Tag: covid-19

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August 2021

It’s the end of August and I haven’t blogged for a bit. Upgraded my phone and laptop this year and we bought a new (to us) home, so we have been busy.

It seems like the last few years have been about new beginnings, but like over and over. I am so ready to SETTLE in for a bit. We love our area and the friends we’ve made in Central Florida. We adore our new place and the neighborhood seems to be very amenable to walking and being outdoors and making friends. If I can get some cooler temps coming in (which should be soon) I want to start walking outside instead of just doing my bike in the house. I have been enjoying the pool though during this summer heat.

Now if we can just get Covid and its many mutations to Go the F Away and stay away. If only. My hopes are that the world (and our state) will be far more clear of this mess by Christmas.

What a couple years, eh? Batshit. The fear, the Unknown, the lack of control we all felt (that some handled better than others) and the complete inability for some to accept what was happening… (all totally normal, I suppose, under the circumstances). We all have had such different experiences and backgrounds, our personalities can be so utterly different, different ages, all sorts of things, so, of course, we respond uniquely. If there is anything we humans (maybe especially Americans) love, it’s control. It’s being in the know. We want the skinny and we want it NOW.

But I wonder how we will recover in the long-term. How can we ever go back to who we once were? Maybe the answer is that we cannot. I truly hope we can be smarter, more compassionate, more willing to share with one another in an atmosphere of love and acceptance… but I don’t see evidence of it. Our world, our nation has been rocked and it has changed, I’m not sure for the better. A lot of people, myself included, are more afraid to fly than ever before. (And I’m not even talking about the risk of the virus, but how people have been behaving.) There are more (or at least more obvious) mental health issues than ever before. We’ve all been traumatized. Some folks just don’t seem well, not at all. Kindness and compassion go out the window and full-on meltdowns are the go-to response to, well, anything. It’s like we’ve had ENOUGH and cannot take any more.

Where in the world will we end up?? Heaven only knows.

Early on in the pandemic, I found some ways for me to cope. 1) I take one day and one decision at a time. It helps me NOT to feel overwhelmed. 2) I had my “F U” moment. I think everyone needs this, the moment where you scream at the top of your lungs “F you and F that and F Covid!” Etc, etc. Mine lasted a bit. I had some old stuff to get out, and this helped me more than anything I’ve tried, to destress, let go of old anger and old stuffed trauma and memories. Anger and hurt that is stuffed down will find its way out, be it days, weeks, or years later. It comes out physically and emotionally and can and does make us sick. The Only Way Out is Through. I learned to stop stuffing. 3) similar to 2, and this began even well before the pandemic, I take care of myself and have gotten a little therapy, learned to be fully myself, have my opinions and independence, and without beating up others in the process.

I’ve learned that I’m not just okay, I’m more than okay. I love and I am loved. I love and care for myself and my uniqueness and I value it. All those old messages of Not being quite good enough have been kicked to the curb and have no power over me now. I don’t feel the same pressures I used to, to fit in or make others happy. I am me, come along for the ride or get away, I really don’t care anymore. (Some of this freedom comes with age!) As we get older, and also having been through times of crisis, we can more clearly see the ridiculousness of some of the things we used to fret about. Ideally, old falsehoods and bad habits and attitudes burn away. I focus on health, in every area.

I’m a recovering perfectionist, still working on it. I believe it goes along with trying too hard for too many years to please everyone around me. It made me critical. I still struggle with this every day, but I have my head on straight finally.

I take responsibility (and this is a biggie) for me. For all I do or say. I don’t do the blame game or gaslight or manipulate others in order to make myself feel better. I see way too much of this behavior in the world today, and I refuse to participate. But neither do I apologize too frequently, or if I genuinely have no reason to; I live an unapologetic real life.

I was thinking about people who cut (hurt themselves) or have other methods of what I believe to be Release. For me, writing is a release, even if I repeat myself or vent or make no sense at all. Drawing, painting, and being creative helps me, too. I was thinking about how we can learn more positive forms of “pressure release” so that so many people don’t have to go through life self-medicating or self-harming, just to get by. We’ve got to get better. We have to do BETTER.

I truly hope and pray we humans grow from these past months and years. That we learn to cope without hurting ourselves or others. I truly hope for healing.

Peace Out for now my friends-

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Deconstruction or Annihilation

One of the first “Jenga bricks” to be pulled out for me, was realizing that I had no special protection for being a Christian. I’d heard and read this theology of “umbrella of protection” that basically teaches that if I’m really good and behave myself I will be protected from all harm. Once that brick was pulled the rest of the demolition was easy. It all fell apart.

The 2nd biggie was realizing that I really, deep down, once I really stepped back and examined things, canNOT in good conscience believe that the bible is literal. There’s just too much batshit stuff in there. Zooming out helped me come to the conclusion that a lot of it was the time/culture/ignorance they were living in combined with patriarchal beliefs and that need for control that men have had from the beginning. I believe there is a lot of good stuff in there, but also a lot of nonsense, capped off with what is basically a voodoo curse in the back. (Even though we also should not suffer a witch to live.) So use magics when and how I say, is what they were thinking. Patriarchy. Control. The boot on the neck. Yeah.

Ya wanna talk magics? Raising the dead is dark magic according to anyone who says anything about magic, so… that’s weird. Healing, walking on water, all magic.

So, for me, there are such things as miracles and gifts, but they are not intrinsically good or evil. Just like a gun or knife or fork or ax isn’t good or evil, it’s about who wields the power and how they use it. Many of the recorded “miracles” happened to people who were not even people of faith, so that was telling. Many so-called angelic sightings or NDE’s, same. (Near-death Experiences)

My conclusions then, (and I am not totally done concluding and never will be) is that there is a TON of crap none of us really understand or are even really capable of understanding. Which can be disconcerting and feel like annihilation. The earth moves under our feet. Plagues and pandemics are real. I believe there is life on other planets and we have likely already made first contact, only the powers that be feel we are not able to handle it yet, and they would be right.

