Tag: growth

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August 2021

It’s the end of August and I haven’t blogged for a bit. Upgraded my phone and laptop this year and we bought a new (to us) home, so we have been busy.

It seems like the last few years have been about new beginnings, but like over and over. I am so ready to SETTLE in for a bit. We love our area and the friends we’ve made in Central Florida. We adore our new place and the neighborhood seems to be very amenable to walking and being outdoors and making friends. If I can get some cooler temps coming in (which should be soon) I want to start walking outside instead of just doing my bike in the house. I have been enjoying the pool though during this summer heat.

Now if we can just get Covid and its many mutations to Go the F Away and stay away. If only. My hopes are that the world (and our state) will be far more clear of this mess by Christmas.

What a couple years, eh? Batshit. The fear, the Unknown, the lack of control we all felt (that some handled better than others) and the complete inability for some to accept what was happening… (all totally normal, I suppose, under the circumstances). We all have had such different experiences and backgrounds, our personalities can be so utterly different, different ages, all sorts of things, so, of course, we respond uniquely. If there is anything we humans (maybe especially Americans) love, it’s control. It’s being in the know. We want the skinny and we want it NOW.

But I wonder how we will recover in the long-term. How can we ever go back to who we once were? Maybe the answer is that we cannot. I truly hope we can be smarter, more compassionate, more willing to share with one another in an atmosphere of love and acceptance… but I don’t see evidence of it. Our world, our nation has been rocked and it has changed, I’m not sure for the better. A lot of people, myself included, are more afraid to fly than ever before. (And I’m not even talking about the risk of the virus, but how people have been behaving.) There are more (or at least more obvious) mental health issues than ever before. We’ve all been traumatized. Some folks just don’t seem well, not at all. Kindness and compassion go out the window and full-on meltdowns are the go-to response to, well, anything. It’s like we’ve had ENOUGH and cannot take any more.

Where in the world will we end up?? Heaven only knows.

Early on in the pandemic, I found some ways for me to cope. 1) I take one day and one decision at a time. It helps me NOT to feel overwhelmed. 2) I had my “F U” moment. I think everyone needs this, the moment where you scream at the top of your lungs “F you and F that and F Covid!” Etc, etc. Mine lasted a bit. I had some old stuff to get out, and this helped me more than anything I’ve tried, to destress, let go of old anger and old stuffed trauma and memories. Anger and hurt that is stuffed down will find its way out, be it days, weeks, or years later. It comes out physically and emotionally and can and does make us sick. The Only Way Out is Through. I learned to stop stuffing. 3) similar to 2, and this began even well before the pandemic, I take care of myself and have gotten a little therapy, learned to be fully myself, have my opinions and independence, and without beating up others in the process.

I’ve learned that I’m not just okay, I’m more than okay. I love and I am loved. I love and care for myself and my uniqueness and I value it. All those old messages of Not being quite good enough have been kicked to the curb and have no power over me now. I don’t feel the same pressures I used to, to fit in or make others happy. I am me, come along for the ride or get away, I really don’t care anymore. (Some of this freedom comes with age!) As we get older, and also having been through times of crisis, we can more clearly see the ridiculousness of some of the things we used to fret about. Ideally, old falsehoods and bad habits and attitudes burn away. I focus on health, in every area.

I’m a recovering perfectionist, still working on it. I believe it goes along with trying too hard for too many years to please everyone around me. It made me critical. I still struggle with this every day, but I have my head on straight finally.

I take responsibility (and this is a biggie) for me. For all I do or say. I don’t do the blame game or gaslight or manipulate others in order to make myself feel better. I see way too much of this behavior in the world today, and I refuse to participate. But neither do I apologize too frequently, or if I genuinely have no reason to; I live an unapologetic real life.

I was thinking about people who cut (hurt themselves) or have other methods of what I believe to be Release. For me, writing is a release, even if I repeat myself or vent or make no sense at all. Drawing, painting, and being creative helps me, too. I was thinking about how we can learn more positive forms of “pressure release” so that so many people don’t have to go through life self-medicating or self-harming, just to get by. We’ve got to get better. We have to do BETTER.

I truly hope and pray we humans grow from these past months and years. That we learn to cope without hurting ourselves or others. I truly hope for healing.

Peace Out for now my friends-

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Late July (like my favorite cracker brand)

Haven’t blogged in ages but I’ve been writing in my journals; you remember– longhand. A lost art. Somehow it vibes differently.

We are in the midst of moving house. We’re taking advantage of the wild market and making a move that should set us up nicely for our future. Wouldn’t have even thought of it, but for the market going nuts and the interest rates being so low. We finally decided a move would be adventurous and we still had just enough adventure left in us to do so (though now I’m beginning to wonder… I may be getting too old for this.) Will soon close on our current home and hope to be in new one by mid-August.

So many lessons we learn in this life… patience, gratitude, living in the present moment… all good things. Annoying AF on the way to learning them. But good things.

We’ve been getting out and about more since we got vaxxed but I am concerned about the world at large. I get why some don’t maybe want to get vaxxed but also believe they have then a huge responsibility to wear masks and be responsible. Some claim to be against fear, and yet are so afraid of the vaccine. Makes no logical sense to me. I certainly don’t live in fear. But I do take my responsibilities to my fellow man seriously. I came to the conclusion that there IS NO perfect answer. Sometimes life is hard and it sucks and there are viruses and all manner of bad things that happen. Virus–BAD. Side effects–if you get them from vaccine–BAD. It’s a crapshoot. Such is life on planet earth and it is not for the feint of heart.

I have friends and family that have chosen not to vaccinate. I don’t necessarily agree with their decision, but in such bizarre times I am finding more and more that I do not want to judge the actions of others. They are where they are, I am where I am. Each of us must decide for ourselves, along with a million other decisions every day, large and small. In such times, I conclude, I have no right to judge. We all do the best we can with what we know. The best we can in our own lives. Trying to force everyone (or anyone) to believe as I do has only left me with a headache from banging my head on the wall. To be trite, YOU do YOU and I’ll do me.

