Tag: healing

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We Hold the Key

Ya know, it can really suck when we realize that nobody else is going to fix our wounds. This is why we carry our pain for so long, we keep on believing that it will magically heal itself or that someone who hurt us would come along and somehow fix it. I also mistakenly believed that being in church would enable me to heal and become whole. The truth can be a big Ouch. We hold that key, only us–ourselves. Nobody is coming to save us.

As hard as that is to hear–once you have grasped that, you have a huge decision to make. Stay in pain forever (give up) or get about the business of fixing it for yourself. I hear over and over “you will not change until the pain of remaining the same becomes greater than the fear or pain of doing what you need to do-to change.” It is such truth.

Where to start? Old pain. Origin wounds. We have to (usually through therapy) get to a place where we can face what happened (trauma) without it killing us. Become more of an “observer” so that we can stay there and look at it. For me, writing it all out was immensely helpful. Some people paint or sing or make or create things of all kinds because we unlock the subconscious mind in those moments of creating, and allow things to begin to happen.

When you can sit with it (even while sad) you will eventually be able to dissect it. Were you in any way at fault? (Likely no or you made a poor decision but what happened way outweighed that) or you have to face that it was NOT your fault. For me, forgiving myself for being with someone who I didn’t even truly have feelings for, hanging out with him (out of sheer boredom) and going places I never should’ve gone–was key. Facing the truth that it was NOT on me though, despite a poor decision, meant I could give myself permission to stop hating myself or blaming myself. I was incredibly naive’ and so many young people are. But I did nothing intentionally to cause what happened. I had to give myself a break–forgiveness.

The idea of forgiving who hurt you is a BIG subject. I personally would never tell anyone they MUST forgive their attacker or abuser or rapist. You forgive YOU for any part you played, small as it may have been (because we do carry guilt, deserved or not). Whether or not you can eventually forgive who hurt you is intensely personal and individual. If you can see them for the broken and messed up soul that they are and somehow forgive them–great. If not, go in peace.

I’ve written this on one page but to get to this point can take years and lots of counsel and therapy. I can share tips on ways to heal yourself, if you ever need them, just ask. But you will likely have to speak about it with someone or write about it or in some way get it OUT of you. You can picture it coming out of you and placing it in a box, any mental imagery that helps. (The box gets burned and the pain released.) This sounds easy, again, and it is not.

How do you speak or write about it? By recognizing your worth and by seeing that there is NO shame in talking about it, as we have been taught by the world.

The person in my life is no longer around (I do not remember his last name and I believe he may be dead at this time, and the others involved, no clue–I could never track them down because I don’t know names and faces.) If the person who hurt you is still around or heaven forbid–in your family–this opens up a whole new set of problems. My heart hurts just thinking about that. But however you choose to move forward there–please heal yourself. Don’t carry that “tumor” as I called it–in your body any longer than you must.

Life is tough sometimes. I have been able to release that pain that altered my life and everything about my life–after carrying it for 40 plus years. I want that for you. (I hope you don’t carry it so long or haven’t carried it as long.)

My book is “The Only Way Out is Through” in which I tell my story. If you want to discuss recovering from rape or attack, I am here. I can talk more about how I got free and can now walk in freedom and in power and in confidence. I got my life back (finally) and so can you. I am here for you. Be brave. Be at peace.

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Poetry at 4 that Flies by Day

 

At 4 a.m. I lay awake

Writing some of the best poetry of my life

Inside my head

Knowing it may flee by daylight.

Thoughts of my journey to here

To now—

Dark splinters in wood and bone

Digging them out

Tossing them aside

Old pain, old slivers

Buried so deep

From the shattering.

New growth formed over

Must dig them out

Must get it all out

Or else

The pain will never ease.

Years, it took

Working on me

Poking, scraping at scabs

Digging up bones

Others say to leave them be

But I know I cannot

Like the Princess and the Pea

I dig at them until they’re

All gone

All gone.

Now what?

What replaces the pain?

I know why some identify so greatly

With their pain

That it becomes them, and they become it.

Together by osmosis.

And everyone says, “Let it go.”

“Let it be scabbed over.”

“Leave it.”

And then that day

It happened that I had dug

The last splinter.

I slept for 10 hours.

I woke up empty.

What now? I keep asking.

I did the work,

Now what do I do

Who am I if not the pain?

If not the scabs?

Not one to ask for help,

I did.

And they did.

And I am learning to walk again.

Hoping one day to fly.

 

 

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How I feel TODAY (September 10) and also, coping with fear and crisis

The world cracks and I end up in my bubble, cocooning, then watch so much crime TV that I’m stressed out all over again. Why do I do it? I do so love my detective stories. Most recently a lot of Brit Box and Acorn TV stuff.