I mean FFS. Look at how we have just been behaving about science and medicine and fact.

So. What does this mean for the person who feels the way I do? How do we cope? We learn One Day at a Time. We struggle, we enjoy every moment we possibly can. We accept that there is much we cannot understand or control. We fight to survive.

Peace Out, peeps!

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My POV aka Don’t be Too Crunchy

I like my blog. It’s my POV. I don’t have to argue with people about why I do the things I do or explain or justify, I can just say what I wanna say. Done and done.

I will never get this particular brand of Trump-mania. The blind-following. Crying “censorship” when anyone disagrees with your rhetoric. When people try to stop the flow of nonsense.

Don’t get me wrong, I love a good conspiracy theory, I have several of my own, but also I am smart enough to understand that they are just that, and as such, it would not be prudent for me to fling them all around the world claiming them to be fact. I reserve those discussions for those I sit and chat with and hang out with, and hey maybe that’s another negative to this pandemic thing… we can’t just sit and have coffee with our buds and spout out our wild conspiracy theories. in a safe environment, safe in knowing that my bud knows when I’m on the edge of koo-koo but we both know it and it won’t leave the room. I like spouting the crazy, but not publicly. Just for fun, just to vent. But in this environment it has become just a bit too easy for people to latch on and start claiming things as fact that are indeed, just theory.

I think the pandemic is making us all a bit too crunchy, too on the edge…. we are not all behaving rationally. We latch on to something just to feel like we have something to latch onto. Pausing long enough to really think has gone out the window, and heaven forbid any of us might be seen to admit that we may have been wrong about something or someone. Our egos won’t allow that. So we hang on for dear life to that which is ugly and wrong and destructive.

If I rant a lot about anything these days, it is to Think for Yourself. Slow down. Zoom out. Find your logic and common sense. Stop getting caught up in the nonsense. (And know you will be embraced and loved, by those that matter, if you find yourself in a position to have to say “Hey maybe I was wrong.”) Give peace a chance. And common sense. And love for your fellow humans. Calm. Logic. Thoughtfulness. It may be harder to find these days, but it can indeed be found and embraced.

Be good to someone today. It’s the right thing to do. Defeat all that darkness with your light. Be the voice of reason in the midst of chaos.

and Peace Out!

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Ready to Say Goodbye to 2020

Blog Post: December 18, 2020

I’ve so much going on inside that it has made me almost entirely immobilized. Distracted, weepy, and needing desperately to write and word vomit it all out, to process.

Sigh.

This sucky bad no-good year. The virus and all that that entails, the extreme polarization in our world and our country. People pitted against each other, vitriol and hatred, bigotry, hate. Since I “zoomed out” or became more awake and aware of the world around me, (not sure how to refer to it) it’s been rough. I feel a lot like a small protected toddler who has been coddled and sheltered, opening her door and seeing nothing but hate, strife, war, blood, disease, death. I’ve begun to see the world for what it is, not just through a narrow, limited lens. I suppose this is a kind of awakening.

I cannot but miss the feeling of comfort and shelter I used to feel, even while at the same time, understanding how false it really always was. Though I know there is no going back (the world or me, myself) I do find myself looking for comfort, for peace. For that feeling that “all is right with the world” and I don’t have a ton of hope of things getting back to that. I suppose this is what one could call my “new normal”.

I don’t think I could even call it depression, but that would be an easy label to throw on it.

My father is not doing well. I’ve been processing a lot of old emotions and feelings from my childhood. Digging up bones. Processing old wounds. Feeling profound sadness and nostalgia and melancholy. This on top of everything else, well… it’s a lot.

But also, there are small good things. I can feel myself beginning to heal in some areas, and maybe just plain hardening and putting up walls, boundaries and defenses in other ways. Metaphorical scabs forming. Whatever it takes, I guess.

In the end, we are all human, we all find our ways to cope and get by. Writing and art journaling are my saving graces. If I didn’t have some way of getting things out, I’d surely go mad.

Going to get to see family at Christmas and we have all been isolating and being even more super careful than normal in preparation for it, but I need it. We will just walk the beach and chat and will avoid public places. I’ve always been a person that values quality of life, not just quantity, so, though it increases our risk a little bit, we have each determined it is a risk we are willing to take. After Christmas, I will be right back to locking myself down except for that which is necessary, (doc visits and the like.)

In the end (by this time in our pandemic) I have gotten back around to my first feelings on it… If and when I die, I will die. Not so worried about myself but don’t ever want to feel responsible for anyone else dying. Going to be careful and going to do what I need to do. Keep living.

Each month when I look over the calendar, I look at appointments or things coming up and say, “I just have to live through that.” Next thing that comes up, “Okay, just gotta live through that.” One day at a time, one outing at a time. And I do feel like (because of my isolated lifestyle especially), I am relatively low-risk.

My health issues are concerning, and may make me feel like a higher risk person, but over-all, I feel good about my chances of making it through the pandemic. I think sometimes it’s more about just getting through each day and its emotional and mental challenges, not getting too bored, or feeling too isolated, or too wigged out or full of anxiety. It’s hard for me to think beyond next week, beyond Christmas. I take one day at a time and that’s the only way I get by.

In times of stress and trouble in the past, I would always say to myself, “This too shall pass,” and remind myself that things can and will be good again. I try to tell myself that now, but I’m not saying it with a lot of conviction. I think there will be good times again, but I remain worried for the world at large. I think we humans have a lot coming up in our future. I hope to hell we’re ready for it.

