Tag: coping

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Treading Water

Haven’t posted in a while, … life, man. Go along smoothly for a time then some new crisis will hit. Just the way it is.

I was feeling like a such a rock star/warrior queen for all of the hard work I’ve done on myself, I thought I was so strong… And I am proud of what I’ve accomplished, that’s true. Not haughty proud but Hey I Did Good proud, the positive kind of pride. Confident. Walking tall.

Truth is though (and this has come back to me like a hard slab of granite to the face this past week) I am a pile of Jello. I’m a softie. I’m not strong. I’m mush. Mashed potatoes. I am (or at least can be) just as sensitive as I have always been, like I was as a kid, before all of life happened and I built walls and tore some of them back down and did all of this inner work. There’s still a creamy gooey center in this chocolate truffle (why am I talking food metaphors? It’s making me hungry) and I was truly unhappy to realize it. Part of me wanted to harden, to be that pillar, that concrete that can withstand all of life’s hurricanes.

I am not there.

When a close loved one is hurt, apparently, I turn into liquid goo. I flash right back to a scared child all over again. It’s been a rough week. Usually, in a crisis, I am a rock, I am the one that stays calm and directs others what to do. Not this time. Too close to home. It cracked something wide open in me. Maybe I needed crackin’.

I felt like as a child growing up, crying was wrong and bad and taboo (and in my earliest years I did a lot of it, my poor folks) but I learned that it was not acceptable behavior. People don’t like (especially back in those days) big displays of emotion. We’re to keep it all stuffed down, keep it locked inside, suck it up buttercup, get over it. I learned that well for a while.

Then I learned (here and now in our modern world) that we must have an outlet for pain. Crying can be good, healing, cathartic. I know people who cry on the daily and there was a time I would’ve thought that weak. I now admire it. I’m jealous, kinda. Keeping pain inside is no bueno. It doesn’t work. Not for anyone. So, I’m learning to cry again, and without guilt or shame. There are certainly things worth crying over. Most certainly. And I admit to feeling better afterwards.

I’m just gonna keep on swimming, swimming, swimming, and when I can’t do that, tread water. Keeping my head up. I might be crying a river at the same time, but I’m keeping my head up.

Anyone need a good cry with me? I have at least one dry shoulder.

Be well, my peeps. Peace Out.

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January 4, 2022 People are Stupid AKA It’s a Mad, Mad World

I had some errands to run and I got them all done. For reasons some of you know, I deal with anxiety related to driving (sometimes) and at times it’s just anxiety over leaving the house. But I got them all done and back home again in my comfy bubble.

I heard about the recent slap-fest on an airplane and my heart sank a little more. We are so passionate in our points of view these days, and ever-so stressed out. Maybe along with a sky ranger on the plane, we need a secret psychiatrist. Nobody knows who he or she is but they pop out when needed. Armed with comfort, kind words, appropriate meds. And once again the airline ticket costs jump up cuz they have to pay these people. What a world. I honestly don’t know if I will ever choose to fly again.

But for all the madness in our mad, mad world, I am actually doing pretty well. Watching the latest Coben marvel Stay Close on Netflix. I have a handful of shows (always) that help to occupy my mind and keep me busy. I live and thrive in the world of fiction and fantasy, and ain’t it a good thing these days? I often prefer fiction to reality. I art journal, I draw, I read, I fill notebook after notebook and write blog after blog. We all have our coping mechanisms, eh? And occasionally I foray out into the real world.

I texted a friend today and said, “Just checking in to see how your holidays were, cuz you’re one of the few humans I like.” It is, sadly, true. I try not to be too harshly judgmental of others, but often, for one reason or another, I just don’t like everyone and I guard my time and energy too much to waste it these days. If a hermit such as myself chooses to leave my home and venture out for you, you are special indeed to me. (You’re looking at a woman whose life motto has always been “People are stupid.”) I know, I know, you think I’m too negative. But I’m not wrong.

I’ve been finding a lot of traits in myself that I’ve seen in my late father, and it makes me say, “Oh! Genetics are real!” but also “Yikes,” cuz I have to make sure I don’t push everyone in my life away from me. I guess being aware of potential negative behavior is a good first place to start. I’m also a lovie, though, I truly am. If I don’t frighten people away and if I genuinely connect with or like someone, they’d find me to be a true, loving, forever friend. I have a huge heart. Perhaps that is why I protect it so very well.

