Tag: friendship

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Vulnerability, ugh.

Today I felt compelled to write a thing to a person, and I didn’t regret doing it, but always wonder where it will land and how it will be received. Trying to be real and vulnerable and just throw out there-who you are and how you feel-it really doesn’t get easier. I guess it’s easiest when I don’t think at all about how it will be perceived, but it’s hard for me to be that way, not when I care. But I have always, probably, needed to care a little less. (Especially about what others think.)

Strangers that I have zero connection to?? No problem, don’t give the smallest of fucks. But people I care about? It’s a bit harder. This is one of the larger issues of my life when it comes to communication and relationship. I WANT to just be real and me, and I also want people to always “get” what I’m saying, and that really just isn’t even realistic. I don’t like everyone, so why would I want or expect that everyone (even those I like) would like me back–all out there, just as I am.

Life. What a concept. Beam me up, Scottie.

But I guess for now, it beats the alternative. (Unless or until I really CAN be beamed up to another planet.) But gonna try and not think about it, and go on, back to the business of being me. Managing my life, the best I can.

Peace, peeps!

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Today’s Journal Log

I know I do this blogging thing in waves, but here I am again. I might do one every day for a while then stop for months at a time. Just life happening.

The truth is that writing is hugely therapeutic to me, whether it is in a blog, email, letter, journal, or whatever. I feel like I still need to be in therapy but I’m just not willing to pay what it costs. So meanwhile, writing. It often does the trick.

A loved one is in recovery from a fall, and I think she is probably going to be okay this time, but it shook me. I’ve always felt that even the prospect of having to think of someone you love being mortal, of them Ending, is horrific. From the time I was a small child I’ve thought “What a cruel sickening joke” to make humans that love each other and then make them watch one another suffer and die. It’s F’ed up, man. It truly is. Is it an experiment to see how much pain we can handle on planet Earth? I’ll sign a waiver fully stating that I cannot handle it. Period. Done. Don’t even try me. Can I opt out??

Too sensitive for this world. That’s what they say.

And now that I’ve been Debbie Downer… Most days I am coping with life and all that entails. I just have to shut off my overactive mind and put one foot in front of the other. What do I need to do today?? It helps. There’s something to the ol’ One Day at a Time thing. Sweet Jesus. That’s all I’m asking. Just get through today.

I know I have lost some friends, or pushed them away, because in order to survive day to day, I have to stay focused.  I’m called selfish, narcissistic, whatever, but I have to take care of my psyche first or it all falls apart. And I literally do not have the time and energy to put myself around people that I totally disagree with on some major issues and hear that all day every day. Honestly, I can’t take anyone or anything all day every day. My hubs is my best friend in the universe and I need an hour or two away from him occasionally. And he truly is the best human ever, certainly one of them. But with him, I’ve known since Day One that he loved me for me and he doesn’t judge me. That’s so huge. A safe place, that’s what he is.

Anyhoot, I do have a handful of good friends and they know not to expect a call or text from me every day. They know ME and have stuck around, and I am so thankful for that.

Laptop dying, gonna go plug it in. Til next time peeps-

Peace Out

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Melancholy Day

Daily blog. Nearing the middle of May and our lockdown that was initially going to be for 14 days is now around, what, forty-something? And no answers in sight, only a lot of supposition, misinformation, and scrambling… by and large anyway.

Watching so much TV. But everything I do is from home and has been for some time and I’ve put the TV on for company for years, but still… even more. Distraction. But it’s shows, not news.

It’s true what I’ve read about how we tend to go along relatively well for a few days and then have a bad day or two. Up days and down days. A real-life roller coaster.

I do my best when I just focus on the day-to-day, Laundry. Dishes. Grocery lists. Making lists of things that need doing or that I want to do. Being creative helps so much. Exercise helps. Sunshine helps. And what keeps me the most calm is refusing to listen to the muck and junk going on out there. I listen to the news only once or twice a week from our local channel, occasionally watching when our Mayor is on TV. There’s an absolute Ocean of Crazy out there and I don’t intend to drown in it.