For a while there I shut a lot of people out. I tend to do that–push people away that disagree with me–but eventually you will find yourself very alone doing such a thing. I’ve always kinda been a “Why can’t we all just get along?” kinda gal. So I am trying to put that into practice. There are so many people out there that I find so many things to love about–and have to stop letting one or two small differences keep me from friendship. They say “No man is an island” and I have truly tried to be one (outside of my family) I have shut many people out. I have had impossible standards at times. I am trying to get over it. This f-ing virus and political fighting has done so much to destroy us and beat us down and pit us against one another, I wonder if we as a country will ever really get over it.

And when I pop my head out and look around and the BS fighting and politics and fear-mongering is all I see, it’s way too easy to cocoon myself away again. But I will keep doing some of that under the heading of Self Care or Boundaries or Knowing My Limits. I only have so much emotional and physical energy these days and I flat out refuse to give it away on drama and nonsense. So maybe some of the “keeping people at arm’s length” isn’t all bad…? Maybe? Depending on what they bring to the relationship. Come at me with love, patience, humor, empathy and understanding, and we will get along. Come my way with judgment, drama, hatred, bigotry, or ignorance and you will see me pulling back. I guess in the end, a girl’s gotta do what a girl’s gotta do.

I hope you are all coping well and making good decisions and finding and keeping your peace. Stay well, my friends, and peace out.

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Adulting.

I was thinking today about two things: One, how we get to know who we really are, and Two, Deciding who we want to be. I spent a lot of time (years!) on the first one, and these days I think a lot more on the second. I often find myself asking these questions:

Do I want to be THAT person? That says THAT thing? Or does THAT?

When I need to make a decision, as small as calling a friend or as large as changing life in more profound ways (moving or something else that is a BIG decision) I stop and really think about what I’m doing, what I’m saying, and WHO (what kind of person) I want to be.

So I started off knowing who I am now, past and present, and then transitioned into thinking about looking forward. Am I fully who/how I want to be? I’ve become so aware.

It’s adulting, isn’t it? Fully realizing that each and every decision we make has a consequence, be it good or bad or somewhat neutral. Adulting at its finest. Who I surround myself with has consequences. Who I love. How I choose to put myself “out there” to others. It all matters, if even in the tiniest of ways.

I’ve watched a lot of movies recently and one theme I really see a lot, is that one person saying one thing to someone can have a profound impact. (Sometimes the impact is good and sometimes bad.) I don’t wanna be a person who gets utterly shut down, worrying about what I say and do and what others think about it, but also, I want to be aware. As much as possible I really want to be a person that encourages others.

I want to be the one that others feel they can talk to and share their lives with. I want to be open. Secure. Settled. Wise. And even when I find differences between myself and someone else, I want to love and accept them despite these differences, as much as possible. I’ve often said we are not all the same and were not meant to be, and how boring would that be—so I want to walk that out.

It can be HARD especially if I feel profoundly and deeply about something and maybe others take issue with it, but adulting can also mean, knowing when to break away. When you’ve done all you can, let it be. Let people be who they are, and if we just can’t click, so be it. Peace. You go your way and I’ll go mine, but I wish you no ill will.

Maybe I’m finally getting the knack of this adulting thing. I hope so cuz I think it’s here to stay for me.

When I was young back in Oklahoma, we had these neighbors, twin girls, and one said about their sister, “Next time I’m gonna be born with the mole on my leg.” One of those random things I remember because it struck me how she thought she’d be doing it all again. (She was about three, I think.)

My son once said when he was a similar age, when we were discussing growing up, that when he grew down, he was going to do this and that. He thought that people grew up and then grew back down to infancy. I don’t think I’ll be growing back down, so I’d better get used to this.

Acceptance. A large part of adulting.

Peace Out, my friends!

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Day to Day Feb 24

Gonna go back through a lot of my writings and maybe delete some things, which kinda goes against all I stand for, but I’m entering a new and different place or phase, and I don’t want some of the more negative stuff following me around like an online ghost. Knowing full well of course, that what is out out there, is always out there, to some degree, but I want my pages and blogs to reflect more of what I am and less of what I was.

Such a strange time to be alive on planet Earth. (I’ve said this a lot before and I’m sure I will again.)

Pretty well adjusted to The New Normal by this time. Don’t go out a lot, usually only to pick something up from Target or Publix, always with my mask on, being good, thinking of others. Wearing a mask is about others, for me. I’m fortunate enough NOT to have to wear one all day in a work situation and I feel for those who do.

Most days I’m in a really good place, emotionally. Isolation can still be hard but way easier for me than for some. I tend to be a solitary person for the most part, even under the best of circumstances. There are few people I care to hang out with or be around on the regular. But there are a couple people I miss.

Hubs and I are joined at the hip. We kinda always have been but then we moved to Florida and he began to work from home and that took things to a new level, then the pandemic, and even another level. I have to say that being THIS CLOSE to someone is a new thing in my life. He is my person. If he were not, I think it would’ve ended us. (I say this only because I feel like it would undo any relationship that wasn’t rock solid. Glad ours is.) He has been my closest confidante and friend, my world and my everything and I’m so thankful for him. I can’t help but think about single people who are uber-isolated and alone and I feel for them. My gratitude helps keep me sane. (That’s been a thing with me, gratitude grounds me.)

For me, closeness has always come hand in hand with fear of losing someone so the closer I get to hubs over the years, the more that underlying fear increases, I guess it comes with the package of truly loving someone.

The pandemic has really brought me face to face with death. It’s a thing. A path we all will take one day. We’ve lost so many perfectly wonderful humans to this virus, and to other things. I lost my dad in December. I can’t wait for a brighter, more hopeful day. When the reaper ends its deeper sweep into humanity and the virus fades. If only death could be put back in its place.

I don’t recognize the face in the mirror anymore, I’ve aged so much in the last two years. I’m trying to get to know this new older person staring back at me. But I’ve really gotten to know the person on the inside. I know me, I love me, I’m cool with me. That, at least, feels good.

I put on a few pounds during the holidays, I purposefully loosened the reigns on my “diet” (meaning the way I normally eat), so that I might enjoy a cookie or a slice of my DIL’s homemade goodies, that sort of thing. I couldn’t help but think, “What if I died tomorrow and never had another scone or muffin or bite of cake??” And now I’m paying for it. My body does not tolerate sugar well, it swells immediately when I eat sweets, normal serving sizes, not a pig out, but if I have sweets 3 times in one week, I will pay a dear price. My joints will hurt, my body swells, my clothes don’t fit.

