Tag: therapy

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We Hold the Key

Ya know, it can really suck when we realize that nobody else is going to fix our wounds. This is why we carry our pain for so long, we keep on believing that it will magically heal itself or that someone who hurt us would come along and somehow fix it. I also mistakenly believed that being in church would enable me to heal and become whole. The truth can be a big Ouch. We hold that key, only us–ourselves. Nobody is coming to save us.

As hard as that is to hear–once you have grasped that, you have a huge decision to make. Stay in pain forever (give up) or get about the business of fixing it for yourself. I hear over and over “you will not change until the pain of remaining the same becomes greater than the fear or pain of doing what you need to do-to change.” It is such truth.

Where to start? Old pain. Origin wounds. We have to (usually through therapy) get to a place where we can face what happened (trauma) without it killing us. Become more of an “observer” so that we can stay there and look at it. For me, writing it all out was immensely helpful. Some people paint or sing or make or create things of all kinds because we unlock the subconscious mind in those moments of creating, and allow things to begin to happen.

When you can sit with it (even while sad) you will eventually be able to dissect it. Were you in any way at fault? (Likely no or you made a poor decision but what happened way outweighed that) or you have to face that it was NOT your fault. For me, forgiving myself for being with someone who I didn’t even truly have feelings for, hanging out with him (out of sheer boredom) and going places I never should’ve gone–was key. Facing the truth that it was NOT on me though, despite a poor decision, meant I could give myself permission to stop hating myself or blaming myself. I was incredibly naive’ and so many young people are. But I did nothing intentionally to cause what happened. I had to give myself a break–forgiveness.

The idea of forgiving who hurt you is a BIG subject. I personally would never tell anyone they MUST forgive their attacker or abuser or rapist. You forgive YOU for any part you played, small as it may have been (because we do carry guilt, deserved or not). Whether or not you can eventually forgive who hurt you is intensely personal and individual. If you can see them for the broken and messed up soul that they are and somehow forgive them–great. If not, go in peace.

I’ve written this on one page but to get to this point can take years and lots of counsel and therapy. I can share tips on ways to heal yourself, if you ever need them, just ask. But you will likely have to speak about it with someone or write about it or in some way get it OUT of you. You can picture it coming out of you and placing it in a box, any mental imagery that helps. (The box gets burned and the pain released.) This sounds easy, again, and it is not.

How do you speak or write about it? By recognizing your worth and by seeing that there is NO shame in talking about it, as we have been taught by the world.

The person in my life is no longer around (I do not remember his last name and I believe he may be dead at this time, and the others involved, no clue–I could never track them down because I don’t know names and faces.) If the person who hurt you is still around or heaven forbid–in your family–this opens up a whole new set of problems. My heart hurts just thinking about that. But however you choose to move forward there–please heal yourself. Don’t carry that “tumor” as I called it–in your body any longer than you must.

Life is tough sometimes. I have been able to release that pain that altered my life and everything about my life–after carrying it for 40 plus years. I want that for you. (I hope you don’t carry it so long or haven’t carried it as long.)

My book is “The Only Way Out is Through” in which I tell my story. If you want to discuss recovering from rape or attack, I am here. I can talk more about how I got free and can now walk in freedom and in power and in confidence. I got my life back (finally) and so can you. I am here for you. Be brave. Be at peace.

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Pammy’s rant & ramble number 4004 (on life and men)

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I’m so glad I found a man I can tolerate. Let me explain.

I started out life with a great love for my father and I had (have) 3 older brothers and I chased after them for years just wanting to be accepted and loved by them. To be honest there is a deep-seeded part of me that blames them (my original fam) for failing me in some way, for failing to adequately prepare me for the thunder-dome of life). But the thing is, it wasn’t a thunder-dome for my mom so she didn’t know how to prepare me for all I’ve been through… not that she didn’t suffer hard times but very oh-so different than anything I faced, it was a totally different world for me. I can’t blame my father, he did the best he could, he worked a lot to provide for us and so he didn’t know what to think of 4 teenagers who began to act a-fool at a certain point, he didn’t know what to do. Parenting truly is the hardest job in the world and the one that we are the LEAST trained or prepared for. My brothers were kids themselves, so therefore free from any responsibility. So, the logical side of me knows I can’t blame any of them for anything.

But when we’re hurt, we look for reasons, people to blame. The truth is, I should only blame those who actually hurt me. The broken hot mess human people who took out their broken-ness on me.

