Tag: boundaries

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Late July (like my favorite cracker brand)

Haven’t blogged in ages but I’ve been writing in my journals; you remember– longhand. A lost art. Somehow it vibes differently.

We are in the midst of moving house. We’re taking advantage of the wild market and making a move that should set us up nicely for our future. Wouldn’t have even thought of it, but for the market going nuts and the interest rates being so low. We finally decided a move would be adventurous and we still had just enough adventure left in us to do so (though now I’m beginning to wonder… I may be getting too old for this.) Will soon close on our current home and hope to be in new one by mid-August.

So many lessons we learn in this life… patience, gratitude, living in the present moment… all good things. Annoying AF on the way to learning them. But good things.

We’ve been getting out and about more since we got vaxxed but I am concerned about the world at large. I get why some don’t maybe want to get vaxxed but also believe they have then a huge responsibility to wear masks and be responsible. Some claim to be against fear, and yet are so afraid of the vaccine. Makes no logical sense to me. I certainly don’t live in fear. But I do take my responsibilities to my fellow man seriously. I came to the conclusion that there IS NO perfect answer. Sometimes life is hard and it sucks and there are viruses and all manner of bad things that happen. Virus–BAD. Side effects–if you get them from vaccine–BAD. It’s a crapshoot. Such is life on planet earth and it is not for the feint of heart.

I have friends and family that have chosen not to vaccinate. I don’t necessarily agree with their decision, but in such bizarre times I am finding more and more that I do not want to judge the actions of others. They are where they are, I am where I am. Each of us must decide for ourselves, along with a million other decisions every day, large and small. In such times, I conclude, I have no right to judge. We all do the best we can with what we know. The best we can in our own lives. Trying to force everyone (or anyone) to believe as I do has only left me with a headache from banging my head on the wall. To be trite, YOU do YOU and I’ll do me.

For a while there I shut a lot of people out. I tend to do that–push people away that disagree with me–but eventually you will find yourself very alone doing such a thing. I’ve always kinda been a “Why can’t we all just get along?” kinda gal. So I am trying to put that into practice. There are so many people out there that I find so many things to love about–and have to stop letting one or two small differences keep me from friendship. They say “No man is an island” and I have truly tried to be one (outside of my family) I have shut many people out. I have had impossible standards at times. I am trying to get over it. This f-ing virus and political fighting has done so much to destroy us and beat us down and pit us against one another, I wonder if we as a country will ever really get over it.

And when I pop my head out and look around and the BS fighting and politics and fear-mongering is all I see, it’s way too easy to cocoon myself away again. But I will keep doing some of that under the heading of Self Care or Boundaries or Knowing My Limits. I only have so much emotional and physical energy these days and I flat out refuse to give it away on drama and nonsense. So maybe some of the “keeping people at arm’s length” isn’t all bad…? Maybe? Depending on what they bring to the relationship. Come at me with love, patience, humor, empathy and understanding, and we will get along. Come my way with judgment, drama, hatred, bigotry, or ignorance and you will see me pulling back. I guess in the end, a girl’s gotta do what a girl’s gotta do.

I hope you are all coping well and making good decisions and finding and keeping your peace. Stay well, my friends, and peace out.

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Daily Blog Mon June 8 Coming Into the Light

Think I’ll make this another edition of “Things I’ve Learned” as well.

*There are no 2 people that are ever going to agree on everything and despite what social media tries to teach us, it’s okay.

*I seem to be drawn to good people, genuine people with awesome hearts (even when we don’t agree on every single thing on Earth.) I click with people or not. I value vulnerability, a recognition that none of us get out of this life with no scars. None of us are perfect and who gets to define “perfect” anyway? (Probably no-one.)

*Though I’ve been victimized in the past, that doesn’t make me a victim. I’m a survivor. Over the last twelve or fifteen years, I’ve been working on myself a ton, (some therapy, lots of just plain old hard work getting it together and processing old stuff and figuring out who I am now.) I feel like I was stuck in a certain area of growth for many, many years and it required me to push through some things, un-bury, feel, and push through.

To the outsider I know this has looked a bit odd, and some who genuinely care about me haven’t known what was up. I finally feel like I’m coming out of a tunnel, stepping into the light. And if I can feel good about that or anything at this moment in time with all that the world is going through, it must be real.

*Remember back in the pre-internet days when we could meet someone and like them and NOT argue about everything all the time? Let’s ponder. That was friendship.

*For many, maybe most years of my life, I bent over backwards to fit in, burying my own thoughts, feelings, and opinions. Tried to always be NICE. Easy to get along with, never make trouble. I’ve let others think and speak for me for waaayyy tooo long. I don’t do that anymore. (Still pretty nice unless ya push me.) I have boundaries, oh and thoughts and opinions. They may not line up with yours.

Because I felt censored most of my life, told what to believe and what to say, I don’t take kindly to it nowadays. That means you’re probably always gonna know what I think. I described it to a friend once as “feeling like someone has always been trying to put a hand over my mouth… forever.” I’m the only one who gets to censor me now.

*One truth for me is that I believe with all of my heart that women should be treated equally with men in rights and respect. Same pay, listened to the same as men, have the same opportunities as men. Women have been treated as objects for far too long and they’ve often had better hearts, more compassion, and at times have more intelligence and qualifications than their male peers or bosses. Not always, sometimes. It needs to stop. Good men need to start standing up for good women. Standing up against their peers who would make perverted jokes about women, mistreat them, or abuse them.

Until good men stand with us, things will never change. Stop worrying about being a “bro” and start being a decent human being. As a popular comedian Hannah Gadsby once said, “Men, Pull your socks up!”

(I know some of these good men and I’m ever-so thankful for them and we need so many more.) Of course the same is true for any or every minority. Good people have got to start standing up for every minority, stand in front of them when necessary. Only then will things change. Now is not the time to stay silent in the face of hatred, bigotry, prejudice, or misogyny.

