Tag: women

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The Women I Admire the Most

The women I admire the most are women who know themselves thoroughly and unabashedly. They’ve taken the time for introspection; they’ve healed their mess and look unwaveringly forward.

The women I admire the most laugh in the face of others’ expectations. They aren’t concerned with the constricting opinions of others but own who they are.

These women are kind and good and compassionate, (for they have known pain) and though they know how to stand apart and alone, they also understand creating community.

The women I admire the most insist on following their passion and purpose, so don’t bother trying to derail them or talk them out of it. They persevere in all things that matter to them.

They insist on continued growth and knowledge and are always looking forward to their next project.

The women I admire don’t always defer to others but know when to stand their ground and pick their battles with care. They are fierce in protecting the ones they love.

They understand boundaries and how to enact them when necessary. They also respect the boundaries of others.

Women are strong, but the best of them know when and how to wield their power and when to yield it and do not ever use it to manipulate and control others.

The women I admire most embody love and respect and choose their words carefully but will never be silenced.

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Women of a Particular Age

Reading and watching a lot of telly has me thinking of a recurring theme: women of a particular age deciding they won’t take everyone’s BS anymore and speaking their minds. Hmmm. Hits home and sounds way too familiar for me.

I think there is a large sector of women who came up being taught that we were to be silent, to acquiesce at every opportunity. Always go along with the other, especially if that other is a man. It’s a good thing I have a loving, kind, and open-minded husband, because I talk most things out with him and he listens and even if or when we disagree, he allows me to say what I think, to feel what I feel, and isn’t always trying to change it to what he thinks and feels. He doesn’t (at least usually) mansplaine. 

As we women have aged though, the ones in this certain group, we have gradually come into our own, found our deepest hearts and personalities, come to know ourselves, found knowledge, wisdom and we’ve located our voices. We can no longer tolerate being talked over, shushsed, discounted, summarily ignored. I was just watching a cop show where this woman, after forty years of bowing to her husband making every decision without even consulting her, stood up to him and told him that the man had never asked anyone else’s opinion ever, and was only ever happy when he got his own way. “Bravo!” I shouted in response, and gave her a hand-clap.

That wasn’t even a harsh statement, just a true one, and the man looked as though he’d been slapped. Rude awakening. A lot of men are in for a rude awakening, or maybe have already experienced their Woman of a Particular Age speak her mind. There’s an awakening that happens with age. I’ve seen it in real life as well as on telly. There may come, can come a time, wherein a woman feels she’s been lied to, pushed down, controlled and manipulated one too many times. Look out when she becomes aware of this. There’s nothing like a woman coming into her own, finding her power. A lot of people won’t like it. She won’t care, not a flip.

She is my sister, my kindred and I will continue to stand with her, in her corner and shout, “Bravo!” and give her a hand-clap. I am her and she is me.

Well done, sister. Find and use that voice, use it until everyone leaves and nobody, not a soul wants to listen anymore, and then speak into the wind and the sky. Eventually one or two will gather around, those who actually want to hear what you have to say. Keep those people. Keep them near and dear, for they love the REAL you.

Well done, sister. Well done.

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Blog Saturday April 25th 20 On life, boundaries, and my exodus from church (finding myself)

Hello my lovelies. Dang I feel emotionally better today, but last night…. Oooohhh

Last night I had a full-on meltdown that I’m quite sure would look like a nervous breakdown of sorts. It wasn’t. I am a person who was taught to always stuff down their emotions so in recent years I am learning to let them out when they need to come out. I’ve gotten up to crying 3 times a year! Yippee! I had not cried in sooo long and not at all since this virus was let loose on the world.

I’ve had a lot of training over the years and motherhood is a great teacher, too, in being strong, taking care of others, meeting their needs at the cost of your own, etc. For all of these reasons I have had to learn how to heal my own insides, to process these strong emotions when they come and take care of me. (The only way out is through. That’s my new mantra.)

So while still hiccup crying, I got on my laptop and typed a 2 page document where I spewed (talk about word vomit!) all my junk out. Every single sentence began with the word “Fuck.”

