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How Did I Get Here? (Surprised by where I’ve ended up.)

If any of you have followed me or are a part of my circle of friends or family, this may mean more to you than others reading, but it may speak to someone else. I feel like I gotta give a quick recap, maybe let’s bullet point this.

*Was a Christian leader for like 20 plus years, full on into Christianty

*Became hurt and disillusioned when I realized some of the bizarre nonsense attached to boxed religion, could no longer connect the dots, I was called to–told to just throw it all out and start from the very beginning on my spiritual seeking journey–and did so. Left the church, gave up entirely on organized religion, and even for a while kind of gave up on the idea of having any kind of spiritual walk. Baby was out with the bathwater, I started from point ONE, from nothing. I began a 13 to 14 year journey to find myself, heal myself and then finally, FINALLY came around over the last year or so, to seeking heavily into my soul and spirituality once again, but it was so different this time. I knew ME. I was healed of the biggest issue I had in my life and could finally be open enough and healed enough to go back to a spiritual openness and seeking.

*Boom. In these last 6 months to a year I have had what a lot of people are having, and some for the very first time in their lives (for me it was not new but more of a continuation of my spiritual journey), talking about a spiritual awakening. The biggest one I have ever experienced, and I have been wrestling with God/Source/Spirituality since I was five and I am 59 today.

Those who have known me forever and have likely prayed for me incessantly will be thrilled (well maybe, as I still don’t consider my “faith” to be traditional, certainly my path has been anything but.) But I know my spiritual friends (of any or every faith) will be happy to know that my spirit and soul is alive and well and going through many, many changes.

I watch a ton of podcasts (again, not traditional, more Eastern or just spiritual awakening and awareness and consciousness kind of stuff) and I was hearing someone talk about the various stages or things one will go through in a spiritual awakening and I had to admit, surrender, confess that I am smack in the middle of an awakening. It is powerful, too. HOW did I get here????? Shifts. Another shift. And I hear people calling the collective shift we are experiencing “the Great Shift” so I know I am not alone in this. Millions of people, awakening.

For most of these last 12 years or so, I have been so against anything “religious” or programmatic, or “boxed.” I hate dogma and man-made doctrines and rules and those places where I have known from deep within that things were so messed up in the church. I have turned so far away from that, that I truly did not think I was even capable of any kind of real Faith or Spiritual life, because I had to go through years of purging myself of what I had been taught that was false. My view of God had been so skewed, and my deepest spirit and soul knew it, and it took me on this grand journey and adventure.

I’m so excited to see what Source does next, and I am continuing my journey, opening up my soul to new and greater spiritual gifts. I’ve let go of “what others think” so the sky is the limit on what is to come. My learning and growth journey continues…

 

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TOWOIT part 2 book excerpt (and my belief systems are in here)

The Only Way Out is Through–Part Two

(Profoundly Human)

 

Author’s Note:

Almost as soon as I put TOWOIT up for sale, (the first memoire), I knew I had more to say and that I would want to document what happened next—AFTER the healing, AFTER the release and letting go. This book is part of my continuing story documenting my continuing life. I hope it resonates with some, encourages others. ((This is a raw unedited version that will no doubt change before publishing))

December 2022. I put the book up for sale and that very day began a release and a continuation of my healing journey.

As you know if you know anything about me, I document my life. I do this in various ways as the spirit moves. I began doing YouTube videos, which at the time of this writing, have not caught on well, but I will let the universe guide me on whether or not to continue. I’m a gal with a lot to say.

I blog, I fill numerous journals a year, I pontificate on Facebook and am tolerated well by most, if not all. If they don’t get me, they leave, and that is as it should be.

When we were little, I made my brother cry once because we were on a road trip and I wouldn’t stop talking. “Mama, please make her stop!” my brother cried as my parents tried not to laugh out loud.

Intense. Tightly wound. A lot. (Some of you can relate.) And of course, we say, “If I’m too much, go find someone who is less.”

I wish that everyone like this, those of us who are “a lot” could have at least one person who loves and adores us just as we are. I would allow my grown kids to speak for themselves on whether they would say they are that for me—I am certainly that for them. I know they love me. But my ONE biggest supporter has always been my husband. He is the rarest of all rare gems. I truly believe at times that he is an angel sent to be with me on this journey because my creator knew I would never thrive without ONE. I could never be who I am or do what I do.

If you are one that has been called any of the above things, please know you are not alone. There are many of us here on planet earth who feel we don’t belong. We are not at home here. We don’t have a friend tribe like they always do on those TV shows. Sadly, many take their own lives or fall into massive depression (been there) as they try to cope and understand this shit-show they have been dropped into. But I get ahead of myself a little.

After the healing began, after the book was published, I did of course continue my Seeker journey. In fact, I felt as though I was released to now go out and explore my spiritual life way more and in a larger way than I had done before—over the last 12-14 years, because I had set aside or dealt with the largest wound I needed to heal, the biggest thing that had been holding me back for so many years. Finally, with a huge sigh of relief, I knew I could move forward.

One thing I will drop into your hands immediately is that I have come to believe more of an Eastern mindset or faith system than a Western Judeo-Christian mindset or belief. Though there is a lot of crossover (things I do believe that Western Christianity believes.) I still haven’t and won’t “pick a religion” as we seem to be forced into doing, by controlling mankind. For those who need to label me, call me a Seeker—it seems to work best.

One thing I have really come to believe on a Zoomed Out level (perspective) is that we are all (all of humanity) seeking the same thing—God/Source/Truth. We all want to know where we came from, Who or What made us, How we got here, ya know, just the basics. (The BIG basics.) Those questions we all ask in our lives. Why are we even here?

