Tag: friends

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Love Hurts. (Yeah, yeah.)

I wrote a poem about this that is published in the book Heart of Courage but I wanted to talk a bit about this subject, as it is definitely something that defines who I am and it’s something I deal with every day. The idea that, if or when you decide to love someone fully, go “all-in,” you do it knowing full well that, (unless by some twist of fate, you die before everyone else you love), that you will one day experience excruciating, mind-altering, life-changing, gut-wrenching pain. I’ve run from this my whole life in one way or another.

I think I’ve been trying to prepare myself for my parents deaths my entire life, (or from the time I learned of death). Not to go all Sylvia Plath, but for a sensitive like me, learning about and trying to grasp death, and not just your own, but dealing with the deaths of loved ones, well, it’s a daunting prospect. Maybe, even, it is part of why I moved far away from my hometown and put down roots elsewhere. (Deep self-analysis going on here.)

I’ve never had a 30-plus year relationship with anyone before, so there was a time when, after five or seven years with my hubs, I began to get antsy and restless. Noting that I thought I was “all-in” when I married him, there still came a time when that restlessness kicked in. I’ll never forget that time of my life. I really began to struggle, because I knew in my heart that I loved my husband, but trying to shove down my natural inclination to bolt after the new wore off (which I had done my whole life) was difficult. It was one of the very few, and the most powerful and life-changing time, I felt God or the Universe or something deep and profound, speak directly to me. It basically said, “If you leave him, you will cause your sons more unbearable pain, (they had already been through my divorce from their father), your daughter will suffer greatly and will be changed forever. You’ll destroy your husband, a good man who loves you profoundly. Your own life will be a series of failed relationship after failed relationship, leaving an earthquake of damage behind you, everywhere you go.” Something like that. (I was literally shown a mental picture of the flux-capacitor from Back to the Future. If you don’t know what that is, just picture a huge fork in the road.)

I had a good cry, and still knowing I was messed up inside, I made the conscious choice to stay and truly commit and make it work.

All of that to get to the point, that I am so afraid of being left/hurt/broken by others, that I tend to bolt. This has affected every single relationship in my life. Family, friends, boyfriends, husbands… you name it.

Back when I made that decision to stay, it seemed to come with a promise. A promise that my life would go much better and easier, if I just made the right choice then and there. I do believe that has been the case. My life has not been perfect since then, and like anyone’s marriage, ours has had its ups and downs, but I can honestly say that we are better today than we have ever been.

I’m an “over-communicator’ and if you know me much, you know this. I have made sure that he and I have open lines of communication, even though I often have to take hours or days to really dig out of him what is on his mind. (He, like a lot of men, is not an over-communicator.) But we are so close. On our 20th (I think it was) we were asked at a restaurant if we were newlyweds. The waitress had noticed how we smiled and laughed together and held hands across the table. (We still do this. It’s sickening, really.)

My point is, every month, every year, I go more and more “all in” with my hubs. Because I am learning more and more every day how to be whole and healed, which helps me learn how to commit and love just a little more, a bit deeper.

This scares the ever-loving shit out of me.

Unless I go first, I will experience the worst pain ever, if he leaves me or passes away. It will ruin me, I know this. I know it because I have never known love like this before, but I’ve been hurt badly by people I cared about, and I know this kind of pain will blow all of that away.

This is scarier than anything else in my life. I don’t want to know that pain, but it is absolutely part of going all-in. Love is amazing, but sometimes Love Hurts. Intentionally or not. Putting your heart fully out there is opening yourself up to immense pain. I still haven’t perfected it. But I am committed to trying. The only other relationship I know that compares is my love for my kids and grands. A couple super-close friends.

But I have spent years perfecting the “dine – and – dash” of relationships. Most recently (since I’ve been married) I’ve been doing it with friendships. I’ve been a very sucky bad friend. I’ve at times avoided people I care about. I’ve even seemed to be pushing them away. This year I realized this a bit more, because, well, I am continually working on me.

If you are a friend that felt any connection with me and have been hurt by me pushing you away, I want to apologize. I’ve been a scaredy-cat. I’m afraid of being hurt, so I hurt others first, even though it took me some time to realize it. I don’t want to be that person.

And, of course, that said, there are a very few people I have pushed away absolutely on purpose (boundaries) and this is usually men who are misogynists or anyone that I feel I just do not connect with and we are just too different. I don’t have time or energy left to try to explain to someone wanting to be my friend, why I am the way I am on a daily basis, so, often times, I just cut off that relationship, be at peace. Go find someone more like you, if that is what you need. (That’s a very small few.)

