Tag: life

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Pammy’s Blog/Ramble 1,254 April 23 20

Talk about having a lot of time to rant and ramble and navel gaze. Introspection has been my jam largely over the last 15 years and most especially the last four or five and now from the middle of a global pandemic. The following will be an amalgamation of my current thoughts, musings, and my overall health and well-being.

I’ve had lung mess off and on a lot, and was sick in the lungs and coughing for a full 2 years. Yes, literally. This 2 year time frame began to come to an end and I began to feel better around summer 2019. Since then my lungs had been amazing, super well, almost healthier than ever as I’d tightened down my already tight eating habits and had indeed dedicated my entire year 2019 to getting well and healthy. It had begun to work and I turned a corner.

Now, since February or so of this year, (when our allergy season begins here in Central Florida) I’ve had throat and lung mess off and on continually. I get super phlegmy, sometimes a sore throat, and then it will start to move into my lungs. Then it goes away and gets better. (I take some amazing immune support products and I know that I know that these have saved my life many times) but recently it just keeps coming and going repeatedly. I’ve not run a high fever and rarely a low grade one. May be related to EBV issues I’ve had, but whatever it is, it distresses me even more NOW because, of course, when you’re in the midst of a pandemic, every time you get sick you are faced with your own mortality and the possibility that this could be “it” and maybe I’ll die and maybe not and maybe I’ll get really, really sick and then get well, or maybe not.

That’s what I’m dealing with physically. Last 2 nights breathing a bit rough. No fever. Productive cough. Using inhaler.

On top of the physical, of course, I, like everyone, have been trying to deal with the mental, emotional, psychological distress, keep an eye on my spirit and soul and look after me.

Over the last several years, I’ve changed, a lot. I know that deep down I am more genuinely ME than I have ever been, but I have learned and am learning to have strong boundaries, and to say what I think and feel. I’ve done and am doing a lot of healing. I know that this looks like a hot mess to those around me, but I can’t care about that. I am getting really good at monitoring my emotional energy levels and protecting my empathic self. Protecting my soul, protecting me. It finally occurred to me after many years that I am the only one who truly can and should do this. I have to establish boundaries, I have to know and love me, and I don’t have to care what that looks like to anyone else.

I know that those few people that were a part of my life 20 years ago that still follow me in any way, are confused about who I am and what’s going on. Again, I can’t waste energy on that. I have a limited supply. For the most part I say and write things for my own “processing”. But if anyone who really knows, loves, and cares about me, maybe that small percentage of those who follow me that do–that follow me for more than pure entertainment value–will get something out of reading this junk I write. Ultimately, I do it for me, though.

I have been seeking my new “tribe” for a while now. I have to surround myself only with those who truly have my interest and my back, those that I truly connect with in some way NOW today, the person I am and am becoming. I have lost many friends, some who genuinely were friends and some that were acquaintances, but I have NEEDED to let them go and in some cases actually push them away. I am doing this for my own good and my own health.

I finally feel like I am beginning to find a new tribe. I have found that writers and artists, most especially those who are not overly religiously zealous, are making up a large part of it. But it is not mandatory that someone NOT be a religious person in order to be my friend, in fact, I have two particularly close friends that are still very into their Christian faith, but I find it harder and harder to relate to them or connect because that’s not where I’m at these days, and actually find a lot of “religiosity” and Christianeze to be highly annoying, (to be honest) but I always try to see a person’s heart and motivation. I understand the viewpoint of being deeply embedded in right-wing Christianity because I was there for many years of my life. 

But my life, my worldview, my belief systems have dramatically changed over fifteen or twenty years, and I fully understand that in a Christian perspective, this makes me lost, backslidden, and plain wrong. I do not believe that, not in any way or form. I am stronger, healthier (mentally and emotionally and spiritually) than I have ever been, regardless of how it looks to others. And no, I don’t need to explain it or justify it.

I am walking my own path and journey of growth, it’s nobody else’s. Don’t get it? Too bad. (Boundaries! Yay!)

I do not like to cut people out of my life but have done so and will continue to if I need to to protect myself from toxicity or even just to STOP feeling like people need me to stop and explain myself at every turn. I don’t need to.

I have a global worldview. I have friends that I chat with all over the world. Kind, loving, genuine people with large hearts and tons of love for others. When you open your heart to those that are different, you begin to grow and see things differently. I now know more about what I look for in a friend than I ever have. It’s not a common belief system or ideology always, but it is people who are real, vulnerable and genuine. I tend to have instant connections with such folk. It’s what I have always strived to be.

I thought it’d be fun to share some things about me, so you can know if we have points of connection or not, and if you want to move on, you can, or if I don’t connect with you, I can move on.

All the stuff I shared above (already revealed a lot about me)!

Also, I have been endeavoring to remove all masks and fakery from my life. I want you to see and know the real me. I’ve always strived for this but I’m getting better at it.

If you don’t know already, I’m a writer, poet, retired indie publisher and editor, philosopher of sorts, and very deep thinker. I’m a “wordy”. Only in recent years I’ve found a love for art, painting, art journaling and the like.

I love people. I also can’t tolerate being around many of them for very long. If I don’t connect on some sort of deep level, I move on.

I don’t like to lump people into “I hate this person, they’re the devil” kind of categories. That’s anger and hatred and I don’t need blind hatred in my life. I believe everyone (almost everyone) has some good in them and aren’t awful all the time. Me or you can be a jerk one day and do something wonderful the next. I do believe there is evil in the world but I think very few people are truly completely evil. (And many of them are sociopaths with psychological problems or brain malfunction, which doesn’t mean you shouldn’t stay away from them.) Noting of course that some people are so broken and damaged that they break and damage others.