I was thinking earlier today about how we all respond so differently to crisis. Fight or Flight broken down into many subcategories. Some run away, some fight by angry posts and fear-mongering, themselves overwhelmed by their own fear and confusion, up to and including violent outbursts. Some need to figure out and fall back and study everything, trying to find answers, weed through the crap-ton of crap and wheedle out a bit of truth. Some hide away completely. Some lose their ability to cope entirely. Some fear the end of all things and give in to the “The Sky is Falling” mentality.

Soooo much change these days. Look at just the change of going from a society without internet to a society WITH it. MAJOR change. We are bombarded with information day & night, and unfortunately, we have as much constant access to BS and conspiracy theories and extremist rants as to anything resembling reality. And it’s blasted hard for most to tell the difference. Our fears are played on, we’re manipulated and dance to tunes we never should be listening to. The only way I cope is by Zooming Out.

It’s good to step back, get away from all the noise and get your own senses in order again. It’s also good to protect yourself from the madness all around us.

I think planet Earth has been around a very long time and will be here long after this current crisis has come and gone, and may indeed still be around after we humans kill ourselves off. Civilizations rise and fall, it has always been thus. I think if planet Earth feels like we’re warring against her, she may very well win the battle in the end. We’re a plague of locusts to her.

I’ve come to believe that most truth is to be found in scientific provable fact. It gets difficult when fact is hard to winnow out and we begin to mistrust everything and everyone. Many fall back on their faith systems because, well, they’ve been taught to for one, and also they have no utter idea how else to cope but to hope and pray that something or someone somewhere (ie their God) is on top of things and in control. Cuz dammit someone needs to be. We don’t like it when we feel that things are out of control; never have, never will.

When I began to deconstruct out of my earlier faith system and worldview, it was scary, as HELL. I used to believe that I was super-protected by an invisible force. As I began to disbelieve that, it rocked my world. It’s the easiest thing in the world to run and hide and be afraid of everyone and everything, (and I was going through all of this way before we ever heard of Covid-19, a whole other reason to be shaken or frightened.) It started as much as twelve or fifteen years ago.

But life is scary, WAS scary even before the pandemic. It always will be. It takes courage indeed to press on when all you’ve ever thought to be real, comes crashing down around you. I know I’m not the only one who has experienced this in one way or another. Maybe your faith system hasn’t changed but your world has been rocked by things happening we all never believed could happen. By our constant access to negativity, fear-mongering, and way too much information coming at us all at once. In some way, we’ve all been shaken.

But. Strangely, I have found peace. I find peace in art. In the ocean. In the eyes and faces and hearts of some truly beautiful people. I find it by turning OFF the noise and social media (for the most part) and hearing from individuals. By people helping people to cope and get through. There are still so many good folks in this world. Hurting, confused, but good. We have to help each other through this, but with love, compassion and a listening ear. Put away the biased rants, the blame-game, and just hug someone, just love someone.

I was once so afraid to let anyone IN. I still kinda can be. But if we ever needed each other, it’s now.

Hope floats. Love heals. Peace wins.

Peace Out.

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August 2021

It’s the end of August and I haven’t blogged for a bit. Upgraded my phone and laptop this year and we bought a new (to us) home, so we have been busy.

It seems like the last few years have been about new beginnings, but like over and over. I am so ready to SETTLE in for a bit. We love our area and the friends we’ve made in Central Florida. We adore our new place and the neighborhood seems to be very amenable to walking and being outdoors and making friends. If I can get some cooler temps coming in (which should be soon) I want to start walking outside instead of just doing my bike in the house. I have been enjoying the pool though during this summer heat.

Now if we can just get Covid and its many mutations to Go the F Away and stay away. If only. My hopes are that the world (and our state) will be far more clear of this mess by Christmas.

What a couple years, eh? Batshit. The fear, the Unknown, the lack of control we all felt (that some handled better than others) and the complete inability for some to accept what was happening… (all totally normal, I suppose, under the circumstances). We all have had such different experiences and backgrounds, our personalities can be so utterly different, different ages, all sorts of things, so, of course, we respond uniquely. If there is anything we humans (maybe especially Americans) love, it’s control. It’s being in the know. We want the skinny and we want it NOW.

But I wonder how we will recover in the long-term. How can we ever go back to who we once were? Maybe the answer is that we cannot. I truly hope we can be smarter, more compassionate, more willing to share with one another in an atmosphere of love and acceptance… but I don’t see evidence of it. Our world, our nation has been rocked and it has changed, I’m not sure for the better. A lot of people, myself included, are more afraid to fly than ever before. (And I’m not even talking about the risk of the virus, but how people have been behaving.) There are more (or at least more obvious) mental health issues than ever before. We’ve all been traumatized. Some folks just don’t seem well, not at all. Kindness and compassion go out the window and full-on meltdowns are the go-to response to, well, anything. It’s like we’ve had ENOUGH and cannot take any more.