I once had a totally Judeo-Christian understanding or thought that has now, after much reading, research, seeking—CHANGED totally. I will endeavor to explain some of that or at least show you how and what I believe to be true as I see it, throughout these pages. It will ooze into and out of all that I say. Think Eastern though, more than Western, (some of you know what that means contextually.)

As has become apparent, I did not find healing and wholeness in the standard American Christian experience. For several years, I found friendship, hope, a way of life, community, a place that helped me grow a bit and gave me the “launching pad” from which I could try to help others or be of service. But, as stated in the previous book, I had a large tumor-like wound inside me that nobody even touched, nor did I feel at liberty to discuss it in the church. Or to discuss it in our society, for my whole life. Those who have been through similar trauma know what I mean. It isn’t talked about—we stuff it down, we don’t air our private dirty laundry, we don’t fling open the doors to our closets and let our skeletons come screaming out. But it is the way. It is the ONLY WAY. The ONLY way out is through. We have to let it come to the surface, shine light on the darkness and allow the long arduous healing process to begin.

I study (heavily these days) psychology and one thing that is trendy these days with CBT (Cognitive Behavioral Therapy) and some of the other popular current therapy methods is that—they don’t really want to talk about your trauma anymore like they did 20 or 40 years ago. They actually don’t want to talk about it any more than is necessary to understand you and what happened to you. It’s not the way the modern-day therapist works (and I am generalizing here). They want to grab you where you are and help propel you into a more functional human being, ever-forward, never looking back. Or rarely looking back.

The issue I have with these methods is that, without ever truly facing what happened to you, at least for me, there was and could be NO healing. I had to dig it out, process it, look at it, FEEL it, and then learn how to let it go. (They are way better at helping you let it go.) So, in my opinion, it is valuable for a person seeking today’s brand of therapy, to already have come to terms with your trauma before you ever get to their couch. How does one do that? This is the $4,000 question. I can only share some of the ways I did it. I am not a psychologist or psychiatrist, but I study psychiatry (take classes continually) because it helps me, informs me, and it lights me up—it’s just something I am very interested in and I have always been a studier of human behavior. In recent years I became certified (in holistic medicine) for Art Therapy and also got a Life Coaching certificate, simply as a way to help both myself and others should that come to pass. I’ve garnered what I believe to be a cache of wisdom but it has not necessarily been on a traditional path.

Also, something I can drop into your hands, is that I am coming face to face (in my spiritual journey) with what one might call spiritual gifts or supernatural giftings or callings. I have had some but never pursued them, believing in my churchical days that they may not be perceived well, or God forbid, they may label me a Prophet or some such and make a big stink about it. The introvert  in me didn’t like that plan. Also, I didn’t really LOOK at them, I shoved them aside. Fear, or whatever. I didn’t want to mess with it all.

I have had what was called in churches “Words of Knowledge” wherein I knew something about someone I could not possibly have known. Out in the real world they may call that a bit of psychic ability. (Funny, when it is in the church, they call that a good thing, but if it is outside the church it is considered by the old-timers to be evil or demonic. Poppycock. There’s an old-fashioned word for ya.)

I have also experienced dreaming or being in a meditative state and seeing things that later come true. I am greatly empathic and intuitive and had–I mean HAD to learn about borders and boundaries so as not to be overwhelmed with other people’s lives and emotions. I always knew, for example, I could never be a doctor or a nurse because of how I “match energy” so easily. I feel what others feel. That is a TOUGH way to live. If you are similar, you know what I mean. I protected myself by playing up my introverted side, by having big boundaries about the energy (people) I would allow myself to be around. Still do that. Have to.

People would tell me when I was younger that I could be a “chameleon” in that I knew how to get along with and connect with a lot of different kinds of people. Also, girlfriends thought I was a “goody-2-shoes” (don’t know where that saying started) and did not understand that I could see where something was heading and I did NOT want to go there. I always see three or four steps ahead which is a personality trait as well as a gift. (And sometimes feels like a curse.) My bosses would call me negative because I could take their plan and tell them all of the potential pitfalls and why a plan likely wouldn’t work out the way they wanted it to. It’s not a popular trait (though it could be so valuable if people would listen!). Hubs has this same gift. He butts heads at work a lot.

So, whatever you believe or I choose to believe about these gifts, as part of my spiritual journey, I am acknowledging them and accepting them, and have to believe they may increase as I do this, but I am open to whatever Source wants. I get “woo-woo” sometimes, people. It’s gonna happen more.

Understand that I am all about “what others think about me is none of my business” so if you can’t handle the woo-woo, go in peace.

Much of what was and is considered to be witchcraft and demonic is simply people with giftings, people with an ability and a desire to grow herbs and plants and to draw close to nature and that are very into natural holistic modes of healing (brewing their potions and salves) for healing, NOT for harm. They burned people for that. Ridiculous.

Some have and do take a gift and then they (as a person) choose to go to the dark side. It happens. Some pretend to have gifts that don’t so that they can dupe people.

Let’s talk demons and possession. This is something I have read about and seen videos and think about a lot. I think (right at this moment anyway) that I DO believe it can happen. A person can become possessed or even just influenced by a demon or just a negative spirit or energy. Everything that is not alive and breathing is NOT a demon, though, as Christianity would have us believe. Sometimes spirits (who are people like us who no longer have a physical body) come visit. They watch us and hang out because they love us and are fascinated by us. Everyone always says, “they’re stuck” and I gotta believe, because of all I have learned, they are NOT stuck. They have a reason to be here. Most of the time it is because they have loved ones they want to be near. I believe that low-vibrational people become low-vibrational spirits and if they were mischievous in life they will be as a spirit as well. There is such a thing as bad energy carried around by some spirits and we must learn how to avoid that.

ALL that I have come to believe over the last months and years, I will share here.