Stress is real and it is a killer.

So grateful for my husband (that I’m not entirely alone, as some are). I’m beginning to understand why people do the things they do a bit better, the utter madness, the things we grasp at… the ways we cope. And I can be a judgy asshole, I freely admit it. This is teaching me how NOT to be one, not quite so much. Being stretched in that direction, anyway.

I may never truly understand the perspective of some others but must then also accept that they may never get mine, either. Trying to have love and compassion as my fall-back position. It’s not always easy. Maybe especially for someone like me.

Also grateful that I have a nice home and some outdoor space where I can still be a good distance from others. Grateful that as many, many others have to continue to go out into the world to work, I am able to stay home. I know many have lost their incomes entirely. It could happen to any of us at any time.

Talking to a good friend and neighbor yesterday was good for me (and her, I think). To hear another human’s voice besides mine and my husband’s. And I get to speak with or Skype with family occasionally. 

I’ve come to realize that I’ve been working so hard on myself, to get myself together, figure out exactly who I am and what I can and do believe, that I’ve utterly isolated myself from most other people and I was doing this long before lockdown. Perhaps for years. It’s a trap we introverts can easily fall into.

I’m going to endeavor, especially once we can get out and around again safely, to socialize more, be more open to friendship and to allow people to be who they are. I think I’m ready. I’m ready to be around those very different from myself and still be able to love and embrace them. At least I think I am. I think I will be by the time we are “released” from this nightmare. Realizing that I will still be “too much” or “too different” for some. (Always have been, always will be. I’ve accepted it.) But for me… I WILL be open to more. (And it will be an act of pure WILL.)

Facing yet another day in isolation and here in solidarity with the rest of you also doing so…

Peace Out

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4 29 20 Brain-dump blog on Boundaries, Friendship, and Sugar

Hello world (if there’s anybody out there listening.) Pammy again. As usual, lots on my mind and heart.

Today I feel about 90 percent recovered from whatever virus my body just fought, be it Covid-19 or whatever. That’s good. I have had some stress-related stuff happening (like heartburn, indigestion, etc) and my oh-so-helpful hubby said, “whatever could be happening these days that could be stressing you out?” Lol! He hit the nail on the head. (Sarcasm, it is rampant in our family.)

Just wanted to jot down some thoughts and opinions, as usual. Brain dump, word vomit.

I am in a not-so-peopley mood today. I don’t have the desire or the mental or emotional energy to dive in and engage with people, and though others have “advised” me to take it easy and protect my empathic self (& I’m speaking of the others that I would even begin to listen to-those who care about me) I never listen. That’s my jam. I have to learn every single thing on my own, and come to any knowledge on my own. I think that comes from a combination of being fiercely, stubbornly independent and having a past where I listened to other people only to have them lead me down their own path and not my own. So I am stubborn. I am 56 years old and a grown-ass woman and I listen to my wisdom, my knowledge, my spirit and intuition and my body, above all else. (And, if you’ll permit me to say, the Universe… in a sense.) I believe some of gut and intuition is defined as “God” or “Spirit” or “conscience.”

My body has confirmed what some loved ones have said. I kinda hate when that happens.

So I’m taking it easy this whole week, continuing to recover. I did something today I rarely do… I baked. I don’t bake. Baked goods in my home are like throwing crack in front of an ex-addict. Not that I was ever obese but like most people, I used to love baked sugary things with a passion. Due to years of trying to get my health in order and protect my body/temple from nasty bad stuff, I learned not to bake, not to eat sugar, (or very rarely) and to never ever bake or bring baked goods into my home. (On occasion they appear at parties, etc.), but after years of training myself, I mostly resist and have for some time.

