Tag: expectations

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The Lesson I am in Now

It appears to me that all of life is about learning and growing; deeply learning and internalizing some very deep truths.

This month (or however long it takes to take root) seems to be about fully letting go of expectations I seem to continually put on others. I have to say if not for my hubs I don ‘t know how I’d make it in this life, because it has been about one unmet expectation after the other. I have got to stop setting myself up for hurt. Doing a lot of journaling about this right now. Also thought I’d post about it so I can look back to it later on down the road.

I expected, at one time, that all people would treat me with dignity and respect. Shattered.

I expected that once I learned to love myself all of my pain would stop. Shattered.

I expected to be allll better by now. Shattered.

I am much better than I was; I kinda see me working my way around a sculpture (that is me) spackling and shoring up the broken messed up parts, but then I turn it slightly and there is another thing to fix, and another, and another. When does it end? Does it?

I’ve been in a really great place for a long time. I got there by a lot of hard (exhausting) work. Part of being there was in learning how to live in the moment. I am trying hard to stay there. Just when I think I have put every past thing back into the past, something new happens, a new painful (fresh) memory that I have to pull apart and analyze.

I think there is a powerful key in something I learned in one of my classes, and that is in learning to see our painful emotions when they happen (Oh! There you are–pain that I set myself up for–I see you. I see the little arrow sticking out of my heart.)  Then we’re supposed to acknowledge it. Then set it aside and move past it. This is the part I am still struggling with.

I told myself that it is kind of like my love for baked goods (that I rarely actually let myself have). I see you scone, calling my name. The chocolate croissant, the fresh-baked bread. I acknowledge you are there in the bakery case. I hear you speaking to me. But I am choosing to nod at you and move on past.

I’m not sure which is harder, passing the tough emotions by or the baked goods, but either way, it sucks. Hard. But this is where I am at and what I am dealing with today, See it, nod at it, pass it by. Sounds simple, right?

My physical health and issues do not allow for me to eat baked goods. (I can get by with a few times a year.) My emotional growth goals do not allow for me to wallow in sadness at a perceived slight or arrow thrown at me. AND I must remind myself that often, it is my own expectations that people will behave in a certain way, or a way I wish they’d behave, (and I know better). At least I should.

There’s an Alanis Morrisette song that talks about “the ever-elusive kudo” (her song Thank You) and another line about one word someone says (or doesn’t say) leaves her devastated… the little shots and arrows that are sometimes real and sometimes all in our head. (She sings my life, seriously. Love her.)

Anyway, I’ll be going along fine then suddenly I’m hurt over the smallest thing. (I believe they call that being “butt-hurt” these days. Only it’s my heart, not my ass that is hurting.) THIS. This I must conquer. I feel like if I can fully conquer that every single time, I will be the king of the world.

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Unmet Expectations: The Root of All Evil

 

Thinking a lot about expectations today. I once expected that all of my needs in every area would be met by my parents. They’d keep me full (physically and emotionally) and make sure I had all that I needed. I had pretty good parents, (certainly as compared to some I’ve heard about). So by and large, those needs were met pretty well. Sure, I got mad or upset with them, but they did the best they could.

As a pre-teen and into my teens, I think I transferred those expectations to boys. If I met the right boy, it would make me feel wonderful and fulfilled and all would be well.

When I was a child, as well as when I got closer to adulthood, I began to seek out the meaning of life; to understand religion and all things philosophical, and for a long while felt fulfilled following religion. But there were times, I fell hard. I would realize that people in churches were also human and fallible. Religions were man-made and far from problem-free.

My expectation was that having faith would totally fulfill me and perfect my life. Logically, I always knew this wasn’t so, that nobody is perfect, and even faith itself is not perfect. But many, myself included, at times in my life, have found great pleasure and fulfillment in church communities, gathering with other people who were at least somewhat like-minded, looking to something above and beyond ourselves for answers. It was, in a measure, fulfilling. At least I could feel as though I was being and doing everything I was supposed to do and be. Or, I thought so at the time. There is something true and real in seeking out the un-understandable; at least for me, there has been. I used to think I had a handle on some things. My ducks were in a row, my boxes were secure and ticked.

My view of God and of spirituality is totally different now. If only I could relate this eloquently and in a manner others could understand, but I’ve tried, and I can’t. I’m letting it go, (the need for others to understand).

Spirituality is a lifelong process, I know that now. To grow in every area, you must be willing to change, to take what the Creator brings your way. I’ve had to learn to grow through things, not shut down. My faith looks nothing like it did twenty years ago, or even ten, and I’m convinced that’s by design.

I expected as an adult to have a long, healthy life; particularly once I began to figure out how to eat better, exercise and take care of myself. This is another expectation that isn’t necessarily reliable. Nobody knows how many days or years they have on this planet. At least nobody on this side of the divide.

I expected that 2 and 2 would always equal 4. That things were always black and white, that things would always make sense. I have now acknowledged the gray.

