Tag: self-care

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Profoundly Human (a blog)

I just enjoyed the Broadway play Hamilton (currently on the Disney channel.) If you haven’t seen it and you’re a person who enjoys plays, I highly recommend it. It educates as it entertains. As usual, it stirred me up, got me thinking about a lot of things.

There’s a line about Legacy (how it’s planting seeds in a garden you’ll never see) and if that isn’t profound, I don’t know what is. Makes ya think about who you are, how others you care about see you, what lessons they are learning (good or bad) from watching you.

By and large the last few years have been primarily about me. Yes, I say that with a totally straight face, no shame attached. I have learned how important fixing yourself is, giving care where it is needed, even seeking help when necessary to get yourself sorted. You’ll never live your “best life” or “be all you can be” if you’re stuck in the mire of your own past.

That said, it can feel, well, overwhelming at the least, to live your life every day thinking about how others perceive you. Cuz we don’t (or shouldn’t) live to please others. We need to be fully whole and fully who we were meant to be, without requiring their validation. And of course, while also doing our best to care for those around us and look out for them as well as ourselves.

We’ve been taught to pour ourselves out in service to others. Sounds good. Noble. Righteous.

BUT. I’ve learned that our love and care should always start with our own hearts, spirits, bodies, and souls. Life on planet Earth is a war, a fight. And we cannot fight if we are not healthy. We cannot fight for ourselves or others, if we are worn down, broken, frazzled, stressed and all manner of messed up. One of the things I’ve been screaming for a while now, is simply this: Self-care is NOT selfish. It is indeed mandatory.

My best and most favorite job I’ve ever had was raising kids, albeit an often thankless and difficult job, one where you’re paid in hugs and kisses (and sometimes snot being wiped onto your clothes and loads of attitude.) I’ve blogged in the past about some of the other jobs I’ve had in my life, and there were many at various times. 

There is no paycheck for parenting and none would suffice. There’s also a ton of good, wonderful, indescribably poignant good, the kind you can’t really explain to those who are not parents. My kids were my priority for so long, and it was hard when they grew up. For the first time I had TIME to worry about me. Cuz, by and large, you don’t when you’re raising kids. 

I learned a hard work ethic from my parents. A job worth doing is worth doing well. To be lazy or even thought of as lazy, was like the Cardinal Sin in our household, and my parents were always hard-working folk. For a gal who seemed born with a messed up immune system, chronic illness and fatigue, this seemed extra daunting. But I always endeavored to dig deep down and find every ounce of my strength and energy for anything I worked at, (and part of my self-care has been trying to get to the bottom of my health issues, so I can be stronger and better with each passing year.)  All of this, wanting to be good, be strong, NOT be seen as lazy, played into my perfectionism. I exhausted myself trying to live up to the expectations of others. But isn’t this just being human? Perhaps.

One day I woke up and I was in my fifties and it would be easy to give up, to think my best days are behind me, that things will never change for me, blah blah blah. I dedicated the entire year of 2019 to chasing my health HARD and fast. I made some strides and in every arena.  I’ve worked on my spirit, on digging out hard truths about me and for me. I’ve sought out healing in many areas. Found some latent diseases (like EBV and auto-immune issues) that were affecting me in negative ways. I have learned and I’m still learning what role DNA plays in who we are, and also, and surprisingly, how trauma and all that stuff that happens to us throughout our lives, can and does absolutely affect our physical health as well as our mental and emotional well-being.

It’s been quite a journey. And just when I began to feel really good, to have more energy, to feel a bit “on top” again, along came Covid-19. Isn’t that just the way life is? Always a fight, a war of some sort.

And so, now, here I am. Thinking about Legacy. Thinking about the garden I’m planting that I will never see. It’s daunting, to say the least.

I’m now at a place where I am having to yank myself up and out (of myself) a bit, and try to re-enter the world, which is made incredibly more difficult during a global pandemic, a time of isolation. I find myself getting lost in fiction worlds, books, TV binges… there’s not much else.