So I’m drawn to people who are more sensible in this area.

I’m drawn to practicality, scientific fact, and a lack of deceit or true malice.

I’m very discerning and (usually) can spot a fraud a mile away. I remember even as a teen, laughing in people’s faces at some of the mess they would say to try to manipulate me. Not saying I cannot be manipulated but it would be harder with me than the average Jane.

I don’t have many friends because I don’t put up with crap. Period.

If I am your friend, like truly and deeply, I will become like an octopus on your face (hard to get rid of). Just joking, not at all stalkery but very loyal. I will defend you at every turn.

The opposite of stalkery, I will disappear for weeks or months at a time, but that’s because I am, at my heart, an introvert that enjoys my own company. (Except I’m getting sick of me during this pandemic.) I NEED downtime. I live largely in my head. The things I am most passionate about are the things I do alone, like write, paint, or draw.

If you are dishonest in the way of lying, cheating, stealing, stay far from me for both our sakes.

I will never intentionally hurt you (unless you draw first blood. Then look out.) I will defend my family like a fierce lion. (And sometimes my opinion.)

Okay, that’s enough about me. Tell me about you! (Something deep and real.)


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Pammy’s rant & ramble number 4004 (on life and men)

Blog post

I’m so glad I found a man I can tolerate. Let me explain.

I started out life with a great love for my father and I had (have) 3 older brothers and I chased after them for years just wanting to be accepted and loved by them. To be honest there is a deep-seeded part of me that blames them (my original fam) for failing me in some way, for failing to adequately prepare me for the thunder-dome of life). But the thing is, it wasn’t a thunder-dome for my mom so she didn’t know how to prepare me for all I’ve been through… not that she didn’t suffer hard times but very oh-so different than anything I faced, it was a totally different world for me. I can’t blame my father, he did the best he could, he worked a lot to provide for us and so he didn’t know what to think of 4 teenagers who began to act a-fool at a certain point, he didn’t know what to do. Parenting truly is the hardest job in the world and the one that we are the LEAST trained or prepared for. My brothers were kids themselves, so therefore free from any responsibility. So, the logical side of me knows I can’t blame any of them for anything.

But when we’re hurt, we look for reasons, people to blame. The truth is, I should only blame those who actually hurt me. The broken hot mess human people who took out their broken-ness on me.

If you’ve known me any amount of time, if you’ve read any of my rambles over the last 9 yrs especially, then you know I’ve been working through some shit. There were a handful, a few, incidents in my teenage years that totally changed who I became in my early adult life. I’ve talked about this before. They destroyed any small self-esteem I might’ve had as a young child. I withdrew so deeply into myself that I had ZERO concept of who I was. I became a chameleon of sorts, I tried to fit in with whatever group of people I found myself with. (I have this skill today in that I can fit in with many maybe even most people, IF or when I want to. I can get along with most. I’ve become a negotiator and peace-maker.)

But thankfully, over the last several years I’ve fought hard to work through all the pain, I figured out that I can’t live life continuing to stuff everything down and pretend it didn’t happen. Ya gotta go through it, ya gotta FEEL it. Let it hurt, let it break you… then you begin to rebuild. I think my trauma is or was at the very root of my health problems as well, along with not being breast-fed (that’s another whole issue, all about Natural Killer Cells and not having them and what causes one to NOT have them… another blog for another time all about the immune system. I’ve learned so much.)

I was unprepared, that’s the point. Totally unprepared for the lion’s den. I had no idea that all boys/men in the world were not basically good, moral people. That some were broken and perverted and plain evil in some cases.

As a result of my trauma, I developed a deep distrust of men and particularly teenaged boys (likely because I was hurt by them.) I still have that. I have tried hard not to allow this to affect my relationship with my own sons. If I was then (when they were small) who I am today, I would’ve raised them a bit differently, but as my parents before me, I did the best I could with what I knew at the time. Which wasn’t much.

So, back to explaining what I said about finding a man I can tolerate. Due to my trauma, I distrust men in general. It’s kind of surprising, even to me, that I didn’t turn to having relationships with women because of this… it happens sometimes. People can be born gay or circumstances can turn them towards it. I’ve met both. (And, of course, there are many other nuances when it comes to a person’s sexuality.) Likely because of my extreme conservative upbringing, the thought never occurred to me.

And so, yeah. I married super young. Just after turning 18. He was and is a decent guy. We had some core issues we couldn’t resolve. I ultimately divorced when my younger son was a baby. At this time, I still had all of these un-resolved issues with men, but one thing I had figured out in my first marriage, was that I would never become someone I wasn’t in order to please a man. During the seven years of that marriage, my insides were churning, the trauma roiling around and causing havoc. I was desperately unhappy.

God or the Universe was watching out for me, because I met my Bill at the job I got when I divorced, working at a hotel at the front desk. There was something about him immediately. He had a youth and innocence about him. He’s three and a half years younger than me and indeed was way more “innocent” than me. I guess this was so different to all of my past experiences with men, and that, combined with his sweet and loving nature, drew me to him. We became best friends quickly.

Now that we’ve been married 32 years, I have found my instincts about him were true. He’s a good guy, the best. He’s one in a million. Such that I know that I will never love another man (if anything, heaven forbid, ever happened to him), I feel sure that there’s nobody else out there like him.