This is how my bod functions. Not sure if others can get away with it, it seems so to me, but I cannot. So now I am trying to tighten back up, eat less sugar, drink more water, do more of what I know to do. But/and/also if I can stay in my same size of clothes, just do THAT well, I’ll be okay cuz I don’t have that driving need to be thinner, thinner, always thinner, that I had when younger. I just want health, that is all. Just a healthy, strong body that will carry me through all of the ups n downs until I take that final journey.

In a sense, growing older is such a loss of innocence, like on a whole new level. I don’t have the luxury of never thinking about my own death anymore. But it’s like anything else, you get to know about it, put away the fear, decide its simply another part of life, as natural as rain. And press on pushing that boulder up that mountain.

I hope my friends are all well and strong and dealing with life. I keep holding on to this old adage, “This, too, shall pass.”

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Blogolicious Jan 2021 (life in the time of covid-19 and extremism)

So, yeah. the world has gone crazy again. I deactivated my Facebook account, again. (Once again I feel like a stranger in a strange land, like a lone voice crying out in the wilderness.) All those around me are crying “Havoc!” and letting loose the dogs of war.

As I see NBA players kneeling (now more fully understanding why they do this than I ever used to) and then read the vitriolic responses of the far right, I laugh, a mirthless chuckle. The extreme right does not care to understand, does not dare to open their hearts or minds to new thoughts or information. They don’t care about compassion and understanding but they do care if anyone rubs up against their narrow POV.

If a person hides themselves away refusing to look, read, learn, know anything outside of what they have always known, they will become more and more extremist. Any time you block yourself off from wisdom or knowledge or facts, and insist on only following a finite set of information, you set yourself up for cult-like extremist behavior. It’s bound to happen. History always repeats itself. Because the lessons that should have been learned have not been learned, not at all. When you know you’re right all the time and throw in a little religious fervor, look out. And some of them don’t even need the religion, they just need a cause to launch themselves behind, no matter how hateful it is.

Let’s say the number 5000 represented all the knowledge and wisdom and factual information available to us humans today. Some people will stop at 10. Some at twenty. Some at 4000. They will stop and say “I know it all! I know everything I need to know! Don’t talk to me about anything outside of this!” and “If you believe anything outside of THIS, not only are you wrong, but you’re stupid and evil, too.”

SMDH. Humans are so funny, but not in a laughable way, not today.

I’ve had enough of extremist view points. POVs that leave out compassion, talking with and discussing things calmly and logically with others, that refuse ever ever to (heaven forbid) listen to someone else’s POV. I see it every day. If you start to say something new to them, you can see the wall clang down as their minds and hearts close off. They have already made up their minds about everything til the end of time. They require no new information. It’s fear. It’s lack of maturity. It’s close-mindedness in the extreme.

There are some who follow me who are from a more, shall we say, conservative mindset. That’s fine. I get it. I’ve come out of some of that background myself. But many of you, even family members, do not know me, haven’t been around me for many years. I got to thinking that I know them quite well because they are the same in many ways as they have always been. But they do NOT know me. If you haven’t been around me in twenty years, I guarantee you do not know me. I’ve changed and grown a ton and been through a lot. I feel as though the universe itself said “I will bang your stubborn head on a brick wall until you open your mind and listen.” (The Universe apparently not being content to just let me be.)

Maybe it needs free thinkers, open-minded folks who are teachable enough and open-minded enough to grow along with all the changes that have occurred this century. Maybe people with open minds and hearts are in short supply so I was selected, I don’t know. I only know that I am a product of my experiences, (like most) though some seem to willingly shut themselves off from new experiences.

I’ve lived in a cave (metaphorically speaking) locked away from anything other than One POV, and there is certainly comfort in it. Soft, cozy. Warm.

The real world can be cold and harsh, but out there is where the fighting is, the true struggle. The struggle to be the best YOU you can become. This does not happen without ever having everything you believe in shaken and rattled, questioned, butted about, without something forcing you to face it all. (A new motto of mine is Question Everything, and that is so different than who I used to be.)

If you are someone who cares, I’ll share a bit about myself here (and goodness knows there are tons of blog posts here you can go back over, if you care to know me better, truly. Not just think you know me.)

I am not a Democrat or a Republican (I’m a registered Independent.) For the most part I do support police and military, first-responders, etc. I come from a military family and I will always support those who defend us with their lives. There have been times when certain officers have crossed a line and gone over to the bad place, and if you are a person of color, you know this. It breaks my heart.

Those on the far right might find themselves wanting to call me a snowflake liberal. Whatevs. If it helps you sleep better to put me in that box, by all means. Snowflakes are unique individuals, beautiful. I’ll take it. I DO care about people, I am a softy, no doubt. I love all people, want to see all people cared for and loved and supported, protected, and fed. If having a big heart and Big Love makes me a liberal, then call me that.

I am a writer with a fierce imagination. If I was a youngster in this day and age, they’d likely medicate me for my active mind and imagination. It’s a plate of spaghetti up there, I kid you not. I am ALWAYS thinking (which feeds into me not being able to sleep without some kind of sleep aid.)

I’m smart, but I’m a fish so don’t ask me to climb a tree. Don’t ask me about geometry but I am fascinated with physics and want to learn more. My “no likey maths” brain struggles with some of these things. I am certainly more of a right-brainer than a left-brainer (more creative, less mathy) but I am intelligent. I have an eye for color and design. I am highly organized at times, but can be more loosey-goosey when it comes to art. I have become a person who questions everything. I do have conspiracy theories but they may be different than most people’s.

Though most of my life people have treated me like a dumb blond, I’m actually a brunette. I’ve been underestimated and patted on the head hundreds of times, maybe thousands. But I am a woman, so there ya go. This is how they treat us.

On the whole, I am against abortion, however, I know people who have had them, I’ve sat with them and heard their stories and I don’t judge. Rape, incest, other real life problems factor in. For people who have never experienced crisis in their life, it’s easy to judge. I don’t do it. Also, the government shouldn’t be allowed to tell me what to do with my body.

