Author: plswyers

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Blog Saturday April 25th 20 On life, boundaries, and my exodus from church (finding myself)

Hello my lovelies. Dang I feel emotionally better today, but last night…. Oooohhh

Last night I had a full-on meltdown that I’m quite sure would look like a nervous breakdown of sorts. It wasn’t. I am a person who was taught to always stuff down their emotions so in recent years I am learning to let them out when they need to come out. I’ve gotten up to crying 3 times a year! Yippee! I had not cried in sooo long and not at all since this virus was let loose on the world.

I’ve had a lot of training over the years and motherhood is a great teacher, too, in being strong, taking care of others, meeting their needs at the cost of your own, etc. For all of these reasons I have had to learn how to heal my own insides, to process these strong emotions when they come and take care of me. (The only way out is through. That’s my new mantra.)

So while still hiccup crying, I got on my laptop and typed a 2 page document where I spewed (talk about word vomit!) all my junk out. Every single sentence began with the word “Fuck.”

That’s normally not how I roll, but it was a long-time coming and indeed, it was good. So cathartic. I kinda want to share that document (that’s just my need to be seen and understood) but I think I’ll keep that to myself, or maybe print it out, then journal over it (draw and paint over it). BTW, it was amazing therapy so if there are things you need to get out but don’t feel you can tell anyone, write or type them out, then shred them or do whatever with them. It helps so much.

I had a great online appointment with my primary care doc yesterday, and it’s quite possible I have the ‘rona. I definitely have a virus that is attacking my lungs. I missed the time slots available to go to our closest drive-up testing center, and that one won’t open until Wednesday. There’s another in Daytona Beach, if I get desperate to know (for my own knowledge) if it is Covid-19 or some other virus. That one is opened on Monday. The doc says it is all academic as long as I am isolating and doing all the things the doc tells me to do (etc). I don’t need to go to the hospital unless I take a big turn for the worse (higher fever, cannot breathe even with all these meds and nebulizer) and if that were to happen, I’d go to the hospital. They would test me there at that time. The results take a week to get back, so pretty academic. It may well be gone – should be gone- in that time frame. Only occasionally and sporadically do I seem to have any fever, and it is low, one or two points above normal. I’m actually dealing well, and don’t expect any need for any hospital visits anytime soon. I’m a fighter and have had to fight illness a lot. This time feels a bit different in the lungs which makes me think it may well be Covid-19, but it doesn’t matter so long as I don’t share it with others and take care of myself. I’ll see how I feel Monday about getting the test.

That’s out of the way, so now let’s talk about boundaries. And women with boundaries, specifically. Do you have them? If you don’t, get some. They will absolutely change/save your life. Also gonna touch on my worldview and some of things I’ve learned along my journey.

It took me way too long and I dealt with way too much BS in my life before I learned to say “No!” and loudly at times. Unfortunately we are often taught (especially us gals) that it is unseemly, unacceptable, “unChristian” or wrong to stand up for ourselves in any way. “Sit still, look pretty” describes a lot of my earlier years of life. (I didn’t feel pretty, still often don’t) but still got the feeling that we women were for looking at and having sex with, and hey, if you can find a meek and mild one, maybe marry her and have babies. (In the kitchen, barefoot and pregnant, cooking dinner!) Yeah, I do come from that kind of a background. Not bashing anyone who does the housewife and mom thing, I did it for a long time, but this is more about how the male of the species sees women in general. We (and often children) were to be seen and not heard. Arm candy. Trophy wife. All of those things. Took me a loooong time to get my head on straight about who and what I am as a woman and the value that I (we) have. Our power has been stripped and we need to reclaim it. We are just as pushed down as any race or ethnic group in some ways. (Not to say I understand AT ALL what it would be like to be a woman AND a person of color.) And for power to be stripped one must have it in the first place.

Part of my research over the last few years has been deeper into religion, ancient scrolls and the like. I found out that women were actually a huge part of the Christian leadership in the very early days of Christianity. Because of the misogyny of that time, and let’s face it, forever, when men came in and took over, they relegated women back into the kitchen and into servitude. Of course, women wanting to serve Christ gladly did what they could to serve (and do today.) Many modern denominations, maybe most, do not allow women in positions of leadership and certainly don’t allow them to speak from the pulpit. Archaic, misogynistic and wrong in my thinking. If you ever want to be truly valued in your gifts, talents, and leadership skills, I daresay it won’t happen in most churches. Even if they put you into a position of authority, most of the men in the congregations would take issue. This is stinky and wrong. (I come from a background of volunteering and being on paid staff at a church for many years.)

This leads into my lifeview and worldview making a 180 in a lot of things. Misogyny in the church did not start my defection from Christianity, just an observation. Much of my research and reading led me to believe that the bible as we have it today (and Catholics have one type, protestants another, and other denominations and religion still others) is not completely accurate and certainly is not holy or to be worshipped. Is it a good book with lots of stories and inspirational stuff? Yes. Some history? Yes, some accuracy? Yes, I believe that. I no longer see it as infallible, and even found up to 1200 plus instances where it contradicts itself. Scrolls were intentionally left out and people just blindly accept that that was “of God”. I don’t believe it. One thing I do know is humanity, and it always has its own agenda. Not trying to change anyone’s mind here, just sharing my life, thoughts, views.

As you might imagine, my spiritual life has taken many twists and turns (if you look back over a lot of my older posts, I rant a lot about my feelings, the changes, how hard it has been on me to turn the Titanic of my belief systems around, how painful it was to make the decision to leave mainstream Christianity, etc.) Lots of word vomit, talking it out, etc. Painful experience in many ways but absolutely a growth experience for me. 

For a while I came close to Christian-bashing and being against any kind of faith. (I still get “triggered” when people quote scripture at and to me, especially in that surfacey trite way “Oh just pray more and the bible says yada yada, there, now you are all fixed.” or “If you were just more spiritual, better, more perfect like Christ, you’d be fine, ya filthy lost sinner.” It’s all very triggering to me, I no longer believe all that most of mainline Christianity believes, and therefore have chosen NOT to align myself with the Christian church overall.

I still struggle with any kind of faith issues. I continue to study lots of different religions, ideologies, etc. I am fascinated with how people all over the world see God, how they find him, how they worship, etc. I would call myself a “seeker of truth” (not an organization but a philosophy) and have zero tolerance for others thinking they have cornered the market on truth. I call BS.

I am more loving (believe it or not) than I have ever been and have a great love for all of humanity. When I weep it is often for all of humanity and what we do to each other. I carry a big burden about all of those things. It matters to me.

I am just now getting to a place where I can “tolerate” for lack of a better term, being around people who are very deep into Christianity and quote scripture at everyone, everything, every problem. I’m trying to heal in that area and accept people for who they are as I want to be accepted for who I am.

I learned a lot in churches, had many positive experiences, but for me, in hindsight, there were a lot of wrong toxic principles and beliefs that I am still trying to heal from. Misogyny and under-valuing women is only one of those things. But I deal with that in every area and aspect of life.

If you are very entrenched in your beliefs in Christianity, we may never truly connect, and I have explained a tiny bit, a microscopic bit of all of the reasons why. But if you are kind, compassionate, open-minded, and if you find we connect on some level, that’s all good. I like to have friends from many different walks of life, and I do have (all over the world). You do you and I’ll do me. 

Anyway, this is already long but just to touch again on boundaries and finish my thought. We women and really everyone, have got to learn to establish boundaries that say, “You may come this far and no further.” A boundary is like screaming, “No!! You may not!!” with an outstretched hand. It’s like having a bodyguard (but the bodyguard is you.) I want to talk about this more in future posts but I think I’m gonna rest now. Self-care is a GOOD thing.

Love you all. Stay strong. Be mindful of others and take care of YOU.

Peace Out.

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Pammy’s Blog/Ramble 1,254 April 23 20

Talk about having a lot of time to rant and ramble and navel gaze. Introspection has been my jam largely over the last 15 years and most especially the last four or five and now from the middle of a global pandemic. The following will be an amalgamation of my current thoughts, musings, and my overall health and well-being.

I’ve had lung mess off and on a lot, and was sick in the lungs and coughing for a full 2 years. Yes, literally. This 2 year time frame began to come to an end and I began to feel better around summer 2019. Since then my lungs had been amazing, super well, almost healthier than ever as I’d tightened down my already tight eating habits and had indeed dedicated my entire year 2019 to getting well and healthy. It had begun to work and I turned a corner.

Now, since February or so of this year, (when our allergy season begins here in Central Florida) I’ve had throat and lung mess off and on continually. I get super phlegmy, sometimes a sore throat, and then it will start to move into my lungs. Then it goes away and gets better. (I take some amazing immune support products and I know that I know that these have saved my life many times) but recently it just keeps coming and going repeatedly. I’ve not run a high fever and rarely a low grade one. May be related to EBV issues I’ve had, but whatever it is, it distresses me even more NOW because, of course, when you’re in the midst of a pandemic, every time you get sick you are faced with your own mortality and the possibility that this could be “it” and maybe I’ll die and maybe not and maybe I’ll get really, really sick and then get well, or maybe not.