In all of those personality tests, I always show up as fiercely independent and unlikely to marry. I’d say, all things considered this is true. I just happened to find someone perfect for me and I willed myself into making it work and not fleeing when things got too good (because that was a pattern of mine, too.)

That’s what I mean when I say I found a man I can tolerate. I’m not a “man-hater” in the feminist sense, I’ve just been traumatized by the males of the species. I’ve seen and known some of the best men, (my sons included), and I’ve seen and known some of the worst. I probably gifted my sons with some baggage they didn’t deserve. But I love them fiercely.

And Bill and I have a beautiful daughter who grew up with part-time brothers. I’m sure I gave her her own fair share, or more, of baggage, too. But despite this, my children are good people with big hearts.

I’ve (finally) come to a place where I know ME. I know who I am, what I’m all about, what I will tolerate in my life and what I won’t. I have strong boundaries. I will not be “the victim” but will instead be this fierce lioness, the person that was so hard-fought-for, the real me. I will protect me and mine, at all costs.

I haven’t said much about God or religion in this particular post, but my spiritual walk has been with me on this journey and it has been rough. I don’t see God as others do and most days do not know if there is a God. I feel strongly that there is something at work in my life, something I cannot explain and maybe that is God, maybe it’s just the nature of this experiment (life). But I am not the woman I was twenty years ago, or even ten. I’ve grown and I cannot go back. Whatever is for me is ahead of me, and I think… I think this is gonna be my best year yet.

 

 

 

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My Thoughts Today June 21, 2019

Had a great idea today, got it from watching NCIS. I’m thinking of doing a Dead President’s Journal. Let me explain:

It’s not really anything to do with whichever dead president you choose to write to, it’s about writing a letter to someone who will never get it, never read it, in fact you’ll never send it anywhere. It’s your journal, your diary. Sort of like having a dead Pen Pal. Writing TO someone appeals to me. I feel like I might write differently. Yet this person I can really dump on and they won’t mind. Yeah, I think I’m gonna do this.

My nails are too long and it’s making it hard to type. Time to trim.

I am sooo enjoying my art journaling class and love my teacher (and the guest teachers, too). I feel like it’s taking me to the next level in my art journey and this thrills me to no end. I may be finding my own style, my own groove, and damn, that’s a happy place.

I’ve been taking an all-natural immune system booster thingy that seems to be working well for me. I finally think I see a light at the end of the tunnel and may be getting my health back. I have no idea what to do with all the energy I will have if this continues to work well (see all my rants about having sinus infections and a cough for 17 months straight and the docs, 5 of them, saying, “We can’t give you any more steroids and antibiotics for this,” and I’m like Oh Crap), like, I actually convinced hubs to move out of state to see if it would fix my health and it is a bit better with that alone, but mostly I was still struggling, so this health thing is HUGE for me, I cannot even tell you. I may finally be able to take over the world… or at least handle my own.

As for deep spiritual and philosophical stuff, I can only say I continue on my journey, and find more truths daily. The thing I have also found is that, if you have an epiphany or find some nugget of truth, it doesn’t pay to try to share that with anyone who simply cannot be there at the same time with you. Some things really are best unsaid, unless or until you find the gems in your life who get it and can genuinely hear what you’re saying and even kinda understand it. Or, even if they don’t get IT, they kinda get You, and that alone is truly special. Love my gold nuggets, my fam and friends. My art and literary tribes have become super special to me. Artsy people tend to be a different sort; quirky, swirly, different, weird, twirly, crunchy, and wonderful. They are my truest peeps.

I see God weekly at the beach. Sitting and watching the pale whitish crabs pop up outta the sand and toss aside the dirt they just dug out, then look at me and blink their odd little eyes (that sit atop sticks outta their heads) entertains and thrills me like mad. The pelicans that live and play in our area are also quite entertaining. I love how they fly in formation, and if one falls behind, they will come back for him. I really love when they fly super high, then dive straight down into the water to catch a fish.

There are so may lessons in nature, and they don’t involve pulpits or country clubs. The crabs, the pelicans, they just live their lives. They ARE who they are, they just BE. They do what they were made to do.

(MS Word keeps telling me I ought not say “outta” and such things, but hey, this isn’t for a book, it’s just between us friends, so I’m gonna take off my “editor” cap and let it flow.)

Maybe the biggest/bestest thing I’ve learned in the past decade, is that I do not have to care a whit about what others think of me. I can just BE. Be me, just like the crabs and pelicans. Ya think the pelicans go up to the crabs and ask why they behave the way they do? I think not. Live and let live. You be you and I’ll be me. So liberating, so powerful. And to think I used to think it was some duty of mine to go out and change everyone else so that I might understand them better. It is to laugh.

So much of who and what we are is handed down to us, it’s learned behavior, tradition, family patterns, whatever. It’s so powerful to finally look at all of that objectively, to choose what fits me and discard the rest. Forty, or even ten years ago, I could never have imagined being able to do such a thing.

And so, I come back to this… I am good. That means I am well and happy. I have moments of pure joy, times of sadness or despair, aggravation, even depression at times, but all in all, it is truly well with my soul. Because I finally found ME. I now know who I am. And I love me. And that’s pretty all right.