Where in the world will we end up?? Heaven only knows.

Early on in the pandemic, I found some ways for me to cope. 1) I take one day and one decision at a time. It helps me NOT to feel overwhelmed. 2) I had my “F U” moment. I think everyone needs this, the moment where you scream at the top of your lungs “F you and F that and F Covid!” Etc, etc. Mine lasted a bit. I had some old stuff to get out, and this helped me more than anything I’ve tried, to destress, let go of old anger and old stuffed trauma and memories. Anger and hurt that is stuffed down will find its way out, be it days, weeks, or years later. It comes out physically and emotionally and can and does make us sick. The Only Way Out is Through. I learned to stop stuffing. 3) similar to 2, and this began even well before the pandemic, I take care of myself and have gotten a little therapy, learned to be fully myself, have my opinions and independence, and without beating up others in the process.

I’ve learned that I’m not just okay, I’m more than okay. I love and I am loved. I love and care for myself and my uniqueness and I value it. All those old messages of Not being quite good enough have been kicked to the curb and have no power over me now. I don’t feel the same pressures I used to, to fit in or make others happy. I am me, come along for the ride or get away, I really don’t care anymore. (Some of this freedom comes with age!) As we get older, and also having been through times of crisis, we can more clearly see the ridiculousness of some of the things we used to fret about. Ideally, old falsehoods and bad habits and attitudes burn away. I focus on health, in every area.

I’m a recovering perfectionist, still working on it. I believe it goes along with trying too hard for too many years to please everyone around me. It made me critical. I still struggle with this every day, but I have my head on straight finally.

I take responsibility (and this is a biggie) for me. For all I do or say. I don’t do the blame game or gaslight or manipulate others in order to make myself feel better. I see way too much of this behavior in the world today, and I refuse to participate. But neither do I apologize too frequently, or if I genuinely have no reason to; I live an unapologetic real life.

I was thinking about people who cut (hurt themselves) or have other methods of what I believe to be Release. For me, writing is a release, even if I repeat myself or vent or make no sense at all. Drawing, painting, and being creative helps me, too. I was thinking about how we can learn more positive forms of “pressure release” so that so many people don’t have to go through life self-medicating or self-harming, just to get by. We’ve got to get better. We have to do BETTER.

I truly hope and pray we humans grow from these past months and years. That we learn to cope without hurting ourselves or others. I truly hope for healing.

Peace Out for now my friends-

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Life Catch-up (One Day at a Time)

Haven’t blogged in a while, been plugging away writing a book. (I actually have 2 in process but the latest one is my first non-fiction). Once these are done this will put me at 14 books written and published I believe, not counting the anthologies my publishing company published. It’s helpful to write these things out, keeps me motivated, keeps me running toward the finish line.

I never really need motivation or inspiration to write, (or to do art) but what I need is the motivation to SELL. This is where my biggest challenge lies. It has always been thus. 

My art journaling has only ever been for me (it’s therapy for me, big time), but I do have some acrylic on canvas items I need to sell. The home we are in currently isn’t large enough (a special lack of storage space) for me to keep piling up pieces, so this de-motivates me to paint on canvas. I gotta get a move on with this and soon. And, of course, I need to sell some books. I used to do book-signings, but haven’t in a long time. Maybe I need to consider lining up another one or two.

When it comes to art and writing, I seem to go in seasons, for a while concentrating on making art, then switching over to almost exclusively writing for a time, but for the most part I can say that I do both, as the spirit moves.

These days I am still feeling (I think I mentioned this once before) like I am emerging from a tunnel, a time of deep learning and change in my life, deep healing. Life changes. Epiphanies. I feel like I am emerging and calming immensely. I can only hope that the world around me takes a clue and does the same, and that this vaccine will come (though I won’t be the first to take it) and this virus mess can begin to leave and calm itself, too. 

I NEEEED to go out and eat at a restaurant with a friend, one where nobody has to wear a mask and everyone feels safe. I need that little bit of a social life I actually had (being a cocooning introvert already) but even I need to talk to another human sometimes. I actually look forward to my allergy shots so I can see other nice humans and interact for a moment or two. Enough is enough already. (Can I get a Woot Woot??)

Haven’t made one of my Writing Tips YouTube vids in a bit. I need to get to that, I’ve been having some trouble with my eyes, though. Waiting for it to calm a bit.

