Category: Uncategorized

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Racism, White Privilege

I was on a thread earlier that was talking about white privilege. It got me fired up to blog about it today.

If this triggers you in any way, know that I invite discussion but only when done respectfully, without hate and anger. I moderate my page well.

So here are my thoughts.

The thread was discussing whether or not we should be teaching our children about white privilege. Yes and no. While I fully accept and understand that being white can and has opened doors for people in the past, if we teach white kids to feel generational guilt for something that is nothing to do with them: wrong.  If we teach them about all forms of racism in the past while encouraging NO racism in the future, maybe we can begin to truly bond and heal as a human race.

If we focus so much on white privilege that we encourage people of other races and nationalities to be prejudiced against us, isn’t that also bad? Two wrongs do not make a right. I think it is all about HOW it is taught. Prejudice and racism works in every direction: all wrong.

Yes, this bad stuff happened and happens, but here is what we should ALL be doing now and moving forward. Stop the madness. I refuse to feel guilt for something I have absolutely no control over. I can feel sad for some things that go on still to this day, but I will embrace positive ways to make change. Guilt isn’t positive. Only loving, positive, peaceful ways to move forward should be taught (along with history, of course.) Let’s have balance, wisdom and maturity on this issue, please.

 

 

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My semi-feminist feminist views: (AND 3 simple rules for men)

 

Having been raised very conservative, then being out in the world on my own and studying, looking at the world with my own eyes (and now being in my 50’s, meaning I’ve seen stuff, experienced stuff, etc.) the following are my own personal conclusions/views on feminism. (We all have very different lives and experiences, so feel free to disagree, but do so kindly, please.)

I love my parents but they were from a different time, a unique era. There are many values that they taught us kids that I still hold dear today. But the world, at least for me, 30 years ago, was a very different place. The internet has changed everything. One way it has changed us, is that we now have access to so much information that we never used to have. It was quite easy pre-internet to defend certain views and ways of thinking when I was cocooned in my tiny little world.

Back in the old days, it was very common for people to grow up sort of inheriting their parent’s belief systems and political views. I certainly followed that path for a very long time. Now I’ve seen more of the world, met more people, and have gotten a broader view of things, most certainly some of my thoughts, beliefs and opinions have changed some. Morphed.

So, about feminism. Growing up I was only shown the perspective that conservative Republicans were always right and liberal Democrats were always wrong. Period. We didn’t really stop and say “let me look at each issue from every side and determine how I feel” but it was more like, if you are THIS than you must believe THAT. This thinking still holds true in large part today. (BTW, I don’t play that way anymore. I think for myself.) Choosing a side and standing by it even when you’re wrong, is all that is wrong with the world today.

I’ve experienced first-hand a lot of abuse, verbal for the most part, but not always, by men and boys over the years. I’ve been set aside, pushed down, told to shut-up literally and figuratively by men, told that if I believe in God I must keep quiet, play the meek, mild mouse, my opinions don’t matter. I’ve been taken advantage of too many times to number by the male sex. I’ve been payed less, promoted less, and listened to less because I am a woman. This is my truth.

Having said all that, I like men, as a whole. I love my brothers and my dad (imperfect as they are sometimes) and we are all imperfect. I love my husband. I believe that men and woman are so intrinsically different and would never want anyone to treat me “like a man”. (Outside of equal pay, equal respect and dignity, etc.) I feel that women and men can often bring different talents and gifts to the table. If we were taught to respect one another and work together, we would be unstoppable.

I see something I like in the current generation—the ability for men and women to work together and be friends in a respectful and dignified relationship, outside of anything sexual or romantic. As I said, I’m in my 50’s and I can state categorically, I’ve really never seen this happen before in history. I’m loving it.

For the first time I have male friends that aren’t constantly being inappropriate with me in one way or another. (One of those ways is to distance themselves from me because obviously we can’t be trusted to be friends and not jump in the sack together.) For myself, I have a bit more self-control than that, thanks.

But I still have friends that are male that continue to speak and act in very disrespectful and misogynistic ways. But ya know what? They were raised that way, taught that way. That doesn’t excuse it, but I do have compassion for the modern male, trying to navigate this brave new world.

I’ll make a list for you guys, if you’re struggling and feel as though you are afraid to speak to women at all these days.

1)     If you wouldn’t want it said to your mother/wife/daughter/sister, don’t say it. (Unless or until you are in a mutually agreed upon romantic relationship, then the flirtiness may commence.)

2)     Take the time to get to know women. They are people, too, not walking vaginas. You may just find you actually like someone and that they know stuff and have things to say.

3)     Give woman (and all people, even of a different race, culture) their dignity and respect. Simple. Easy.

I think if you followed just these 3 easy rules, you’ll do great.

And if you’re wanting to know what my current political affiliation is, I don’t follow either party. I think for myself.

 

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Choose Peace

It’s funny to me that at every stage of my life I have felt as though

I was seeking the right things, doing the right things,

but then when looking back,

it seems so… different.

I suppose it’s due to knowing something now

I didn’t know then.

 

Life really does move like a river,

so that you are never in the same water again.

 

I wish I’d had this Big Love earlier.

I wish I’d had the wisdom of 50 years

at age 20

But doesn’t everyone?

 

I know now that for the world to change

It will take all of us

You and me

Deciding

Wanting it to with all of what we are

And we must sacrifice the god

Of our own opinions and belief systems

At the altar

Of peace.

