Tag: love

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More Rants & Rambles

Just a thought.

I was thinking about perspective. I once saw the world through a hole the size of a marble, like a peephole in a door. Many years and experiences later I see it through a hole the size of a globe. I’m glad that I do, but the struggle I have is being around those who seem to still look through a peephole. I don’t know why it bugs me so bad, and why I can’t let it be. This is my struggle. To find peace and acceptance with people of other perspectives, especially when I see their perspective as tiny and narrow. Oh so limited. I want to drag them to my door and show them my view, for it is full of light, life and love. But I cannot.

I cannot.

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I Reject That (Plus Big Love)

Hello! (Blog May 18, 2019 on love, healing, our lenses, etc) AKA “I Reject That”

 

So today hubs and I were having another of our many discussions on political mess, hot points, how people view the world, and oh-so-many things. I’ve had a big blog brewing inside of me this week. So here goes.

We were discussing big government versus small (we do this a lot), and also the Republican vs the Democratic views on each, and let me tell you about the drum I’ve been banging for some time now.

We’ve been taught very efficiently for generations now, and in one way or another, always, HOW to view the world. We’ve been asked to choose our boxes (lenses through which we see the world & ways in which we define ourselves and label others). Few tend to realize this or think about it overly much, we plod on in our daily lives, trying to get by, be happy, raise kids, etc. Who has time for deep thinking or getting a new perspective? Sometimes there is a benefit in being forced into seasons of stillness. You get to think of things in a broader way, look at the big picture (everyone on planet earth) rather than just your little cocooned world.

We were discussing how homeless people are reviled; the “get a job, you loser” mindset vs the person who buys a homeless person a meal, that kinda thing. I’ve been told by people closest to me never to give people money. I reject that. I am a wise, old, smart woman nowadays. I have some discernment. I don’t go around throwing money at everyone I see, but I do follow the spirit and soul inside me that often prompts me to do something when I see a need. Sometimes that’s reaching into my wallet and giving someone $20 and sometimes it is silent prayers or kind thoughts, and sometimes I just don’t know what to do, but listen, I have empathy. I know that, as the Christians say, “There but for the grace of God go I.” (That gets conveniently thrown out at times.)

I know that we are a handful of paychecks from being homeless ourselves. We all are– (unless you happen to have 6 or 7 figures in a savings account, and if you do, good for you, but help others with your money)– so very close to being in trouble. Illness, job loss, any number of things can and do happen. Many churches teach the “they’ll just spend it on booze and drugs” mindset. I reject that. You don’t know that. I don’t know that. Nobody but their higher power knows what they’ll do with the $20 I give them, and I’ll go further and say, I don’t even care. Once I’ve made up my mind that I’m supposed to help someone, it’s my job ONLY to follow that prompting. What they do with it is up to them. They’ll no longer be able to piss and moan that they are hungry cuz they had their chance. But we are taught “Do as I tell You” by people and organizations and not taught to follow your soul and spirit promptings and intuition and heart.

Republican and often Christian or conservative lens or mindset: You deserve the life you have, you didn’t work hard enough, you’re a druggie and a conman. (Talk about judgey! Who died and made you a demi-god?)

Democratic/liberal/hippie mindset often: ( I am pigeon-holing here to prove a point) Oh my! What happened? How are you? Tell me your story. Can I buy you some food or take you to a shelter?

I know there is crossover here, because, exactly my point, we ought not be defined by labels and boxes and allow ourselves to be lumped in like this. But MOST times, each of us will gravitate toward one way of thinking or another.) Why? We’re taught to. Absolutely. All of the people in my scenario here are basically good people and they are convinced they are right. Loving people, people who have kids and don’t even abuse them. Good hearts. But if they don’t fit in our “box” or labeled group that we identify with, we call them evil. If you’re not like me you’re evil.

I reject that.

I refuse to be a Republican or a Democrat but I will be a loving human.