But who or what am I now? I guess that’s the 64-thousand dollar question. I always thought I’d be absolutely and utterly content to completely retire and do nothing, Turns out, I’m not great at it.

I have my routines, I have my writing (and trying to figure out which way I want to go in the future with that), I blog, I write poetry. I started a new novel back before the Outbreak, and haven’t touched it since. Will I get back to it?? I think I want to do another poetry collection as poetry and blogs seem to be what I write the most these days.

I have my art journaling lessons, my acrylic painting on canvas (which I have not done a ton of in recent months). And I do a ton of drawing. I came to art later in life so I put a LOT of hours in, just practicing. I’m filling notebook after notebook with sketches and journal entries. Wearing down pencil after pencil.

I felt an odd kinship with Alexander Hamilton (the play) in that he was an avid, almost obsessive writer. He was very intense in his passions and his opinions. I related to that… a lot. He wanted to leave a legacy. He wanted to make his life matter. In the end, his story ended up being a story of a REAL and quite fallible human. 

That got me thinking about how we are all so imperfect. So flawed. But we keep going. 

King David from the Bible, hell, every man who has ever been held up as great, they’ve all had that in common… humanity. Flawed. Imperfect.  And I’ve come to believe that it is just life. Striving for perfectionism is nothing but vanity. Do we seek to prove that WE might be the ONE who actually gets it right? It is to laugh.

Anyway, a really good writer would wrap this all up with a profound red bow, something that ties it all together and delivers a PUNCH of truth.

But all I’ve got is this.

Human. We are human. We are growing and evolving and struggling and trying and failing, and profoundly human.

And I will continue my fight while trying to be perhaps a bit more aware of the seeds I’m sowing today. I will speak my truth to encourage others to do the same. I will love and forgive to encourage others to do the same. And I will do what I do, until I can do it no more.

That’s all I can do.

Peace Out, my friends. 

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Precious Peace

Just chilling out today, went over to the beach for the first time since… a few days before lockdown in March. Ohmigoodness it was heaven. The sound of the waves and the wind was incredibly peaceful and good for my very soul.

Last night I kept “writing” an article or part of a future book in my head as I was trying to sleep and hate when that happens so much. They say, “get up and write it down before you lose it” which is great advice but I was just too tired. Now I’m trying to remember it all. Ah, such is a writer’s life I suppose.

I’m about 80% sure I’ll be writing a non-fiction book about life, my life, and boundaries in the near future. I have a lot to say. (I don’t know if anyone will care, but as we writers say, if it’s in you get it out!) It’s the only way to quiet my brain, get it all out and down.

This last week or so has been so peaceful. Best thing I ever did was back off the Facebook some, and even more than that, blocking and unfollowing people that stress me out constantly. I’ve been able to focus in on self-care and surround myself with people that think even a little bit more like me. It feels like a huge sigh. Trying to let my shoulders come back down where they belong instead of up around my ears all the time. Peace. Precious peace. I love it, crave it, can’t live without it.

Interesting to me how different people find their peace, and from what I’ve observed, many never do. Once you taste it though, you will have to make it a priority in your life. Unfortunately, it often requires- (you guessed it), firm boundaries around yourself and your life. Until I began to have boundaries for myself, I never understood fully how many people don’t have them, and have convinced themselves, (or someone else has convinced them) that it’s somehow wrong or sinful or mean to set rules around your life, to put the fence up. You’ll fence your yard but won’t protect your own heart and life. Stinky thinking.

Self-care is a bad word (or phrase) among many communities and people groups. “Thinking about yourself first is selfish.”

Wrong.

It’s absolutely necessary. If you are not whole and good and well, you are of no use to anyone else anyway. Or worse, you’re doing damage to them, or they’re doing damage to you, (and you’re letting them, because you’re NICE.) One thing I have learned is that the people who truly love and value you in your life will absolutely mind your boundaries and stay in your life and often respect you more for it. (Or, the ones who decide to go, you must let them go.) And some will. And some you will ask to leave, and that’s OKAY.

People will treat you exactly how you allow them to.

Just had to bold that one. Crucial.