There was a sign in my kid’s bedroom while they were growing up, it said, “Stand up for what is right, even if you stand alone.” I still believe this. (And I’m proud of my kids, and I believe they have lived this out.) Character. Integrity. It matters.

Come on out into the light. It’s warm here. The sun is shining.

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Precious Peace

Just chilling out today, went over to the beach for the first time since… a few days before lockdown in March. Ohmigoodness it was heaven. The sound of the waves and the wind was incredibly peaceful and good for my very soul.

Last night I kept “writing” an article or part of a future book in my head as I was trying to sleep and hate when that happens so much. They say, “get up and write it down before you lose it” which is great advice but I was just too tired. Now I’m trying to remember it all. Ah, such is a writer’s life I suppose.

I’m about 80% sure I’ll be writing a non-fiction book about life, my life, and boundaries in the near future. I have a lot to say. (I don’t know if anyone will care, but as we writers say, if it’s in you get it out!) It’s the only way to quiet my brain, get it all out and down.

This last week or so has been so peaceful. Best thing I ever did was back off the Facebook some, and even more than that, blocking and unfollowing people that stress me out constantly. I’ve been able to focus in on self-care and surround myself with people that think even a little bit more like me. It feels like a huge sigh. Trying to let my shoulders come back down where they belong instead of up around my ears all the time. Peace. Precious peace. I love it, crave it, can’t live without it.

Interesting to me how different people find their peace, and from what I’ve observed, many never do. Once you taste it though, you will have to make it a priority in your life. Unfortunately, it often requires- (you guessed it), firm boundaries around yourself and your life. Until I began to have boundaries for myself, I never understood fully how many people don’t have them, and have convinced themselves, (or someone else has convinced them) that it’s somehow wrong or sinful or mean to set rules around your life, to put the fence up. You’ll fence your yard but won’t protect your own heart and life. Stinky thinking.

Self-care is a bad word (or phrase) among many communities and people groups. “Thinking about yourself first is selfish.”

Wrong.

It’s absolutely necessary. If you are not whole and good and well, you are of no use to anyone else anyway. Or worse, you’re doing damage to them, or they’re doing damage to you, (and you’re letting them, because you’re NICE.) One thing I have learned is that the people who truly love and value you in your life will absolutely mind your boundaries and stay in your life and often respect you more for it. (Or, the ones who decide to go, you must let them go.) And some will. And some you will ask to leave, and that’s OKAY.

People will treat you exactly how you allow them to.

Just had to bold that one. Crucial.

The falsehood that we have to put up with being treated badly is one that has been perpetuated since the beginning of time. So many are treated as if they are worthless or simply worth less than others. And they’ve been treated that way for so long, they believe it and accept that it’s true. If you don’t value you, how can you expect anyone else to?? If you don’t know and understand your worth, you’ll never convince anyone else of it.

A boundary is simply saying, “No. You may come this far and no further. You may not come into my inner circle and criticize me or put me down or hurt me.” I was certainly one that never learned this as a child, and many weren’t and still aren’t being taught that it is okay and even necessary to say No sometimes. Children are taught to always listen to and obey adults. In my parent’s generation, it was taught in order to teach children respect. Respect is a very good thing. But in today’s world, we absolutely cannot allow our children out into the world without the skills to do everything they can to protect themselves. We have to do better at teaching and training them to recognize bad or wrong behavior, something or someone that feels “off” often is.

Many, if not most of us, could tell stories of times adults (other than our parents, or in some cases, it is the parents), such as a teacher or scout leader or someone in authority over us- treated us in an unacceptable way. We were also taught that you obey your teachers, elders always, upon fear of death. (Not literally, but you get the idea.) These falsehoods we are taught as children are the beginning of teaching us that we have no power or control over ourselves, our bodies, what happens to us. We’re not to stand up for ourselves or others. Always be kind, behave, be polite, be respectful. Well, yeah, most of the time, but certainly not always. There are times for a loud “No!” It’s necessary for proper health and safety.

In the last several years, I am learning to more automatically bring those walls up, (yes, some walls are good). For someone as sensitive and empathic and empathetic as I am, they have quite literally saved me.

Who gets in and who doesn’t? Well, that’s the question, isn’t it? And the answer will be different for each individual person. For me, anyone who is disrespecting me or putting me down, automatically gets the eject button and the walls are up. Anyone who would try to mock or shame me is out. Making fun-nope. Talking down to-Nope. Mansplaining, NO! Misogyny? No, no, Hell no. Go away, far, far away. I know who I am, I know what I deserve. I know what I will and will not allow into my life. Period.

That, my friends, is having boundaries. Let’s talk more about it.

Elbow rubs and blown kisses to you today, my loves. Peace Out!

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Short & Sweet

Daily (almost) blog

I didn’t blog at all yesterday but gonna let myself off the hook since it was Mother’s Day. I had a pretty great day (though it was a bit rainy here). We played games on the PS4, talked to family, etc. At bedtime I had one of those times when I got super-tickled about something weird I did or said and laughed myself silly, like could not stop laughing, had Bill laughing, it was hysterical. So that was fun. So glad he gets me when I crack myself up. Glad it cracks him up, too.

Life is so much less stressful when I don’t think about the virus mess so much. We do what we can do, and then I’ve been letting go of the rest. I tend to carry the burdens of the world sometimes, and I shouldn’t. Well, I can’t. Not for long. So, taking care of me and mine, doing our part to care and pray for others, donate, etc., then we just go on with doing our lives.

When I don’t bump up against the judgment of someone else, someone who knows nothing about me, or someone with limited perspective, I do really well. Lesson learned.

Whatever you’re dealing with today, I hope you make it through with a little peace, a little joy, a little patience, and lots of love.

Peace Out

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What over 30 years of marriage has taught me about love, marriage, and relationships. (Tips for all!)

I married at a very young age, (I’d just turned 18) and I really wanted to get out on my own. That marriage lasted seven years and we had 2 children together. It was tumultuous, pretty much the whole time. After he and I split up and I met and married my main man now (we’ve been married over 30 years), we have a totally different kind of relationship. (We had our daughter together, 3 kids total.) Without getting into too many personal details of the first marriage, I want to share some things I learned TO DO and some things I learned NOT to do.

