Tag: spirituality

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How Did I Get Here? (Surprised by where I’ve ended up.)

If any of you have followed me or are a part of my circle of friends or family, this may mean more to you than others reading, but it may speak to someone else. I feel like I gotta give a quick recap, maybe let’s bullet point this.

*Was a Christian leader for like 20 plus years, full on into Christianty

*Became hurt and disillusioned when I realized some of the bizarre nonsense attached to boxed religion, could no longer connect the dots, I was called to–told to just throw it all out and start from the very beginning on my spiritual seeking journey–and did so. Left the church, gave up entirely on organized religion, and even for a while kind of gave up on the idea of having any kind of spiritual walk. Baby was out with the bathwater, I started from point ONE, from nothing. I began a 13 to 14 year journey to find myself, heal myself and then finally, FINALLY came around over the last year or so, to seeking heavily into my soul and spirituality once again, but it was so different this time. I knew ME. I was healed of the biggest issue I had in my life and could finally be open enough and healed enough to go back to a spiritual openness and seeking.

*Boom. In these last 6 months to a year I have had what a lot of people are having, and some for the very first time in their lives (for me it was not new but more of a continuation of my spiritual journey), talking about a spiritual awakening. The biggest one I have ever experienced, and I have been wrestling with God/Source/Spirituality since I was five and I am 59 today.

Those who have known me forever and have likely prayed for me incessantly will be thrilled (well maybe, as I still don’t consider my “faith” to be traditional, certainly my path has been anything but.) But I know my spiritual friends (of any or every faith) will be happy to know that my spirit and soul is alive and well and going through many, many changes.

I watch a ton of podcasts (again, not traditional, more Eastern or just spiritual awakening and awareness and consciousness kind of stuff) and I was hearing someone talk about the various stages or things one will go through in a spiritual awakening and I had to admit, surrender, confess that I am smack in the middle of an awakening. It is powerful, too. HOW did I get here????? Shifts. Another shift. And I hear people calling the collective shift we are experiencing “the Great Shift” so I know I am not alone in this. Millions of people, awakening.

For most of these last 12 years or so, I have been so against anything “religious” or programmatic, or “boxed.” I hate dogma and man-made doctrines and rules and those places where I have known from deep within that things were so messed up in the church. I have turned so far away from that, that I truly did not think I was even capable of any kind of real Faith or Spiritual life, because I had to go through years of purging myself of what I had been taught that was false. My view of God had been so skewed, and my deepest spirit and soul knew it, and it took me on this grand journey and adventure.

I’m so excited to see what Source does next, and I am continuing my journey, opening up my soul to new and greater spiritual gifts. I’ve let go of “what others think” so the sky is the limit on what is to come. My learning and growth journey continues…

 

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My Thoughts Today June 21, 2019

Had a great idea today, got it from watching NCIS. I’m thinking of doing a Dead President’s Journal. Let me explain:

It’s not really anything to do with whichever dead president you choose to write to, it’s about writing a letter to someone who will never get it, never read it, in fact you’ll never send it anywhere. It’s your journal, your diary. Sort of like having a dead Pen Pal. Writing TO someone appeals to me. I feel like I might write differently. Yet this person I can really dump on and they won’t mind. Yeah, I think I’m gonna do this.

My nails are too long and it’s making it hard to type. Time to trim.

I am sooo enjoying my art journaling class and love my teacher (and the guest teachers, too). I feel like it’s taking me to the next level in my art journey and this thrills me to no end. I may be finding my own style, my own groove, and damn, that’s a happy place.

I’ve been taking an all-natural immune system booster thingy that seems to be working well for me. I finally think I see a light at the end of the tunnel and may be getting my health back. I have no idea what to do with all the energy I will have if this continues to work well (see all my rants about having sinus infections and a cough for 17 months straight and the docs, 5 of them, saying, “We can’t give you any more steroids and antibiotics for this,” and I’m like Oh Crap), like, I actually convinced hubs to move out of state to see if it would fix my health and it is a bit better with that alone, but mostly I was still struggling, so this health thing is HUGE for me, I cannot even tell you. I may finally be able to take over the world… or at least handle my own.

As for deep spiritual and philosophical stuff, I can only say I continue on my journey, and find more truths daily. The thing I have also found is that, if you have an epiphany or find some nugget of truth, it doesn’t pay to try to share that with anyone who simply cannot be there at the same time with you. Some things really are best unsaid, unless or until you find the gems in your life who get it and can genuinely hear what you’re saying and even kinda understand it. Or, even if they don’t get IT, they kinda get You, and that alone is truly special. Love my gold nuggets, my fam and friends. My art and literary tribes have become super special to me. Artsy people tend to be a different sort; quirky, swirly, different, weird, twirly, crunchy, and wonderful. They are my truest peeps.