The falsehood that we have to put up with being treated badly is one that has been perpetuated since the beginning of time. So many are treated as if they are worthless or simply worth less than others. And they’ve been treated that way for so long, they believe it and accept that it’s true. If you don’t value you, how can you expect anyone else to?? If you don’t know and understand your worth, you’ll never convince anyone else of it.

A boundary is simply saying, “No. You may come this far and no further. You may not come into my inner circle and criticize me or put me down or hurt me.” I was certainly one that never learned this as a child, and many weren’t and still aren’t being taught that it is okay and even necessary to say No sometimes. Children are taught to always listen to and obey adults. In my parent’s generation, it was taught in order to teach children respect. Respect is a very good thing. But in today’s world, we absolutely cannot allow our children out into the world without the skills to do everything they can to protect themselves. We have to do better at teaching and training them to recognize bad or wrong behavior, something or someone that feels “off” often is.

Many, if not most of us, could tell stories of times adults (other than our parents, or in some cases, it is the parents), such as a teacher or scout leader or someone in authority over us- treated us in an unacceptable way. We were also taught that you obey your teachers, elders always, upon fear of death. (Not literally, but you get the idea.) These falsehoods we are taught as children are the beginning of teaching us that we have no power or control over ourselves, our bodies, what happens to us. We’re not to stand up for ourselves or others. Always be kind, behave, be polite, be respectful. Well, yeah, most of the time, but certainly not always. There are times for a loud “No!” It’s necessary for proper health and safety.

In the last several years, I am learning to more automatically bring those walls up, (yes, some walls are good). For someone as sensitive and empathic and empathetic as I am, they have quite literally saved me.

Who gets in and who doesn’t? Well, that’s the question, isn’t it? And the answer will be different for each individual person. For me, anyone who is disrespecting me or putting me down, automatically gets the eject button and the walls are up. Anyone who would try to mock or shame me is out. Making fun-nope. Talking down to-Nope. Mansplaining, NO! Misogyny? No, no, Hell no. Go away, far, far away. I know who I am, I know what I deserve. I know what I will and will not allow into my life. Period.

That, my friends, is having boundaries. Let’s talk more about it.

Elbow rubs and blown kisses to you today, my loves. Peace Out!

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April 30 blog on Covid 19 and life in general

Good morning, world. I’m doing a lot of blogging these days, I guess because of feeling so very isolated. It helps, somehow. Even if nobody reads it, it helps to get things down and out of the head and heart.

Some days I’m a confident queen, sure of myself and all that I am and where I’m going and some days I find myself with more doubt and fear. I suppose that’s normal and happens to everyone. Sometimes I think it’s my own perfectionistic ways that make me feel like I have to be on top every single day, flying high. I know this isn’t true. Some days I need to allow myself to hide under the covers and rest and heal and not worry about much.

My illness seems to have cleared, only the mildest of coughs left. I have to say that the feeling of an elephant on my chest was the worst I ever remember experiencing and I’ve had lung mess off and on throughout my life. I’m so pleased it’s gone away. Now it’s all about watching what happens with the world at large with the virus. Our governor was on TV last night discussing Phase One of trying to get back to normal. He is being more conservative than in Georgia and other states, so right now is a time to wait and watch for me. At this point in the pandemic, I am finding it in myself to have grace with people doing whatever they need to do. If they feel like a healthy person that is not at high risk and feel the need to go to the salon or the beach or go eat outside at a beach restaurant, I’m gonna keep my mouth closed and my eyes open. At some point, we will all have to step back out, so to each their own.

I do consider myself high risk and have already been sick but don’t know for sure if our bodies will properly build any immunity on their own. For this reason I choose to be more cautious than others might.

For the first time, yesterday and today, I feel like we can see the light at the end of this. That tomorrow will come and life will get back to normal and that maybe it will not take a year or more. It feels like a huge sigh throughout my entire body. And still I am in wait-n-see mode over the next couple weeks and months. I still need to protect myself from “high drama” so that will continue. Anyone making me crazy will be unfollowed.