Yeah, Love Hurts, and sometimes stinks, like the song says. I love people. I don’t always like them. They don’t always like me. I am so cool with that. Not gonna change me so that you can like me, but I am going to try harder to be kinder and gentler and friendlier to those I do genuinely connect with. I’m fighting my own demons over here, so please be patient. I’m learning.

The book Heart of Courage is available on Amazon-you can search my name to find it. It was written by myself and three other amazing poets from around the country: Nicholas Trandahl, Fiona Summerville, and Kelsi Rose. Pick it up if you have a mind to.

Peace Out

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4 29 20 Brain-dump blog on Boundaries, Friendship, and Sugar

Hello world (if there’s anybody out there listening.) Pammy again. As usual, lots on my mind and heart.

Today I feel about 90 percent recovered from whatever virus my body just fought, be it Covid-19 or whatever. That’s good. I have had some stress-related stuff happening (like heartburn, indigestion, etc) and my oh-so-helpful hubby said, “whatever could be happening these days that could be stressing you out?” Lol! He hit the nail on the head. (Sarcasm, it is rampant in our family.)

Just wanted to jot down some thoughts and opinions, as usual. Brain dump, word vomit.

I am in a not-so-peopley mood today. I don’t have the desire or the mental or emotional energy to dive in and engage with people, and though others have “advised” me to take it easy and protect my empathic self (& I’m speaking of the others that I would even begin to listen to-those who care about me) I never listen. That’s my jam. I have to learn every single thing on my own, and come to any knowledge on my own. I think that comes from a combination of being fiercely, stubbornly independent and having a past where I listened to other people only to have them lead me down their own path and not my own. So I am stubborn. I am 56 years old and a grown-ass woman and I listen to my wisdom, my knowledge, my spirit and intuition and my body, above all else. (And, if you’ll permit me to say, the Universe… in a sense.) I believe some of gut and intuition is defined as “God” or “Spirit” or “conscience.”

My body has confirmed what some loved ones have said. I kinda hate when that happens.

So I’m taking it easy this whole week, continuing to recover. I did something today I rarely do… I baked. I don’t bake. Baked goods in my home are like throwing crack in front of an ex-addict. Not that I was ever obese but like most people, I used to love baked sugary things with a passion. Due to years of trying to get my health in order and protect my body/temple from nasty bad stuff, I learned not to bake, not to eat sugar, (or very rarely) and to never ever bake or bring baked goods into my home. (On occasion they appear at parties, etc.), but after years of training myself, I mostly resist and have for some time.

I use Stevia to sweeten everything or it combined with a bit of coconut sugar or unbleached sugar (if I’m really riding the edge, but rarely). I have called sugar “the white devil” for many years, and I do believe it kills us, either slowly or quickly. It feeds obesity, high blood pressure, heart problems, diabetes and cancers.

Most people can tolerate some in moderation but I’ve never been quite normal. I have odd sensitivity and allergic reactions to all sorts of things so my diet has evolved into something most would find to be kind of extreme. I DO get a little in the form of carbs from my protein bars, in oatmeal or yogurt or a small amount in a spaghetti sauce or something of that nature. But empty white sugar is something hubs and I both avoid for our health.

All of that to explain how it is so odd and rare for me to bake. Last Christmas I made my own oatmeal-based cookie recipe, and I made some scones several months ago with high quality organic ingredients, almond and rice flour, etc., and froze them so I could take out and eat one every couple months or so. I loooove baked goods, they are a true comfort food for me, so in order to make life worth living, once in a rare blue moon, I will make something with high-quality ingredients. Today I used a Simple Mills baking blend and made a banana loaf. It was so soothing to my soul.

(Incoming whiplash from sudden subject change–)I’ve been thinking about how difficult relationships are these days. And how most people truly are followers. Not trying to say that in a “bashy” way, but just an observation. I think most people are usually so busy with the day in and day out responsibilities of life that they don’t take the time to think, mull, meditate, learn, grow. They don’t have or make the time. So in modern society it becomes so easy to quickly grasp your faith or belief systems off of a shelf like at a grocery store. “I’ll take that one. That sounds good and right.” They take it home and put it in its place and they rock it for the rest of forever. Same with worldviews and political affiliations. They never ever stop to ask the deeper questions or try to see another point of view. They’ve been taught that this is wrong or somehow unfaithful.

So not where I am.

Choosing to blaze a trail is a lonely proposition. Getting to a place where you know that you know that you can no longer follow the mainstream or go with the flow in good conscience, knowing that you must stand for your own thoughts, follow the beat of your own drum… it’s a solitary thing. And the trail you blaze may never ever be followed by another. And on top of that thought, is, the thought that it’s okay and everyone should have their very own.