 

 

 

 

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Battle Weary but Bad-Ass

I feel like I’m fighting so many battles. I guess I’ll become a real bad-ass or I’ll die, and sometimes I wonder which! No, that isn’t depression talking, just pure old-fashioned frustration.
I’m not going to post about the immune booster anymore, just because I think I’m going to be on it long-term and don’t want to keep posting every day. Meanwhile if anyone wants to be added to a discussion group about it let me know, and I will post how I’m feeling occasionally as well.
I’m tired. In every way possible. Gonna need to rest/nap today.
Ya know I grew up not learning anything at all about how to confront. I didn’t know how to set boundaries. I had and have a deeeeeep inner world but half the people I went to school with probably don’t even remember me. That was intentional, somewhat.
Being an empath and very sensitive, It didn’t take much bullying or stupid mess coming my way before I would take that into me, take it personally. I didn’t realize back then that when people lash out and hurt you for no reason other than to make you feel small and pump up themselves, it is their issue and not mine. They were the broken ones, but I felt like I was.
If I could go back there’d be some people getting throat-punched, I’m not gonna lie.
But I’m a big-girl now. I’ve worked so hard for every inch, every ounce of growth, and every step of the way has been a battle, every damned step. I finally know who and what I am. I know my worth. I have boundaries, very firm ones in place. I now know that if someone comes along and takes a dump on my day for no reason, that it is their fault not mine. (Especially completely unprovoked.)
I can’t help but feel that twinge, when it happens, that knee-jerk reaction of hurt. Not sure how human I’d be if I didn’t. Now I know things in my head, –and my heart?  Well, it’s learning, it’s catching up. When someone blasts me it is easier for me to get past that hurt and see the reality of the situation, see what’s really happening. Boundaries and shields up. I’m becoming that bad-ass.
It’s a sad truth that we must gird ourselves, that we have to learn how to brace for the next incoming blow. But I think it’s tied to why we are here. Somehow growing and getting stronger is what we’re meant to do.
I’ve never been a physical bad-ass. But inside I’m becoming Wonder Woman. I wish I had her cool toys, though.
Peace.
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Things I Know (volume 4365)

 

As of today, May 3, 2019, these are conclusions I’ve come to.

 

  • The secret to life, the universe and everything is not just 42 (ask me if you don’t understand this reference) but is also CONNECTION.
    • I’ve come to realize that the only way to have peace on small levels (in the home) or large (on the world’s stage) is to find true loving connection with other humans. To be so well and confident in one’s self that you can truly relate, without baggage, to others, in a kind, loving, respectful manner. And then to take that love to its fullest level—unconditional and ever-lasting. This is so rare and I believe it is the one thing we are all continually searching for. We are all usually so messed up and broken that we find it hard to relate in a healthy manner to others. And if we manage to get ourselves well, it’s tough to find someone else that is well enough to receive such a love.
  • Although I’m still not sure about fate and destiny, I tend NOT to believe in it, but even so, I have found that, in looking back over my life, there are some truly amazing things that have come out of some tragic things, and I don’t know if this means that bad, sucky things are meant to be or that the universe loves redemption and bringing something good out of something bad. (This is a repetitive theme.) I DO NOT believe that bad, tragic things are God’s will.
  • Call it Karma or the law of sowing and reaping, but I have observed that hard work and perseverance pays off, almost every single time. I’ve yet to see every bad guy get their come-uppance, but I’d like to believe that happens, too. (But each of us is a “bad guy” in some way in someone else’s story… so I ought not wish harm on the bad guy. I’ll leave that to the Higher Power.)
  • I’ve been on a spiritual journey since age 7 when I found an old hymnal and would sing songs, making up my own tunes, to go with the words, many of which I did not understand. Many of which I still do not understand. But it drew me, the idea that there was a benevolent God who loved and cared for me. And so it all began.

 

I was a part of very right-wing evangelical fundamentalist theology for many years and have since “searched” my way out of that into a different place… after many years of study, research and struggle, I have “landed” in a place where I KNOW very little but, because of many of my experiences, I tend to believe in an Intelligent Creator, though that no longer looks the way it did. I have found many American traditional religions to be restrictive, manipulative, and cause people to have zero sense of themselves or a necessary self-love. Somehow many religions are very good at making people feel small and worthless and keeping them in line, telling them exactly how to believe and who to be. Now, I know many people would argue they didn’t get that message, but I did. I learned a lot in churches, I learned a ton of leadership skills, found a sense of community, and saw people love on each other, so I’m not saying it’s all bad or wrong. To each his/her own. But I likely will never be a part of an organized religion again. For me, breaking away has been liberating and has taught me to find healing, therapy, and help to get WELL and get my head on straight. It’s what it took for me, but no judgments. Again, to each his/her own. Do what works for you.

 

I don’t judge any religion harshly (except for any extremists that would advocate killing or hating others).

 

I KNOW very little these days, but I do know that restrictive religions are not for me. I will decide how to chase my God and live my life. I will never hand that power over to anyone or any organization again.

 

I believe all religions have humans and therefore have agendas that are not at all god-like. But that’s just me.

  • I know that I am ready and open for real, authentic and loving connections. I know I will meet the right people at the right time. I seek to have these kinds of relationships with my family first and then outward from there.
  • There is no friend like a friend who will sit and listen to you ramble and struggle, without judgment, who will sit with you in the dark places. I will call out my friend Laura as one who—though we disagree on some things theologically—will and has been there for me through many rough times. What a gem. I need more of that, and I wish it for you, too.
  • I know that I have dropped all of my masks. I think most people go through much or all of their lives (unintentionally) putting on different hats or masks for different people in their lives—spouse one, church one, family one, friends one…etc., but I no longer do that. I’ve always been a very “for real” person and I think I’ve brought that to its fullest extent by dropping all masks. I will be the same ME to anyone I relate to. If anyone doesn’t like it, that’s on them. It’s been such a powerful and empowering thing for me. I no longer live to please others, that’s not what I’m called to do, I don’t think anyone is. But I will always care about my family and hope they love me as I am. (Family includes those close inner-circle friends.)
  • If you don’t have your health (mental, emotional, spiritual, physical) you have nothing.