In parting I will add, don’t always fall back on thinking people are stupid, try to understand. Try to be open to connection and friendship. I’m talking to myself here, too, of course. In such times we need extra super-human patience, kindness, gentleness, and self-control. Whatever you get up to this January, be kind, even it’s it difficult. We need more of this.

Peace Out, my friends!

 

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November 7, 2021 aka It Is What It Is

I sat down the other day and wrote a loooooong blog, only to realize there was an issue and it wouldn’t post and I lost it (because I didn’t write it in Word first like I sometimes do, but tried to save myself a few seconds of work.) Bit me in the butt. We’ll see if it works today.

Trying to stay steady, to maintain. Our lives are good and we are grateful but many that we know are struggling hard in one way or another. It’s hard to watch someone you love suffer in any way, and know there is nothing you can do but hope, pray (if you do), and wait it out. It Is What it Is. My most used phrase of the 2020s. When you can do nothing, you have to lay it down, let it go. Grieve when you must.

I am certainly a person who could easily make myself sick with worry, but I swore a long time ago Not to be that person, or at least to work hard on learning to let go of what you cannot control or change. I think that is one of the hardest lessons to learn–to stay steady in the midst of chaos or pain or stress. I’ve come a long way but have not totally arrived. The danger is going too far in the other direction and hardening your heart, putting too many walls up, forgetting how to love and care. No danger there, at least I’ve always felt too sensitive for my own good. (Thus the need to learn these lessons, build some kind of walls, lest I allow myself to be utterly destroyed.)

The world has changed so much these last few years as to sometimes seem unrecognizable. Many say it’s God’s wrath, but I never buy such answers, mainly because any God I could believe in, would never dole out such hurt and suffering on the good and the bad alike. There seems to be no justice at all to be had. I think it’s life on planet earth, viruses happen, shit happens, if you will, and it lands on all of us alike. Tidal waves, earthquakes… not the hand of a loving God at all, just life on this spinning ball. We like tidier answers than that, but I think that’s the truth of it.

Life happens. Shit happens. Illness and death happen, even to the good, the faithful, the kind, the believer and non-believer alike. That cannot be justice, therefore it cannot be the hand of any just god. Simple math to me.

For whatever reason, we have been planted here on this spinning ball and left (by and large) to fend for ourselves. The true colors of humanity are coming to the forefront, some good, wonderful, kind… many power-mad or simply mad and concerned only with themselves. Either the scale has tipped toward the dark side, or we just never knew how many hurting, broken people there were out there before the internet age. (And by that I mean, the hurting broken ones that decide to turn ugly and act out in various ways.) Not all who wander are lost, not all who are hurting choose to hurt others.

I’ll give this decade one thing, it isn’t going to be boring. Always some new “fresh hell” around the corner. It is what it is.

But there is still GOOD. If anything, I recognize the good now, more than ever. Good people. Good hearts. Heroes. Innocence that we don’t want to see destroyed. Hope, faith, gentleness, self-control… it does still exist. It stands out, now, and I mean the True, the Real, not just those that claim a particular faith, but the Real shows up and comes through. Those that are genuine and kind are beacons of hope in an ever-maddening world. And they exist in any and every area. These are my truest heroes. In these are where I place my hope.

I once thought only those in church (of faith) were the good ones. Then I thought those of faith were the deluded ones. And now I know that we are all one people, each doing the very best we can with what we know. Each choosing how best to cope, how to maintain our hearts, our kindness, in whatever way we choose, and we are fortunate to be able to do so. Those who cope, they each find their way… and those who cannot cope… I only hope they don’t allow despair to turn them to darkness, meanness, selfishness, hate.

We are (as humans) forever looking for pat answers, the black and white of it all, but we live in GRAY so there is this disconnect. The pat answers don’t speak to the gray, the real life issues and problems. The real people. We like our organization, to tick all the boxes, sum people up and file them away, but we are so much more than that. People are so much more than a checkmark.

