Month: April 2020

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April 30 blog on Covid 19 and life in general

Good morning, world. I’m doing a lot of blogging these days, I guess because of feeling so very isolated. It helps, somehow. Even if nobody reads it, it helps to get things down and out of the head and heart.

Some days I’m a confident queen, sure of myself and all that I am and where I’m going and some days I find myself with more doubt and fear. I suppose that’s normal and happens to everyone. Sometimes I think it’s my own perfectionistic ways that make me feel like I have to be on top every single day, flying high. I know this isn’t true. Some days I need to allow myself to hide under the covers and rest and heal and not worry about much.

My illness seems to have cleared, only the mildest of coughs left. I have to say that the feeling of an elephant on my chest was the worst I ever remember experiencing and I’ve had lung mess off and on throughout my life. I’m so pleased it’s gone away. Now it’s all about watching what happens with the world at large with the virus. Our governor was on TV last night discussing Phase One of trying to get back to normal. He is being more conservative than in Georgia and other states, so right now is a time to wait and watch for me. At this point in the pandemic, I am finding it in myself to have grace with people doing whatever they need to do. If they feel like a healthy person that is not at high risk and feel the need to go to the salon or the beach or go eat outside at a beach restaurant, I’m gonna keep my mouth closed and my eyes open. At some point, we will all have to step back out, so to each their own.

I do consider myself high risk and have already been sick but don’t know for sure if our bodies will properly build any immunity on their own. For this reason I choose to be more cautious than others might.

For the first time, yesterday and today, I feel like we can see the light at the end of this. That tomorrow will come and life will get back to normal and that maybe it will not take a year or more. It feels like a huge sigh throughout my entire body. And still I am in wait-n-see mode over the next couple weeks and months. I still need to protect myself from “high drama” so that will continue. Anyone making me crazy will be unfollowed.

Today is not so “go, go, go! Conquer the world!” with my mental state but more a self-care day where I look out for the mental and emotional wellbeing of myself and my hubs. And this is fine with me. I’m going to try to get in some exercise and some sun today as our pollen count is supposed to be low for the first time in a long while.

If you’re reading this, I hope you have an amazing day full of light and grace and love and wellbeing. Take care of yourselves. 

Peace Out

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What over 30 years of marriage has taught me about love, marriage, and relationships. (Tips for all!)

I married at a very young age, (I’d just turned 18) and I really wanted to get out on my own. That marriage lasted seven years and we had 2 children together. It was tumultuous, pretty much the whole time. After he and I split up and I met and married my main man now (we’ve been married over 30 years), we have a totally different kind of relationship. (We had our daughter together, 3 kids total.) Without getting into too many personal details of the first marriage, I want to share some things I learned TO DO and some things I learned NOT to do.

I’ve found that it is uber important to be friends with your mate. I was at first in the first marriage, but, due to (primarily) myself being so young and both of us growing and changing, it changed the dynamic of that friendship, which was at the core of the relationship as a whole. Once we no longer shared core values, shared interests, or even thought at all alike, things began to break down.

I firmly believe now (and I didn’t when I was a young thing) that finding chemical, physical reaction and attraction with someone is as easy as going shopping for a pair of jeans. I now know that sexual attraction and love are two very, VERY different animals.

When we’re young we have a very idealized, almost fairy tale notion, (maybe more so females, but not always), of what love is, what it looks like, how to get it. Disney has done us no favors here.

We think that at a certain age or time of life, BOOM we’ll just meet “the one” and that will be it, and happily ever after. Anyone over the age of fifty probably has figured out that this is not true in the real world.

One thing I find so toxic in a church environment is the idea that, if you are married and in the church, you are expected to have a somewhat perfect marriage, and if you don’t, and you seek counsel, you will be told to pray more and many scriptures will be bandied around, most of which offer zero real PRACTICAL help. By far, most pastors and church leaders have zero psychological training whatsoever and don’t understand human behavior in the least, let alone how to tell someone to save their marriage. My first husband and I once got pastoral advice that was so bad and so wrong and I wish I could tell you here what it was, but I can’t share it here. It had to do with our physical relationship and not anything at all of any substance. I left there so disillusioned and disappointed.

Often the church “way” is to tell the wife she needs to be more quiet and submissive, too, and I don’t probably have to tell you what I think of that advice.

So whether you would seek counsel and where you seek it from is HUGE.

I’ve learned a ton about marriage and love sharing about it, especially because I know what I know from personal observation, the reading of many books, but most importantly, from personal experience.

I do not believe a relationship where the two involved are not the best of friends (in an environment of love, communication, and mutual respect) will ever work. Period.

At some point the chemistry thing starts to take a back seat to the responsibilities and stresses of day to day life. It isn’t necessarily that the spark is forever gone, but it can certainly feel that way. Once that happens, what do you have left? What’s underneath? That is the 18 million-dollar question.

If you cannot sit down with your partner and discuss openly what’s on your mind, give it up. It’s already over. Communication is the biggest thing (next to friendship and respect) that will keep your relationship alive. Read that paragraph again. Make a poster and hang it somewhere. It is a profound truth.

Once you cross a line of disrespectful behavior (and I mean name-calling, abusive behavior and sometimes even physically or sexually abusive behaviour), it’s over, or at least it should be. Walk out. Get out now.

Unfortunately, many people have come up in homes where this behaviour is considered acceptable and normal. Don’t believe it. You CAN have a good, quality relationship where respect is both earned and demanded. Where it is mutual, where boundaries are observed.

I’m not talking about a surface-y “Ozzie & Harriett” marriage (look it up, young people), that just looks good on the outside where everyone smiles and speaks softly and has dinner at the table together every night, that’s actually quite rare, especially these days. Where nobody ever raises their voice and the children are perfectly behaved little angels and mom and dad don’t drink or cuss or ever do anything wrong. That certainly is nowhere near what most families experience.

I think that knowing and loving yourself well before entering into any marriage or seriously committed relationship is so key. KNOW that you are worthy of respect and dignity. ALWAYS.

Know that you do not have to be treated like crap and you can do life alone and find yourself and be strong if that’s what it takes to be safe and healthy and mentally, emotionally, and physically well. YOU DESERVE A QUALITY person. Know it and believe it. Don’t lower your standards to someone who only looks good or only wants you when it’s convenient for them. Look for the “deep” and the real in anyone you hang out with. 