That’s normally not how I roll, but it was a long-time coming and indeed, it was good. So cathartic. I kinda want to share that document (that’s just my need to be seen and understood) but I think I’ll keep that to myself, or maybe print it out, then journal over it (draw and paint over it). BTW, it was amazing therapy so if there are things you need to get out but don’t feel you can tell anyone, write or type them out, then shred them or do whatever with them. It helps so much.

I had a great online appointment with my primary care doc yesterday, and it’s quite possible I have the ‘rona. I definitely have a virus that is attacking my lungs. I missed the time slots available to go to our closest drive-up testing center, and that one won’t open until Wednesday. There’s another in Daytona Beach, if I get desperate to know (for my own knowledge) if it is Covid-19 or some other virus. That one is opened on Monday. The doc says it is all academic as long as I am isolating and doing all the things the doc tells me to do (etc). I don’t need to go to the hospital unless I take a big turn for the worse (higher fever, cannot breathe even with all these meds and nebulizer) and if that were to happen, I’d go to the hospital. They would test me there at that time. The results take a week to get back, so pretty academic. It may well be gone – should be gone- in that time frame. Only occasionally and sporadically do I seem to have any fever, and it is low, one or two points above normal. I’m actually dealing well, and don’t expect any need for any hospital visits anytime soon. I’m a fighter and have had to fight illness a lot. This time feels a bit different in the lungs which makes me think it may well be Covid-19, but it doesn’t matter so long as I don’t share it with others and take care of myself. I’ll see how I feel Monday about getting the test.

That’s out of the way, so now let’s talk about boundaries. And women with boundaries, specifically. Do you have them? If you don’t, get some. They will absolutely change/save your life. Also gonna touch on my worldview and some of things I’ve learned along my journey.

It took me way too long and I dealt with way too much BS in my life before I learned to say “No!” and loudly at times. Unfortunately we are often taught (especially us gals) that it is unseemly, unacceptable, “unChristian” or wrong to stand up for ourselves in any way. “Sit still, look pretty” describes a lot of my earlier years of life. (I didn’t feel pretty, still often don’t) but still got the feeling that we women were for looking at and having sex with, and hey, if you can find a meek and mild one, maybe marry her and have babies. (In the kitchen, barefoot and pregnant, cooking dinner!) Yeah, I do come from that kind of a background. Not bashing anyone who does the housewife and mom thing, I did it for a long time, but this is more about how the male of the species sees women in general. We (and often children) were to be seen and not heard. Arm candy. Trophy wife. All of those things. Took me a loooong time to get my head on straight about who and what I am as a woman and the value that I (we) have. Our power has been stripped and we need to reclaim it. We are just as pushed down as any race or ethnic group in some ways. (Not to say I understand AT ALL what it would be like to be a woman AND a person of color.) And for power to be stripped one must have it in the first place.

Part of my research over the last few years has been deeper into religion, ancient scrolls and the like. I found out that women were actually a huge part of the Christian leadership in the very early days of Christianity. Because of the misogyny of that time, and let’s face it, forever, when men came in and took over, they relegated women back into the kitchen and into servitude. Of course, women wanting to serve Christ gladly did what they could to serve (and do today.) Many modern denominations, maybe most, do not allow women in positions of leadership and certainly don’t allow them to speak from the pulpit. Archaic, misogynistic and wrong in my thinking. If you ever want to be truly valued in your gifts, talents, and leadership skills, I daresay it won’t happen in most churches. Even if they put you into a position of authority, most of the men in the congregations would take issue. This is stinky and wrong. (I come from a background of volunteering and being on paid staff at a church for many years.)

This leads into my lifeview and worldview making a 180 in a lot of things. Misogyny in the church did not start my defection from Christianity, just an observation. Much of my research and reading led me to believe that the bible as we have it today (and Catholics have one type, protestants another, and other denominations and religion still others) is not completely accurate and certainly is not holy or to be worshipped. Is it a good book with lots of stories and inspirational stuff? Yes. Some history? Yes, some accuracy? Yes, I believe that. I no longer see it as infallible, and even found up to 1200 plus instances where it contradicts itself. Scrolls were intentionally left out and people just blindly accept that that was “of God”. I don’t believe it. One thing I do know is humanity, and it always has its own agenda. Not trying to change anyone’s mind here, just sharing my life, thoughts, views.

