Category: Uncategorized

 

• I don’t care if you like me. For most of my life I’ve been a people-pleaser. I’m a gal who learned good manners from my parents. Always be kind and good to people. Good lesson. But it’s taken too far when you get it in your head that you must make everyone your friend. Subconsciously I had it in my head that it was my sacred duty to make sure everybody knew and understand what a good friend and good person I am and I thought others would be crazy not to jump on board my friendship train and become a major part of my life. It wasn’t designed to be that way. Now I understand that I can love all people but I only want to have a handful of them in my life. There are a precious few that I feel a true connection with, and they are my tribe. I have no time or passion for trying to force friendship where it does not exist.
• Keep Calm and Carry On. I used to go at a much faster frenetic pace and I just don’t anymore. I’ve gotten off the hamster wheel, but on the treadmill. Even when I wasn’t physically running crazy before, my mind was, and I felt a pressure to go, go, go and get tons of stuff done. I still have a desire to work hard and leave something of myself behind once I’m gone, but with age comes an awareness that being frantic doesn’t make one, necessarily, more productive or lead to a better, happier, or more joy-filled life. It can lead to a more stressful life. I take each day as it comes and try not to get overwhelmed about anything. I take more time for myself (self-care) and as a result enjoy a much better quality of life.
• Family First. I love my family and desire to be there for them whenever possible. Now that my own children have flown the coop (or nest) I am so much more aware of how important time with them truly is. My husband and family (and that number keeps growing!) are my top priority.
• Art is Life. I take time to paint, write, and listen to my favorite music. It is more of a necessity than only a pleasure these days. Things of beauty and great talent elevate me to new heights. Poetry, books, artwork, plays and movies… they mean more to me now than ever before. By and large, people don’t take enough time to appreciate and take in the beauty that is found amongst this chaotic mess called life. My current schedule allows me to do this, perhaps more than some others are able, but I find it immensely worthwhile.
• I do not separate the sacred and the secular. I have a life. It’s made up of spirituality, work, art, and many, many things. I do not have a “church face” and a “home face” and a “friend face,” I just have a face. My life isn’t in waffle boxes. Everything I do is sacred to me, whether going to a church service or preparing a meal for a loved one. When I write, it is sacred to me. When I paint. When I spend time with friends. It’s all the same to me. I am not a Christian author, I’m an author with a spiritual journey. I’m an author. I’m not a Christian artist, I’m an artist who looks for God in all things. I have come to loathe trite labels that put people in boxes and separate out areas of one’s life. Ultimately, I’m just who I am, and that’s just as it should be. I would never write or paint “to” Christians only. I have no tolerance for Country Club Christianity that sets itself up as an alternate society. I believe we are all God’s creation and we ought to stop putting up walls that we think may keep us “unspoiled” when all it does is isolate and push others away. Instead we ought to become an integral part of the world with our fellow humans. If one hopes to impact the world in any capacity, one cannot live in a closet.
• Happiness/Joy is a Choice. Just as marriage (or staying in a marriage) is a choice, so also is your own happiness. It is not a place or destination. It is something you carry around with you. If you have mess (baggage) to work out, get it done because it will kill your joy. Deal with your past. Make amends. Give and receive forgiveness. Once you’ve done that, let it go. I’ll say it again. Let. It. Go. Living with guilt or shame or unforgiveness is a joy killer. If you need help, seek it out. A friend, priest or pastor, psychologist or counselor… any of these are great resources to help you unpack your baggage and get on with the business of life.
• Health is everything. If you allow your physical body to fall apart, you won’t have a happy, joy-filled life. You take care of your kids, your home many other things, but often ignore your own “shell” and let it fall into disrepair. I understand that we cannot help some things in this toxic world, but there is MUCH that is within our power to control when it comes to our bodies. Yes, we will age, and things won’t be as firm as they once were, but we decide what we eat, how much, and when. We decide if we are going to prioritize exercising our bodies to keep our heart, lungs, and muscles functioning. We decide. These decisions determine a lot about our energy and well-being. Step it up. Take responsibility. You’ll never regret it.

Just the other day I walked around the yard and thought, “What’s it all about, this life? Why are we here? Why am I here?”

Truth be told I’ve asked myself this many, many times. I’m a deep thinker.

At twelve I thought my little family and my little town was the entire world. Looking back, I can see it all like a snow globe scene. Life’s little dramas with friends and siblings, they seemed so big to me then.

At eighteen I was utterly clueless. I fell in love, got married. Not a thought given to doing something with my life, or what I was meant for or supposed to do, who I was meant to be.