I’ve found that it is uber important to be friends with your mate. I was at first in the first marriage, but, due to (primarily) myself being so young and both of us growing and changing, it changed the dynamic of that friendship, which was at the core of the relationship as a whole. Once we no longer shared core values, shared interests, or even thought at all alike, things began to break down.

I firmly believe now (and I didn’t when I was a young thing) that finding chemical, physical reaction and attraction with someone is as easy as going shopping for a pair of jeans. I now know that sexual attraction and love are two very, VERY different animals.

When we’re young we have a very idealized, almost fairy tale notion, (maybe more so females, but not always), of what love is, what it looks like, how to get it. Disney has done us no favors here.

We think that at a certain age or time of life, BOOM we’ll just meet “the one” and that will be it, and happily ever after. Anyone over the age of fifty probably has figured out that this is not true in the real world.

One thing I find so toxic in a church environment is the idea that, if you are married and in the church, you are expected to have a somewhat perfect marriage, and if you don’t, and you seek counsel, you will be told to pray more and many scriptures will be bandied around, most of which offer zero real PRACTICAL help. By far, most pastors and church leaders have zero psychological training whatsoever and don’t understand human behavior in the least, let alone how to tell someone to save their marriage. My first husband and I once got pastoral advice that was so bad and so wrong and I wish I could tell you here what it was, but I can’t share it here. It had to do with our physical relationship and not anything at all of any substance. I left there so disillusioned and disappointed.

Often the church “way” is to tell the wife she needs to be more quiet and submissive, too, and I don’t probably have to tell you what I think of that advice.

So whether you would seek counsel and where you seek it from is HUGE.

I’ve learned a ton about marriage and love sharing about it, especially because I know what I know from personal observation, the reading of many books, but most importantly, from personal experience.

I do not believe a relationship where the two involved are not the best of friends (in an environment of love, communication, and mutual respect) will ever work. Period.

At some point the chemistry thing starts to take a back seat to the responsibilities and stresses of day to day life. It isn’t necessarily that the spark is forever gone, but it can certainly feel that way. Once that happens, what do you have left? What’s underneath? That is the 18 million-dollar question.

If you cannot sit down with your partner and discuss openly what’s on your mind, give it up. It’s already over. Communication is the biggest thing (next to friendship and respect) that will keep your relationship alive. Read that paragraph again. Make a poster and hang it somewhere. It is a profound truth.

Once you cross a line of disrespectful behavior (and I mean name-calling, abusive behavior and sometimes even physically or sexually abusive behaviour), it’s over, or at least it should be. Walk out. Get out now.

Unfortunately, many people have come up in homes where this behaviour is considered acceptable and normal. Don’t believe it. You CAN have a good, quality relationship where respect is both earned and demanded. Where it is mutual, where boundaries are observed.

I’m not talking about a surface-y “Ozzie & Harriett” marriage (look it up, young people), that just looks good on the outside where everyone smiles and speaks softly and has dinner at the table together every night, that’s actually quite rare, especially these days. Where nobody ever raises their voice and the children are perfectly behaved little angels and mom and dad don’t drink or cuss or ever do anything wrong. That certainly is nowhere near what most families experience.

I think that knowing and loving yourself well before entering into any marriage or seriously committed relationship is so key. KNOW that you are worthy of respect and dignity. ALWAYS.

Know that you do not have to be treated like crap and you can do life alone and find yourself and be strong if that’s what it takes to be safe and healthy and mentally, emotionally, and physically well. YOU DESERVE A QUALITY person. Know it and believe it. Don’t lower your standards to someone who only looks good or only wants you when it’s convenient for them. Look for the “deep” and the real in anyone you hang out with. 

I’m reading a great book called Women Who Run With the Wolves, and in it they discuss how young, naive women can sometimes cover up or ignore that inner voice that would normally scream, “Predatory male! Alert! Get away!” and they ignore that voice and justify it away because of their fairy-tale ideas of love and relationship. They want someone so badly that they totally ignore all of the warning signs. (Come on, we’ve all seen this, right? Some of us have LIVED this.)

That’s a really great argument for NOT getting married young, chasing your dreams for a few years first and truly figuring out who you are and what you want out of a mate. Learning NOT to stifle that voice of “sense” I believe most of us have or would have or did have, if we did not shove it away.

So, friendship, giving and demanding respect, and communication. That does NOT mean that you won’t each at times lose your temper or get upset or cry or whatever, but early on in every relationship there should be boundaries set, rules of play, if you will. Lines that do not get crossed. Respect is such a thing for me that I would live in a box under a bridge before I’d live with someone who continually and purposefully disrespected me, be it name-calling, or abuse of any kind. I’m better than that. I don’t deserve that. You’re better than that, too. You deserve the best.

Learn to know yourself well enough to communicate and if your partner does not communicate, he or she will have to learn to, or you may as well go home, thank you for playing. Some things you just cannot do without in a loving, lasting relationship. It doesn’t work, and the stats are out there to back me up on this.

I believe nearly every relationship COULD be saved, IF both parties wanted it saved and both were equally willing to put in the work. If they’re not, it won’t be saved. Period. The only alternative is staying in a highly dysfunctional relationship for years or your whole life and being miserable, settling for less than what you want,need, and deserve.

(I did meet the right and best person for me, and you will, too.) Remember that if all you’re looking for is sex, that’s easy-peasy. Attraction is a dime a dozen. If you want real relationship, look for the signs that it may be possible with someone. Do not settle. If it’s broken, fix it. And to be alone is better than to be with the wrong person.

I hope some or any of this is helpful to someone or maybe there is someone you know that could use some of this good stuff. Pass it on. 

*The book I mentioned is by Clarissa Penkola Estes, PhD  

Feel free to email me if you ever want more tips on what makes a marriage great (or any committed relationship). I’d be glad to try to help.