But I am damned glad to say good-bye to this year. Maybe, just maybe, 2021 will prove to be better.

Cheers. Happy Christmas. Merry Holidays… I hope you get through, too.

Peace Out

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June 1st Blog

I’ve made changes to my privacy settings on Facebook but will try to keep it going so I can see and chat with the 12 to 20 people or so that I really have grown to love that I would never see otherwise.

Some are predicting civil war and even world war after the year we’re having (and it’s only June.) War is only always MAD. (Mutually Assured Destruction.) Trying hard to have enough faith in humanity that we can avoid that. I see all of the anger, though, and now more than ever, it feels as if there is nowhere to go with that anger, nothing constructive that can be done with it, but I pray that doesn’t mean we all throw up our hands and decide to be destructive with it. (Though I admit that there are systems and mindsets that need to be deconstructed.)

Ya know, I’m smarter than I look. I have come by (with tons of difficulty and work on myself) a strong sense of self, lots of confidence and self-love, and have set many boundaries for myself. The more I have done that, the more I am shown the truth that – when others don’t have these things, they see me as being arrogant. Don’t care, can’t care, and won’t apologize for it. It comes with taking care of yourself. We’ve been taught NOT to for far too long.

I am sick to death of being taught or schooled by those who have lived half the life I have lived with almost zero of the experiences I have had and that won’t fly. Nobody has any respect for the “elders” anymore and I can kind of understand why, but only if you’re judging all older people as being exactly the same. Young people don’t like that being done to them, and neither do we. We don’t take kindly to the hard-fought wisdom we’ve gleaned being tossed aside blithely by the exuberance of youth. That being said, some of the smartest and kindest people I know ARE young. So, all of that to say, STOP assuming you know anyone if you truly do not and judging them by skin color or age or demographic. Just STOP.

The ONLY thing I will say right now about Mr. Floyd is that I am so incredibly heartsick. I dearly love some people with brown skin and black skin (and other colors) and I cannot fathom the pain. I won’t pretend to and I won’t diminish it with any more quick responses or thoughts. Just… I love you.

I’m gonna say something stupid obvious– if you don’t know me, you don’t know me. Some know the ME I was 30 years ago and I am not that person, so you may think you know me but you don’t. I daresay my own (original) family that I have not been able to be around much over the last 30 years, (back in Oklahoma or scattered around the world) don’t truly know me, but may know my core heart as good, or at least I really hope they give me that benefit of the doubt. So do not dare to judge my heart or my motives to my face. I will shut that shit down.

Now having vented about that, I’ll move on to other word vomit for the day about what is happening in this messed-up world and/or about my life, etc.

I’m doing well (outside of being that level of stressed that never goes away from the Covid mess) and then adding all that the world is going through over this past week and the stress of that (realizing that my stress about that is primarily extreme heartache and doesn’t compare in any way to all that the black community feels.) I am heartsick. 

I’ve always considered myself to be a patriot and someone who loves America but I’ve never felt this sad and heartsick about our country and its direction. If that offends you I’d just ask you to look with broader, more open eyes of what and who we are and what we look like to the rest of the world at large. We used to be a true super-power that earned the respect of others. If you are under any delusion that this is still true (in the eyes of the world) then wake up. We are a laughing stock.

Many Americans simply refuse to acknowledge that there is a world beyond our borders and if they think of anyone outside of America at all, it is down their noses, with hatred and disrespect for all. This is not me. I do not feel this way. I am not a nationalist. I realize that the cracks, the fissures that America needs to heal, are deeper and wider than ever before, and frankly, I currently have little hope of waking people up to it. People absolutely refuse to acknowledge it, stubbornly and blindly. I have no patience at all for that. Having zero connections or friendships outside of the US is a great way to become such a narrow minded individual. Don’t travel, don’t care a hoot about anyone who doesn’t think or act or look exactly like you. Then you’ll end up being a true American. This saddens me more than words can convey.

This statement alone has many people hating on me and dismissing me and throwing me into a box with a huge label (or four) but I can’t care about that anymore. It’s very difficult to find your voice and then silence it. Being silent has caused more problems than it has ever fixed, (outside of loud hate-mongering). Much like the person who stands up on the playground between a bully and an innocent, there is a time and place to use your voice. (Not your guns, axes or fists, but your voice.)

I believe whole-heartedly in the right to peacefully protest and yes I’d fight for the right for someone who vehemently disagrees with me on policy to be able to stand up and exercise that right. All people have this right, not just those who look and feel like you or me.

As a side-My opinion on guns is that it is in our constitution that we have a right to bear arms. We came out of the wild west and in many ways are still there. If you want to get a permit and take classes and be psychologically evaluated to own a gun, be my guest. (And sadly I think we are at or almost at that place where people need to be evaluated before being given a permit.) But it must be recognized that guns are for one purpose in 2020, to kill. They are no longer something we need in order to eat. Many countries outside of the US are just plain better at gun control than we are and this is proven out by the decline of gun violence in their countries after enacting stricter laws. You can’t disarm the general public without disarming the “bad guys” which simply means it has to be country-wide, worldwide controls in place. And of course, murder begins in the heart of man. Someone bent on murder have always and always will find numerous and creative ways to kill. But having a large rock in your hand, or a knife, is just less damaging to large groups of people than having an assault rifle in your hands. It just is. The average joe does not need a sniper rifle or an assault rifle. 

