Tag: life

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TOWOIT part 2 book excerpt (and my belief systems are in here)

The Only Way Out is Through–Part Two

(Profoundly Human)

 

Author’s Note:

Almost as soon as I put TOWOIT up for sale, (the first memoire), I knew I had more to say and that I would want to document what happened next—AFTER the healing, AFTER the release and letting go. This book is part of my continuing story documenting my continuing life. I hope it resonates with some, encourages others. ((This is a raw unedited version that will no doubt change before publishing))

December 2022. I put the book up for sale and that very day began a release and a continuation of my healing journey.

As you know if you know anything about me, I document my life. I do this in various ways as the spirit moves. I began doing YouTube videos, which at the time of this writing, have not caught on well, but I will let the universe guide me on whether or not to continue. I’m a gal with a lot to say.

I blog, I fill numerous journals a year, I pontificate on Facebook and am tolerated well by most, if not all. If they don’t get me, they leave, and that is as it should be.

When we were little, I made my brother cry once because we were on a road trip and I wouldn’t stop talking. “Mama, please make her stop!” my brother cried as my parents tried not to laugh out loud.

Intense. Tightly wound. A lot. (Some of you can relate.) And of course, we say, “If I’m too much, go find someone who is less.”

I wish that everyone like this, those of us who are “a lot” could have at least one person who loves and adores us just as we are. I would allow my grown kids to speak for themselves on whether they would say they are that for me—I am certainly that for them. I know they love me. But my ONE biggest supporter has always been my husband. He is the rarest of all rare gems. I truly believe at times that he is an angel sent to be with me on this journey because my creator knew I would never thrive without ONE. I could never be who I am or do what I do.

If you are one that has been called any of the above things, please know you are not alone. There are many of us here on planet earth who feel we don’t belong. We are not at home here. We don’t have a friend tribe like they always do on those TV shows. Sadly, many take their own lives or fall into massive depression (been there) as they try to cope and understand this shit-show they have been dropped into. But I get ahead of myself a little.

After the healing began, after the book was published, I did of course continue my Seeker journey. In fact, I felt as though I was released to now go out and explore my spiritual life way more and in a larger way than I had done before—over the last 12-14 years, because I had set aside or dealt with the largest wound I needed to heal, the biggest thing that had been holding me back for so many years. Finally, with a huge sigh of relief, I knew I could move forward.

One thing I will drop into your hands immediately is that I have come to believe more of an Eastern mindset or faith system than a Western Judeo-Christian mindset or belief. Though there is a lot of crossover (things I do believe that Western Christianity believes.) I still haven’t and won’t “pick a religion” as we seem to be forced into doing, by controlling mankind. For those who need to label me, call me a Seeker—it seems to work best.

One thing I have really come to believe on a Zoomed Out level (perspective) is that we are all (all of humanity) seeking the same thing—God/Source/Truth. We all want to know where we came from, Who or What made us, How we got here, ya know, just the basics. (The BIG basics.) Those questions we all ask in our lives. Why are we even here?

I once had a totally Judeo-Christian understanding or thought that has now, after much reading, research, seeking—CHANGED totally. I will endeavor to explain some of that or at least show you how and what I believe to be true as I see it, throughout these pages. It will ooze into and out of all that I say. Think Eastern though, more than Western, (some of you know what that means contextually.)

As has become apparent, I did not find healing and wholeness in the standard American Christian experience. For several years, I found friendship, hope, a way of life, community, a place that helped me grow a bit and gave me the “launching pad” from which I could try to help others or be of service. But, as stated in the previous book, I had a large tumor-like wound inside me that nobody even touched, nor did I feel at liberty to discuss it in the church. Or to discuss it in our society, for my whole life. Those who have been through similar trauma know what I mean. It isn’t talked about—we stuff it down, we don’t air our private dirty laundry, we don’t fling open the doors to our closets and let our skeletons come screaming out. But it is the way. It is the ONLY WAY. The ONLY way out is through. We have to let it come to the surface, shine light on the darkness and allow the long arduous healing process to begin.

I study (heavily these days) psychology and one thing that is trendy these days with CBT (Cognitive Behavioral Therapy) and some of the other popular current therapy methods is that—they don’t really want to talk about your trauma anymore like they did 20 or 40 years ago. They actually don’t want to talk about it any more than is necessary to understand you and what happened to you. It’s not the way the modern-day therapist works (and I am generalizing here). They want to grab you where you are and help propel you into a more functional human being, ever-forward, never looking back. Or rarely looking back.

The issue I have with these methods is that, without ever truly facing what happened to you, at least for me, there was and could be NO healing. I had to dig it out, process it, look at it, FEEL it, and then learn how to let it go. (They are way better at helping you let it go.) So, in my opinion, it is valuable for a person seeking today’s brand of therapy, to already have come to terms with your trauma before you ever get to their couch. How does one do that? This is the $4,000 question. I can only share some of the ways I did it. I am not a psychologist or psychiatrist, but I study psychiatry (take classes continually) because it helps me, informs me, and it lights me up—it’s just something I am very interested in and I have always been a studier of human behavior. In recent years I became certified (in holistic medicine) for Art Therapy and also got a Life Coaching certificate, simply as a way to help both myself and others should that come to pass. I’ve garnered what I believe to be a cache of wisdom but it has not necessarily been on a traditional path.

Also, something I can drop into your hands, is that I am coming face to face (in my spiritual journey) with what one might call spiritual gifts or supernatural giftings or callings. I have had some but never pursued them, believing in my churchical days that they may not be perceived well, or God forbid, they may label me a Prophet or some such and make a big stink about it. The introvert  in me didn’t like that plan. Also, I didn’t really LOOK at them, I shoved them aside. Fear, or whatever. I didn’t want to mess with it all.

I have had what was called in churches “Words of Knowledge” wherein I knew something about someone I could not possibly have known. Out in the real world they may call that a bit of psychic ability. (Funny, when it is in the church, they call that a good thing, but if it is outside the church it is considered by the old-timers to be evil or demonic. Poppycock. There’s an old-fashioned word for ya.)

I have also experienced dreaming or being in a meditative state and seeing things that later come true. I am greatly empathic and intuitive and had–I mean HAD to learn about borders and boundaries so as not to be overwhelmed with other people’s lives and emotions. I always knew, for example, I could never be a doctor or a nurse because of how I “match energy” so easily. I feel what others feel. That is a TOUGH way to live. If you are similar, you know what I mean. I protected myself by playing up my introverted side, by having big boundaries about the energy (people) I would allow myself to be around. Still do that. Have to.

People would tell me when I was younger that I could be a “chameleon” in that I knew how to get along with and connect with a lot of different kinds of people. Also, girlfriends thought I was a “goody-2-shoes” (don’t know where that saying started) and did not understand that I could see where something was heading and I did NOT want to go there. I always see three or four steps ahead which is a personality trait as well as a gift. (And sometimes feels like a curse.) My bosses would call me negative because I could take their plan and tell them all of the potential pitfalls and why a plan likely wouldn’t work out the way they wanted it to. It’s not a popular trait (though it could be so valuable if people would listen!). Hubs has this same gift. He butts heads at work a lot.

So, whatever you believe or I choose to believe about these gifts, as part of my spiritual journey, I am acknowledging them and accepting them, and have to believe they may increase as I do this, but I am open to whatever Source wants. I get “woo-woo” sometimes, people. It’s gonna happen more.

Understand that I am all about “what others think about me is none of my business” so if you can’t handle the woo-woo, go in peace.

Much of what was and is considered to be witchcraft and demonic is simply people with giftings, people with an ability and a desire to grow herbs and plants and to draw close to nature and that are very into natural holistic modes of healing (brewing their potions and salves) for healing, NOT for harm. They burned people for that. Ridiculous.

Some have and do take a gift and then they (as a person) choose to go to the dark side. It happens. Some pretend to have gifts that don’t so that they can dupe people.