I’m reading a great book called Women Who Run With the Wolves, and in it they discuss how young, naive women can sometimes cover up or ignore that inner voice that would normally scream, “Predatory male! Alert! Get away!” and they ignore that voice and justify it away because of their fairy-tale ideas of love and relationship. They want someone so badly that they totally ignore all of the warning signs. (Come on, we’ve all seen this, right? Some of us have LIVED this.)

That’s a really great argument for NOT getting married young, chasing your dreams for a few years first and truly figuring out who you are and what you want out of a mate. Learning NOT to stifle that voice of “sense” I believe most of us have or would have or did have, if we did not shove it away.

So, friendship, giving and demanding respect, and communication. That does NOT mean that you won’t each at times lose your temper or get upset or cry or whatever, but early on in every relationship there should be boundaries set, rules of play, if you will. Lines that do not get crossed. Respect is such a thing for me that I would live in a box under a bridge before I’d live with someone who continually and purposefully disrespected me, be it name-calling, or abuse of any kind. I’m better than that. I don’t deserve that. You’re better than that, too. You deserve the best.

Learn to know yourself well enough to communicate and if your partner does not communicate, he or she will have to learn to, or you may as well go home, thank you for playing. Some things you just cannot do without in a loving, lasting relationship. It doesn’t work, and the stats are out there to back me up on this.

I believe nearly every relationship COULD be saved, IF both parties wanted it saved and both were equally willing to put in the work. If they’re not, it won’t be saved. Period. The only alternative is staying in a highly dysfunctional relationship for years or your whole life and being miserable, settling for less than what you want,need, and deserve.

(I did meet the right and best person for me, and you will, too.) Remember that if all you’re looking for is sex, that’s easy-peasy. Attraction is a dime a dozen. If you want real relationship, look for the signs that it may be possible with someone. Do not settle. If it’s broken, fix it. And to be alone is better than to be with the wrong person.

I hope some or any of this is helpful to someone or maybe there is someone you know that could use some of this good stuff. Pass it on. 

*The book I mentioned is by Clarissa Penkola Estes, PhD  

Feel free to email me if you ever want more tips on what makes a marriage great (or any committed relationship). I’d be glad to try to help.

Pammy

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4 29 20 Brain-dump blog on Boundaries, Friendship, and Sugar

Hello world (if there’s anybody out there listening.) Pammy again. As usual, lots on my mind and heart.

Today I feel about 90 percent recovered from whatever virus my body just fought, be it Covid-19 or whatever. That’s good. I have had some stress-related stuff happening (like heartburn, indigestion, etc) and my oh-so-helpful hubby said, “whatever could be happening these days that could be stressing you out?” Lol! He hit the nail on the head. (Sarcasm, it is rampant in our family.)

Just wanted to jot down some thoughts and opinions, as usual. Brain dump, word vomit.

I am in a not-so-peopley mood today. I don’t have the desire or the mental or emotional energy to dive in and engage with people, and though others have “advised” me to take it easy and protect my empathic self (& I’m speaking of the others that I would even begin to listen to-those who care about me) I never listen. That’s my jam. I have to learn every single thing on my own, and come to any knowledge on my own. I think that comes from a combination of being fiercely, stubbornly independent and having a past where I listened to other people only to have them lead me down their own path and not my own. So I am stubborn. I am 56 years old and a grown-ass woman and I listen to my wisdom, my knowledge, my spirit and intuition and my body, above all else. (And, if you’ll permit me to say, the Universe… in a sense.) I believe some of gut and intuition is defined as “God” or “Spirit” or “conscience.”

My body has confirmed what some loved ones have said. I kinda hate when that happens.

So I’m taking it easy this whole week, continuing to recover. I did something today I rarely do… I baked. I don’t bake. Baked goods in my home are like throwing crack in front of an ex-addict. Not that I was ever obese but like most people, I used to love baked sugary things with a passion. Due to years of trying to get my health in order and protect my body/temple from nasty bad stuff, I learned not to bake, not to eat sugar, (or very rarely) and to never ever bake or bring baked goods into my home. (On occasion they appear at parties, etc.), but after years of training myself, I mostly resist and have for some time.

I use Stevia to sweeten everything or it combined with a bit of coconut sugar or unbleached sugar (if I’m really riding the edge, but rarely). I have called sugar “the white devil” for many years, and I do believe it kills us, either slowly or quickly. It feeds obesity, high blood pressure, heart problems, diabetes and cancers.

Most people can tolerate some in moderation but I’ve never been quite normal. I have odd sensitivity and allergic reactions to all sorts of things so my diet has evolved into something most would find to be kind of extreme. I DO get a little in the form of carbs from my protein bars, in oatmeal or yogurt or a small amount in a spaghetti sauce or something of that nature. But empty white sugar is something hubs and I both avoid for our health.

All of that to explain how it is so odd and rare for me to bake. Last Christmas I made my own oatmeal-based cookie recipe, and I made some scones several months ago with high quality organic ingredients, almond and rice flour, etc., and froze them so I could take out and eat one every couple months or so. I loooove baked goods, they are a true comfort food for me, so in order to make life worth living, once in a rare blue moon, I will make something with high-quality ingredients. Today I used a Simple Mills baking blend and made a banana loaf. It was so soothing to my soul.

(Incoming whiplash from sudden subject change–)I’ve been thinking about how difficult relationships are these days. And how most people truly are followers. Not trying to say that in a “bashy” way, but just an observation. I think most people are usually so busy with the day in and day out responsibilities of life that they don’t take the time to think, mull, meditate, learn, grow. They don’t have or make the time. So in modern society it becomes so easy to quickly grasp your faith or belief systems off of a shelf like at a grocery store. “I’ll take that one. That sounds good and right.” They take it home and put it in its place and they rock it for the rest of forever. Same with worldviews and political affiliations. They never ever stop to ask the deeper questions or try to see another point of view. They’ve been taught that this is wrong or somehow unfaithful.

So not where I am.

Choosing to blaze a trail is a lonely proposition. Getting to a place where you know that you know that you can no longer follow the mainstream or go with the flow in good conscience, knowing that you must stand for your own thoughts, follow the beat of your own drum… it’s a solitary thing. And the trail you blaze may never ever be followed by another. And on top of that thought, is, the thought that it’s okay and everyone should have their very own.