Pammy

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4 29 20 Brain-dump blog on Boundaries, Friendship, and Sugar

Hello world (if there’s anybody out there listening.) Pammy again. As usual, lots on my mind and heart.

Today I feel about 90 percent recovered from whatever virus my body just fought, be it Covid-19 or whatever. That’s good. I have had some stress-related stuff happening (like heartburn, indigestion, etc) and my oh-so-helpful hubby said, “whatever could be happening these days that could be stressing you out?” Lol! He hit the nail on the head. (Sarcasm, it is rampant in our family.)

Just wanted to jot down some thoughts and opinions, as usual. Brain dump, word vomit.

I am in a not-so-peopley mood today. I don’t have the desire or the mental or emotional energy to dive in and engage with people, and though others have “advised” me to take it easy and protect my empathic self (& I’m speaking of the others that I would even begin to listen to-those who care about me) I never listen. That’s my jam. I have to learn every single thing on my own, and come to any knowledge on my own. I think that comes from a combination of being fiercely, stubbornly independent and having a past where I listened to other people only to have them lead me down their own path and not my own. So I am stubborn. I am 56 years old and a grown-ass woman and I listen to my wisdom, my knowledge, my spirit and intuition and my body, above all else. (And, if you’ll permit me to say, the Universe… in a sense.) I believe some of gut and intuition is defined as “God” or “Spirit” or “conscience.”

My body has confirmed what some loved ones have said. I kinda hate when that happens.

So I’m taking it easy this whole week, continuing to recover. I did something today I rarely do… I baked. I don’t bake. Baked goods in my home are like throwing crack in front of an ex-addict. Not that I was ever obese but like most people, I used to love baked sugary things with a passion. Due to years of trying to get my health in order and protect my body/temple from nasty bad stuff, I learned not to bake, not to eat sugar, (or very rarely) and to never ever bake or bring baked goods into my home. (On occasion they appear at parties, etc.), but after years of training myself, I mostly resist and have for some time.

I use Stevia to sweeten everything or it combined with a bit of coconut sugar or unbleached sugar (if I’m really riding the edge, but rarely). I have called sugar “the white devil” for many years, and I do believe it kills us, either slowly or quickly. It feeds obesity, high blood pressure, heart problems, diabetes and cancers.

Most people can tolerate some in moderation but I’ve never been quite normal. I have odd sensitivity and allergic reactions to all sorts of things so my diet has evolved into something most would find to be kind of extreme. I DO get a little in the form of carbs from my protein bars, in oatmeal or yogurt or a small amount in a spaghetti sauce or something of that nature. But empty white sugar is something hubs and I both avoid for our health.

All of that to explain how it is so odd and rare for me to bake. Last Christmas I made my own oatmeal-based cookie recipe, and I made some scones several months ago with high quality organic ingredients, almond and rice flour, etc., and froze them so I could take out and eat one every couple months or so. I loooove baked goods, they are a true comfort food for me, so in order to make life worth living, once in a rare blue moon, I will make something with high-quality ingredients. Today I used a Simple Mills baking blend and made a banana loaf. It was so soothing to my soul.

(Incoming whiplash from sudden subject change–)I’ve been thinking about how difficult relationships are these days. And how most people truly are followers. Not trying to say that in a “bashy” way, but just an observation. I think most people are usually so busy with the day in and day out responsibilities of life that they don’t take the time to think, mull, meditate, learn, grow. They don’t have or make the time. So in modern society it becomes so easy to quickly grasp your faith or belief systems off of a shelf like at a grocery store. “I’ll take that one. That sounds good and right.” They take it home and put it in its place and they rock it for the rest of forever. Same with worldviews and political affiliations. They never ever stop to ask the deeper questions or try to see another point of view. They’ve been taught that this is wrong or somehow unfaithful.

So not where I am.

Choosing to blaze a trail is a lonely proposition. Getting to a place where you know that you know that you can no longer follow the mainstream or go with the flow in good conscience, knowing that you must stand for your own thoughts, follow the beat of your own drum… it’s a solitary thing. And the trail you blaze may never ever be followed by another. And on top of that thought, is, the thought that it’s okay and everyone should have their very own.

But it is very lonely. Friendship is hard. Relationship is hard. Even in the middle of a community of like-minded people, such as a country club, organization, or church. Friendship is always hard. But when you don’t feel that you have any sense of a “tribe” or community, it can be, well, rough.

I’ve been going through trying to keep a very few old friendships alive and I am finding that one of the hardest things ever since I have totally changed myself and my worldview. People think I’m nuts or just plain disagree, and then they want to argue about it. I love to sit, one on one, and talk with anyone about anything, in a calm, respectful environment, but social media is not at all conducive to such things.

The small handful of girlfriends that I felt, at a time in the past, I connected deeply with, now feel they can’t relate to me in one way or another. As I said, friendship is hard and going your own way is hard.

Lately I have unfollowed some people and on rare occasions, blocked some, on social media, and that is absolutely about my mental health. I don’t hate. But feeling my ulcers return or my blood pressure rise or that vein in my head begin to throb… that’s something I’m going to shut down because I take care of me. Sometimes ya gotta let people go. It breaks my heart but we each must be allowed to be who we are and we deserve to be loved as we are.

Those precious few from my past, they know who they are (and may or may never read this blog) but if you choose to “hang” with me, know that I need you to accept me where I am, and there are certain things I will need you to avoid talking about because it is just too upsetting to me. Those that would choose to have me go backwards to the person I was must stay away. I am not, and I will not. Indeed, I cannot. 

So I have been looking for a new “tribe” of friends. (I put “tribe” in quotation marks because I had a whole discussion once with someone from another country and what the word means here in America as opposed to someone on the other side of the world.) I mean Group of Friends.