Let’s talk demons and possession. This is something I have read about and seen videos and think about a lot. I think (right at this moment anyway) that I DO believe it can happen. A person can become possessed or even just influenced by a demon or just a negative spirit or energy. Everything that is not alive and breathing is NOT a demon, though, as Christianity would have us believe. Sometimes spirits (who are people like us who no longer have a physical body) come visit. They watch us and hang out because they love us and are fascinated by us. Everyone always says, “they’re stuck” and I gotta believe, because of all I have learned, they are NOT stuck. They have a reason to be here. Most of the time it is because they have loved ones they want to be near. I believe that low-vibrational people become low-vibrational spirits and if they were mischievous in life they will be as a spirit as well. There is such a thing as bad energy carried around by some spirits and we must learn how to avoid that.

ALL that I have come to believe over the last months and years, I will share here.

I have come to believe that everything is energy and vibration. Have you ever watched those videos where they will place sand or water on a platform and play music under it? Have you ever seen how beautiful and glorious and mind-boggling those patterns are? The sand will leap itself into the most beautiful, artistic, amazing shapes, patterns. This is a way of proving to us that patterns exist. That vibration is everything. Tune your channel accordingly. You choose to vibe high or low. (How? What do you think and speak all day long? Is it positive or negative? Do you think that generates positive or negative energy and vibrations? What do you think it attracts to it?) If you’ve never really thought about that before, I challenge you to do so.

You ever notice how we humans can get stuck in patterns of behavior and can make the same mistakes over and over again? Some call that a Karmic loop. You have a negative experience so you speak of it in a negative way. You speak negative all the time. Your life and experiences become more and more negative. It’s a self-fulfilling prophecy.

You ever see positive people being all smiley and happy and living a great life and you just want to punch them? You want to know why them and not you? They’ve learned how to handle their stuff. They’ve learned how to be in control of their minds, bodies, emotions, rather than their emotions constantly taking off on their own and dragging you along behind. They’ve broken that cycle of negativity. It is mind-blowingly simple. (Not easy, due to our programming.) Just stop. Stop complaining all the time. Stop allowing everything or anything negative to come forth out of you. Control it. I’m not saying “don’t have emotions” I’m saying learn how to observe them and let them pass, NOT control you.

You know I have had to learn this lesson because I have told you what an empath I am and how I pick up on EVERYthing. I had to learn these things and yes it took me years. I wish it wouldn’t have. I wish someone like me would’ve come along and said, “Hey, listen, there’s an easy fix for that.” And that I would’ve listened to them and tried it out. It’s a simple experiment you can do for a month or 6 months, but give it time, because the universe doesn’t operate on your time table.

VERY important to mention here is this: DO NOT judge where someone else is. Why? Some are in a totally different place than you are and that does NOT make them less than. We are all learning different lessons we were sent here to learn, at different times. Our journeys will not ever look (from the outside) the same. We are not Stepford Children. (If you don’t know what that means, look up Stepford Wives.)

Everything is energy and vibration. What you tune into is what you attract. It’s called The Law of Attraction and it is Universal Law, meaning it always works, every time, throughout the universe. We humans are confounded by the simple. Try it out. What have you got to lose? Negativity? Being stuck in a loop? This is not religion, my friends, it’s science. It works. It’s proven. It’s what energy does.

You and I are energy, BTW, which is why I finally became convinced that we are eternal. As Source, we have always been and will always be. The only question is where. (We are splinters, you might say, of Source. He is in us.)

I know I’m dropping a lot of stuff here but try to stay with me. This is a great segue into talking about HELL.

I have found in reading many theologians, archeologists, historians, the smartest of the smart, NDEs out the wazoo (Near Death Experiences) that there is no evidence that there is an actual literal hell. Many theologians will back me up on this. There is Gehenna, which was an actual place, a fire pit where they threw dead bodies and those with leprosy and the like ended up there. It was an actual fiery pit. It is NOT where we go when we die. I believe this, my friends, whole-heartedly, that we have been under wrong teaching and wrong interpretation about this for years. Why? Man’s agenda. “Religious people” and leaders, believe it or not, can sometimes have, and often did back in the day, an agenda all their own. They wanted to control people, frighten them, and convince them of a hateful, vengeful God bent on casting them into the lake of fire if they did wrong. Pretty powerful imagery, right? You see, MEN have a desire (I mean mankind) to see justice and revenge and all manner of things. “If you do this or don’t do that you will go to hell.” They meant to scare the shit out of people to get them to behave themselves, and it sometimes worked.

The other side of the coin is this:

I believe Source (and that’s what I call God in order to differentiate from the one I was taught wrongly about) is a Creative Benevolent Being. MEN want to see certain people burn in hell. Source does not. He is LOVE. And a love we cannot fathom. If we could fathom it we would know in our deepest intuitive spirits and souls that what I am saying is true. It is not in Source’s nature.

This one thing right here has driven more people away from God and Christianity and Religion than any other single thing. We don’t understand who or what God/Source is. We cannot fathom it. Our spirits are trying to tell us different than what church/bible tells us. It’s that nag (tap-tap-tap) of spirit that took me out of church.

There are physicists and scientist alive today who have come all the way around from Atheism to a belief in an intelligent creator, because they get to a point where they say, “Okay, then what created THAT?” Because underneath it all is still a creative force they do not understand and that science has never acknowledged. The more they look at and the more they understand, the more they see that there is something they do not understand. The creative force behind it all.

I have had a vision that—there is one truth and only one thing that happened, and we are all everywhere, all at the same time, trying to understand it from our own limited perspectives and knowledge. There’s just one What Happened. There can only be one. Look at the shape of the pyramid and realize that as we all (in our own studies and our own cultures) go higher and higher in understanding we meet one day at the top. We converge, and then BOOM-we all see it. Source, the benevolent creator.

He Big-banged. He wanted others outside himself, (and oh by the way, he is not he), so he threw out his arm and Big-banged and the universes and the galaxies became and then began to evolve and grow and change. Source wanted to experience this. He (for the sake of argument) is IN us, learning what we learn, seeing what we see, and when we die, we go back to our home, we report in, we look over our life’s journey, we all learn from it, and in an attitude of welcome and the most powerful love you have ever felt, you are welcomed back to your celestial home with Source. For the first time since entering planet earth, you feel at home.

And the final bomb I will drop on you about my beliefs is this: I absolutely believe in reincarnation. More and more and more people are beginning to see it as the only way of explaining a LOT of stuff. Past-life regression. Kids being born that actually still remember their previous life. Many children do but are “taught” out of it as they grow. In some ways they are more intelligent than we are when they are born. Closer to their experience with Source. And kids are being born smarter every generation. (Have you seen my six-year-old grandson who taught himself Mindcraft?) They are being born with more in their DNA than we had. Because evolution is a part of what Source created. We are evolving. And many of you know it. You know it and you’ve seen it and seen strange things and didn’t know how to explain it, but it is a part of Source’s plan—we keep learning, keep growing, keep changing, ascending to higher and higher levels of awareness and understanding. Your “Religion” tells you these things can’t be so—and meanwhile the angels weep. We have gotten it so wrong, my friends. SO wrong. But we did the best we could for that time, but this is a new time, we know more. We CAN know more. We are fractals of the Living Source and Creator of all things. Think on that. Pray on it. I believe your spirit will tell you the truth of it.

Went into preach mode there. It’s a thing. But I find these things to have been proven out to me. If you only ever study the bible, you’ll only ever know the bible. Source wants you to learn so much more. He did not say Stop learning and growing from this time forward, but that is how it is taught. We’ve missed the mark there.

Open your hearts and minds and discover what life was MEANT to be for us. There is so much more.

 

((More excerpts in the coming months.))