But it is very lonely. Friendship is hard. Relationship is hard. Even in the middle of a community of like-minded people, such as a country club, organization, or church. Friendship is always hard. But when you don’t feel that you have any sense of a “tribe” or community, it can be, well, rough.

I’ve been going through trying to keep a very few old friendships alive and I am finding that one of the hardest things ever since I have totally changed myself and my worldview. People think I’m nuts or just plain disagree, and then they want to argue about it. I love to sit, one on one, and talk with anyone about anything, in a calm, respectful environment, but social media is not at all conducive to such things.

The small handful of girlfriends that I felt, at a time in the past, I connected deeply with, now feel they can’t relate to me in one way or another. As I said, friendship is hard and going your own way is hard.

Lately I have unfollowed some people and on rare occasions, blocked some, on social media, and that is absolutely about my mental health. I don’t hate. But feeling my ulcers return or my blood pressure rise or that vein in my head begin to throb… that’s something I’m going to shut down because I take care of me. Sometimes ya gotta let people go. It breaks my heart but we each must be allowed to be who we are and we deserve to be loved as we are.

Those precious few from my past, they know who they are (and may or may never read this blog) but if you choose to “hang” with me, know that I need you to accept me where I am, and there are certain things I will need you to avoid talking about because it is just too upsetting to me. Those that would choose to have me go backwards to the person I was must stay away. I am not, and I will not. Indeed, I cannot. 

So I have been looking for a new “tribe” of friends. (I put “tribe” in quotation marks because I had a whole discussion once with someone from another country and what the word means here in America as opposed to someone on the other side of the world.) I mean Group of Friends.

I am finding neighbors here in Florida that I dearly love but I always make it very clear from the get-go, who I am and what I believe. I am becoming close with one or two. My social media pages have always been a window to the world for me, and I have begun in the last couple years, to finally lose followers who vehemently disagree with who I am now and I’m finding those I better connect with all over the world. I love artists and writers, but it’s certainly not a requirement. I love deep, real people. Those who strive for vulnerability and honesty laced with love and compassion. I’m beginning to find some.

What a process it has been, and will be. If you stick around, I am so grateful, but I can no longer base my life on the approval of others. If we connect we do, if we don’t we don’t, go in peace.

But I will not surround myself with constant strife. This will not happen. Cuz, (what am I always banging on about?) Boundaries!!

Peace Out, world.

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The Concept of Absolute Truth (a philosophical post)

This is my swirly thoughts about the concept of absolute truth. (I’ve not taken classes on this, it is based on my own thoughts, reading, observations over a lifetime, and, let’s face it, any philosophy is based on the individual’s experiences.)

A hundred years ago, think about what the world was like. Or two thousand years ago, or 500.

A person grows up in a family, in a community, in a particular area of the world, and that family and community teaches you throughout your life, a set of “truths” that are widely held (in your area, in your time in history, in your community or family) as absolute. Black and white. This is this and that is that. It’s just the way it is.

Consider someone who has grown up in a totally different area of the world than you, in a different point in history, a different family, a different environment entirely. They also were taught “This is truth” or “that is truth”. 

Do you think for a minute that these two groups of thoughts and beliefs are the same? Absolutely they will not be. You will find things that other “groups” believe in that are the same, ideas such as, family is important, this is how we seek God, this is how we treat people. Then there will be big differences. One person’s truth, that grew up in India in 1965 let’s say, is going to be very different than the person who grew up in 100 BC or 1978 or 2009. Because their environments, their families and traditions, all that their cultures held dear, has formed each one’s view of “truth.”

For me, I can only believe that “Absolute Truth” only encompasses the largest of broad things such as “the earth is round.” Realizing that for a long time, people everywhere believed it to be absolute truth that the earth is flat.

Most everyone NOW accepts that indeed, the earth is round. Most people agree that UP is UP and DOWN is DOWN. Gravity is real. Certain things we pretty much all agree on.

But the thirty-year old African American woman who grew up a world away from you and I, or the European child, coming into her teens, having been brought up in a totally different community, family, and environment, one must accept that the things they have been taught and likely will be taught to be absolute truth, will be different. Because what we believe is intricately and inescapably drawn from a combination of our backgrounds, where we were born, where and how we were raised, what we were taught to believe as a child and what we have learned for ourselves, out of our experiences and “learning” to be true for us.

So, we can conclude that the young men who were alive in 100 or 50 BC are going to have a completely and totally different view of many things than the woman in a remote tribe somewhere in the year 2000, or different than what you or I believe.

Today, in 2020, there are people all over the world and even my own city, that will argue with you until they turn blue and die about what truth is.

Truth has always only ever been, and only ever will be, a perspective arrived at based on where you grew up, when you grew up, what you were taught to believe, and your own experiences.

Outside of those things we (maybe to a huge degree) can agree certain things are true, such as oxygen is needed to live. The sky is blue. Obvious things, I would call them.

So when people talk about absolute truth, I shake my head and laugh. It’s a funny and interesting term to me. It’s an absolute truth that if we are born here on earth, at some point, we will die. That’s one of a very short list of things I believe to be “absolute truth”.

Your truth and mine absolutely are not the same, and when large groups of people try to take on each other’s truth, well, they must decide for themselves, is this something I genuinely know to be true? Do I agree with everything these people say and do, and if so, why, if I have not experienced these things and do not know them to be true? Do they make sense? Do they serve my or mankind’s best and highest good? Good questions, all.

I cringe when I mention “My truth” or “speaking your truth” and people laugh and scoff. They just don’t get it. Each one of us has our own list of “truths” that we hold dear, for whatever reason. And because we disagree on what those truths or belief systems are…

War. Murder. Fighting. Cults. Anger. Hatred.

We humans have a bad way of INSISTING that everyone else latches on to our own truth and accepts it as their own. INSISTS. And their heads explode when others do not. I am guilty of this myself.

If I have a truth that I hold dear, something that I know that I know that I know, because of my experiences or things I’ve learned, and even something that has been super hard-fought-for, and someone comes along and scoffs at it, it is angering to me. It is to everyone and anyone, I think.