 

Two pages, and I’m spent for now. Until the next installment…. Who knows what I’ll have learned by then??? Love to you.

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Mark My Word (blog post November 27, 2018)

 

Are you a recovering control freak like me? If you are, you have some tough days ahead. If you haven’t already hit some major walls, had some major breakdowns, they’re coming—mark my word.

One of the truths of the universe, is that we, as individuals, have little-to-no control over anything—ever. In my years on planet earth, this lesson has been pounded into my head in big ways and small.

When you’re a child, you can’t wait to grow up and feel like you’re calling your own shots, doing your own thing, making your own choices… and that is kinda cool, until the larger “adult” realities begin to kick in. With great freedom comes great responsibility, and the older you get, you learn the costs of freedom. AND you learn that there are consequences to your actions.

Sometimes we make things happen in life. Sometimes we make choices with unreasonable expectations of the outcome of these decisions. We think “if I do THIS, then THIS will happen.” Sometimes that is true. Sometimes it isn’t. Because wisdom is learning that you can plan all you want, and sometimes we just do NOT have control of things. Life happens, chaos happens and the bad decisions and choices of others in the world can have a negative outcome for you and I.

“If I get in my car and drive carefully to the store, I’ll get back home safely and in a timely manner.” Well, maybe.

“If I do my work, then everything else will fall into place. I assume everyone else is going to do what they’re supposed to, what I want them to do, and it will all be fine.” We all know what assumptions cause. Major amounts of grief. Assumptions and expectations seem to be at the root of all pain and misery.

If you are deluded into thinking you can change or control someone else, you’re in for a world of hurt. If you think you have absolute control over your life, think again.

So, in the end, when we hit those walls, when we realize that things did NOT go according to plan, when we’re faced with the hard truth that we control NOTHING, the best we can do is scream and cry and then let it go. LET IT GO.

Growing up means that you learn that sometimes you just want to pop down to the store and be home in ten minutes and it works out that way, and sometimes you hit major traffic jams, someone tries to run you off the road, there are not enough cashiers at the check-outs, and on the way home you’re rear-ended, Just for an example. Sometimes, no matter how hard you try, life just doesn’t go your way.

This control thing has come back to the forefront for me over and over and over again, because if you don’t learn a lesson, life keeps teaching it to you UNTIL YOU GET IT.

Man plans, God laughs, it’s a truth. Accept it. Let go of control. Don’t try to change others. Stop expecting perfection of yourself and others. LET IT GO. If you don’t, you’re headed for a breakdown.

MARK MY WORDS.

 

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Dear Ones, It’s Time to Change (In the wake of another mass shooting)

Dear one,

I know it’s hard. Change is always hard. You’ve always been a good person, a person who chased after the things of God, love, and light. It’s not your fault-to a large degree- that you’ve been led so astray. At some point your fervor became more about the rule of law and less about your love for people, it was a slow but natural progression.

Our world promotes this behavior, it works actively to divide and separate us. Label everyone, divvy them up, pit them against each other. It’s a dark plan that has worked all too well.

It’s time to awaken, dear ones, to awaken to see the wool that has been so firmly placed over your eyes. Are we our brother’s keeper? A definitive YES. It’s our fault…. ALL of this. It’s our fault, yours and mine. We’ve been had, fooled, bamboozled.

We are here in this world to love our Creator, (should you choose to believe in one), our world, and our fellow humans, and to care for the animals and all living things on this beautiful earth. We’ve gone so, so far astray.

Hatred, ignorance, placing our hands over our ears and allowing ourselves to be taught things that we know deep down inside are wrong, our hearts have hardened. We hide in our churchy cocoons, our religious belief or lack thereof, we make up our minds about things based on limited information at a young and vulnerable age and then refuse to learn, refuse to grow, refuse to love.

For me, if it does not align with the principles of LOVE then I do not follow it or believe in it, period. It’s that simple. Humans can convolute scripture, belief systems, they can justify anything and everything, and more often than not, we completely miss the forest for the trees.

It’s not about religion or political affiliation. It’s about LOVE and RIGHT and LIGHT vs HATE and WRONG and DARKNESS. That’s the bottom line for me. It’s always been about your heart and your spirit.

Let’s find that inner most child again, get back to basics. Before it’s too late.

 

 

 

 

 

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Some Days…

Some days are joyous celebrations of life,

complete with wine, love, family and friends.

Some days feel like waste; time wasted, life wasted, energy wasted, life has no flavor.

If we aren’t careful it becomes a true roller coaster ride, careening around with our plethora of emotions, dictating what we get out of life, how much we enjoy it.

We must remember that we are the choosers. We decide what our day will be like, our thoughts, our attitudes, our minds. We cannot control anything in life, but we can and must control how we face it.

I choose joy. I choose patience. I choose to enjoy the journey, whether I’m heading up or rolling down or waiting that fees like waste.

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Word Vomit

Today is a day for word vomit. Most assuredly.

Often these days I feel the need to write a chapbook on my thoughts and feelings or I am a dry desert with absolutely nothing to say.

Today is vomit.