I use Stevia to sweeten everything or it combined with a bit of coconut sugar or unbleached sugar (if I’m really riding the edge, but rarely). I have called sugar “the white devil” for many years, and I do believe it kills us, either slowly or quickly. It feeds obesity, high blood pressure, heart problems, diabetes and cancers.

Most people can tolerate some in moderation but I’ve never been quite normal. I have odd sensitivity and allergic reactions to all sorts of things so my diet has evolved into something most would find to be kind of extreme. I DO get a little in the form of carbs from my protein bars, in oatmeal or yogurt or a small amount in a spaghetti sauce or something of that nature. But empty white sugar is something hubs and I both avoid for our health.

All of that to explain how it is so odd and rare for me to bake. Last Christmas I made my own oatmeal-based cookie recipe, and I made some scones several months ago with high quality organic ingredients, almond and rice flour, etc., and froze them so I could take out and eat one every couple months or so. I loooove baked goods, they are a true comfort food for me, so in order to make life worth living, once in a rare blue moon, I will make something with high-quality ingredients. Today I used a Simple Mills baking blend and made a banana loaf. It was so soothing to my soul.

(Incoming whiplash from sudden subject change–)I’ve been thinking about how difficult relationships are these days. And how most people truly are followers. Not trying to say that in a “bashy” way, but just an observation. I think most people are usually so busy with the day in and day out responsibilities of life that they don’t take the time to think, mull, meditate, learn, grow. They don’t have or make the time. So in modern society it becomes so easy to quickly grasp your faith or belief systems off of a shelf like at a grocery store. “I’ll take that one. That sounds good and right.” They take it home and put it in its place and they rock it for the rest of forever. Same with worldviews and political affiliations. They never ever stop to ask the deeper questions or try to see another point of view. They’ve been taught that this is wrong or somehow unfaithful.

So not where I am.

Choosing to blaze a trail is a lonely proposition. Getting to a place where you know that you know that you can no longer follow the mainstream or go with the flow in good conscience, knowing that you must stand for your own thoughts, follow the beat of your own drum… it’s a solitary thing. And the trail you blaze may never ever be followed by another. And on top of that thought, is, the thought that it’s okay and everyone should have their very own.

But it is very lonely. Friendship is hard. Relationship is hard. Even in the middle of a community of like-minded people, such as a country club, organization, or church. Friendship is always hard. But when you don’t feel that you have any sense of a “tribe” or community, it can be, well, rough.

I’ve been going through trying to keep a very few old friendships alive and I am finding that one of the hardest things ever since I have totally changed myself and my worldview. People think I’m nuts or just plain disagree, and then they want to argue about it. I love to sit, one on one, and talk with anyone about anything, in a calm, respectful environment, but social media is not at all conducive to such things.

The small handful of girlfriends that I felt, at a time in the past, I connected deeply with, now feel they can’t relate to me in one way or another. As I said, friendship is hard and going your own way is hard.

Lately I have unfollowed some people and on rare occasions, blocked some, on social media, and that is absolutely about my mental health. I don’t hate. But feeling my ulcers return or my blood pressure rise or that vein in my head begin to throb… that’s something I’m going to shut down because I take care of me. Sometimes ya gotta let people go. It breaks my heart but we each must be allowed to be who we are and we deserve to be loved as we are.

Those precious few from my past, they know who they are (and may or may never read this blog) but if you choose to “hang” with me, know that I need you to accept me where I am, and there are certain things I will need you to avoid talking about because it is just too upsetting to me. Those that would choose to have me go backwards to the person I was must stay away. I am not, and I will not. Indeed, I cannot. 

So I have been looking for a new “tribe” of friends. (I put “tribe” in quotation marks because I had a whole discussion once with someone from another country and what the word means here in America as opposed to someone on the other side of the world.) I mean Group of Friends.

I am finding neighbors here in Florida that I dearly love but I always make it very clear from the get-go, who I am and what I believe. I am becoming close with one or two. My social media pages have always been a window to the world for me, and I have begun in the last couple years, to finally lose followers who vehemently disagree with who I am now and I’m finding those I better connect with all over the world. I love artists and writers, but it’s certainly not a requirement. I love deep, real people. Those who strive for vulnerability and honesty laced with love and compassion. I’m beginning to find some.