 

Kindness, dignity, and respect have fallen away

And they are integral to our futures.

We must seek again to find common ground

To focus on what we have in common

Rather than how we are different.

 

Our world is in the midst of major transition

In this age of technology

And some will not change their lens

They will refuse to see the world

As a whole

As one

And for them, nothing will change

 

For those with open minds, open hearts

The world can be a peaceful united place.

 

We choose to live in light or darkness.

We choose strife or peace.

We choose to be critical or to look for commonality.

Every time we meet someone new, we choose.

 

Choose love. Choose peace.

 

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Social/philosophical commentary # 1332 (blog 6/28/2018)

 

If you don’t know me already, let me introduce myself. I’m a blogger, poet, philosopher, fiction author, and indie publisher (among many other things, of course) and this is what I do. I deconstruct the world and myself continually. My blogs/articles/rants are my account of some of that. Welcome aboard.

I’ve come out of a very fundamentalist background and have been on an amazing (if horribly painful and trying) spiritual, personal journey. Part of that has been reaching out and connecting with those I never connected with before. I now have friends who are atheists, agnostics, evangelicals, Buddhists, seekers of all kinds and many who feel disenfranchised from all of it, (religion). I’ve found that once we get out of the cocoon of our own little personal worlds and reach out to truly love and connect with other people, find common ground with them, it can be life-changing.

I believe it is a total misinterpretation of scripture to believe that—due to one’s spiritual or religious beliefs, we are to isolate ourselves from “them” and keep ourselves apart. (How can you go into all the world and stay utterly separate at the same time??) My love and compassion for all of mankind has ramped up, in fact, exploded. My mindset is so different now that I find a real disconnect with many of my old church friends. They don’t get it. That’s ok. I’m not here to judge, just sharing my journey. My hope is always to connect with some out there who may need to hear something I have to say or may relate to it in some way… the goal? Peace, unity and more love, understanding and compassion in the world. I often have people telling me to stop explaining myself, but I won’t because it is how I try to make connection with others. I won’t, however, apologize for it.

So, recently I have begun some discussions with people from all over the country and the world about many of these things (love, compassion, peace, how to get there) and it has been very eye-opening, because here’s the thing: when you dare to step out of your comfort zone and reach out to people, NOT with an agenda outside of love and compassion, you begin to realize some crucial, world-view altering things.

1)     Almost everyone everywhere wants to do what is right, please their God if they believe in one, find love, raise a family in a peaceful community and bring about peace on the planet. You absolutely would never think that if you stay in your cocoon and listen only to media coverage.

2)     People are AMAZING! There are some good/great hearts and souls out there, people who are trying to save/change the world. (Yes, there are the other kind, too, but mostly they are broken and hurting people who need help.) Not excusing evil or crime. I DO believe there is evil in this world, but we do not fight it by hiding ourselves away.

3)     People who may have different opinions/beliefs than mine are not necessarily evil. This is a pervasive thought in religious communities. If we continue to write people off as hopeless sinners, this world will never change. Maybe people feel hopeless because nobody ever reaches out to them with love and compassion.

I’ve even spent a good bit of time lately thinking about how the media and politics has done a wonderful job of dividing us all, one from the other. I think about what Jesus would do. What would Jesus say about building walls? Separating children from parents? Refusing to do business with those who do not share our beliefs? And not just that but reviling them and hating them. (If you have God’s love for someone, you WILL NOT behave in a non-loving way, it just doesn’t add up. Reality check.)

There’s been a pervasive and downright evil (in my opinion) leaning in the Christian community over the years that has gotten worse and worse…. If you are different, you are wrong and evil and I cannot talk to you or be around you. I cannot express how deeply this wounds my soul. I will not be a part of it anymore. (Look up Westboro Baptist if you need further insight.)

When I first began my journey, I had to throw out all I thought I knew and start over, just me and my Creator. And for a while I couldn’t believe in one of those either. The great thing about that (as painful as it is) is that I no longer accepted things at face value, I did not “do as I was told” or believe as I was told, I began the arduous process of wrestling it all out on my own. I know why more people don’t do it. It’s very painful and time-consuming. But if you make the time and take the time, I guarantee you will never be the same again (in a GOOD way!!!).

So, to sum up, please think about what you believe and why. If you believe in scripture, as you read each one, ask yourself the deep questions: Is this for today or historical/allegorical? Does this align with the heart of a loving compassionate God? Could this verse warrant further study to discern the original language and intent? Who was it written by and what could their agenda/culture have been about at that time? (I have studied scripture a lot. It became more and more confusing to me which made me dig deeper and deeper.)

Don’t have a hand-me-down belief system, or a system of belief which propagates hate or separatism. I beg of you, don’t. It might be better not to have a religion at all.

Ask the DEEP HARD questions and don’t settle for pat answers. The world needs love, hope, compassion, change. It needs you and me, but at our loving best.

Peace out!

 

 

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A Weighty Subject

My amazing DIL Whittney Chauta has inspired me to write about weight today.

I can remember being a kid and being told by my parents that I needed to lose 15 or 20 pounds. They offered to buy me clothes if I did. They were operating on what they knew. They didn’t know, and I didn’t know at that time that I had thyroid issues, but even with that aside, I feel like there has been so much emphasis put on just exactly how much we weigh.

My whole life I’ve internalized that message “I need to lose 15 pounds.” I had a boyfriend or two tell me that as a teen and that just reinforced this message in my brain. I’ve lived with that message reverberating around in my head for 50 years.