I have come to believe that everything is energy and vibration. Have you ever watched those videos where they will place sand or water on a platform and play music under it? Have you ever seen how beautiful and glorious and mind-boggling those patterns are? The sand will leap itself into the most beautiful, artistic, amazing shapes, patterns. This is a way of proving to us that patterns exist. That vibration is everything. Tune your channel accordingly. You choose to vibe high or low. (How? What do you think and speak all day long? Is it positive or negative? Do you think that generates positive or negative energy and vibrations? What do you think it attracts to it?) If you’ve never really thought about that before, I challenge you to do so.

You ever notice how we humans can get stuck in patterns of behavior and can make the same mistakes over and over again? Some call that a Karmic loop. You have a negative experience so you speak of it in a negative way. You speak negative all the time. Your life and experiences become more and more negative. It’s a self-fulfilling prophecy.

You ever see positive people being all smiley and happy and living a great life and you just want to punch them? You want to know why them and not you? They’ve learned how to handle their stuff. They’ve learned how to be in control of their minds, bodies, emotions, rather than their emotions constantly taking off on their own and dragging you along behind. They’ve broken that cycle of negativity. It is mind-blowingly simple. (Not easy, due to our programming.) Just stop. Stop complaining all the time. Stop allowing everything or anything negative to come forth out of you. Control it. I’m not saying “don’t have emotions” I’m saying learn how to observe them and let them pass, NOT control you.

You know I have had to learn this lesson because I have told you what an empath I am and how I pick up on EVERYthing. I had to learn these things and yes it took me years. I wish it wouldn’t have. I wish someone like me would’ve come along and said, “Hey, listen, there’s an easy fix for that.” And that I would’ve listened to them and tried it out. It’s a simple experiment you can do for a month or 6 months, but give it time, because the universe doesn’t operate on your time table.

VERY important to mention here is this: DO NOT judge where someone else is. Why? Some are in a totally different place than you are and that does NOT make them less than. We are all learning different lessons we were sent here to learn, at different times. Our journeys will not ever look (from the outside) the same. We are not Stepford Children. (If you don’t know what that means, look up Stepford Wives.)

Everything is energy and vibration. What you tune into is what you attract. It’s called The Law of Attraction and it is Universal Law, meaning it always works, every time, throughout the universe. We humans are confounded by the simple. Try it out. What have you got to lose? Negativity? Being stuck in a loop? This is not religion, my friends, it’s science. It works. It’s proven. It’s what energy does.

You and I are energy, BTW, which is why I finally became convinced that we are eternal. As Source, we have always been and will always be. The only question is where. (We are splinters, you might say, of Source. He is in us.)

I know I’m dropping a lot of stuff here but try to stay with me. This is a great segue into talking about HELL.

I have found in reading many theologians, archeologists, historians, the smartest of the smart, NDEs out the wazoo (Near Death Experiences) that there is no evidence that there is an actual literal hell. Many theologians will back me up on this. There is Gehenna, which was an actual place, a fire pit where they threw dead bodies and those with leprosy and the like ended up there. It was an actual fiery pit. It is NOT where we go when we die. I believe this, my friends, whole-heartedly, that we have been under wrong teaching and wrong interpretation about this for years. Why? Man’s agenda. “Religious people” and leaders, believe it or not, can sometimes have, and often did back in the day, an agenda all their own. They wanted to control people, frighten them, and convince them of a hateful, vengeful God bent on casting them into the lake of fire if they did wrong. Pretty powerful imagery, right? You see, MEN have a desire (I mean mankind) to see justice and revenge and all manner of things. “If you do this or don’t do that you will go to hell.” They meant to scare the shit out of people to get them to behave themselves, and it sometimes worked.

The other side of the coin is this:

I believe Source (and that’s what I call God in order to differentiate from the one I was taught wrongly about) is a Creative Benevolent Being. MEN want to see certain people burn in hell. Source does not. He is LOVE. And a love we cannot fathom. If we could fathom it we would know in our deepest intuitive spirits and souls that what I am saying is true. It is not in Source’s nature.

This one thing right here has driven more people away from God and Christianity and Religion than any other single thing. We don’t understand who or what God/Source is. We cannot fathom it. Our spirits are trying to tell us different than what church/bible tells us. It’s that nag (tap-tap-tap) of spirit that took me out of church.

There are physicists and scientist alive today who have come all the way around from Atheism to a belief in an intelligent creator, because they get to a point where they say, “Okay, then what created THAT?” Because underneath it all is still a creative force they do not understand and that science has never acknowledged. The more they look at and the more they understand, the more they see that there is something they do not understand. The creative force behind it all.

I have had a vision that—there is one truth and only one thing that happened, and we are all everywhere, all at the same time, trying to understand it from our own limited perspectives and knowledge. There’s just one What Happened. There can only be one. Look at the shape of the pyramid and realize that as we all (in our own studies and our own cultures) go higher and higher in understanding we meet one day at the top. We converge, and then BOOM-we all see it. Source, the benevolent creator.

He Big-banged. He wanted others outside himself, (and oh by the way, he is not he), so he threw out his arm and Big-banged and the universes and the galaxies became and then began to evolve and grow and change. Source wanted to experience this. He (for the sake of argument) is IN us, learning what we learn, seeing what we see, and when we die, we go back to our home, we report in, we look over our life’s journey, we all learn from it, and in an attitude of welcome and the most powerful love you have ever felt, you are welcomed back to your celestial home with Source. For the first time since entering planet earth, you feel at home.