Our RIGHTS have far outweighed our sense and our morals in America for quite some time. (Our forefathers could not have envisioned the world as it is today.) Just because you have a right to do something doesn’t mean you should. SHOULDS have more to do with an individual’s own morals and ethics. In a perfect world, people would understand this. In a perfect world, all people would have ethics and morals (and no, I no longer believe that people must have a religious faith affiliation to have ethics and morals, I find this to be very short-sighted.) Why? Because my world has expanded and I have changed my own faith and belief systems, and because in my lifetime I have met some of the best and most ethical, loving, moral people on the planet who do not claim any religion or god as their source, and also I should say I know people from many various belief systems who are also loving and good and kind. It is possible to be an atheist and be loving and moral and kind. And I know some personally. If you don’t know some, perhaps consider widening your circle. Stretch the boundaries of what you have always believed to be true.

We’ve become a people obsessed with social media and that has led us to being obsessed with making sure that everyone else has to look and act and feel the same… same religion, same skin color, same belief systems, don’t you DARE be different. It’s shining a lot of light on these old outdated ideals. It feeds nationalism and hatred and prejudice. It IS possible to be a lover of America and not be a nationalist, to grieve at who we have become and are becoming. To be respectful of the different (from you or me or anyone).

I cannot deal any longer with people’s short-sighted, narrow-minded knee-jerk and often hate-filled  reactions on social media so I am going to move more towards posting on my blog and posting about my artistic endeavors (when I do post on Facebook particularly) and I hope that anyone who loves a bit more like I do or who are open-minded and loving, will follow my blogs here. I have my YouTube and my Insta and I’ll use those more, too. In a time when we cannot talk face to face, it is more and more obvious that we don’t know how to relate on social media.

One last provocative statement before I sign off for the day: If you have not changed AT ALL in the last 20 years, it might be time to stretch your heart and mind. Don’t be a stagnant unmoving swamp. Learn, Grow. Love.

Love and Peace to all.

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May 28th Update (on virus thoughts and life, etc)

May 28th update on my thoughts on the virus and our response, long term:

Everyone has had their own reactions and responses to this horrific event, and our views change (or should evolve and grow) over time. Mine have. The things I thought and felt at day one or week two or day 45 of isolation, they have changed and evolved as things have progressed. I still witness so many people being rude and thoughtless and downright mean-spirited on the daily and this is heart-breaking. I made the decision early on to be open-minded, find facts (as much as anyone can), not get drawn into lunatic conspiracy theories, and adjust my thinking as more info presented itself. The following is where I am at today, May 28th.

Leaving conspiracy theories aside (which I am absolutely doing) though I acknowledge this is a crazy messed up, money-obsessed world with all kinds of things going on that most people don’t know anything about, I believe the world has always operated this way so I’m not shocked at all by any of it. We just hear more now than we ever did before. (And what we hear is distorted to fit someone’s agenda, I guarantee you that much.) Those things aside, here it is.

I think there have been and are still many of us, particularly those of us who would consider ourselves or close loved ones to be high risk, that have felt like this would all one day pass… in 14 days or 30 days or 90 days, that one day it will magically disappear and we can all leave our homes again absolutely risk-free. I no longer believe this is going to happen. If it does, I will be thrilled, obviously, but from all I have read, I now believe that this virus isn’t going anywhere, not for a very, very long time and may stay around pretty much forever much like the cold viruses we have now.

So. If this is indeed true, (and I am not quoting anyone here because people choose to believe what they will and it does not matter one iota what the source is, I’ve seen this many times), then one must then decide what to do about it. To me, wisdom says, be careful, wear masks, wash your hands a lot, stay away from large crowds of people (etc) while also beginning to get back to some sense of life. For me, the biggest thing is being able to see my kids and grandkids again. For some it is going back to work or finding a new job. So, for me, I am working towards a date in the near future where I will be able to see my loved ones, while we all act responsibly (making sure everyone is well at the time of visits, etc). Because it is either this or resign myself to never seeing them again, and I am here to tell you, that is not an option for me.

So over the coming weeks I will begin to wear a mask and go shopping again. Go to my doctor’s visits again. See my chiropractor. Go back to my allergy clinic for shots, and other such things. I intend to be very careful about where I go and take care of myself as well as I possibly can, but I cannot simply stop living forever or stop seeing my family forever. I can’t NEVER go back to a doctor. Life has got to go on. I have come to understand and accept this.

I am endeavoring to accept anyone and everyone’s points of view (as long as they are being kind and compassionate, because I will never understand the mean-ness.) Each of us must decide what feels right for us and our loved ones.

Because we were already so divided (and there are many people in some extreme camps right now in my opinion) the virus took an already touchy and difficult situation and made it a million times worse. If or when I have to, I will delete my social media accounts altogether, but I am HOPING and trusting humanity enough to try and keep my friends and contacts through social media as long as possible. Nonsense will not be tolerated. I do not mind discussing things with anyone but SHOUTING and talking down to me or others or name calling will not be tolerated on my timelines. If I have to go down to 3 people, then I will.

I don’t know where you are at in your thinking about what lies ahead for you and yours, but whatever it is, I offer you compassion and understanding. I say take as much time as you need. Do what you have to do. Just please be patient with others (as I am trying to as well.)

It’s my opinion that as time goes on, we will all have to “come out from under” at some point and find our “new normal”. It’s that or lay down and die. But you do YOU, do what you need to and when you need to, and each of us are in different areas and different situations. Tread carefully. Be mindful of others please, and if you cannot, then take yourself away from me.

Be well, my friends. Be whole. Be compassionate. Be loving. Be alive.

Peace Out

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Almost Normal

A good Saturday.

There’s a line in the movie Beverly Hills Ninja where Chris Rock’s character says something like, “Man, every time I leave my house, everywhere I go, there’s someone waiting there to kick my ass.” I haven’t watched that movie in years but apparently that line stuck with me. Cuz I do feel like that sometimes. Metaphorically speaking.