White privilege is real. I never really understood it before I began to meet and know people from all walks of life, began to read about and hear their stories. Privilege is real. If you are not a person of color you cannot begin to imagine what life is like for one (neither can I). Many do not have the capacity to have empathy for anyone different from themselves. The color of your skin is an accident of birth, you had no choice in it. You’d better believe it.

I never ever look down my nose at the homeless, knowing that many of them had homes and families and so-called normal lives once, and then crisis hit and knocked them for a loop. It is not for me or for you to judge. (“There but for the grace of God,” etc., etc.) If someone told you once 20 years ago that they are all drunks and druggies and to be despised, time to re-think. Heaven forbid it should happen to you. Sometimes we learn lessons in the hardest of ways.

I believe firmly that this right-wing extremism thing is caused by people shutting themselves off from reality. They grow only so far, and then no more, refusing any and all new information. They read only one kind of book, watch only one station, surround themselves with people who are much the same as them. It’s cultish and dangerous, I’ve learned that well.

Now you know more about me. I am all heart, and that heart is broken these days. It is all just too, too much. I never thought I’d live to see such times.

It’s easy to just follow, to go along with what everyone else is doing, it really is. It’s hard to stop and say, “No more. I will think for myself. I will gather information and decide for myself.” It’s so hard, and at times very lonely. But for the first time ever, these last few years have taught me exactly who I am. I know exactly what I believe. (I know way less than I ever did in some senses… I no longer feel I know everything, that’s for sure. I am uncertain about a lot and that’s okay and as it should be. But I remain in a state of continued seeking, learning, and growing.) My mind and heart is open (if skeptical.)

I don’t know why I’m here, and I don’t want any more pat answers. But I am here and I am a writer, and so I will continue to do what I do as long as I can.

I love you, people. I really, really do. I hope you all, we all, remember our love and compassion, especially in such times.

Peace Out!

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Life Catch-up (One Day at a Time)

Haven’t blogged in a while, been plugging away writing a book. (I actually have 2 in process but the latest one is my first non-fiction). Once these are done this will put me at 14 books written and published I believe, not counting the anthologies my publishing company published. It’s helpful to write these things out, keeps me motivated, keeps me running toward the finish line.

I never really need motivation or inspiration to write, (or to do art) but what I need is the motivation to SELL. This is where my biggest challenge lies. It has always been thus. 

My art journaling has only ever been for me (it’s therapy for me, big time), but I do have some acrylic on canvas items I need to sell. The home we are in currently isn’t large enough (a special lack of storage space) for me to keep piling up pieces, so this de-motivates me to paint on canvas. I gotta get a move on with this and soon. And, of course, I need to sell some books. I used to do book-signings, but haven’t in a long time. Maybe I need to consider lining up another one or two.

When it comes to art and writing, I seem to go in seasons, for a while concentrating on making art, then switching over to almost exclusively writing for a time, but for the most part I can say that I do both, as the spirit moves.

These days I am still feeling (I think I mentioned this once before) like I am emerging from a tunnel, a time of deep learning and change in my life, deep healing. Life changes. Epiphanies. I feel like I am emerging and calming immensely. I can only hope that the world around me takes a clue and does the same, and that this vaccine will come (though I won’t be the first to take it) and this virus mess can begin to leave and calm itself, too. 

I NEEEED to go out and eat at a restaurant with a friend, one where nobody has to wear a mask and everyone feels safe. I need that little bit of a social life I actually had (being a cocooning introvert already) but even I need to talk to another human sometimes. I actually look forward to my allergy shots so I can see other nice humans and interact for a moment or two. Enough is enough already. (Can I get a Woot Woot??)

Haven’t made one of my Writing Tips YouTube vids in a bit. I need to get to that, I’ve been having some trouble with my eyes, though. Waiting for it to calm a bit.

So, Bill Gates says that once 30 to 60 percent of Americans have taken the vaccine, it should stop it in its tracks. I know Bill knows money and I can only hope he surrounds himself with medical experts, (I would assume so) that advise him in such matters. I feel like overall, he is a pretty smart dude. (He has DT beat, though I always prefer my medical info come from medical people.) So now we wait for the vaccine. Billions of dollars are being spent on vaccines in many countries around the world, so it will be interesting to see which one comes to the forefront first, which companies launch them and when. Not all countries seem to want to even get through human trials before launching the vaccine, so that will be interesting to watch.

I continue to observe and take notes from my blanket fort.

I have begun spending less and less time on Facebook, because the idiocy and meanness I find there is just too damn depressing, and this is sad because I have friends I only see or hear from on there. Maybe once things get back to “normal” people will begin to act like sentient compassionate humans again. (Not holding my breath.)

“Hell is other people.” Jean-Paul Sartre

Not all other people, but, I think you get it. (You introverts do!)

So today there are some folks doing some work around our place and once they are gone, I will have a little brunch and watch some more Killing Eve on Hulu, then perhaps make some art on paper or in one of my journals, (I was very motivated by my lessons yesterday), then maybe this afternoon I will pull out the current fiction project and pound words for a bit longer.

Though I didn’t sleep well last night and I’m a bit tired, I am in general, feeling well. Ready for fall to come, ready for the vaccine to come, ready for the virus to go. Ready to face life today, (one day at a time). Til next time–

Peace Out

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Profoundly Human (a blog)

I just enjoyed the Broadway play Hamilton (currently on the Disney channel.) If you haven’t seen it and you’re a person who enjoys plays, I highly recommend it. It educates as it entertains. As usual, it stirred me up, got me thinking about a lot of things.

There’s a line about Legacy (how it’s planting seeds in a garden you’ll never see) and if that isn’t profound, I don’t know what is. Makes ya think about who you are, how others you care about see you, what lessons they are learning (good or bad) from watching you.

By and large the last few years have been primarily about me. Yes, I say that with a totally straight face, no shame attached. I have learned how important fixing yourself is, giving care where it is needed, even seeking help when necessary to get yourself sorted. You’ll never live your “best life” or “be all you can be” if you’re stuck in the mire of your own past.