And I guess the only reason I am writing about this is to 1) get my thoughts down about it and/or 2) to see if anyone else thinks about these kinds of super-deep things. If anyone even bothers with deep thought anymore.

I daresay, most people go through life adopting and adapting to the belief systems that are presented to them. Based on all of the things I’ve talked about here. It’s just what we do.

I want to encourage every single person to begin to think more broadly and openly on these things. To realize that your perspective (or mine) are not the only perspectives that are real.

To accept that other people have different experiences and that it is okay. Your truth and mine can be different, it’s okay. It’s really, really, okay. No need to go to war.

This is one thing I mean when I said in an earlier post that I feel as though I once saw life through a peephole (my limited perspective) and now I see it through a globe-sized hole. I still don’t fully see everything Big Picture, but I desire to do so.

If you grew up in a particular culture and those “truths” are dear to you, or adopted that culture, then I would just say, never forget to try and see things broadly, realize that we are very different and we do not have to be the same or think the same as people who are in or come from other backgrounds and experiences. WE DO NOT have to adapt and adopt other people’s truths. Keep your mind switched on and research and read and figure out for yourself what your truth is, and go ahead and hold it dear. But please stop insisting that everyone believe the same thing, it’s never going to happen and it’s always going to cause divisiveness. 

I guess that is my point and my conclusion. Think. Have compassion. Don’t adopt other’s views blindly. Do the deep work of digging out your own truth, then speak it freely and often. People won’t get it. Who cares?

Have a deep, thoughtful, wonderful, peaceful day.

Peace Out.

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Be Healthy, Behave

I saw an article yesterday (when I was looking outside of Facebook for news reports) about people out there who have made a living out of creating a website, getting advertisers to be on their site (this is how they get paid) and then they spend their full-time work days creating misinformation and putting it out there as real. Knowingly. It’s hard to believe we live in such a time, in such a world, where people benefit and live off of destroying other people. I won’t mention their names here, goodness knows I don’t want to promote one more person looking at this guy’s mess, but this dude took this woman and her family and totally decimated their lives by accusing them online of having started the coronavirus (Covid-19) outbreak. Even though the authorities and police have confirmed her innocence, it does not seem to matter and the police can do nothing. There are no laws for this.

He had hundreds of thousands of followers attacking these poor people. Their reputations are ruined. They don’t feel safe, can’t leave their homes (even after they CAN from isolating) for fear of being attacked.

I saw a story about a NC woman who is knowingly infected and she and her followers are taking to the streets to tell people they need their “freedom” and to get out there and protest for the opening of commerce now, and she is very militant about it. It’s real, people. This is the world we are living in.

Sigh. Good morning, friends. It is a stressful time to be alive. It’s enough to make me (I don’t know about you) crawl under the covers and hide.

I’m the kind of person who likes to take any action I can (even if it’s only taking to my keyboard) to try to bring about positive change in the world. But this…. This mess. People are so entrenched in their ways of thinking and refuse to be challenged. It’s unlike anything I have ever witnessed before. It feels like Mass Brainwashing and it scares me, I’m not gonna lie.

As for the aforementioned perpetrators, the ones making a living from defaming people, I’d be all for implementing laws about defamation, etc., that would cause these people, once they are identified, to be placed in shackles in the public square and let people walk by and throw tomatoes at them. Let’s bring that back. I bet it’d work.

My heart aches for this world. More than I ever thought I would live to see, people are forgetting about what’s important, latching on to some little thing and turning it into a full-blown cult-like agenda. I don’t understand. I never will. And don’t tell me people just need faith in God because a lot of the folks participating in some of the crazy behavior are self-proclaimed people of faith. I cannot express how sad this makes me.

People need love. They need real connection with real people. They need mental/emotional healthcare. This much is abundantly clear.

I’ve found that sitting with someone and having a coffee together and talking our thoughts through, even if we disagree, in an attitude of respect and humility, can work wonders. Before social media it’s what everyone did. That’s why people who disagreed with one another weren’t losing friendships over it back in the day, but now it’s just the thing to do, to blast people you disagree with and fight and yell and get ugly, and decide we can’t be friends.

I go a long way towards trying to discuss things calmly but when people start getting angry with me, calling me names, trying to publicly humiliate me, look out. Boundary walls are up and people are being shoved outside of them. I don’t put up with that. My peace and the energy I surround myself with, is very important to me. I will protect it and myself.

So, I am over here in my tiny little corner of my little world, plugging away at life and at trying to make sense of it all. Ultimately there is little I can do but try to encourage people to be kinder, to really look at broader views instead of a tiny narrow one. To base all they do out of love and compassion and empathy rather than furthering their political ideals and agendas.

The combination of social media (hiding oftentimes under Freedom of Speech) and politics is destroying it all, our peace, our friendships, our relationships, our sanity. I’m not playing anymore, people. I will not engage.

No-one, no matter how long I’ve known or loved them (family included) is going to be allowed to get me all riled up and upset and ruin my quality of life which is ever-so-precarious right now anyway. Boundary walls up and fully engaged, like a high-dollar alarm system.

If you feel the same or just like to follow me for whatever reason, (writing, art, poetry, friendship, whatever) then I hope you stick around. I hope you come back here and hang out and read my stuff. For those local, I hope one day we can meet and have coffee and discuss things with mutual respect and kindness.

Whatever you do, please take care of yourself and hold onto your sanity and your peace. Be healthy. Be kind. BEHAVE.

Peace Out.

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Genie in a Bottle

When I say Genie in a Bottle, I know some will begin to sing that song by Christina Aguilera. That’s not where I’m going with this. (Philosophy post)

A big life change or some big paradigm shift is like a genie coming out of a bottle. The old way of thinking is gone and a new way presents itself and there is no way to go backwards. You cannot put the genie back in the bottle and pretend you now don’t know what you know that you know. One cannot unsee what one has seen or what has been revealed.

(If you don’t know the terms “epiphany” or “paradigm shift” I invite you to look them up.)

I am beginning to realize that everyone will have their own epiphanies at different times (if they are open to them) and they will never be caused by just one thing, one book read, or one quote discovered or one fact discovered. They come after nights on your knees crying out to the wilderness, God, the Universe, anyone who will listen. They come through pain and wrestling out, they come with the honest desire for wisdom and knowledge. (Don’t ever pray for such things unless you are ready for them to come, because they will turn your life upside down.)