That’s what I’m dealing with physically. Last 2 nights breathing a bit rough. No fever. Productive cough. Using inhaler.

On top of the physical, of course, I, like everyone, have been trying to deal with the mental, emotional, psychological distress, keep an eye on my spirit and soul and look after me.

Over the last several years, I’ve changed, a lot. I know that deep down I am more genuinely ME than I have ever been, but I have learned and am learning to have strong boundaries, and to say what I think and feel. I’ve done and am doing a lot of healing. I know that this looks like a hot mess to those around me, but I can’t care about that. I am getting really good at monitoring my emotional energy levels and protecting my empathic self. Protecting my soul, protecting me. It finally occurred to me after many years that I am the only one who truly can and should do this. I have to establish boundaries, I have to know and love me, and I don’t have to care what that looks like to anyone else.

I know that those few people that were a part of my life 20 years ago that still follow me in any way, are confused about who I am and what’s going on. Again, I can’t waste energy on that. I have a limited supply. For the most part I say and write things for my own “processing”. But if anyone who really knows, loves, and cares about me, maybe that small percentage of those who follow me that do–that follow me for more than pure entertainment value–will get something out of reading this junk I write. Ultimately, I do it for me, though.

I have been seeking my new “tribe” for a while now. I have to surround myself only with those who truly have my interest and my back, those that I truly connect with in some way NOW today, the person I am and am becoming. I have lost many friends, some who genuinely were friends and some that were acquaintances, but I have NEEDED to let them go and in some cases actually push them away. I am doing this for my own good and my own health.

I finally feel like I am beginning to find a new tribe. I have found that writers and artists, most especially those who are not overly religiously zealous, are making up a large part of it. But it is not mandatory that someone NOT be a religious person in order to be my friend, in fact, I have two particularly close friends that are still very into their Christian faith, but I find it harder and harder to relate to them or connect because that’s not where I’m at these days, and actually find a lot of “religiosity” and Christianeze to be highly annoying, (to be honest) but I always try to see a person’s heart and motivation. I understand the viewpoint of being deeply embedded in right-wing Christianity because I was there for many years of my life. 

But my life, my worldview, my belief systems have dramatically changed over fifteen or twenty years, and I fully understand that in a Christian perspective, this makes me lost, backslidden, and plain wrong. I do not believe that, not in any way or form. I am stronger, healthier (mentally and emotionally and spiritually) than I have ever been, regardless of how it looks to others. And no, I don’t need to explain it or justify it.

I am walking my own path and journey of growth, it’s nobody else’s. Don’t get it? Too bad. (Boundaries! Yay!)

I do not like to cut people out of my life but have done so and will continue to if I need to to protect myself from toxicity or even just to STOP feeling like people need me to stop and explain myself at every turn. I don’t need to.

I have a global worldview. I have friends that I chat with all over the world. Kind, loving, genuine people with large hearts and tons of love for others. When you open your heart to those that are different, you begin to grow and see things differently. I now know more about what I look for in a friend than I ever have. It’s not a common belief system or ideology always, but it is people who are real, vulnerable and genuine. I tend to have instant connections with such folk. It’s what I have always strived to be.

I thought it’d be fun to share some things about me, so you can know if we have points of connection or not, and if you want to move on, you can, or if I don’t connect with you, I can move on.

All the stuff I shared above (already revealed a lot about me)!

Also, I have been endeavoring to remove all masks and fakery from my life. I want you to see and know the real me. I’ve always strived for this but I’m getting better at it.

If you don’t know already, I’m a writer, poet, retired indie publisher and editor, philosopher of sorts, and very deep thinker. I’m a “wordy”. Only in recent years I’ve found a love for art, painting, art journaling and the like.

I love people. I also can’t tolerate being around many of them for very long. If I don’t connect on some sort of deep level, I move on.

I don’t like to lump people into “I hate this person, they’re the devil” kind of categories. That’s anger and hatred and I don’t need blind hatred in my life. I believe everyone (almost everyone) has some good in them and aren’t awful all the time. Me or you can be a jerk one day and do something wonderful the next. I do believe there is evil in the world but I think very few people are truly completely evil. (And many of them are sociopaths with psychological problems or brain malfunction, which doesn’t mean you shouldn’t stay away from them.) Noting of course that some people are so broken and damaged that they break and damage others.

So I’m drawn to people who are more sensible in this area.

I’m drawn to practicality, scientific fact, and a lack of deceit or true malice.

I’m very discerning and (usually) can spot a fraud a mile away. I remember even as a teen, laughing in people’s faces at some of the mess they would say to try to manipulate me. Not saying I cannot be manipulated but it would be harder with me than the average Jane.

I don’t have many friends because I don’t put up with crap. Period.

If I am your friend, like truly and deeply, I will become like an octopus on your face (hard to get rid of). Just joking, not at all stalkery but very loyal. I will defend you at every turn.

The opposite of stalkery, I will disappear for weeks or months at a time, but that’s because I am, at my heart, an introvert that enjoys my own company. (Except I’m getting sick of me during this pandemic.) I NEED downtime. I live largely in my head. The things I am most passionate about are the things I do alone, like write, paint, or draw.

If you are dishonest in the way of lying, cheating, stealing, stay far from me for both our sakes.

I will never intentionally hurt you (unless you draw first blood. Then look out.) I will defend my family like a fierce lion. (And sometimes my opinion.)

Okay, that’s enough about me. Tell me about you! (Something deep and real.)


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Blog from the Belly of the Beast

“If the world was ending you’d come over, right?” sings Julia Michaels. The song has deeper meaning than ever. I don’t personally believe the world is ending but it most definitely is changing. Mother Earth is catching a break and a breath in the middle of all of this.

I believe  that God or Spirit or the Universe (whatever you choose to call it) tries to speak to us. We’re continually being stretched, there are lessons we are supposed to learn. For a while I’ve been banging the drum about walking away from dogma, from man-made boxes and labels. The most glaring examples are found in religion and politics. You MUST pick a box, we are told, then sign your life away to everything that box stands for. Everyone outside this box and those in other boxes are the enemy. We must stay away, lest we “catch” what they have. And ultimately, name-calling, villifying, and eventually murder and war. What little predictable ants we are.

I will never go back to that way of thinking. I get called all sorts of things, and sometimes on social media, I feel as though I look behind me as I run and I am being chased by throngs of people carrying labels and boxes. They fling them at me. “Liberal! Socialist! Hippie! Right-wing nut-job!” All depending on what I’ve said that has set them off.

I used to (and sometimes still) try to explain my mindset to others, but it always, every time, leads to the labeling and name-calling, judging, writing me off. There are a precious few who seem to love me in spite of who I am, not sure anyone loves me for exactly who I am. Maybe God and my hubs. Maybe a precious few. So for this “hippie” who has learned many tough lessons on how to be fiercely independent and deal with being, at times, all alone with myself and my thoughts, it’s just one more thing. One more thing that labels me “different”.

This pandemic is forcing others to sit still, to think, to ponder, maybe go inside and ponder deeper things (which is what I spend most of my time doing.) Fear becomes a monstrous beast, and even those claiming to be the most faithful are running scared. Hoarding. Taking care of “Number One” and not thinking about the needs of others. If you do voice concern for others, out come those label-makers… Look out!

We have the people who are doomsday preppers, totally in their element right now, driven by the beast of fear. Many in denial, can’t possibly be true, can’t possibly affect ME, can’t be happening, I’ll ignore it and it’ll go away. Then there are the young or just plain frightened, the broken, completely confused, curled up in a fetal position, waiting for the next shoe or belt to fall. They’ve always believed the world a harsh and scarey place and this latest madness only confirms it.

I’ve seen them, though. The calm, the peaceful, the ones who see what’s happening full well, and rise to the occasion. Those who reach out, no matter the cost. If I have to shelter at this time in a box, I’ll move in with these people. They’re out there helping people online, or working as nurses or doctors. Driving across the country or filling shelves for us. Checking out groceries when they’d rather be anywhere else. They write things about how to calm ourselves, give Yoga and meditation lessons, art lessons, do live online meet-ups so we can still find some way to huddle together. They’re not being positive because they’re in denial, they see the bigger picture. That people need people right now. They need the voices of calm reason and hope and love. I’ll be in that number, I’ll be a helper in any way I can.

As soon as I realized that going about my business could mean that I was spreading the virus, even if I had no symptoms, I began to re-organize my life. I learned the phrase “Flatten the Curve” and I know that the faster we isolate ourselves, the faster we will all be over this. Other countries have been overwhelmed and doctors have had to sit and watch patients die because their resources were stretched too thin.

It’s a surreal time to be alive on planet earth.

But there have been many such times in history, times of crisis. Times when those around you get to see who you really are. Each morning we choose fear or hope. We choose who and what we will be, not just for ourselves but to the world at large.

And finally, here are some Introverting tips from a Pro:

* Make lists. Chore lists, and fun stuff lists.

*Read. You no longer have an excuse not to.

*Stretch, Meditate and/or pray, exercise

*If you can get sun while isolating, do so. It helps everything.

*Grab some paper and write or draw or journal. It can be very helpful to put pen in hand and just let it rip. Intuitively creating is at its best when you’re alone.