If you’ve known me any amount of time, if you’ve read any of my rambles over the last 9 yrs especially, then you know I’ve been working through some shit. There were a handful, a few, incidents in my teenage years that totally changed who I became in my early adult life. I’ve talked about this before. They destroyed any small self-esteem I might’ve had as a young child. I withdrew so deeply into myself that I had ZERO concept of who I was. I became a chameleon of sorts, I tried to fit in with whatever group of people I found myself with. (I have this skill today in that I can fit in with many maybe even most people, IF or when I want to. I can get along with most. I’ve become a negotiator and peace-maker.)

But thankfully, over the last several years I’ve fought hard to work through all the pain, I figured out that I can’t live life continuing to stuff everything down and pretend it didn’t happen. Ya gotta go through it, ya gotta FEEL it. Let it hurt, let it break you… then you begin to rebuild. I think my trauma is or was at the very root of my health problems as well, along with not being breast-fed (that’s another whole issue, all about Natural Killer Cells and not having them and what causes one to NOT have them… another blog for another time all about the immune system. I’ve learned so much.)

I was unprepared, that’s the point. Totally unprepared for the lion’s den. I had no idea that all boys/men in the world were not basically good, moral people. That some were broken and perverted and plain evil in some cases.

As a result of my trauma, I developed a deep distrust of men and particularly teenaged boys (likely because I was hurt by them.) I still have that. I have tried hard not to allow this to affect my relationship with my own sons. If I was then (when they were small) who I am today, I would’ve raised them a bit differently, but as my parents before me, I did the best I could with what I knew at the time. Which wasn’t much.

So, back to explaining what I said about finding a man I can tolerate. Due to my trauma, I distrust men in general. It’s kind of surprising, even to me, that I didn’t turn to having relationships with women because of this… it happens sometimes. People can be born gay or circumstances can turn them towards it. I’ve met both. (And, of course, there are many other nuances when it comes to a person’s sexuality.) Likely because of my extreme conservative upbringing, the thought never occurred to me.

And so, yeah. I married super young. Just after turning 18. He was and is a decent guy. We had some core issues we couldn’t resolve. I ultimately divorced when my younger son was a baby. At this time, I still had all of these un-resolved issues with men, but one thing I had figured out in my first marriage, was that I would never become someone I wasn’t in order to please a man. During the seven years of that marriage, my insides were churning, the trauma roiling around and causing havoc. I was desperately unhappy.

God or the Universe was watching out for me, because I met my Bill at the job I got when I divorced, working at a hotel at the front desk. There was something about him immediately. He had a youth and innocence about him. He’s three and a half years younger than me and indeed was way more “innocent” than me. I guess this was so different to all of my past experiences with men, and that, combined with his sweet and loving nature, drew me to him. We became best friends quickly.

Now that we’ve been married 32 years, I have found my instincts about him were true. He’s a good guy, the best. He’s one in a million. Such that I know that I will never love another man (if anything, heaven forbid, ever happened to him), I feel sure that there’s nobody else out there like him.

In all of those personality tests, I always show up as fiercely independent and unlikely to marry. I’d say, all things considered this is true. I just happened to find someone perfect for me and I willed myself into making it work and not fleeing when things got too good (because that was a pattern of mine, too.)

That’s what I mean when I say I found a man I can tolerate. I’m not a “man-hater” in the feminist sense, I’ve just been traumatized by the males of the species. I’ve seen and known some of the best men, (my sons included), and I’ve seen and known some of the worst. I probably gifted my sons with some baggage they didn’t deserve. But I love them fiercely.

And Bill and I have a beautiful daughter who grew up with part-time brothers. I’m sure I gave her her own fair share, or more, of baggage, too. But despite this, my children are good people with big hearts.

I’ve (finally) come to a place where I know ME. I know who I am, what I’m all about, what I will tolerate in my life and what I won’t. I have strong boundaries. I will not be “the victim” but will instead be this fierce lioness, the person that was so hard-fought-for, the real me. I will protect me and mine, at all costs.

I haven’t said much about God or religion in this particular post, but my spiritual walk has been with me on this journey and it has been rough. I don’t see God as others do and most days do not know if there is a God. I feel strongly that there is something at work in my life, something I cannot explain and maybe that is God, maybe it’s just the nature of this experiment (life). But I am not the woman I was twenty years ago, or even ten. I’ve grown and I cannot go back. Whatever is for me is ahead of me, and I think… I think this is gonna be my best year yet.