Society says you must be a certain weight and look a certain way in order to be accepted or loved. What utter BS.

My genes and so many other things have determined what I weigh. At this point in my life, I eat really healthy. I exercise. I deal with several health issues daily. I am finally at a place where I can re-focus. I focus on HEALTH, not what the scale says, which is why I threw my scale away years ago.

I want to break this cycle, in my family, but also help break it in society as a whole. People are not better, more beautiful, more acceptable if they’re thin. This is a holdover of being told we must be perfect little playthings for men.

My husband loves me just the way I am, and my weight has fluctuated a lot over the years for many and various reasons. He has always loved me for me. That’s the way it should be.

I find it demeaning as a woman to be told that I have to be thin and “perfect” in order to attract a mate (who himself is imperfect). No. I reject that. Not a trophy wife.

My husband is an amazing soul. So am I, for that matter.

When will we begin to look at the heart and soul instead of the size on the tag in our jeans?

For my kids: I love you all, I love your souls, I love everything about you. You are beauty and grace personified, each one. Not perfect, but perfectly YOU which is all you are required to be. I don’t give a sh*t what your jean size is.

Chase health. Chase love.

For Shaun Chauta Matt Chauta Nathalie Chauta & Megan Abbott

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Keepin’ it real

“You are so for real.” It is a thread that has run throughout my whole life, as far back as I can remember.
There are times I have talked about things on social media and I can almost literally feel people sneaking up behind me trying to slip a hand over my mouth. It makes people feel awkward or uncomfortable sometimes.
“Why are you sharing this with the world, Pam? Why?”
And my answer is always, This is who I am and I don’t know any other way to be. I don’t want to be any other way. For every person who tries to shush me, there are 10 or 50 or 100 people who message me and say, “Thank you for talking about this. Thank you for making me feel as though I’m not alone. Thank you for talking about something that nobody wants to talk about. I feel the same as you. I connect with you. These are my people. These people are the reason I keep doing it. Big picture.
If I talk about a bout of depression I have had, or an illness I have gone through, or just any every day thing that happens to me, and this offends you or makes you feel awkward, then, go. Step on. Be free. I am not for you.
I will keep on keeping it real, cuz I really don’t know how to NOT, nor do I want to change.
For those that connect with me, who get it, I give a huge fist-bump and a high-five. Keep on keepin’ it real my friends. I’m beginning to realize how rare that really is.
Peace Out! 🙂

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To Be

 

He’s out there, replacing deck boards and sweating.

I’m in here, trying to recover from bronchitis. Trying to write something.

My banana is half-eaten, looking forlorn. It doesn’t satisfy my hunger.

I think no food will.

Do we all have deep hunger? Is it what drives us to do everything we do? For those of us who analyze it all, yes. What will fit this hole so expertly to make it no longer gape? Is it God? Stillness? Peace?

Is it a thing or the absence of a thing? Do I need to add something or take something away in order to be perfectly whole?

Think of the many things that you try to fill yourself up with, list them in your mind. Is it working? I’d really love to know.

Why are we bombarded with the message that we must be perfect, whole, happy, at peace, and then everyone tells us their way to do this. I just want to be.

I just want to BE.

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Word Vomit

Today is a day for word vomit. Most assuredly.

Often these days I feel the need to write a chapbook on my thoughts and feelings or I am a dry desert with absolutely nothing to say.

Today is vomit.

I feel nauseated a lot these days, low-level, comes and goes, and it feels like it’s because of the world around me and nothing else. Not my immediate world, which feels good, warm, protected, but the other. The outside.

Life.

I’ve been through what might be described best as a crisis of faith. Or at least others might understand that phrase. It seems to mean that you come out the other side…. And you do, and I have. But I am utterly changed.

Some changes have been very good, and some not-so-much. But it’s growth and change and that seems always to come with pain.

Why do people stay in the same place their whole lives? I know why. Change is hard. It hurts. It’s desperately lonely and confusing, and all the things you thought you knew just aren’t there any more, and those things were comforting. They were somewhat false, yet very comforting, like a small child that is protected in the home of its mother. There is bad out there, but I never think of it, I’m safe here in my cocoon.

I guess I’ve seen more of the world and I know why people don’t want to see it, not really. It can be ugly and painful and dirty and all-too-real. So we close ourselves off in different types of protective cocoons, and thank God for them, because without them, we’d all surely go mad.

I now know more about myself, about who I truly am, than I ever have. (The good, the bad, and the ugly.) I have more confidence, more of an ability to stand up for myself and others, that’s a good thing. More love, more compassion than I have ever known possible, yet I feel as though my eyes are more open than ever before. And with eyes open, one sees the bad as well as the good. We feel the pain AND the joy. Maybe it’s something to do with a lifetime of hiding and stuffing, stuffing down those feelings, pains, hurts, hiding from the harshness. I’ve emerged, ready to face it all. Stronger in many ways, yet utterly changed.

To face one’s self, to see yourself for who and what you are, to unpack it all, it’s a journey. And one that only ends when your time on this earth is done. (And if you believe in the eternity of souls, then a new journey begins.) I tend to believe it, maybe because I always have, and there is comfort in believing that we don’t just end. It boggles the mind. I am not sure I’d ever choose to believe that there is nothing after our bodies die. I understand why people do believe it, more than I ever have understood, but I don’t think I can go there.