I do come from a very unique perspective, in that—I grew up in a conservative Republican home with parents who, at that time, were not Christians, but we kids jokingly called them Ozzie and Harriet. Good, good people, still are. But they, like everyone, had signed up to a box or lens, to a group that told them, “You don’t have to think for yourself, I got this. I’ll tell you what to think, I’ll skew your thinking, I’ll manipulate you in any way I can to make you believe this Republican agenda is the way and the only way.” And this goes for cults, often churches (don’t stone me) and other organizations as well, of course. Be a sheep, not a leader and do not think things through for yourself.

I had opportunity to expand my thinking and I took it. I journeyed. I fought through a very difficult path (& not just some physically devastating things) but I did the inner work.

Now, hold on, stay with me.

I am not calling all Republicans stupid, though I hear people do that every day. It hurts me. Don’t lump people together and judge them when you do NOT know their life, what they were taught to believe was good and right, and especially before the internet age when our worlds blew up and expanded and we had access to tons more information. My parents, and many still today, were/are cocooned in their box, (& this is my perspective but oh how I love and respect them for many reasons). They’re taught not to go outside that box and read anything or watch anything or believe anything because that threatens their agenda. After all, if people were to begin to believe that all people of every race and political affiliation and religious background and affiliation were good, kind people, (mostly, ‘cept for the ones that do evil for whatever reason), what would that do?? Utter chaos! Dogs and cats living together! Nobody’s agendas are being pushed ahead and people are left to think for and decide for themselves what to believe (in every aspect). Whatever shall we do???

Just please give that a moment and let that sink in. Re-read if necessary, I’m having a drink of water.

Now, to address those specifically who have very strong faith beliefs, such as Christianity, but including all religions and faiths.

You believe how you did because someone you trusted did, and shared it with you. They helped you get some healing revelation and you cried, they cried, Jesus wept, and then you went on to join up with said religion. I’m cool with that because 1) been there, done that, and 2) I believe in REAL freedom of religion. (Which should make me a good American Patriot, if people believed what was written, etc., but I digress.)

(disclaimer; your religious rights cease where they cross the line of someone else’s freedom or safety.)

(If you’re my child reading this, it may have been me that taught you what to believe and took you to church!)

It’s all Learned. All of this is learned Input into all that is you. And whomever taught you what they taught you, they did it with a good motive and heart, I truly believe this, except in extreme cult-like situations, evil people, drunk abusers, etc.

But here is where I reside.

I came out of traditional, fundamental and evangelical Christianity because I had what one might call an awakening FOR ME, and a super big change that happened in my heart and life. It began by looking at people and the world as a whole and not just looking at people in my narrow world. To put it in terms everyone might understand, and this has been extraordinarily difficult to share with people in such a way that they can understand, but I still try sometimes—my heart exploded. My Creator gave me Big Love. (Yeah, sounds hippified, doesn’t it??)

There has always been a hippie non-conformist inside of me. In church I was told I had to subjugate that spirit, stop being a rebel, stop thinking for myself or of myself. I came to realize that everything I have been through in my life led me to that moment, the moment I realized that I am exactly and precisely who my creator made me to be, and that’s okay. I’m okay. I’m truly worthy. I’m good. (Didn’t get that from church teachings.)

For me anyway, church became a place that I saw as–good genuine people, for the most part, that taught me their biblical teachings that they tried in vain to make me accept and understand. But there was always a still small voice (which I now believe to be the voice of my creator) calling me out and away.

As all of this began to happen around 2009, well, you can only imagine the backlash. I’d been a traditional Christian for many, many years. I had raised my children Christian. I’d volunteered and been on staff at church, I had a ton to lose. I began to lose it.

I started seeking truth outside of the belief in the literal interpretations of scripture because, that nagging voice… I’d read things like the story in Genesis where the band of robbers and thieves snuck into a guy’s home one night and began to rape and pillage, and one of the bad guys tried to rape the man’s son (yes man on man rape) and the man responded by saying “Here, please, take my young daughter instead.” This is one of many, many areas in the bible where I began to have trouble. (Anyone thinking of the legislation now and also the dudes that just recently got let off for rape? Proven rape? And one was the rape of his own daughter, and one was in ministry.) Give that some meditative thought and consideration. Pray on that one.

Anyway, our society from the beginning of time has been patriarchal. And maybe that wouldn’t be so bad IF there were not such abuse, if men really cared and loved and cherished and if they protected their women and daughters and did not treat women like second-class (or lower) people, like possessions to be tossed about and used like a tissue and thrown away.