The truth is, all truth cannot be contained in 2,000 words or 2,000 books. The Universe is reeking with truths, waiting to be discovered. This is exciting to me. I have such a desire to learn now that I’m sometimes obsessive about it. I want to know all the things about all the things. But I don’t want to adopt someone else’s faith path or worldview, this one is my path and my view ahead. I’m a seeker and always will be one. There is no going “backwards” along that path. There is no turning back. I may spiral or squiggly all over the place, but I do not turn around and go backwards.

I also am discovering that – if I am around the corner of a building, I may see something you do not (and the reverse is true). Perspective really is hugely important. It’s like I’m looking at a Picasso hanging on the wall and you may be in a garden revelling amongst the flowers. Both things are acceptable and wonderful. But we are not seeing the same things at the same time. I’m learning that this is okay.

In order for humanity to heal, we have got to begin to allow each other to blaze our own trails of discovery. To applaud one another, no matter what it is they may be discovering today.

We can no longer separate ourselves into boxes and limit our contact with the new and different. Be brave and mature enough to blaze your own trail. Seek. Learn. Others won’t get it and that’s okay. Do it anyway, You won’t regret it.

Dare to turn a new corner, go through an alleyway and come out on another street you didn’t know was there all along. This is the very heart of adventure. And life is nothing if not an adventure.

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Ramble: I’m Totally Spaghetti

Hello my lovely buds. Throat has been so sore. My voice is leaving me. I can’t wait for whatever this is to leave me. But today my mind has been very active and my spirit and soul are well. I am constantly having things pop into my head I want to jot down so I’ll probably be having some long posts for a bit. (The steroids are making my mind very active!)

To touch on another mindset that I felt was toxic (from my previous life) I want to talk a bit about confidence versus humility. I’ve worked so hard on myself these last ten years or so and have gone a long way towards healing a lot of bad gunk (toxic lessons) I felt that were either purposefully or inadvertently pounded into my head over the years, and realize this was my life experience I’m sharing, which includes church experiences and life experiences and a sum total of all of my experiences. 

I was, twenty years ago, a person with very limited confidence, and can at times feel that ghost over my shoulder. I like to shoo it away when that happens. One of the things that happens when you do the work on YOU is you begin to know yourself very well. Sometimes we have such a little sense of self that we cannot even tell ourselves what we are good at, what we excel at, without wincing. I used to always say things in a self-deprecating manner. There is a time and place for some of that, and it does seem to demonstrate modesty and humility, at least on the surface. But I believe it can feed negative thoughts and perceptions in your brain if done too often or in the wrong circumstance. It took me forever to just say “thank you” when someone would compliment me. I’d stammer and turn red, and try to explain why I wasn’t pretty or I wasn’t good at such-n-so at all. I’ve done some good work there.

I know what I’m good at and what I suck at. I don’t have near as much of an issue about taking a compliment, especially in an area where I feel secure about myself. I’m secure that I am an average (at least) good-looking woman. I have great hair. See? That didn’t kill me or anyone else. I know that I excel at writing. I may not be the best in the universe but I’m good at it and I don’t have a problem with saying it sometimes (if it comes up.) It is NOT (in my way of thinking) less than humble to know your strengths and weaknesses. I am certainly NOT as confident in every area of my life. (What’s that saying? Be brave enough to suck at something new), and that’s so true. 

Not being allowed to admit, even to myself, that I was a good person, or that I was good at anything was pretty devastating to my self-esteem. I did not feel allowed to do so, not by any of my experiences. It has taken me a bit to get over that. I am over it.

The times I do feel insecure are 1) around new people or large groups of people, especially ones I don’t know,  2) doing something new that I’m unsure I’ll be good at, and being afraid of someone calling me out for not being good at it.  (Nobody likes being called out for weaknesses or lack of talent.) And that touches on perfectionism, and I am a recovering perfectionist. Those are two that come easily to mind. I am getting better at sharing the “less than pretty” parts of me without worrying about the opinions of others. 

Vulnerability. It’s a thing.

I know that I have come out of being a teenager who craved attention so badly that I ended up being in some very bad and painful circumstances. I used to blame myself for that, but one learns to give oneself grace (or hopefully one does). I’ve long-since forgiven myself for anything I DID do, and have put the blame for people who hurt me squarely where it belongs. I know my own past, so I know that craving attention could be a trap for me. (I am a Leo, after all, at times, a self-confessed drama queen) so this is an area that I have to guard in myself carefully. I have learned to watch for the signs and catch myself out.

Am I bending too far to fit in with someone I do NOT even need to be around? And BOOM, you see where that connects directly to setting boundaries. I have to give myself the boundary of not going too far in a bad direction for the benefit of someone else, especially someone who may well not have my best interest at heart. I tend to be empathetic and I do care, so that leads sometimes to bending over backwards to let everyone have total access to me, and of course that can be a bad thing at times. It will WEAR YOU OUT. As an empath I do have to guard my energy (physical, emotional, spiritual) very closely. It’s why, if I do not connect with someone on some sort of deep level, or if someone is very against me or something I stand for (negative energy) I will get away from them quickly now. I finally learned to do that. Life-saving lesson.

Amazing how that connected up to what I was talking about on earlier posts. (Men are waffles and women are spaghetti, right? Cuz I’m totally spaghetti.)

Peace Out til the next installment!

🙂

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More Rants & Rambles

Just a thought.

I was thinking about perspective. I once saw the world through a hole the size of a marble, like a peephole in a door. Many years and experiences later I see it through a hole the size of a globe. I’m glad that I do, but the struggle I have is being around those who seem to still look through a peephole. I don’t know why it bugs me so bad, and why I can’t let it be. This is my struggle. To find peace and acceptance with people of other perspectives, especially when I see their perspective as tiny and narrow. Oh so limited. I want to drag them to my door and show them my view, for it is full of light, life and love. But I cannot.

I cannot.

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Sunday, April 26th (Life in the midst of a pandemic and fighting being sick. Also writing tips!)

I’m going to try to write something every day while I’m sick and indeed while the lockdown continues. On my last post I told ya that I am indeed fighting a virus that’s in my lungs though I have not yet been tested. I’m hoping by Wednesday when our closest drive up testing center opens, I will be feeling much better. If not I will likely go over and just confirm it or rule it out and go from there.