Late twenties found me divorced, two kids, then re-married and a new child on the way. I always wanted children. I always thought I was a writer. Those are about the only things I knew.

Except…

I always chased God. I always wanted to know who He was. What it was all about. Again, why are we here? Why am I here? Yada-yada. Deep thinking. Apparently, another thing I’ve always been is a philosopher.

Once as a small child, the family was outside on an unseasonably warm Christmas Eve night and my dad pointed up to the stars and said he thought he saw Santa’s sleigh. I ran to the end of the driveway, (as far as I was allowed to go at the time), so I could get closer and see it better. My entire family thought this was hilarious and busted out laughing. At the time I couldn’t understand, despite all their explanations, why that was funny. I had no concept of how far away the stars were. I must’ve been about three.

If I knew then what I know now, I’d have gone to college and studied the stars, took science and biology and oh-so-many classes about everything. I may have been a perpetual life-long student. (But only as long as I still had my beloved kids.)

I’ve learned a lot by this time in my life. In fact, I dare say, I know more about some things than some people who have degrees. Of course, there is still a lot I don’t know, particularly outside of the world of writing. (I have taken a couple college-level courses but never completed a degree, being too busy at raising babies for much of my life.)

I get documents submitted to me through the publishing company by degreed people all the time that are unreadable and unpublishable. But I’ve learned a lot in my chosen field by reading, reading, reading, and writing, writing, writing. This combined with my passion for the written word has brought me to a place where I now help others get published, help others become better, more confident writers. I believe strongly in education, but it is not and will never be a substitute for hard work and passion and die-hard perseverance. God-given talent helps, and I think/hope I have that. (Confidence in yourself and what you do, your mindset, is everything.)

So, all this rambling to say this: I still don’t know, and will not ever, truly understand why we’re here. But part of what I am and I’m supposed to do has been revealed to me. Revealed by a still/small voice that guides me and shows me what is uniquely me, what I do, what I should do while on planet earth. I believe we can all discover this, what makes us uniquely us.

I still look at my garden and wonder at the beauty and variety of plants and flowers. I still read, I still write, I still philosophize. I still look for God everywhere and in everything.

I still look at the stars and look for Santa’s sleigh in December. And in many various ways, I still reach for those stars.

 

Went to see Wonder Woman tonight and just wanted to jot down some thoughts, rambles, perspectives… so spoiler alert, get outta here right now if you haven’t seen it yet (and plan to do so).

Several things struck me, so I’ll just dive right in. Visually, they did an amazing job, comparable in my mind to any other modern-day super-hero flick, so no issues there.

I thought they cast the role well, the wide-eyed innocent look was there (though I was surprised, honestly, that she wasn’t more “buff” because of the role Gal Gadot was playing, –this isn’t an insult, complaint or criticism, just an observation) as Robin Wright and the others all seemed to have a lot more muscle tone.

The only oddity in my mind was that the god of war, Aries, was played by an average-Joe-looking middle-aged British man complete with mustache. An unexpected choice.

So all this aside, I thoroughly enjoyed the story, loved getting to see the backstory of Diana Prince.

I have a lot of emotions I am trying to nail down in regards to how the movie makes one feel as a woman.

Of course, we are not all Amazons from Paradise Island, but still… it has a way of making a woman feel proud to be one. It struck me that this movie couldn’t and wouldn’t have been made even twenty years ago, not done this well, anyway.

On the way home I found myself (once again, it’s happened a few times in the life of my marriage) trying to describe something of what it feels like to be a woman to my husband. He’s a great guy, not at all a misogynist, but still, it’s hard to describe what being a woman is like to a man. Kind of like trying to describe a rose to a blind person. Not easy.

I told him how–at 16–I learned that I had to make myself smaller, dim my light, in order that men wouldn’t think I was flirting with them. Even at that age I’d already had the experience of being my bubbly, best, most joyful version of myself, only to be accused of wanting to sleep with some guy that I had just thought I was having a friendly conversation with.

What is that?? I’ve had other such experiences where–myself or other female friends were  just being a normal friendly person but it was misconstrued as coming on to men. Smile too much? Oh you must want to sleep with them. Dare to be happy around a man? Must be trying to take them to bed. This is one of my biggest pet peeves about being a woman. We have to make ourselves smaller, literally and figuratively, because of men.