*Listen to your favorite music. (Dance. Yes, dance.)

*Netflix and chill (or whatever you have to watch.)

*One Day at a Time (Don’t get caught up in what-ifs and tomorrows, take care of right now, today.)

*Choose Love. Choose Hope. (Oh and please, put away the label-maker.)

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Pammy’s rant & ramble number 4004 (on life and men)

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I’m so glad I found a man I can tolerate. Let me explain.

I started out life with a great love for my father and I had (have) 3 older brothers and I chased after them for years just wanting to be accepted and loved by them. To be honest there is a deep-seeded part of me that blames them (my original fam) for failing me in some way, for failing to adequately prepare me for the thunder-dome of life). But the thing is, it wasn’t a thunder-dome for my mom so she didn’t know how to prepare me for all I’ve been through… not that she didn’t suffer hard times but very oh-so different than anything I faced, it was a totally different world for me. I can’t blame my father, he did the best he could, he worked a lot to provide for us and so he didn’t know what to think of 4 teenagers who began to act a-fool at a certain point, he didn’t know what to do. Parenting truly is the hardest job in the world and the one that we are the LEAST trained or prepared for. My brothers were kids themselves, so therefore free from any responsibility. So, the logical side of me knows I can’t blame any of them for anything.

But when we’re hurt, we look for reasons, people to blame. The truth is, I should only blame those who actually hurt me. The broken hot mess human people who took out their broken-ness on me.

If you’ve known me any amount of time, if you’ve read any of my rambles over the last 9 yrs especially, then you know I’ve been working through some shit. There were a handful, a few, incidents in my teenage years that totally changed who I became in my early adult life. I’ve talked about this before. They destroyed any small self-esteem I might’ve had as a young child. I withdrew so deeply into myself that I had ZERO concept of who I was. I became a chameleon of sorts, I tried to fit in with whatever group of people I found myself with. (I have this skill today in that I can fit in with many maybe even most people, IF or when I want to. I can get along with most. I’ve become a negotiator and peace-maker.)

But thankfully, over the last several years I’ve fought hard to work through all the pain, I figured out that I can’t live life continuing to stuff everything down and pretend it didn’t happen. Ya gotta go through it, ya gotta FEEL it. Let it hurt, let it break you… then you begin to rebuild. I think my trauma is or was at the very root of my health problems as well, along with not being breast-fed (that’s another whole issue, all about Natural Killer Cells and not having them and what causes one to NOT have them… another blog for another time all about the immune system. I’ve learned so much.)

I was unprepared, that’s the point. Totally unprepared for the lion’s den. I had no idea that all boys/men in the world were not basically good, moral people. That some were broken and perverted and plain evil in some cases.

As a result of my trauma, I developed a deep distrust of men and particularly teenaged boys (likely because I was hurt by them.) I still have that. I have tried hard not to allow this to affect my relationship with my own sons. If I was then (when they were small) who I am today, I would’ve raised them a bit differently, but as my parents before me, I did the best I could with what I knew at the time. Which wasn’t much.

So, back to explaining what I said about finding a man I can tolerate. Due to my trauma, I distrust men in general. It’s kind of surprising, even to me, that I didn’t turn to having relationships with women because of this… it happens sometimes. People can be born gay or circumstances can turn them towards it. I’ve met both. (And, of course, there are many other nuances when it comes to a person’s sexuality.) Likely because of my extreme conservative upbringing, the thought never occurred to me.

And so, yeah. I married super young. Just after turning 18. He was and is a decent guy. We had some core issues we couldn’t resolve. I ultimately divorced when my younger son was a baby. At this time, I still had all of these un-resolved issues with men, but one thing I had figured out in my first marriage, was that I would never become someone I wasn’t in order to please a man. During the seven years of that marriage, my insides were churning, the trauma roiling around and causing havoc. I was desperately unhappy.

God or the Universe was watching out for me, because I met my Bill at the job I got when I divorced, working at a hotel at the front desk. There was something about him immediately. He had a youth and innocence about him. He’s three and a half years younger than me and indeed was way more “innocent” than me. I guess this was so different to all of my past experiences with men, and that, combined with his sweet and loving nature, drew me to him. We became best friends quickly.

Now that we’ve been married 32 years, I have found my instincts about him were true. He’s a good guy, the best. He’s one in a million. Such that I know that I will never love another man (if anything, heaven forbid, ever happened to him), I feel sure that there’s nobody else out there like him.

In all of those personality tests, I always show up as fiercely independent and unlikely to marry. I’d say, all things considered this is true. I just happened to find someone perfect for me and I willed myself into making it work and not fleeing when things got too good (because that was a pattern of mine, too.)

That’s what I mean when I say I found a man I can tolerate. I’m not a “man-hater” in the feminist sense, I’ve just been traumatized by the males of the species. I’ve seen and known some of the best men, (my sons included), and I’ve seen and known some of the worst. I probably gifted my sons with some baggage they didn’t deserve. But I love them fiercely.

And Bill and I have a beautiful daughter who grew up with part-time brothers. I’m sure I gave her her own fair share, or more, of baggage, too. But despite this, my children are good people with big hearts.

I’ve (finally) come to a place where I know ME. I know who I am, what I’m all about, what I will tolerate in my life and what I won’t. I have strong boundaries. I will not be “the victim” but will instead be this fierce lioness, the person that was so hard-fought-for, the real me. I will protect me and mine, at all costs.

I haven’t said much about God or religion in this particular post, but my spiritual walk has been with me on this journey and it has been rough. I don’t see God as others do and most days do not know if there is a God. I feel strongly that there is something at work in my life, something I cannot explain and maybe that is God, maybe it’s just the nature of this experiment (life). But I am not the woman I was twenty years ago, or even ten. I’ve grown and I cannot go back. Whatever is for me is ahead of me, and I think… I think this is gonna be my best year yet.

 

 

 

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Blog post 12/17/19 All About Allergies (What I’ve Found Out (after 50 yrs!)

 

 

Warning: Long story but you must know the FULL picture!

Here is my promised post that talks about what I have found out about allergies in general, my body, what’s happening with me, etc.

I’ll start with some background for those that haven’t known me my whole life. I’m the Girl in the Plastic Bubble (reference to a movie called The Boy n the Plastic Bubble in the 70s, meaning I need to live in one because for 50 yrs this world has been trying to kill me.) Or so it seems.

Normal people have allergies and reactions to things from time to time, maybe a little contact dermatitis or eczema but for me, my reactions have been extreme and unexplainable. I’ve been dealing with an immune system that is totally whack-a-doodle. I’ve had severe nasal and upper respiratory allergies for years and when I say I have dermatitis, I can break out from head to toe in painful rashes and hives that hurt and burn, we’re not talking mild little rash we are talking super-severe. I have never known why this happens. I have been to probably at least 8 dermatologists throughout my life and several primary care docs, and allergists, and in my 20s I tried getting allergy testing and shots for 4 years, and that did nothing for me. I went to an allergy clinic in Atlanta in my 30s and was told I could try shots again but at that time my insurance didn’t cover it and it was hugely expensive, and since I’d tried it before and it hadn’t worked, I’d just throw my hands in the air and try my best to deal with it.

On occasion it had been suggested to me that I might have food allergies but I tried figuring that out on my own and have indeed been chasing that line of inquiry for several years, but never really found a good comprehensive test that gave me any real answers, and the things I was sensitive to, seemed to change every few years.

Alongside all of this, I would have odd things happen, I developed Miniere’s Disease (ringing in the ears, hearing loss and tinnitus) and I once had a rash break out on the bridge of my nose that looked flesh-eating and no doctor could identify it. I would catch any and every thing that came along and seemed to suffer more than most with colds, flus, bugs. All of this, has greatly affected my life, who I am, where I go and what I do. I never feel like I can just wear shorts or short-sleeves, I don’t travel well, etc. I have thyroid disease (under-active) and cannot lose weight well or easily even when on strict diets. I swell and retain water and just have, well TONS of physical challenges on a daily basis. Extremely dry, over-sensitive skin, fatigue, just mess.

So. Here comes 2010 and I decide to go on Nutrisystem, fed up with my inability to lose weight even though I ate healthier than anyone I knew and exercised 3 or 4 times a week, I thought I’d give that a try. Hubby did it, too, and together we lost a bunch of weight (I lost 40 lbs and hubs lost around 90).

Also, note that, although I grew up with pets in the house, after leaving home as an adult I found that my allergies that had been slight before to pets, became more and more severe. On one occasion did I manage to MAKE myself have a dog and I somehow got used to her and she’d only break me out occasionally, and that was our beloved pet Sassy. (We tried with other dogs and it never worked out, but Sassy we had for her whole life.) After she passed away from cancer, by the time we grieved and even thought of getting another pet, I found that my allergies had become even more severe again and I could not be in the same room with any pet without my lungs shutting down, so at that time I just resigned myself to having no pets. (An example, in a recent allergy test, 100 was a large number for a dog allergy and I tested at 300.) I’ve been ordered by all of my docs to stay away from animals. My lungs and skin and sinuses cannot deal.