((For questions or discussion–if you-(like me)–just like to discuss these things– find me at plswyers@gmail.com))

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Updated Manifesto or “My POV” for Feb 2023

So, lately my brain is being tickled by podcasts about Awareness, Consciousness, new levels of energy, transformation, vibes, etc. Learning about the Simulation Theory lit me up so much I floated for days. (Look for podcasts about it, it will blow your mind.) I can give you some names of some scientists and physicists and the like to listen to, if you have interest but a search will find you a lot, especially on YouTube. Next Level Soul is one of those podcasts that can touch on some really–some would say “out there” topics, but mandinga, you have got to open and stretch your mind. It doesn’t mean you have to full on obsess about every topic you hear, but just learning what our scientists are learning about today, that alone will give you food for thought for the remainder of this year.

For the first time EVER in our civilization, we, the everyday people, have full access to go straight to the horse’s mouth, bypass the government gate-guards and hear what is coming down the pike. Raw, unfiltered, by those experiencing it and finding out this new information, (and there is a lot) but I will have to warn you–unless you are very open-minded–all you have learned before will rise up and stop you (your programming) from even listening. Just be prepared. This is next level stuff, to hear what physicists are learning directly from them, and scientists, and that’s mind-boggling enough even if you never listen to the “spiritual gurus” out there. (Next-level mind-blowing for sure.)

For me, I am loving just diving in and listening to things like Danica Patrick’s podcast Pretty Intense. She interviews a lot of people who have some quite interesting things to say. The thing I love and relate to so much with Danica is her curiosity.  She asks all the questions I would ask and she gets excited and passionate about the subject, as do I. That’s not to say I 100% agree with everything out there, that’s not even possible, but there is so much good info to sort through. A favorite interview was with Dr. Stephen Grier (I think I’ve spelled that right) and he has the military background and lots of letters after his name, but he has had first-hand experiences with Life On Other Planets, let’s just say. This stuff lights me up and I enjoy it so much. (Neil Degrasse Tyson, Dr. Zach Bush, and many other brilliant minds are interviewed and will give you food for thought for weeks and months.)

Then, of course, all the tons of discussions about spirituality and awareness and consciousness… I am trying to take all of that slow and really process through it. I am particularly interested in vibrations and energy and the idea of different dimensions. Did I say these are DEEP discussions happening? They truly are. And fascinating.

One thing that has really struck me like a lightning bolt is that many of these scientists now see and believe in a “higher consciousness” or “source” (which brings some scientists in alignment with the idea of God) and this is SO new. There has been such a disconnect and people always think “You believe in God or Science, not both” but I always believed that there is only one real actual truth of what happened, how we got here, etc., and the rest is all just our trying to understand it. All of us. All over the world, just trying to understand, what happened? Why are we here? Who or what put us here and for what purpose?” Very deep questions. And, of course, the most closed-minded of us are the ones who say “Oh I already know that” and they point to their bible or their religion to explain it all. Sorry, folks, but it all is 1% of a very large story, and is not at all sufficient for understanding it all. There is so much more to learn and know, and many of us these days are wanting to open our minds and know it. (And I’ve said this before, but there is much to be concerned about in the bible–it teaches that we ought to stone our children if they disobey us, it’s okay to sleep around for men as long as they don’t masturbate, men can take many wives, and slavery is okay. That’s just a few things off the top of my head.) The wisest of the bible-believers have had to accept that it is written by man and has a ton of cultural stuff in there that we cannot and must not accept as a “do this” list for today. That said, it has some great messages that I believe were for us–unfortunately they are buried deep in the mire of a hot mess. Don’t throw things at me–I think it speaks for itself.

I firmly believe that anyone who thinks they know it all–are the most lost and confused people on our planet. “I had that figured out when I was 15 or 25 or whatever…”  Nope. No, you didn’t. We are still at the very earliest stages of figuring it out. But we never will as long as people refuse to learn and factor in new facts and new information. Is there a ton of stuff to filter through? Absolutely. But finding those rich nuggets of what has been proven scientifically as fact, those things alone will change the mindset of most anyone who is open enough to hear and process new data.

For me, knowing there is like a gazillion universes is enough to prove to me that Earth cannot possibly be the only planet with sentient life. (Did they know this 2k years ago?? Absolutely not, and would not have been able to process such info.)

If you accept that there are other life forms, then a next question might be “Do they mean us harm or good?” Dr. Grier could speak to that. They are so far advanced beyond us that cruelty to other life forms would never enter their minds.  Many also believe that when we split the atom (first bombs we made) it got the attention of life on other planets and many are concerned about us. Our technology might be outpacing our love and compassion and our ability to regulate ourselves and come together as one united species. I believe it blows their minds to see us trying to kill each other on the daily. I don’t believe they want us travelling into space with weapons and a very limited understanding of who and what else is out there. And the future is gonna be something else.

It excites me! What a freaky time to be alive.

Now–next thing. I am warming up to the idea that (and this from lots of study of NDE–near death experiences) that we come from a place (some would say heaven) and choose to be born here on Earth. Afterwards, we go back to this place, a sort of “train station” and the guides help us figure out whether we will be born again on Earth or go on to some other experience (one of which may be that you are asked to be a spirit guide for others). I assume or think that this station is also “heaven” and that some may be allowed to just stay there and hang out and not move on, but certainly can’t be sure on any of this. All supposition.

I totally believe we are energy and energy never dies, so it follows that we go somewhere and do something–else. I think this very belief system is what scientists are now factoring in and are beginning to see things differently.

To me, all of this means, there is a thing that happened–and here we are. We are all trying to understand that with many varying POV’s, religions, traditions, and scientists, etc . But maybe the truth would actually bring us together, believers and scientists, all religious backgrounds, united under that one central truth–the one we are all trying to find (in our imperfect ways).

This lights me up and gets me up in the morning. Learning can be such a powerful thing. Having an open mind to new information is SOOOO powerful and life changing. Wisdom, discernment and filters on–and nobody going nutso over anything–but just learning and observing. The truth will out.

“The truth is out there.” Mulder and Scully. Had it right all along.

Meanwhile, as we are all searching, can we start trying to be more loving and accepting and unify our species–the humans–together so that we can get on with this thing?  I believe also (not the fun part) that we can and may destroy ourselves if we don’t start getting it right. That’s why I say “rise” and “raise your vibration” and all of those sorts of things. We are down in the muck and the mire, not even walking upright on the street yet, and talking about going into space. Boggles the mind. Awake. Arise. Love. Come together. That’s my new message. That’s where I’m at. It’s a cool place to be.

 

 

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A Day in the Life

Been in therapy a few weeks and just when I begin to wonder if it’s working, I’ve had a couple big breakthroughs, so that’s cool. Pressing on. I’ve stopped looking at things in the same way and feel I can finally focus on forward movement. Now if I could just feel well-rested, those days are great. Rough night last night.

So many people with their opinions of what is right, but they only think “This is Right for All” instead of “This is Right For ME!” If people could just change that one little thing… and I behave the same way often myself. Cuz when you work hard for your belief system and it makes sense to you, it’s tough not to want everyone else to jump on board. But we need to allow each other to have the voyage, the journey, the struggle. It’s what grows us and makes us strong. America was founded on Freedom of Religion, so obviously it was important to the founding fathers. I can’t help but think so many things about our country. I love it here, I know it’s still a great place to be compared to some others, but also… there is so much wrong.

I mean that Thanksgiving pilgrim fantasy we all had… we now know it was all much bloodier than what we like to say each year in November. We have so much more knowledge now… and change is hard for people. Sometimes believing the new information is difficult to impossible for the Old School folks. But we have to be open-minded enough to take in new facts, new information, or we’re just dinosaurs. (And will become extinct, just the same.)

Terroristic shootings have become the norm now, not just the occasional random horror… we’ve become used to it because the far right informs us, we cannot mess with gun laws… and children still die, innocent people still die. There must be a better way. There must be a way to both be able to defend ourselves and our homes and families, while protecting the innocent, and for crying out loud, get people the mental healthcare they need. Lock people up and keep them there, when that is what is necessary. I can’t believe that there is a country as wealthy and large as we are that can’t figure this shit out. Our priorities are skewed. That has become horribly apparent. People just plain don’t want change. They want to say, “I want to go back there,” when there is no going back. We have to deal with the shitstorm that is here and now.