And the final bomb I will drop on you about my beliefs is this: I absolutely believe in reincarnation. More and more and more people are beginning to see it as the only way of explaining a LOT of stuff. Past-life regression. Kids being born that actually still remember their previous life. Many children do but are “taught” out of it as they grow. In some ways they are more intelligent than we are when they are born. Closer to their experience with Source. And kids are being born smarter every generation. (Have you seen my six-year-old grandson who taught himself Mindcraft?) They are being born with more in their DNA than we had. Because evolution is a part of what Source created. We are evolving. And many of you know it. You know it and you’ve seen it and seen strange things and didn’t know how to explain it, but it is a part of Source’s plan—we keep learning, keep growing, keep changing, ascending to higher and higher levels of awareness and understanding. Your “Religion” tells you these things can’t be so—and meanwhile the angels weep. We have gotten it so wrong, my friends. SO wrong. But we did the best we could for that time, but this is a new time, we know more. We CAN know more. We are fractals of the Living Source and Creator of all things. Think on that. Pray on it. I believe your spirit will tell you the truth of it.

Went into preach mode there. It’s a thing. But I find these things to have been proven out to me. If you only ever study the bible, you’ll only ever know the bible. Source wants you to learn so much more. He did not say Stop learning and growing from this time forward, but that is how it is taught. We’ve missed the mark there.

Open your hearts and minds and discover what life was MEANT to be for us. There is so much more.

 

((More excerpts in the coming months.))

((For questions or discussion–if you-(like me)–just like to discuss these things– find me at plswyers@gmail.com))

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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We Hold the Key

Ya know, it can really suck when we realize that nobody else is going to fix our wounds. This is why we carry our pain for so long, we keep on believing that it will magically heal itself or that someone who hurt us would come along and somehow fix it. I also mistakenly believed that being in church would enable me to heal and become whole. The truth can be a big Ouch. We hold that key, only us–ourselves. Nobody is coming to save us.

As hard as that is to hear–once you have grasped that, you have a huge decision to make. Stay in pain forever (give up) or get about the business of fixing it for yourself. I hear over and over “you will not change until the pain of remaining the same becomes greater than the fear or pain of doing what you need to do-to change.” It is such truth.

Where to start? Old pain. Origin wounds. We have to (usually through therapy) get to a place where we can face what happened (trauma) without it killing us. Become more of an “observer” so that we can stay there and look at it. For me, writing it all out was immensely helpful. Some people paint or sing or make or create things of all kinds because we unlock the subconscious mind in those moments of creating, and allow things to begin to happen.

When you can sit with it (even while sad) you will eventually be able to dissect it. Were you in any way at fault? (Likely no or you made a poor decision but what happened way outweighed that) or you have to face that it was NOT your fault. For me, forgiving myself for being with someone who I didn’t even truly have feelings for, hanging out with him (out of sheer boredom) and going places I never should’ve gone–was key. Facing the truth that it was NOT on me though, despite a poor decision, meant I could give myself permission to stop hating myself or blaming myself. I was incredibly naive’ and so many young people are. But I did nothing intentionally to cause what happened. I had to give myself a break–forgiveness.

The idea of forgiving who hurt you is a BIG subject. I personally would never tell anyone they MUST forgive their attacker or abuser or rapist. You forgive YOU for any part you played, small as it may have been (because we do carry guilt, deserved or not). Whether or not you can eventually forgive who hurt you is intensely personal and individual. If you can see them for the broken and messed up soul that they are and somehow forgive them–great. If not, go in peace.

I’ve written this on one page but to get to this point can take years and lots of counsel and therapy. I can share tips on ways to heal yourself, if you ever need them, just ask. But you will likely have to speak about it with someone or write about it or in some way get it OUT of you. You can picture it coming out of you and placing it in a box, any mental imagery that helps. (The box gets burned and the pain released.) This sounds easy, again, and it is not.

How do you speak or write about it? By recognizing your worth and by seeing that there is NO shame in talking about it, as we have been taught by the world.

The person in my life is no longer around (I do not remember his last name and I believe he may be dead at this time, and the others involved, no clue–I could never track them down because I don’t know names and faces.) If the person who hurt you is still around or heaven forbid–in your family–this opens up a whole new set of problems. My heart hurts just thinking about that. But however you choose to move forward there–please heal yourself. Don’t carry that “tumor” as I called it–in your body any longer than you must.

Life is tough sometimes. I have been able to release that pain that altered my life and everything about my life–after carrying it for 40 plus years. I want that for you. (I hope you don’t carry it so long or haven’t carried it as long.)

My book is “The Only Way Out is Through” in which I tell my story. If you want to discuss recovering from rape or attack, I am here. I can talk more about how I got free and can now walk in freedom and in power and in confidence. I got my life back (finally) and so can you. I am here for you. Be brave. Be at peace.

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Updated Manifesto or “My POV” for Feb 2023

So, lately my brain is being tickled by podcasts about Awareness, Consciousness, new levels of energy, transformation, vibes, etc. Learning about the Simulation Theory lit me up so much I floated for days. (Look for podcasts about it, it will blow your mind.) I can give you some names of some scientists and physicists and the like to listen to, if you have interest but a search will find you a lot, especially on YouTube. Next Level Soul is one of those podcasts that can touch on some really–some would say “out there” topics, but mandinga, you have got to open and stretch your mind. It doesn’t mean you have to full on obsess about every topic you hear, but just learning what our scientists are learning about today, that alone will give you food for thought for the remainder of this year.

For the first time EVER in our civilization, we, the everyday people, have full access to go straight to the horse’s mouth, bypass the government gate-guards and hear what is coming down the pike. Raw, unfiltered, by those experiencing it and finding out this new information, (and there is a lot) but I will have to warn you–unless you are very open-minded–all you have learned before will rise up and stop you (your programming) from even listening. Just be prepared. This is next level stuff, to hear what physicists are learning directly from them, and scientists, and that’s mind-boggling enough even if you never listen to the “spiritual gurus” out there. (Next-level mind-blowing for sure.)