I just had a discussion a couple days ago where we talking about how—every woman has experienced misogyny, you can’t get away from it, it’s so pervasive. Just based on my own personal knowledge of other women alone, I’d give you the statistics that at least 9 out of 10 women, if they told the truth, have been groped, assaulted, demeaned sexually, raped or something of the kind. Men rape their wives and get away with it. Women are so beaten down that they cannot muster up the strength to leave their abusers who threaten to kill them. I don’t need to go on, you know.

I have found the church, particularly in retrospect, to have been a tool in many ways to keep women down. They are still allowed only certain positions in most churches (if any leadership position at all) and are quoted scripture to back it up. Which is a crying shame because many women have so much to offer in these areas.

“Tradition! It’s always been this way! The scriptures say…” Yeah this was put into place with a very real fleshy manly agenda, I guarantee you.

I got to a place where I simply could not be a part of it any more. Not just the women thing, but I cannot accept scripture as 100% literal and applicable in every and all circumstance to my life in 2019. It does not make any sense in many ways and places, and I do believe people sometimes feel this deep down inside of them but have too much to lose to stand up and say it. Learned behavior. Tradition. It has always been this way….

I reject that.

I believe the bible to have tons of good stuff but also lots of history and culture and allegory. Recently Pat Robertson—whom I would never hold out as an authority but still—recently came out and said Christians had to accept scientific fact when it’s presented to them and that the earth was much, much older than first believed. He was practically stoned for it.

I just can’t, my Christian friends and family, I cannot go blindly along anymore. Many of you have heard at least parts of my journey and such before. I had not intended for this to turn into apologetics for my current belief system, at least not entirely, but I guess I must include it when I talk about what I have learned and now believe. For those of you have been wondering (from my old life) but did not know fully what was going on with me, I can only say I love you but walk away from me if you must. I must go my way, led only by my creator, spirit, and intuition. And yeah maybe even some Jesus, Rumi, Jeff Brown, Brene’ Brown and many other writers and teachers I enjoy.

I am at an age where (when I face illnesses and such) I must think about my mortality and I think about who I want to be, what I want to give to the world, what do I want people to know about me, what legacy do I want to leave behind? Love, authenticity, transparency. (Some art and writings, too!!)

Big Love

I spoke before of an awakening, a breaking open of my heart… yes. I was given a love like I have never ever known. If I’m given it, as with any gift, I must use it. I have a love for people that is all-encompassing and worldwide. It does not discern between races, religions or political affiliations (though some of y’all test me sometimes!) LOL! I just mean with the ugliness, name-calling, etc. When you have Big Love (cuz I don’t know what else to call it) it is hard to watch others tearing each other apart that do not have it.

Compassion, empathy. They’re real, people, get to know them.

It broke me, it was that kinda love… then it set me free. No masks, no boxes, I’m just me all the time to everyone. Never experienced this kind of thing before, not like this, and didn’t see much of this kinda love in church, it’s sad to say.

And, of course also, through my journey I’ve learned so many other things, not the least of which is to have strong boundaries. And that I am not filthy, wasn’t born that way, don’t need anything else to save me but my Big Love.

I feel like the whole world is telling me continually to stay in my box, all of us to stay in our boxes. You must choose Republican or Democrat, straight or gay, Choice or Life, black or white, Catholic or Protestant or whatever…

I whole-heartedly reject that.

I’ll go the way of other amazing peace-makers (MLK, Maya Angelou and so, so many others) and walk my solitary path, knowing what I know. Loving how I love.

And at the risk of sounding cheesy, I really and truly do have big squishy, hippie all-encompassing love for you, each of you. And no matter what lens you choose to look through, I sincerely hope and pray it is a lens of Big Love.

Peace Out!

 

 

(PS: Obvs – as long as this is, it is still only a small part of my journey to find me. I will keep on sharing here and there and ask me anything. Cuz that’s what I do.)

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Ode to the Atlantic Ocean and Beaches

 

(Flagler Beach, Old Salt, and the Hammock beaches up and down the coast)

 

As I come over the bridge, I see you there, on the horizon.