Anyway, unscheduled rant happened.

I am a patriot, believe it or not. The same people I disagree with, I would stand shoulder to shoulder with–to protect them if necessary. But I am not a nationalist. I love people of every background and nationality. The politicians are the ones to hate, if you feel you must, but please don’t take it out on people of other countries, just trying to live, raise their kids, get by. I have friends (thanks to the internet) from lots of different countries, and I have found us to be more alike than different. We all want peace. We all want security, friendship, decent jobs. Take the politics out of it and we are much the same underneath.

Unscheduled rant over. I believe in good, hardworking people, and they can be found all over the globe. If we could just get the politicians to stop shaking their fists at one another and learn to live and let live. But we likely won’t. We may very well destroy ourselves. I truly hope not. But good, kind people do still exist. We need to stand up and make our voices heard, too.

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Today’s Journal Log

I know I do this blogging thing in waves, but here I am again. I might do one every day for a while then stop for months at a time. Just life happening.

The truth is that writing is hugely therapeutic to me, whether it is in a blog, email, letter, journal, or whatever. I feel like I still need to be in therapy but I’m just not willing to pay what it costs. So meanwhile, writing. It often does the trick.

A loved one is in recovery from a fall, and I think she is probably going to be okay this time, but it shook me. I’ve always felt that even the prospect of having to think of someone you love being mortal, of them Ending, is horrific. From the time I was a small child I’ve thought “What a cruel sickening joke” to make humans that love each other and then make them watch one another suffer and die. It’s F’ed up, man. It truly is. Is it an experiment to see how much pain we can handle on planet Earth? I’ll sign a waiver fully stating that I cannot handle it. Period. Done. Don’t even try me. Can I opt out??

Too sensitive for this world. That’s what they say.

And now that I’ve been Debbie Downer… Most days I am coping with life and all that entails. I just have to shut off my overactive mind and put one foot in front of the other. What do I need to do today?? It helps. There’s something to the ol’ One Day at a Time thing. Sweet Jesus. That’s all I’m asking. Just get through today.

I know I have lost some friends, or pushed them away, because in order to survive day to day, I have to stay focused.  I’m called selfish, narcissistic, whatever, but I have to take care of my psyche first or it all falls apart. And I literally do not have the time and energy to put myself around people that I totally disagree with on some major issues and hear that all day every day. Honestly, I can’t take anyone or anything all day every day. My hubs is my best friend in the universe and I need an hour or two away from him occasionally. And he truly is the best human ever, certainly one of them. But with him, I’ve known since Day One that he loved me for me and he doesn’t judge me. That’s so huge. A safe place, that’s what he is.

Anyhoot, I do have a handful of good friends and they know not to expect a call or text from me every day. They know ME and have stuck around, and I am so thankful for that.

Laptop dying, gonna go plug it in. Til next time peeps-

Peace Out

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Treading Water

Haven’t posted in a while, … life, man. Go along smoothly for a time then some new crisis will hit. Just the way it is.

I was feeling like a such a rock star/warrior queen for all of the hard work I’ve done on myself, I thought I was so strong… And I am proud of what I’ve accomplished, that’s true. Not haughty proud but Hey I Did Good proud, the positive kind of pride. Confident. Walking tall.

Truth is though (and this has come back to me like a hard slab of granite to the face this past week) I am a pile of Jello. I’m a softie. I’m not strong. I’m mush. Mashed potatoes. I am (or at least can be) just as sensitive as I have always been, like I was as a kid, before all of life happened and I built walls and tore some of them back down and did all of this inner work. There’s still a creamy gooey center in this chocolate truffle (why am I talking food metaphors? It’s making me hungry) and I was truly unhappy to realize it. Part of me wanted to harden, to be that pillar, that concrete that can withstand all of life’s hurricanes.

I am not there.

When a close loved one is hurt, apparently, I turn into liquid goo. I flash right back to a scared child all over again. It’s been a rough week. Usually, in a crisis, I am a rock, I am the one that stays calm and directs others what to do. Not this time. Too close to home. It cracked something wide open in me. Maybe I needed crackin’.

I felt like as a child growing up, crying was wrong and bad and taboo (and in my earliest years I did a lot of it, my poor folks) but I learned that it was not acceptable behavior. People don’t like (especially back in those days) big displays of emotion. We’re to keep it all stuffed down, keep it locked inside, suck it up buttercup, get over it. I learned that well for a while.

Then I learned (here and now in our modern world) that we must have an outlet for pain. Crying can be good, healing, cathartic. I know people who cry on the daily and there was a time I would’ve thought that weak. I now admire it. I’m jealous, kinda. Keeping pain inside is no bueno. It doesn’t work. Not for anyone. So, I’m learning to cry again, and without guilt or shame. There are certainly things worth crying over. Most certainly. And I admit to feeling better afterwards.

I’m just gonna keep on swimming, swimming, swimming, and when I can’t do that, tread water. Keeping my head up. I might be crying a river at the same time, but I’m keeping my head up.

Anyone need a good cry with me? I have at least one dry shoulder.

Be well, my peeps. Peace Out.

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November 7, 2021 aka It Is What It Is

I sat down the other day and wrote a loooooong blog, only to realize there was an issue and it wouldn’t post and I lost it (because I didn’t write it in Word first like I sometimes do, but tried to save myself a few seconds of work.) Bit me in the butt. We’ll see if it works today.

Trying to stay steady, to maintain. Our lives are good and we are grateful but many that we know are struggling hard in one way or another. It’s hard to watch someone you love suffer in any way, and know there is nothing you can do but hope, pray (if you do), and wait it out. It Is What it Is. My most used phrase of the 2020s. When you can do nothing, you have to lay it down, let it go. Grieve when you must.

I am certainly a person who could easily make myself sick with worry, but I swore a long time ago Not to be that person, or at least to work hard on learning to let go of what you cannot control or change. I think that is one of the hardest lessons to learn–to stay steady in the midst of chaos or pain or stress. I’ve come a long way but have not totally arrived. The danger is going too far in the other direction and hardening your heart, putting too many walls up, forgetting how to love and care. No danger there, at least I’ve always felt too sensitive for my own good. (Thus the need to learn these lessons, build some kind of walls, lest I allow myself to be utterly destroyed.)

The world has changed so much these last few years as to sometimes seem unrecognizable. Many say it’s God’s wrath, but I never buy such answers, mainly because any God I could believe in, would never dole out such hurt and suffering on the good and the bad alike. There seems to be no justice at all to be had. I think it’s life on planet earth, viruses happen, shit happens, if you will, and it lands on all of us alike. Tidal waves, earthquakes… not the hand of a loving God at all, just life on this spinning ball. We like tidier answers than that, but I think that’s the truth of it.

Life happens. Shit happens. Illness and death happen, even to the good, the faithful, the kind, the believer and non-believer alike. That cannot be justice, therefore it cannot be the hand of any just god. Simple math to me.

For whatever reason, we have been planted here on this spinning ball and left (by and large) to fend for ourselves. The true colors of humanity are coming to the forefront, some good, wonderful, kind… many power-mad or simply mad and concerned only with themselves. Either the scale has tipped toward the dark side, or we just never knew how many hurting, broken people there were out there before the internet age. (And by that I mean, the hurting broken ones that decide to turn ugly and act out in various ways.) Not all who wander are lost, not all who are hurting choose to hurt others.

I’ll give this decade one thing, it isn’t going to be boring. Always some new “fresh hell” around the corner. It is what it is.

But there is still GOOD. If anything, I recognize the good now, more than ever. Good people. Good hearts. Heroes. Innocence that we don’t want to see destroyed. Hope, faith, gentleness, self-control… it does still exist. It stands out, now, and I mean the True, the Real, not just those that claim a particular faith, but the Real shows up and comes through. Those that are genuine and kind are beacons of hope in an ever-maddening world. And they exist in any and every area. These are my truest heroes. In these are where I place my hope.