I think most people’s lives aren’t set up to have the kind of time needed for deep personal/soul reflection. To excavate it all. It takes massive amounts of time. Maybe that’s why it often comes to people as they age and their lives slow a bit. I’ve gotten off the hamster wheel, I am blessed to be able to, and I am grateful that I can work as much as I want to. Or as little.

I’m off the wheel, and it feels mostly great, but also, I sometimes miss the madness. The pace of life with children always under foot, massive amounts of responsibilities to others. There is a feeling of purpose in it.

But this—this time—there is purpose in it as well. And I search for it daily. In words, in the blank page, the empty canvas. I see it in the eyes of family. I hear and feel their love for me, and I know it doesn’t hinge on my duty for them, or theirs for me.

That rare gem of a true friend, the one you can always call or email or text, and they are always there at the other end. It is a priceless gift.

Thanks for listening my friends.

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Wonder or Fear

Sometimes in the midst of the most mundane of things, I will become overwhelmed with a feeling of gratitude. Today it happened while doing laundry. I am struck with a sense of blessing. Many don’t have what I have, do not enjoy even my own level of health and well-being. I can become caught up sometimes in the day-to-day of my own issues and forget that, in the grand scheme of things, I really don’t have it too bad.

I’ve been watching a Netflix program about the world’s most extraordinary homes, and they have been—each one—so beautifully original, unique… they each have their own personality, each visually stunning, but in most cases, it is the homes that manage to insert themselves into the majesty of nature around them, that are the most breath-taking. I am, like many people of the artistic “bent,” a very visually stimulated person. I’ve found myself so inspired by seeing these images of nature, of our world, the oceans, trees, greenery… no matter how good an artist you are, there are some things you just cannot compete with, you just can’t touch.

As a chronic “deep thinker” I think a lot about this life, this planet, why we are here. Hubby and I had a huge talk about it all just yesterday while on the way home from an outing. I’m as obsessed as any poet and philosopher has ever been, when it comes to thinking through the deepest of questions about our existence. I told him that, there are a few (very few) conclusions I’ve come to about this life. One is that we are undoubtedly here to learn lessons. I know this, because I have experienced that I will hit the same wall, round the same mountain, a hundred times, until I have learned what I am meant to learn. There are many instances of this in my life. Once I “get it” I am allowed to move on to new and different lessons.

I believe we are here to experience humanity, experience life in these “skins” on this planet, for some unknown purpose, (perhaps for our own betterment).

I’ve come to believe that there is very little that I know beyond all reasonable doubt, so when I come to any epiphany, it is so powerful to me. But for the first time ever, I’m okay with the “not knowing.” This recent mountain I’ve trekked around has taught me that it is okay NOT to have everything all figured out. I’d even go so far as to say that acting as though, or thinking that you DO, is hubris at its worst.

It’s such a human trait to try and figure everything out, and we’ve done it to such a degree that we have killed all of the wonder and majesty, all of the mystery, in the unknowing and unknowable. It’s a hard thing to just accept that there are some things I will never know for certain.

I think hope and faith dwell there, though, in the unknown, the uncertain. All sorts of wonderful things dwell there. Wonder. The wonder and awe of a small child seeing the ocean for the first time; trying to grasp the ungraspable. Humans try to “think” all the wonder away. I’ve found it is something I want, even need, to hold on to. I’m not a person who can live well or peacefully without hope, faith, wonder, magic, fantasy… the unknown. My soul actually craves it, and gets excited at its prospect. Maybe that’s why I enjoy fiction so much… the world of the unknown and unknowable.

Anyway, today, I feel extraordinarily grateful for life on this gorgeous blue marble. For whatever purpose I, or we, were created. I will live it gratefully and in awe and wonder, I will continue to walk the path, learn the lessons, trek around those mountains. And I will hold on to the unknown with awe instead of fear.

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Childhood Memories/The Leap

I remember being a young child, maybe nine or ten,

and I was at some sleep away camp, and there was this lake for swimming.

We all ran down to this cliff-like area,

and the kids all started diving and jumping off this cliff,

that probably wasn’t nearly as terrifyingly far away,

as steep a fall, as I remember it being.

It seemed a thousand-foot drop to me,

in my memory it was miles long, I was terrified.

Many of the kids were older and bigger than me,

and certainly more well-seasoned in life,

and likely every single one a better swimmer than me.

Which isn’t saying much.

One by one they ran up to the edge, and kids in the lake

and on the cliff were all shouting as they each, in turn, jumped.

The line moved, pushing me along and before I knew it,

My turn was up. I was there, standing on the edge.

Everyone shouted, people behind me,

anxious and excited for their turn,

and those down in the water. All looking, all shouting.

All eyes on me.

I heard someone say, “Come on, everyone is doing it,

there’s nothing to be afraid of!

It’s fun! Just jump!”

So, I took a deep breath (which I had time to release,

then take again on the way down).

So, so far down.

I saw the water coming closer and closer to me

and made it a point to gasp in a lungful of breath

just before hitting the water.

The impact knocked the air out of me

and I just went down and down.

I wanted to gulp in air, but there was nothing but water,

endless water.

Finally, I stopped going down and began to rise.

I kicked and crawled and kicked some more,

trying my best to keep panic at bay.

“Everyone’s doing it! It’s fun!”

But it was all pure panic

and anxiety to me.

Finally, my head broke the water

and I shot up, gasping for air,

amazed that I was still alive. I coughed,

I choked, then began to make my way over to the ladder.