Losing my voice a little, with breathing treatments I breathe okay but if I talk a lot will get short of breath. I’m a fighter though and no stranger to battling illness so I am girded for battle, My spirits are high. (I get knocked down but I get up again, ain’t nothing gonna keep me down!)

Yesterday I talked a bit about, well, a lot of things. I went back and edited where I said women are pushed down like other ethnic groups, didn’t want to make it appear as if I think I have ANY idea what it is like to be a woman of color. I do not and cannot imagine. The only thing I have experienced that would come close would be the times I have been treated badly as a woman, for being a woman. Not the same thing, of course.

I thought, as I am a writer and this is my blog and one might assume I may occasionally talk about writing, that I would do so today.

I am planning (as soon as I get to feeling stronger in the lungs, etc) to do a couple of videos on writing, talk about some of the things I’ve done in the past, helping other writers, and my best tips and advice for the person who says, “Hey, I think I want to write a book!” I meet people who tell me that all the time and I offer what advice I can and will even help them along the process if they decide to proceed. (I will share some good tips here and now for any interested, to whet the appetite.)

Gonna share the number one first thing I ask such a person: What are you reading? Who are your favorite authors? How much or often do you read? Just like you go to medical school to learn medicine before being a doctor or study as a plumber’s apprentice before becoming a plumber, (you see where I’m going) if you never read, you’ll never be a writer. It is absolutely the best study of writing there is.

There are other skills you will need such as a better- than- working knowledge of spelling and grammar and vocabulary. People try to tell me often that they are writers but sometimes when I look at their work I can’t get through it, can’t even finish reading it because it is soooo bad in the area of spelling and/or even knowing how to correctly punctuate and put a paragraph together. I guarantee you that no publisher is willing to work with such a person. Put in the work. Study. If you don’t want to take classes, study books. Read, read, and read some more. Take note of how they do it. Emulate what they do. Increase your vocabulary constantly.

I say again, you cannot be a writer without putting in the work, just like anything else.

Another thing I have run across a lot, is someone coming to me who has an amazing writer’s imagination, and they tell me their ideas and I can spot it immediately. But then, they have no idea how to put those ideas on paper. (I refer them back to the advice above.) Some have asked me to do the work for them. That’s not how any of this works. If you want it bad enough, be willing to put the time in. Practice, practice, practice. I often agree to read other’s practice writing and attempt to advise. There truly are no easy shortcuts just like there isn’t with anything worthwhile. And it should be said that there are those with a natural talent and affinity for it (I was one) and it will be easier for them to do this work. It’s always easier if it comes more naturally and if you’re passionate about it.

I hope this gives you food for thought and that if you are a person interested in writing at all, you will tune in when I get my YouTube vids up. I will post everywhere when that happens.

Still struggling with getting along with people on Facebook who are deep into conspiracy theories and do not believe this virus is real. I know so many people affected in one way or another and have a dear friend who lost a son. I know it’s real and have zero tolerance. And because I have no love for the Trumpster, that makes it very hard for me to be on Facebook. I’ve just had to start blocking people. Some that I dearly love, even. Cuz I just can’t. He lost me the very first time he opened his mouth and when I heard his description of women, I nearly vomitted. I lost all respect for him long ago and do not get the hero worship that is taking place over there on the right. Be Republican if you want to, but this I cannot understand and never will. If this puts you off me, sorry, not sorry, do what you’ve got to do. Enough said about that, but here is where I will (only occasionally) post my opinions on such things.

If you have any questions on writing, please ask! On this site you will see my books that are still in print listed, they are also available on Amazon. My two most recent are Transcendant (dystopian fiction), and Heart of Courage, a poetry compilation of my poetry with three other poets that I know personally and love dearly. My other books were written between 2009 and 2013 I believe, but these two are most recent. I have a couple of projects I have started but seem to be drawn a lot into my art these days and smaller projects like poetry and short stories and I plan to do another book of poetry when I have enough gathered. I also list some of my acrylic-on-canvas paintings here on my site (see the tabs at top).

Gonna rest my noodle for a bit. I hope you are all well, and for anyone battling any kind of illness, stay strong, my heart goes out to you.

And hey, while you’re isolating, READ. 🙂

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Blog Saturday April 25th 20 On life, boundaries, and my exodus from church (finding myself)

Hello my lovelies. Dang I feel emotionally better today, but last night…. Oooohhh

Last night I had a full-on meltdown that I’m quite sure would look like a nervous breakdown of sorts. It wasn’t. I am a person who was taught to always stuff down their emotions so in recent years I am learning to let them out when they need to come out. I’ve gotten up to crying 3 times a year! Yippee! I had not cried in sooo long and not at all since this virus was let loose on the world.

I’ve had a lot of training over the years and motherhood is a great teacher, too, in being strong, taking care of others, meeting their needs at the cost of your own, etc. For all of these reasons I have had to learn how to heal my own insides, to process these strong emotions when they come and take care of me. (The only way out is through. That’s my new mantra.)

So while still hiccup crying, I got on my laptop and typed a 2 page document where I spewed (talk about word vomit!) all my junk out. Every single sentence began with the word “Fuck.”

That’s normally not how I roll, but it was a long-time coming and indeed, it was good. So cathartic. I kinda want to share that document (that’s just my need to be seen and understood) but I think I’ll keep that to myself, or maybe print it out, then journal over it (draw and paint over it). BTW, it was amazing therapy so if there are things you need to get out but don’t feel you can tell anyone, write or type them out, then shred them or do whatever with them. It helps so much.

I had a great online appointment with my primary care doc yesterday, and it’s quite possible I have the ‘rona. I definitely have a virus that is attacking my lungs. I missed the time slots available to go to our closest drive-up testing center, and that one won’t open until Wednesday. There’s another in Daytona Beach, if I get desperate to know (for my own knowledge) if it is Covid-19 or some other virus. That one is opened on Monday. The doc says it is all academic as long as I am isolating and doing all the things the doc tells me to do (etc). I don’t need to go to the hospital unless I take a big turn for the worse (higher fever, cannot breathe even with all these meds and nebulizer) and if that were to happen, I’d go to the hospital. They would test me there at that time. The results take a week to get back, so pretty academic. It may well be gone – should be gone- in that time frame. Only occasionally and sporadically do I seem to have any fever, and it is low, one or two points above normal. I’m actually dealing well, and don’t expect any need for any hospital visits anytime soon. I’m a fighter and have had to fight illness a lot. This time feels a bit different in the lungs which makes me think it may well be Covid-19, but it doesn’t matter so long as I don’t share it with others and take care of myself. I’ll see how I feel Monday about getting the test.