What a process it has been, and will be. If you stick around, I am so grateful, but I can no longer base my life on the approval of others. If we connect we do, if we don’t we don’t, go in peace.

But I will not surround myself with constant strife. This will not happen. Cuz, (what am I always banging on about?) Boundaries!!

Peace Out, world.

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Be Healthy, Behave

I saw an article yesterday (when I was looking outside of Facebook for news reports) about people out there who have made a living out of creating a website, getting advertisers to be on their site (this is how they get paid) and then they spend their full-time work days creating misinformation and putting it out there as real. Knowingly. It’s hard to believe we live in such a time, in such a world, where people benefit and live off of destroying other people. I won’t mention their names here, goodness knows I don’t want to promote one more person looking at this guy’s mess, but this dude took this woman and her family and totally decimated their lives by accusing them online of having started the coronavirus (Covid-19) outbreak. Even though the authorities and police have confirmed her innocence, it does not seem to matter and the police can do nothing. There are no laws for this.

He had hundreds of thousands of followers attacking these poor people. Their reputations are ruined. They don’t feel safe, can’t leave their homes (even after they CAN from isolating) for fear of being attacked.

I saw a story about a NC woman who is knowingly infected and she and her followers are taking to the streets to tell people they need their “freedom” and to get out there and protest for the opening of commerce now, and she is very militant about it. It’s real, people. This is the world we are living in.

Sigh. Good morning, friends. It is a stressful time to be alive. It’s enough to make me (I don’t know about you) crawl under the covers and hide.

I’m the kind of person who likes to take any action I can (even if it’s only taking to my keyboard) to try to bring about positive change in the world. But this…. This mess. People are so entrenched in their ways of thinking and refuse to be challenged. It’s unlike anything I have ever witnessed before. It feels like Mass Brainwashing and it scares me, I’m not gonna lie.

As for the aforementioned perpetrators, the ones making a living from defaming people, I’d be all for implementing laws about defamation, etc., that would cause these people, once they are identified, to be placed in shackles in the public square and let people walk by and throw tomatoes at them. Let’s bring that back. I bet it’d work.

My heart aches for this world. More than I ever thought I would live to see, people are forgetting about what’s important, latching on to some little thing and turning it into a full-blown cult-like agenda. I don’t understand. I never will. And don’t tell me people just need faith in God because a lot of the folks participating in some of the crazy behavior are self-proclaimed people of faith. I cannot express how sad this makes me.

People need love. They need real connection with real people. They need mental/emotional healthcare. This much is abundantly clear.

I’ve found that sitting with someone and having a coffee together and talking our thoughts through, even if we disagree, in an attitude of respect and humility, can work wonders. Before social media it’s what everyone did. That’s why people who disagreed with one another weren’t losing friendships over it back in the day, but now it’s just the thing to do, to blast people you disagree with and fight and yell and get ugly, and decide we can’t be friends.

I go a long way towards trying to discuss things calmly but when people start getting angry with me, calling me names, trying to publicly humiliate me, look out. Boundary walls are up and people are being shoved outside of them. I don’t put up with that. My peace and the energy I surround myself with, is very important to me. I will protect it and myself.

So, I am over here in my tiny little corner of my little world, plugging away at life and at trying to make sense of it all. Ultimately there is little I can do but try to encourage people to be kinder, to really look at broader views instead of a tiny narrow one. To base all they do out of love and compassion and empathy rather than furthering their political ideals and agendas.

The combination of social media (hiding oftentimes under Freedom of Speech) and politics is destroying it all, our peace, our friendships, our relationships, our sanity. I’m not playing anymore, people. I will not engage.

