Tag: vulnerability

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Vulnerability, ugh.

Today I felt compelled to write a thing to a person, and I didn’t regret doing it, but always wonder where it will land and how it will be received. Trying to be real and vulnerable and just throw out there-who you are and how you feel-it really doesn’t get easier. I guess it’s easiest when I don’t think at all about how it will be perceived, but it’s hard for me to be that way, not when I care. But I have always, probably, needed to care a little less. (Especially about what others think.)

Strangers that I have zero connection to?? No problem, don’t give the smallest of fucks. But people I care about? It’s a bit harder. This is one of the larger issues of my life when it comes to communication and relationship. I WANT to just be real and me, and I also want people to always “get” what I’m saying, and that really just isn’t even realistic. I don’t like everyone, so why would I want or expect that everyone (even those I like) would like me back–all out there, just as I am.

Life. What a concept. Beam me up, Scottie.

But I guess for now, it beats the alternative. (Unless or until I really CAN be beamed up to another planet.) But gonna try and not think about it, and go on, back to the business of being me. Managing my life, the best I can.

Peace, peeps!

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Holiday Nervosa

Why do the holidays always make me think of the whys and why nots of the metaphorical bombs I drop or would drop in the middle of the family tree amongst gasps and stares, the “Who knew?” on everyone’s lips…

It’s not that I have grenades to lob, necessarily, only that they wouldn’t understand, would see my words as the ramblings of the blackest sheep, the one we thought we knew, that we never knew at all.

After all, they made up their minds long ago, who they were, who I am, and these minds will never change. Some can never change, it would mean the giving up of all they once knew, and not gonna go there, no way, no how.

So, what’s better, lob the bomb and watch the shrapnel fly? Or allow them to keep on going on with their false notion of who I am, of what it is. Is it worth it in the end? Probably not. Likely not. Nothing good to come of it, nothing at all. Simply the satisfaction of being me, of watching the chips fall, of confirming their judgment and lack of understanding. It is what it is. It has always been thus.

Far better to just go on being me, a me so different from them as to defy all of their imaginations. Perhaps my time is better spent trying to understand why I even want them to understand. Why such a need to be felt and understood? Who cares? I mean really. Just my own neurosis acting up again. Pat it back down until the next holiday. Pack it away again, stuff it in a stocking.

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Ramble: I’m Totally Spaghetti

Hello my lovely buds. Throat has been so sore. My voice is leaving me. I can’t wait for whatever this is to leave me. But today my mind has been very active and my spirit and soul are well. I am constantly having things pop into my head I want to jot down so I’ll probably be having some long posts for a bit. (The steroids are making my mind very active!)

To touch on another mindset that I felt was toxic (from my previous life) I want to talk a bit about confidence versus humility. I’ve worked so hard on myself these last ten years or so and have gone a long way towards healing a lot of bad gunk (toxic lessons) I felt that were either purposefully or inadvertently pounded into my head over the years, and realize this was my life experience I’m sharing, which includes church experiences and life experiences and a sum total of all of my experiences. 

I was, twenty years ago, a person with very limited confidence, and can at times feel that ghost over my shoulder. I like to shoo it away when that happens. One of the things that happens when you do the work on YOU is you begin to know yourself very well. Sometimes we have such a little sense of self that we cannot even tell ourselves what we are good at, what we excel at, without wincing. I used to always say things in a self-deprecating manner. There is a time and place for some of that, and it does seem to demonstrate modesty and humility, at least on the surface. But I believe it can feed negative thoughts and perceptions in your brain if done too often or in the wrong circumstance. It took me forever to just say “thank you” when someone would compliment me. I’d stammer and turn red, and try to explain why I wasn’t pretty or I wasn’t good at such-n-so at all. I’ve done some good work there.

I know what I’m good at and what I suck at. I don’t have near as much of an issue about taking a compliment, especially in an area where I feel secure about myself. I’m secure that I am an average (at least) good-looking woman. I have great hair. See? That didn’t kill me or anyone else. I know that I excel at writing. I may not be the best in the universe but I’m good at it and I don’t have a problem with saying it sometimes (if it comes up.) It is NOT (in my way of thinking) less than humble to know your strengths and weaknesses. I am certainly NOT as confident in every area of my life. (What’s that saying? Be brave enough to suck at something new), and that’s so true. 

