As a woman who has felt brutalized by men before, ignored, abused, demoralized, pushed down, everything in between, I have to say I don’t have a lot of good to say about men, in general. I have (fortunately) in my life, a very good man, an exceptional man and I mean that in the truest sense, he is exceptional and extraordinary in the world of men. (For the time being I’m going to set aside all of my many thoughts about my father specifically, because that is a post, or many posts on their own, so these comments are outside of my relationship with him.)
But being a woman coming out of those negative experiences, it was very hard for me when I had my sons. How do I make sure that these feelings I have toward men in general do not translate directly into them as my sons, as I am raising them? If they know anything at all of how I feel about it, won’t they naturally then assume I have some kind of natural resistance to them because they are male? Will they feel a hatred or dislike or resistance from me that a daughter might not feel? How do I keep that from happening? How do I take those negative experiences and translate that somehow into a good, positive relationship with my sons and make sure they carry no self-hatred inside of themselves that stems from me and my feelings and experiences??
How do I help them be better? Better than those men I had negative experiences with. How do I help them be compassionate, empathetic, understanding, kind? My truth, my experience, is that men generally aren’t that way. My experiences taught me that men are ruled by their penises and their own desires. That they would say or do anything in order to manipulate a woman for their own ends. That sex is always the end-all of every situation, always the ultimate goal, and that true feeling is not required. As many women have felt, I often felt like an accessory, a sex toy, a trophy, something to be obtained and manipulated and played.
There have been a lot of traditional roles for women in past generations, expectations. A woman is to be open and available and sweet and good and quiet and they are to worship their man and obey them and carry their children and cook meals and nurture… they were traditionally the main caregivers for the children. They ought to be available and even willing to have sex on demand (a lady in church, a whore in the bed). Men’s egos had to be continually stroked by their women. After all, they have needs.
(Ahem, no-one ever asked about our needs, BTW.) How do we as mothers, raise a better, stronger, more compassionate generation of men?? How do we stop the cycle? Society suffers when men are allowed to rampantly behave badly and we all know that has been the case for a very long time. Boys will be boys, Locker room banter. Misogyny on a grand scale. And like with most things, it’s on us women, we MOTHERS to stop the cycle.
I hope that we are raising better men, I really do. I have to say my sons (probably in spite of me, more than because of me) are amazing young men. If I hold them up next to the men I knew when I was younger, there is no comparison, it’s night and day difference. Fortunately, I have sons I can be and AM very proud of.
I only know how hard it is to be a woman, I can’t speak to how hard it is to be a man. But I do know that my sons have exhibited strides in the right direction that I’m very proud of. For one, I know they love their mother. It’s a good start. Maybe if more men valued their moms and sisters and daughters it might soften them, help their perspectives a little. If a man stopped and asked themselves “What if this was my mom, or my daughter that this was happening to?” before they behaved badly with a woman, maybe it would help them focus in a better direction. Somehow, some way, our men have to begin to value women. The madness has to stop.
Women are resilient, strong, patient, fierce, longsuffering, and so much more, because we’ve had to be. Women tend to seek to communicate and understand before picking up a weapon and attacking. Our first go-to is love, compromise, communication, not fear, hatred, and warmongering. We want love over power. And that is powerful.
It’s time to listen to the women, to take a cue from us. ASK us what we need and how we feel. Get our input on how to resolve difficult situations. Swallow your egos.
Women are such an under-utilized resource for good, kindness, peace.
We must do better.