So this kinda catches you up. Just after doing Nutrisystem in 2010, I remember being on a Z Pack antibiotic, and then about a week later, I began to have odd pain in my hands and feet. Within a couple weeks I became bed-ridden with such intense pain that I literally could not move, could not sleep, feed myself, walk, bathe or even lift my arms. The doctors were baffled.

I went to a rheumatologist and he did all sorts of tests and seemed to just scratch is head and this is when they gave me pan meds and there are a few weeks of my life that I barely remember. I went to a naturopath also who tried to help me with various things, expensive natural treatments, etc, while the doc still scratched his head. I finally went to get a second opinion from a second rheumatologist in Atlanta.

By the time I saw her, I had full-blown RA. I now know and understand that whatever that was that happened initially was NOT RA, but triggered it in my body.

So, nine years go by of me trying out these RA meds, I settled on Rituxan, which is a high-powered biologic which represses the immune system, because, basically, my immune system had become so whacked out that it was attacking every muscle and joint in my body. I took that by infusion (IV) every six months up until October ’18 was the last infusion.

Around this time, I became super ill in my upper respiratory system, chronic ear infections and sinus infections and it moved into my lungs and I was sick for a total of nearly 2 years straight, meaning no antibiotic would keep it at bay (as soon as I’d finish it, the infection would return) and the antibiotics made my face red and hot. They also gave me steroids over and over again, and as soon as I was off them, I was sick again. This was the time frame where I began to what to move to another state/city out of desperation, thinking maybe my allergies were just so bad in Atlanta that I needed to be anywhere else. They do have a horrible air quality there as well. We had visited Central Florida and I began to research areas that were les touristy but near the ocean and we found Palm Coast (where we now live).

Meanwhile my doctors were all at a loss and saying “We cannot continue to give you antibiotics and steroids constantly.” Yet they did not know what to do for me or how to help me- at all. I just wanted help, hope, health, I set my goal to make 2019 my year of Chasing Health. Hubs talked to his boss and got the okay to move out of state and work from home full-time which was HUGE and a big green light.

We moved and at that time (almost exactly one year ago) I was on 3 breathing treatments a day, several oral meds, rescue inhaler, steroid inhalers, etc. Began finding docs here, they by and large thought and said the same things. Here are some steroids, here are some antibiotics, we can’t keep giving you these. But no answers as to what I should do. I was at the end of my rope and feeling utterly hopeless. I assumed I’d just have to keep taking these drugs until I eventually died.

I started eating super strictly and healthy (even more than I already had been—I’d been off white sugar and flour for some time, no soda, no sweets, no fried or fast foods etc, for some time). I began to experiment with foods and try to gauge reactions, writing things down, etc. I kept up exercising but here in Florida (I had sold my treadmill for the move) but I would go outside and walk, we go to the ocean every weekend and walk near the water and sit and enjoy the ocean and the air, etc. The air quality, temps, etc are far better here, and for likely the first time in my life, I began to enjoy being outside. I was having horrible allergies anyway so I didn’t let that stop me from going out and park-walking, etc. (Some of the docs did suggest hiding up inside the house and never going outside where others told me to get out and get fresh air.) Fresh air has been amazing for me BTW.

So then. After finding my first RA doc here, he told me I wasn’t having any symptoms and to come see him if/when the RA seemed to e flaring and we’d take care of it but I was basically in remission for RA. This happened almost immediately. The 6 month infusion I’d taken in October wore off but I felt fine. Awesome sauce. I felt I was making some little progress. I finally convinced myself to find one more allergist and pursue allergy testing and shots or whatever they suggested – again.

Enter Dr. Dantini. So, in August I had his patented food allergy blood test which tests for more food allergies than any doc or test I’ve ever found. I have over 20 things I now have to avoid. Been doing that (to the degree that one can KNOW what is in everything ya eat- eating out or whatever), and I experienced some measure of relief. Of the 20 items, corn and yeast products seem to be the worst things for me and make me break out head to toe and start clawing my skin off. But I have cut them all out. Y’all may remember me saying that COFFEE, my beloved java juice, was on this list. I cut it totally out for 6 weeks or so, then “challenged” it (where I try having something on my AVOID list and seeing how I react.) I had stomach acid-like reactions but didn’t notice any immediate skin reaction-but sometimes it takes days. I still don’t know for sure if coffee is affecting my skin, but staying away for the most part to be safe, at least for now. It is my ONE thing, so I will keep trying to get the best organic shade-grown low acid coffee and having it as a treat, but will wait til I am past this last EPISODE which I am about to tell you about. So, I also got environmental (scratch-tests) done and a few things popped there. Pets, and ragweed are probably the worst from that angle. I began taking allergy shots in August twice a week.

Now, by Thanksgiving, we had decided to go to see our kids in GA and VA and eat our holiday dinner in VA with our son and his family there. I was already having some off and on itching before we left. I tried to explain my allergies to my sweet DIL but in the end, I said don’t worry about it too much, it’s one meal, I’ll cheat, whatever. How bad could it get??? (Mistake!)

By the time I was on my way home, I was super-dried out from the cold harsh weather, my skin was chapped and raw, I was broke out in rashes and hives by the time we got back to our hotel in SC on the way. I was in tears. I got home and saw my dermatologist PA who freaked and biopsied my skin (by this time it looked like I had radiation burns.) The next day I saw Dr. Dantini the allergist and he explained that the missing of 2 shots, the change in the environment, the little cheats here and there with coffee and the other things I’d ingested knowingly and unknowingly along the way, had swarmed and had caused this massive reaction. I had to get on steroids. He also said “There is something else afoot here and we need to find out what it is. Some underlying illness or disease.” We discussed that horrible incident back in 2010 when I was bedridden and he put in for a huge battery of blood tests. He just knew that there was some underlying cause, virus or bacteria at play.

NOW. This brings us current. Yesterday, I got my blood test results. I have EBV and Fifth’s Disease. These are not rare diseases and are in the same family or category of DNA diseases as Chicken Pox, Shingles, and several others that ALL of us get exposed to every day. But knowing I had these turned on a lightbulb for him.

He explained that about 1/3 of all humans on planet earth do not have enough Natural Killer Cells in our guts (our immune cells). For whatever reason we 100 million or so folks, do not have them. So, if I (who do not have them) get exposed to these common viruses, my immune system FREAKS. It cannot handle it. I begin to exhibit whacked out allergic-reactions to tons of things, and the things I react to can change at will. My current allergy-test results are a good indicator of WHAT I am reacting to right NOW. But my system, and those like me (and he is the same) cannot deal with these viruses, we are not equipped. The guy next to me, like my husband for example, exposed to the same viruses but has ZERO reaction.

There’s meds for this. I’m on 2 anti-viral meds. Common anti-viral meds. He says I WILL get better.

JAW dropping AHA moment. For the first time in fifty years of suffering, I have hope. (The molecules I have mentioned before that are all natural that I take also help build immune system and also work on these Natural Killer Cells.)

WTF. WHY DID NOBODY EVER TELL ME THIS IN FIFTY YEARS??!! I kept shouting this in my car on the way home. I have hope, y’all. And it’s a powerful thing.

It is my truest hope that this info will help you or someone you know, too.

 

 

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Mimi’s Cranberry/Orange Oatmeal Holiday Cookie Recipe

Yes folks I’ve been experimenting in the kitchen! Exciting! I found the best “treat” recipe for myself. Sometimes you have to just create what you need because you can’t find it out there anywhere. I had tasted similar treats before but could never find a recipe, AND I never quite trusted what ingredients were actually in there. By doing it myself I can know for sure what I’m putting in my body, and with my food allergies, that is a MUST. For me, I cannot have yeasts or baking powder or any corn ingredients. I don’t do bleached white flours or sugars either. So it’s tough.

This recipe is Keto-friendly, low sugar, high fiber and has protein! As I am an amateur I cannot give you exact amounts, but I believe the fiber cancels out all or most of any sugar impact from the coconut sugar in these.

So here is my recipe! I hope it can work for you, too, or you can modify it to make it work for you. Happy Holiday Snacking!

Mimi’s Orange/Cranberry Oatmeal Holiday Cookies

Totally created by Pamela Swyers

 

1 stick butter (melted)

1 ½ teaspoons vanilla

1 6 oz pkg cherry-juice-infused dried cranberries

1 Cup Coconut sugar

6-8 drops orange zest oil (I use essential oil, but can use some fresh orange zest)

½ Cup Swerve Confectioner’s Sweetener (calorie-free sugar-alcohol swtnr)

¼ Cup cooking oil (for me, non-corn)

Several shakes of cinnamon (about a half teaspoon, may adjust to taste)

3 dashes of ground ginger

2 shakes of nutmeg

½ teaspoon baking soda

3-4 pinches of sea salt (about ½ to ¾ teaspoon)

1 ½ Cups of oat flour

2 to 2 ½ Cups of Old-fashioned Whole Grain Oats

Water (1/4 to ½ cup to moisten as needed)

 

Preheat oven to 350 degrees

 

Mix together all ingredients except for flour, baking soda and oats.

In separate bowl, mix flour, baking soda and oats, then combine into the bowl with the other ingredients. If mixture is too dry, add a tiny bit of water at a time until the dough can be formed into balls. Press out into cookie shape on parchment-paper lined cookie sheet or on baking stone.

