Blog Post: December 18, 2020
I’ve so much going on inside that it has made me almost entirely immobilized. Distracted, weepy, and needing desperately to write and word vomit it all out, to process.
Sigh.
This sucky bad no-good year. The virus and all that that entails, the extreme polarization in our world and our country. People pitted against each other, vitriol and hatred, bigotry, hate. Since I “zoomed out” or became more awake and aware of the world around me, (not sure how to refer to it) it’s been rough. I feel a lot like a small protected toddler who has been coddled and sheltered, opening her door and seeing nothing but hate, strife, war, blood, disease, death. I’ve begun to see the world for what it is, not just through a narrow, limited lens. I suppose this is a kind of awakening.
I cannot but miss the feeling of comfort and shelter I used to feel, even while at the same time, understanding how false it really always was. Though I know there is no going back (the world or me, myself) I do find myself looking for comfort, for peace. For that feeling that “all is right with the world” and I don’t have a ton of hope of things getting back to that. I suppose this is what one could call my “new normal”.
I don’t think I could even call it depression, but that would be an easy label to throw on it.
My father is not doing well. I’ve been processing a lot of old emotions and feelings from my childhood. Digging up bones. Processing old wounds. Feeling profound sadness and nostalgia and melancholy. This on top of everything else, well… it’s a lot.
But also, there are small good things. I can feel myself beginning to heal in some areas, and maybe just plain hardening and putting up walls, boundaries and defenses in other ways. Metaphorical scabs forming. Whatever it takes, I guess.
In the end, we are all human, we all find our ways to cope and get by. Writing and art journaling are my saving graces. If I didn’t have some way of getting things out, I’d surely go mad.
Going to get to see family at Christmas and we have all been isolating and being even more super careful than normal in preparation for it, but I need it. We will just walk the beach and chat and will avoid public places. I’ve always been a person that values quality of life, not just quantity, so, though it increases our risk a little bit, we have each determined it is a risk we are willing to take. After Christmas, I will be right back to locking myself down except for that which is necessary, (doc visits and the like.)
In the end (by this time in our pandemic) I have gotten back around to my first feelings on it… If and when I die, I will die. Not so worried about myself but don’t ever want to feel responsible for anyone else dying. Going to be careful and going to do what I need to do. Keep living.
Each month when I look over the calendar, I look at appointments or things coming up and say, “I just have to live through that.” Next thing that comes up, “Okay, just gotta live through that.” One day at a time, one outing at a time. And I do feel like (because of my isolated lifestyle especially), I am relatively low-risk.
My health issues are concerning, and may make me feel like a higher risk person, but over-all, I feel good about my chances of making it through the pandemic. I think sometimes it’s more about just getting through each day and its emotional and mental challenges, not getting too bored, or feeling too isolated, or too wigged out or full of anxiety. It’s hard for me to think beyond next week, beyond Christmas. I take one day at a time and that’s the only way I get by.
In times of stress and trouble in the past, I would always say to myself, “This too shall pass,” and remind myself that things can and will be good again. I try to tell myself that now, but I’m not saying it with a lot of conviction. I think there will be good times again, but I remain worried for the world at large. I think we humans have a lot coming up in our future. I hope to hell we’re ready for it.
But I am damned glad to say good-bye to this year. Maybe, just maybe, 2021 will prove to be better.
Cheers. Happy Christmas. Merry Holidays… I hope you get through, too.
Peace Out