I see God weekly at the beach. Sitting and watching the pale whitish crabs pop up outta the sand and toss aside the dirt they just dug out, then look at me and blink their odd little eyes (that sit atop sticks outta their heads) entertains and thrills me like mad. The pelicans that live and play in our area are also quite entertaining. I love how they fly in formation, and if one falls behind, they will come back for him. I really love when they fly super high, then dive straight down into the water to catch a fish.

There are so may lessons in nature, and they don’t involve pulpits or country clubs. The crabs, the pelicans, they just live their lives. They ARE who they are, they just BE. They do what they were made to do.

(MS Word keeps telling me I ought not say “outta” and such things, but hey, this isn’t for a book, it’s just between us friends, so I’m gonna take off my “editor” cap and let it flow.)

Maybe the biggest/bestest thing I’ve learned in the past decade, is that I do not have to care a whit about what others think of me. I can just BE. Be me, just like the crabs and pelicans. Ya think the pelicans go up to the crabs and ask why they behave the way they do? I think not. Live and let live. You be you and I’ll be me. So liberating, so powerful. And to think I used to think it was some duty of mine to go out and change everyone else so that I might understand them better. It is to laugh.

So much of who and what we are is handed down to us, it’s learned behavior, tradition, family patterns, whatever. It’s so powerful to finally look at all of that objectively, to choose what fits me and discard the rest. Forty, or even ten years ago, I could never have imagined being able to do such a thing.

And so, I come back to this… I am good. That means I am well and happy. I have moments of pure joy, times of sadness or despair, aggravation, even depression at times, but all in all, it is truly well with my soul. Because I finally found ME. I now know who I am. And I love me. And that’s pretty all right.

 

 

 

 

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Things I Know (volume 4365)

 

As of today, May 3, 2019, these are conclusions I’ve come to.

 

  • The secret to life, the universe and everything is not just 42 (ask me if you don’t understand this reference) but is also CONNECTION.
    • I’ve come to realize that the only way to have peace on small levels (in the home) or large (on the world’s stage) is to find true loving connection with other humans. To be so well and confident in one’s self that you can truly relate, without baggage, to others, in a kind, loving, respectful manner. And then to take that love to its fullest level—unconditional and ever-lasting. This is so rare and I believe it is the one thing we are all continually searching for. We are all usually so messed up and broken that we find it hard to relate in a healthy manner to others. And if we manage to get ourselves well, it’s tough to find someone else that is well enough to receive such a love.
  • Although I’m still not sure about fate and destiny, I tend NOT to believe in it, but even so, I have found that, in looking back over my life, there are some truly amazing things that have come out of some tragic things, and I don’t know if this means that bad, sucky things are meant to be or that the universe loves redemption and bringing something good out of something bad. (This is a repetitive theme.) I DO NOT believe that bad, tragic things are God’s will.
  • Call it Karma or the law of sowing and reaping, but I have observed that hard work and perseverance pays off, almost every single time. I’ve yet to see every bad guy get their come-uppance, but I’d like to believe that happens, too. (But each of us is a “bad guy” in some way in someone else’s story… so I ought not wish harm on the bad guy. I’ll leave that to the Higher Power.)
  • I’ve been on a spiritual journey since age 7 when I found an old hymnal and would sing songs, making up my own tunes, to go with the words, many of which I did not understand. Many of which I still do not understand. But it drew me, the idea that there was a benevolent God who loved and cared for me. And so it all began.

 

I was a part of very right-wing evangelical fundamentalist theology for many years and have since “searched” my way out of that into a different place… after many years of study, research and struggle, I have “landed” in a place where I KNOW very little but, because of many of my experiences, I tend to believe in an Intelligent Creator, though that no longer looks the way it did. I have found many American traditional religions to be restrictive, manipulative, and cause people to have zero sense of themselves or a necessary self-love. Somehow many religions are very good at making people feel small and worthless and keeping them in line, telling them exactly how to believe and who to be. Now, I know many people would argue they didn’t get that message, but I did. I learned a lot in churches, I learned a ton of leadership skills, found a sense of community, and saw people love on each other, so I’m not saying it’s all bad or wrong. To each his/her own. But I likely will never be a part of an organized religion again. For me, breaking away has been liberating and has taught me to find healing, therapy, and help to get WELL and get my head on straight. It’s what it took for me, but no judgments. Again, to each his/her own. Do what works for you.

 

I don’t judge any religion harshly (except for any extremists that would advocate killing or hating others).

 

I KNOW very little these days, but I do know that restrictive religions are not for me. I will decide how to chase my God and live my life. I will never hand that power over to anyone or any organization again.

 

I believe all religions have humans and therefore have agendas that are not at all god-like. But that’s just me.