I am finding neighbors here in Florida that I dearly love but I always make it very clear from the get-go, who I am and what I believe. I am becoming close with one or two. My social media pages have always been a window to the world for me, and I have begun in the last couple years, to finally lose followers who vehemently disagree with who I am now and I’m finding those I better connect with all over the world. I love artists and writers, but it’s certainly not a requirement. I love deep, real people. Those who strive for vulnerability and honesty laced with love and compassion. I’m beginning to find some.

What a process it has been, and will be. If you stick around, I am so grateful, but I can no longer base my life on the approval of others. If we connect we do, if we don’t we don’t, go in peace.

But I will not surround myself with constant strife. This will not happen. Cuz, (what am I always banging on about?) Boundaries!!

Peace Out, world.

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Ramble: I’m Totally Spaghetti

Hello my lovely buds. Throat has been so sore. My voice is leaving me. I can’t wait for whatever this is to leave me. But today my mind has been very active and my spirit and soul are well. I am constantly having things pop into my head I want to jot down so I’ll probably be having some long posts for a bit. (The steroids are making my mind very active!)

To touch on another mindset that I felt was toxic (from my previous life) I want to talk a bit about confidence versus humility. I’ve worked so hard on myself these last ten years or so and have gone a long way towards healing a lot of bad gunk (toxic lessons) I felt that were either purposefully or inadvertently pounded into my head over the years, and realize this was my life experience I’m sharing, which includes church experiences and life experiences and a sum total of all of my experiences. 

I was, twenty years ago, a person with very limited confidence, and can at times feel that ghost over my shoulder. I like to shoo it away when that happens. One of the things that happens when you do the work on YOU is you begin to know yourself very well. Sometimes we have such a little sense of self that we cannot even tell ourselves what we are good at, what we excel at, without wincing. I used to always say things in a self-deprecating manner. There is a time and place for some of that, and it does seem to demonstrate modesty and humility, at least on the surface. But I believe it can feed negative thoughts and perceptions in your brain if done too often or in the wrong circumstance. It took me forever to just say “thank you” when someone would compliment me. I’d stammer and turn red, and try to explain why I wasn’t pretty or I wasn’t good at such-n-so at all. I’ve done some good work there.

I know what I’m good at and what I suck at. I don’t have near as much of an issue about taking a compliment, especially in an area where I feel secure about myself. I’m secure that I am an average (at least) good-looking woman. I have great hair. See? That didn’t kill me or anyone else. I know that I excel at writing. I may not be the best in the universe but I’m good at it and I don’t have a problem with saying it sometimes (if it comes up.) It is NOT (in my way of thinking) less than humble to know your strengths and weaknesses. I am certainly NOT as confident in every area of my life. (What’s that saying? Be brave enough to suck at something new), and that’s so true. 

Not being allowed to admit, even to myself, that I was a good person, or that I was good at anything was pretty devastating to my self-esteem. I did not feel allowed to do so, not by any of my experiences. It has taken me a bit to get over that. I am over it.

The times I do feel insecure are 1) around new people or large groups of people, especially ones I don’t know,  2) doing something new that I’m unsure I’ll be good at, and being afraid of someone calling me out for not being good at it.  (Nobody likes being called out for weaknesses or lack of talent.) And that touches on perfectionism, and I am a recovering perfectionist. Those are two that come easily to mind. I am getting better at sharing the “less than pretty” parts of me without worrying about the opinions of others. 

Vulnerability. It’s a thing.

I know that I have come out of being a teenager who craved attention so badly that I ended up being in some very bad and painful circumstances. I used to blame myself for that, but one learns to give oneself grace (or hopefully one does). I’ve long-since forgiven myself for anything I DID do, and have put the blame for people who hurt me squarely where it belongs. I know my own past, so I know that craving attention could be a trap for me. (I am a Leo, after all, at times, a self-confessed drama queen) so this is an area that I have to guard in myself carefully. I have learned to watch for the signs and catch myself out.

Am I bending too far to fit in with someone I do NOT even need to be around? And BOOM, you see where that connects directly to setting boundaries. I have to give myself the boundary of not going too far in a bad direction for the benefit of someone else, especially someone who may well not have my best interest at heart. I tend to be empathetic and I do care, so that leads sometimes to bending over backwards to let everyone have total access to me, and of course that can be a bad thing at times. It will WEAR YOU OUT. As an empath I do have to guard my energy (physical, emotional, spiritual) very closely. It’s why, if I do not connect with someone on some sort of deep level, or if someone is very against me or something I stand for (negative energy) I will get away from them quickly now. I finally learned to do that. Life-saving lesson.

Amazing how that connected up to what I was talking about on earlier posts. (Men are waffles and women are spaghetti, right? Cuz I’m totally spaghetti.)

Peace Out til the next installment!

🙂

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Blog Saturday April 25th 20 On life, boundaries, and my exodus from church (finding myself)

Hello my lovelies. Dang I feel emotionally better today, but last night…. Oooohhh

Last night I had a full-on meltdown that I’m quite sure would look like a nervous breakdown of sorts. It wasn’t. I am a person who was taught to always stuff down their emotions so in recent years I am learning to let them out when they need to come out. I’ve gotten up to crying 3 times a year! Yippee! I had not cried in sooo long and not at all since this virus was let loose on the world.

I’ve had a lot of training over the years and motherhood is a great teacher, too, in being strong, taking care of others, meeting their needs at the cost of your own, etc. For all of these reasons I have had to learn how to heal my own insides, to process these strong emotions when they come and take care of me. (The only way out is through. That’s my new mantra.)

So while still hiccup crying, I got on my laptop and typed a 2 page document where I spewed (talk about word vomit!) all my junk out. Every single sentence began with the word “Fuck.”

That’s normally not how I roll, but it was a long-time coming and indeed, it was good. So cathartic. I kinda want to share that document (that’s just my need to be seen and understood) but I think I’ll keep that to myself, or maybe print it out, then journal over it (draw and paint over it). BTW, it was amazing therapy so if there are things you need to get out but don’t feel you can tell anyone, write or type them out, then shred them or do whatever with them. It helps so much.