Definitely social media feels like that. Many of us have become careful about what we say, because no matter what it is, there’s someone out there that not only disagrees with you, but wants to kick your ass about it. It’s so tiring. And it happens now more than ever before as we have become so divided. That’s one reason why I’ve started blogging here more rather than saying all my “word vomit” right there on Facebook. I figure the amount of people who will actually care what I have to say enough to click through is small and even the ones who do, rarely want to leave a comment. Hey, cool with me, cuz –if ya can’t say something nice, don’t say nothing at all–works for me.

Me and hubs spent a lot of time outside earlier and even went for a ride in the car, windows down and music blaring. It felt almost, dare I say it, normal. We went over and looked at the ocean but didn’t get out of the car, just drove around a bit. Things are really starting to open up over at the beach area, more and more people are going to the beaches even though they still have the boardwalk and the parking areas blocked off, which makes no sense to me, but there ya go. Seems to me that if ya can plop your chair down and sit on the beach, that’s no worse by parking your car nearby or being able to walk the boardwalk, but I guess they don’t agree.

We’re thinking and hoping to go to the beach in a couple weeks time (we saw some areas that were completely deserted where we could go and still be away from everyone.) It will be nice to do that again. We still plan to avoid restaurants (except take-out) for a bit longer and are staying away from everyone for a while yet. To each their own, I suppose, but we will make our own decisions on where to go and when. (We should live in the ‘show me” state cuz we are big on waiting and watching.) We seem to be down to one new case a day in our county, so I hope the low numbers continue to go down.

Meanwhile, as I said, today has felt nearly normal and we have been needing some of that. The emotional wear and tear on people can be so devastating, but I know people have different thoughts on when and where they go. We’re just taking it slow and easy. It helps me so much mentally just to get outside and get some sun. Hubby will be good once he can start on an outdoor project he has been wanting to get started on, which should happen soon. I think I worry about him more than me (as far as how we’re coping.) I guess because I am so much more used to being at home a lot and not seeing other people for days or weeks at a time. My social butterfly is struggling. Not sleeping well, etc. He’s good, I mean I really think he is, but it’s just so new and different for him. And in the midst of it all, we both realize how incredibly fortunate we are compared to some who have lost jobs, loved ones, etc.

Gratitude helps.

I guess Almost Normal will have to suffice for this weekend, and oh yeah, Happy Mother’s Day  to any Moms out there. I hope you are being loved on. 

Love and safe hugs to all my buds out there! Hang in there.

Peace Out

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Life is Good, Bad and Ugly.

Blog for today. Hello lovelies. How are we today? Yesterday and today I’ve made lists and I’m going through an item at a time and getting some things done. I have not been productive every single day of the lockdown (nor was I productive every single day before the lockdown). But this week, for right now, today, I seem to need to stay active. It helps.

Getting some sun seems to help me, not just physically, but mentally and emotionally as well. It’s close to 11 and I still have 8 or 9 items left to go. I’m actually happy about that.

When it comes to writing, I seem to be in a real poetry mode. I had started a fiction book a month or two ago, but haven’t touched it since the first week of working on it. Maybe I’ll schedule a day to work on it next week. In the past, once I start a book, I don’t work on anything else until it’s done. These last four or five years, maybe because I’ve been focusing a ton on my mental and physical health, the idea of shorter/smaller projects has greatly appealed. I can finish quickly and get that feeling of accomplishment faster (like checking things off a list).

Then there’s art. I started painting (acrylic on canvas) a couple years back and I find a lot of satisfaction in it. It’s therapeutic and really energizes the creative mind for me. Then I began to take art journaling classes and that has been life-alteringly beneficial for me. I can do longer, more in depth projects, or even just draw or use color pencils, or whatever, and it keeps my hands active as well as my mind. I can do layer after layer, collage or mixed media, or whatever strikes me.

Finding out how to draw faces is something that has been huge for me over this past year or so. I have studied a lot of tutorials, noted what my art journaling teacher does as well as many other artists, then began to practice for hours and hours, trying to find my own unique style. I think I’m beginning to, and it has been such fun. I don’t know how many sketchbooks and journals I’ve filled with faces, but it’s a ton. I try to at least draw and doodle every day. I tackle the larger projects as I feel up to it. Art has–I know this to be true–saved me in so many ways.

This lockdown and virus mess is hard, it has been and it will be, and nobody really knows for how long. I’ve been through hard things before. I didn’t want to go through something like this, nobody does, but I’ll just keep plugging through the best I can. And that’s life, isn’t it? Facing the mundane, the beautiful, and the horrible and living through it all.

Keep plugging away, dear friends.

As always, Peace Out

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April 30 blog on Covid 19 and life in general

Good morning, world. I’m doing a lot of blogging these days, I guess because of feeling so very isolated. It helps, somehow. Even if nobody reads it, it helps to get things down and out of the head and heart.

Some days I’m a confident queen, sure of myself and all that I am and where I’m going and some days I find myself with more doubt and fear. I suppose that’s normal and happens to everyone. Sometimes I think it’s my own perfectionistic ways that make me feel like I have to be on top every single day, flying high. I know this isn’t true. Some days I need to allow myself to hide under the covers and rest and heal and not worry about much.

My illness seems to have cleared, only the mildest of coughs left. I have to say that the feeling of an elephant on my chest was the worst I ever remember experiencing and I’ve had lung mess off and on throughout my life. I’m so pleased it’s gone away. Now it’s all about watching what happens with the world at large with the virus. Our governor was on TV last night discussing Phase One of trying to get back to normal. He is being more conservative than in Georgia and other states, so right now is a time to wait and watch for me. At this point in the pandemic, I am finding it in myself to have grace with people doing whatever they need to do. If they feel like a healthy person that is not at high risk and feel the need to go to the salon or the beach or go eat outside at a beach restaurant, I’m gonna keep my mouth closed and my eyes open. At some point, we will all have to step back out, so to each their own.