I once thought only those in church (of faith) were the good ones. Then I thought those of faith were the deluded ones. And now I know that we are all one people, each doing the very best we can with what we know. Each choosing how best to cope, how to maintain our hearts, our kindness, in whatever way we choose, and we are fortunate to be able to do so. Those who cope, they each find their way… and those who cannot cope… I only hope they don’t allow despair to turn them to darkness, meanness, selfishness, hate.

We are (as humans) forever looking for pat answers, the black and white of it all, but we live in GRAY so there is this disconnect. The pat answers don’t speak to the gray, the real life issues and problems. The real people. We like our organization, to tick all the boxes, sum people up and file them away, but we are so much more than that. People are so much more than a checkmark.

If only we opened our eyes to what and who we could be to and for each other, stopped the dividing lines, and began to embrace each other again. Sometimes what is so hard, is seeing what it could be… what we could be. I see it. It seems an unreachable goal, but I can almost taste it.

But here we are, in the gray, and it is what is. Peace to you all, my friends. Stay safe and love each other.

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August 2021

It’s the end of August and I haven’t blogged for a bit. Upgraded my phone and laptop this year and we bought a new (to us) home, so we have been busy.

It seems like the last few years have been about new beginnings, but like over and over. I am so ready to SETTLE in for a bit. We love our area and the friends we’ve made in Central Florida. We adore our new place and the neighborhood seems to be very amenable to walking and being outdoors and making friends. If I can get some cooler temps coming in (which should be soon) I want to start walking outside instead of just doing my bike in the house. I have been enjoying the pool though during this summer heat.

Now if we can just get Covid and its many mutations to Go the F Away and stay away. If only. My hopes are that the world (and our state) will be far more clear of this mess by Christmas.

What a couple years, eh? Batshit. The fear, the Unknown, the lack of control we all felt (that some handled better than others) and the complete inability for some to accept what was happening… (all totally normal, I suppose, under the circumstances). We all have had such different experiences and backgrounds, our personalities can be so utterly different, different ages, all sorts of things, so, of course, we respond uniquely. If there is anything we humans (maybe especially Americans) love, it’s control. It’s being in the know. We want the skinny and we want it NOW.

But I wonder how we will recover in the long-term. How can we ever go back to who we once were? Maybe the answer is that we cannot. I truly hope we can be smarter, more compassionate, more willing to share with one another in an atmosphere of love and acceptance… but I don’t see evidence of it. Our world, our nation has been rocked and it has changed, I’m not sure for the better. A lot of people, myself included, are more afraid to fly than ever before. (And I’m not even talking about the risk of the virus, but how people have been behaving.) There are more (or at least more obvious) mental health issues than ever before. We’ve all been traumatized. Some folks just don’t seem well, not at all. Kindness and compassion go out the window and full-on meltdowns are the go-to response to, well, anything. It’s like we’ve had ENOUGH and cannot take any more.

Where in the world will we end up?? Heaven only knows.

Early on in the pandemic, I found some ways for me to cope. 1) I take one day and one decision at a time. It helps me NOT to feel overwhelmed. 2) I had my “F U” moment. I think everyone needs this, the moment where you scream at the top of your lungs “F you and F that and F Covid!” Etc, etc. Mine lasted a bit. I had some old stuff to get out, and this helped me more than anything I’ve tried, to destress, let go of old anger and old stuffed trauma and memories. Anger and hurt that is stuffed down will find its way out, be it days, weeks, or years later. It comes out physically and emotionally and can and does make us sick. The Only Way Out is Through. I learned to stop stuffing. 3) similar to 2, and this began even well before the pandemic, I take care of myself and have gotten a little therapy, learned to be fully myself, have my opinions and independence, and without beating up others in the process.

I’ve learned that I’m not just okay, I’m more than okay. I love and I am loved. I love and care for myself and my uniqueness and I value it. All those old messages of Not being quite good enough have been kicked to the curb and have no power over me now. I don’t feel the same pressures I used to, to fit in or make others happy. I am me, come along for the ride or get away, I really don’t care anymore. (Some of this freedom comes with age!) As we get older, and also having been through times of crisis, we can more clearly see the ridiculousness of some of the things we used to fret about. Ideally, old falsehoods and bad habits and attitudes burn away. I focus on health, in every area.

I’m a recovering perfectionist, still working on it. I believe it goes along with trying too hard for too many years to please everyone around me. It made me critical. I still struggle with this every day, but I have my head on straight finally.

I take responsibility (and this is a biggie) for me. For all I do or say. I don’t do the blame game or gaslight or manipulate others in order to make myself feel better. I see way too much of this behavior in the world today, and I refuse to participate. But neither do I apologize too frequently, or if I genuinely have no reason to; I live an unapologetic real life.

I was thinking about people who cut (hurt themselves) or have other methods of what I believe to be Release. For me, writing is a release, even if I repeat myself or vent or make no sense at all. Drawing, painting, and being creative helps me, too. I was thinking about how we can learn more positive forms of “pressure release” so that so many people don’t have to go through life self-medicating or self-harming, just to get by. We’ve got to get better. We have to do BETTER.

I truly hope and pray we humans grow from these past months and years. That we learn to cope without hurting ourselves or others. I truly hope for healing.

Peace Out for now my friends-

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Adulting.

I was thinking today about two things: One, how we get to know who we really are, and Two, Deciding who we want to be. I spent a lot of time (years!) on the first one, and these days I think a lot more on the second. I often find myself asking these questions:

Do I want to be THAT person? That says THAT thing? Or does THAT?

When I need to make a decision, as small as calling a friend or as large as changing life in more profound ways (moving or something else that is a BIG decision) I stop and really think about what I’m doing, what I’m saying, and WHO (what kind of person) I want to be.

So I started off knowing who I am now, past and present, and then transitioned into thinking about looking forward. Am I fully who/how I want to be? I’ve become so aware.

It’s adulting, isn’t it? Fully realizing that each and every decision we make has a consequence, be it good or bad or somewhat neutral. Adulting at its finest. Who I surround myself with has consequences. Who I love. How I choose to put myself “out there” to others. It all matters, if even in the tiniest of ways.

I’ve watched a lot of movies recently and one theme I really see a lot, is that one person saying one thing to someone can have a profound impact. (Sometimes the impact is good and sometimes bad.) I don’t wanna be a person who gets utterly shut down, worrying about what I say and do and what others think about it, but also, I want to be aware. As much as possible I really want to be a person that encourages others.

I want to be the one that others feel they can talk to and share their lives with. I want to be open. Secure. Settled. Wise. And even when I find differences between myself and someone else, I want to love and accept them despite these differences, as much as possible. I’ve often said we are not all the same and were not meant to be, and how boring would that be—so I want to walk that out.

It can be HARD especially if I feel profoundly and deeply about something and maybe others take issue with it, but adulting can also mean, knowing when to break away. When you’ve done all you can, let it be. Let people be who they are, and if we just can’t click, so be it. Peace. You go your way and I’ll go mine, but I wish you no ill will.

Maybe I’m finally getting the knack of this adulting thing. I hope so cuz I think it’s here to stay for me.

When I was young back in Oklahoma, we had these neighbors, twin girls, and one said about their sister, “Next time I’m gonna be born with the mole on my leg.” One of those random things I remember because it struck me how she thought she’d be doing it all again. (She was about three, I think.)

My son once said when he was a similar age, when we were discussing growing up, that when he grew down, he was going to do this and that. He thought that people grew up and then grew back down to infancy. I don’t think I’ll be growing back down, so I’d better get used to this.

Acceptance. A large part of adulting.

Peace Out, my friends!

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Blogolicious Jan 2021 (life in the time of covid-19 and extremism)

So, yeah. the world has gone crazy again. I deactivated my Facebook account, again. (Once again I feel like a stranger in a strange land, like a lone voice crying out in the wilderness.) All those around me are crying “Havoc!” and letting loose the dogs of war.