I never expected that I’d have auto-immune disease, or any of many other things I’ve dealt with and deal with daily.

I never expected to get old. This is a tough one, because everyone knows they will age, yet somehow, we’re never really ready for it when it comes. In my twenties and thirties, I probably would’ve said that being in my fifties felt like it was a million years away and unfathomable; yet here I am. A grandmother several times over.

Some expectations have been met, and some things are far better than even I imagined. I have an amazing life partner and husband, three beautiful and amazing grown kids. I have a truly wonderful life.

And I still feel myself setting up expectations in areas of my life that blow up in my face.

My husband isn’t responsible for my happiness or fulfillment. That was a big lesson to learn. I enjoyed the tear-jerking, earth-shattering, unbelievably blessed years and moments of raising kids, but ultimately, I can’t lay my happiness at their feet or at the feet of “family.”

I know some truly unique and loving people, friends. Can’t lay my expectations there, either. People often end up being (shock) very human in the end. I’m learning to let them be.

I’ve learned that happiness, joy, fulfillment, it only comes from the inside out. It isn’t about the outer, it’s about the inner.

And the journey led right back to me.

I now know I should keep my expectations right where they belong; in check. Right here at my feet, at my door. God and the universe does their thing and I do mine. Everyone else does theirs.

Ultimately, I have zero control over most things. I make decisions and deal with the consequences. And when life doesn’t go as planned, and expectations aren’t met, I come back to this; God and the universe does their thing and I do mine. Everyone else does theirs.

That’s just the way it goes. And that’s okay.

 

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On Growing

 

You wake up one day and realize it’s your first day of first grade and everything is new and exciting and you feel so big and bright and cute and special, because your mom told you so.

Next thing you know you’re in the third grade crying in the cloak room because somebody made fun of you. You don’t feel special, not at all.

Then you’re starting the tenth grade and you just know it will all be different this year, you’re coming into your own, you have friends, everything will be okay. And then of course it isn’t, it really isn’t. Your best friend betrays you. Boys tease you. Your body has changed so much you don’t recognize yourself anymore and all you feel is… awkward.

Then comes graduation day, that best day of all days when your whole life truly begins and everything will be great because you’re all grown up and make your own decisions. The world is your oyster.

But there is no pearl.

Living somewhere costs money and you don’t have any, and believe it or not, people don’t really love you coming over to visit and then just moving in. Things are expected of you. Responsibilities. You have to get a job. You have to eat.

So you meet someone and you marry because then, oh boy, then you will really have it all. Someone is going to take care of you and make you happy now.

And they do, until… until they don’t. And then it’s all just too much, you can’t take the fighting, and you finally leave, you get out, because then you’ll be free and happy at long last.

Except you aren’t.

And on and on it goes until one day you awake and look in the mirror and there you are, that little girl—eyes and heart all full of hope now gone—and in her place is an old person, staring back at you.

Your kids, they’re brilliant diamonds but they grew up.

They left.
You’re alone.
Again.
Unhappy.
Again.

And then one morning as you look into the mirror searching for the little girl inside, you see a spark. “There you are, you stupid girl. Why did you always expect so much of everyone and everything? And all along you were right there.”

“I just wanted love. I just wanted acceptance. I just wanted happy,” the little girl says.

And you say back to her, “The capacity for all of those things was right there inside of you the whole time.”

And you smile.
And you laugh.
And you find that you can choose it all for yourself.

So simple, yet not so easy.

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The Artsy Life-Love It or Leave It

I don’t know why the creative life is such a bi-polar one. Everyone I know that has ever made anything good with their creative gifts has also suffered mood swings from a super-confident high to some very low lows. But there are those of us who are blossoming, blooming, learning that our artistic life is not the beginning or the end of the world, it just… is. We’re learning to express freely, without hesitation, then let it go, stop standing there next to our work, hat in hand, waiting for the crumbs of acceptance or approval. If it lands with someone, it lands. If it misses, it misses. No matter.

If we’re blessed with the ability and the opportunity to make art (music, writing, sculpting, painting, whatever in the world it is that you do) we are blessed indeed. I, personally, am in the very midst of learning to let everything else go. I do it because it is in me and it is me (and in some cases if it doesn’t come out of me I will explode). It’s very freeing to realize that if your spouse or a friend doesn’t love your work, you’re not going to die. You’re going to be okay. If an art critic doesn’t like it, you’ll live.

The absolute most powerful lesson I am learning in my life right now is that there is freedom and joy in the letting go… letting go of expectations, letting go of criticism and opinions, letting go of all the negative voices, and just dancing in the utter joy of simply being.

I told someone the other day (when he brought up expectations) that they are indeed the source of all pain, and the longer I’ve tromped around on this planet the truer I have found this to be. I can pretty much look at every single instance of pain in my life and realize that any emotional pain I have gone through has been because I had some expectation of someone or something that did not pan out like I thought.

This is why I’m always saying (mostly to myself) Let it GO!!!!!!!!!!!

It’s a process.

Happy creating!!   🙂