But it is very lonely. Friendship is hard. Relationship is hard. Even in the middle of a community of like-minded people, such as a country club, organization, or church. Friendship is always hard. But when you don’t feel that you have any sense of a “tribe” or community, it can be, well, rough.

I’ve been going through trying to keep a very few old friendships alive and I am finding that one of the hardest things ever since I have totally changed myself and my worldview. People think I’m nuts or just plain disagree, and then they want to argue about it. I love to sit, one on one, and talk with anyone about anything, in a calm, respectful environment, but social media is not at all conducive to such things.

The small handful of girlfriends that I felt, at a time in the past, I connected deeply with, now feel they can’t relate to me in one way or another. As I said, friendship is hard and going your own way is hard.

Lately I have unfollowed some people and on rare occasions, blocked some, on social media, and that is absolutely about my mental health. I don’t hate. But feeling my ulcers return or my blood pressure rise or that vein in my head begin to throb… that’s something I’m going to shut down because I take care of me. Sometimes ya gotta let people go. It breaks my heart but we each must be allowed to be who we are and we deserve to be loved as we are.

Those precious few from my past, they know who they are (and may or may never read this blog) but if you choose to “hang” with me, know that I need you to accept me where I am, and there are certain things I will need you to avoid talking about because it is just too upsetting to me. Those that would choose to have me go backwards to the person I was must stay away. I am not, and I will not. Indeed, I cannot. 

So I have been looking for a new “tribe” of friends. (I put “tribe” in quotation marks because I had a whole discussion once with someone from another country and what the word means here in America as opposed to someone on the other side of the world.) I mean Group of Friends.

I am finding neighbors here in Florida that I dearly love but I always make it very clear from the get-go, who I am and what I believe. I am becoming close with one or two. My social media pages have always been a window to the world for me, and I have begun in the last couple years, to finally lose followers who vehemently disagree with who I am now and I’m finding those I better connect with all over the world. I love artists and writers, but it’s certainly not a requirement. I love deep, real people. Those who strive for vulnerability and honesty laced with love and compassion. I’m beginning to find some.

What a process it has been, and will be. If you stick around, I am so grateful, but I can no longer base my life on the approval of others. If we connect we do, if we don’t we don’t, go in peace.

But I will not surround myself with constant strife. This will not happen. Cuz, (what am I always banging on about?) Boundaries!!

Peace Out, world.

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Fallacies about Life We’ve Learned from FRIENDS

 

Don’t get me wrong, I’m a huge fan. I can quote many episodes word for word, but the show FRIENDS did give us quite an unrealistic view of how our lives should be/might be/could be.

1)     Everyone you care about will always live within 10 minutes of you and will magically appear in a time of crisis.  Now, we know this isn’t true. People move, they have jobs that dictate their schedules, spouses, lives outside of you, so they will not magically appear and throw an arm around your neck when you need it.

2)     Your tribe will be the same six or eight people forever. You and I know that friendships in the real world come and go, and sometimes seem to change with the wind or the season. Chances are good that, though you may have a friend or two throughout your life, your tribe can change as your life changes.

3)     All of life’s problems can and should be settled in under 45 minutes. As with all sit-coms, we see major life issues arrive and be settled to a fair and equitable outcome for all, in under 45 minutes. Soooo not the case in real life, where our problems go on for days, weeks, even years.

4)     Never boot anyone out of your life. Okay, can we say BOUNDARIES? How many of you would put up with some of what these people put up with? Could I really be BFFs with Ross Geller forever? I’m thinking… no. And real-life Monica Gellers have few real long-term friends because of their OCD tendencies and chronic neatness. As an intense person myself, I can say that it can make it tough to maintain the kind of friendships she has, and it would be exhausting for her to have people coming and going in her space all of the time.  And Joey is a misogynistic perv more often than not, running through women like he (hopefully) changes his underwear.

5)     And what about Phoebe? Well, okay, I have nothing negative to say about a homeless gal who has no real visible means of support but manages to live very well in the end. She somehow manages to pull herself out of some tough spaces and maintains her sanity. (But honestly, how much does massage therapy pay??)

6)     And Rachel is our “normal” one. She must’ve been designed and created as the normal gal. Normal. She’s drop-dead gorgeous, no weight problems, perfect hair. Her biggest issues are, which hot dude do I want today and can I make it in the fashion industry? Poor Rachel. We should all be so normal.

7)     Chandler Bing! I must confess Chan-man is my favorite. He’s got that “boy next door cute goofiness” that is hard to resist. He’s smart, funny, and can make a girl laugh. What more could you want? He’s the one we always find ourselves rooting for. You want him to find true love and make good in life.

So, in summary, what can we learn from FRIENDS? That it is great entertainment. Period.