If only we opened our eyes to what and who we could be to and for each other, stopped the dividing lines, and began to embrace each other again. Sometimes what is so hard, is seeing what it could be… what we could be. I see it. It seems an unreachable goal, but I can almost taste it.

But here we are, in the gray, and it is what is. Peace to you all, my friends. Stay safe and love each other.

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Short & Sweet

Daily (almost) blog

I didn’t blog at all yesterday but gonna let myself off the hook since it was Mother’s Day. I had a pretty great day (though it was a bit rainy here). We played games on the PS4, talked to family, etc. At bedtime I had one of those times when I got super-tickled about something weird I did or said and laughed myself silly, like could not stop laughing, had Bill laughing, it was hysterical. So that was fun. So glad he gets me when I crack myself up. Glad it cracks him up, too.

Life is so much less stressful when I don’t think about the virus mess so much. We do what we can do, and then I’ve been letting go of the rest. I tend to carry the burdens of the world sometimes, and I shouldn’t. Well, I can’t. Not for long. So, taking care of me and mine, doing our part to care and pray for others, donate, etc., then we just go on with doing our lives.

When I don’t bump up against the judgment of someone else, someone who knows nothing about me, or someone with limited perspective, I do really well. Lesson learned.

Whatever you’re dealing with today, I hope you make it through with a little peace, a little joy, a little patience, and lots of love.

Peace Out

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Almost Normal

A good Saturday.

There’s a line in the movie Beverly Hills Ninja where Chris Rock’s character says something like, “Man, every time I leave my house, everywhere I go, there’s someone waiting there to kick my ass.” I haven’t watched that movie in years but apparently that line stuck with me. Cuz I do feel like that sometimes. Metaphorically speaking.

Definitely social media feels like that. Many of us have become careful about what we say, because no matter what it is, there’s someone out there that not only disagrees with you, but wants to kick your ass about it. It’s so tiring. And it happens now more than ever before as we have become so divided. That’s one reason why I’ve started blogging here more rather than saying all my “word vomit” right there on Facebook. I figure the amount of people who will actually care what I have to say enough to click through is small and even the ones who do, rarely want to leave a comment. Hey, cool with me, cuz –if ya can’t say something nice, don’t say nothing at all–works for me.

Me and hubs spent a lot of time outside earlier and even went for a ride in the car, windows down and music blaring. It felt almost, dare I say it, normal. We went over and looked at the ocean but didn’t get out of the car, just drove around a bit. Things are really starting to open up over at the beach area, more and more people are going to the beaches even though they still have the boardwalk and the parking areas blocked off, which makes no sense to me, but there ya go. Seems to me that if ya can plop your chair down and sit on the beach, that’s no worse by parking your car nearby or being able to walk the boardwalk, but I guess they don’t agree.

We’re thinking and hoping to go to the beach in a couple weeks time (we saw some areas that were completely deserted where we could go and still be away from everyone.) It will be nice to do that again. We still plan to avoid restaurants (except take-out) for a bit longer and are staying away from everyone for a while yet. To each their own, I suppose, but we will make our own decisions on where to go and when. (We should live in the ‘show me” state cuz we are big on waiting and watching.) We seem to be down to one new case a day in our county, so I hope the low numbers continue to go down.

Meanwhile, as I said, today has felt nearly normal and we have been needing some of that. The emotional wear and tear on people can be so devastating, but I know people have different thoughts on when and where they go. We’re just taking it slow and easy. It helps me so much mentally just to get outside and get some sun. Hubby will be good once he can start on an outdoor project he has been wanting to get started on, which should happen soon. I think I worry about him more than me (as far as how we’re coping.) I guess because I am so much more used to being at home a lot and not seeing other people for days or weeks at a time. My social butterfly is struggling. Not sleeping well, etc. He’s good, I mean I really think he is, but it’s just so new and different for him. And in the midst of it all, we both realize how incredibly fortunate we are compared to some who have lost jobs, loved ones, etc.

Gratitude helps.

I guess Almost Normal will have to suffice for this weekend, and oh yeah, Happy Mother’s Day  to any Moms out there. I hope you are being loved on. 

Love and safe hugs to all my buds out there! Hang in there.