For me, I am loving just diving in and listening to things like Danica Patrick’s podcast Pretty Intense. She interviews a lot of people who have some quite interesting things to say. The thing I love and relate to so much with Danica is her curiosity.  She asks all the questions I would ask and she gets excited and passionate about the subject, as do I. That’s not to say I 100% agree with everything out there, that’s not even possible, but there is so much good info to sort through. A favorite interview was with Dr. Stephen Grier (I think I’ve spelled that right) and he has the military background and lots of letters after his name, but he has had first-hand experiences with Life On Other Planets, let’s just say. This stuff lights me up and I enjoy it so much. (Neil Degrasse Tyson, Dr. Zach Bush, and many other brilliant minds are interviewed and will give you food for thought for weeks and months.)

Then, of course, all the tons of discussions about spirituality and awareness and consciousness… I am trying to take all of that slow and really process through it. I am particularly interested in vibrations and energy and the idea of different dimensions. Did I say these are DEEP discussions happening? They truly are. And fascinating.

One thing that has really struck me like a lightning bolt is that many of these scientists now see and believe in a “higher consciousness” or “source” (which brings some scientists in alignment with the idea of God) and this is SO new. There has been such a disconnect and people always think “You believe in God or Science, not both” but I always believed that there is only one real actual truth of what happened, how we got here, etc., and the rest is all just our trying to understand it. All of us. All over the world, just trying to understand, what happened? Why are we here? Who or what put us here and for what purpose?” Very deep questions. And, of course, the most closed-minded of us are the ones who say “Oh I already know that” and they point to their bible or their religion to explain it all. Sorry, folks, but it all is 1% of a very large story, and is not at all sufficient for understanding it all. There is so much more to learn and know, and many of us these days are wanting to open our minds and know it. (And I’ve said this before, but there is much to be concerned about in the bible–it teaches that we ought to stone our children if they disobey us, it’s okay to sleep around for men as long as they don’t masturbate, men can take many wives, and slavery is okay. That’s just a few things off the top of my head.) The wisest of the bible-believers have had to accept that it is written by man and has a ton of cultural stuff in there that we cannot and must not accept as a “do this” list for today. That said, it has some great messages that I believe were for us–unfortunately they are buried deep in the mire of a hot mess. Don’t throw things at me–I think it speaks for itself.

I firmly believe that anyone who thinks they know it all–are the most lost and confused people on our planet. “I had that figured out when I was 15 or 25 or whatever…”  Nope. No, you didn’t. We are still at the very earliest stages of figuring it out. But we never will as long as people refuse to learn and factor in new facts and new information. Is there a ton of stuff to filter through? Absolutely. But finding those rich nuggets of what has been proven scientifically as fact, those things alone will change the mindset of most anyone who is open enough to hear and process new data.

For me, knowing there is like a gazillion universes is enough to prove to me that Earth cannot possibly be the only planet with sentient life. (Did they know this 2k years ago?? Absolutely not, and would not have been able to process such info.)

If you accept that there are other life forms, then a next question might be “Do they mean us harm or good?” Dr. Grier could speak to that. They are so far advanced beyond us that cruelty to other life forms would never enter their minds.  Many also believe that when we split the atom (first bombs we made) it got the attention of life on other planets and many are concerned about us. Our technology might be outpacing our love and compassion and our ability to regulate ourselves and come together as one united species. I believe it blows their minds to see us trying to kill each other on the daily. I don’t believe they want us travelling into space with weapons and a very limited understanding of who and what else is out there. And the future is gonna be something else.

It excites me! What a freaky time to be alive.

Now–next thing. I am warming up to the idea that (and this from lots of study of NDE–near death experiences) that we come from a place (some would say heaven) and choose to be born here on Earth. Afterwards, we go back to this place, a sort of “train station” and the guides help us figure out whether we will be born again on Earth or go on to some other experience (one of which may be that you are asked to be a spirit guide for others). I assume or think that this station is also “heaven” and that some may be allowed to just stay there and hang out and not move on, but certainly can’t be sure on any of this. All supposition.

I totally believe we are energy and energy never dies, so it follows that we go somewhere and do something–else. I think this very belief system is what scientists are now factoring in and are beginning to see things differently.

To me, all of this means, there is a thing that happened–and here we are. We are all trying to understand that with many varying POV’s, religions, traditions, and scientists, etc . But maybe the truth would actually bring us together, believers and scientists, all religious backgrounds, united under that one central truth–the one we are all trying to find (in our imperfect ways).

This lights me up and gets me up in the morning. Learning can be such a powerful thing. Having an open mind to new information is SOOOO powerful and life changing. Wisdom, discernment and filters on–and nobody going nutso over anything–but just learning and observing. The truth will out.

“The truth is out there.” Mulder and Scully. Had it right all along.

Meanwhile, as we are all searching, can we start trying to be more loving and accepting and unify our species–the humans–together so that we can get on with this thing?  I believe also (not the fun part) that we can and may destroy ourselves if we don’t start getting it right. That’s why I say “rise” and “raise your vibration” and all of those sorts of things. We are down in the muck and the mire, not even walking upright on the street yet, and talking about going into space. Boggles the mind. Awake. Arise. Love. Come together. That’s my new message. That’s where I’m at. It’s a cool place to be.

 

 

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When I Was Young (Ghost Stories)

The house I grew up in had ghosts. Or maybe a single ghost, I was never sure. Strangely, it only seemed to show up when I was around, but my father witnessed its shenanigan’s once, too.

As a young toddler-aged sensitive one I experienced my bed shaking at night. Then as a teen my dryer door (as I was going to change laundry over) began to bang itself opened and closed repeatedly until I ran screaming from the room.