Literally because, let’s face it, all of us women have a sacred duty to be tiny and have perfect hair/skin/nails/everything so as not to offend the eyes of men. And figuratively because heaven forbid we should be beautiful, bubbly, joy-filled people with our lights shining on full wattage because, you know, the men won’t understand. And while you’re at it, know your place and don’t be smarter or make more money or have more talent because men’s egos can’t handle it. (If you think I’m coming on too strong you’re probably a man.)

I’m not a man, I don’t want to be a man and I surely do not want to be treated like one. I am not the same as a man, I only want equal respect and dignity. That’s all. I wouldn’t think it’s that much to ask. There are women who really do want to be treated like men, or at least they seem to think so, but not me. Just treat me with respect, treat me like an individual, give me my dignity. See, I’m easy to please.

I tried to make my husband understand circumstances where you are in a room full of people and the men are talking and you try to get a word in edge-wise and are looked at like window dressing or like they’re surprised and startled to hear you actually speak. There are all sorts of circumstances where I’ve felt smaller, less than, unappreciated, under-estimated, judged, inappropriately lusted after (I know, right?) and in general, taken for granted. It’s not something that’s easy to explain to someone who hasn’t felt it.

Anyway, all of that to say, there is a scene sort of towards the end of the movie, where WW is walking towards the evil god of war, and it’s kind of “after the struggle”, after she has come to some realizations and she’s now very calm and I connected with this scene, so much. She’s no longer raging and angry, she has found big love, she’s awakened, you might say, and she is at peace and more powerful than ever before. And I’m just shaking my head, like, “Yeah, that’s right.” She’s been through the fire, she’s facing her demons and she is so strong in that moment, not because of her strength changing, but because her heart changed. She found her love.

That hit me between the eyes. It’s so true to life. It’s not about the raging and the revenge and the struggle, it’s about finding big love, finding peace, about how truly powerful and centered we can become. We have the capacity.

For me it is all about being on a spiritual path, looking for more truth, more light, more love, more God. I believe when you seek, you find. The universe has so much for us but God doesn’t force more into us, it comes when we’re open and ready, when we haven’t shut ourselves down. We choose not to grow sometimes, because we think we have it all figured out already. We close down our minds and hearts.

So the long and short of it is, I really loved the movie. And also, even though it’s tough sometimes, I love being a woman.

🙂

 

 

 

Aged and aging, sitting on the porch, reminiscing about her life, she rocks. She sings.

She’s given birth seven times, two died and five thrived, grew to be parents themselves. Hard times have come and gone and with each she learned, she grew. Now she waits for the kids and grandkids to come and visit and at times the waiting seems like an eternity, so she waits, she rocks, and she sings.

She remembers a time when her oldest son wouldn’t let her out of his sight and she chuckles at the memory. She thought he’d never learn to be apart from her and now all these years later, he’s learned the lesson all too well. Busy with his own life, conquering industry and the world, raising his own little ones, and doing an admirable job of it. A tear slides down her cheek, a tear of pride and pain at the same time.

The second son is in prison, twenty years or more yet to go and she knows she likely will never lay eyes on him again. He was the sensitive child, always unhappy, always in the midst of storms, almost always made by himself. Troubled, that’s what they called him. A troubled child. Not strong enough for taking the high roads in life, but more comfortable on the low roads amongst the crooks and druggies. Made him feel superior maybe, or maybe just accepted. He wanted to fit in somewhere, and now he does. Another tear escapes.

The only daughter comes to mind, now on her third marriage, a child that lives with her father. She was the little princess. Tried to protect her, to show her the way, and in the end, she just wanted love and looked for it in all the wrong places. But a good woman, just the same, has a good heart. Works at the diner in town sixty plus hours a week and wouldn’t have it any other way. Maybe works herself into exhaustion so she doesn’t have to think about the mistakes she’s made in her life, doesn’t have to think about the days when she drank heavily and lost custody of her only child. Such a sad life, yet, she’s trying. She’s pressing on and there’s something to that. No matter what, there’s something to that.

The two youngest boys are living outside of town, sharing a rental house together, going to school and working, carving out lives for themselves. Only a year apart, they are the tightest of the siblings and genuinely seem to look out for each other, and that makes the old lady happy, truly warms her heart.

She muses, she remembers, she rocks, she sings.

As her heart fills with love and gratitude, she grows tired. Soon the chair stills as the sun goes down. The creaking of the chair stops, her head falls forward.

In heaven she appears on a white rocking chair, she jerks awake. Lifts her head, opens her eyes. Tears flow down, and she rocks and she sings.