I dog-paddled to the ladder to climb back up, and this ladder was so

Intensely straight up and tall and it felt like

Trying to climb all the way to heaven.

But I remember for one fleeting second, when my head broke the water,

there was this voice.

It said, “You did it! You did something you were scared to do,

something you’ve never done before.”

It was so fleeting, and so buried over with sheer panic

and deep breaths. But it was there.

Later, and at many times throughout my life, I’ve thought,

“What the hell was I thinking?! That was too steep,

too far for someone like me

with my very limited swimming skill.”

If it hadn’t been for being swept up with the crowd,

If anyone, any one at all, had bothered to ask me

If I wanted to jump

I’d have said, “No way, I don’t swim very well.”

I would never have been interested in doing it.

But I’d been swept away in the moment.

I hadn’t been given the chance to really think it through.

I remember this moment so frequently.

I remember, I did it, and I didn’t die.

It was one of the scariest moments of my childhood, and

I did it. If I’d thought about it, at all,

I never, ever would’ve made the leap.

I over-think. Always. It’s in my DNA.

But oh, that feeling.

Coming up out of the water. Cheers and applause.

I jumped. I did it.

I didn’t die.

I try and remind myself, sometimes I need to stop over-thinking,

and just take that damned step.

Leap.

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My Particular Kind of Crazy

 

I believe there is a love greater than we have ever known, and we have shut it down and contained it within our boxes and labels, we have dulled it and made it irrelevant.

I believe that in all of my life, the only unconditional love I’ve ever known has come from my mother and my husband. I hope my children give me this, I believe they do, even when they don’t get me. (That’s the thing about family, we love always. If only we saw everyone as the family they are.) I never saw it in church (from people). Conditional love, yes, but never the true “AGAPE” love that is so frequently talked about. By and large, we’ve become afraid of real love and intimacy, because of our pain and trust issues. We’ve all been guilty of focusing on our differences, rather than our similarities. There are a few friends who I believe have it down, if I’m to be fair. But it is so rare.

I believe we put each other down in order to make ourselves feel better, because we as individuals, can never admit we might be wrong about something, that we may still yet have something to learn from another’s point of view.

I believe that each of us are beyond beautiful in our own unique ways.

I believe we will ultimately destroy ourselves with closed-mindedness and hate.

I believe there is a large percentage of people in this world who will go to their graves never experiencing “digging deep,” never being who they were created to be, (and this primarily out of fear; fear of being different, of being judged, of failure, of success, and all manner of fears and anxieties). Most people go through life “asleep” to all we were created to be, and how we were created to love.

I believe in reasonable taxes but also, taking care of each other and being one another’s keeper.

I believe in holding people accountable for crime, while at the same time, getting people the help they need to get better and be better.

I believe that all life is precious but also that no-one has the right to judge another’s choices in moments of desperation.

I believe that—given the right set of circumstance—all of us are capable of anything. (Just try hurting one of my family members around me and see if I don’t become a deadly tiger.) “There but by the grace of God, go I” should be more of a mantra. We don’t know people’s lives and experiences, and yet are so quick to judge and label.

I believe that when you claim to love someone you always, ALWAYS, give them the benefit of the doubt, and grace beyond measure, but you never allow yourself to be an enabler or a doormat.

I believe forgiveness sets you free, whether it does any good to the person you’re forgiving or not.

I believe that churches and non-profits should do better at taking care of people, rather than building bigger buildings or softer pews or printing more colorful pamphlets. People can live without a church that has a full band and a coffee house, but people can’t live without food and water and shelter. Without love and human contact and understanding.

I believe that dancing, laughing, and music are three of the biggest gifts we’ve ever been given.

I believe every human on planet earth can do better, be better, when it comes to trying to understand one another and love each other. If only we listened with an ear towards understanding rather than arguing our agendas.

If these things make me crazy, so be it. I’ll continue to be my particular kind of crazy.

 

 

 

 

 

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Why I Left the Traditional Church (and why I use the term “speak your truth”)

Once again, I have seen on social media, people bashing the term “speak my truth” and this primarily from the far right and the traditional church. And aimed primarily towards Oprah. I want to write about the term “speak my truth” and the reasons I, personally, use the term and always will, and what that means to me, and why I left the traditional church.

I have “ranted” before about people perpetrating spiritual judgment on others, because when I see and hear this kind of thing, it goes all over me, irritates my spirit, my soul, and my very cells. So here I am a writer… what’s a girl to do? Sometimes I MUST write about it.

Let me say, I’ve been where you are. If you are in a traditional bible-based denominational church, you call yourself a Christian, I have been there and was there for most of my life. I don’t –in any way—believe that I am now better than anyone (ANYone in any religion or faith) so please hear me when I say that. I see my spiritual path as a spiral, not a staircase, I am not looking you in the face and saying “I’m steps above you” but I can and will say that I have chased God since I was five and I know as well as I know my name, that wherever I am is exactly where God brought me to. Others don’t get it, that’s okay.

Deep in my inner spirit and soul there began to be things that really didn’t fit for me, didn’t make sense. I would have “catches” in my spirit, something that said, “Whoa! That’s not right! That can’t be right!” and I finally began to listen to those things deep down, and I began to seek truth, only with my hand in my Creator’s hand, and I stopped listening to other’s perspectives.