No-one, no matter how long I’ve known or loved them (family included) is going to be allowed to get me all riled up and upset and ruin my quality of life which is ever-so-precarious right now anyway. Boundary walls up and fully engaged, like a high-dollar alarm system.

If you feel the same or just like to follow me for whatever reason, (writing, art, poetry, friendship, whatever) then I hope you stick around. I hope you come back here and hang out and read my stuff. For those local, I hope one day we can meet and have coffee and discuss things with mutual respect and kindness.

Whatever you do, please take care of yourself and hold onto your sanity and your peace. Be healthy. Be kind. BEHAVE.

Peace Out.

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Pammy’s Blog/Ramble 1,254 April 23 20

Talk about having a lot of time to rant and ramble and navel gaze. Introspection has been my jam largely over the last 15 years and most especially the last four or five and now from the middle of a global pandemic. The following will be an amalgamation of my current thoughts, musings, and my overall health and well-being.

I’ve had lung mess off and on a lot, and was sick in the lungs and coughing for a full 2 years. Yes, literally. This 2 year time frame began to come to an end and I began to feel better around summer 2019. Since then my lungs had been amazing, super well, almost healthier than ever as I’d tightened down my already tight eating habits and had indeed dedicated my entire year 2019 to getting well and healthy. It had begun to work and I turned a corner.

Now, since February or so of this year, (when our allergy season begins here in Central Florida) I’ve had throat and lung mess off and on continually. I get super phlegmy, sometimes a sore throat, and then it will start to move into my lungs. Then it goes away and gets better. (I take some amazing immune support products and I know that I know that these have saved my life many times) but recently it just keeps coming and going repeatedly. I’ve not run a high fever and rarely a low grade one. May be related to EBV issues I’ve had, but whatever it is, it distresses me even more NOW because, of course, when you’re in the midst of a pandemic, every time you get sick you are faced with your own mortality and the possibility that this could be “it” and maybe I’ll die and maybe not and maybe I’ll get really, really sick and then get well, or maybe not.

That’s what I’m dealing with physically. Last 2 nights breathing a bit rough. No fever. Productive cough. Using inhaler.

On top of the physical, of course, I, like everyone, have been trying to deal with the mental, emotional, psychological distress, keep an eye on my spirit and soul and look after me.

Over the last several years, I’ve changed, a lot. I know that deep down I am more genuinely ME than I have ever been, but I have learned and am learning to have strong boundaries, and to say what I think and feel. I’ve done and am doing a lot of healing. I know that this looks like a hot mess to those around me, but I can’t care about that. I am getting really good at monitoring my emotional energy levels and protecting my empathic self. Protecting my soul, protecting me. It finally occurred to me after many years that I am the only one who truly can and should do this. I have to establish boundaries, I have to know and love me, and I don’t have to care what that looks like to anyone else.

I know that those few people that were a part of my life 20 years ago that still follow me in any way, are confused about who I am and what’s going on. Again, I can’t waste energy on that. I have a limited supply. For the most part I say and write things for my own “processing”. But if anyone who really knows, loves, and cares about me, maybe that small percentage of those who follow me that do–that follow me for more than pure entertainment value–will get something out of reading this junk I write. Ultimately, I do it for me, though.

I have been seeking my new “tribe” for a while now. I have to surround myself only with those who truly have my interest and my back, those that I truly connect with in some way NOW today, the person I am and am becoming. I have lost many friends, some who genuinely were friends and some that were acquaintances, but I have NEEDED to let them go and in some cases actually push them away. I am doing this for my own good and my own health.

I finally feel like I am beginning to find a new tribe. I have found that writers and artists, most especially those who are not overly religiously zealous, are making up a large part of it. But it is not mandatory that someone NOT be a religious person in order to be my friend, in fact, I have two particularly close friends that are still very into their Christian faith, but I find it harder and harder to relate to them or connect because that’s not where I’m at these days, and actually find a lot of “religiosity” and Christianeze to be highly annoying, (to be honest) but I always try to see a person’s heart and motivation. I understand the viewpoint of being deeply embedded in right-wing Christianity because I was there for many years of my life. 

