On Friendship

People leave. That’s just the way it is.

I’m not a surface-y kind of person, I don’t want a hundred friends that want to party and talk about the weather. I need a small circle of friends that like me and love me and accept me, friends that I also connect with and care about.

I go deep.

I want friends who will speak to me honestly and openly about their lives, problems, thoughts, issues. Who are not afraid to share openly, and to listen to me share openly, without judgment. Someone I can discuss issues with, and—even when we disagree—we decide to show one another respect and kindness.

I used to believe this was normal and common place, but it isn’t. These kinds of friends are so hard to come by.

I have people come into my life all the time, promising me things, acting as if they’re my new best friend, and then, for whatever reason, I usually have no earthly idea why, they just vanish. And for a long time, I’d beat myself up about that. But I came to a realization; well, a couple, really.

For one, my personality is different and I’m a unique person, (as are others), and sometimes we just don’t gel well for the long-haul. Sometimes others are more of a “surface-y” type, and do not enjoy people who always want to know what’s going on deep inside of their hearts and minds. Some people just aren’t that vulnerable and do not enjoy such a friendship. And that’s okay.

I’ve realized that most of the time, they have their own reasons for fleeing that have nothing to do with me, and the truth is, if they DO have to do with me, then they have to be willing to confront me in love and say “You hurt me” or “what did you mean when you said such-and-such” or to confront in any way. I find most people don’t do this. At the first sign of “realness” in the friendship, the first time we disagree or rub each other the wrong way, they’re gone.

At first this hurt my feelings, but it’s just the way most people are, I’m coming to terms with it.

People are broken, they want to be heard, understood, loved, and accepted, and if any little thing makes them feel less than all of this, their tendency is to move on in their continual search for authentic love and relationship. And sadly, they will likely never find it, unless they hang with “yes-men or yes-women” who never voice a real thought or opinion; those who have learned that being authentic means chasing people away, or the potential to do so.

I’m at a point in my life, though, where I don’t have the energy to expend on trying to “fix” people. I don’t have the energy to chase anyone, not anymore.

So, if we mesh, we do, and I’ll enjoy that friendship as long as it lives. But if you decide I’m too for real, that you can’t handle all of me, then be blessed, and journey on.

I speak my mind. I don’t pussy-foot around. I’m aware of who I am and I have confidence, and I don’t hem and haw about any of that. I have boundaries, I don’t allow people to put me down or insult me or try to tell me how I’m wrong because I’m not just like them.

I don’t have time or energy for any of those games, not anymore.

I’m grounded, secure; I’ve done a lot of work to get where I am, (authentically me), so, as for friendships, know that I am a fiercely loyal friend. But I don’t do BS and drama. Love me, then stick with me. Don’t love me, then walk away. Do what you’ve got to do. I refuse to let it make me bitter or closed down. I will continue to be who I am, regardless of how others treat me.

And for those that are still here, who stick; you are so special in my life and have shown me what true friendship looks like.

And for those who bumped into my life for a while and then left—journey on and journey well.

The Panic in My Mind

My best days are spent not thinking of you
My worst days are spent thinking only of myself
On the bad days, I fall into the well of guessing
Your thoughts
Your feelings
Your motivations
But it isn’t about you at all
After all
It’s only my own personal madness
Descending full blast
Ready to melt my brains and fry my heart
The what-ifs that drive a person
Full-on crazy
The other shoe won’t drop
But it teases you into thinking
It will
When you least expect it
And there’s the rub