I feel nauseated a lot these days, low-level, comes and goes, and it feels like it’s because of the world around me and nothing else. Not my immediate world, which feels good, warm, protected, but the other. The outside.

Life.

I’ve been through what might be described best as a crisis of faith. Or at least others might understand that phrase. It seems to mean that you come out the other side…. And you do, and I have. But I am utterly changed.

Some changes have been very good, and some not-so-much. But it’s growth and change and that seems always to come with pain.

Why do people stay in the same place their whole lives? I know why. Change is hard. It hurts. It’s desperately lonely and confusing, and all the things you thought you knew just aren’t there any more, and those things were comforting. They were somewhat false, yet very comforting, like a small child that is protected in the home of its mother. There is bad out there, but I never think of it, I’m safe here in my cocoon.

I guess I’ve seen more of the world and I know why people don’t want to see it, not really. It can be ugly and painful and dirty and all-too-real. So we close ourselves off in different types of protective cocoons, and thank God for them, because without them, we’d all surely go mad.

I now know more about myself, about who I truly am, than I ever have. (The good, the bad, and the ugly.) I have more confidence, more of an ability to stand up for myself and others, that’s a good thing. More love, more compassion than I have ever known possible, yet I feel as though my eyes are more open than ever before. And with eyes open, one sees the bad as well as the good. We feel the pain AND the joy. Maybe it’s something to do with a lifetime of hiding and stuffing, stuffing down those feelings, pains, hurts, hiding from the harshness. I’ve emerged, ready to face it all. Stronger in many ways, yet utterly changed.

To face one’s self, to see yourself for who and what you are, to unpack it all, it’s a journey. And one that only ends when your time on this earth is done. (And if you believe in the eternity of souls, then a new journey begins.) I tend to believe it, maybe because I always have, and there is comfort in believing that we don’t just end. It boggles the mind. I am not sure I’d ever choose to believe that there is nothing after our bodies die. I understand why people do believe it, more than I ever have understood, but I don’t think I can go there.

I think most people’s lives aren’t set up to have the kind of time needed for deep personal/soul reflection. To excavate it all. It takes massive amounts of time. Maybe that’s why it often comes to people as they age and their lives slow a bit. I’ve gotten off the hamster wheel, I am blessed to be able to, and I am grateful that I can work as much as I want to. Or as little.

I’m off the wheel, and it feels mostly great, but also, I sometimes miss the madness. The pace of life with children always under foot, massive amounts of responsibilities to others. There is a feeling of purpose in it.

But this—this time—there is purpose in it as well. And I search for it daily. In words, in the blank page, the empty canvas. I see it in the eyes of family. I hear and feel their love for me, and I know it doesn’t hinge on my duty for them, or theirs for me.

That rare gem of a true friend, the one you can always call or email or text, and they are always there at the other end. It is a priceless gift.

Thanks for listening my friends.

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She Sings (An Elderly Woman’s Tale)

Aged and aging, sitting on the porch,

reminiscing about her life, she rocks. She sings.

 

She’s given birth seven times, two died and five thrived,

grew to be parents themselves.

Hard times have come and gone and with each she learned, she grew.

Now she waits for the kids and grandkids to come and visit

and at times the waiting seems like an eternity, so she waits, she rocks, and she sings.

 

She remembers a time when her oldest son wouldn’t let her out of his sight

and she chuckles at the memory. She thought he’d never learn to be apart

from her and now all these years later, he’s learned the lesson all too well.

Busy with his own life, conquering industry and the world,

raising his own little ones, and doing an admirable job of it.

A tear slides down her cheek, a tear of pride and pain at the same time.

 

The second son is in prison, twenty years or more yet to go

and she knows she likely will never lay eyes on him again.

He was the sensitive child, always unhappy,

always in the midst of storms, almost always made by himself.

Troubled, that’s what they called him. A troubled child.

Not strong enough for taking the high roads in life,

but more comfortable on the low roads amongst the

crooks and druggies. Made him feel superior maybe,

or maybe just accepted. He wanted to fit in somewhere,

and now he does.

 

Another tear escapes.

 

The only daughter comes to mind,

now on her third marriage,

a child that lives with her father.

She was the little princess.

Tried to protect her, to show her the way,

and in the end, she just wanted love

and looked for it in all the wrong places.

But a good woman, just the same,

has a good heart.

Works at the diner in town, sixty plus hours a week

and wouldn’t have it any other way.

Maybe works herself into exhaustion so she doesn’t have to think

about the mistakes she’s made in her life,

doesn’t have to think about the days

when she drank heavily and lost custody of her only child.

Such a sad life, yet, she’s trying.

She’s pressing on and there’s something to that.

No matter what, there’s something to that.

 

The two youngest boys are living outside of town,

sharing a rental house together,

going to school and working, carving out lives for themselves.

Only a year apart, they are the tightest of the siblings

and genuinely seem to look out for each other,

and that makes the old lady happy, truly warms her heart.

 

She muses, she remembers, she rocks, she sings.

 

As her heart fills with love and gratitude,

she grows tired. Soon the chair stills as the sun goes down.

The creaking of the chair stops, her head falls forward.

 

In heaven, she appears on a white rocking chair,

she jerks awake. Lifts her head, opens her eyes.

Tears flow down,

 

and she rocks and she sings.

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Or Else

Sometimes I think we are here simply for someone’s amusement.

Ants under the glass, birds in a cage, mice in a maze.

It feels like we’re being tested, constantly tested.

How will I respond to this pressure or that problem?

Will I throw in the towel, give in to depression?