So, Bill Gates says that once 30 to 60 percent of Americans have taken the vaccine, it should stop it in its tracks. I know Bill knows money and I can only hope he surrounds himself with medical experts, (I would assume so) that advise him in such matters. I feel like overall, he is a pretty smart dude. (He has DT beat, though I always prefer my medical info come from medical people.) So now we wait for the vaccine. Billions of dollars are being spent on vaccines in many countries around the world, so it will be interesting to see which one comes to the forefront first, which companies launch them and when. Not all countries seem to want to even get through human trials before launching the vaccine, so that will be interesting to watch.

I continue to observe and take notes from my blanket fort.

I have begun spending less and less time on Facebook, because the idiocy and meanness I find there is just too damn depressing, and this is sad because I have friends I only see or hear from on there. Maybe once things get back to “normal” people will begin to act like sentient compassionate humans again. (Not holding my breath.)

“Hell is other people.” Jean-Paul Sartre

Not all other people, but, I think you get it. (You introverts do!)

So today there are some folks doing some work around our place and once they are gone, I will have a little brunch and watch some more Killing Eve on Hulu, then perhaps make some art on paper or in one of my journals, (I was very motivated by my lessons yesterday), then maybe this afternoon I will pull out the current fiction project and pound words for a bit longer.

Though I didn’t sleep well last night and I’m a bit tired, I am in general, feeling well. Ready for fall to come, ready for the vaccine to come, ready for the virus to go. Ready to face life today, (one day at a time). Til next time–

Peace Out

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Blog June 5, 2020 from the Virtual Blanket-Fort

I say “Ow!” when I’m poked. I sometimes lash out when I feel uncomfortable or attacked. I admit it. It’d be hard NOT to be uncomfortable this year, this month, with all that is going on. And growth is painful as a bitch.

This difficult time is definitely making me take stock, re-affirm the things I know to be true and stretch myself way beyond what is comfortable.

When hurt I do tend to retreat to a safe fall-back bunker, a virtual blanket fort of comfort and self-soothing. I’ve been camped there for about three days, trying to heal enough to poke my head back out. (Especially on social media.)

Sigh.

I find myself afraid to speak in such sensitive times. I definitely do feel like everything I say is picked apart.

I’m not a perfect person, I’m a recovering perfectionist, which, in case you have any confusion, is not a really good thing to be. It’s got the word “perfect” stuck right in there, but it is so far from being the reality.

I was looking back at some thoughts I had a few years ago and was able to say that I’ve definitely grown in some areas, but I have a long way to go. I’m not a person who does “politically-correct” very well, I don’t like to be censored. But even more than that, I don’t want to hurt people who are already hurting. But all I know is how to be myself and speak the way I speak and if I inadvertently hurt someone, try to apologize and pick up the pieces the best I can.

My religion is this: LOVE.

My fallback position is this: LOVE

My answer to most of life’s ills is this: LOVE

I don’t pretend to know how to walk out the answers to the world’s troubles, and I don’t believe in pat answers anyway. But more love, more education, hearts and minds that are opened and willing to learn and grow, this is a key for me. If it isn’t key in your life, we’re probably going to butt heads… a lot.

If you think you’ve got it all figured out, we aren’t gonna mesh well. Heaven knows I struggle with my own self daily to strike a balance between confidence and being a know-it-all. I don’t know it all but also, I’ve learned a very tough lesson about adopting the views of other’s blindly and I don’t do that anymore. And yes, I’m prickly about it. But I’m not likely to join a cult, either. I’m not much of a joiner at all these days.

As I DO feel I’m walking on eggshells, I’ll just say this. I’ve been wrong in the past, and I know I still have things to learn, especially about racism. Also I hate being judged by those who don’t know me. I’m prickly about that, too. (I have a lot of my own issues based on my own experiences, as you have yours.) Rest assured, I’m continually working on me. But I cannot and will not blindly adopt the belief systems of others, (especially when their answer is for me to just be more like them.) For me to know something and know it well, deep down, I have to examine it closely for myself. I’ve grown sick of people telling me what to say or who to be. Sick and tired. A prickly point for me? Yes, indeed.

Also, sick of all the hate, bigotry, misogyny, and racism in the world. If you’re trying to fight that, we are more on the same side than you know.

You do you and I’ll stay in my cozy fort continually working on who ME is. I’ll keep growing and keep learning. I’ll keep doing me the best way I know how to, on any given day. My virtual blanket-fort can be a lonely place at times, but sometimes that’s the point.

And sometimes I invite special folks in for a visit. Special in their love and compassion, usually. (I have little patience for criticism or judgment.)

For those fighting the good fight in big ways and small, for working on yourself, too, no matter how uncomfortable, I salute you.

(Comes out from blanket-fort long enough for fist bumps and coffee mug clinks.)