That said, it can feel, well, overwhelming at the least, to live your life every day thinking about how others perceive you. Cuz we don’t (or shouldn’t) live to please others. We need to be fully whole and fully who we were meant to be, without requiring their validation. And of course, while also doing our best to care for those around us and look out for them as well as ourselves.

We’ve been taught to pour ourselves out in service to others. Sounds good. Noble. Righteous.

BUT. I’ve learned that our love and care should always start with our own hearts, spirits, bodies, and souls. Life on planet Earth is a war, a fight. And we cannot fight if we are not healthy. We cannot fight for ourselves or others, if we are worn down, broken, frazzled, stressed and all manner of messed up. One of the things I’ve been screaming for a while now, is simply this: Self-care is NOT selfish. It is indeed mandatory.

My best and most favorite job I’ve ever had was raising kids, albeit an often thankless and difficult job, one where you’re paid in hugs and kisses (and sometimes snot being wiped onto your clothes and loads of attitude.) I’ve blogged in the past about some of the other jobs I’ve had in my life, and there were many at various times. 

There is no paycheck for parenting and none would suffice. There’s also a ton of good, wonderful, indescribably poignant good, the kind you can’t really explain to those who are not parents. My kids were my priority for so long, and it was hard when they grew up. For the first time I had TIME to worry about me. Cuz, by and large, you don’t when you’re raising kids. 

I learned a hard work ethic from my parents. A job worth doing is worth doing well. To be lazy or even thought of as lazy, was like the Cardinal Sin in our household, and my parents were always hard-working folk. For a gal who seemed born with a messed up immune system, chronic illness and fatigue, this seemed extra daunting. But I always endeavored to dig deep down and find every ounce of my strength and energy for anything I worked at, (and part of my self-care has been trying to get to the bottom of my health issues, so I can be stronger and better with each passing year.)  All of this, wanting to be good, be strong, NOT be seen as lazy, played into my perfectionism. I exhausted myself trying to live up to the expectations of others. But isn’t this just being human? Perhaps.

One day I woke up and I was in my fifties and it would be easy to give up, to think my best days are behind me, that things will never change for me, blah blah blah. I dedicated the entire year of 2019 to chasing my health HARD and fast. I made some strides and in every arena.  I’ve worked on my spirit, on digging out hard truths about me and for me. I’ve sought out healing in many areas. Found some latent diseases (like EBV and auto-immune issues) that were affecting me in negative ways. I have learned and I’m still learning what role DNA plays in who we are, and also, and surprisingly, how trauma and all that stuff that happens to us throughout our lives, can and does absolutely affect our physical health as well as our mental and emotional well-being.

It’s been quite a journey. And just when I began to feel really good, to have more energy, to feel a bit “on top” again, along came Covid-19. Isn’t that just the way life is? Always a fight, a war of some sort.

And so, now, here I am. Thinking about Legacy. Thinking about the garden I’m planting that I will never see. It’s daunting, to say the least.

I’m now at a place where I am having to yank myself up and out (of myself) a bit, and try to re-enter the world, which is made incredibly more difficult during a global pandemic, a time of isolation. I find myself getting lost in fiction worlds, books, TV binges… there’s not much else.

But who or what am I now? I guess that’s the 64-thousand dollar question. I always thought I’d be absolutely and utterly content to completely retire and do nothing, Turns out, I’m not great at it.

I have my routines, I have my writing (and trying to figure out which way I want to go in the future with that), I blog, I write poetry. I started a new novel back before the Outbreak, and haven’t touched it since. Will I get back to it?? I think I want to do another poetry collection as poetry and blogs seem to be what I write the most these days.

I have my art journaling lessons, my acrylic painting on canvas (which I have not done a ton of in recent months). And I do a ton of drawing. I came to art later in life so I put a LOT of hours in, just practicing. I’m filling notebook after notebook with sketches and journal entries. Wearing down pencil after pencil.

I felt an odd kinship with Alexander Hamilton (the play) in that he was an avid, almost obsessive writer. He was very intense in his passions and his opinions. I related to that… a lot. He wanted to leave a legacy. He wanted to make his life matter. In the end, his story ended up being a story of a REAL and quite fallible human. 

That got me thinking about how we are all so imperfect. So flawed. But we keep going. 

King David from the Bible, hell, every man who has ever been held up as great, they’ve all had that in common… humanity. Flawed. Imperfect.  And I’ve come to believe that it is just life. Striving for perfectionism is nothing but vanity. Do we seek to prove that WE might be the ONE who actually gets it right? It is to laugh.

Anyway, a really good writer would wrap this all up with a profound red bow, something that ties it all together and delivers a PUNCH of truth.

But all I’ve got is this.

Human. We are human. We are growing and evolving and struggling and trying and failing, and profoundly human.

And I will continue my fight while trying to be perhaps a bit more aware of the seeds I’m sowing today. I will speak my truth to encourage others to do the same. I will love and forgive to encourage others to do the same. And I will do what I do, until I can do it no more.

That’s all I can do.

Peace Out, my friends. 

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Daily Blog Mon June 8 Coming Into the Light

Think I’ll make this another edition of “Things I’ve Learned” as well.

*There are no 2 people that are ever going to agree on everything and despite what social media tries to teach us, it’s okay.

*I seem to be drawn to good people, genuine people with awesome hearts (even when we don’t agree on every single thing on Earth.) I click with people or not. I value vulnerability, a recognition that none of us get out of this life with no scars. None of us are perfect and who gets to define “perfect” anyway? (Probably no-one.)

*Though I’ve been victimized in the past, that doesn’t make me a victim. I’m a survivor. Over the last twelve or fifteen years, I’ve been working on myself a ton, (some therapy, lots of just plain old hard work getting it together and processing old stuff and figuring out who I am now.) I feel like I was stuck in a certain area of growth for many, many years and it required me to push through some things, un-bury, feel, and push through.

To the outsider I know this has looked a bit odd, and some who genuinely care about me haven’t known what was up. I finally feel like I’m coming out of a tunnel, stepping into the light. And if I can feel good about that or anything at this moment in time with all that the world is going through, it must be real.