Will I grow bitter and bent like a dying tree?

Or rise from the ashes to conquer life again?

 

When we zoom out and see our world as the blue marble it is

It offers a different perspective.

We’re small, so very tiny and unimportant, or so it seems.

Life, grass, fish, animals, sky, oceans, all connected

Yet we are the species that kills and not for food or survival

But out of some twisted brokenness, some irreparable damage?

Who are we and why are we here?

 

Religions, churches, built to house the seeking and the faithful

And yes, the broken, for we are all this… broken;

Part of a species striving for survival, trying to comprehend human-ness,

Unknowable, unlivable life

Just too difficult for many to live.

Yet hope remains, enough to keep at least most of us from

Taking our own life, taking matters into our own hands.

 

Nations and rulers continue to threaten and boast

Attempting to force the other to conform or else.

Be our religion, worship our god, or else.

Leave us alone or else,

Stop enslaving and destroying the innocent or else,

Do what I say or else.

Someone always waiting to bring the hammer down.

 

We watch way too much, know way too much in the information age.

I now know more than I ever truly wanted to know about the nature of man,

The all-consuming self-destructive nature of man;

Always judging, fault-finding, accusing, trying to change the other guy

In our homes as well as in our world.

Whoever you are, you’re wrong; be more like me, like us,

Or Else.

 

What if we stopped doing that and evolved?

What if we started every conversation from a stand point

Of wonder and awe and love and acceptance?

What if we saw ourselves as the blue marble miraculously

Balanced in the skies?

What if we acknowledged the miracle of our existence;

The wonder and beauty of existing at all?

 

I’m the first to say I don’t understand.

I don’t know what God is up to,

Why all this happened, what it’s all about.

And yes, I’ve heard hundreds of people tell me

Their version of belief, their reality, their belief system.

The scriptures as explained by many millions and no two

Even agree on what they say and why, not really,

Not in the end.

 

So, it’s up to me to figure it out, for me.

What do I believe? What’s it all about?

I’ve got to learn to live with unanswered questions,

Because I believe nobody here can truly tell me, not really,

And I’ve got to figure out how to live on this rock

Not knowing, not fully understanding, I’ve got to be okay with that;

I’ve got to, or else.

 

Or else all hope is gone and I won’t live like that.

I won’t live a hopeless life.

Hope in my Creator not to abandon us entirely,

Hope for change, for life, for love.

I have to hope that things can get better

Because why else would we be here

If not to try to bring about positive change?

 

And change never comes unless one person says;

It starts with me, right here, right now.

I’ll change me with divine help, I’ll determine to love more,

Hate less, judge less, reach people more…

 

Love More.

We have to, we really do, or else.

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Unmet Expectations: The Root of All Evil

 

Thinking a lot about expectations today. I once expected that all of my needs in every area would be met by my parents. They’d keep me full (physically and emotionally) and make sure I had all that I needed. I had pretty good parents, (certainly as compared to some I’ve heard about). So by and large, those needs were met pretty well. Sure, I got mad or upset with them, but they did the best they could.

As a pre-teen and into my teens, I think I transferred those expectations to boys. If I met the right boy, it would make me feel wonderful and fulfilled and all would be well.

When I was a child, as well as when I got closer to adulthood, I began to seek out the meaning of life; to understand religion and all things philosophical, and for a long while felt fulfilled following religion. But there were times, I fell hard. I would realize that people in churches were also human and fallible. Religions were man-made and far from problem-free.

My expectation was that having faith would totally fulfill me and perfect my life. Logically, I always knew this wasn’t so, that nobody is perfect, and even faith itself is not perfect. But many, myself included, at times in my life, have found great pleasure and fulfillment in church communities, gathering with other people who were at least somewhat like-minded, looking to something above and beyond ourselves for answers. It was, in a measure, fulfilling. At least I could feel as though I was being and doing everything I was supposed to do and be. Or, I thought so at the time. There is something true and real in seeking out the un-understandable; at least for me, there has been. I used to think I had a handle on some things. My ducks were in a row, my boxes were secure and ticked.

My view of God and of spirituality is totally different now. If only I could relate this eloquently and in a manner others could understand, but I’ve tried, and I can’t. I’m letting it go, (the need for others to understand).

Spirituality is a lifelong process, I know that now. To grow in every area, you must be willing to change, to take what the Creator brings your way. I’ve had to learn to grow through things, not shut down. My faith looks nothing like it did twenty years ago, or even ten, and I’m convinced that’s by design.

I expected as an adult to have a long, healthy life; particularly once I began to figure out how to eat better, exercise and take care of myself. This is another expectation that isn’t necessarily reliable. Nobody knows how many days or years they have on this planet. At least nobody on this side of the divide.

I expected that 2 and 2 would always equal 4. That things were always black and white, that things would always make sense. I have now acknowledged the gray.

I never expected that I’d have auto-immune disease, or any of many other things I’ve dealt with and deal with daily.

I never expected to get old. This is a tough one, because everyone knows they will age, yet somehow, we’re never really ready for it when it comes. In my twenties and thirties, I probably would’ve said that being in my fifties felt like it was a million years away and unfathomable; yet here I am. A grandmother several times over.

Some expectations have been met, and some things are far better than even I imagined. I have an amazing life partner and husband, three beautiful and amazing grown kids. I have a truly wonderful life.

And I still feel myself setting up expectations in areas of my life that blow up in my face.