Peace Out

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Pammy’s Blog/Ramble 1,254 April 23 20

Talk about having a lot of time to rant and ramble and navel gaze. Introspection has been my jam largely over the last 15 years and most especially the last four or five and now from the middle of a global pandemic. The following will be an amalgamation of my current thoughts, musings, and my overall health and well-being.

I’ve had lung mess off and on a lot, and was sick in the lungs and coughing for a full 2 years. Yes, literally. This 2 year time frame began to come to an end and I began to feel better around summer 2019. Since then my lungs had been amazing, super well, almost healthier than ever as I’d tightened down my already tight eating habits and had indeed dedicated my entire year 2019 to getting well and healthy. It had begun to work and I turned a corner.

Now, since February or so of this year, (when our allergy season begins here in Central Florida) I’ve had throat and lung mess off and on continually. I get super phlegmy, sometimes a sore throat, and then it will start to move into my lungs. Then it goes away and gets better. (I take some amazing immune support products and I know that I know that these have saved my life many times) but recently it just keeps coming and going repeatedly. I’ve not run a high fever and rarely a low grade one. May be related to EBV issues I’ve had, but whatever it is, it distresses me even more NOW because, of course, when you’re in the midst of a pandemic, every time you get sick you are faced with your own mortality and the possibility that this could be “it” and maybe I’ll die and maybe not and maybe I’ll get really, really sick and then get well, or maybe not.

That’s what I’m dealing with physically. Last 2 nights breathing a bit rough. No fever. Productive cough. Using inhaler.

On top of the physical, of course, I, like everyone, have been trying to deal with the mental, emotional, psychological distress, keep an eye on my spirit and soul and look after me.

Over the last several years, I’ve changed, a lot. I know that deep down I am more genuinely ME than I have ever been, but I have learned and am learning to have strong boundaries, and to say what I think and feel. I’ve done and am doing a lot of healing. I know that this looks like a hot mess to those around me, but I can’t care about that. I am getting really good at monitoring my emotional energy levels and protecting my empathic self. Protecting my soul, protecting me. It finally occurred to me after many years that I am the only one who truly can and should do this. I have to establish boundaries, I have to know and love me, and I don’t have to care what that looks like to anyone else.

I know that those few people that were a part of my life 20 years ago that still follow me in any way, are confused about who I am and what’s going on. Again, I can’t waste energy on that. I have a limited supply. For the most part I say and write things for my own “processing”. But if anyone who really knows, loves, and cares about me, maybe that small percentage of those who follow me that do–that follow me for more than pure entertainment value–will get something out of reading this junk I write. Ultimately, I do it for me, though.

I have been seeking my new “tribe” for a while now. I have to surround myself only with those who truly have my interest and my back, those that I truly connect with in some way NOW today, the person I am and am becoming. I have lost many friends, some who genuinely were friends and some that were acquaintances, but I have NEEDED to let them go and in some cases actually push them away. I am doing this for my own good and my own health.

I finally feel like I am beginning to find a new tribe. I have found that writers and artists, most especially those who are not overly religiously zealous, are making up a large part of it. But it is not mandatory that someone NOT be a religious person in order to be my friend, in fact, I have two particularly close friends that are still very into their Christian faith, but I find it harder and harder to relate to them or connect because that’s not where I’m at these days, and actually find a lot of “religiosity” and Christianeze to be highly annoying, (to be honest) but I always try to see a person’s heart and motivation. I understand the viewpoint of being deeply embedded in right-wing Christianity because I was there for many years of my life. 

But my life, my worldview, my belief systems have dramatically changed over fifteen or twenty years, and I fully understand that in a Christian perspective, this makes me lost, backslidden, and plain wrong. I do not believe that, not in any way or form. I am stronger, healthier (mentally and emotionally and spiritually) than I have ever been, regardless of how it looks to others. And no, I don’t need to explain it or justify it.

I am walking my own path and journey of growth, it’s nobody else’s. Don’t get it? Too bad. (Boundaries! Yay!)

I do not like to cut people out of my life but have done so and will continue to if I need to to protect myself from toxicity or even just to STOP feeling like people need me to stop and explain myself at every turn. I don’t need to.

I have a global worldview. I have friends that I chat with all over the world. Kind, loving, genuine people with large hearts and tons of love for others. When you open your heart to those that are different, you begin to grow and see things differently. I now know more about what I look for in a friend than I ever have. It’s not a common belief system or ideology always, but it is people who are real, vulnerable and genuine. I tend to have instant connections with such folk. It’s what I have always strived to be.

I thought it’d be fun to share some things about me, so you can know if we have points of connection or not, and if you want to move on, you can, or if I don’t connect with you, I can move on.

All the stuff I shared above (already revealed a lot about me)!

Also, I have been endeavoring to remove all masks and fakery from my life. I want you to see and know the real me. I’ve always strived for this but I’m getting better at it.