I had a great online appointment with my primary care doc yesterday, and it’s quite possible I have the ‘rona. I definitely have a virus that is attacking my lungs. I missed the time slots available to go to our closest drive-up testing center, and that one won’t open until Wednesday. There’s another in Daytona Beach, if I get desperate to know (for my own knowledge) if it is Covid-19 or some other virus. That one is opened on Monday. The doc says it is all academic as long as I am isolating and doing all the things the doc tells me to do (etc). I don’t need to go to the hospital unless I take a big turn for the worse (higher fever, cannot breathe even with all these meds and nebulizer) and if that were to happen, I’d go to the hospital. They would test me there at that time. The results take a week to get back, so pretty academic. It may well be gone – should be gone- in that time frame. Only occasionally and sporadically do I seem to have any fever, and it is low, one or two points above normal. I’m actually dealing well, and don’t expect any need for any hospital visits anytime soon. I’m a fighter and have had to fight illness a lot. This time feels a bit different in the lungs which makes me think it may well be Covid-19, but it doesn’t matter so long as I don’t share it with others and take care of myself. I’ll see how I feel Monday about getting the test.

That’s out of the way, so now let’s talk about boundaries. And women with boundaries, specifically. Do you have them? If you don’t, get some. They will absolutely change/save your life. Also gonna touch on my worldview and some of things I’ve learned along my journey.

It took me way too long and I dealt with way too much BS in my life before I learned to say “No!” and loudly at times. Unfortunately we are often taught (especially us gals) that it is unseemly, unacceptable, “unChristian” or wrong to stand up for ourselves in any way. “Sit still, look pretty” describes a lot of my earlier years of life. (I didn’t feel pretty, still often don’t) but still got the feeling that we women were for looking at and having sex with, and hey, if you can find a meek and mild one, maybe marry her and have babies. (In the kitchen, barefoot and pregnant, cooking dinner!) Yeah, I do come from that kind of a background. Not bashing anyone who does the housewife and mom thing, I did it for a long time, but this is more about how the male of the species sees women in general. We (and often children) were to be seen and not heard. Arm candy. Trophy wife. All of those things. Took me a loooong time to get my head on straight about who and what I am as a woman and the value that I (we) have. Our power has been stripped and we need to reclaim it. We are just as pushed down as any race or ethnic group in some ways. (Not to say I understand AT ALL what it would be like to be a woman AND a person of color.) And for power to be stripped one must have it in the first place.

Part of my research over the last few years has been deeper into religion, ancient scrolls and the like. I found out that women were actually a huge part of the Christian leadership in the very early days of Christianity. Because of the misogyny of that time, and let’s face it, forever, when men came in and took over, they relegated women back into the kitchen and into servitude. Of course, women wanting to serve Christ gladly did what they could to serve (and do today.) Many modern denominations, maybe most, do not allow women in positions of leadership and certainly don’t allow them to speak from the pulpit. Archaic, misogynistic and wrong in my thinking. If you ever want to be truly valued in your gifts, talents, and leadership skills, I daresay it won’t happen in most churches. Even if they put you into a position of authority, most of the men in the congregations would take issue. This is stinky and wrong. (I come from a background of volunteering and being on paid staff at a church for many years.)

This leads into my lifeview and worldview making a 180 in a lot of things. Misogyny in the church did not start my defection from Christianity, just an observation. Much of my research and reading led me to believe that the bible as we have it today (and Catholics have one type, protestants another, and other denominations and religion still others) is not completely accurate and certainly is not holy or to be worshipped. Is it a good book with lots of stories and inspirational stuff? Yes. Some history? Yes, some accuracy? Yes, I believe that. I no longer see it as infallible, and even found up to 1200 plus instances where it contradicts itself. Scrolls were intentionally left out and people just blindly accept that that was “of God”. I don’t believe it. One thing I do know is humanity, and it always has its own agenda. Not trying to change anyone’s mind here, just sharing my life, thoughts, views.

As you might imagine, my spiritual life has taken many twists and turns (if you look back over a lot of my older posts, I rant a lot about my feelings, the changes, how hard it has been on me to turn the Titanic of my belief systems around, how painful it was to make the decision to leave mainstream Christianity, etc.) Lots of word vomit, talking it out, etc. Painful experience in many ways but absolutely a growth experience for me. 

For a while I came close to Christian-bashing and being against any kind of faith. (I still get “triggered” when people quote scripture at and to me, especially in that surfacey trite way “Oh just pray more and the bible says yada yada, there, now you are all fixed.” or “If you were just more spiritual, better, more perfect like Christ, you’d be fine, ya filthy lost sinner.” It’s all very triggering to me, I no longer believe all that most of mainline Christianity believes, and therefore have chosen NOT to align myself with the Christian church overall.

I still struggle with any kind of faith issues. I continue to study lots of different religions, ideologies, etc. I am fascinated with how people all over the world see God, how they find him, how they worship, etc. I would call myself a “seeker of truth” (not an organization but a philosophy) and have zero tolerance for others thinking they have cornered the market on truth. I call BS.

I am more loving (believe it or not) than I have ever been and have a great love for all of humanity. When I weep it is often for all of humanity and what we do to each other. I carry a big burden about all of those things. It matters to me.

I am just now getting to a place where I can “tolerate” for lack of a better term, being around people who are very deep into Christianity and quote scripture at everyone, everything, every problem. I’m trying to heal in that area and accept people for who they are as I want to be accepted for who I am.

I learned a lot in churches, had many positive experiences, but for me, in hindsight, there were a lot of wrong toxic principles and beliefs that I am still trying to heal from. Misogyny and under-valuing women is only one of those things. But I deal with that in every area and aspect of life.

If you are very entrenched in your beliefs in Christianity, we may never truly connect, and I have explained a tiny bit, a microscopic bit of all of the reasons why. But if you are kind, compassionate, open-minded, and if you find we connect on some level, that’s all good. I like to have friends from many different walks of life, and I do have (all over the world). You do you and I’ll do me. 