My husband isn’t responsible for my happiness or fulfillment. That was a big lesson to learn. I enjoyed the tear-jerking, earth-shattering, unbelievably blessed years and moments of raising kids, but ultimately, I can’t lay my happiness at their feet or at the feet of “family.”

I know some truly unique and loving people, friends. Can’t lay my expectations there, either. People often end up being (shock) very human in the end. I’m learning to let them be.

I’ve learned that happiness, joy, fulfillment, it only comes from the inside out. It isn’t about the outer, it’s about the inner.

And the journey led right back to me.

I now know I should keep my expectations right where they belong; in check. Right here at my feet, at my door. God and the universe does their thing and I do mine. Everyone else does theirs.

Ultimately, I have zero control over most things. I make decisions and deal with the consequences. And when life doesn’t go as planned, and expectations aren’t met, I come back to this; God and the universe does their thing and I do mine. Everyone else does theirs.

That’s just the way it goes. And that’s okay.

 

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Hangin’ In (Enjoying the Journey)

It is such an incredible joy to be able to do what I love to do and focus only on creativity and artistic endeavor at this point in my life. I know that people often feel the need to do what it takes to pay the bills (and responsibility is a very good thing), but these days I can’t imagine spending 40 plus hours a week having to do something to further someone else’s agenda rather than my own.

I’m incredibly blessed at this stage, that I can work at my own pace without the lights being turned off for lack of payment. But I don’t know many who got to such a place quickly or easily.

Even so, I’d encourage every person to search after work that feeds their soul as well as their tummy. I was always pretty good with office work, and I find that if you’re good at something, you tend to enjoy it a little more. I also have an undying love for coffee, and worked at coffee shops more than once in my life. I’ve had several “normal” jobs in my life (meaning outside the realm of artistic endeavor; writing, painting and the like). But even while you’re doing what you have to do, try extra hard to make it something you’re passionate about. It will make those work hours go by faster and easier.

My husband, BFF and business partner is a tech genius in my estimation.  I couldn’t do what he does any more than he could write a fiction novel, but he’s good at his job, which makes it a little bit easier to expend a lot of his life doing it.

We only get this one life. I find it to be a necessity to do what you love, (even if you have to do something you love a little less until you can do what you love a little more–later on down the line.)

Hang on, don’t give up on your dreams. I’m holding on and hanging in, even when people aren’t throwing money at me for doing it. Because I insist on enjoying the journey–every single day that I can.

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Journey Well!

I’ve been on a journey of self-discovery, a deep, personal, spiritual journey, for, well, many, many years, but on a different level–for over seven years now. Here are some conclusions I’ve drawn:

Nobody will every be their best until they take the time to do the work; unpack their baggage, face their demons. You can coast along, same stuff different day, until the day you die, but growth takes courage, time and the willingness to change.

People, by and large, believe that anything with the word “self” in it, means you’re being selfish. Self-discovery, self-esteem, self-confidence; but the exact opposite is true. All of these things are essential to be who you were meant to be, so that you can ultimately be a positive influence on those around you and accomplish all the things you’re called to do. Do the work. There are no short-cuts.  People may call you selfish, but one of these life lessons, is knowing who and what to listen to; don’t fall for it. People say a lot of things. That’s their limited perspective, not your reality.

I do believe there can come a time when it’s time to put away the self-analyzing behavior. You can get stuck in there, so be careful not to. Unpack your bags, figure yourself out, love yourself, then, after all is put away in its proper place, turn and face the world again, with newfound strength and abilities. There does come a time when you’re healed enough to be outward-focused without doing damage to those around you.

You never truly “arrive” because life is, after all, a continuing journey. There is no final destination; face each morning as it comes, prepared to conquer one day.

Journey well, my friends!

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On Growing

 

You wake up one day and realize it’s your first day of first grade and everything is new and exciting and you feel so big and bright and cute and special, because your mom told you so.

Next thing you know you’re in the third grade crying in the cloak room because somebody made fun of you. You don’t feel special, not at all.

Then you’re starting the tenth grade and you just know it will all be different this year, you’re coming into your own, you have friends, everything will be okay. And then of course it isn’t, it really isn’t. Your best friend betrays you. Boys tease you. Your body has changed so much you don’t recognize yourself anymore and all you feel is… awkward.

Then comes graduation day, that best day of all days when your whole life truly begins and everything will be great because you’re all grown up and make your own decisions. The world is your oyster.

But there is no pearl.

Living somewhere costs money and you don’t have any, and believe it or not, people don’t really love you coming over to visit and then just moving in. Things are expected of you. Responsibilities. You have to get a job. You have to eat.

So you meet someone and you marry because then, oh boy, then you will really have it all. Someone is going to take care of you and make you happy now.

And they do, until… until they don’t. And then it’s all just too much, you can’t take the fighting, and you finally leave, you get out, because then you’ll be free and happy at long last.

Except you aren’t.

And on and on it goes until one day you awake and look in the mirror and there you are, that little girl—eyes and heart all full of hope now gone—and in her place is an old person, staring back at you.

Your kids, they’re brilliant diamonds but they grew up.

They left.
You’re alone.
Again.
Unhappy.
Again.

And then one morning as you look into the mirror searching for the little girl inside, you see a spark. “There you are, you stupid girl. Why did you always expect so much of everyone and everything? And all along you were right there.”

“I just wanted love. I just wanted acceptance. I just wanted happy,” the little girl says.

And you say back to her, “The capacity for all of those things was right there inside of you the whole time.”

And you smile.
And you laugh.
And you find that you can choose it all for yourself.

So simple, yet not so easy.