In Head and Heart

When my mind won’t keep still

I get lost in daydreams and nightmares

Of demons both real and imagined

The monkey mind off its leash

Causing chaos

The mind revisiting things best left alone

In the darkness of the past

But there I go, digging them up again, turning them ‘round

Thinking that this time, this time

I’ll figure them out and release them finally

Never to be haunted again

But they stay, lodged quite firmly, comfy in their home

In my head

And in my heart

 

Piece of Myself (poem)

 

Most of my life I’ve been keeping a little bit back

A piece of me that was walled and secure

Having seen the devastation of a heart shattered by death and loss

I vowed that would never be me

So

I built that wall, brick by brick over days, over years

Turning away, tuning out, not letting people in

 

Oh I seemed to be, I showed love the best I knew how

But part of me was shut off and after a while even I didn’t notice anymore

 

And then a person comes along and sticks and stays

And they know me more and more and yet still they stick, they stay

But I don’t know how to handle that, always waiting for the shoe to drop

Waiting for them to decide that today is the day they see something in me they just cannot abide

And off they go

 

Again

 

Another one chased away by my truest self and what does that say about me?

Am I intrinsically unlovable? Why has it always seemed that the more they know

The faster they go

 

So I kept that bit, that slice of my heart in cold storage, never letting it out to thaw

Knowing that one day the tragic would happen and it would be that piece that got me through

It was my life insurance against pain you see

Because if I could keep a part of me whole I could rely on that part when the grief came

 

And it always comes

No-one is exempt

 

And now I can feel the ice melting, drip, drip, drip

And it scares the hell out of me

Because if that slice of me is gone, gone to love and acceptance and

Loving with all of my heart and soul then I am a goner

I’m done

There will be nothing left to save me from the pain

 

It’s thawing and now I can’t even stop it, the freezer has stopped working

The wall is crumbling

And when you’re gone I will lose

Even that piece of myself