But my life, my worldview, my belief systems have dramatically changed over fifteen or twenty years, and I fully understand that in a Christian perspective, this makes me lost, backslidden, and plain wrong. I do not believe that, not in any way or form. I am stronger, healthier (mentally and emotionally and spiritually) than I have ever been, regardless of how it looks to others. And no, I don’t need to explain it or justify it.

I am walking my own path and journey of growth, it’s nobody else’s. Don’t get it? Too bad. (Boundaries! Yay!)

I do not like to cut people out of my life but have done so and will continue to if I need to to protect myself from toxicity or even just to STOP feeling like people need me to stop and explain myself at every turn. I don’t need to.

I have a global worldview. I have friends that I chat with all over the world. Kind, loving, genuine people with large hearts and tons of love for others. When you open your heart to those that are different, you begin to grow and see things differently. I now know more about what I look for in a friend than I ever have. It’s not a common belief system or ideology always, but it is people who are real, vulnerable and genuine. I tend to have instant connections with such folk. It’s what I have always strived to be.

I thought it’d be fun to share some things about me, so you can know if we have points of connection or not, and if you want to move on, you can, or if I don’t connect with you, I can move on.

All the stuff I shared above (already revealed a lot about me)!

Also, I have been endeavoring to remove all masks and fakery from my life. I want you to see and know the real me. I’ve always strived for this but I’m getting better at it.

If you don’t know already, I’m a writer, poet, retired indie publisher and editor, philosopher of sorts, and very deep thinker. I’m a “wordy”. Only in recent years I’ve found a love for art, painting, art journaling and the like.

I love people. I also can’t tolerate being around many of them for very long. If I don’t connect on some sort of deep level, I move on.

I don’t like to lump people into “I hate this person, they’re the devil” kind of categories. That’s anger and hatred and I don’t need blind hatred in my life. I believe everyone (almost everyone) has some good in them and aren’t awful all the time. Me or you can be a jerk one day and do something wonderful the next. I do believe there is evil in the world but I think very few people are truly completely evil. (And many of them are sociopaths with psychological problems or brain malfunction, which doesn’t mean you shouldn’t stay away from them.) Noting of course that some people are so broken and damaged that they break and damage others.

So I’m drawn to people who are more sensible in this area.

I’m drawn to practicality, scientific fact, and a lack of deceit or true malice.

I’m very discerning and (usually) can spot a fraud a mile away. I remember even as a teen, laughing in people’s faces at some of the mess they would say to try to manipulate me. Not saying I cannot be manipulated but it would be harder with me than the average Jane.

I don’t have many friends because I don’t put up with crap. Period.

If I am your friend, like truly and deeply, I will become like an octopus on your face (hard to get rid of). Just joking, not at all stalkery but very loyal. I will defend you at every turn.

The opposite of stalkery, I will disappear for weeks or months at a time, but that’s because I am, at my heart, an introvert that enjoys my own company. (Except I’m getting sick of me during this pandemic.) I NEED downtime. I live largely in my head. The things I am most passionate about are the things I do alone, like write, paint, or draw.

If you are dishonest in the way of lying, cheating, stealing, stay far from me for both our sakes.

I will never intentionally hurt you (unless you draw first blood. Then look out.) I will defend my family like a fierce lion. (And sometimes my opinion.)

Okay, that’s enough about me. Tell me about you! (Something deep and real.)


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Family Tree

The people who are always there

Always care

Even amidst disagreement

The ones who really see you

This is true family

 

Family does not always consist of shared DNA

Blood type

Skin color

Nationality

Belief systems

 

Sometimes it’s a connection with someone

Halfway across the world

Someone you met and clicked with

Someone you GET and who GETS you

 

So thankful for my family

The real and the cobbled together

Souls cut from the same yard of cloth

In the quilt of life