Just chilling out today, went over to the beach for the first time since… a few days before lockdown in March. Ohmigoodness it was heaven. The sound of the waves and the wind was incredibly peaceful and good for my very soul.
Last night I kept “writing” an article or part of a future book in my head as I was trying to sleep and hate when that happens so much. They say, “get up and write it down before you lose it” which is great advice but I was just too tired. Now I’m trying to remember it all. Ah, such is a writer’s life I suppose.
I’m about 80% sure I’ll be writing a non-fiction book about life, my life, and boundaries in the near future. I have a lot to say. (I don’t know if anyone will care, but as we writers say, if it’s in you get it out!) It’s the only way to quiet my brain, get it all out and down.
This last week or so has been so peaceful. Best thing I ever did was back off the Facebook some, and even more than that, blocking and unfollowing people that stress me out constantly. I’ve been able to focus in on self-care and surround myself with people that think even a little bit more like me. It feels like a huge sigh. Trying to let my shoulders come back down where they belong instead of up around my ears all the time. Peace. Precious peace. I love it, crave it, can’t live without it.
Interesting to me how different people find their peace, and from what I’ve observed, many never do. Once you taste it though, you will have to make it a priority in your life. Unfortunately, it often requires- (you guessed it), firm boundaries around yourself and your life. Until I began to have boundaries for myself, I never understood fully how many people don’t have them, and have convinced themselves, (or someone else has convinced them) that it’s somehow wrong or sinful or mean to set rules around your life, to put the fence up. You’ll fence your yard but won’t protect your own heart and life. Stinky thinking.
Self-care is a bad word (or phrase) among many communities and people groups. “Thinking about yourself first is selfish.”
Wrong.
It’s absolutely necessary. If you are not whole and good and well, you are of no use to anyone else anyway. Or worse, you’re doing damage to them, or they’re doing damage to you, (and you’re letting them, because you’re NICE.) One thing I have learned is that the people who truly love and value you in your life will absolutely mind your boundaries and stay in your life and often respect you more for it. (Or, the ones who decide to go, you must let them go.) And some will. And some you will ask to leave, and that’s OKAY.
People will treat you exactly how you allow them to.
Just had to bold that one. Crucial.
The falsehood that we have to put up with being treated badly is one that has been perpetuated since the beginning of time. So many are treated as if they are worthless or simply worth less than others. And they’ve been treated that way for so long, they believe it and accept that it’s true. If you don’t value you, how can you expect anyone else to?? If you don’t know and understand your worth, you’ll never convince anyone else of it.
A boundary is simply saying, “No. You may come this far and no further. You may not come into my inner circle and criticize me or put me down or hurt me.” I was certainly one that never learned this as a child, and many weren’t and still aren’t being taught that it is okay and even necessary to say No sometimes. Children are taught to always listen to and obey adults. In my parent’s generation, it was taught in order to teach children respect. Respect is a very good thing. But in today’s world, we absolutely cannot allow our children out into the world without the skills to do everything they can to protect themselves. We have to do better at teaching and training them to recognize bad or wrong behavior, something or someone that feels “off” often is.
Many, if not most of us, could tell stories of times adults (other than our parents, or in some cases, it is the parents), such as a teacher or scout leader or someone in authority over us- treated us in an unacceptable way. We were also taught that you obey your teachers, elders always, upon fear of death. (Not literally, but you get the idea.) These falsehoods we are taught as children are the beginning of teaching us that we have no power or control over ourselves, our bodies, what happens to us. We’re not to stand up for ourselves or others. Always be kind, behave, be polite, be respectful. Well, yeah, most of the time, but certainly not always. There are times for a loud “No!” It’s necessary for proper health and safety.
In the last several years, I am learning to more automatically bring those walls up, (yes, some walls are good). For someone as sensitive and empathic and empathetic as I am, they have quite literally saved me.
Who gets in and who doesn’t? Well, that’s the question, isn’t it? And the answer will be different for each individual person. For me, anyone who is disrespecting me or putting me down, automatically gets the eject button and the walls are up. Anyone who would try to mock or shame me is out. Making fun-nope. Talking down to-Nope. Mansplaining, NO! Misogyny? No, no, Hell no. Go away, far, far away. I know who I am, I know what I deserve. I know what I will and will not allow into my life. Period.
That, my friends, is having boundaries. Let’s talk more about it.
Elbow rubs and blown kisses to you today, my loves. Peace Out!