Not being allowed to admit, even to myself, that I was a good person, or that I was good at anything was pretty devastating to my self-esteem. I did not feel allowed to do so, not by any of my experiences. It has taken me a bit to get over that. I am over it.

The times I do feel insecure are 1) around new people or large groups of people, especially ones I don’t know,  2) doing something new that I’m unsure I’ll be good at, and being afraid of someone calling me out for not being good at it.  (Nobody likes being called out for weaknesses or lack of talent.) And that touches on perfectionism, and I am a recovering perfectionist. Those are two that come easily to mind. I am getting better at sharing the “less than pretty” parts of me without worrying about the opinions of others. 

Vulnerability. It’s a thing.

I know that I have come out of being a teenager who craved attention so badly that I ended up being in some very bad and painful circumstances. I used to blame myself for that, but one learns to give oneself grace (or hopefully one does). I’ve long-since forgiven myself for anything I DID do, and have put the blame for people who hurt me squarely where it belongs. I know my own past, so I know that craving attention could be a trap for me. (I am a Leo, after all, at times, a self-confessed drama queen) so this is an area that I have to guard in myself carefully. I have learned to watch for the signs and catch myself out.

Am I bending too far to fit in with someone I do NOT even need to be around? And BOOM, you see where that connects directly to setting boundaries. I have to give myself the boundary of not going too far in a bad direction for the benefit of someone else, especially someone who may well not have my best interest at heart. I tend to be empathetic and I do care, so that leads sometimes to bending over backwards to let everyone have total access to me, and of course that can be a bad thing at times. It will WEAR YOU OUT. As an empath I do have to guard my energy (physical, emotional, spiritual) very closely. It’s why, if I do not connect with someone on some sort of deep level, or if someone is very against me or something I stand for (negative energy) I will get away from them quickly now. I finally learned to do that. Life-saving lesson.

Amazing how that connected up to what I was talking about on earlier posts. (Men are waffles and women are spaghetti, right? Cuz I’m totally spaghetti.)

Peace Out til the next installment!

🙂

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Pammy’s Blog/Ramble 1,254 April 23 20

Talk about having a lot of time to rant and ramble and navel gaze. Introspection has been my jam largely over the last 15 years and most especially the last four or five and now from the middle of a global pandemic. The following will be an amalgamation of my current thoughts, musings, and my overall health and well-being.

I’ve had lung mess off and on a lot, and was sick in the lungs and coughing for a full 2 years. Yes, literally. This 2 year time frame began to come to an end and I began to feel better around summer 2019. Since then my lungs had been amazing, super well, almost healthier than ever as I’d tightened down my already tight eating habits and had indeed dedicated my entire year 2019 to getting well and healthy. It had begun to work and I turned a corner.

Now, since February or so of this year, (when our allergy season begins here in Central Florida) I’ve had throat and lung mess off and on continually. I get super phlegmy, sometimes a sore throat, and then it will start to move into my lungs. Then it goes away and gets better. (I take some amazing immune support products and I know that I know that these have saved my life many times) but recently it just keeps coming and going repeatedly. I’ve not run a high fever and rarely a low grade one. May be related to EBV issues I’ve had, but whatever it is, it distresses me even more NOW because, of course, when you’re in the midst of a pandemic, every time you get sick you are faced with your own mortality and the possibility that this could be “it” and maybe I’ll die and maybe not and maybe I’ll get really, really sick and then get well, or maybe not.

That’s what I’m dealing with physically. Last 2 nights breathing a bit rough. No fever. Productive cough. Using inhaler.

On top of the physical, of course, I, like everyone, have been trying to deal with the mental, emotional, psychological distress, keep an eye on my spirit and soul and look after me.

Over the last several years, I’ve changed, a lot. I know that deep down I am more genuinely ME than I have ever been, but I have learned and am learning to have strong boundaries, and to say what I think and feel. I’ve done and am doing a lot of healing. I know that this looks like a hot mess to those around me, but I can’t care about that. I am getting really good at monitoring my emotional energy levels and protecting my empathic self. Protecting my soul, protecting me. It finally occurred to me after many years that I am the only one who truly can and should do this. I have to establish boundaries, I have to know and love me, and I don’t have to care what that looks like to anyone else.

I know that those few people that were a part of my life 20 years ago that still follow me in any way, are confused about who I am and what’s going on. Again, I can’t waste energy on that. I have a limited supply. For the most part I say and write things for my own “processing”. But if anyone who really knows, loves, and cares about me, maybe that small percentage of those who follow me that do–that follow me for more than pure entertainment value–will get something out of reading this junk I write. Ultimately, I do it for me, though.