You are the horizon, and already my excitement builds.

I say out loud, “There you are, ocean, my ocean.”

It’s a tradition and something I can’t make myself stop saying.

 

We pile our chairs and water out and take them to the sand.

As soon as my feet touch the damp heat of it, I know I’m almost there,

like the front yard of the house I grew up in.

I’m almost home.

 

We park our things, settle in,

then immediately must go down to the shore.

My eyes automatically scan the plethora of things

beneath my feet on the way down.

 

I’m looking out for crabs and other living creatures,

making sure I don’t cut my foot on a broken bit of shell.

Occasionally, I stop and pick up a shell, ask myself if it is worthy

of washing off and taking home to add to my ever-expanding collection.

I have so many that I have to be pickier about what I take home,

lest they take over my living room entirely.

 

My eyes look up and see the crashing wave coming towards me, as if to say, “Hello, again! It’s you! Where’ve you been?” And I mentally answer back, “I’m here every week. I always come back. It’s so lovely to see you, my friend… my ocean.”

Hubs and I lock eyes and smile. We know we are truly home now.

The next hour or more is spent walking the edge along surf and sand, periodically stopping to admire something, watch a surfer or para-sailor, going back to sit and grab a sip of water.

He says how we’re on vacation, he says it every week. It’s tradition. I answer back, “Yup.”

But we live here now, nearby, not too far, just over the big bridge.

I can’t really explain the draw, the love, the longing, the belonging I feel here. Perhaps I lived or died here in some previous form of existence. All I know is that it feels like home.

I’m finally home.

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Dear Ones, It’s Time to Change (In the wake of another mass shooting)

Dear one,

I know it’s hard. Change is always hard. You’ve always been a good person, a person who chased after the things of God, love, and light. It’s not your fault-to a large degree- that you’ve been led so astray. At some point your fervor became more about the rule of law and less about your love for people, it was a slow but natural progression.

Our world promotes this behavior, it works actively to divide and separate us. Label everyone, divvy them up, pit them against each other. It’s a dark plan that has worked all too well.

It’s time to awaken, dear ones, to awaken to see the wool that has been so firmly placed over your eyes. Are we our brother’s keeper? A definitive YES. It’s our fault…. ALL of this. It’s our fault, yours and mine. We’ve been had, fooled, bamboozled.

We are here in this world to love our Creator, (should you choose to believe in one), our world, and our fellow humans, and to care for the animals and all living things on this beautiful earth. We’ve gone so, so far astray.

Hatred, ignorance, placing our hands over our ears and allowing ourselves to be taught things that we know deep down inside are wrong, our hearts have hardened. We hide in our churchy cocoons, our religious belief or lack thereof, we make up our minds about things based on limited information at a young and vulnerable age and then refuse to learn, refuse to grow, refuse to love.

For me, if it does not align with the principles of LOVE then I do not follow it or believe in it, period. It’s that simple. Humans can convolute scripture, belief systems, they can justify anything and everything, and more often than not, we completely miss the forest for the trees.

It’s not about religion or political affiliation. It’s about LOVE and RIGHT and LIGHT vs HATE and WRONG and DARKNESS. That’s the bottom line for me. It’s always been about your heart and your spirit.

Let’s find that inner most child again, get back to basics. Before it’s too late.

 

 

 

 

 

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Choose Peace

It’s funny to me that at every stage of my life I have felt as though

I was seeking the right things, doing the right things,

but then when looking back,

it seems so… different.

I suppose it’s due to knowing something now

I didn’t know then.

 

Life really does move like a river,

so that you are never in the same water again.

 

I wish I’d had this Big Love earlier.

I wish I’d had the wisdom of 50 years

at age 20

But doesn’t everyone?

 

I know now that for the world to change

It will take all of us

You and me

Deciding

Wanting it to with all of what we are

And we must sacrifice the god

Of our own opinions and belief systems

At the altar

Of peace.

 

Kindness, dignity, and respect have fallen away

And they are integral to our futures.

We must seek again to find common ground

To focus on what we have in common

Rather than how we are different.