As I see NBA players kneeling (now more fully understanding why they do this than I ever used to) and then read the vitriolic responses of the far right, I laugh, a mirthless chuckle. The extreme right does not care to understand, does not dare to open their hearts or minds to new thoughts or information. They don’t care about compassion and understanding but they do care if anyone rubs up against their narrow POV.

If a person hides themselves away refusing to look, read, learn, know anything outside of what they have always known, they will become more and more extremist. Any time you block yourself off from wisdom or knowledge or facts, and insist on only following a finite set of information, you set yourself up for cult-like extremist behavior. It’s bound to happen. History always repeats itself. Because the lessons that should have been learned have not been learned, not at all. When you know you’re right all the time and throw in a little religious fervor, look out. And some of them don’t even need the religion, they just need a cause to launch themselves behind, no matter how hateful it is.

Let’s say the number 5000 represented all the knowledge and wisdom and factual information available to us humans today. Some people will stop at 10. Some at twenty. Some at 4000. They will stop and say “I know it all! I know everything I need to know! Don’t talk to me about anything outside of this!” and “If you believe anything outside of THIS, not only are you wrong, but you’re stupid and evil, too.”

SMDH. Humans are so funny, but not in a laughable way, not today.

I’ve had enough of extremist view points. POVs that leave out compassion, talking with and discussing things calmly and logically with others, that refuse ever ever to (heaven forbid) listen to someone else’s POV. I see it every day. If you start to say something new to them, you can see the wall clang down as their minds and hearts close off. They have already made up their minds about everything til the end of time. They require no new information. It’s fear. It’s lack of maturity. It’s close-mindedness in the extreme.

There are some who follow me who are from a more, shall we say, conservative mindset. That’s fine. I get it. I’ve come out of some of that background myself. But many of you, even family members, do not know me, haven’t been around me for many years. I got to thinking that I know them quite well because they are the same in many ways as they have always been. But they do NOT know me. If you haven’t been around me in twenty years, I guarantee you do not know me. I’ve changed and grown a ton and been through a lot. I feel as though the universe itself said “I will bang your stubborn head on a brick wall until you open your mind and listen.” (The Universe apparently not being content to just let me be.)

Maybe it needs free thinkers, open-minded folks who are teachable enough and open-minded enough to grow along with all the changes that have occurred this century. Maybe people with open minds and hearts are in short supply so I was selected, I don’t know. I only know that I am a product of my experiences, (like most) though some seem to willingly shut themselves off from new experiences.

I’ve lived in a cave (metaphorically speaking) locked away from anything other than One POV, and there is certainly comfort in it. Soft, cozy. Warm.

The real world can be cold and harsh, but out there is where the fighting is, the true struggle. The struggle to be the best YOU you can become. This does not happen without ever having everything you believe in shaken and rattled, questioned, butted about, without something forcing you to face it all. (A new motto of mine is Question Everything, and that is so different than who I used to be.)

If you are someone who cares, I’ll share a bit about myself here (and goodness knows there are tons of blog posts here you can go back over, if you care to know me better, truly. Not just think you know me.)

I am not a Democrat or a Republican (I’m a registered Independent.) For the most part I do support police and military, first-responders, etc. I come from a military family and I will always support those who defend us with their lives. There have been times when certain officers have crossed a line and gone over to the bad place, and if you are a person of color, you know this. It breaks my heart.

Those on the far right might find themselves wanting to call me a snowflake liberal. Whatevs. If it helps you sleep better to put me in that box, by all means. Snowflakes are unique individuals, beautiful. I’ll take it. I DO care about people, I am a softy, no doubt. I love all people, want to see all people cared for and loved and supported, protected, and fed. If having a big heart and Big Love makes me a liberal, then call me that.

I am a writer with a fierce imagination. If I was a youngster in this day and age, they’d likely medicate me for my active mind and imagination. It’s a plate of spaghetti up there, I kid you not. I am ALWAYS thinking (which feeds into me not being able to sleep without some kind of sleep aid.)

I’m smart, but I’m a fish so don’t ask me to climb a tree. Don’t ask me about geometry but I am fascinated with physics and want to learn more. My “no likey maths” brain struggles with some of these things. I am certainly more of a right-brainer than a left-brainer (more creative, less mathy) but I am intelligent. I have an eye for color and design. I am highly organized at times, but can be more loosey-goosey when it comes to art. I have become a person who questions everything. I do have conspiracy theories but they may be different than most people’s.

Though most of my life people have treated me like a dumb blond, I’m actually a brunette. I’ve been underestimated and patted on the head hundreds of times, maybe thousands. But I am a woman, so there ya go. This is how they treat us.

On the whole, I am against abortion, however, I know people who have had them, I’ve sat with them and heard their stories and I don’t judge. Rape, incest, other real life problems factor in. For people who have never experienced crisis in their life, it’s easy to judge. I don’t do it. Also, the government shouldn’t be allowed to tell me what to do with my body.

White privilege is real. I never really understood it before I began to meet and know people from all walks of life, began to read about and hear their stories. Privilege is real. If you are not a person of color you cannot begin to imagine what life is like for one (neither can I). Many do not have the capacity to have empathy for anyone different from themselves. The color of your skin is an accident of birth, you had no choice in it. You’d better believe it.

I never ever look down my nose at the homeless, knowing that many of them had homes and families and so-called normal lives once, and then crisis hit and knocked them for a loop. It is not for me or for you to judge. (“There but for the grace of God,” etc., etc.) If someone told you once 20 years ago that they are all drunks and druggies and to be despised, time to re-think. Heaven forbid it should happen to you. Sometimes we learn lessons in the hardest of ways.

I believe firmly that this right-wing extremism thing is caused by people shutting themselves off from reality. They grow only so far, and then no more, refusing any and all new information. They read only one kind of book, watch only one station, surround themselves with people who are much the same as them. It’s cultish and dangerous, I’ve learned that well.

Now you know more about me. I am all heart, and that heart is broken these days. It is all just too, too much. I never thought I’d live to see such times.

It’s easy to just follow, to go along with what everyone else is doing, it really is. It’s hard to stop and say, “No more. I will think for myself. I will gather information and decide for myself.” It’s so hard, and at times very lonely. But for the first time ever, these last few years have taught me exactly who I am. I know exactly what I believe. (I know way less than I ever did in some senses… I no longer feel I know everything, that’s for sure. I am uncertain about a lot and that’s okay and as it should be. But I remain in a state of continued seeking, learning, and growing.) My mind and heart is open (if skeptical.)

I don’t know why I’m here, and I don’t want any more pat answers. But I am here and I am a writer, and so I will continue to do what I do as long as I can.

I love you, people. I really, really do. I hope you all, we all, remember our love and compassion, especially in such times.

Peace Out!

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Ready to Say Goodbye to 2020

Blog Post: December 18, 2020

I’ve so much going on inside that it has made me almost entirely immobilized. Distracted, weepy, and needing desperately to write and word vomit it all out, to process.

Sigh.

This sucky bad no-good year. The virus and all that that entails, the extreme polarization in our world and our country. People pitted against each other, vitriol and hatred, bigotry, hate. Since I “zoomed out” or became more awake and aware of the world around me, (not sure how to refer to it) it’s been rough. I feel a lot like a small protected toddler who has been coddled and sheltered, opening her door and seeing nothing but hate, strife, war, blood, disease, death. I’ve begun to see the world for what it is, not just through a narrow, limited lens. I suppose this is a kind of awakening.

I cannot but miss the feeling of comfort and shelter I used to feel, even while at the same time, understanding how false it really always was. Though I know there is no going back (the world or me, myself) I do find myself looking for comfort, for peace. For that feeling that “all is right with the world” and I don’t have a ton of hope of things getting back to that. I suppose this is what one could call my “new normal”.

I don’t think I could even call it depression, but that would be an easy label to throw on it.

My father is not doing well. I’ve been processing a lot of old emotions and feelings from my childhood. Digging up bones. Processing old wounds. Feeling profound sadness and nostalgia and melancholy. This on top of everything else, well… it’s a lot.