I do consider myself high risk and have already been sick but don’t know for sure if our bodies will properly build any immunity on their own. For this reason I choose to be more cautious than others might.

For the first time, yesterday and today, I feel like we can see the light at the end of this. That tomorrow will come and life will get back to normal and that maybe it will not take a year or more. It feels like a huge sigh throughout my entire body. And still I am in wait-n-see mode over the next couple weeks and months. I still need to protect myself from “high drama” so that will continue. Anyone making me crazy will be unfollowed.

Today is not so “go, go, go! Conquer the world!” with my mental state but more a self-care day where I look out for the mental and emotional wellbeing of myself and my hubs. And this is fine with me. I’m going to try to get in some exercise and some sun today as our pollen count is supposed to be low for the first time in a long while.

If you’re reading this, I hope you have an amazing day full of light and grace and love and wellbeing. Take care of yourselves. 

Peace Out

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Be Healthy, Behave

I saw an article yesterday (when I was looking outside of Facebook for news reports) about people out there who have made a living out of creating a website, getting advertisers to be on their site (this is how they get paid) and then they spend their full-time work days creating misinformation and putting it out there as real. Knowingly. It’s hard to believe we live in such a time, in such a world, where people benefit and live off of destroying other people. I won’t mention their names here, goodness knows I don’t want to promote one more person looking at this guy’s mess, but this dude took this woman and her family and totally decimated their lives by accusing them online of having started the coronavirus (Covid-19) outbreak. Even though the authorities and police have confirmed her innocence, it does not seem to matter and the police can do nothing. There are no laws for this.

He had hundreds of thousands of followers attacking these poor people. Their reputations are ruined. They don’t feel safe, can’t leave their homes (even after they CAN from isolating) for fear of being attacked.

I saw a story about a NC woman who is knowingly infected and she and her followers are taking to the streets to tell people they need their “freedom” and to get out there and protest for the opening of commerce now, and she is very militant about it. It’s real, people. This is the world we are living in.

Sigh. Good morning, friends. It is a stressful time to be alive. It’s enough to make me (I don’t know about you) crawl under the covers and hide.

I’m the kind of person who likes to take any action I can (even if it’s only taking to my keyboard) to try to bring about positive change in the world. But this…. This mess. People are so entrenched in their ways of thinking and refuse to be challenged. It’s unlike anything I have ever witnessed before. It feels like Mass Brainwashing and it scares me, I’m not gonna lie.

As for the aforementioned perpetrators, the ones making a living from defaming people, I’d be all for implementing laws about defamation, etc., that would cause these people, once they are identified, to be placed in shackles in the public square and let people walk by and throw tomatoes at them. Let’s bring that back. I bet it’d work.

My heart aches for this world. More than I ever thought I would live to see, people are forgetting about what’s important, latching on to some little thing and turning it into a full-blown cult-like agenda. I don’t understand. I never will. And don’t tell me people just need faith in God because a lot of the folks participating in some of the crazy behavior are self-proclaimed people of faith. I cannot express how sad this makes me.

People need love. They need real connection with real people. They need mental/emotional healthcare. This much is abundantly clear.

I’ve found that sitting with someone and having a coffee together and talking our thoughts through, even if we disagree, in an attitude of respect and humility, can work wonders. Before social media it’s what everyone did. That’s why people who disagreed with one another weren’t losing friendships over it back in the day, but now it’s just the thing to do, to blast people you disagree with and fight and yell and get ugly, and decide we can’t be friends.

I go a long way towards trying to discuss things calmly but when people start getting angry with me, calling me names, trying to publicly humiliate me, look out. Boundary walls are up and people are being shoved outside of them. I don’t put up with that. My peace and the energy I surround myself with, is very important to me. I will protect it and myself.

So, I am over here in my tiny little corner of my little world, plugging away at life and at trying to make sense of it all. Ultimately there is little I can do but try to encourage people to be kinder, to really look at broader views instead of a tiny narrow one. To base all they do out of love and compassion and empathy rather than furthering their political ideals and agendas.

The combination of social media (hiding oftentimes under Freedom of Speech) and politics is destroying it all, our peace, our friendships, our relationships, our sanity. I’m not playing anymore, people. I will not engage.

No-one, no matter how long I’ve known or loved them (family included) is going to be allowed to get me all riled up and upset and ruin my quality of life which is ever-so-precarious right now anyway. Boundary walls up and fully engaged, like a high-dollar alarm system.

If you feel the same or just like to follow me for whatever reason, (writing, art, poetry, friendship, whatever) then I hope you stick around. I hope you come back here and hang out and read my stuff. For those local, I hope one day we can meet and have coffee and discuss things with mutual respect and kindness.

Whatever you do, please take care of yourself and hold onto your sanity and your peace. Be healthy. Be kind. BEHAVE.

Peace Out.

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Blog Saturday April 25th 20 On life, boundaries, and my exodus from church (finding myself)

Hello my lovelies. Dang I feel emotionally better today, but last night…. Oooohhh

Last night I had a full-on meltdown that I’m quite sure would look like a nervous breakdown of sorts. It wasn’t. I am a person who was taught to always stuff down their emotions so in recent years I am learning to let them out when they need to come out. I’ve gotten up to crying 3 times a year! Yippee! I had not cried in sooo long and not at all since this virus was let loose on the world.

