Hello my lovely buds. Throat has been so sore. My voice is leaving me. I can’t wait for whatever this is to leave me. But today my mind has been very active and my spirit and soul are well. I am constantly having things pop into my head I want to jot down so I’ll probably be having some long posts for a bit. (The steroids are making my mind very active!)
To touch on another mindset that I felt was toxic (from my previous life) I want to talk a bit about confidence versus humility. I’ve worked so hard on myself these last ten years or so and have gone a long way towards healing a lot of bad gunk (toxic lessons) I felt that were either purposefully or inadvertently pounded into my head over the years, and realize this was my life experience I’m sharing, which includes church experiences and life experiences and a sum total of all of my experiences.
I was, twenty years ago, a person with very limited confidence, and can at times feel that ghost over my shoulder. I like to shoo it away when that happens. One of the things that happens when you do the work on YOU is you begin to know yourself very well. Sometimes we have such a little sense of self that we cannot even tell ourselves what we are good at, what we excel at, without wincing. I used to always say things in a self-deprecating manner. There is a time and place for some of that, and it does seem to demonstrate modesty and humility, at least on the surface. But I believe it can feed negative thoughts and perceptions in your brain if done too often or in the wrong circumstance. It took me forever to just say “thank you” when someone would compliment me. I’d stammer and turn red, and try to explain why I wasn’t pretty or I wasn’t good at such-n-so at all. I’ve done some good work there.
I know what I’m good at and what I suck at. I don’t have near as much of an issue about taking a compliment, especially in an area where I feel secure about myself. I’m secure that I am an average (at least) good-looking woman. I have great hair. See? That didn’t kill me or anyone else. I know that I excel at writing. I may not be the best in the universe but I’m good at it and I don’t have a problem with saying it sometimes (if it comes up.) It is NOT (in my way of thinking) less than humble to know your strengths and weaknesses. I am certainly NOT as confident in every area of my life. (What’s that saying? Be brave enough to suck at something new), and that’s so true.
Not being allowed to admit, even to myself, that I was a good person, or that I was good at anything was pretty devastating to my self-esteem. I did not feel allowed to do so, not by any of my experiences. It has taken me a bit to get over that. I am over it.
The times I do feel insecure are 1) around new people or large groups of people, especially ones I don’t know, 2) doing something new that I’m unsure I’ll be good at, and being afraid of someone calling me out for not being good at it. (Nobody likes being called out for weaknesses or lack of talent.) And that touches on perfectionism, and I am a recovering perfectionist. Those are two that come easily to mind. I am getting better at sharing the “less than pretty” parts of me without worrying about the opinions of others.
Vulnerability. It’s a thing.
I know that I have come out of being a teenager who craved attention so badly that I ended up being in some very bad and painful circumstances. I used to blame myself for that, but one learns to give oneself grace (or hopefully one does). I’ve long-since forgiven myself for anything I DID do, and have put the blame for people who hurt me squarely where it belongs. I know my own past, so I know that craving attention could be a trap for me. (I am a Leo, after all, at times, a self-confessed drama queen) so this is an area that I have to guard in myself carefully. I have learned to watch for the signs and catch myself out.
Am I bending too far to fit in with someone I do NOT even need to be around? And BOOM, you see where that connects directly to setting boundaries. I have to give myself the boundary of not going too far in a bad direction for the benefit of someone else, especially someone who may well not have my best interest at heart. I tend to be empathetic and I do care, so that leads sometimes to bending over backwards to let everyone have total access to me, and of course that can be a bad thing at times. It will WEAR YOU OUT. As an empath I do have to guard my energy (physical, emotional, spiritual) very closely. It’s why, if I do not connect with someone on some sort of deep level, or if someone is very against me or something I stand for (negative energy) I will get away from them quickly now. I finally learned to do that. Life-saving lesson.
Amazing how that connected up to what I was talking about on earlier posts. (Men are waffles and women are spaghetti, right? Cuz I’m totally spaghetti.)
Peace Out til the next installment!
🙂