*Remember back in the pre-internet days when we could meet someone and like them and NOT argue about everything all the time? Let’s ponder. That was friendship.

*For many, maybe most years of my life, I bent over backwards to fit in, burying my own thoughts, feelings, and opinions. Tried to always be NICE. Easy to get along with, never make trouble. I’ve let others think and speak for me for waaayyy tooo long. I don’t do that anymore. (Still pretty nice unless ya push me.) I have boundaries, oh and thoughts and opinions. They may not line up with yours.

Because I felt censored most of my life, told what to believe and what to say, I don’t take kindly to it nowadays. That means you’re probably always gonna know what I think. I described it to a friend once as “feeling like someone has always been trying to put a hand over my mouth… forever.” I’m the only one who gets to censor me now.

*One truth for me is that I believe with all of my heart that women should be treated equally with men in rights and respect. Same pay, listened to the same as men, have the same opportunities as men. Women have been treated as objects for far too long and they’ve often had better hearts, more compassion, and at times have more intelligence and qualifications than their male peers or bosses. Not always, sometimes. It needs to stop. Good men need to start standing up for good women. Standing up against their peers who would make perverted jokes about women, mistreat them, or abuse them.

Until good men stand with us, things will never change. Stop worrying about being a “bro” and start being a decent human being. As a popular comedian Hannah Gadsby once said, “Men, Pull your socks up!”

(I know some of these good men and I’m ever-so thankful for them and we need so many more.) Of course the same is true for any or every minority. Good people have got to start standing up for every minority, stand in front of them when necessary. Only then will things change. Now is not the time to stay silent in the face of hatred, bigotry, prejudice, or misogyny.

There was a sign in my kid’s bedroom while they were growing up, it said, “Stand up for what is right, even if you stand alone.” I still believe this. (And I’m proud of my kids, and I believe they have lived this out.) Character. Integrity. It matters.

Come on out into the light. It’s warm here. The sun is shining.

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Today’s quick thoughts

I’m not sure what it is or how it will manifest but something good happened today, something in my heart and soul. There was an almost audible “click,” the kind of thing that happens when the gray cells are getting stimulated, when some new bit of wisdom is busy making a home inside me somewhere… a kind of knowing. Wisdom. I think that was its name.

I can’t wait to see how it changes me.

Something is new and different. Something from above, a gift from the universe or the heavens. A new measure of strength? It’s amazing what can happen when you open your heart, mind, and soul to growth and change.

I know so many people, and I used to be one, that think there is this finite group of knowledge and they found it by age 40 and then they shut down and refuse to change, to see anything new. I don’t want to be that.

I won’t be, not ever, ever again.

The only person I will ever, ever change–is me.

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Blog June 5, 2020 from the Virtual Blanket-Fort

I say “Ow!” when I’m poked. I sometimes lash out when I feel uncomfortable or attacked. I admit it. It’d be hard NOT to be uncomfortable this year, this month, with all that is going on. And growth is painful as a bitch.

This difficult time is definitely making me take stock, re-affirm the things I know to be true and stretch myself way beyond what is comfortable.

When hurt I do tend to retreat to a safe fall-back bunker, a virtual blanket fort of comfort and self-soothing. I’ve been camped there for about three days, trying to heal enough to poke my head back out. (Especially on social media.)

Sigh.

I find myself afraid to speak in such sensitive times. I definitely do feel like everything I say is picked apart.

I’m not a perfect person, I’m a recovering perfectionist, which, in case you have any confusion, is not a really good thing to be. It’s got the word “perfect” stuck right in there, but it is so far from being the reality.

I was looking back at some thoughts I had a few years ago and was able to say that I’ve definitely grown in some areas, but I have a long way to go. I’m not a person who does “politically-correct” very well, I don’t like to be censored. But even more than that, I don’t want to hurt people who are already hurting. But all I know is how to be myself and speak the way I speak and if I inadvertently hurt someone, try to apologize and pick up the pieces the best I can.

My religion is this: LOVE.

My fallback position is this: LOVE

My answer to most of life’s ills is this: LOVE

I don’t pretend to know how to walk out the answers to the world’s troubles, and I don’t believe in pat answers anyway. But more love, more education, hearts and minds that are opened and willing to learn and grow, this is a key for me. If it isn’t key in your life, we’re probably going to butt heads… a lot.

If you think you’ve got it all figured out, we aren’t gonna mesh well. Heaven knows I struggle with my own self daily to strike a balance between confidence and being a know-it-all. I don’t know it all but also, I’ve learned a very tough lesson about adopting the views of other’s blindly and I don’t do that anymore. And yes, I’m prickly about it. But I’m not likely to join a cult, either. I’m not much of a joiner at all these days.

As I DO feel I’m walking on eggshells, I’ll just say this. I’ve been wrong in the past, and I know I still have things to learn, especially about racism. Also I hate being judged by those who don’t know me. I’m prickly about that, too. (I have a lot of my own issues based on my own experiences, as you have yours.) Rest assured, I’m continually working on me. But I cannot and will not blindly adopt the belief systems of others, (especially when their answer is for me to just be more like them.) For me to know something and know it well, deep down, I have to examine it closely for myself. I’ve grown sick of people telling me what to say or who to be. Sick and tired. A prickly point for me? Yes, indeed.

Also, sick of all the hate, bigotry, misogyny, and racism in the world. If you’re trying to fight that, we are more on the same side than you know.

You do you and I’ll stay in my cozy fort continually working on who ME is. I’ll keep growing and keep learning. I’ll keep doing me the best way I know how to, on any given day. My virtual blanket-fort can be a lonely place at times, but sometimes that’s the point.

And sometimes I invite special folks in for a visit. Special in their love and compassion, usually. (I have little patience for criticism or judgment.)

For those fighting the good fight in big ways and small, for working on yourself, too, no matter how uncomfortable, I salute you.

(Comes out from blanket-fort long enough for fist bumps and coffee mug clinks.)

Peace Out

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On Being a Renaissance Woman aka Deep Space Mine

I’m rather a Renaissance woman. I’ve done a lot of different jobs over my lifetime. I’ll name a few here.

