Ugh, angst, the cloud of depression trying to raise its head, feeling even older than my years… Just ugh.
Today is the 14th. I’m good, really, but dealing with some allergy issues and annoying things. I guess I’m one of those artsy-fartsy, melancholy, prone-to-the-above-list-of-things kinda person. And that gets annoying, too. Sometimes I want to be able to take a vacay from myself.
The virus/pandemic mess just exacerbates the other. And the political climate-(God please let this election get over with already so I don’t have to think about this every f-ing day.)
I’ve been thinking about how most people seem to lack imagination, and I’m over here with overmuch. An abundance. Too much, even.
I can imagine way too many things, too many scenarios, too many thoughts that others are having, too many reasons and answers for questions large and small. I can imagine entire worlds and universes. I know there are no new thoughts under the sun, I’m not that unique, but I imagine that I am and that I am going to think up everything, things that others before me have never thought.
I get lost in my head (if that isn’t obvious).
I am trying how to learn to live in the moment. To live each moment of every hour and every day, not over-thinking, not imagining threads of various outcomes for the future, on the scale of my life and the larger scale of our country and our planet, but the here and the now.
And I do meet so many people who seem to have zero imagination. They just accept everything. They cannot imagine a better life or a different life, they believe every answer anyone ever gives them and question nothing.
I don’t understand people who aren’t lost in their heads all the time, they seem like a different species to me and I find myself envious at times. How much easier, more peaceful it must be. To know everything, (or think you do, you have it all lined out, figured out, you want for nothing more of knowledge or change). No seeking, no wondering or wandering, just peaceful acceptance.
It occurs to me that I have had times in my life like that, but I can’t get back to it. I’ve turned some unknown corner and it unleashed my imagination in new ways, and I can’t get it to go back. Don’t really want to.
Probably this won’t make sense to anyone but me but that’s okay. Just journaling the thoughts out. Word vomit.
Now back to the dailiness of trying to figure out what’s for dinner. The universe can wait.