Today is not so “go, go, go! Conquer the world!” with my mental state but more a self-care day where I look out for the mental and emotional wellbeing of myself and my hubs. And this is fine with me. I’m going to try to get in some exercise and some sun today as our pollen count is supposed to be low for the first time in a long while.

If you’re reading this, I hope you have an amazing day full of light and grace and love and wellbeing. Take care of yourselves. 

Peace Out

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My Thoughts Today June 21, 2019

Had a great idea today, got it from watching NCIS. I’m thinking of doing a Dead President’s Journal. Let me explain:

It’s not really anything to do with whichever dead president you choose to write to, it’s about writing a letter to someone who will never get it, never read it, in fact you’ll never send it anywhere. It’s your journal, your diary. Sort of like having a dead Pen Pal. Writing TO someone appeals to me. I feel like I might write differently. Yet this person I can really dump on and they won’t mind. Yeah, I think I’m gonna do this.

My nails are too long and it’s making it hard to type. Time to trim.

I am sooo enjoying my art journaling class and love my teacher (and the guest teachers, too). I feel like it’s taking me to the next level in my art journey and this thrills me to no end. I may be finding my own style, my own groove, and damn, that’s a happy place.

I’ve been taking an all-natural immune system booster thingy that seems to be working well for me. I finally think I see a light at the end of the tunnel and may be getting my health back. I have no idea what to do with all the energy I will have if this continues to work well (see all my rants about having sinus infections and a cough for 17 months straight and the docs, 5 of them, saying, “We can’t give you any more steroids and antibiotics for this,” and I’m like Oh Crap), like, I actually convinced hubs to move out of state to see if it would fix my health and it is a bit better with that alone, but mostly I was still struggling, so this health thing is HUGE for me, I cannot even tell you. I may finally be able to take over the world… or at least handle my own.

As for deep spiritual and philosophical stuff, I can only say I continue on my journey, and find more truths daily. The thing I have also found is that, if you have an epiphany or find some nugget of truth, it doesn’t pay to try to share that with anyone who simply cannot be there at the same time with you. Some things really are best unsaid, unless or until you find the gems in your life who get it and can genuinely hear what you’re saying and even kinda understand it. Or, even if they don’t get IT, they kinda get You, and that alone is truly special. Love my gold nuggets, my fam and friends. My art and literary tribes have become super special to me. Artsy people tend to be a different sort; quirky, swirly, different, weird, twirly, crunchy, and wonderful. They are my truest peeps.

I see God weekly at the beach. Sitting and watching the pale whitish crabs pop up outta the sand and toss aside the dirt they just dug out, then look at me and blink their odd little eyes (that sit atop sticks outta their heads) entertains and thrills me like mad. The pelicans that live and play in our area are also quite entertaining. I love how they fly in formation, and if one falls behind, they will come back for him. I really love when they fly super high, then dive straight down into the water to catch a fish.

There are so may lessons in nature, and they don’t involve pulpits or country clubs. The crabs, the pelicans, they just live their lives. They ARE who they are, they just BE. They do what they were made to do.

(MS Word keeps telling me I ought not say “outta” and such things, but hey, this isn’t for a book, it’s just between us friends, so I’m gonna take off my “editor” cap and let it flow.)

Maybe the biggest/bestest thing I’ve learned in the past decade, is that I do not have to care a whit about what others think of me. I can just BE. Be me, just like the crabs and pelicans. Ya think the pelicans go up to the crabs and ask why they behave the way they do? I think not. Live and let live. You be you and I’ll be me. So liberating, so powerful. And to think I used to think it was some duty of mine to go out and change everyone else so that I might understand them better. It is to laugh.

So much of who and what we are is handed down to us, it’s learned behavior, tradition, family patterns, whatever. It’s so powerful to finally look at all of that objectively, to choose what fits me and discard the rest. Forty, or even ten years ago, I could never have imagined being able to do such a thing.

And so, I come back to this… I am good. That means I am well and happy. I have moments of pure joy, times of sadness or despair, aggravation, even depression at times, but all in all, it is truly well with my soul. Because I finally found ME. I now know who I am. And I love me. And that’s pretty all right.