Retail cashier, fast food, waitress, (food and cocktail), imprinted trophies, answered phones, worked in communications at a fancy resort/hotel, switchboard operator, administrative assistant, executive assistant, file clerk, hotel front desk clerk, file storage organizer (data management), assistant manager and manager of coffee shop, researched buying my own coffee shop, writer of fiction novels and poetry, volunteer at a food pantry, volunteer at a church, on staff at a church administratively, assistant director of a swim/tennis facility (owned by the church I worked for), owner and partner in an independent publishing company, editor, proof-reader, mentor, teacher at a private school. And of course being a mother to three children. (Writing has been in my life forever.)

*Breathes deep and tries to remember if there are more.

In the last couple of years I’ve gotten heavily into painting and drawing, art journaling, etc.

Having done so many kinds of work, I’ve come across a lot of things I like or love doing and a lot of things I really do not.

I’m most definitely a creative person, and highly organized. Bringing order to chaos has always felt like a deep underlying theme for me. I like to do that on the small scale (organizing drawers and closets and files) and on a large scale, (trying to bring about peace in the world at large and the world around me.) I’m a peacemaker. I’m pretty good at sitting down between two warring parties and helping them settle their differences. It all flows along the same lines.

I love decorating homes/rooms. I have a great sense of rhythm, I love music with a passion,  and I have a great sense of color.

It’s kind of helpful writing these things out.

I’ve had people say to me that they aren’t good at anything, or they aren’t good at anything creative. I never believe them. I think anyone can be good at most anything if they really try and sometimes people simply have not yet figured out what they’re good at. Some go to their graves never figuring it out. I daresay a lot of people did a hundred years ago.

These days more people have more of an ability to have hobbies or have the time to do creative things or things that simply make them happy, or at least some do. The Industrial Age brought about machinery and equipment that made human’s daily chores so much easier. And now, computers and technology are daily changing the way we work, live and play. There are still farmers and people who do hard physical labor from dawn to dusk, but nine-to-five has become a bit more the norm.

I encourage you, if you haven’t yet, to spend some time figuring out what you dearly love doing and what you despise, and finding at least one creative thing to do, either through work or as a hobby. Creativity really does work from an entirely different part of the brain, and we don’t want to go through life using the bare minimum of our brains. (Studies suggest all of mankind uses a tiny fraction of our brain’s capabilities, even the smartest among us.) I will continue to stretch the areas of my brain that I use, and make more wrinkles up there, stimulate more little grey cells.

I have to believe it is part of the reason we’re here, to keep learning and growing. Our hearts ought to be continually stretched as well.

To begin to discover your deepest talents and the things you might love putting your hands to, make a list similar to the one I did above. Write out all the jobs you have had, whether it’s one or many. Take note of what things you enjoy and which things simply add stress. If you’ve only ever had one job, make a list of pros and cons, what you love or loved about it and what you did not enjoy. This can be a helpful exercise in discovering a direction.

I think at times like these (when we are faced with our own mortality) it can be a time of awakening in many areas. Some will decide they aren’t happy with their lives and begin to make changes. We do, after all, only have One Life to LIve as the soap opera said.

If you need any help discovering things about yourself, as I said, I’m highly organized and may be able to help. Leave your email address with me and I’ll get in contact.

A Renaissance Woman (or man) will always have a broader view of life, we’ve lived in a lot of different environments and experienced a lot of perspectives. We’ve been through some shit and learned a lot from it. We tend to be more open-minded and ready for growth and change.

I’ve used the term “old-soul” before in discussions with some people I’ve met. Some seem to have an older, wiser soul than their mere years can account for.

Be open to change. The hard kind, like this virus and the lockdown will always suck, but being open to positive change is a very, very good thing. And at times in history, a time of crisis will precede a time of positive growth and change.

Coming at you from my deep space in isolation–

Have a mind-stretching day my friends.

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Genie in a Bottle

When I say Genie in a Bottle, I know some will begin to sing that song by Christina Aguilera. That’s not where I’m going with this. (Philosophy post)

A big life change or some big paradigm shift is like a genie coming out of a bottle. The old way of thinking is gone and a new way presents itself and there is no way to go backwards. You cannot put the genie back in the bottle and pretend you now don’t know what you know that you know. One cannot unsee what one has seen or what has been revealed.

(If you don’t know the terms “epiphany” or “paradigm shift” I invite you to look them up.)

I am beginning to realize that everyone will have their own epiphanies at different times (if they are open to them) and they will never be caused by just one thing, one book read, or one quote discovered or one fact discovered. They come after nights on your knees crying out to the wilderness, God, the Universe, anyone who will listen. They come through pain and wrestling out, they come with the honest desire for wisdom and knowledge. (Don’t ever pray for such things unless you are ready for them to come, because they will turn your life upside down.)

The truth is, all truth cannot be contained in 2,000 words or 2,000 books. The Universe is reeking with truths, waiting to be discovered. This is exciting to me. I have such a desire to learn now that I’m sometimes obsessive about it. I want to know all the things about all the things. But I don’t want to adopt someone else’s faith path or worldview, this one is my path and my view ahead. I’m a seeker and always will be one. There is no going “backwards” along that path. There is no turning back. I may spiral or squiggly all over the place, but I do not turn around and go backwards.

I also am discovering that – if I am around the corner of a building, I may see something you do not (and the reverse is true). Perspective really is hugely important. It’s like I’m looking at a Picasso hanging on the wall and you may be in a garden revelling amongst the flowers. Both things are acceptable and wonderful. But we are not seeing the same things at the same time. I’m learning that this is okay.

In order for humanity to heal, we have got to begin to allow each other to blaze our own trails of discovery. To applaud one another, no matter what it is they may be discovering today.

We can no longer separate ourselves into boxes and limit our contact with the new and different. Be brave and mature enough to blaze your own trail. Seek. Learn. Others won’t get it and that’s okay. Do it anyway, You won’t regret it.

Dare to turn a new corner, go through an alleyway and come out on another street you didn’t know was there all along. This is the very heart of adventure. And life is nothing if not an adventure.

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More Rants & Rambles

Just a thought.