Anyway, this is already long but just to touch again on boundaries and finish my thought. We women and really everyone, have got to learn to establish boundaries that say, “You may come this far and no further.” A boundary is like screaming, “No!! You may not!!” with an outstretched hand. It’s like having a bodyguard (but the bodyguard is you.) I want to talk about this more in future posts but I think I’m gonna rest now. Self-care is a GOOD thing.

Love you all. Stay strong. Be mindful of others and take care of YOU.

Peace Out.

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Pammy’s Blog/Ramble 1,254 April 23 20

Talk about having a lot of time to rant and ramble and navel gaze. Introspection has been my jam largely over the last 15 years and most especially the last four or five and now from the middle of a global pandemic. The following will be an amalgamation of my current thoughts, musings, and my overall health and well-being.

I’ve had lung mess off and on a lot, and was sick in the lungs and coughing for a full 2 years. Yes, literally. This 2 year time frame began to come to an end and I began to feel better around summer 2019. Since then my lungs had been amazing, super well, almost healthier than ever as I’d tightened down my already tight eating habits and had indeed dedicated my entire year 2019 to getting well and healthy. It had begun to work and I turned a corner.

Now, since February or so of this year, (when our allergy season begins here in Central Florida) I’ve had throat and lung mess off and on continually. I get super phlegmy, sometimes a sore throat, and then it will start to move into my lungs. Then it goes away and gets better. (I take some amazing immune support products and I know that I know that these have saved my life many times) but recently it just keeps coming and going repeatedly. I’ve not run a high fever and rarely a low grade one. May be related to EBV issues I’ve had, but whatever it is, it distresses me even more NOW because, of course, when you’re in the midst of a pandemic, every time you get sick you are faced with your own mortality and the possibility that this could be “it” and maybe I’ll die and maybe not and maybe I’ll get really, really sick and then get well, or maybe not.

That’s what I’m dealing with physically. Last 2 nights breathing a bit rough. No fever. Productive cough. Using inhaler.

On top of the physical, of course, I, like everyone, have been trying to deal with the mental, emotional, psychological distress, keep an eye on my spirit and soul and look after me.

Over the last several years, I’ve changed, a lot. I know that deep down I am more genuinely ME than I have ever been, but I have learned and am learning to have strong boundaries, and to say what I think and feel. I’ve done and am doing a lot of healing. I know that this looks like a hot mess to those around me, but I can’t care about that. I am getting really good at monitoring my emotional energy levels and protecting my empathic self. Protecting my soul, protecting me. It finally occurred to me after many years that I am the only one who truly can and should do this. I have to establish boundaries, I have to know and love me, and I don’t have to care what that looks like to anyone else.

I know that those few people that were a part of my life 20 years ago that still follow me in any way, are confused about who I am and what’s going on. Again, I can’t waste energy on that. I have a limited supply. For the most part I say and write things for my own “processing”. But if anyone who really knows, loves, and cares about me, maybe that small percentage of those who follow me that do–that follow me for more than pure entertainment value–will get something out of reading this junk I write. Ultimately, I do it for me, though.

I have been seeking my new “tribe” for a while now. I have to surround myself only with those who truly have my interest and my back, those that I truly connect with in some way NOW today, the person I am and am becoming. I have lost many friends, some who genuinely were friends and some that were acquaintances, but I have NEEDED to let them go and in some cases actually push them away. I am doing this for my own good and my own health.

I finally feel like I am beginning to find a new tribe. I have found that writers and artists, most especially those who are not overly religiously zealous, are making up a large part of it. But it is not mandatory that someone NOT be a religious person in order to be my friend, in fact, I have two particularly close friends that are still very into their Christian faith, but I find it harder and harder to relate to them or connect because that’s not where I’m at these days, and actually find a lot of “religiosity” and Christianeze to be highly annoying, (to be honest) but I always try to see a person’s heart and motivation. I understand the viewpoint of being deeply embedded in right-wing Christianity because I was there for many years of my life. 

But my life, my worldview, my belief systems have dramatically changed over fifteen or twenty years, and I fully understand that in a Christian perspective, this makes me lost, backslidden, and plain wrong. I do not believe that, not in any way or form. I am stronger, healthier (mentally and emotionally and spiritually) than I have ever been, regardless of how it looks to others. And no, I don’t need to explain it or justify it.

I am walking my own path and journey of growth, it’s nobody else’s. Don’t get it? Too bad. (Boundaries! Yay!)

I do not like to cut people out of my life but have done so and will continue to if I need to to protect myself from toxicity or even just to STOP feeling like people need me to stop and explain myself at every turn. I don’t need to.

I have a global worldview. I have friends that I chat with all over the world. Kind, loving, genuine people with large hearts and tons of love for others. When you open your heart to those that are different, you begin to grow and see things differently. I now know more about what I look for in a friend than I ever have. It’s not a common belief system or ideology always, but it is people who are real, vulnerable and genuine. I tend to have instant connections with such folk. It’s what I have always strived to be.

I thought it’d be fun to share some things about me, so you can know if we have points of connection or not, and if you want to move on, you can, or if I don’t connect with you, I can move on.

All the stuff I shared above (already revealed a lot about me)!

Also, I have been endeavoring to remove all masks and fakery from my life. I want you to see and know the real me. I’ve always strived for this but I’m getting better at it.

If you don’t know already, I’m a writer, poet, retired indie publisher and editor, philosopher of sorts, and very deep thinker. I’m a “wordy”. Only in recent years I’ve found a love for art, painting, art journaling and the like.

I love people. I also can’t tolerate being around many of them for very long. If I don’t connect on some sort of deep level, I move on.

I don’t like to lump people into “I hate this person, they’re the devil” kind of categories. That’s anger and hatred and I don’t need blind hatred in my life. I believe everyone (almost everyone) has some good in them and aren’t awful all the time. Me or you can be a jerk one day and do something wonderful the next. I do believe there is evil in the world but I think very few people are truly completely evil. (And many of them are sociopaths with psychological problems or brain malfunction, which doesn’t mean you shouldn’t stay away from them.) Noting of course that some people are so broken and damaged that they break and damage others.

