Most of my life I’ve been keeping a little bit back
A piece of me that was walled and secure
Having seen the devastation of a heart shattered by death and loss
I vowed that would never be me
So
I built that wall, brick by brick over days, over years
Turning away, tuning out, not letting people in
Oh I seemed to be, I showed love the best I knew how
But part of me was shut off and after a while even I didn’t notice anymore
And then a person comes along and sticks and stays
And they know me more and more and yet still they stick, they stay
But I don’t know how to handle that, always waiting for the shoe to drop
Waiting for them to decide that today is the day they see something in me they just cannot abide
And off they go
Again
Another one chased away by my truest self and what does that say about me?
Am I intrinsically unlovable? Why has it always seemed that the more they know
The faster they go
So I kept that bit, that slice of my heart in cold storage, never letting it out to thaw
Knowing that one day the tragic would happen and it would be that piece that got me through
It was my life insurance against pain you see
Because if I could keep a part of me whole I could rely on that part when the grief came
And it always comes
No-one is exempt
And now I can feel the ice melting, drip, drip, drip
And it scares the hell out of me
Because if that slice of me is gone, gone to love and acceptance and
Loving with all of my heart and soul then I am a goner
I’m done
There will be nothing left to save me from the pain
It’s thawing and now I can’t even stop it, the freezer has stopped working
The wall is crumbling
And when you’re gone I will lose
Even that piece of myself