I am a person who likes to live my life in total integrity. That does not mean that I am perfect, far from it, but if what the church is saying is something I find deep down I cannot align myself with, in integrity, then I cannot align myself with it anymore. I know this sounds like a “rigid” stance, but for me, (this is MY truth) it is the only way I can exist on this planet; to do what I believe I know deep down is right in as much integrity as possible, not compromising who or what I am or what I believe, not aligning myself with what is oftentimes hypocritical, broken, and nonsensical rules, laws, dogma, and behavior.

There’s a LOT of good in the church, and I recognize that the people in it are only human, I do get that. It often provides a community that many of us will never find outside of a church building. A community of like-minded people who will bring you food when you’re sick and serve you, love you, and take care of you. I know there is a lot of good there, and certainly a lot of good intention. I do not and will not judge someone harshly because they go to church or have a particular kind of faith. This, to me, is the highest form of spiritual judgment, to look at another human and say “I am right and you are wrong and you’re just being stupid.” To me, this attitude is immature, narrow-minded and hateful. Unfortunately, it is also an attitude I run across A LOT. If ever humans will be judged harshly by God, my belief, my truth, is that He will certainly judge the harshest, those who do this to their fellow man, rather than loving them. That is my truth. (See what I did there??)

When I say (or anyone says) “This is my truth,” what they are saying is actually something along the lines of “I have had a set of experiences and lessons in my life that is different than yours, I am different than you, THIS is what I have learned and know to be true,” and I think we HAVE to stop judging that. You don’t have to believe them, agree with them, or adopt their truth as yours, but I do think we are at a critical stage in humanity on this earth where it is more important than ever before, to focus on love rather than judgment. Judgment never “saved” anyone. It never changed anyone’s mind or talked anyone into or out of any core belief system, nor should it.

One of my “truths” (a powerful, life-altering thing for me) was learning and understanding that who I am and what I believe is truly between me and my Creator and is nothing to do with you. I don’t and won’t negotiate my spirituality or core beliefs with you (and I understand if you won’t either.) Nobody should. A spiritual journey is something each of us is on, ultimately, alone. God guides us where He will to teach us what WE need to learn, not what someone else needs to learn, in that precise moment in your life. What He is teaching me now is likely not the same thing He’s teaching you, in this moment in time.

This is my truth, my journey. You don’t get it? Good for you, God bless. But you better not get in my face about it—full of hate and judgment, because I WILL push back against that. I will stand up for myself and what I believe. Why? Well, because I must. I am not a follower of other people. I follow my God and integrity in all areas. I chase love, forgiveness, healing, joy, peace, and so many things. But I do not and will never again require anyone else’s stamp of approval on my life, not in any area.

Do I sound angry? Sometimes I am. I get very angry when I see people hurting and judging one another, hating instead of loving, isolating ourselves instead of being inclusive around those who do not believe the same. It hurts me and it angers me and I will always use any platform I may have to SPEAK MY TRUTH.

 

 

 

 

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Letter from Him

A Short Story

It arrived on a Thursday afternoon. I’d been drinking my afternoon cup of tea when I heard the sound of the mailbox closing; the whine, the clink.

  Eventually I made my way down the hill, slowly, in no rush to see the plethora of bills and ads that no doubt awaited me. I carefully shuffled back up the hill, the post in a bunch under my arm, putting off looking through it all for as long as possible.

   In through the door, then locked it behind me. I plopped the pile on the kitchen table and sat in front of it. Drained the last of my tea.

   I flipped through two ads for loans, one for cleaning the gutters. Created a trash pile off to the side. Then an envelope caught my eye.

   Something in the back of my brain told me I recognized the handwriting but I couldn’t place it. I tore into the lavender envelope. It was a card. A letter fell out onto my lap.

   The card said something about “Thinking of You” but it barely registered. I saw the scrawled name at the bottom of the card. I picked up the letter. It had been three years or more since I’d even allowed myself to think of him.  Much longer since we’d spoken on the phone. It hadn’t ended well between us, not at all. I was shocked that he had written.

Our daughter was what they called “gifted” with a much higher than average IQ.  She was on track to get a high school diploma by the age of eleven. She never made it.

   One rainy night a drunk driver ran a red light and crashed through our car. He, my husband and I, we were banged and bruised, but she—she had been trapped in the car.

   I remember laying with my face on the pavement, staring at her, crying… she upside-down and immobilized, me—just trying to stay close, to reassure her. But—smart as she was—she knew and accepted it before we did. She knew she was on her way out.

   “I’m sorry, Momma. I had things to do. There were things I wanted to say,” she said, matter-of-factly, her blue eyes burrowing into mine.

   “I know, Sweetie! Hold on! You will say them one day!” I was not ready to let go.

   “No, I have stories to tell. I have books and poetry to write, inventions to invent,” she said, then sighed. “I’m not ready. Why do I have to go?” she asked, and the last shred of my heart shattered.

 A month after we buried her, he had left. My husband, he couldn’t take it. I tried to tell him about my pain, but his was too great. He fell into a bottle and as far as I knew, he’d never come out of it.

   Now this.

   I began to read his letter.

   He told me of the darkest days, the days that blurred together, a fog of booze and tears. He spoke of the great guilt he carried; guilt that he had been at the wheel, though very sober and not at all at fault, he still felt he should’ve been able to prevent the accident. The guilt he also carried that he had not been there for me when I needed him.

   They were all things I’d wanted to hear so badly at the time, but now… it just felt like too little, too late. My heart had died the night our child did, and I had nothing left to give him, not even my forgiveness.