But also, there are small good things. I can feel myself beginning to heal in some areas, and maybe just plain hardening and putting up walls, boundaries and defenses in other ways. Metaphorical scabs forming. Whatever it takes, I guess.

In the end, we are all human, we all find our ways to cope and get by. Writing and art journaling are my saving graces. If I didn’t have some way of getting things out, I’d surely go mad.

Going to get to see family at Christmas and we have all been isolating and being even more super careful than normal in preparation for it, but I need it. We will just walk the beach and chat and will avoid public places. I’ve always been a person that values quality of life, not just quantity, so, though it increases our risk a little bit, we have each determined it is a risk we are willing to take. After Christmas, I will be right back to locking myself down except for that which is necessary, (doc visits and the like.)

In the end (by this time in our pandemic) I have gotten back around to my first feelings on it… If and when I die, I will die. Not so worried about myself but don’t ever want to feel responsible for anyone else dying. Going to be careful and going to do what I need to do. Keep living.

Each month when I look over the calendar, I look at appointments or things coming up and say, “I just have to live through that.” Next thing that comes up, “Okay, just gotta live through that.” One day at a time, one outing at a time. And I do feel like (because of my isolated lifestyle especially), I am relatively low-risk.

My health issues are concerning, and may make me feel like a higher risk person, but over-all, I feel good about my chances of making it through the pandemic. I think sometimes it’s more about just getting through each day and its emotional and mental challenges, not getting too bored, or feeling too isolated, or too wigged out or full of anxiety. It’s hard for me to think beyond next week, beyond Christmas. I take one day at a time and that’s the only way I get by.

In times of stress and trouble in the past, I would always say to myself, “This too shall pass,” and remind myself that things can and will be good again. I try to tell myself that now, but I’m not saying it with a lot of conviction. I think there will be good times again, but I remain worried for the world at large. I think we humans have a lot coming up in our future. I hope to hell we’re ready for it.

But I am damned glad to say good-bye to this year. Maybe, just maybe, 2021 will prove to be better.

Cheers. Happy Christmas. Merry Holidays… I hope you get through, too.

Peace Out

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The Women I Admire the Most

The women I admire the most are women who know themselves thoroughly and unabashedly. They’ve taken the time for introspection; they’ve healed their mess and look unwaveringly forward.

The women I admire the most laugh in the face of others’ expectations. They aren’t concerned with the constricting opinions of others but own who they are.

These women are kind and good and compassionate, (for they have known pain) and though they know how to stand apart and alone, they also understand creating community.

The women I admire the most insist on following their passion and purpose, so don’t bother trying to derail them or talk them out of it. They persevere in all things that matter to them.

They insist on continued growth and knowledge and are always looking forward to their next project.

The women I admire don’t always defer to others but know when to stand their ground and pick their battles with care. They are fierce in protecting the ones they love.

They understand boundaries and how to enact them when necessary. They also respect the boundaries of others.

Women are strong, but the best of them know when and how to wield their power and when to yield it and do not ever use it to manipulate and control others.

The women I admire most embody love and respect and choose their words carefully but will never be silenced.

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Nov 8 Life Continued

Of course, as often happens with me, my brain was abuzz with words for a blog in the wee hours of the morning, I had plans, I had goals for a new YouTube vid about writing. As the day began to progress, my excitement and inspiration began to wane.

I needed to do my nails so I did that, did the dishes and put some laundry in the washer and bye-bye to more inspiration. Then I cleaned out closets. And so it goes.

My better writing angels that were perched with glee on my shoulders seem to have vanished, giving up on me getting in front of the computer. Come back! I scream. I’m here finally! **Looks under the bed and all around but they are playing hide and seek.

Oh well. I’ll sit anyway because discipline is a thing. Sometimes we writers just have to show up when we can and hope for the best.

Been spending some time thinking about where to go next with my current novel project. I’ve set it up for some romance and a bit of thriller action, but I’ve got to get to the nitty-gritty of it. What specifically do I want to happen with this antagonist? Will work on that some today.

I’m getting used to a new computer, so that’s fun, learning which keys stick and what-not.

My art room is a hot mess. I dug out every painting I had stored anywhere in the house and they are laying about higgledy-piggledy. My “Lovely Lady” drawings are strewn everywhere. I’ve been working on updating my store here on the site and making sure it’s accurate.

I’ve all but given up on Facebook entirely. Social media all together, really. though I do enjoy browsing through the lovely poems and paintings on my Instagram feed.

I really hope our country can begin to heal now that the election is behind us. Politicians have gone a long way towards dividing us, egging us on against one another. It’s time to set aside differences and find humanity again. To focus on getting through this pandemic to the end of it, which I hope and pray will be sooner rather than later.

Once the virus is gone maybe we can get back to sitting down with one another and talking about things. I find when you do that, you often find that we are not nearly as far apart on how we think and feel than the politicians would have us believe. They thrive on creating discord between us and we need to wake up to their plots and refuse to be their puppets any longer. Life could be so good for us if we could just get back to love and care and stop listening to the talking heads. Let’s reach out, talk, love, heal, show compassion.

Next up, a little art, a little more writing, a bit more organization and cleaning. Whatever you get up to today, I hope it’s something that brings you peace. We are all overdue for some.

Peace Out, peeps!

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October Something

My God it has been so long since I blogged. What in hell have I been doing? I guess reading a ton, a little writing, a little arting, some game-playing and a lot of just trying to survive day to day.

I can feel it burbling and boiling and roiling (I was awake at 4 a.m. and the most provocative, insightful and genius thoughts and ideas were running through my head but I had NOT the ability to arouse out of the bed and jot them down, and so, as they tend to do, the little bastards flew away at the light of day.) But it is well past time.

I title this October Something because in reality I don’t know what day it is. (I rarely do.) I know it’s Thursday, that’s the best I can do. I haven’t the motivation to look it up. Who cares in the end?

I am trying to coax all of my wanderings and thoughts and rambles to come back out of hiding and come to rest on my shoulders again so I can get them down, blast it. Listening to a podcast (involving Russel Brand and Gabor Mate) which is firing up my little gray cells. The deep thoughts are lurking, waiting to pounce.

I just heard that even rats (they’ve done experiments) are known to have compassion. If you hurt them, they have a certain level of stress hormone. If you hurt the rat next to them, their stress is higher. They feel compassion and empathy. One could conclude it is something we mammals are born with. Then what the hell have us humans done to ourselves that so many have lost this ability? It boggles the mind.

We have lived within our narrow confining cocoons for so long, being told how to feel, what to feel, how to behave, and we’ve grown so comfortable with it. Such good little sheep we are. And now, in the age of the internet, we’re so hyper-aware of others’ thoughts and opinions, and we are freaking out and melting down. But still most people will tell you that THEIR ideology or worldview is the only one that is true and real and right. It makes me laugh.

All the many things that are so very unimportant is all that our world has chosen to focus on. We buy and buy, we hide and cry, our purchases not fulfilling us for long. We’ve gotten so very off course. 

Try to imagine what an enlightened race from another planet would think if they were observing us right now. The brainwashed far right spouting what they’ve always been taught (and are still being taught) is the absolute truth and right as rain (because, of course, what else would they spout when they’ve locked themselves away for decades, refusing to see anything else, anything new or different, any new thought or idea that may (heaven forbid) show us we’ve drifted far off course?) Cuz who wants to admit that may have been or may be wrong about anything? Certainly not a human American in 2020.

Or the far left or the far any-direction extremist of any background, who cannot, no, WILL not see anything that doesn’t fit their box? Willful ignorance, it’s a thing. Naivete’, simple ignorance (just not knowing, not having information) is one thing, but willfully refusing to learn, grow, study, THINK for ourselves is the true pandemic. Heaven help us all.