 

Our world is in the midst of major transition

In this age of technology

And some will not change their lens

They will refuse to see the world

As a whole

As one

And for them, nothing will change

 

For those with open minds, open hearts

The world can be a peaceful united place.

 

We choose to live in light or darkness.

We choose strife or peace.

We choose to be critical or to look for commonality.

Every time we meet someone new, we choose.

 

Choose love. Choose peace.

 

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Social/philosophical commentary # 1332 (blog 6/28/2018)

 

If you don’t know me already, let me introduce myself. I’m a blogger, poet, philosopher, fiction author, and indie publisher (among many other things, of course) and this is what I do. I deconstruct the world and myself continually. My blogs/articles/rants are my account of some of that. Welcome aboard.

I’ve come out of a very fundamentalist background and have been on an amazing (if horribly painful and trying) spiritual, personal journey. Part of that has been reaching out and connecting with those I never connected with before. I now have friends who are atheists, agnostics, evangelicals, Buddhists, seekers of all kinds and many who feel disenfranchised from all of it, (religion). I’ve found that once we get out of the cocoon of our own little personal worlds and reach out to truly love and connect with other people, find common ground with them, it can be life-changing.

I believe it is a total misinterpretation of scripture to believe that—due to one’s spiritual or religious beliefs, we are to isolate ourselves from “them” and keep ourselves apart. (How can you go into all the world and stay utterly separate at the same time??) My love and compassion for all of mankind has ramped up, in fact, exploded. My mindset is so different now that I find a real disconnect with many of my old church friends. They don’t get it. That’s ok. I’m not here to judge, just sharing my journey. My hope is always to connect with some out there who may need to hear something I have to say or may relate to it in some way… the goal? Peace, unity and more love, understanding and compassion in the world. I often have people telling me to stop explaining myself, but I won’t because it is how I try to make connection with others. I won’t, however, apologize for it.

So, recently I have begun some discussions with people from all over the country and the world about many of these things (love, compassion, peace, how to get there) and it has been very eye-opening, because here’s the thing: when you dare to step out of your comfort zone and reach out to people, NOT with an agenda outside of love and compassion, you begin to realize some crucial, world-view altering things.

1)     Almost everyone everywhere wants to do what is right, please their God if they believe in one, find love, raise a family in a peaceful community and bring about peace on the planet. You absolutely would never think that if you stay in your cocoon and listen only to media coverage.

2)     People are AMAZING! There are some good/great hearts and souls out there, people who are trying to save/change the world. (Yes, there are the other kind, too, but mostly they are broken and hurting people who need help.) Not excusing evil or crime. I DO believe there is evil in this world, but we do not fight it by hiding ourselves away.

3)     People who may have different opinions/beliefs than mine are not necessarily evil. This is a pervasive thought in religious communities. If we continue to write people off as hopeless sinners, this world will never change. Maybe people feel hopeless because nobody ever reaches out to them with love and compassion.

I’ve even spent a good bit of time lately thinking about how the media and politics has done a wonderful job of dividing us all, one from the other. I think about what Jesus would do. What would Jesus say about building walls? Separating children from parents? Refusing to do business with those who do not share our beliefs? And not just that but reviling them and hating them. (If you have God’s love for someone, you WILL NOT behave in a non-loving way, it just doesn’t add up. Reality check.)

There’s been a pervasive and downright evil (in my opinion) leaning in the Christian community over the years that has gotten worse and worse…. If you are different, you are wrong and evil and I cannot talk to you or be around you. I cannot express how deeply this wounds my soul. I will not be a part of it anymore. (Look up Westboro Baptist if you need further insight.)

When I first began my journey, I had to throw out all I thought I knew and start over, just me and my Creator. And for a while I couldn’t believe in one of those either. The great thing about that (as painful as it is) is that I no longer accepted things at face value, I did not “do as I was told” or believe as I was told, I began the arduous process of wrestling it all out on my own. I know why more people don’t do it. It’s very painful and time-consuming. But if you make the time and take the time, I guarantee you will never be the same again (in a GOOD way!!!).