If you don’t know already, I’m a writer, poet, retired indie publisher and editor, philosopher of sorts, and very deep thinker. I’m a “wordy”. Only in recent years I’ve found a love for art, painting, art journaling and the like.

I love people. I also can’t tolerate being around many of them for very long. If I don’t connect on some sort of deep level, I move on.

I don’t like to lump people into “I hate this person, they’re the devil” kind of categories. That’s anger and hatred and I don’t need blind hatred in my life. I believe everyone (almost everyone) has some good in them and aren’t awful all the time. Me or you can be a jerk one day and do something wonderful the next. I do believe there is evil in the world but I think very few people are truly completely evil. (And many of them are sociopaths with psychological problems or brain malfunction, which doesn’t mean you shouldn’t stay away from them.) Noting of course that some people are so broken and damaged that they break and damage others.

So I’m drawn to people who are more sensible in this area.

I’m drawn to practicality, scientific fact, and a lack of deceit or true malice.

I’m very discerning and (usually) can spot a fraud a mile away. I remember even as a teen, laughing in people’s faces at some of the mess they would say to try to manipulate me. Not saying I cannot be manipulated but it would be harder with me than the average Jane.

I don’t have many friends because I don’t put up with crap. Period.

If I am your friend, like truly and deeply, I will become like an octopus on your face (hard to get rid of). Just joking, not at all stalkery but very loyal. I will defend you at every turn.

The opposite of stalkery, I will disappear for weeks or months at a time, but that’s because I am, at my heart, an introvert that enjoys my own company. (Except I’m getting sick of me during this pandemic.) I NEED downtime. I live largely in my head. The things I am most passionate about are the things I do alone, like write, paint, or draw.

If you are dishonest in the way of lying, cheating, stealing, stay far from me for both our sakes.

I will never intentionally hurt you (unless you draw first blood. Then look out.) I will defend my family like a fierce lion. (And sometimes my opinion.)

Okay, that’s enough about me. Tell me about you! (Something deep and real.)


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Witness

I’ve felt at times like a small child, carrying a bundled napkin in my hands, holding it out in front of me
and inside that napkin is my stuff, my trauma
and I’m walking the world looking
seeking for someone strong and true
to open and view what’s inside the napkin
and not tell me I’m crazy
or a drama queen
or looking for attention
or that it was my fault
or that I need to get over it
or just to bury it deep inside my pocket
and never take it out again
I’m looking for witness
I’m looking to be heard
Pam Swyers–copyright 2019
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I Reject That (Plus Big Love)

Hello! (Blog May 18, 2019 on love, healing, our lenses, etc) AKA “I Reject That”

 

So today hubs and I were having another of our many discussions on political mess, hot points, how people view the world, and oh-so-many things. I’ve had a big blog brewing inside of me this week. So here goes.

We were discussing big government versus small (we do this a lot), and also the Republican vs the Democratic views on each, and let me tell you about the drum I’ve been banging for some time now.

We’ve been taught very efficiently for generations now, and in one way or another, always, HOW to view the world. We’ve been asked to choose our boxes (lenses through which we see the world & ways in which we define ourselves and label others). Few tend to realize this or think about it overly much, we plod on in our daily lives, trying to get by, be happy, raise kids, etc. Who has time for deep thinking or getting a new perspective? Sometimes there is a benefit in being forced into seasons of stillness. You get to think of things in a broader way, look at the big picture (everyone on planet earth) rather than just your little cocooned world.

We were discussing how homeless people are reviled; the “get a job, you loser” mindset vs the person who buys a homeless person a meal, that kinda thing. I’ve been told by people closest to me never to give people money. I reject that. I am a wise, old, smart woman nowadays. I have some discernment. I don’t go around throwing money at everyone I see, but I do follow the spirit and soul inside me that often prompts me to do something when I see a need. Sometimes that’s reaching into my wallet and giving someone $20 and sometimes it is silent prayers or kind thoughts, and sometimes I just don’t know what to do, but listen, I have empathy. I know that, as the Christians say, “There but for the grace of God go I.” (That gets conveniently thrown out at times.)

I know that we are a handful of paychecks from being homeless ourselves. We all are– (unless you happen to have 6 or 7 figures in a savings account, and if you do, good for you, but help others with your money)– so very close to being in trouble. Illness, job loss, any number of things can and do happen. Many churches teach the “they’ll just spend it on booze and drugs” mindset. I reject that. You don’t know that. I don’t know that. Nobody but their higher power knows what they’ll do with the $20 I give them, and I’ll go further and say, I don’t even care. Once I’ve made up my mind that I’m supposed to help someone, it’s my job ONLY to follow that prompting. What they do with it is up to them. They’ll no longer be able to piss and moan that they are hungry cuz they had their chance. But we are taught “Do as I tell You” by people and organizations and not taught to follow your soul and spirit promptings and intuition and heart.