Bake at 350 for about 12 minutes.

YUM! Guilt-free yummy holiday treats!

(Could add chocolate bits and/or nuts if desired, could up the overall fat or sugar content.)

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Coming Out of Religion, Finding Me (AKA The Art of Deconstruction)

End November Blog: Coming Out of Religion, Finding Me

(AKA The Art of Deconstruction)

11-19-2019

 

I was thinking back on my childhood this morning and realized how un-self-aware I was. For so many years, even into adulthood, I had no real sense of ME, of who I was, what came naturally and what didn’t, all of it. When you looked at me it was as if I was covered in mirror tiles so that you would only see yourself reflected back.

I’ve been called a chameleon because I learned from all of that, to get along with a lot of different kinds of people.

I became a people pleaser, though, and that was not so good.

Over the years from every angle I always felt I was being told who and how to be and it took me way too many years to come to understand that I have intrinsic value, I have my own unique set of gifts, my own personality.

For me, religion played into it with a constant (in my mind-warped) message that I was zero, I was nothing, I should never aspire to be anything other than a reflection of this Christ I was told about. That played right into low self-esteem for me.

Not everyone has such an experience with faith/religion I suppose but having stepped out of that culture I now more clearly see how much it damaged me.

As with all things there was good and bad for me. I learned a lot in a lot of areas but I never found me.

Religion teaches “die to self.” Thoughts of one’s self are selfish, bad, wrong. Self-care is wrong and becoming or at least appearing humble and obedient became gods or idols, things you must do to be accepted in the church.

Scripture about being perfect as God is, was pounded into us weekly.

I died to self, all right, but not in any kind of good or positive way. Yeah, this made me a horrible perfectionist… or maybe a perfect perfectionist.

Growing up as nothing more than a person who wanted to please my parents, my brothers, my friends and then ultimately the church (and as I viewed it, God) was not an easy way to be. Don’t get me wrong, I know how lucky/fortunate/blessed I was to have parents who dearly loved me, and as fallible as they were, tried their very best to raise us right. I got something many people in this world never got… I knew I had parents that loved me (and they still do).

I suppose something I never felt though, and maybe it was just my broken self’s fault, I never got the sense of being good enough. I never got self-esteem (not until I was in my 30s and 40s and it was barely trickling in then. In my 50s I can finally say I have it, in spades.)

This is what I know to be true NOW: (This is me speaking MY truth)

Any God worthy of my devotion would have to want people to be whole, to care for themselves first, so that they have strength to care for others and themselves.

We are not perfect and were never meant to be. I firmly believe that scripture is inherently flawed by nature of it being written and interpreted by flawed humans. I do not, cannot believe in any God that expects me to be perfect. Nope.

I could never believe in a God that doesn’t want the absolute best for me, which includes health, knowing myself and having self-esteem, knowledge of all of my own gifts and talents and not being afraid to use them, for fear of being thought less than humble.

If there is such a God who loves me like this, then he must want me walking in the fullest of all that I was created to be. He doesn’t want mini-me’s. If he created me with a writing talent then he must want me to use that talent to the absolute fullest of my ability, etc.

If he made me funny and sarcastic then, by god, that’s who I am.

I think we’ve done our children a great disservice if all we teach them is absolute and utter obedience. I interpreted that to mean that all others came before me, which meant that any other – may do anything they wanted to me and I had no voice. I wish I’d been taught how to stand up for me and what I, personally, believed in. That I matter, my thoughts matter, my opinions matter, and that I have a voice. I can say NO. I can say “You may come this far and no further.” I know that now but I fought hard and paid a heavy price for this knowledge. Boundaries. They are a powerful, necessary thing. I hope you have them. You’re in for a super hard ride if you don’t.

Over the years of being used, stepped on, discarded, raped, molested, called names, disrespected, well, let’s just say something my parents gave me in my genes combined with something I believe was given to me by my Creator, rose up in me. I began to realize that all that I had been told and taught by the world, religion, the people around me, was not necessarily true. I learned that there are a lot of lies being perpetrated on people disguised as truth. I learned that I, ME, only myself, could dig out truth and what that actually meant to me and for me. (Think of Frodo with the ring, it was ONLY his burden to carry). My life, who I am ultimately, is only my burden to carry.

I studied many religions and found a common thread in most of them, common lessons that were being taught. This to me said that who ever “God” is, He or she or they have been trying for millennia to get certain truths into our hearts and minds. I also truly believe that humans glom onto it and add and take away and distort at every opportunity over the last multiple thousands of years. For their own agendas. There is always an agenda.

So, yes, I believe there are absolute truths, it’s just that my list of those may be different than yours. (Why I call it My truth, because I have fought hard to find it and excavate it out of all the BS we are surrounded by and by everyone else’s versions of truth.)

There are things I bought into 20 years ago that I just do not and cannot believe anymore because my own life and experiences (and I believe, my Creator) have taught me to know better. Others don’t accept that. Bully for them. Be blessed and go find your own truth. Just please, make sure it IS your own truth and not a line of bull you’ve been sold just because it’s popular and widely perceived as truth.

All good things in life, all truth is hard won. If it came to you in a hand- me -down package, it isn’t yours. Find your own. Do the work for yourself.

If, at this stage of my life, I have any message to share with the world, it is this, these words written in this blog post.

You are worthy. I am worthy. We were each created unique and fabulous in our own way. Stop trying to be a carbon copy of anyone. Stop trying to please everyone or really, anyone (except maybe your boss at work, because, ugh, life.)

Whatever you’re given to do, do it with all of your might. Be the kind of person that can hold your head high because you know and love yourself and can choose for YOU who you are meant to be. (Hint: if you have a natural talent for something, that’s part of who you were meant to be! Find those things and fan those flames.)

If you find that you’ve poked your head up out of the forest and you’ve been chopping down the wrong trees, heading in the wrong direction, it is NEVER too late to change course.

Truth is, love yourself.

Truth is, love your neighbor, even when they don’t look or act like you.

Truth is, NEVER give your power away to an organization, religion, or political affiliation and allow them to do your thinking for you or replace your own conscience. Truth is dug out, never ever adopted.

And so, this is my story and this is my song. This is my message to the world.

We are created to love and care for one another. And if you can’t do that, don’t do any harm to anyone. (If I have a religion, this is it.)

I don’t share because I need you to like me. I share because I WANT you to understand me IF you choose to be in my life.

Be free, friends. Find Truth. Live your best life NOW.

(I’ve started a Facebook Group called The Art of Deconstructing for anyone who has left or is leaving organized religion. If this is you, look it up and join!)

Pammy

 

 

 

 

 

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Welcome Friends!

Journaled Lady: Intimacy

Welcome if you’re new here, if not, welcome back!

I’ve been slack in updating and blogging since the move to Florida. I came here sick with bronchitis, it got worse, and long story shorter, it took me quite a while to get back on top, so to speak. I’m feeling great now though, and really enjoying my Art Journaling classes I began to take last December.

Art Journaling has been such a THING for me, it has changed my life. I’ve learned a ton about how to draw, I’ve come a good way in finding my own unique style, and it is a fabulous way to process emotion. I’ve always found doing my abstract art and paintings to be therapeutic, but journaling has taken it to the next level and has helped combine both of my artistic loves together; writing and painting. In journaling I use pencil, colored pencils, markers, acrylic paints, watercolors, pastels, and just any and every medium.

I’ve even started my own YouTube channel (Pam Swyers is the name of it), and I am beginning to share some of what I’m doing in order to encourage others to grab a pencil and paper (start with the basics!) and dive in. You will not regret it. Having done some traditional therapy, I found going from that to the art journaling to be quite a natural segue and helped me transition into working out my emotions on the page or canvas. My focus is very much Art as Therapy for beginners (because there are many out there doing so many amazing things in this area and I’m still relatively new at it!) but I’ve had friends ask me about it so I found that doing videos is a much easier way to SHOW someone what I’m doing, rather than just trying to TELL them about it.

If you are at all intrigued, give the YouTube channel a look-see. There is not a ton of content up yet, but working on it weekly to add more.

So this is a big thing for me these days, as well as trying to get plugged in to our new community, make local friendships, and go out into beautiful Central Florida and just ENJOY being here.

I’m so happy to be feeling good, out walking in the park again, and back to living my BEST life right now.

Have emotions to process?? Join me! We all do!! Have a great FALL my amazing friends!!

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Settling In

Blog post Mid-September 2019

 

I’ve been a bit “unsettled” since we moved here last November. One of the main reasons we moved was because I wanted to get somewhere my health would be better. Not sure to what degree Florida has helped my physical health (I do think my RA is doing quite well here but, apparently, they have dust and ragweed in abundance here, too,) But I am in remission and I have fallen in love with this area. Most months the temps are mild or moderate though the heat can get wicked in the summer, just like any other place I’ve lived, then add in the humidity at 100 % nearly throughout the summer and hurricane seasons, and I can’t say it’s perfection, but dang it is sure one of the best/prettiest places I’ve ever lived. I always wanted to get near the ocean and now we are six or seven miles from the Atlantic and a fantastic local beach that (off-season) is not crowded at all and during the season still beats PCB and Daytona for lack of traffic and crowds. The people here take care of the beach and all of us pick up trash, watch out for sea turtles, and the like. It’s a friendly little town, though overall way more conservative than I am these days. They are doing something right, though.