We’d much prefer to fit in with the Joneses of the Republican party or the Smiths of the Democratic, than to confront our own selves. To confront our own prejudices, biases, the WRONGness that surrounds us and is threatening to swallow us whole. (One might think that coming out of something very narrow and limited, I’d be more sympathetic, but I’m not.) Again of genuine ignorance I can be somewhat sympathetic, but a refusal to listen, to see, to seek, to grow, to ZOOM out and see the whole world as one large human family…. It’s at minimum, a pet peeve.

I never dreamed the world, humans, would behave in the ways I have witnessed in the last decade, hell, even the last year. I sometimes wonder if I might not jostle and stir and awake from a deep sleep and a bad nightmare. Awake to find people who genuinely reason out and think while loving their neighbors and friends. Who understand that we are all one (it isn’t us vs them, America vs every other country, white vs black, Christian vs Jew or more likely everyone else). We’ve lost it. Entirely. We’ve lost love.

If you’ve been raised to believe the sky is purple and made of marshmallow cream, you’ll grow up believing that with a religious fervor. No-one will be able to talk you out of it. And oh how the world would tilt on its axis if someone tried to tell you that there is actually oxygen in the air and the sky is more often blue than purple. And yes, much of what is going on these days is just this ridiculous.

We have a leader that openly bad-mouths women and minorities, talks and tweets continually in the most horrible and hateful (and ignorant) of ways, and many on the far right call him the second coming of Jesus. I literally have become convinced that there is nothing that man could do that would cause his followers to stop following him. He is untouchable. He is the King. They will literally follow him off a cliff. It’s Hitler-ish in its blind intensity. Yeah, so he can make your 401K gain more interest than ever before. Does this mean I would follow him? Praise him? Or even put up with him? People have lost all of their sense. 

One thing I believe Christianity teaches (wrongly) is that we must follow blindly whatever leader happens to be in office. I do not believe this is something God would want us to do, not any God I could follow. “Just put up with abuse, with wrong, bad leaders,” yeah like he told the people it would be better to wander desperate in the desert than to be under pharoah? One of many, many discrepancies in the bible as we know it. I don’t buy it, never will.

I’ve been reading a story about a family in Poland during the Nazi occupation, and any time I read about Hitler, I am reminded of just how easy it is to be blinded, to close our eyes to the tyranny in front of us. To blindly follow. It makes me want to vomit. Truly. It is the observing of blind-followers that makes me refuse to follow man-made religion ever again. It is just too easy to Jim Jones it, to frack it all up. There are far too many sheep on planet earth.

I won’t be a sheep, not ever. No matter how hard it will be or how many friends I lose, I will always follow my heart and conscience and science and fact. It’s lonely out here, but here I will stay.

I don’t hate, (not people anyway). I hate evil. I hate ignorance and darkness. I hate that there is such pain and abuse and hatred and bigotry on our planet, amongst our people. I hate (currently) that I have to be lumped into this thing called “humanity” alongside those who seem so inhuman, inhumane. 

Perhaps this is all growing pains, maybe since the internet age began we are just going through so many changes, too quickly and it is hard and maybe a certain amount of this BS is unavoidable, I do not know, but I fear the world my grandkids will deal with. Maybe every generation says the same.

The indomitable human spirit, though… Those who gave their lives to bring some information to the British government about the Nazi occupation. Those who risked their lives and often gave them, to hide people that were being murdered for no other reason than their country or religion of birth. (Do any of us have this kind of spirit, this kind of strength nowadays? I often wonder. I wonder if I do.)

If nothing else, this time in history is giving us a chance to stop and think and ponder about the nature of mankind, about our predicament, our circumstance. We are being given a chance to rediscover our empathy, our hearts, to keep our minds and our wits about us. I truly hope we don’t blow it.

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Blog June 3, 2020

I have (at least temporarily) deactivated my Facebook account. It is an arena that I am going to decline to participate in any longer, maybe permanently, not sure. I finally asked myself. “If you went into a room every day and someone punched you in the gut each day, would you keep going into that room?” My answer was no, that would not be wise.

Some of my frustration word vomit for the day:

Me: I am horrified at what’s happening in the world, the murder of George Floyd. It’s horrible.”

The world: “Don’t say that.”

Me: “Don’t say what?”

The world: “Don’t say it’s horrible, say this instead.”

Me: “Um… huh?”

The world: “Don’t say this, say that.”

Me: “Stop- telling me what to say!”

The world: “Don’t talk about it.”

Me: “Huh?”

The world: “But whatever you do, don’t be silent.”

Tons of white girls: “We know what you are to say and do. Do this.”

Other people of all backgrounds: “No, don’t do or say that. It’s offensive and wrong.”

Me: *face-palming* “Stop it!!”

And that explains my life lately.

But ultimately, it isn’t about me and I recognize that. As with all things, each person handles it differently. What I can no longer do, though, is be told what to do and what not to do every day by fifty random people, all of which tell me to do something different. No, thanks.

So I will default to just me being me the best way I know how. That’s my wheelhouse.

Don’t tell me who I am based on my skin color, if you didn’t notice, EVERYone hates that. If you truly don’t want to hear what I have to say then don’t read what I have to say. Simple enough, right? Right. Thanks. Moving on.

Meanwhile, Covid 19 is being summarily ignored as if it no longer exists. Our county seems to have levelled off at least, so that is good news. This week I am returning to my doc appointments, trying to get caught up there. The mask/no mask battle rages and frankly I don’t care what you think about it, you do you. I am going to wear a mask. The doctor’s offices I am going to have asked me to wear them and I am going to comply. I am also going to wash my mask regularly because that’s just good sense.

Tense, horrible times we live in. And ultimately people who follow blindly are my biggest source of stress.(It being a given that hatred and murder suck.) I cannot be around those who think DT is the second coming. I just can’t. I will blow a blood vessel. 

So. Not much else to say today, except that I am hoping, vibing, praying for change. I will continue to love and to hold out hope because ultimately what else can you do?

Peace Out

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April 30 blog on Covid 19 and life in general

Good morning, world. I’m doing a lot of blogging these days, I guess because of feeling so very isolated. It helps, somehow. Even if nobody reads it, it helps to get things down and out of the head and heart.

Some days I’m a confident queen, sure of myself and all that I am and where I’m going and some days I find myself with more doubt and fear. I suppose that’s normal and happens to everyone. Sometimes I think it’s my own perfectionistic ways that make me feel like I have to be on top every single day, flying high. I know this isn’t true. Some days I need to allow myself to hide under the covers and rest and heal and not worry about much.

My illness seems to have cleared, only the mildest of coughs left. I have to say that the feeling of an elephant on my chest was the worst I ever remember experiencing and I’ve had lung mess off and on throughout my life. I’m so pleased it’s gone away. Now it’s all about watching what happens with the world at large with the virus. Our governor was on TV last night discussing Phase One of trying to get back to normal. He is being more conservative than in Georgia and other states, so right now is a time to wait and watch for me. At this point in the pandemic, I am finding it in myself to have grace with people doing whatever they need to do. If they feel like a healthy person that is not at high risk and feel the need to go to the salon or the beach or go eat outside at a beach restaurant, I’m gonna keep my mouth closed and my eyes open. At some point, we will all have to step back out, so to each their own.

I do consider myself high risk and have already been sick but don’t know for sure if our bodies will properly build any immunity on their own. For this reason I choose to be more cautious than others might.

For the first time, yesterday and today, I feel like we can see the light at the end of this. That tomorrow will come and life will get back to normal and that maybe it will not take a year or more. It feels like a huge sigh throughout my entire body. And still I am in wait-n-see mode over the next couple weeks and months. I still need to protect myself from “high drama” so that will continue. Anyone making me crazy will be unfollowed.

Today is not so “go, go, go! Conquer the world!” with my mental state but more a self-care day where I look out for the mental and emotional wellbeing of myself and my hubs. And this is fine with me. I’m going to try to get in some exercise and some sun today as our pollen count is supposed to be low for the first time in a long while.

If you’re reading this, I hope you have an amazing day full of light and grace and love and wellbeing. Take care of yourselves. 

Peace Out