relationships – Pamela Swyers

I wrote a poem about this that is published in the book Heart of Courage but I wanted to talk a bit about this subject, as it is definitely something that defines who I am and it’s something I deal with every day. The idea that, if or when you decide to love someone fully, go “all-in,” you do it knowing full well that, (unless by some twist of fate, you die before everyone else you love), that you will one day experience excruciating, mind-altering, life-changing, gut-wrenching pain. I’ve run from this my whole life in one way or another.

I think I’ve been trying to prepare myself for my parents deaths my entire life, (or from the time I learned of death). Not to go all Sylvia Plath, but for a sensitive like me, learning about and trying to grasp death, and not just your own, but dealing with the deaths of loved ones, well, it’s a daunting prospect. Maybe, even, it is part of why I moved far away from my hometown and put down roots elsewhere. (Deep self-analysis going on here.)

I’ve never had a 30-plus year relationship with anyone before, so there was a time when, after five or seven years with my hubs, I began to get antsy and restless. Noting that I thought I was “all-in” when I married him, there still came a time when that restlessness kicked in. I’ll never forget that time of my life. I really began to struggle, because I knew in my heart that I loved my husband, but trying to shove down my natural inclination to bolt after the new wore off (which I had done my whole life) was difficult. It was one of the very few, and the most powerful and life-changing time, I felt God or the Universe or something deep and profound, speak directly to me. It basically said, “If you leave him, you will cause your sons more unbearable pain, (they had already been through my divorce from their father), your daughter will suffer greatly and will be changed forever. You’ll destroy your husband, a good man who loves you profoundly. Your own life will be a series of failed relationship after failed relationship, leaving an earthquake of damage behind you, everywhere you go.” Something like that. (I was literally shown a mental picture of the flux-capacitor from Back to the Future. If you don’t know what that is, just picture a huge fork in the road.)

I had a good cry, and still knowing I was messed up inside, I made the conscious choice to stay and truly commit and make it work.

All of that to get to the point, that I am so afraid of being left/hurt/broken by others, that I tend to bolt. This has affected every single relationship in my life. Family, friends, boyfriends, husbands… you name it.

Back when I made that decision to stay, it seemed to come with a promise. A promise that my life would go much better and easier, if I just made the right choice then and there. I do believe that has been the case. My life has not been perfect since then, and like anyone’s marriage, ours has had its ups and downs, but I can honestly say that we are better today than we have ever been.

I’m an “over-communicator’ and if you know me much, you know this. I have made sure that he and I have open lines of communication, even though I often have to take hours or days to really dig out of him what is on his mind. (He, like a lot of men, is not an over-communicator.) But we are so close. On our 20th (I think it was) we were asked at a restaurant if we were newlyweds. The waitress had noticed how we smiled and laughed together and held hands across the table. (We still do this. It’s sickening, really.)

My point is, every month, every year, I go more and more “all in” with my hubs. Because I am learning more and more every day how to be whole and healed, which helps me learn how to commit and love just a little more, a bit deeper.

This scares the ever-loving shit out of me.

Unless I go first, I will experience the worst pain ever, if he leaves me or passes away. It will ruin me, I know this. I know it because I have never known love like this before, but I’ve been hurt badly by people I cared about, and I know this kind of pain will blow all of that away.

This is scarier than anything else in my life. I don’t want to know that pain, but it is absolutely part of going all-in. Love is amazing, but sometimes Love Hurts. Intentionally or not. Putting your heart fully out there is opening yourself up to immense pain. I still haven’t perfected it. But I am committed to trying. The only other relationship I know that compares is my love for my kids and grands. A couple super-close friends.

But I have spent years perfecting the “dine – and – dash” of relationships. Most recently (since I’ve been married) I’ve been doing it with friendships. I’ve been a very sucky bad friend. I’ve at times avoided people I care about. I’ve even seemed to be pushing them away. This year I realized this a bit more, because, well, I am continually working on me.

If you are a friend that felt any connection with me and have been hurt by me pushing you away, I want to apologize. I’ve been a scaredy-cat. I’m afraid of being hurt, so I hurt others first, even though it took me some time to realize it. I don’t want to be that person.

And, of course, that said, there are a very few people I have pushed away absolutely on purpose (boundaries) and this is usually men who are misogynists or anyone that I feel I just do not connect with and we are just too different. I don’t have time or energy left to try to explain to someone wanting to be my friend, why I am the way I am on a daily basis, so, often times, I just cut off that relationship, be at peace. Go find someone more like you, if that is what you need. (That’s a very small few.)

Yeah, Love Hurts, and sometimes stinks, like the song says. I love people. I don’t always like them. They don’t always like me. I am so cool with that. Not gonna change me so that you can like me, but I am going to try harder to be kinder and gentler and friendlier to those I do genuinely connect with. I’m fighting my own demons over here, so please be patient. I’m learning.

The book Heart of Courage is available on Amazon-you can search my name to find it. It was written by myself and three other amazing poets from around the country: Nicholas Trandahl, Fiona Summerville, and Kelsi Rose. Pick it up if you have a mind to.

Peace Out

I married at a very young age, (I’d just turned 18) and I really wanted to get out on my own. That marriage lasted seven years and we had 2 children together. It was tumultuous, pretty much the whole time. After he and I split up and I met and married my main man now (we’ve been married over 30 years), we have a totally different kind of relationship. (We had our daughter together, 3 kids total.) Without getting into too many personal details of the first marriage, I want to share some things I learned TO DO and some things I learned NOT to do.

I’ve found that it is uber important to be friends with your mate. I was at first in the first marriage, but, due to (primarily) myself being so young and both of us growing and changing, it changed the dynamic of that friendship, which was at the core of the relationship as a whole. Once we no longer shared core values, shared interests, or even thought at all alike, things began to break down.