One summer day my dad and I were the only one’s home and he laid down to nap and asked me to be quiet, so I went into the other end of the house to watch TV. Suddenly from the end of the house where the bedrooms were (my parent’s room was directly across from mine) the stereo in my bedroom came on at full volume. Dad ran out of his room and saw me running in from the other end of the house and we both just stared at each other, then asked, “What in the world? Did you do that?” almost at the same time. We agreed that neither of us had touched the stereo which had switched itself on and also turned the volume to max.

It was an odd feeling to know that something unexplainable had gone on. Anytime my dad or I would talk about these incidents we’d get all kinds of reactions; many didn’t believe us. My dad, incidentally, saw a UFO near our house once. He and I must’ve been “the sensitives” in the house. The antennae for such things.

I’ve always felt sensitive to “vibes” and developed discernment much better as I got older, but thankfully haven’t had any visitations lately. But I’ve always thought I had a certain vibe or aura or frequency that was different from others. I still think so. My TV and PS5 often won’t work right and my computer does odd things a lot for me and my hubby the IT guy can walk in the room and they seem to fix themselves immediately. Vending machines, coffee makers, anything electrical, all sorts of things, like to become whacked out when I’m around. (This actually just now happened again, Hubs had to get Hulu to respond to him using the remote, it ignored me entirely.)

I don’t understand all of these things but have just had to accept them; to accept that there are things we do not yet quite grasp. We don’t have enough information. It kind of makes life interesting. It’s fun to think about. I am a seeker of truth and knowledge and hope to be around when we one day figure these things out. Frequency? Energy? Vibration? Maybe I have some kind of latent ESP. Maybe I attract certain vibes or entities and push others away; I just don’t know. (I’m electric!) I know that I am made up of energy, so I’m sure the answers lie in that area somewhere.

I’ve often thought, “What if I’m not from around here? What if I’m from a different planet?” I’ve had this thought for many different reasons over the years. One day I’ll have my answers but perhaps not until I’m on the other side of the veil.

Got any good ghost stories? Nighty-night friends!

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What is it?

It’s the million-dollar question: what is it that keeps you from doing all you want to do and being fully who you are? What keeps me from making my YouTube videos more often? From marketing my work? From “going for it” to coin a phrase? I truly don’t know but I can only guess for me and others that it has to do with our programming. The years of being told “Don’t do that” and “You can’t do that!” and “What do you think you’re doing?” and “Who do you think you are?” All those messages screamed at us from a young age. Imposter syndrome. Self-esteem issues. Not knowing how to fully re-program ourselves.

I’ve done so much on work on myself and I can say I fully love me. I forgive me. I respect me. But still, it’s not always enough. I lack motivation. Maybe I’m just plain happy and love “being” instead of always “doing”? Wouldn’t that be a hoot? Perhaps I’m lazy (I am a cat-like personality). I love nothing more than reading, writing, listening to podcasts and audiobooks, drawing… (all things one does while sitting, of course) but my catty self loves it. I guess, the bottom line is I am not sufficiently motivated to do more than I do and that dammit I am happy. I am at peace. I am serene. Maybe if I wasn’t I’d work harder.

Food for thought.

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Instead of Sleeping

 

 

I break my heart and dissect it each night.

The evening is when I reflect on life, on my soul

And often find myself writing my life

Instead of sleeping.

I ask myself continually what it is I need from others

And I know the answer is nothing

I know this in my head

But my heart… my heart goes on longing

Like a ship-captains’ bride awaiting the return of its lover from sea

But he never comes.

The longing becomes an ache.

 

I go on.

I function and even find happiness

Until I sit and reflect again,

Again with insomnia, asking

Always asking

Just what is it?

What does the heart want?

What do you expect?

Is it seriously total love all day every day

From every corner of the world?

Are you that needy? If so why?

I ask my heart these things

And during the daylight

I have all the answers.

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The Lesson I am in Now

It appears to me that all of life is about learning and growing; deeply learning and internalizing some very deep truths.

This month (or however long it takes to take root) seems to be about fully letting go of expectations I seem to continually put on others. I have to say if not for my hubs I don ‘t know how I’d make it in this life, because it has been about one unmet expectation after the other. I have got to stop setting myself up for hurt. Doing a lot of journaling about this right now. Also thought I’d post about it so I can look back to it later on down the road.

I expected, at one time, that all people would treat me with dignity and respect. Shattered.

I expected that once I learned to love myself all of my pain would stop. Shattered.

I expected to be allll better by now. Shattered.

I am much better than I was; I kinda see me working my way around a sculpture (that is me) spackling and shoring up the broken messed up parts, but then I turn it slightly and there is another thing to fix, and another, and another. When does it end? Does it?

I’ve been in a really great place for a long time. I got there by a lot of hard (exhausting) work. Part of being there was in learning how to live in the moment. I am trying hard to stay there. Just when I think I have put every past thing back into the past, something new happens, a new painful (fresh) memory that I have to pull apart and analyze.

I think there is a powerful key in something I learned in one of my classes, and that is in learning to see our painful emotions when they happen (Oh! There you are–pain that I set myself up for–I see you. I see the little arrow sticking out of my heart.)  Then we’re supposed to acknowledge it. Then set it aside and move past it. This is the part I am still struggling with.

I told myself that it is kind of like my love for baked goods (that I rarely actually let myself have). I see you scone, calling my name. The chocolate croissant, the fresh-baked bread. I acknowledge you are there in the bakery case. I hear you speaking to me. But I am choosing to nod at you and move on past.

I’m not sure which is harder, passing the tough emotions by or the baked goods, but either way, it sucks. Hard. But this is where I am at and what I am dealing with today, See it, nod at it, pass it by. Sounds simple, right?

My physical health and issues do not allow for me to eat baked goods. (I can get by with a few times a year.) My emotional growth goals do not allow for me to wallow in sadness at a perceived slight or arrow thrown at me. AND I must remind myself that often, it is my own expectations that people will behave in a certain way, or a way I wish they’d behave, (and I know better). At least I should.