So I’m drawn to people who are more sensible in this area.

I’m drawn to practicality, scientific fact, and a lack of deceit or true malice.

I’m very discerning and (usually) can spot a fraud a mile away. I remember even as a teen, laughing in people’s faces at some of the mess they would say to try to manipulate me. Not saying I cannot be manipulated but it would be harder with me than the average Jane.

I don’t have many friends because I don’t put up with crap. Period.

If I am your friend, like truly and deeply, I will become like an octopus on your face (hard to get rid of). Just joking, not at all stalkery but very loyal. I will defend you at every turn.

The opposite of stalkery, I will disappear for weeks or months at a time, but that’s because I am, at my heart, an introvert that enjoys my own company. (Except I’m getting sick of me during this pandemic.) I NEED downtime. I live largely in my head. The things I am most passionate about are the things I do alone, like write, paint, or draw.

If you are dishonest in the way of lying, cheating, stealing, stay far from me for both our sakes.

I will never intentionally hurt you (unless you draw first blood. Then look out.) I will defend my family like a fierce lion. (And sometimes my opinion.)

Okay, that’s enough about me. Tell me about you! (Something deep and real.)


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On Growth, Issues, and Boundaries Blog Dec 11 2017

I love this song by Julia Michaels where she says, “I got issues.” I’ve been saying this for some time, cuz, well, I do. I mean I think everyone does. You’re either dealing with them or ignoring them or you’re just too dad-gummed busy to sort them out. I think I’ve grown more since my kids left the nest than all the other years of my life put together. Largely because I had time to think. And I had time to begin to ask myself some super tough questions.

Having been on this earth a good while now has helped, too. There’s no teacher like time to bring experience and wisdom.

I saw a meme on Facebook earlier that said, “If someone really loves you, they’ll never leave.” Everyone was typing “Yes!” and “Amen!” and I had to type, “Nope.” SOOOO not my perspective anymore.

People in relationships each individually grow and if they don’t learn to grow together, then a split is inevitable. Some are in abusive relationships. That doesn’t mean they don’t love each other, but you don’t stay in such a place. You just don’t. Sometimes love isn’t enough. There are many circumstances I’ve seen in my life and/or the lives of others, where that meme just didn’t prove to be true. It’s a young perspective. It’s fairy tale land.

I’ve had a lot of love in my life, and I’ve had love leave. I’ve left. It sucks, but it’s the way it is.

As for my other issues, well, they’re probably too numerous to get into. But I’m learning. I’m growing. I’m sorting through the luggage and tossing some things out. I’m facing some hard truths about my own life in a way I’ve never done before; head on. I don’t know exactly why it’s taken me this long, except to say, it was my time to do so.

And at the risk of writing yet another post entitled, “What I’ve Learned,” because I have enough of those now to write an entire book, I will list some more of the things I have learned here. Some are just too personal to share, but some I can.

1)     People can love you with all of their ability but not know how to love you right or well.

I didn’t really know love in the way I do now, not for a very long time. Having kids taught me a lot about how to love. Having unconditional love in my life was life-changing for me. Transformational. And it helped me learn a lot more about what love really means. You’re not born with the ability, it is hard fought for.

2)     Many people in our world today do not know how to confront, inwardly or outwardly.

I used to think I was the world’s worst at confrontation, and at one time I probably was. I didn’t know how to face the yuck on my own insides, let alone deal with someone else’s. I’ve learned a lot about boundaries, and that people treat you exactly how you allow them to. This a very powerful truth for me. I have also learned to confront others in love and respect, because I have been confronted that way and I’ve been confronted harshly and even unjustly, and I now know which way it should go. It isn’t easy and it isn’t very fun, but I’ve learned to maintain relationships, you MUST be able to confront when needed.

3)     Nobody wants to come face to face with having been wrong about something in their lives.

One of the most powerful things that has happened to me in recent years is being brave enough to admit that I’ve been wrong about some core beliefs in my life. Now, that’s painful. It can feel humiliating, or off-putting and just plain yuck. But we are each responsible to grow past the yuck when we find it in ourselves. I’ve had attitudes that were hurtful, I’ve been narrow-minded and short-sighted about some things, and it’s been hard to change, like turning the Titanic. But this ship is turning.

4)     Just because something ends, that doesn’t mean it was wrong. You learned something.

In my life I’ve had people jump ship on me. I have to remind myself of the times when I was the one that left something or someone. I am learning not to judge and to realize that people are where they are. I am where I am. If that doesn’t mesh well, that’s okay. It really is. God Bless and see ya later.

5)     You’re stronger/better than you think you are, AKA, We ALL Have Issues.

I spent many years dealing with some personal issues that helped me believe I wasn’t worthy of love. I wasn’t good enough. Low self-worth and low self-esteem are epidemic. For some it could be due to harsh up-bringing, or some kind of abuse or trauma, or bullying… but whatever our individual reasons, I think most, if not all people, struggle with their self-worth in some way or another. If you find yourself in any place around any people who hold you down and try to stop your personal growth, please, GET OUT. People who love you for you, will encourage your growth and finding yourself; your self-awareness.

6)     You are under NO obligation to be who others think you should be, or hold their “stuff” as your “stuff”.

Don’t adopt your family’s belief system as your own, or your friend’s or anyone’s. Part of knowing who you are is fighting out things for yourself; coming to know and understand fully and firsthand what you believe and why. If your only reason for holding a core belief is because someone else said so, it’s time to really examine it. Examine your own heart. If something feels wrong, it often is. Have the strength to set those boundaries. We have to say “You can come this far and no further.” I will listen to you tell me this or that, but at a certain point, only I know what I truly believe, deep inside to be true, and that I will not negotiate.

And as for me, these are the things I have learned, and maybe you have or haven’t, or maybe you have a different list. If you don’t have a list, it’s time to get one.

Happy growing, beautiful one!!