Peace Out

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Blog from the Belly of the Beast

“If the world was ending you’d come over, right?” sings Julia Michaels. The song has deeper meaning than ever. I don’t personally believe the world is ending but it most definitely is changing. Mother Earth is catching a break and a breath in the middle of all of this.

I believe  that God or Spirit or the Universe (whatever you choose to call it) tries to speak to us. We’re continually being stretched, there are lessons we are supposed to learn. For a while I’ve been banging the drum about walking away from dogma, from man-made boxes and labels. The most glaring examples are found in religion and politics. You MUST pick a box, we are told, then sign your life away to everything that box stands for. Everyone outside this box and those in other boxes are the enemy. We must stay away, lest we “catch” what they have. And ultimately, name-calling, villifying, and eventually murder and war. What little predictable ants we are.

I will never go back to that way of thinking. I get called all sorts of things, and sometimes on social media, I feel as though I look behind me as I run and I am being chased by throngs of people carrying labels and boxes. They fling them at me. “Liberal! Socialist! Hippie! Right-wing nut-job!” All depending on what I’ve said that has set them off.

I used to (and sometimes still) try to explain my mindset to others, but it always, every time, leads to the labeling and name-calling, judging, writing me off. There are a precious few who seem to love me in spite of who I am, not sure anyone loves me for exactly who I am. Maybe God and my hubs. Maybe a precious few. So for this “hippie” who has learned many tough lessons on how to be fiercely independent and deal with being, at times, all alone with myself and my thoughts, it’s just one more thing. One more thing that labels me “different”.

This pandemic is forcing others to sit still, to think, to ponder, maybe go inside and ponder deeper things (which is what I spend most of my time doing.) Fear becomes a monstrous beast, and even those claiming to be the most faithful are running scared. Hoarding. Taking care of “Number One” and not thinking about the needs of others. If you do voice concern for others, out come those label-makers… Look out!

We have the people who are doomsday preppers, totally in their element right now, driven by the beast of fear. Many in denial, can’t possibly be true, can’t possibly affect ME, can’t be happening, I’ll ignore it and it’ll go away. Then there are the young or just plain frightened, the broken, completely confused, curled up in a fetal position, waiting for the next shoe or belt to fall. They’ve always believed the world a harsh and scarey place and this latest madness only confirms it.

I’ve seen them, though. The calm, the peaceful, the ones who see what’s happening full well, and rise to the occasion. Those who reach out, no matter the cost. If I have to shelter at this time in a box, I’ll move in with these people. They’re out there helping people online, or working as nurses or doctors. Driving across the country or filling shelves for us. Checking out groceries when they’d rather be anywhere else. They write things about how to calm ourselves, give Yoga and meditation lessons, art lessons, do live online meet-ups so we can still find some way to huddle together. They’re not being positive because they’re in denial, they see the bigger picture. That people need people right now. They need the voices of calm reason and hope and love. I’ll be in that number, I’ll be a helper in any way I can.

As soon as I realized that going about my business could mean that I was spreading the virus, even if I had no symptoms, I began to re-organize my life. I learned the phrase “Flatten the Curve” and I know that the faster we isolate ourselves, the faster we will all be over this. Other countries have been overwhelmed and doctors have had to sit and watch patients die because their resources were stretched too thin.

It’s a surreal time to be alive on planet earth.

But there have been many such times in history, times of crisis. Times when those around you get to see who you really are. Each morning we choose fear or hope. We choose who and what we will be, not just for ourselves but to the world at large.

And finally, here are some Introverting tips from a Pro:

* Make lists. Chore lists, and fun stuff lists.

*Read. You no longer have an excuse not to.

*Stretch, Meditate and/or pray, exercise

*If you can get sun while isolating, do so. It helps everything.

*Grab some paper and write or draw or journal. It can be very helpful to put pen in hand and just let it rip. Intuitively creating is at its best when you’re alone.

*Listen to your favorite music. (Dance. Yes, dance.)

*Netflix and chill (or whatever you have to watch.)

*One Day at a Time (Don’t get caught up in what-ifs and tomorrows, take care of right now, today.)

*Choose Love. Choose Hope. (Oh and please, put away the label-maker.)