I’ve had a lot of training over the years and motherhood is a great teacher, too, in being strong, taking care of others, meeting their needs at the cost of your own, etc. For all of these reasons I have had to learn how to heal my own insides, to process these strong emotions when they come and take care of me. (The only way out is through. That’s my new mantra.)

So while still hiccup crying, I got on my laptop and typed a 2 page document where I spewed (talk about word vomit!) all my junk out. Every single sentence began with the word “Fuck.”

That’s normally not how I roll, but it was a long-time coming and indeed, it was good. So cathartic. I kinda want to share that document (that’s just my need to be seen and understood) but I think I’ll keep that to myself, or maybe print it out, then journal over it (draw and paint over it). BTW, it was amazing therapy so if there are things you need to get out but don’t feel you can tell anyone, write or type them out, then shred them or do whatever with them. It helps so much.

I had a great online appointment with my primary care doc yesterday, and it’s quite possible I have the ‘rona. I definitely have a virus that is attacking my lungs. I missed the time slots available to go to our closest drive-up testing center, and that one won’t open until Wednesday. There’s another in Daytona Beach, if I get desperate to know (for my own knowledge) if it is Covid-19 or some other virus. That one is opened on Monday. The doc says it is all academic as long as I am isolating and doing all the things the doc tells me to do (etc). I don’t need to go to the hospital unless I take a big turn for the worse (higher fever, cannot breathe even with all these meds and nebulizer) and if that were to happen, I’d go to the hospital. They would test me there at that time. The results take a week to get back, so pretty academic. It may well be gone – should be gone- in that time frame. Only occasionally and sporadically do I seem to have any fever, and it is low, one or two points above normal. I’m actually dealing well, and don’t expect any need for any hospital visits anytime soon. I’m a fighter and have had to fight illness a lot. This time feels a bit different in the lungs which makes me think it may well be Covid-19, but it doesn’t matter so long as I don’t share it with others and take care of myself. I’ll see how I feel Monday about getting the test.

That’s out of the way, so now let’s talk about boundaries. And women with boundaries, specifically. Do you have them? If you don’t, get some. They will absolutely change/save your life. Also gonna touch on my worldview and some of things I’ve learned along my journey.

It took me way too long and I dealt with way too much BS in my life before I learned to say “No!” and loudly at times. Unfortunately we are often taught (especially us gals) that it is unseemly, unacceptable, “unChristian” or wrong to stand up for ourselves in any way. “Sit still, look pretty” describes a lot of my earlier years of life. (I didn’t feel pretty, still often don’t) but still got the feeling that we women were for looking at and having sex with, and hey, if you can find a meek and mild one, maybe marry her and have babies. (In the kitchen, barefoot and pregnant, cooking dinner!) Yeah, I do come from that kind of a background. Not bashing anyone who does the housewife and mom thing, I did it for a long time, but this is more about how the male of the species sees women in general. We (and often children) were to be seen and not heard. Arm candy. Trophy wife. All of those things. Took me a loooong time to get my head on straight about who and what I am as a woman and the value that I (we) have. Our power has been stripped and we need to reclaim it. We are just as pushed down as any race or ethnic group in some ways. (Not to say I understand AT ALL what it would be like to be a woman AND a person of color.) And for power to be stripped one must have it in the first place.

Part of my research over the last few years has been deeper into religion, ancient scrolls and the like. I found out that women were actually a huge part of the Christian leadership in the very early days of Christianity. Because of the misogyny of that time, and let’s face it, forever, when men came in and took over, they relegated women back into the kitchen and into servitude. Of course, women wanting to serve Christ gladly did what they could to serve (and do today.) Many modern denominations, maybe most, do not allow women in positions of leadership and certainly don’t allow them to speak from the pulpit. Archaic, misogynistic and wrong in my thinking. If you ever want to be truly valued in your gifts, talents, and leadership skills, I daresay it won’t happen in most churches. Even if they put you into a position of authority, most of the men in the congregations would take issue. This is stinky and wrong. (I come from a background of volunteering and being on paid staff at a church for many years.)

This leads into my lifeview and worldview making a 180 in a lot of things. Misogyny in the church did not start my defection from Christianity, just an observation. Much of my research and reading led me to believe that the bible as we have it today (and Catholics have one type, protestants another, and other denominations and religion still others) is not completely accurate and certainly is not holy or to be worshipped. Is it a good book with lots of stories and inspirational stuff? Yes. Some history? Yes, some accuracy? Yes, I believe that. I no longer see it as infallible, and even found up to 1200 plus instances where it contradicts itself. Scrolls were intentionally left out and people just blindly accept that that was “of God”. I don’t believe it. One thing I do know is humanity, and it always has its own agenda. Not trying to change anyone’s mind here, just sharing my life, thoughts, views.

As you might imagine, my spiritual life has taken many twists and turns (if you look back over a lot of my older posts, I rant a lot about my feelings, the changes, how hard it has been on me to turn the Titanic of my belief systems around, how painful it was to make the decision to leave mainstream Christianity, etc.) Lots of word vomit, talking it out, etc. Painful experience in many ways but absolutely a growth experience for me. 

For a while I came close to Christian-bashing and being against any kind of faith. (I still get “triggered” when people quote scripture at and to me, especially in that surfacey trite way “Oh just pray more and the bible says yada yada, there, now you are all fixed.” or “If you were just more spiritual, better, more perfect like Christ, you’d be fine, ya filthy lost sinner.” It’s all very triggering to me, I no longer believe all that most of mainline Christianity believes, and therefore have chosen NOT to align myself with the Christian church overall.

I still struggle with any kind of faith issues. I continue to study lots of different religions, ideologies, etc. I am fascinated with how people all over the world see God, how they find him, how they worship, etc. I would call myself a “seeker of truth” (not an organization but a philosophy) and have zero tolerance for others thinking they have cornered the market on truth. I call BS.