So, to sum up, please think about what you believe and why. If you believe in scripture, as you read each one, ask yourself the deep questions: Is this for today or historical/allegorical? Does this align with the heart of a loving compassionate God? Could this verse warrant further study to discern the original language and intent? Who was it written by and what could their agenda/culture have been about at that time? (I have studied scripture a lot. It became more and more confusing to me which made me dig deeper and deeper.)

Don’t have a hand-me-down belief system, or a system of belief which propagates hate or separatism. I beg of you, don’t. It might be better not to have a religion at all.

Ask the DEEP HARD questions and don’t settle for pat answers. The world needs love, hope, compassion, change. It needs you and me, but at our loving best.

Peace out!

 

 

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My Particular Kind of Crazy

 

I believe there is a love greater than we have ever known, and we have shut it down and contained it within our boxes and labels, we have dulled it and made it irrelevant.

I believe that in all of my life, the only unconditional love I’ve ever known has come from my mother and my husband. I hope my children give me this, I believe they do, even when they don’t get me. (That’s the thing about family, we love always. If only we saw everyone as the family they are.) I never saw it in church (from people). Conditional love, yes, but never the true “AGAPE” love that is so frequently talked about. By and large, we’ve become afraid of real love and intimacy, because of our pain and trust issues. We’ve all been guilty of focusing on our differences, rather than our similarities. There are a few friends who I believe have it down, if I’m to be fair. But it is so rare.

I believe we put each other down in order to make ourselves feel better, because we as individuals, can never admit we might be wrong about something, that we may still yet have something to learn from another’s point of view.

I believe that each of us are beyond beautiful in our own unique ways.

I believe we will ultimately destroy ourselves with closed-mindedness and hate.

I believe there is a large percentage of people in this world who will go to their graves never experiencing “digging deep,” never being who they were created to be, (and this primarily out of fear; fear of being different, of being judged, of failure, of success, and all manner of fears and anxieties). Most people go through life “asleep” to all we were created to be, and how we were created to love.

I believe in reasonable taxes but also, taking care of each other and being one another’s keeper.

I believe in holding people accountable for crime, while at the same time, getting people the help they need to get better and be better.

I believe that all life is precious but also that no-one has the right to judge another’s choices in moments of desperation.

I believe that—given the right set of circumstance—all of us are capable of anything. (Just try hurting one of my family members around me and see if I don’t become a deadly tiger.) “There but by the grace of God, go I” should be more of a mantra. We don’t know people’s lives and experiences, and yet are so quick to judge and label.

I believe that when you claim to love someone you always, ALWAYS, give them the benefit of the doubt, and grace beyond measure, but you never allow yourself to be an enabler or a doormat.

I believe forgiveness sets you free, whether it does any good to the person you’re forgiving or not.

I believe that churches and non-profits should do better at taking care of people, rather than building bigger buildings or softer pews or printing more colorful pamphlets. People can live without a church that has a full band and a coffee house, but people can’t live without food and water and shelter. Without love and human contact and understanding.

I believe that dancing, laughing, and music are three of the biggest gifts we’ve ever been given.

I believe every human on planet earth can do better, be better, when it comes to trying to understand one another and love each other. If only we listened with an ear towards understanding rather than arguing our agendas.

If these things make me crazy, so be it. I’ll continue to be my particular kind of crazy.

 

 

 

 

 

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This Is Love (Gold & Blue)

 

 

An aura of gold and blue

Surrounds them

For they have been one with the other

His and hers

Hers and his

And the light, the aura

Stays

 

Occupying the same narrow space

For hours at a time

His ocean to her shore

Ever wanting more

Never needing to flow back outward

And it’s blue and it’s gold

And it’s nameless thousands of other colors

Pulsing

 

His hand upon her is electric

Tracing the lights and color

Creating the aura

And she is his

 

Until at last they, with slower breath, sleep

Wrapped up together

His arms like mist

Lost in her hair

And everywhere

And they know nothing

Except each other

 

And it lasts as long as it lasts

For love knows no timetable

No schedule to meet

No clock to watch

 

And the seasons follow

Glide and slide

Over the tunnel of time

And it changes

They change

But insist on flowing still

Into one another

And creating the blue and the gold

 

The aura

His ocean to her shore

They meet again

And again

 

This is love

 

 

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US

 