As you might imagine, my spiritual life has taken many twists and turns (if you look back over a lot of my older posts, I rant a lot about my feelings, the changes, how hard it has been on me to turn the Titanic of my belief systems around, how painful it was to make the decision to leave mainstream Christianity, etc.) Lots of word vomit, talking it out, etc. Painful experience in many ways but absolutely a growth experience for me. 

For a while I came close to Christian-bashing and being against any kind of faith. (I still get “triggered” when people quote scripture at and to me, especially in that surfacey trite way “Oh just pray more and the bible says yada yada, there, now you are all fixed.” or “If you were just more spiritual, better, more perfect like Christ, you’d be fine, ya filthy lost sinner.” It’s all very triggering to me, I no longer believe all that most of mainline Christianity believes, and therefore have chosen NOT to align myself with the Christian church overall.

I still struggle with any kind of faith issues. I continue to study lots of different religions, ideologies, etc. I am fascinated with how people all over the world see God, how they find him, how they worship, etc. I would call myself a “seeker of truth” (not an organization but a philosophy) and have zero tolerance for others thinking they have cornered the market on truth. I call BS.

I am more loving (believe it or not) than I have ever been and have a great love for all of humanity. When I weep it is often for all of humanity and what we do to each other. I carry a big burden about all of those things. It matters to me.

I am just now getting to a place where I can “tolerate” for lack of a better term, being around people who are very deep into Christianity and quote scripture at everyone, everything, every problem. I’m trying to heal in that area and accept people for who they are as I want to be accepted for who I am.

I learned a lot in churches, had many positive experiences, but for me, in hindsight, there were a lot of wrong toxic principles and beliefs that I am still trying to heal from. Misogyny and under-valuing women is only one of those things. But I deal with that in every area and aspect of life.

If you are very entrenched in your beliefs in Christianity, we may never truly connect, and I have explained a tiny bit, a microscopic bit of all of the reasons why. But if you are kind, compassionate, open-minded, and if you find we connect on some level, that’s all good. I like to have friends from many different walks of life, and I do have (all over the world). You do you and I’ll do me. 

Anyway, this is already long but just to touch again on boundaries and finish my thought. We women and really everyone, have got to learn to establish boundaries that say, “You may come this far and no further.” A boundary is like screaming, “No!! You may not!!” with an outstretched hand. It’s like having a bodyguard (but the bodyguard is you.) I want to talk about this more in future posts but I think I’m gonna rest now. Self-care is a GOOD thing.

Love you all. Stay strong. Be mindful of others and take care of YOU.

Peace Out.

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Women & Self-esteem

I haven’t written a blog in a while. We moved to Florida in November and I started an art class in January and I’ve been dealing with annoying health crap as well. After a while I will really get the itch, so here I am! Finally doing a blog post again.

So many things have been on my mind and heart lately, but I wanted to share some thoughts on women and self-esteem. Earlier I commented on this older ladies’ post and she’d had her hair done and make-up done and she looked amazing, so I said “You are gorgeous.” And yes, I meant it, she did. I think it meant so much to her because we women, for so many reasons, don’t feel beautiful. I’d like to say this is a problem in older women (and goodness knows everything is harder and worse and amplified as we age) but it isn’t just older women. I’ve heard my grand-girls at ages 3 and 7 & 8 years old, make negative comments about themselves, their weight, their whatever. It breaks my heart.

I’m so glad I’ve had an awakening of sorts, and I’ve been through therapy, and I’ve made an attempt at getting a handle on these kinds of things. I try to take every opportunity to tell women (& girls) how beautiful they are. But also, to emphasize that they are also smart, or talented, or whatever other wonderful thing I may see in them (because it really isn’t all about the physical, though we’ve been trained to think that.)