When we moved here, I’d already been sick for a solid 18 months or so I think. I’d get repeated ear infections and sinus infections and it had reached critical mass and the infections had spread to my lungs. I’d been coughing for all of that time and nobody seemed to know what to do. They gave me antibiotics about every 6 weeks and threw in steroids occasionally and this was constant.

It is now close to a year later and I can FINALLY say I am back to normal, whatever that means. Still take Zyrtec every day and occasionally use nasal sprays or Sudafed, but no cough for the last month or so, not enough to make note of.

Several months ago, the doctor told me, “We can’t keep giving you steroids and antibiotics” and I’m saying “Duh, so what’s next?” and the only thing anybody knew to try was allergy testing. I resisted for months because I’ve done it twice before in my life, but I finally relented in August. I’m on shots now as well as a strict food allergy diet. I thought I was eating healthy already, but if you’re allergic to it, it isn’t healthy, and I just didn’t know what I was allergic to. Any time I’d try cutting out just one thing, (because there were so many things) I’d just keep on itching and coughing and rashing. Extraordinarily frustrating. I’ve certainly learned just how toxic and messed up our world and our food supply is these days.

Also, the med I was taking for RA, though it made me pain-free in every way (like even normal aches and pains and back pain left me) but it was destroying my immune system. In May I began taking transfer factors and I believe they’ve had a profound effect on my recovery. (Will probably take forever… they keep me infection free!)

But in the midst of alllll this taking place, it was very hard to be excited about our new home. I kept thinking in the back of my mind that it wouldn’t work out and we’d have to move again and What if there is no place on earth I could thrive and be healthy again? Hello plastic bubble living!

So now I’m feeling so much better and it’s been so long since I woke up in the morning and actually got out of bed and had energy and vitality to do things, to make my bed and make a list and Do The Things. I hadn’t been doing much art, a bit here and there, but not a whole lot. We have limited space here so it would often involve dragging out a fold out table and tons of supplies and then cleaning them up after, which is fine, but I often just didn’t feel like messing with all of that.

Fast forward to NOW and I am full of energy and want to do more with my art, so hubs says we can sell a queen bed in one of the guest rooms and get a day bed and make that room my art room and I’m like “Yeeeaaasss!” I am so ready to have a dedicated space, an office or studio, to go to each day and WORK!!! I’ve just not felt like doing anything for so long that I now have pent up energy and I’m raring to go. Going to start walking outside at least 3 or 4 days a week again which I have sorely missed. It’s been too hot, but this will soon change as we enter my favorite time of year (here or anywhere), glorious fall. The temps will drop a bit and sweater weather will come and be perfect for outdoor walking. Rainy season/hurricane season will be gone and I will be ACTIVE again.

We just had our kitchen cabinets painted. I don’t like to brag but I am systematically transforming this house into a gorgeous home. It already doesn’t resemble AT ALL what it looked like when we bought it. We always have projects lined up and we are chipping away at them. We changed our pool into a saltwater pool and replaced pumps and filters and such, nearly all the inside of the house is done painting now… I am definitely a decorator/designer, it is something I greatly enjoy.

And now I get to transform a guest room into an art studio!!! Man am I looking forward to that project.

All in all, life is looking up. It’s still moving at the speed of sound and I wish I could hit the rewind. I miss my kids /family.  It is the biggest downside to living here, but they are grown and have their own lives and schedules. I see them when we can make it happen. Hubs and I talked and decided we need to make the house work for US for the 335 days a year we don’t have company and then adjust when company comes. I am so stoked to get going. Gotta go Google Wayfair now, and some art pieces are drying waiting for the next layer.

I think I’m actually, finally settling in… for real.

😊

 

 

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My Thoughts Today June 21, 2019

Had a great idea today, got it from watching NCIS. I’m thinking of doing a Dead President’s Journal. Let me explain:

It’s not really anything to do with whichever dead president you choose to write to, it’s about writing a letter to someone who will never get it, never read it, in fact you’ll never send it anywhere. It’s your journal, your diary. Sort of like having a dead Pen Pal. Writing TO someone appeals to me. I feel like I might write differently. Yet this person I can really dump on and they won’t mind. Yeah, I think I’m gonna do this.

My nails are too long and it’s making it hard to type. Time to trim.

I am sooo enjoying my art journaling class and love my teacher (and the guest teachers, too). I feel like it’s taking me to the next level in my art journey and this thrills me to no end. I may be finding my own style, my own groove, and damn, that’s a happy place.

I’ve been taking an all-natural immune system booster thingy that seems to be working well for me. I finally think I see a light at the end of the tunnel and may be getting my health back. I have no idea what to do with all the energy I will have if this continues to work well (see all my rants about having sinus infections and a cough for 17 months straight and the docs, 5 of them, saying, “We can’t give you any more steroids and antibiotics for this,” and I’m like Oh Crap), like, I actually convinced hubs to move out of state to see if it would fix my health and it is a bit better with that alone, but mostly I was still struggling, so this health thing is HUGE for me, I cannot even tell you. I may finally be able to take over the world… or at least handle my own.

As for deep spiritual and philosophical stuff, I can only say I continue on my journey, and find more truths daily. The thing I have also found is that, if you have an epiphany or find some nugget of truth, it doesn’t pay to try to share that with anyone who simply cannot be there at the same time with you. Some things really are best unsaid, unless or until you find the gems in your life who get it and can genuinely hear what you’re saying and even kinda understand it. Or, even if they don’t get IT, they kinda get You, and that alone is truly special. Love my gold nuggets, my fam and friends. My art and literary tribes have become super special to me. Artsy people tend to be a different sort; quirky, swirly, different, weird, twirly, crunchy, and wonderful. They are my truest peeps.

I see God weekly at the beach. Sitting and watching the pale whitish crabs pop up outta the sand and toss aside the dirt they just dug out, then look at me and blink their odd little eyes (that sit atop sticks outta their heads) entertains and thrills me like mad. The pelicans that live and play in our area are also quite entertaining. I love how they fly in formation, and if one falls behind, they will come back for him. I really love when they fly super high, then dive straight down into the water to catch a fish.

There are so may lessons in nature, and they don’t involve pulpits or country clubs. The crabs, the pelicans, they just live their lives. They ARE who they are, they just BE. They do what they were made to do.

(MS Word keeps telling me I ought not say “outta” and such things, but hey, this isn’t for a book, it’s just between us friends, so I’m gonna take off my “editor” cap and let it flow.)

Maybe the biggest/bestest thing I’ve learned in the past decade, is that I do not have to care a whit about what others think of me. I can just BE. Be me, just like the crabs and pelicans. Ya think the pelicans go up to the crabs and ask why they behave the way they do? I think not. Live and let live. You be you and I’ll be me. So liberating, so powerful. And to think I used to think it was some duty of mine to go out and change everyone else so that I might understand them better. It is to laugh.

So much of who and what we are is handed down to us, it’s learned behavior, tradition, family patterns, whatever. It’s so powerful to finally look at all of that objectively, to choose what fits me and discard the rest. Forty, or even ten years ago, I could never have imagined being able to do such a thing.

And so, I come back to this… I am good. That means I am well and happy. I have moments of pure joy, times of sadness or despair, aggravation, even depression at times, but all in all, it is truly well with my soul. Because I finally found ME. I now know who I am. And I love me. And that’s pretty all right.

 

 

 

 

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Witness

I’ve felt at times like a small child, carrying a bundled napkin in my hands, holding it out in front of me
and inside that napkin is my stuff, my trauma
and I’m walking the world looking
seeking for someone strong and true
to open and view what’s inside the napkin
and not tell me I’m crazy
or a drama queen
or looking for attention
or that it was my fault
or that I need to get over it
or just to bury it deep inside my pocket
and never take it out again
I’m looking for witness
I’m looking to be heard
Pam Swyers–copyright 2019
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Battle Weary but Bad-Ass

I feel like I’m fighting so many battles. I guess I’ll become a real bad-ass or I’ll die, and sometimes I wonder which! No, that isn’t depression talking, just pure old-fashioned frustration.
I’m not going to post about the immune booster anymore, just because I think I’m going to be on it long-term and don’t want to keep posting every day. Meanwhile if anyone wants to be added to a discussion group about it let me know, and I will post how I’m feeling occasionally as well.
I’m tired. In every way possible. Gonna need to rest/nap today.
Ya know I grew up not learning anything at all about how to confront. I didn’t know how to set boundaries. I had and have a deeeeeep inner world but half the people I went to school with probably don’t even remember me. That was intentional, somewhat.
Being an empath and very sensitive, It didn’t take much bullying or stupid mess coming my way before I would take that into me, take it personally. I didn’t realize back then that when people lash out and hurt you for no reason other than to make you feel small and pump up themselves, it is their issue and not mine. They were the broken ones, but I felt like I was.
If I could go back there’d be some people getting throat-punched, I’m not gonna lie.
But I’m a big-girl now. I’ve worked so hard for every inch, every ounce of growth, and every step of the way has been a battle, every damned step. I finally know who and what I am. I know my worth. I have boundaries, very firm ones in place. I now know that if someone comes along and takes a dump on my day for no reason, that it is their fault not mine. (Especially completely unprovoked.)
I can’t help but feel that twinge, when it happens, that knee-jerk reaction of hurt. Not sure how human I’d be if I didn’t. Now I know things in my head, –and my heart?  Well, it’s learning, it’s catching up. When someone blasts me it is easier for me to get past that hurt and see the reality of the situation, see what’s really happening. Boundaries and shields up. I’m becoming that bad-ass.
It’s a sad truth that we must gird ourselves, that we have to learn how to brace for the next incoming blow. But I think it’s tied to why we are here. Somehow growing and getting stronger is what we’re meant to do.
I’ve never been a physical bad-ass. But inside I’m becoming Wonder Woman. I wish I had her cool toys, though.
Peace.
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I Reject That (Plus Big Love)

Hello! (Blog May 18, 2019 on love, healing, our lenses, etc) AKA “I Reject That”

 

So today hubs and I were having another of our many discussions on political mess, hot points, how people view the world, and oh-so-many things. I’ve had a big blog brewing inside of me this week. So here goes.