Republican and often Christian or conservative lens or mindset: You deserve the life you have, you didn’t work hard enough, you’re a druggie and a conman. (Talk about judgey! Who died and made you a demi-god?)

Democratic/liberal/hippie mindset often: ( I am pigeon-holing here to prove a point) Oh my! What happened? How are you? Tell me your story. Can I buy you some food or take you to a shelter?

I know there is crossover here, because, exactly my point, we ought not be defined by labels and boxes and allow ourselves to be lumped in like this. But MOST times, each of us will gravitate toward one way of thinking or another.) Why? We’re taught to. Absolutely. All of the people in my scenario here are basically good people and they are convinced they are right. Loving people, people who have kids and don’t even abuse them. Good hearts. But if they don’t fit in our “box” or labeled group that we identify with, we call them evil. If you’re not like me you’re evil.

I reject that.

I refuse to be a Republican or a Democrat but I will be a loving human.

I do come from a very unique perspective, in that—I grew up in a conservative Republican home with parents who, at that time, were not Christians, but we kids jokingly called them Ozzie and Harriet. Good, good people, still are. But they, like everyone, had signed up to a box or lens, to a group that told them, “You don’t have to think for yourself, I got this. I’ll tell you what to think, I’ll skew your thinking, I’ll manipulate you in any way I can to make you believe this Republican agenda is the way and the only way.” And this goes for cults, often churches (don’t stone me) and other organizations as well, of course. Be a sheep, not a leader and do not think things through for yourself.

I had opportunity to expand my thinking and I took it. I journeyed. I fought through a very difficult path (& not just some physically devastating things) but I did the inner work.

Now, hold on, stay with me.

I am not calling all Republicans stupid, though I hear people do that every day. It hurts me. Don’t lump people together and judge them when you do NOT know their life, what they were taught to believe was good and right, and especially before the internet age when our worlds blew up and expanded and we had access to tons more information. My parents, and many still today, were/are cocooned in their box, (& this is my perspective but oh how I love and respect them for many reasons). They’re taught not to go outside that box and read anything or watch anything or believe anything because that threatens their agenda. After all, if people were to begin to believe that all people of every race and political affiliation and religious background and affiliation were good, kind people, (mostly, ‘cept for the ones that do evil for whatever reason), what would that do?? Utter chaos! Dogs and cats living together! Nobody’s agendas are being pushed ahead and people are left to think for and decide for themselves what to believe (in every aspect). Whatever shall we do???

Just please give that a moment and let that sink in. Re-read if necessary, I’m having a drink of water.

Now, to address those specifically who have very strong faith beliefs, such as Christianity, but including all religions and faiths.

You believe how you did because someone you trusted did, and shared it with you. They helped you get some healing revelation and you cried, they cried, Jesus wept, and then you went on to join up with said religion. I’m cool with that because 1) been there, done that, and 2) I believe in REAL freedom of religion. (Which should make me a good American Patriot, if people believed what was written, etc., but I digress.)

(disclaimer; your religious rights cease where they cross the line of someone else’s freedom or safety.)

(If you’re my child reading this, it may have been me that taught you what to believe and took you to church!)

It’s all Learned. All of this is learned Input into all that is you. And whomever taught you what they taught you, they did it with a good motive and heart, I truly believe this, except in extreme cult-like situations, evil people, drunk abusers, etc.

But here is where I reside.

I came out of traditional, fundamental and evangelical Christianity because I had what one might call an awakening FOR ME, and a super big change that happened in my heart and life. It began by looking at people and the world as a whole and not just looking at people in my narrow world. To put it in terms everyone might understand, and this has been extraordinarily difficult to share with people in such a way that they can understand, but I still try sometimes—my heart exploded. My Creator gave me Big Love. (Yeah, sounds hippified, doesn’t it??)

There has always been a hippie non-conformist inside of me. In church I was told I had to subjugate that spirit, stop being a rebel, stop thinking for myself or of myself. I came to realize that everything I have been through in my life led me to that moment, the moment I realized that I am exactly and precisely who my creator made me to be, and that’s okay. I’m okay. I’m truly worthy. I’m good. (Didn’t get that from church teachings.)

For me anyway, church became a place that I saw as–good genuine people, for the most part, that taught me their biblical teachings that they tried in vain to make me accept and understand. But there was always a still small voice (which I now believe to be the voice of my creator) calling me out and away.

As all of this began to happen around 2009, well, you can only imagine the backlash. I’d been a traditional Christian for many, many years. I had raised my children Christian. I’d volunteered and been on staff at church, I had a ton to lose. I began to lose it.