   He wanted me to speak words of encouragement to him, to tell him everything would be okay, but I couldn’t speak the words. In fact, I dropped the letter into the trash bin, only partially read.

   For the life of me, I couldn’t understand it, I could not fathom why a child should have to die, then the bitter irony of my husband becoming a drunk afterwards, it was just too much. Life had become too much.

   I had managed to get a new job, one working from home, doing data entry. Within a year, I rarely left the house. My friends had all fallen away. A few tried for weeks, maybe months, to reach me, but eventually they grew tired of me telling them to go away and leave me alone… they finally did.

   I lived like a zombie, a ghost.  Wake up, have coffee, take a shower. Work. Lunch. Work. TV. Bed. I talked to people as infrequently as I possibly could. Most of what I needed to survive was delivered to my door, ordered online. I only ever saw the sun on my walks to and from the mailbox each afternoon. The sun was an affront to me, how dare it shine when everything in me was rain?

   It’s funny how life goes on, the world still turns, after a tragedy. The ant-farm of life still buzzing away like normal, like everything was just as it should be, like… like… my pain, my loss, didn’t matter, didn’t compute. Not part of the Matrix.

 After a few moments pondering, I went and grabbed the letter out of the trash bin. I wiped the few coffee grounds off of it that had stained the pages, and I folded it neatly. I put it in my desk drawer.

   I couldn’t read the rest of it today, not this day. But one day, I would read it. I would finish it. I’d call him and tell him how much I loved and missed him, and that, for what it was worth, I forgave him.

   Maybe one day, but not today. One day, I’d open the blinds, prop open the door, let the sun back in. One day I’d go out to the store to make my purchases, to a coffee shop and have a cup of coffee in public, smile at a stranger.

   One day I’d compartmentalize my pain, put away my grief.

   One day I’d finish the letter from him.

 

 

 

 

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On Growth, Issues, and Boundaries Blog Dec 11 2017

I love this song by Julia Michaels where she says, “I got issues.” I’ve been saying this for some time, cuz, well, I do. I mean I think everyone does. You’re either dealing with them or ignoring them or you’re just too dad-gummed busy to sort them out. I think I’ve grown more since my kids left the nest than all the other years of my life put together. Largely because I had time to think. And I had time to begin to ask myself some super tough questions.

Having been on this earth a good while now has helped, too. There’s no teacher like time to bring experience and wisdom.

I saw a meme on Facebook earlier that said, “If someone really loves you, they’ll never leave.” Everyone was typing “Yes!” and “Amen!” and I had to type, “Nope.” SOOOO not my perspective anymore.

People in relationships each individually grow and if they don’t learn to grow together, then a split is inevitable. Some are in abusive relationships. That doesn’t mean they don’t love each other, but you don’t stay in such a place. You just don’t. Sometimes love isn’t enough. There are many circumstances I’ve seen in my life and/or the lives of others, where that meme just didn’t prove to be true. It’s a young perspective. It’s fairy tale land.

I’ve had a lot of love in my life, and I’ve had love leave. I’ve left. It sucks, but it’s the way it is.

As for my other issues, well, they’re probably too numerous to get into. But I’m learning. I’m growing. I’m sorting through the luggage and tossing some things out. I’m facing some hard truths about my own life in a way I’ve never done before; head on. I don’t know exactly why it’s taken me this long, except to say, it was my time to do so.

And at the risk of writing yet another post entitled, “What I’ve Learned,” because I have enough of those now to write an entire book, I will list some more of the things I have learned here. Some are just too personal to share, but some I can.

1)     People can love you with all of their ability but not know how to love you right or well.

I didn’t really know love in the way I do now, not for a very long time. Having kids taught me a lot about how to love. Having unconditional love in my life was life-changing for me. Transformational. And it helped me learn a lot more about what love really means. You’re not born with the ability, it is hard fought for.

2)     Many people in our world today do not know how to confront, inwardly or outwardly.

I used to think I was the world’s worst at confrontation, and at one time I probably was. I didn’t know how to face the yuck on my own insides, let alone deal with someone else’s. I’ve learned a lot about boundaries, and that people treat you exactly how you allow them to. This a very powerful truth for me. I have also learned to confront others in love and respect, because I have been confronted that way and I’ve been confronted harshly and even unjustly, and I now know which way it should go. It isn’t easy and it isn’t very fun, but I’ve learned to maintain relationships, you MUST be able to confront when needed.

3)     Nobody wants to come face to face with having been wrong about something in their lives.

One of the most powerful things that has happened to me in recent years is being brave enough to admit that I’ve been wrong about some core beliefs in my life. Now, that’s painful. It can feel humiliating, or off-putting and just plain yuck. But we are each responsible to grow past the yuck when we find it in ourselves. I’ve had attitudes that were hurtful, I’ve been narrow-minded and short-sighted about some things, and it’s been hard to change, like turning the Titanic. But this ship is turning.

4)     Just because something ends, that doesn’t mean it was wrong. You learned something.

In my life I’ve had people jump ship on me. I have to remind myself of the times when I was the one that left something or someone. I am learning not to judge and to realize that people are where they are. I am where I am. If that doesn’t mesh well, that’s okay. It really is. God Bless and see ya later.

5)     You’re stronger/better than you think you are, AKA, We ALL Have Issues.