Once I needed you

Because I needed someone, anyone

But now I need you

Because of you, who you are

You’ve proved yourself to me

Time and time again

I thought I loved you for you

But I loved you for me

I was that shallow

Not fully understanding self or even need

And over the years

You showed me

You

And I finally understood

That you are more than I ever knew

Not just that you love me, too

But that you get me

And you’re honest

And true

And such a good soul

And then the changes came

Life happened

And here we still are

Still together

Still you and me

Still us

And you’ve always been the steady one

The straight line to my squiggles

Always there

A rock

A mountain

And I, the child, learning to walk and run

Learning who I’d become

A storm next to a sunny day

And the storm still rages

Though calmer now

With focus as well as intensity

And you’re still there with me

You’re there

You’re here

We’re here

We’re us

To stay

To this day

 

 

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December 2017 blog post–On Self-Love and Self-Confidence

There’s so much going through my mind right now that I almost literally cannot move and function, which for me, means it is time to “download.” Time to write it all out.

I’ve been thinking a lot about personal growth, (it’s a thing with me), and so I love sharing my journey so that maybe even just one person will connect with something and maybe find it helpful.

Of course, no-one is ever under any obligation to read these things I post, whether I post a link to my site where I have all the blogs or if I decide to share it all on my personal Facebook page, PLEASE feel free to keep scrolling.

So, here’s where my thoughts are today, December 7th, 2017.

I had the thought that it may be a great personal litmus test to see just how comfortable you are with yourself, if you can go out and eat by yourself. This is not a judgement, just a little test you can take to see where you are with loving and enjoying who you are. CAN you spend time alone with YOU willingly, and totally enjoy it? I know personality types definitely play a part, but in my journey, I have noticed a pattern, that those who absolutely cannot be alone, OFTEN do not know or love themselves well. It’s a part of feeling constantly judged, and being trapped in the mindset of, “what are others thinking about me right now?” If you can’t get past that question, your personal growth will be stuck in one place for years, maybe forever. And I can speak to that because that used to be me. Some aren’t tracking because you’ve conquered this already in your life; scroll on. Some of you are totally tracking with me.

I began making it a practice to go out and eat alone many years ago, and I will admit that, at first, it was hard. I was convinced that others were judging me. They thought I had been stood up, or I was “on the prowl,” looking for a date, or I was sad in some way. And here’s the key. It just doesn’t f-ing matter.

I have found myself so stuck in the jail of other’s opinions and judgements that I was stuck for a very long time. I am free of that now and it is the biggest change and sense of freedom I think I’ve ever felt in my life. And it is a huge step towards loving YOU and realizing that YOU are fun to be around. You’re a marvelous person, deep, intricate. You have layers. Others don’t get it. Who cares?

So, my point today, is If you say to yourself, “I could never do that!” then I challenge you today to do it. Plan it, schedule it. Go to one of your favorite places. Maybe bring a book or a Kindle. And while you’re there make it a point to breathe deep and smile a lot. Relax yourself and just notice your surroundings. Watch people. Observe. Listen.

Go inside. Think about the best parts of yourself. Sometimes I get into these deep conversations with myself or my creator even, in my head, and sometimes I laugh out loud. Yes, people stare. I don’t care. I crack myself up. Deal with it. Yes, people see me as weird, arrogant, blah, blah, blah, but my personal growth WILL NOT rest on what others think about me. And it shouldn’t for you, either.

You may find that you enjoy the practice so much that you begin to schedule alone dates. Dates with yourself. I love it. Do it. I found out a long time ago that I actually really like me. Doesn’t make me less than humble. Doesn’t make me an arrogant ass. I’m just self-aware enough to realize that sometimes I am the only one I want to be with.

All that said, it’s hard to like and love yourself if you carry around a lot of guilt or shame or unforgiveness inside of you. We are all so very different and have had very different experiences, but pain is common to us all. We’ve all been through it. One way or another. My story may not match yours, but we all have stories. The best advice I can give you, is spend time on you and you alone, forgive yourself first, then work on forgiving others around you. You are worthy of love, worthy of acceptance and nurturing, but guess what? That begins ONLY with you. A little one-on-one with yourself. Learn to be your own best friend and you will eventually find other like-minded people to connect with, but it won’t be because of a deep-seeded need to have others love and accept you; it’ll be because you have loved and accepted yourself. And that’s attractive. You will draw the right people to you.