I have been seeking my new “tribe” for a while now. I have to surround myself only with those who truly have my interest and my back, those that I truly connect with in some way NOW today, the person I am and am becoming. I have lost many friends, some who genuinely were friends and some that were acquaintances, but I have NEEDED to let them go and in some cases actually push them away. I am doing this for my own good and my own health.

I finally feel like I am beginning to find a new tribe. I have found that writers and artists, most especially those who are not overly religiously zealous, are making up a large part of it. But it is not mandatory that someone NOT be a religious person in order to be my friend, in fact, I have two particularly close friends that are still very into their Christian faith, but I find it harder and harder to relate to them or connect because that’s not where I’m at these days, and actually find a lot of “religiosity” and Christianeze to be highly annoying, (to be honest) but I always try to see a person’s heart and motivation. I understand the viewpoint of being deeply embedded in right-wing Christianity because I was there for many years of my life. 

But my life, my worldview, my belief systems have dramatically changed over fifteen or twenty years, and I fully understand that in a Christian perspective, this makes me lost, backslidden, and plain wrong. I do not believe that, not in any way or form. I am stronger, healthier (mentally and emotionally and spiritually) than I have ever been, regardless of how it looks to others. And no, I don’t need to explain it or justify it.

I am walking my own path and journey of growth, it’s nobody else’s. Don’t get it? Too bad. (Boundaries! Yay!)

I do not like to cut people out of my life but have done so and will continue to if I need to to protect myself from toxicity or even just to STOP feeling like people need me to stop and explain myself at every turn. I don’t need to.

I have a global worldview. I have friends that I chat with all over the world. Kind, loving, genuine people with large hearts and tons of love for others. When you open your heart to those that are different, you begin to grow and see things differently. I now know more about what I look for in a friend than I ever have. It’s not a common belief system or ideology always, but it is people who are real, vulnerable and genuine. I tend to have instant connections with such folk. It’s what I have always strived to be.

I thought it’d be fun to share some things about me, so you can know if we have points of connection or not, and if you want to move on, you can, or if I don’t connect with you, I can move on.

All the stuff I shared above (already revealed a lot about me)!

Also, I have been endeavoring to remove all masks and fakery from my life. I want you to see and know the real me. I’ve always strived for this but I’m getting better at it.

If you don’t know already, I’m a writer, poet, retired indie publisher and editor, philosopher of sorts, and very deep thinker. I’m a “wordy”. Only in recent years I’ve found a love for art, painting, art journaling and the like.

I love people. I also can’t tolerate being around many of them for very long. If I don’t connect on some sort of deep level, I move on.

I don’t like to lump people into “I hate this person, they’re the devil” kind of categories. That’s anger and hatred and I don’t need blind hatred in my life. I believe everyone (almost everyone) has some good in them and aren’t awful all the time. Me or you can be a jerk one day and do something wonderful the next. I do believe there is evil in the world but I think very few people are truly completely evil. (And many of them are sociopaths with psychological problems or brain malfunction, which doesn’t mean you shouldn’t stay away from them.) Noting of course that some people are so broken and damaged that they break and damage others.

So I’m drawn to people who are more sensible in this area.

I’m drawn to practicality, scientific fact, and a lack of deceit or true malice.

I’m very discerning and (usually) can spot a fraud a mile away. I remember even as a teen, laughing in people’s faces at some of the mess they would say to try to manipulate me. Not saying I cannot be manipulated but it would be harder with me than the average Jane.

I don’t have many friends because I don’t put up with crap. Period.

If I am your friend, like truly and deeply, I will become like an octopus on your face (hard to get rid of). Just joking, not at all stalkery but very loyal. I will defend you at every turn.

The opposite of stalkery, I will disappear for weeks or months at a time, but that’s because I am, at my heart, an introvert that enjoys my own company. (Except I’m getting sick of me during this pandemic.) I NEED downtime. I live largely in my head. The things I am most passionate about are the things I do alone, like write, paint, or draw.

If you are dishonest in the way of lying, cheating, stealing, stay far from me for both our sakes.

I will never intentionally hurt you (unless you draw first blood. Then look out.) I will defend my family like a fierce lion. (And sometimes my opinion.)

Okay, that’s enough about me. Tell me about you! (Something deep and real.)