I spent many years dealing with some personal issues that helped me believe I wasn’t worthy of love. I wasn’t good enough. Low self-worth and low self-esteem are epidemic. For some it could be due to harsh up-bringing, or some kind of abuse or trauma, or bullying… but whatever our individual reasons, I think most, if not all people, struggle with their self-worth in some way or another. If you find yourself in any place around any people who hold you down and try to stop your personal growth, please, GET OUT. People who love you for you, will encourage your growth and finding yourself; your self-awareness.

6)     You are under NO obligation to be who others think you should be, or hold their “stuff” as your “stuff”.

Don’t adopt your family’s belief system as your own, or your friend’s or anyone’s. Part of knowing who you are is fighting out things for yourself; coming to know and understand fully and firsthand what you believe and why. If your only reason for holding a core belief is because someone else said so, it’s time to really examine it. Examine your own heart. If something feels wrong, it often is. Have the strength to set those boundaries. We have to say “You can come this far and no further.” I will listen to you tell me this or that, but at a certain point, only I know what I truly believe, deep inside to be true, and that I will not negotiate.

And as for me, these are the things I have learned, and maybe you have or haven’t, or maybe you have a different list. If you don’t have a list, it’s time to get one.

Happy growing, beautiful one!!

 

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December 2017 blog post–On Self-Love and Self-Confidence

There’s so much going through my mind right now that I almost literally cannot move and function, which for me, means it is time to “download.” Time to write it all out.

I’ve been thinking a lot about personal growth, (it’s a thing with me), and so I love sharing my journey so that maybe even just one person will connect with something and maybe find it helpful.

Of course, no-one is ever under any obligation to read these things I post, whether I post a link to my site where I have all the blogs or if I decide to share it all on my personal Facebook page, PLEASE feel free to keep scrolling.

So, here’s where my thoughts are today, December 7th, 2017.

I had the thought that it may be a great personal litmus test to see just how comfortable you are with yourself, if you can go out and eat by yourself. This is not a judgement, just a little test you can take to see where you are with loving and enjoying who you are. CAN you spend time alone with YOU willingly, and totally enjoy it? I know personality types definitely play a part, but in my journey, I have noticed a pattern, that those who absolutely cannot be alone, OFTEN do not know or love themselves well. It’s a part of feeling constantly judged, and being trapped in the mindset of, “what are others thinking about me right now?” If you can’t get past that question, your personal growth will be stuck in one place for years, maybe forever. And I can speak to that because that used to be me. Some aren’t tracking because you’ve conquered this already in your life; scroll on. Some of you are totally tracking with me.

I began making it a practice to go out and eat alone many years ago, and I will admit that, at first, it was hard. I was convinced that others were judging me. They thought I had been stood up, or I was “on the prowl,” looking for a date, or I was sad in some way. And here’s the key. It just doesn’t f-ing matter.

I have found myself so stuck in the jail of other’s opinions and judgements that I was stuck for a very long time. I am free of that now and it is the biggest change and sense of freedom I think I’ve ever felt in my life. And it is a huge step towards loving YOU and realizing that YOU are fun to be around. You’re a marvelous person, deep, intricate. You have layers. Others don’t get it. Who cares?

So, my point today, is If you say to yourself, “I could never do that!” then I challenge you today to do it. Plan it, schedule it. Go to one of your favorite places. Maybe bring a book or a Kindle. And while you’re there make it a point to breathe deep and smile a lot. Relax yourself and just notice your surroundings. Watch people. Observe. Listen.

Go inside. Think about the best parts of yourself. Sometimes I get into these deep conversations with myself or my creator even, in my head, and sometimes I laugh out loud. Yes, people stare. I don’t care. I crack myself up. Deal with it. Yes, people see me as weird, arrogant, blah, blah, blah, but my personal growth WILL NOT rest on what others think about me. And it shouldn’t for you, either.

You may find that you enjoy the practice so much that you begin to schedule alone dates. Dates with yourself. I love it. Do it. I found out a long time ago that I actually really like me. Doesn’t make me less than humble. Doesn’t make me an arrogant ass. I’m just self-aware enough to realize that sometimes I am the only one I want to be with.

All that said, it’s hard to like and love yourself if you carry around a lot of guilt or shame or unforgiveness inside of you. We are all so very different and have had very different experiences, but pain is common to us all. We’ve all been through it. One way or another. My story may not match yours, but we all have stories. The best advice I can give you, is spend time on you and you alone, forgive yourself first, then work on forgiving others around you. You are worthy of love, worthy of acceptance and nurturing, but guess what? That begins ONLY with you. A little one-on-one with yourself. Learn to be your own best friend and you will eventually find other like-minded people to connect with, but it won’t be because of a deep-seeded need to have others love and accept you; it’ll be because you have loved and accepted yourself. And that’s attractive. You will draw the right people to you.

And here’s the downside, (there’s always a downside). You may lose friends, too. Any time we change there will be people who don’t get it, who judge you, who don’t think they like what you’re trying to do. A lot of that is because they want and need you to be messed up and needy. They have their own twisted need for that. Maybe they feel they need you, just as you are. Truth is, they are on their own journey and sometimes we have to leave others behind. Relationships should always be built on mutual respect, love, and understanding. If others don’t respect you doing things that better YOU, then it may be time you hang with a new crowd.

Change and growth is so hard. Self-respect, self-confidence, is hard-fought-for. Do it anyway. You will never truly regret it.

Whatever has happened to you up to this point helped make you who you are. You hold the key to changes for the better; to living YOUR life, not a life others want, need, or expect you to live.

Go out and take on the day and the world today. You’re worth it. You’re loved.