And here’s the downside, (there’s always a downside). You may lose friends, too. Any time we change there will be people who don’t get it, who judge you, who don’t think they like what you’re trying to do. A lot of that is because they want and need you to be messed up and needy. They have their own twisted need for that. Maybe they feel they need you, just as you are. Truth is, they are on their own journey and sometimes we have to leave others behind. Relationships should always be built on mutual respect, love, and understanding. If others don’t respect you doing things that better YOU, then it may be time you hang with a new crowd.

Change and growth is so hard. Self-respect, self-confidence, is hard-fought-for. Do it anyway. You will never truly regret it.

Whatever has happened to you up to this point helped make you who you are. You hold the key to changes for the better; to living YOUR life, not a life others want, need, or expect you to live.

Go out and take on the day and the world today. You’re worth it. You’re loved.

 

 

 

 

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Falling in Love, Daily

I fall in love, daily. Not in a strictly romantic sense, in fact, not at all, but it’s more of a soul connection. I meet people and I feel a soul-tingling sensation, (male or female). Something inside me leaps when I meet certain people. It’s almost as if we were cut from the same cloth or that we knew each other in a previous life. Or that we were meant to know each other in this one.

I feel sure that 90% of the time the other person has no idea, nor would they always feel the same connection to me. It’s one of those things I think deeply about sometimes. What is that? What does it really mean?

I’m a sensitive, I know this, so maybe it’s no more than being extraordinarily aware of other souls; of being excited when my soul connects in some area, with another. It’s always oddly disconcerting to me to realize that not everyone does this; experiences this. It used to be shocking to me that others didn’t always feel the same towards me, but I’ve grown used to it by now.

Of course, to explore both the yin and the yang, there are times when I meet people and I’m immediately turned off or turned away by them, too, but this doesn’t happen as often. I discern certain levels of brokenness in some, and it’s the kind of brokenness that I know intrinsically, I can’t influence them for good, they will hurt me, and I should walk away.

We live in a world where there are so many walls around our souls, so much STUFF blocking the way. We’re so guarded. These walls, this stuff, does not lend itself to falling in love in this way with others, with connecting this way.

Others find me different, intense, tightly wound, and I have to admit, they’d be right. I scare people. I’ve come to realize this, too.

A soul wandering the shores of this world with their walls down is different. Not that I’m totally there–is anyone ever? But I like connection. Time and circumstance has taught me to be very careful about who I trust and who I connect with, but even with this knowledge, I still smile inside when I meet someone new and my soul jumps a little.  I think I like it.

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Piece of Myself (poem)

 

Most of my life I’ve been keeping a little bit back

A piece of me that was walled and secure

Having seen the devastation of a heart shattered by death and loss

I vowed that would never be me

So

I built that wall, brick by brick over days, over years

Turning away, tuning out, not letting people in

 

Oh I seemed to be, I showed love the best I knew how

But part of me was shut off and after a while even I didn’t notice anymore

 

And then a person comes along and sticks and stays

And they know me more and more and yet still they stick, they stay

But I don’t know how to handle that, always waiting for the shoe to drop

Waiting for them to decide that today is the day they see something in me they just cannot abide

And off they go

 

Again

 

Another one chased away by my truest self and what does that say about me?

Am I intrinsically unlovable? Why has it always seemed that the more they know

The faster they go

 

So I kept that bit, that slice of my heart in cold storage, never letting it out to thaw

Knowing that one day the tragic would happen and it would be that piece that got me through

It was my life insurance against pain you see

Because if I could keep a part of me whole I could rely on that part when the grief came

 

And it always comes

No-one is exempt

 

And now I can feel the ice melting, drip, drip, drip

And it scares the hell out of me

Because if that slice of me is gone, gone to love and acceptance and

Loving with all of my heart and soul then I am a goner

I’m done

There will be nothing left to save me from the pain

 

It’s thawing and now I can’t even stop it, the freezer has stopped working

The wall is crumbling

And when you’re gone I will lose

Even that piece of myself