There’s an Alanis Morrisette song that talks about “the ever-elusive kudo” (her song Thank You) and another line about one word someone says (or doesn’t say) leaves her devastated… the little shots and arrows that are sometimes real and sometimes all in our head. (She sings my life, seriously. Love her.)

Anyway, I’ll be going along fine then suddenly I’m hurt over the smallest thing. (I believe they call that being “butt-hurt” these days. Only it’s my heart, not my ass that is hurting.) THIS. This I must conquer. I feel like if I can fully conquer that every single time, I will be the king of the world.

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What a glorious damned day

Been playing at this one book for years, finally wrote it and now I am full of angst about whether or not I should just print it for myself or actually sell it. And I want to talk about it but there’s no-one really to talk to about it. So here I am.

My site has cobwebs, no-one has been here in so long, including me. Need to get to my class work but can’t focus. Urgh. Coffee and go! Motivate! (I just want to hide in bed all day. Perhaps I deserve it, I have been writing 12 and 14 hrs a day for over a week. Edits, re-writes.) No wonder I lack motivation.

Also, I get no encouragement and pats on the back these days and that is hard. I am writing in a tunnel, a vacuum and that is so so hard.

Maybe I need to switch to arting for a couple days. Getting on with my day. It really is a glorious day.

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Writing Again

I say from time to time “I’m not working on any books for a while or maybe at all ever again” but I did decide I have one non-fiction in me, so I have started on that. Gosh I write, journal, blog a lot. It is indeed my very life.

For the first time in a long while I have days that are full to the brim, though, with work. I am taking (currently) two classes, I have an art therapy client, and I’m working on the book. Oh, and trying to keep up with the household stuff, enjoy fam when they come, have any kind of a small social life. And I I am debating starting my YouTube videos back up again. Maybe weekly, maybe monthly.

One of the things I have been taught in one of my classes is the idea that one cannot be truly happy or fulfilled without giving back in some way. Back in my church days, I had a bit more of an ability to help, mostly with acts of service, but sometimes lead a class or something. Counsel with someone who needed a listening ear. These days I don’t have any real venue unless I make it, such as with art therapy or on YouTube.

Sadly, I do like the sound of my own voice, sometimes… lol. Talk, talk, talk. But if I do have any gift to share, I ought to get on with it, stop pussy-footing around and being all like “eh can I do it?” Just woman up and get it done. So that’s where I’m at. It’s a good place to be.

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Poetry at 4 that Flies by Day

 

At 4 a.m. I lay awake

Writing some of the best poetry of my life

Inside my head

Knowing it may flee by daylight.

Thoughts of my journey to here

To now—

Dark splinters in wood and bone

Digging them out

Tossing them aside

Old pain, old slivers

Buried so deep

From the shattering.

New growth formed over

Must dig them out

Must get it all out

Or else

The pain will never ease.

Years, it took

Working on me

Poking, scraping at scabs

Digging up bones

Others say to leave them be

But I know I cannot

Like the Princess and the Pea

I dig at them until they’re

All gone

All gone.

Now what?

What replaces the pain?

I know why some identify so greatly

With their pain

That it becomes them, and they become it.

Together by osmosis.

And everyone says, “Let it go.”

“Let it be scabbed over.”

“Leave it.”

And then that day

It happened that I had dug

The last splinter.

I slept for 10 hours.

I woke up empty.

What now? I keep asking.

I did the work,

Now what do I do

Who am I if not the pain?

If not the scabs?

Not one to ask for help,

I did.

And they did.

And I am learning to walk again.

Hoping one day to fly.

 

 

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Vulnerability, ugh.

Today I felt compelled to write a thing to a person, and I didn’t regret doing it, but always wonder where it will land and how it will be received. Trying to be real and vulnerable and just throw out there-who you are and how you feel-it really doesn’t get easier. I guess it’s easiest when I don’t think at all about how it will be perceived, but it’s hard for me to be that way, not when I care. But I have always, probably, needed to care a little less. (Especially about what others think.)

Strangers that I have zero connection to?? No problem, don’t give the smallest of fucks. But people I care about? It’s a bit harder. This is one of the larger issues of my life when it comes to communication and relationship. I WANT to just be real and me, and I also want people to always “get” what I’m saying, and that really just isn’t even realistic. I don’t like everyone, so why would I want or expect that everyone (even those I like) would like me back–all out there, just as I am.

Life. What a concept. Beam me up, Scottie.

But I guess for now, it beats the alternative. (Unless or until I really CAN be beamed up to another planet.) But gonna try and not think about it, and go on, back to the business of being me. Managing my life, the best I can.

Peace, peeps!

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August 8 (I am all things 8)

8-8. Eight has always been my lucky number, I suppose that was an obvious thing as I was born on 8-8. The number of New Beginnings. I am certainly about that. I am a true renaissance woman. I’ve done so many different jobs and have found there have been many things I have loved doing. Coffee shop manager (barista), administrative assistant, counselor, teacher, accounts receivable and payable, file organizer, writer, publisher, poet … oh-so-many things over the years. I’ve been called a chameleon because I can do a lot of different things. I can even enjoy being my naturally introverted self, OR, when called upon, I can be quite extroverted, I guess they call that an ambivert, (but my truest nature is an introvert, I am a cat and I need my downtime. And also naps.)

I am a person who exercises regularly and have for years, but even there, I have to change it up, I have to have several things on my repertoire, (stationary bike, yoga, swimming or pool aerobics, aerobics and/or dance) because I guess at heart, I am a bit of a gypsy. I don’t like to stay very static for very long, or I get very bored. I like certain kinds of change. I like options. My husband is a very lucky man, as, in my marriage I seem to have settled in for the long haul there. Truly, (now that I’m an adult and know myself well), I don’t even really agree with or believe in marriage, yet I find myself in a (near) 34-year marriage and I’m happy here, but if anything ever happened (heaven forbid) I don’t see myself ever marrying again. But things change. Always, always change.