I was thinking about perspective. I once saw the world through a hole the size of a marble, like a peephole in a door. Many years and experiences later I see it through a hole the size of a globe. I’m glad that I do, but the struggle I have is being around those who seem to still look through a peephole. I don’t know why it bugs me so bad, and why I can’t let it be. This is my struggle. To find peace and acceptance with people of other perspectives, especially when I see their perspective as tiny and narrow. Oh so limited. I want to drag them to my door and show them my view, for it is full of light, life and love. But I cannot.

I cannot.

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My Thoughts Today June 21, 2019

Had a great idea today, got it from watching NCIS. I’m thinking of doing a Dead President’s Journal. Let me explain:

It’s not really anything to do with whichever dead president you choose to write to, it’s about writing a letter to someone who will never get it, never read it, in fact you’ll never send it anywhere. It’s your journal, your diary. Sort of like having a dead Pen Pal. Writing TO someone appeals to me. I feel like I might write differently. Yet this person I can really dump on and they won’t mind. Yeah, I think I’m gonna do this.

My nails are too long and it’s making it hard to type. Time to trim.

I am sooo enjoying my art journaling class and love my teacher (and the guest teachers, too). I feel like it’s taking me to the next level in my art journey and this thrills me to no end. I may be finding my own style, my own groove, and damn, that’s a happy place.

I’ve been taking an all-natural immune system booster thingy that seems to be working well for me. I finally think I see a light at the end of the tunnel and may be getting my health back. I have no idea what to do with all the energy I will have if this continues to work well (see all my rants about having sinus infections and a cough for 17 months straight and the docs, 5 of them, saying, “We can’t give you any more steroids and antibiotics for this,” and I’m like Oh Crap), like, I actually convinced hubs to move out of state to see if it would fix my health and it is a bit better with that alone, but mostly I was still struggling, so this health thing is HUGE for me, I cannot even tell you. I may finally be able to take over the world… or at least handle my own.

As for deep spiritual and philosophical stuff, I can only say I continue on my journey, and find more truths daily. The thing I have also found is that, if you have an epiphany or find some nugget of truth, it doesn’t pay to try to share that with anyone who simply cannot be there at the same time with you. Some things really are best unsaid, unless or until you find the gems in your life who get it and can genuinely hear what you’re saying and even kinda understand it. Or, even if they don’t get IT, they kinda get You, and that alone is truly special. Love my gold nuggets, my fam and friends. My art and literary tribes have become super special to me. Artsy people tend to be a different sort; quirky, swirly, different, weird, twirly, crunchy, and wonderful. They are my truest peeps.

I see God weekly at the beach. Sitting and watching the pale whitish crabs pop up outta the sand and toss aside the dirt they just dug out, then look at me and blink their odd little eyes (that sit atop sticks outta their heads) entertains and thrills me like mad. The pelicans that live and play in our area are also quite entertaining. I love how they fly in formation, and if one falls behind, they will come back for him. I really love when they fly super high, then dive straight down into the water to catch a fish.

There are so may lessons in nature, and they don’t involve pulpits or country clubs. The crabs, the pelicans, they just live their lives. They ARE who they are, they just BE. They do what they were made to do.

(MS Word keeps telling me I ought not say “outta” and such things, but hey, this isn’t for a book, it’s just between us friends, so I’m gonna take off my “editor” cap and let it flow.)

Maybe the biggest/bestest thing I’ve learned in the past decade, is that I do not have to care a whit about what others think of me. I can just BE. Be me, just like the crabs and pelicans. Ya think the pelicans go up to the crabs and ask why they behave the way they do? I think not. Live and let live. You be you and I’ll be me. So liberating, so powerful. And to think I used to think it was some duty of mine to go out and change everyone else so that I might understand them better. It is to laugh.

So much of who and what we are is handed down to us, it’s learned behavior, tradition, family patterns, whatever. It’s so powerful to finally look at all of that objectively, to choose what fits me and discard the rest. Forty, or even ten years ago, I could never have imagined being able to do such a thing.

And so, I come back to this… I am good. That means I am well and happy. I have moments of pure joy, times of sadness or despair, aggravation, even depression at times, but all in all, it is truly well with my soul. Because I finally found ME. I now know who I am. And I love me. And that’s pretty all right.

 

 

 

 

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Battle Weary but Bad-Ass

I feel like I’m fighting so many battles. I guess I’ll become a real bad-ass or I’ll die, and sometimes I wonder which! No, that isn’t depression talking, just pure old-fashioned frustration.
I’m not going to post about the immune booster anymore, just because I think I’m going to be on it long-term and don’t want to keep posting every day. Meanwhile if anyone wants to be added to a discussion group about it let me know, and I will post how I’m feeling occasionally as well.
I’m tired. In every way possible. Gonna need to rest/nap today.
Ya know I grew up not learning anything at all about how to confront. I didn’t know how to set boundaries. I had and have a deeeeeep inner world but half the people I went to school with probably don’t even remember me. That was intentional, somewhat.
Being an empath and very sensitive, It didn’t take much bullying or stupid mess coming my way before I would take that into me, take it personally. I didn’t realize back then that when people lash out and hurt you for no reason other than to make you feel small and pump up themselves, it is their issue and not mine. They were the broken ones, but I felt like I was.
If I could go back there’d be some people getting throat-punched, I’m not gonna lie.
But I’m a big-girl now. I’ve worked so hard for every inch, every ounce of growth, and every step of the way has been a battle, every damned step. I finally know who and what I am. I know my worth. I have boundaries, very firm ones in place. I now know that if someone comes along and takes a dump on my day for no reason, that it is their fault not mine. (Especially completely unprovoked.)
I can’t help but feel that twinge, when it happens, that knee-jerk reaction of hurt. Not sure how human I’d be if I didn’t. Now I know things in my head, –and my heart?  Well, it’s learning, it’s catching up. When someone blasts me it is easier for me to get past that hurt and see the reality of the situation, see what’s really happening. Boundaries and shields up. I’m becoming that bad-ass.
It’s a sad truth that we must gird ourselves, that we have to learn how to brace for the next incoming blow. But I think it’s tied to why we are here. Somehow growing and getting stronger is what we’re meant to do.
I’ve never been a physical bad-ass. But inside I’m becoming Wonder Woman. I wish I had her cool toys, though.
Peace.