I am more loving (believe it or not) than I have ever been and have a great love for all of humanity. When I weep it is often for all of humanity and what we do to each other. I carry a big burden about all of those things. It matters to me.

I am just now getting to a place where I can “tolerate” for lack of a better term, being around people who are very deep into Christianity and quote scripture at everyone, everything, every problem. I’m trying to heal in that area and accept people for who they are as I want to be accepted for who I am.

I learned a lot in churches, had many positive experiences, but for me, in hindsight, there were a lot of wrong toxic principles and beliefs that I am still trying to heal from. Misogyny and under-valuing women is only one of those things. But I deal with that in every area and aspect of life.

If you are very entrenched in your beliefs in Christianity, we may never truly connect, and I have explained a tiny bit, a microscopic bit of all of the reasons why. But if you are kind, compassionate, open-minded, and if you find we connect on some level, that’s all good. I like to have friends from many different walks of life, and I do have (all over the world). You do you and I’ll do me. 

Anyway, this is already long but just to touch again on boundaries and finish my thought. We women and really everyone, have got to learn to establish boundaries that say, “You may come this far and no further.” A boundary is like screaming, “No!! You may not!!” with an outstretched hand. It’s like having a bodyguard (but the bodyguard is you.) I want to talk about this more in future posts but I think I’m gonna rest now. Self-care is a GOOD thing.

Love you all. Stay strong. Be mindful of others and take care of YOU.

Peace Out.

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Blog from the Belly of the Beast

“If the world was ending you’d come over, right?” sings Julia Michaels. The song has deeper meaning than ever. I don’t personally believe the world is ending but it most definitely is changing. Mother Earth is catching a break and a breath in the middle of all of this.

I believe  that God or Spirit or the Universe (whatever you choose to call it) tries to speak to us. We’re continually being stretched, there are lessons we are supposed to learn. For a while I’ve been banging the drum about walking away from dogma, from man-made boxes and labels. The most glaring examples are found in religion and politics. You MUST pick a box, we are told, then sign your life away to everything that box stands for. Everyone outside this box and those in other boxes are the enemy. We must stay away, lest we “catch” what they have. And ultimately, name-calling, villifying, and eventually murder and war. What little predictable ants we are.

I will never go back to that way of thinking. I get called all sorts of things, and sometimes on social media, I feel as though I look behind me as I run and I am being chased by throngs of people carrying labels and boxes. They fling them at me. “Liberal! Socialist! Hippie! Right-wing nut-job!” All depending on what I’ve said that has set them off.

I used to (and sometimes still) try to explain my mindset to others, but it always, every time, leads to the labeling and name-calling, judging, writing me off. There are a precious few who seem to love me in spite of who I am, not sure anyone loves me for exactly who I am. Maybe God and my hubs. Maybe a precious few. So for this “hippie” who has learned many tough lessons on how to be fiercely independent and deal with being, at times, all alone with myself and my thoughts, it’s just one more thing. One more thing that labels me “different”.

This pandemic is forcing others to sit still, to think, to ponder, maybe go inside and ponder deeper things (which is what I spend most of my time doing.) Fear becomes a monstrous beast, and even those claiming to be the most faithful are running scared. Hoarding. Taking care of “Number One” and not thinking about the needs of others. If you do voice concern for others, out come those label-makers… Look out!

We have the people who are doomsday preppers, totally in their element right now, driven by the beast of fear. Many in denial, can’t possibly be true, can’t possibly affect ME, can’t be happening, I’ll ignore it and it’ll go away. Then there are the young or just plain frightened, the broken, completely confused, curled up in a fetal position, waiting for the next shoe or belt to fall. They’ve always believed the world a harsh and scarey place and this latest madness only confirms it.

I’ve seen them, though. The calm, the peaceful, the ones who see what’s happening full well, and rise to the occasion. Those who reach out, no matter the cost. If I have to shelter at this time in a box, I’ll move in with these people. They’re out there helping people online, or working as nurses or doctors. Driving across the country or filling shelves for us. Checking out groceries when they’d rather be anywhere else. They write things about how to calm ourselves, give Yoga and meditation lessons, art lessons, do live online meet-ups so we can still find some way to huddle together. They’re not being positive because they’re in denial, they see the bigger picture. That people need people right now. They need the voices of calm reason and hope and love. I’ll be in that number, I’ll be a helper in any way I can.

As soon as I realized that going about my business could mean that I was spreading the virus, even if I had no symptoms, I began to re-organize my life. I learned the phrase “Flatten the Curve” and I know that the faster we isolate ourselves, the faster we will all be over this. Other countries have been overwhelmed and doctors have had to sit and watch patients die because their resources were stretched too thin.

It’s a surreal time to be alive on planet earth.

But there have been many such times in history, times of crisis. Times when those around you get to see who you really are. Each morning we choose fear or hope. We choose who and what we will be, not just for ourselves but to the world at large.

And finally, here are some Introverting tips from a Pro:

* Make lists. Chore lists, and fun stuff lists.

*Read. You no longer have an excuse not to.

*Stretch, Meditate and/or pray, exercise

*If you can get sun while isolating, do so. It helps everything.

*Grab some paper and write or draw or journal. It can be very helpful to put pen in hand and just let it rip. Intuitively creating is at its best when you’re alone.

*Listen to your favorite music. (Dance. Yes, dance.)

*Netflix and chill (or whatever you have to watch.)

*One Day at a Time (Don’t get caught up in what-ifs and tomorrows, take care of right now, today.)

*Choose Love. Choose Hope. (Oh and please, put away the label-maker.)