I started seeking truth outside of the belief in the literal interpretations of scripture because, that nagging voice… I’d read things like the story in Genesis where the band of robbers and thieves snuck into a guy’s home one night and began to rape and pillage, and one of the bad guys tried to rape the man’s son (yes man on man rape) and the man responded by saying “Here, please, take my young daughter instead.” This is one of many, many areas in the bible where I began to have trouble. (Anyone thinking of the legislation now and also the dudes that just recently got let off for rape? Proven rape? And one was the rape of his own daughter, and one was in ministry.) Give that some meditative thought and consideration. Pray on that one.

Anyway, our society from the beginning of time has been patriarchal. And maybe that wouldn’t be so bad IF there were not such abuse, if men really cared and loved and cherished and if they protected their women and daughters and did not treat women like second-class (or lower) people, like possessions to be tossed about and used like a tissue and thrown away.

I just had a discussion a couple days ago where we talking about how—every woman has experienced misogyny, you can’t get away from it, it’s so pervasive. Just based on my own personal knowledge of other women alone, I’d give you the statistics that at least 9 out of 10 women, if they told the truth, have been groped, assaulted, demeaned sexually, raped or something of the kind. Men rape their wives and get away with it. Women are so beaten down that they cannot muster up the strength to leave their abusers who threaten to kill them. I don’t need to go on, you know.

I have found the church, particularly in retrospect, to have been a tool in many ways to keep women down. They are still allowed only certain positions in most churches (if any leadership position at all) and are quoted scripture to back it up. Which is a crying shame because many women have so much to offer in these areas.

“Tradition! It’s always been this way! The scriptures say…” Yeah this was put into place with a very real fleshy manly agenda, I guarantee you.

I got to a place where I simply could not be a part of it any more. Not just the women thing, but I cannot accept scripture as 100% literal and applicable in every and all circumstance to my life in 2019. It does not make any sense in many ways and places, and I do believe people sometimes feel this deep down inside of them but have too much to lose to stand up and say it. Learned behavior. Tradition. It has always been this way….

I reject that.

I believe the bible to have tons of good stuff but also lots of history and culture and allegory. Recently Pat Robertson—whom I would never hold out as an authority but still—recently came out and said Christians had to accept scientific fact when it’s presented to them and that the earth was much, much older than first believed. He was practically stoned for it.

I just can’t, my Christian friends and family, I cannot go blindly along anymore. Many of you have heard at least parts of my journey and such before. I had not intended for this to turn into apologetics for my current belief system, at least not entirely, but I guess I must include it when I talk about what I have learned and now believe. For those of you have been wondering (from my old life) but did not know fully what was going on with me, I can only say I love you but walk away from me if you must. I must go my way, led only by my creator, spirit, and intuition. And yeah maybe even some Jesus, Rumi, Jeff Brown, Brene’ Brown and many other writers and teachers I enjoy.

I am at an age where (when I face illnesses and such) I must think about my mortality and I think about who I want to be, what I want to give to the world, what do I want people to know about me, what legacy do I want to leave behind? Love, authenticity, transparency. (Some art and writings, too!!)

Big Love

I spoke before of an awakening, a breaking open of my heart… yes. I was given a love like I have never ever known. If I’m given it, as with any gift, I must use it. I have a love for people that is all-encompassing and worldwide. It does not discern between races, religions or political affiliations (though some of y’all test me sometimes!) LOL! I just mean with the ugliness, name-calling, etc. When you have Big Love (cuz I don’t know what else to call it) it is hard to watch others tearing each other apart that do not have it.

Compassion, empathy. They’re real, people, get to know them.

It broke me, it was that kinda love… then it set me free. No masks, no boxes, I’m just me all the time to everyone. Never experienced this kind of thing before, not like this, and didn’t see much of this kinda love in church, it’s sad to say.

And, of course also, through my journey I’ve learned so many other things, not the least of which is to have strong boundaries. And that I am not filthy, wasn’t born that way, don’t need anything else to save me but my Big Love.

I feel like the whole world is telling me continually to stay in my box, all of us to stay in our boxes. You must choose Republican or Democrat, straight or gay, Choice or Life, black or white, Catholic or Protestant or whatever…

I whole-heartedly reject that.

I’ll go the way of other amazing peace-makers (MLK, Maya Angelou and so, so many others) and walk my solitary path, knowing what I know. Loving how I love.

And at the risk of sounding cheesy, I really and truly do have big squishy, hippie all-encompassing love for you, each of you. And no matter what lens you choose to look through, I sincerely hope and pray it is a lens of Big Love.

Peace Out!

 

 

(PS: Obvs – as long as this is, it is still only a small part of my journey to find me. I will keep on sharing here and there and ask me anything. Cuz that’s what I do.)