I firmly believe now (and I didn’t when I was a young thing) that finding chemical, physical reaction and attraction with someone is as easy as going shopping for a pair of jeans. I now know that sexual attraction and love are two very, VERY different animals.

When we’re young we have a very idealized, almost fairy tale notion, (maybe more so females, but not always), of what love is, what it looks like, how to get it. Disney has done us no favors here.

We think that at a certain age or time of life, BOOM we’ll just meet “the one” and that will be it, and happily ever after. Anyone over the age of fifty probably has figured out that this is not true in the real world.

One thing I find so toxic in a church environment is the idea that, if you are married and in the church, you are expected to have a somewhat perfect marriage, and if you don’t, and you seek counsel, you will be told to pray more and many scriptures will be bandied around, most of which offer zero real PRACTICAL help. By far, most pastors and church leaders have zero psychological training whatsoever and don’t understand human behavior in the least, let alone how to tell someone to save their marriage. My first husband and I once got pastoral advice that was so bad and so wrong and I wish I could tell you here what it was, but I can’t share it here. It had to do with our physical relationship and not anything at all of any substance. I left there so disillusioned and disappointed.

Often the church “way” is to tell the wife she needs to be more quiet and submissive, too, and I don’t probably have to tell you what I think of that advice.

So whether you would seek counsel and where you seek it from is HUGE.

I’ve learned a ton about marriage and love sharing about it, especially because I know what I know from personal observation, the reading of many books, but most importantly, from personal experience.

I do not believe a relationship where the two involved are not the best of friends (in an environment of love, communication, and mutual respect) will ever work. Period.

At some point the chemistry thing starts to take a back seat to the responsibilities and stresses of day to day life. It isn’t necessarily that the spark is forever gone, but it can certainly feel that way. Once that happens, what do you have left? What’s underneath? That is the 18 million-dollar question.

If you cannot sit down with your partner and discuss openly what’s on your mind, give it up. It’s already over. Communication is the biggest thing (next to friendship and respect) that will keep your relationship alive. Read that paragraph again. Make a poster and hang it somewhere. It is a profound truth.

Once you cross a line of disrespectful behavior (and I mean name-calling, abusive behavior and sometimes even physically or sexually abusive behaviour), it’s over, or at least it should be. Walk out. Get out now.

Unfortunately, many people have come up in homes where this behaviour is considered acceptable and normal. Don’t believe it. You CAN have a good, quality relationship where respect is both earned and demanded. Where it is mutual, where boundaries are observed.

I’m not talking about a surface-y “Ozzie & Harriett” marriage (look it up, young people), that just looks good on the outside where everyone smiles and speaks softly and has dinner at the table together every night, that’s actually quite rare, especially these days. Where nobody ever raises their voice and the children are perfectly behaved little angels and mom and dad don’t drink or cuss or ever do anything wrong. That certainly is nowhere near what most families experience.

I think that knowing and loving yourself well before entering into any marriage or seriously committed relationship is so key. KNOW that you are worthy of respect and dignity. ALWAYS.

Know that you do not have to be treated like crap and you can do life alone and find yourself and be strong if that’s what it takes to be safe and healthy and mentally, emotionally, and physically well. YOU DESERVE A QUALITY person. Know it and believe it. Don’t lower your standards to someone who only looks good or only wants you when it’s convenient for them. Look for the “deep” and the real in anyone you hang out with.

I’m reading a great book called Women Who Run With the Wolves, and in it they discuss how young, naive women can sometimes cover up or ignore that inner voice that would normally scream, “Predatory male! Alert! Get away!” and they ignore that voice and justify it away because of their fairy-tale ideas of love and relationship. They want someone so badly that they totally ignore all of the warning signs. (Come on, we’ve all seen this, right? Some of us have LIVED this.)

That’s a really great argument for NOT getting married young, chasing your dreams for a few years first and truly figuring out who you are and what you want out of a mate. Learning NOT to stifle that voice of “sense” I believe most of us have or would have or did have, if we did not shove it away.

So, friendship, giving and demanding respect, and communication. That does NOT mean that you won’t each at times lose your temper or get upset or cry or whatever, but early on in every relationship there should be boundaries set, rules of play, if you will. Lines that do not get crossed. Respect is such a thing for me that I would live in a box under a bridge before I’d live with someone who continually and purposefully disrespected me, be it name-calling, or abuse of any kind. I’m better than that. I don’t deserve that. You’re better than that, too. You deserve the best.

Learn to know yourself well enough to communicate and if your partner does not communicate, he or she will have to learn to, or you may as well go home, thank you for playing. Some things you just cannot do without in a loving, lasting relationship. It doesn’t work, and the stats are out there to back me up on this.

I believe nearly every relationship COULD be saved, IF both parties wanted it saved and both were equally willing to put in the work. If they’re not, it won’t be saved. Period. The only alternative is staying in a highly dysfunctional relationship for years or your whole life and being miserable, settling for less than what you want,need, and deserve.

(I did meet the right and best person for me, and you will, too.) Remember that if all you’re looking for is sex, that’s easy-peasy. Attraction is a dime a dozen. If you want real relationship, look for the signs that it may be possible with someone. Do not settle. If it’s broken, fix it. And to be alone is better than to be with the wrong person.

I hope some or any of this is helpful to someone or maybe there is someone you know that could use some of this good stuff. Pass it on.

*The book I mentioned is by Clarissa Penkola Estes, PhD

Feel free to email me if you ever want more tips on what makes a marriage great (or any committed relationship). I’d be glad to try to help.

Pammy

Tag: relationships

Love Hurts. (Yeah, yeah.)

What over 30 years of marriage has taught me about love, marriage, and relationships. (Tips for all!)