That’s out of the way, so now let’s talk about boundaries. And women with boundaries, specifically. Do you have them? If you don’t, get some. They will absolutely change/save your life. Also gonna touch on my worldview and some of things I’ve learned along my journey.

It took me way too long and I dealt with way too much BS in my life before I learned to say “No!” and loudly at times. Unfortunately we are often taught (especially us gals) that it is unseemly, unacceptable, “unChristian” or wrong to stand up for ourselves in any way. “Sit still, look pretty” describes a lot of my earlier years of life. (I didn’t feel pretty, still often don’t) but still got the feeling that we women were for looking at and having sex with, and hey, if you can find a meek and mild one, maybe marry her and have babies. (In the kitchen, barefoot and pregnant, cooking dinner!) Yeah, I do come from that kind of a background. Not bashing anyone who does the housewife and mom thing, I did it for a long time, but this is more about how the male of the species sees women in general. We (and often children) were to be seen and not heard. Arm candy. Trophy wife. All of those things. Took me a loooong time to get my head on straight about who and what I am as a woman and the value that I (we) have. Our power has been stripped and we need to reclaim it. We are just as pushed down as any race or ethnic group in some ways. (Not to say I understand AT ALL what it would be like to be a woman AND a person of color.) And for power to be stripped one must have it in the first place.

Part of my research over the last few years has been deeper into religion, ancient scrolls and the like. I found out that women were actually a huge part of the Christian leadership in the very early days of Christianity. Because of the misogyny of that time, and let’s face it, forever, when men came in and took over, they relegated women back into the kitchen and into servitude. Of course, women wanting to serve Christ gladly did what they could to serve (and do today.) Many modern denominations, maybe most, do not allow women in positions of leadership and certainly don’t allow them to speak from the pulpit. Archaic, misogynistic and wrong in my thinking. If you ever want to be truly valued in your gifts, talents, and leadership skills, I daresay it won’t happen in most churches. Even if they put you into a position of authority, most of the men in the congregations would take issue. This is stinky and wrong. (I come from a background of volunteering and being on paid staff at a church for many years.)

This leads into my lifeview and worldview making a 180 in a lot of things. Misogyny in the church did not start my defection from Christianity, just an observation. Much of my research and reading led me to believe that the bible as we have it today (and Catholics have one type, protestants another, and other denominations and religion still others) is not completely accurate and certainly is not holy or to be worshipped. Is it a good book with lots of stories and inspirational stuff? Yes. Some history? Yes, some accuracy? Yes, I believe that. I no longer see it as infallible, and even found up to 1200 plus instances where it contradicts itself. Scrolls were intentionally left out and people just blindly accept that that was “of God”. I don’t believe it. One thing I do know is humanity, and it always has its own agenda. Not trying to change anyone’s mind here, just sharing my life, thoughts, views.

As you might imagine, my spiritual life has taken many twists and turns (if you look back over a lot of my older posts, I rant a lot about my feelings, the changes, how hard it has been on me to turn the Titanic of my belief systems around, how painful it was to make the decision to leave mainstream Christianity, etc.) Lots of word vomit, talking it out, etc. Painful experience in many ways but absolutely a growth experience for me. 

For a while I came close to Christian-bashing and being against any kind of faith. (I still get “triggered” when people quote scripture at and to me, especially in that surfacey trite way “Oh just pray more and the bible says yada yada, there, now you are all fixed.” or “If you were just more spiritual, better, more perfect like Christ, you’d be fine, ya filthy lost sinner.” It’s all very triggering to me, I no longer believe all that most of mainline Christianity believes, and therefore have chosen NOT to align myself with the Christian church overall.

I still struggle with any kind of faith issues. I continue to study lots of different religions, ideologies, etc. I am fascinated with how people all over the world see God, how they find him, how they worship, etc. I would call myself a “seeker of truth” (not an organization but a philosophy) and have zero tolerance for others thinking they have cornered the market on truth. I call BS.

I am more loving (believe it or not) than I have ever been and have a great love for all of humanity. When I weep it is often for all of humanity and what we do to each other. I carry a big burden about all of those things. It matters to me.

I am just now getting to a place where I can “tolerate” for lack of a better term, being around people who are very deep into Christianity and quote scripture at everyone, everything, every problem. I’m trying to heal in that area and accept people for who they are as I want to be accepted for who I am.

I learned a lot in churches, had many positive experiences, but for me, in hindsight, there were a lot of wrong toxic principles and beliefs that I am still trying to heal from. Misogyny and under-valuing women is only one of those things. But I deal with that in every area and aspect of life.

If you are very entrenched in your beliefs in Christianity, we may never truly connect, and I have explained a tiny bit, a microscopic bit of all of the reasons why. But if you are kind, compassionate, open-minded, and if you find we connect on some level, that’s all good. I like to have friends from many different walks of life, and I do have (all over the world). You do you and I’ll do me. 

Anyway, this is already long but just to touch again on boundaries and finish my thought. We women and really everyone, have got to learn to establish boundaries that say, “You may come this far and no further.” A boundary is like screaming, “No!! You may not!!” with an outstretched hand. It’s like having a bodyguard (but the bodyguard is you.) I want to talk about this more in future posts but I think I’m gonna rest now. Self-care is a GOOD thing.

Love you all. Stay strong. Be mindful of others and take care of YOU.

Peace Out.

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Pammy’s Blog/Ramble 1,254 April 23 20

Talk about having a lot of time to rant and ramble and navel gaze. Introspection has been my jam largely over the last 15 years and most especially the last four or five and now from the middle of a global pandemic. The following will be an amalgamation of my current thoughts, musings, and my overall health and well-being.

I’ve had lung mess off and on a lot, and was sick in the lungs and coughing for a full 2 years. Yes, literally. This 2 year time frame began to come to an end and I began to feel better around summer 2019. Since then my lungs had been amazing, super well, almost healthier than ever as I’d tightened down my already tight eating habits and had indeed dedicated my entire year 2019 to getting well and healthy. It had begun to work and I turned a corner.