 

Sometimes we confuse emotional or spiritual need with material or physical. How many times have we tried to fill up our insides by buying something, or eating something, that, while it may bring us a temporal feeling of comfort, leaves us once again empty in the end?

Eating disorders, out-of-control spending and debt to acquire more faster, filling an inner ache with drugs or alcohol, there are as many coping mechanisms as there are people in the world, I suspect.

I’ve learned to identify and get in touch with what’s really underneath it all. It’s still a process, we’re all works in progress.  But often when we peel off layers and find that scared little kid underneath it all and we have to actually feel our pain, well, it ain’t easy.

Whether it’s some trauma from your past or not being cared for or nurtured in some way, if your greatest expectations have gone unmet, if your heart has been shattered into tiny shards, whatever lies beneath, know that you can and will survive and in one of the great ironies in this life, once you press through, grieve, and move one, you may find yourself in such a better place.

It’s tough trying to get from A to Z or back to a new A for a new beginning, you must do the hard work. This life doesn’t come with shortcuts.

When you know yourself fully and heal yourself (allow yourself to be healed) there is a new life awaiting.

Chase God/goodness/light/life while finding yourself, the combination of the two is immensely powerful.

Come out of the depths of your despair and back into the light. It’s a lot of fun up here.

I have always sought beauty truth and love and have tried to be as genuine as I knew how to be at whatever point in my life I found myself. You do what you know to do, like Maya said, when you know better, you do better.

I’ve learned so much over the past several years, it’s amazing what comes to you straight from God/the universe when you tune out all the noise. There was a time when isolating myself would’ve brought me destruction but this time it brought me salvation in its truest sense.

Why is it that I am now in my early fifties I see so much clearer than I ever have? It’s hard to have any kind of spiritual experience, epiphany or paradigm shift without everyone around you blanching and fleeing. Such experiences are as personal as your own blood and DNA and often cannot be fully related to others, I’ve learned to accept that. I don’t know why I feel such a need for others, particularly those I care about, to understand me, but I am now settling for acceptance and I’m also allowing that those who need to leave my life are going and new ones are pouring in every day. Finding a new tribe at this juncture in my life… who knew? And I love the ones leaving enough to let them go, want them to, even. And I welcome my new friends with open arms and an open heart.

This path I’m living and walking down is so full of wonder, joy, and contentment and that is because I’ve been blessed with love and care in my life and creative outlets that keep me sane. I’m a recovering people-pleaser who has been set free and I’ve learned that more people than ever connect with me when I’m my truest, realist, most vulnerable self.

Anytime you do something creative you are putting yourself out there—wide open to the judgment of others. Writing, painting, poetry, all of those things, can feel as though you’ve emptied your very heart and served it up on a platter. Then comes the tough part of seeing how others react to that, to the things birthed out of your very soul. It’s not an easy life if you are sensitive (and by and large Creatives are very sensitive), so we must develop the thickness of skin to let criticism fall away (from those who just don’t get it) secure in the knowledge that those who DO get it, they are your audience, your target. You WILL find those who love and appreciate both who you are and what you do.

To my fellow Creatives out there, if you’re feeling unloved and misunderstood, welcome to the wonderful world of Creativity! It can hurt sometimes, but you’re gonna love it. Press on, don’t listen to nay-sayers, follow your passion.

 

 

 

 

 

Bringing Order to Chaos, that’s what I do 

Or at least that’s how I explain it to myself and others but what it may actually be is trying to impose a measure of my will in any given situation, to prove I have some power.

 What causes a control freak, what are the ingredients?

Is it born with you as part of your DNA or is it that which life draws onto your soul?Looking back over my early life I remember many times I felt I had no control and that made me anxious, maybe even rebellious because by damn nobody was ever going to control me again. I’d be the master of my own destiny.  

That “don’t tell me what to do” attitude grew in me quicker than a fox on a hunt. At seventeen I just knew I was grown… enough. Had to move out of my parent’s house even before I graduated high school because I knew better, I didn’t need anyone else telling me what to do. 

I can remember feeling powerless with a guy in the back of a car, powerless and also ashamed that I’d allowed myself to get into such a position. That wasn’t me or who I was supposed to be. But I was there, not because I really wanted to be, what I had wanted was someone’s time and attention, affection… love. I had no desire to be mauled in the backseat of a car. But a man (or I should say boy) knows exactly what to say to get a woman to respond, just what she wants to hear.  

But when a woman stands up for herself and takes back control she’s seen as sinful, brazen, haughty, bitchy. How dare we stand up for ourselves and demand respect? Who do we think we are? 