We were discussing big government versus small (we do this a lot), and also the Republican vs the Democratic views on each, and let me tell you about the drum I’ve been banging for some time now.

We’ve been taught very efficiently for generations now, and in one way or another, always, HOW to view the world. We’ve been asked to choose our boxes (lenses through which we see the world & ways in which we define ourselves and label others). Few tend to realize this or think about it overly much, we plod on in our daily lives, trying to get by, be happy, raise kids, etc. Who has time for deep thinking or getting a new perspective? Sometimes there is a benefit in being forced into seasons of stillness. You get to think of things in a broader way, look at the big picture (everyone on planet earth) rather than just your little cocooned world.

We were discussing how homeless people are reviled; the “get a job, you loser” mindset vs the person who buys a homeless person a meal, that kinda thing. I’ve been told by people closest to me never to give people money. I reject that. I am a wise, old, smart woman nowadays. I have some discernment. I don’t go around throwing money at everyone I see, but I do follow the spirit and soul inside me that often prompts me to do something when I see a need. Sometimes that’s reaching into my wallet and giving someone $20 and sometimes it is silent prayers or kind thoughts, and sometimes I just don’t know what to do, but listen, I have empathy. I know that, as the Christians say, “There but for the grace of God go I.” (That gets conveniently thrown out at times.)

I know that we are a handful of paychecks from being homeless ourselves. We all are– (unless you happen to have 6 or 7 figures in a savings account, and if you do, good for you, but help others with your money)– so very close to being in trouble. Illness, job loss, any number of things can and do happen. Many churches teach the “they’ll just spend it on booze and drugs” mindset. I reject that. You don’t know that. I don’t know that. Nobody but their higher power knows what they’ll do with the $20 I give them, and I’ll go further and say, I don’t even care. Once I’ve made up my mind that I’m supposed to help someone, it’s my job ONLY to follow that prompting. What they do with it is up to them. They’ll no longer be able to piss and moan that they are hungry cuz they had their chance. But we are taught “Do as I tell You” by people and organizations and not taught to follow your soul and spirit promptings and intuition and heart.

Republican and often Christian or conservative lens or mindset: You deserve the life you have, you didn’t work hard enough, you’re a druggie and a conman. (Talk about judgey! Who died and made you a demi-god?)

Democratic/liberal/hippie mindset often: ( I am pigeon-holing here to prove a point) Oh my! What happened? How are you? Tell me your story. Can I buy you some food or take you to a shelter?

I know there is crossover here, because, exactly my point, we ought not be defined by labels and boxes and allow ourselves to be lumped in like this. But MOST times, each of us will gravitate toward one way of thinking or another.) Why? We’re taught to. Absolutely. All of the people in my scenario here are basically good people and they are convinced they are right. Loving people, people who have kids and don’t even abuse them. Good hearts. But if they don’t fit in our “box” or labeled group that we identify with, we call them evil. If you’re not like me you’re evil.

I reject that.

I refuse to be a Republican or a Democrat but I will be a loving human.

I do come from a very unique perspective, in that—I grew up in a conservative Republican home with parents who, at that time, were not Christians, but we kids jokingly called them Ozzie and Harriet. Good, good people, still are. But they, like everyone, had signed up to a box or lens, to a group that told them, “You don’t have to think for yourself, I got this. I’ll tell you what to think, I’ll skew your thinking, I’ll manipulate you in any way I can to make you believe this Republican agenda is the way and the only way.” And this goes for cults, often churches (don’t stone me) and other organizations as well, of course. Be a sheep, not a leader and do not think things through for yourself.

I had opportunity to expand my thinking and I took it. I journeyed. I fought through a very difficult path (& not just some physically devastating things) but I did the inner work.

Now, hold on, stay with me.

I am not calling all Republicans stupid, though I hear people do that every day. It hurts me. Don’t lump people together and judge them when you do NOT know their life, what they were taught to believe was good and right, and especially before the internet age when our worlds blew up and expanded and we had access to tons more information. My parents, and many still today, were/are cocooned in their box, (& this is my perspective but oh how I love and respect them for many reasons). They’re taught not to go outside that box and read anything or watch anything or believe anything because that threatens their agenda. After all, if people were to begin to believe that all people of every race and political affiliation and religious background and affiliation were good, kind people, (mostly, ‘cept for the ones that do evil for whatever reason), what would that do?? Utter chaos! Dogs and cats living together! Nobody’s agendas are being pushed ahead and people are left to think for and decide for themselves what to believe (in every aspect). Whatever shall we do???

Just please give that a moment and let that sink in. Re-read if necessary, I’m having a drink of water.

Now, to address those specifically who have very strong faith beliefs, such as Christianity, but including all religions and faiths.

You believe how you did because someone you trusted did, and shared it with you. They helped you get some healing revelation and you cried, they cried, Jesus wept, and then you went on to join up with said religion. I’m cool with that because 1) been there, done that, and 2) I believe in REAL freedom of religion. (Which should make me a good American Patriot, if people believed what was written, etc., but I digress.)

(disclaimer; your religious rights cease where they cross the line of someone else’s freedom or safety.)

(If you’re my child reading this, it may have been me that taught you what to believe and took you to church!)

It’s all Learned. All of this is learned Input into all that is you. And whomever taught you what they taught you, they did it with a good motive and heart, I truly believe this, except in extreme cult-like situations, evil people, drunk abusers, etc.

But here is where I reside.

I came out of traditional, fundamental and evangelical Christianity because I had what one might call an awakening FOR ME, and a super big change that happened in my heart and life. It began by looking at people and the world as a whole and not just looking at people in my narrow world. To put it in terms everyone might understand, and this has been extraordinarily difficult to share with people in such a way that they can understand, but I still try sometimes—my heart exploded. My Creator gave me Big Love. (Yeah, sounds hippified, doesn’t it??)

There has always been a hippie non-conformist inside of me. In church I was told I had to subjugate that spirit, stop being a rebel, stop thinking for myself or of myself. I came to realize that everything I have been through in my life led me to that moment, the moment I realized that I am exactly and precisely who my creator made me to be, and that’s okay. I’m okay. I’m truly worthy. I’m good. (Didn’t get that from church teachings.)

For me anyway, church became a place that I saw as–good genuine people, for the most part, that taught me their biblical teachings that they tried in vain to make me accept and understand. But there was always a still small voice (which I now believe to be the voice of my creator) calling me out and away.

As all of this began to happen around 2009, well, you can only imagine the backlash. I’d been a traditional Christian for many, many years. I had raised my children Christian. I’d volunteered and been on staff at church, I had a ton to lose. I began to lose it.

I started seeking truth outside of the belief in the literal interpretations of scripture because, that nagging voice… I’d read things like the story in Genesis where the band of robbers and thieves snuck into a guy’s home one night and began to rape and pillage, and one of the bad guys tried to rape the man’s son (yes man on man rape) and the man responded by saying “Here, please, take my young daughter instead.” This is one of many, many areas in the bible where I began to have trouble. (Anyone thinking of the legislation now and also the dudes that just recently got let off for rape? Proven rape? And one was the rape of his own daughter, and one was in ministry.) Give that some meditative thought and consideration. Pray on that one.

Anyway, our society from the beginning of time has been patriarchal. And maybe that wouldn’t be so bad IF there were not such abuse, if men really cared and loved and cherished and if they protected their women and daughters and did not treat women like second-class (or lower) people, like possessions to be tossed about and used like a tissue and thrown away.

I just had a discussion a couple days ago where we talking about how—every woman has experienced misogyny, you can’t get away from it, it’s so pervasive. Just based on my own personal knowledge of other women alone, I’d give you the statistics that at least 9 out of 10 women, if they told the truth, have been groped, assaulted, demeaned sexually, raped or something of the kind. Men rape their wives and get away with it. Women are so beaten down that they cannot muster up the strength to leave their abusers who threaten to kill them. I don’t need to go on, you know.