Now, since February or so of this year, (when our allergy season begins here in Central Florida) I’ve had throat and lung mess off and on continually. I get super phlegmy, sometimes a sore throat, and then it will start to move into my lungs. Then it goes away and gets better. (I take some amazing immune support products and I know that I know that these have saved my life many times) but recently it just keeps coming and going repeatedly. I’ve not run a high fever and rarely a low grade one. May be related to EBV issues I’ve had, but whatever it is, it distresses me even more NOW because, of course, when you’re in the midst of a pandemic, every time you get sick you are faced with your own mortality and the possibility that this could be “it” and maybe I’ll die and maybe not and maybe I’ll get really, really sick and then get well, or maybe not.

That’s what I’m dealing with physically. Last 2 nights breathing a bit rough. No fever. Productive cough. Using inhaler.

On top of the physical, of course, I, like everyone, have been trying to deal with the mental, emotional, psychological distress, keep an eye on my spirit and soul and look after me.

Over the last several years, I’ve changed, a lot. I know that deep down I am more genuinely ME than I have ever been, but I have learned and am learning to have strong boundaries, and to say what I think and feel. I’ve done and am doing a lot of healing. I know that this looks like a hot mess to those around me, but I can’t care about that. I am getting really good at monitoring my emotional energy levels and protecting my empathic self. Protecting my soul, protecting me. It finally occurred to me after many years that I am the only one who truly can and should do this. I have to establish boundaries, I have to know and love me, and I don’t have to care what that looks like to anyone else.

I know that those few people that were a part of my life 20 years ago that still follow me in any way, are confused about who I am and what’s going on. Again, I can’t waste energy on that. I have a limited supply. For the most part I say and write things for my own “processing”. But if anyone who really knows, loves, and cares about me, maybe that small percentage of those who follow me that do–that follow me for more than pure entertainment value–will get something out of reading this junk I write. Ultimately, I do it for me, though.

I have been seeking my new “tribe” for a while now. I have to surround myself only with those who truly have my interest and my back, those that I truly connect with in some way NOW today, the person I am and am becoming. I have lost many friends, some who genuinely were friends and some that were acquaintances, but I have NEEDED to let them go and in some cases actually push them away. I am doing this for my own good and my own health.

I finally feel like I am beginning to find a new tribe. I have found that writers and artists, most especially those who are not overly religiously zealous, are making up a large part of it. But it is not mandatory that someone NOT be a religious person in order to be my friend, in fact, I have two particularly close friends that are still very into their Christian faith, but I find it harder and harder to relate to them or connect because that’s not where I’m at these days, and actually find a lot of “religiosity” and Christianeze to be highly annoying, (to be honest) but I always try to see a person’s heart and motivation. I understand the viewpoint of being deeply embedded in right-wing Christianity because I was there for many years of my life. 

But my life, my worldview, my belief systems have dramatically changed over fifteen or twenty years, and I fully understand that in a Christian perspective, this makes me lost, backslidden, and plain wrong. I do not believe that, not in any way or form. I am stronger, healthier (mentally and emotionally and spiritually) than I have ever been, regardless of how it looks to others. And no, I don’t need to explain it or justify it.

I am walking my own path and journey of growth, it’s nobody else’s. Don’t get it? Too bad. (Boundaries! Yay!)

I do not like to cut people out of my life but have done so and will continue to if I need to to protect myself from toxicity or even just to STOP feeling like people need me to stop and explain myself at every turn. I don’t need to.

I have a global worldview. I have friends that I chat with all over the world. Kind, loving, genuine people with large hearts and tons of love for others. When you open your heart to those that are different, you begin to grow and see things differently. I now know more about what I look for in a friend than I ever have. It’s not a common belief system or ideology always, but it is people who are real, vulnerable and genuine. I tend to have instant connections with such folk. It’s what I have always strived to be.

I thought it’d be fun to share some things about me, so you can know if we have points of connection or not, and if you want to move on, you can, or if I don’t connect with you, I can move on.

All the stuff I shared above (already revealed a lot about me)!

Also, I have been endeavoring to remove all masks and fakery from my life. I want you to see and know the real me. I’ve always strived for this but I’m getting better at it.

If you don’t know already, I’m a writer, poet, retired indie publisher and editor, philosopher of sorts, and very deep thinker. I’m a “wordy”. Only in recent years I’ve found a love for art, painting, art journaling and the like.

I love people. I also can’t tolerate being around many of them for very long. If I don’t connect on some sort of deep level, I move on.

I don’t like to lump people into “I hate this person, they’re the devil” kind of categories. That’s anger and hatred and I don’t need blind hatred in my life. I believe everyone (almost everyone) has some good in them and aren’t awful all the time. Me or you can be a jerk one day and do something wonderful the next. I do believe there is evil in the world but I think very few people are truly completely evil. (And many of them are sociopaths with psychological problems or brain malfunction, which doesn’t mean you shouldn’t stay away from them.) Noting of course that some people are so broken and damaged that they break and damage others.

So I’m drawn to people who are more sensible in this area.

I’m drawn to practicality, scientific fact, and a lack of deceit or true malice.

I’m very discerning and (usually) can spot a fraud a mile away. I remember even as a teen, laughing in people’s faces at some of the mess they would say to try to manipulate me. Not saying I cannot be manipulated but it would be harder with me than the average Jane.

I don’t have many friends because I don’t put up with crap. Period.

If I am your friend, like truly and deeply, I will become like an octopus on your face (hard to get rid of). Just joking, not at all stalkery but very loyal. I will defend you at every turn.

The opposite of stalkery, I will disappear for weeks or months at a time, but that’s because I am, at my heart, an introvert that enjoys my own company. (Except I’m getting sick of me during this pandemic.) I NEED downtime. I live largely in my head. The things I am most passionate about are the things I do alone, like write, paint, or draw.

If you are dishonest in the way of lying, cheating, stealing, stay far from me for both our sakes.

I will never intentionally hurt you (unless you draw first blood. Then look out.) I will defend my family like a fierce lion. (And sometimes my opinion.)

Okay, that’s enough about me. Tell me about you! (Something deep and real.)