Here’s to change, and in being in the driver’s seat (not having it forced upon you). May that always be the case for you. New beginnings. I’ll toast to that and to many more years, on this, the day of my birth.

Peace Out!

 

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A Day in the Life

Been in therapy a few weeks and just when I begin to wonder if it’s working, I’ve had a couple big breakthroughs, so that’s cool. Pressing on. I’ve stopped looking at things in the same way and feel I can finally focus on forward movement. Now if I could just feel well-rested, those days are great. Rough night last night.

So many people with their opinions of what is right, but they only think “This is Right for All” instead of “This is Right For ME!” If people could just change that one little thing… and I behave the same way often myself. Cuz when you work hard for your belief system and it makes sense to you, it’s tough not to want everyone else to jump on board. But we need to allow each other to have the voyage, the journey, the struggle. It’s what grows us and makes us strong. America was founded on Freedom of Religion, so obviously it was important to the founding fathers. I can’t help but think so many things about our country. I love it here, I know it’s still a great place to be compared to some others, but also… there is so much wrong.

I mean that Thanksgiving pilgrim fantasy we all had… we now know it was all much bloodier than what we like to say each year in November. We have so much more knowledge now… and change is hard for people. Sometimes believing the new information is difficult to impossible for the Old School folks. But we have to be open-minded enough to take in new facts, new information, or we’re just dinosaurs. (And will become extinct, just the same.)

Terroristic shootings have become the norm now, not just the occasional random horror… we’ve become used to it because the far right informs us, we cannot mess with gun laws… and children still die, innocent people still die. There must be a better way. There must be a way to both be able to defend ourselves and our homes and families, while protecting the innocent, and for crying out loud, get people the mental healthcare they need. Lock people up and keep them there, when that is what is necessary. I can’t believe that there is a country as wealthy and large as we are that can’t figure this shit out. Our priorities are skewed. That has become horribly apparent. People just plain don’t want change. They want to say, “I want to go back there,” when there is no going back. We have to deal with the shitstorm that is here and now.

Anyway, unscheduled rant happened.

I am a patriot, believe it or not. The same people I disagree with, I would stand shoulder to shoulder with–to protect them if necessary. But I am not a nationalist. I love people of every background and nationality. The politicians are the ones to hate, if you feel you must, but please don’t take it out on people of other countries, just trying to live, raise their kids, get by. I have friends (thanks to the internet) from lots of different countries, and I have found us to be more alike than different. We all want peace. We all want security, friendship, decent jobs. Take the politics out of it and we are much the same underneath.

Unscheduled rant over. I believe in good, hardworking people, and they can be found all over the globe. If we could just get the politicians to stop shaking their fists at one another and learn to live and let live. But we likely won’t. We may very well destroy ourselves. I truly hope not. But good, kind people do still exist. We need to stand up and make our voices heard, too.

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Updated Manifesto of Sorts (what I believe in my deconstructed life)

I occasionally like to write these “What I’ve Learned” or “What I believe” posts, as I am continually learning, growing, healing, endeavoring to know more and more about myself and the world I inhabit… it helps for me to get it down somewhere as I have been deconstructing.

Was on a Facebook thread earlier where people were discussing their negative views about the bible… I usually don’t actively seek out participation in such things, what’s the point, people will believe what they will, but I decided to voice an opinion… that the bible is full of really bad stories (I pointed out only one in Genesis but there are oh so many) and that for me, I have seen the man behind the curtain, and there is no wizard there. That is a pretty succinct description of how I feel about religion or God or Christianity or the bible these days. (I assume you get the Wizard of Oz reference.)

It’s not that I am necessarily against faith or a Creator as concepts. It’s just that I cannot get on board with God as represented in the bible and Christianity. I can no longer, in good conscience, claim to believe in the truth and veracity of it. I believe all religion is man-made. The bible contains words of wisdom, psalms, some things that seem to be good and positive and life-affirming, but unfortunately, that’s all I have to say about it that is GOOD. It is, by and large, a work of fiction, and more it is designed to be utterly and absolutely worshipped and looked upon as absolute truth, indeed Christianity believes it to be holy in and of itself. I cannot go there. No more than I can go there with any other religious scroll from any other new or old religion.

I like the idea of faith, something greater than ourselves that lends us hope and foundational security and a way to just dump our problems onto another being to deal with… the idea that I do not need to save myself, that idea is tempting, but I have found it false. I DO need to save myself, encourage myself, believe in myself, not view me as a filthy broken sinner. I’m a human. Fallible. Capable of great good and even of evil. I believe we are born (or meant to be born) with a basic understanding of good and evil and a basic conscience (I believe this instead of the idea of Original Sin.) Just as there are birth defects of other kinds, some seem to be born without this conscience. Some seem to have it beaten out of them by life and circumstance. I believe only the most “defective” would actually choose evil (without negative, abusive environmental factors).

And making mistakes or bad decisions is not necessarily the same thing as being evil. People have to grow and learn and mature and often only accomplish this the hard way, by learning what NOT to do, discovering consequences, often with the best of intentions. That’s about as basic as it gets for me, when it comes to a belief system. I see so much toxicity out there connected to church, religion, faith and it makes me a bit crazy. All the horror, murder, and death connected to faith… it could fill an ocean. Wars fought, entire people groups wiped out, much as Hitler tried with the Jews, the Spanish Inquisition and many other horrors throughout history. All in the name of some god. Some bloodthirsty god. Nope not for me.

Humanity isn’t perfect, but we are all we’ve got. We have to evolve and get better. I sincerely hope we do.