I have found the church, particularly in retrospect, to have been a tool in many ways to keep women down. They are still allowed only certain positions in most churches (if any leadership position at all) and are quoted scripture to back it up. Which is a crying shame because many women have so much to offer in these areas.

“Tradition! It’s always been this way! The scriptures say…” Yeah this was put into place with a very real fleshy manly agenda, I guarantee you.

I got to a place where I simply could not be a part of it any more. Not just the women thing, but I cannot accept scripture as 100% literal and applicable in every and all circumstance to my life in 2019. It does not make any sense in many ways and places, and I do believe people sometimes feel this deep down inside of them but have too much to lose to stand up and say it. Learned behavior. Tradition. It has always been this way….

I reject that.

I believe the bible to have tons of good stuff but also lots of history and culture and allegory. Recently Pat Robertson—whom I would never hold out as an authority but still—recently came out and said Christians had to accept scientific fact when it’s presented to them and that the earth was much, much older than first believed. He was practically stoned for it.

I just can’t, my Christian friends and family, I cannot go blindly along anymore. Many of you have heard at least parts of my journey and such before. I had not intended for this to turn into apologetics for my current belief system, at least not entirely, but I guess I must include it when I talk about what I have learned and now believe. For those of you have been wondering (from my old life) but did not know fully what was going on with me, I can only say I love you but walk away from me if you must. I must go my way, led only by my creator, spirit, and intuition. And yeah maybe even some Jesus, Rumi, Jeff Brown, Brene’ Brown and many other writers and teachers I enjoy.

I am at an age where (when I face illnesses and such) I must think about my mortality and I think about who I want to be, what I want to give to the world, what do I want people to know about me, what legacy do I want to leave behind? Love, authenticity, transparency. (Some art and writings, too!!)

Big Love

I spoke before of an awakening, a breaking open of my heart… yes. I was given a love like I have never ever known. If I’m given it, as with any gift, I must use it. I have a love for people that is all-encompassing and worldwide. It does not discern between races, religions or political affiliations (though some of y’all test me sometimes!) LOL! I just mean with the ugliness, name-calling, etc. When you have Big Love (cuz I don’t know what else to call it) it is hard to watch others tearing each other apart that do not have it.

Compassion, empathy. They’re real, people, get to know them.

It broke me, it was that kinda love… then it set me free. No masks, no boxes, I’m just me all the time to everyone. Never experienced this kind of thing before, not like this, and didn’t see much of this kinda love in church, it’s sad to say.

And, of course also, through my journey I’ve learned so many other things, not the least of which is to have strong boundaries. And that I am not filthy, wasn’t born that way, don’t need anything else to save me but my Big Love.

I feel like the whole world is telling me continually to stay in my box, all of us to stay in our boxes. You must choose Republican or Democrat, straight or gay, Choice or Life, black or white, Catholic or Protestant or whatever…

I whole-heartedly reject that.

I’ll go the way of other amazing peace-makers (MLK, Maya Angelou and so, so many others) and walk my solitary path, knowing what I know. Loving how I love.

And at the risk of sounding cheesy, I really and truly do have big squishy, hippie all-encompassing love for you, each of you. And no matter what lens you choose to look through, I sincerely hope and pray it is a lens of Big Love.

Peace Out!

 

 

(PS: Obvs – as long as this is, it is still only a small part of my journey to find me. I will keep on sharing here and there and ask me anything. Cuz that’s what I do.)

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Things I Know (volume 4365)

 

As of today, May 3, 2019, these are conclusions I’ve come to.

 

  • The secret to life, the universe and everything is not just 42 (ask me if you don’t understand this reference) but is also CONNECTION.
    • I’ve come to realize that the only way to have peace on small levels (in the home) or large (on the world’s stage) is to find true loving connection with other humans. To be so well and confident in one’s self that you can truly relate, without baggage, to others, in a kind, loving, respectful manner. And then to take that love to its fullest level—unconditional and ever-lasting. This is so rare and I believe it is the one thing we are all continually searching for. We are all usually so messed up and broken that we find it hard to relate in a healthy manner to others. And if we manage to get ourselves well, it’s tough to find someone else that is well enough to receive such a love.
  • Although I’m still not sure about fate and destiny, I tend NOT to believe in it, but even so, I have found that, in looking back over my life, there are some truly amazing things that have come out of some tragic things, and I don’t know if this means that bad, sucky things are meant to be or that the universe loves redemption and bringing something good out of something bad. (This is a repetitive theme.) I DO NOT believe that bad, tragic things are God’s will.
  • Call it Karma or the law of sowing and reaping, but I have observed that hard work and perseverance pays off, almost every single time. I’ve yet to see every bad guy get their come-uppance, but I’d like to believe that happens, too. (But each of us is a “bad guy” in some way in someone else’s story… so I ought not wish harm on the bad guy. I’ll leave that to the Higher Power.)
  • I’ve been on a spiritual journey since age 7 when I found an old hymnal and would sing songs, making up my own tunes, to go with the words, many of which I did not understand. Many of which I still do not understand. But it drew me, the idea that there was a benevolent God who loved and cared for me. And so it all began.

 

I was a part of very right-wing evangelical fundamentalist theology for many years and have since “searched” my way out of that into a different place… after many years of study, research and struggle, I have “landed” in a place where I KNOW very little but, because of many of my experiences, I tend to believe in an Intelligent Creator, though that no longer looks the way it did. I have found many American traditional religions to be restrictive, manipulative, and cause people to have zero sense of themselves or a necessary self-love. Somehow many religions are very good at making people feel small and worthless and keeping them in line, telling them exactly how to believe and who to be. Now, I know many people would argue they didn’t get that message, but I did. I learned a lot in churches, I learned a ton of leadership skills, found a sense of community, and saw people love on each other, so I’m not saying it’s all bad or wrong. To each his/her own. But I likely will never be a part of an organized religion again. For me, breaking away has been liberating and has taught me to find healing, therapy, and help to get WELL and get my head on straight. It’s what it took for me, but no judgments. Again, to each his/her own. Do what works for you.

 

I don’t judge any religion harshly (except for any extremists that would advocate killing or hating others).

 

I KNOW very little these days, but I do know that restrictive religions are not for me. I will decide how to chase my God and live my life. I will never hand that power over to anyone or any organization again.

 

I believe all religions have humans and therefore have agendas that are not at all god-like. But that’s just me.

  • I know that I am ready and open for real, authentic and loving connections. I know I will meet the right people at the right time. I seek to have these kinds of relationships with my family first and then outward from there.
  • There is no friend like a friend who will sit and listen to you ramble and struggle, without judgment, who will sit with you in the dark places. I will call out my friend Laura as one who—though we disagree on some things theologically—will and has been there for me through many rough times. What a gem. I need more of that, and I wish it for you, too.
  • I know that I have dropped all of my masks. I think most people go through much or all of their lives (unintentionally) putting on different hats or masks for different people in their lives—spouse one, church one, family one, friends one…etc., but I no longer do that. I’ve always been a very “for real” person and I think I’ve brought that to its fullest extent by dropping all masks. I will be the same ME to anyone I relate to. If anyone doesn’t like it, that’s on them. It’s been such a powerful and empowering thing for me. I no longer live to please others, that’s not what I’m called to do, I don’t think anyone is. But I will always care about my family and hope they love me as I am. (Family includes those close inner-circle friends.)
  • If you don’t have your health (mental, emotional, spiritual, physical) you have nothing.

 

Two pages, and I’m spent for now. Until the next installment…. Who knows what I’ll have learned by then??? Love to you.

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Ode to the Atlantic Ocean and Beaches

 

(Flagler Beach, Old Salt, and the Hammock beaches up and down the coast)

 

As I come over the bridge, I see you there, on the horizon.

You are the horizon, and already my excitement builds.

I say out loud, “There you are, ocean, my ocean.”

It’s a tradition and something I can’t make myself stop saying.

 

We pile our chairs and water out and take them to the sand.

As soon as my feet touch the damp heat of it, I know I’m almost there,

like the front yard of the house I grew up in.

I’m almost home.

 

We park our things, settle in,

then immediately must go down to the shore.

My eyes automatically scan the plethora of things

beneath my feet on the way down.

 

I’m looking out for crabs and other living creatures,

making sure I don’t cut my foot on a broken bit of shell.

Occasionally, I stop and pick up a shell, ask myself if it is worthy

of washing off and taking home to add to my ever-expanding collection.

I have so many that I have to be pickier about what I take home,

lest they take over my living room entirely.

 

My eyes look up and see the crashing wave coming towards me, as if to say, “Hello, again! It’s you! Where’ve you been?” And I mentally answer back, “I’m here every week. I always come back. It’s so lovely to see you, my friend… my ocean.”

Hubs and I lock eyes and smile. We know we are truly home now.

The next hour or more is spent walking the edge along surf and sand, periodically stopping to admire something, watch a surfer or para-sailor, going back to sit and grab a sip of water.

He says how we’re on vacation, he says it every week. It’s tradition. I answer back, “Yup.”

But we live here now, nearby, not too far, just over the big bridge.

I can’t really explain the draw, the love, the longing, the belonging I feel here. Perhaps I lived or died here in some previous form of existence. All I know is that it feels like home.

I’m finally home.