  • I know that I am ready and open for real, authentic and loving connections. I know I will meet the right people at the right time. I seek to have these kinds of relationships with my family first and then outward from there.
  • There is no friend like a friend who will sit and listen to you ramble and struggle, without judgment, who will sit with you in the dark places. I will call out my friend Laura as one who—though we disagree on some things theologically—will and has been there for me through many rough times. What a gem. I need more of that, and I wish it for you, too.
  • I know that I have dropped all of my masks. I think most people go through much or all of their lives (unintentionally) putting on different hats or masks for different people in their lives—spouse one, church one, family one, friends one…etc., but I no longer do that. I’ve always been a very “for real” person and I think I’ve brought that to its fullest extent by dropping all masks. I will be the same ME to anyone I relate to. If anyone doesn’t like it, that’s on them. It’s been such a powerful and empowering thing for me. I no longer live to please others, that’s not what I’m called to do, I don’t think anyone is. But I will always care about my family and hope they love me as I am. (Family includes those close inner-circle friends.)
  • If you don’t have your health (mental, emotional, spiritual, physical) you have nothing.

 

Two pages, and I’m spent for now. Until the next installment…. Who knows what I’ll have learned by then??? Love to you.

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Unmet Expectations: The Root of All Evil

 

Thinking a lot about expectations today. I once expected that all of my needs in every area would be met by my parents. They’d keep me full (physically and emotionally) and make sure I had all that I needed. I had pretty good parents, (certainly as compared to some I’ve heard about). So by and large, those needs were met pretty well. Sure, I got mad or upset with them, but they did the best they could.

As a pre-teen and into my teens, I think I transferred those expectations to boys. If I met the right boy, it would make me feel wonderful and fulfilled and all would be well.

When I was a child, as well as when I got closer to adulthood, I began to seek out the meaning of life; to understand religion and all things philosophical, and for a long while felt fulfilled following religion. But there were times, I fell hard. I would realize that people in churches were also human and fallible. Religions were man-made and far from problem-free.

My expectation was that having faith would totally fulfill me and perfect my life. Logically, I always knew this wasn’t so, that nobody is perfect, and even faith itself is not perfect. But many, myself included, at times in my life, have found great pleasure and fulfillment in church communities, gathering with other people who were at least somewhat like-minded, looking to something above and beyond ourselves for answers. It was, in a measure, fulfilling. At least I could feel as though I was being and doing everything I was supposed to do and be. Or, I thought so at the time. There is something true and real in seeking out the un-understandable; at least for me, there has been. I used to think I had a handle on some things. My ducks were in a row, my boxes were secure and ticked.

My view of God and of spirituality is totally different now. If only I could relate this eloquently and in a manner others could understand, but I’ve tried, and I can’t. I’m letting it go, (the need for others to understand).

Spirituality is a lifelong process, I know that now. To grow in every area, you must be willing to change, to take what the Creator brings your way. I’ve had to learn to grow through things, not shut down. My faith looks nothing like it did twenty years ago, or even ten, and I’m convinced that’s by design.

I expected as an adult to have a long, healthy life; particularly once I began to figure out how to eat better, exercise and take care of myself. This is another expectation that isn’t necessarily reliable. Nobody knows how many days or years they have on this planet. At least nobody on this side of the divide.

I expected that 2 and 2 would always equal 4. That things were always black and white, that things would always make sense. I have now acknowledged the gray.

I never expected that I’d have auto-immune disease, or any of many other things I’ve dealt with and deal with daily.

I never expected to get old. This is a tough one, because everyone knows they will age, yet somehow, we’re never really ready for it when it comes. In my twenties and thirties, I probably would’ve said that being in my fifties felt like it was a million years away and unfathomable; yet here I am. A grandmother several times over.

Some expectations have been met, and some things are far better than even I imagined. I have an amazing life partner and husband, three beautiful and amazing grown kids. I have a truly wonderful life.

And I still feel myself setting up expectations in areas of my life that blow up in my face.

My husband isn’t responsible for my happiness or fulfillment. That was a big lesson to learn. I enjoyed the tear-jerking, earth-shattering, unbelievably blessed years and moments of raising kids, but ultimately, I can’t lay my happiness at their feet or at the feet of “family.”

I know some truly unique and loving people, friends. Can’t lay my expectations there, either. People often end up being (shock) very human in the end. I’m learning to let them be.

I’ve learned that happiness, joy, fulfillment, it only comes from the inside out. It isn’t about the outer, it’s about the inner.

And the journey led right back to me.

I now know I should keep my expectations right where they belong; in check. Right here at my feet, at my door. God and the universe does their thing and I do mine. Everyone else does theirs.

Ultimately, I have zero control over most things. I make decisions and deal with the consequences. And when life doesn’t go as planned, and expectations aren’t met, I come back to this; God and the universe does their thing and I do mine. Everyone else does theirs.

That’s just the way it goes. And that’s okay.