End November Blog: Coming Out of Religion, Finding Me
(AKA The Art of Deconstruction)
11-19-2019
I was thinking back on my childhood this morning and realized how un-self-aware I was. For so many years, even into adulthood, I had no real sense of ME, of who I was, what came naturally and what didn’t, all of it. When you looked at me it was as if I was covered in mirror tiles so that you would only see yourself reflected back.
I’ve been called a chameleon because I learned from all of that, to get along with a lot of different kinds of people.
I became a people pleaser, though, and that was not so good.
Over the years from every angle I always felt I was being told who and how to be and it took me way too many years to come to understand that I have intrinsic value, I have my own unique set of gifts, my own personality.
For me, religion played into it with a constant (in my mind-warped) message that I was zero, I was nothing, I should never aspire to be anything other than a reflection of this Christ I was told about. That played right into low self-esteem for me.
Not everyone has such an experience with faith/religion I suppose but having stepped out of that culture I now more clearly see how much it damaged me.
As with all things there was good and bad for me. I learned a lot in a lot of areas but I never found me.
Religion teaches “die to self.” Thoughts of one’s self are selfish, bad, wrong. Self-care is wrong and becoming or at least appearing humble and obedient became gods or idols, things you must do to be accepted in the church.
Scripture about being perfect as God is, was pounded into us weekly.
I died to self, all right, but not in any kind of good or positive way. Yeah, this made me a horrible perfectionist… or maybe a perfect perfectionist.
Growing up as nothing more than a person who wanted to please my parents, my brothers, my friends and then ultimately the church (and as I viewed it, God) was not an easy way to be. Don’t get me wrong, I know how lucky/fortunate/blessed I was to have parents who dearly loved me, and as fallible as they were, tried their very best to raise us right. I got something many people in this world never got… I knew I had parents that loved me (and they still do).
I suppose something I never felt though, and maybe it was just my broken self’s fault, I never got the sense of being good enough. I never got self-esteem (not until I was in my 30s and 40s and it was barely trickling in then. In my 50s I can finally say I have it, in spades.)
This is what I know to be true NOW: (This is me speaking MY truth)
Any God worthy of my devotion would have to want people to be whole, to care for themselves first, so that they have strength to care for others and themselves.
We are not perfect and were never meant to be. I firmly believe that scripture is inherently flawed by nature of it being written and interpreted by flawed humans. I do not, cannot believe in any God that expects me to be perfect. Nope.
I could never believe in a God that doesn’t want the absolute best for me, which includes health, knowing myself and having self-esteem, knowledge of all of my own gifts and talents and not being afraid to use them, for fear of being thought less than humble.
If there is such a God who loves me like this, then he must want me walking in the fullest of all that I was created to be. He doesn’t want mini-me’s. If he created me with a writing talent then he must want me to use that talent to the absolute fullest of my ability, etc.
If he made me funny and sarcastic then, by god, that’s who I am.
I think we’ve done our children a great disservice if all we teach them is absolute and utter obedience. I interpreted that to mean that all others came before me, which meant that any other – may do anything they wanted to me and I had no voice. I wish I’d been taught how to stand up for me and what I, personally, believed in. That I matter, my thoughts matter, my opinions matter, and that I have a voice. I can say NO. I can say “You may come this far and no further.” I know that now but I fought hard and paid a heavy price for this knowledge. Boundaries. They are a powerful, necessary thing. I hope you have them. You’re in for a super hard ride if you don’t.
Over the years of being used, stepped on, discarded, raped, molested, called names, disrespected, well, let’s just say something my parents gave me in my genes combined with something I believe was given to me by my Creator, rose up in me. I began to realize that all that I had been told and taught by the world, religion, the people around me, was not necessarily true. I learned that there are a lot of lies being perpetrated on people disguised as truth. I learned that I, ME, only myself, could dig out truth and what that actually meant to me and for me. (Think of Frodo with the ring, it was ONLY his burden to carry). My life, who I am ultimately, is only my burden to carry.
I studied many religions and found a common thread in most of them, common lessons that were being taught. This to me said that who ever “God” is, He or she or they have been trying for millennia to get certain truths into our hearts and minds. I also truly believe that humans glom onto it and add and take away and distort at every opportunity over the last multiple thousands of years. For their own agendas. There is always an agenda.
So, yes, I believe there are absolute truths, it’s just that my list of those may be different than yours. (Why I call it My truth, because I have fought hard to find it and excavate it out of all the BS we are surrounded by and by everyone else’s versions of truth.)
There are things I bought into 20 years ago that I just do not and cannot believe anymore because my own life and experiences (and I believe, my Creator) have taught me to know better. Others don’t accept that. Bully for them. Be blessed and go find your own truth. Just please, make sure it IS your own truth and not a line of bull you’ve been sold just because it’s popular and widely perceived as truth.
All good things in life, all truth is hard won. If it came to you in a hand- me -down package, it isn’t yours. Find your own. Do the work for yourself.
If, at this stage of my life, I have any message to share with the world, it is this, these words written in this blog post.
You are worthy. I am worthy. We were each created unique and fabulous in our own way. Stop trying to be a carbon copy of anyone. Stop trying to please everyone or really, anyone (except maybe your boss at work, because, ugh, life.)
Whatever you’re given to do, do it with all of your might. Be the kind of person that can hold your head high because you know and love yourself and can choose for YOU who you are meant to be. (Hint: if you have a natural talent for something, that’s part of who you were meant to be! Find those things and fan those flames.)
If you find that you’ve poked your head up out of the forest and you’ve been chopping down the wrong trees, heading in the wrong direction, it is NEVER too late to change course.
Truth is, love yourself.
Truth is, love your neighbor, even when they don’t look or act like you.
Truth is, NEVER give your power away to an organization, religion, or political affiliation and allow them to do your thinking for you or replace your own conscience. Truth is dug out, never ever adopted.
And so, this is my story and this is my song. This is my message to the world.
We are created to love and care for one another. And if you can’t do that, don’t do any harm to anyone. (If I have a religion, this is it.)
I don’t share because I need you to like me. I share because I WANT you to understand me IF you choose to be in my life.
Be free, friends. Find Truth. Live your best life NOW.
(I’ve started a Facebook Group called The Art of Deconstructing for anyone who has left or is leaving organized religion. If this is you, look it up and join!)
Pammy