I wish my parents had told me I was beautiful more often, and I’ll tell you why. This world and many, many of the people in it will take every opportunity to put 2 messages into our heads, as follows:

“It is all about your looks, pretty people do better, get more and better jobs, attract better men, etc. And you are just not measuring up to the ideal.” Show me one girl or woman who hasn’t experienced this in some way, even at a young age, and I’ll show you someone who grew up in a commune/cult. No, no, it’d even happen there. For whatever reason, this message will and does get across. The media, TV, movies, have traditionally been about this outer beauty and have, intentionally or not, sent the message to all females that we must fit a particular ideal or we are wrong/ugly/stupid/unworthy. And many boys and men have made it worse and enforced the idea by treating women as objects, requiring them to look a certain way before even considering a relationship, treating them as though they are “less than,” ugly, or just plain don’t measure up.

Well hallelujah and pass the jeweled crown, because I have a different message for ya. Women are so stinkin’ strong. They have been treated badly forever and still carry children inside of them, they do jobs of all kinds, traditionally-male jobs oftentimes, and often better, faster, and more reliably than their male counter-parts. They know from pain. They have taken the abuse and mistreatment and have grown stronger, tougher, smarter, for it.

This isn’t meant to be “anti-man,” no not at all. I know several great, good men, who do their best to treat women with the dignity and respect they deserve, but more often (in my 55 years of life) I have unfortunately found these men to be rare. More often we find the misogynistic cat-calling, judgy kind that will ask for a beer, belch, rub their beer belly, then complain that their svelte 140-pound wife needs to drop a few. Double standard? Absolutely.

In a TV show recently, there was a husband that said something to his wife about how she had “undermined his authority” and she came back with, “but I’m not under your authority, I am your wife and your partner, and someone you love.” I loved that.

This is a good place to segue into the topic of how religion and church have gone a long way towards propagating this attitude. For millennia men in the church have been taught to treat their wives as “under” them and just a little bit less than. That their opinions really don’t matter in the end. This (in my opinion) is a big manipulative abuse, one of many, that has been caused by mankind using the bible to subjugate their wives. Now I know a lot of you disagree, yet, I’ve seen about 65 % of the couples I used to go to church with, end up divorcing. Now maybe these weren’t all about their patriarchal attitudes, but it is very telling. It just doesn’t work in the real world. Even for religious, devout folks. It just doesn’t. There must be a reason… oh yeah, there is. It was never meant to be that way. I refuse to believe it another second of my life. (I actually came to this conclusion many years ago, and got freedom in a lot of areas. And yes, I’m a very happily married woman.)

But, as usual when I get going, I have digressed. Though it all plays together. Women have always been told they were, and treated, as less than, forever. It just isn’t true.

It’s time for women to come into their own, and it starts at a very young age. Stop telling your daughter she’s too heavy. If she has a serious weight problem that causes health issues, get her therapy and a doctor, but love and support her all the way. Tell her she’s gorgeous. Tell her she’s smart. Tell her you love the way she smiles, paints, writes, dances…. All of it. Never worry about it going to her head, because the only way it goes into her head is by giving her a positive sense of self-image and worth. Don’t forget tons and tons of compliments and positivity in every aspect and area of her being. Compliment her soul and spirit and how hard she works.

It begins in the home (as most things do). Fathers, show your daughters that their opinions matter and that they are capable of doing anything (I repeat anything) they want to do. Revere and respect them and they will give that back to you 100-fold.

Things are changing for the better for women, but we have so, so far to go.

As for me, I never negative self-talk anymore. I don’t call myself fat or ugly or stupid. I’m not, so why would I? I’m positive all the way. I get up each morning, (almost every morning!) excited and passionate that I get to use this bod to do the things I want, need and love to do. I’m free. And it’s amazing.

I am happier and freer than I have ever been, more confident, in control of what I allow around me (boundaries) and all that wonderful stuff. I got self-esteem in spades, and I’ve learned how to keep it going and growing.

(Hint: Stop worrying ALL the time, what others think of you. This is a BIGGIE.) I mean everyone. Be the real you and those who truly love you will stay with ya.

Don’t be afraid to speak truth to power. Your version of truth, not theirs. (I’ve learned everyone has their own.) Your spouse, your kids, your in-laws. Let them see the real you. They love you or they don’t. Simple but not always easy.

You gotta get you some of this freedom stuff. It will change your life.

PS: You’re gorgeous!! And powerful!! And worthy!! You really, truly are.

(I’m standing in my Warrior Stance. If you watch Grey’s Anatomy, you’ll know what I mean.)

Peace Out!!