Unfortunately just saying “I am not in control, God is in control” has not been enough for me. 

Are we not also created by God to be loved, cherished, beheld? Yes, but not our strength, no, never that. We are loved so long as we stay in our place. This feeling I understand. Of course I do, I’m a woman. I’ve been objectified, talked about as if I wasn’t in the room, used and discarded like a wad of tissue, teased, bullied and perhaps above all, underestimated. Maybe that’s the worst one of all. Having people expect less of you because you’re a woman, think you are not smart, not intelligent, not capable of any sort of greatness in thought or deed. 

I’ve never really considered myself to be a feminist, at least not in the same way that others appear to be, I’m not a very militant person, but even I know that every human being deserves, and has the right to demand respect from others. I agree with equal pay for equal work and some other issues. 

In my life I’ve seen so many women utterly lose themselves in a man, and not always in a good way, I mean totally lose sight of who they are.  

A friend of mine when I was young used to drive with her windows down in 90 degree summer weather, not because her car didn’t have a/c but because her husband forced her to. He wanted to save a few pennies on gas, you see, but she was the one who worked fifty-plus hours a week while he tried to find himself. (He wasn’t looking very hard. I knew just where he was) but she never seemed to get it. He ruled her with an iron fist and her eyes were clouded over with love. Really? That’s love? If I have learned anything it is that we must respect and love ourselves before we can expect it from others. We have to know what it is, enough to recognize what it is and what it isn’t.  

And that’s only one example. I saw it many times throughout my life. Girl meets boy, falls in love but doesn’t realize he is only out to use her. Women put up with emotional, verbal, physical and sexual abuse and will stand up and defend the one perpetrating it on her. All in the name of love. 

We women love hard and often foolhardy. 

So when I speak my mind, when I follow my heart, when I use a gift, I am asserting a measure of control over my life.  And maybe at least some of my past experiences have influenced this control thing. (And my Rebel/Free-spirited DNA.)

 And like the song says, “God bless the broken road that lead me straight to you”—I can now say I’ve found a man that shows me a free and giving sort of love. I hope he understands me when I try to assert my power, when, as he hovers over me to give me a kiss I sometimes back away. It is sometimes a knee-jerk reaction. I’m making sure that I am in control, that nothing is gonna happen that I’m not okay with. I’ve had man-handling and I’m not okay with it, not ever again. 

He loves his mama and his sisters and he treats me with such love and respect and kindness and he brings out the best in me. Maybe he’ll be around when I finally conquer my control issues.

This week hubby is on vacation and since we’ve just had to replace the roof on our home, I’m not sitting on a beach or visiting family in far off places.

It’s going to be nice just hanging out together though, getting some projects done in the yard or around the house. Hoping to see the grands that live nearby over the coming weeks, and I get to see my younger son and his wife and family this week as well (from VA). Summer seems to bring excitement of its own…. pool times and daughter times and lots of inspiration to be found for writing poetry and painting.

Writing (and painting too for that matter) helps me process life, helps me cope and deal with the chaos in the world and often in my own mind and soul. I wonder at times how people cope if they do not have outlets such as these.

I suppose some just lead horribly stressful lives, get ulcers, eat too much or drink too much, do drugs, whatever. Anything to deal with the woes and pains of life. Faith offers a refuge as well. I am a firm believer that all people find coping mechanisms… some are more obvious than others.

But we are all humans, doing our best to navigate this earthly existence. Perhaps how we navigate is the point in the end.

Off to do something with hubby now… pull weeds or varnish artwork or run errands, not sure what, but I will do it in peace. However you cope this week, I wish you a good one.

A productive day today, indeed, a great week thus far, but I have not painted in a few days. Lots of  errands done, cleaning, laundry, groceries bought and the like. Keeping the day-to-day business of  life going. But like a lover pining over an out-of-town love, my heart keeps yearning for the peace, joy, contentment and often euphoria that comes with creating.

I don’t know what it is about us “Creatives” but I’m convinced we see things others do not see. For instance I’m obsessed with the flowers on my deck, the yellows, pinks, oranges… (this photo does not do them justice as they’ve been pounded with rain and wind today) but their beauty is obvious when the sun is shining and all is as it should be. They need the nourishing rain but when that sun comes out they stand a bit straighter, open a bit wider and appear to smile at the onlooker. You’ll never catch a flower struggling with ego and self, with God or fellow man, they simply… are. They spend their time being what they were created to be, in all their glory.

Is it their color that attracts me or their innate ability to fully be what they were created to be??