Have you ever felt totally completely alone, even when there are others all around you
Whether you are by yourself or at a party and you get that feeling that absolute feeling
That you are utterly alone in the universe? That nobody ever gets you, nor will they ever?
If ever there is a feeling I’ve carried with me forever it is that feeling, that raging knapsack of doubt, fear, Neediness, utter neediness.
Is it being the youngest child? Is it being completely self-absorbed? Is it the creative gene?
Or do all people feel this way at one time or another, like they’re sitting on the edge of a knife
Like at any minute they just may explode from the intensity of their need? I think I’ve heard of other people feeling this way, but that can’t be true, can it? Can the world really be full of us?
I feel like I’m in the circus and I’m tied to that spinning board and there’s a man in a black cape
Throwing daggers at my head, but he’s hoping to hit me, right through the brain, if he hits the wood,
He’s missed his true target. It would be easier for him to make his mark than for me to be free.
Some days I feel it’s just me,
Some days I’m walking through the forest alone but feel my Creator
Inside me, around me and we commune, He and me, and some days it’s like I’ve been, like the detritus
Of the Titanic, lost forever on the bottom of the ocean, never to be found again.
But learning, shutting out the doubt and fear, the voices, real and imagined, that hurl insults
Shutting it down, tuning it out. I will be me and do what I do and when the good comes
It comes and when the bad comes I’ll try not to slip and fall into the mire again, but, no doubt, I will.
I will feel it again, I’ll feel it all, again and again, because this is who I am and one day maybe I’ll learn to
Turn it off.