Category: Uncategorized

Posted on

Treading Water

Haven’t posted in a while, … life, man. Go along smoothly for a time then some new crisis will hit. Just the way it is.

I was feeling like a such a rock star/warrior queen for all of the hard work I’ve done on myself, I thought I was so strong… And I am proud of what I’ve accomplished, that’s true. Not haughty proud but Hey I Did Good proud, the positive kind of pride. Confident. Walking tall.

Truth is though (and this has come back to me like a hard slab of granite to the face this past week) I am a pile of Jello. I’m a softie. I’m not strong. I’m mush. Mashed potatoes. I am (or at least can be) just as sensitive as I have always been, like I was as a kid, before all of life happened and I built walls and tore some of them back down and did all of this inner work. There’s still a creamy gooey center in this chocolate truffle (why am I talking food metaphors? It’s making me hungry) and I was truly unhappy to realize it. Part of me wanted to harden, to be that pillar, that concrete that can withstand all of life’s hurricanes.

I am not there.

When a close loved one is hurt, apparently, I turn into liquid goo. I flash right back to a scared child all over again. It’s been a rough week. Usually, in a crisis, I am a rock, I am the one that stays calm and directs others what to do. Not this time. Too close to home. It cracked something wide open in me. Maybe I needed crackin’.

I felt like as a child growing up, crying was wrong and bad and taboo (and in my earliest years I did a lot of it, my poor folks) but I learned that it was not acceptable behavior. People don’t like (especially back in those days) big displays of emotion. We’re to keep it all stuffed down, keep it locked inside, suck it up buttercup, get over it. I learned that well for a while.

Then I learned (here and now in our modern world) that we must have an outlet for pain. Crying can be good, healing, cathartic. I know people who cry on the daily and there was a time I would’ve thought that weak. I now admire it. I’m jealous, kinda. Keeping pain inside is no bueno. It doesn’t work. Not for anyone. So, I’m learning to cry again, and without guilt or shame. There are certainly things worth crying over. Most certainly. And I admit to feeling better afterwards.

I’m just gonna keep on swimming, swimming, swimming, and when I can’t do that, tread water. Keeping my head up. I might be crying a river at the same time, but I’m keeping my head up.

Anyone need a good cry with me? I have at least one dry shoulder.

Be well, my peeps. Peace Out.

Posted on

All You Need is Love. (No, really.)

So, I deconstructed my whole world view over the last fifteen years, no biggie. (Actually, very big biggie.) It has also taken me that long to put myself out there and try to make sure that all of the people I care about and that care about me, now know the real me. Old friends, new friends, childhood friends, family, all of them.

My truth (my experience and POV) is that organized religion serves to separate people and pit them against one another (much like political divisiveness.) Not God-bashing or even faith bashing, just religion bashing a little, I guess. Because it teaches an unreachable perfectionism. Because you only see people in terms of if they’re in or out and all you wanna do is get them IN at all costs, then feel better about yourself. It’s Us vs Them in its most basic form and its archaic.

It claims unconditional love while giving you lists of conditions. Saying “Love the sinner, not the sin” is simply going around calling everyone sinners. People are simply people. Real. With feelings. Capable of great love and good and also great evil and bad. Period. After coming out of the church, I have found more unconditional love than ever, and also hurting and broken people that have been chewed up and spit out and taught that they should both be perfect and also that they never will be and it screws people up. Perfectionism. Very conditional love. Jumping through hoops.

I believe religions were started thousands of years ago (and many have come and gone over the years) to try to rally people together with a common goal and to be able to sort of herd the sheep, control the masses. Teach them of a scary wrathful God and keep them in line. Otherwise, they cannot be trusted.

If you haven’t loved someone completely different from yourself, you will never get what love really is. We’ve got to stop dismissing people because they do not look the same, dress the same, have a different sexual orientation, see politics differently.

Have you ever sat with someone across the table and looked in their eyes and just listened? Not with an ear to tell them how it ought to be but just really tried to understand them? Someone totally different than you. Have you ever felt yourself loving them without trying to change them?  If not, then you’ve never truly grasped what love is.

To love is to meet someone exactly where they are, and to accept them there as well. Not try to talk them into being more like you, no, but just trying to give them the freedom to be themselves. To stand up for them against all comers, even if you don’t necessarily agree with everything they do. All humans should have basic dignity and respect. All. Not just the ones in Your group, Your race, Your tax bracket, (or whatever).

It’s a new and different world from 1,000 years ago, from fifty years ago, from ten. If we can’t grow along with the world, we’re screwed. It was once all about nationalism and Us vs Them and the world can never truly change under that, there will never be peace, (and of course religion teaches that peace is an unreachable goal, blah blah) because they don’t want anything to change. Those in control will always want to remain in control. Control your thinking, your actions, your very feelings. Which is why I am always banging on about reading, learning, growing, and thinking for yourself. If you’re the exact same person you were twenty years ago, you haven’t grown at all.

All we need is love, to quote a famous musician, and he was called a hippie and so am I but we’re not wrong. But first we must tear down the old things that do not know and understand real love. Sometimes those things are deep within ourselves.

Peace Out, peeps.

Posted on

Another Edition of Things I’ve Learned, Jan 2022

  • Never let your full personality light shine around men, they will assume you’re flirting with them. Dim yourself. (F that, btw.)
  • When you meet someone new, try not to spend 100% of your time together judging them, rather, spend it trying to get to know and understand them.
  • If you don’t click, you don’t. Never force it. You’ll live to regret it.
  • That little voice in your head that tells you to run? Listen to it every time.
  • Nobody is perfect, so please give yourself grace, every day. Some days I’m a fierce warrior, other days a puddle on the floor.
  • Pat yourself on the back when you know you have conquered and overcome something. Unfortunately, few others will.
  • Putting YOU first is not selfish, but rather self-preservation, (self-care, self-love). This is the only place from which you have anything to give.
  • Be a doormat or a servant to none. In every relationship both must do their part.
  • In every situation, in every way, on every subject, have an opinion that is yours and is not inherited. Do your work to know how you feel. If you don’t know about something, honestly say you don’t know enough about it to comment. Then do your work. There are far too many blind followers on planet Earth. (This is sometimes known as Think for your Damned Self.)
Posted on

January 4, 2022 People are Stupid AKA It’s a Mad, Mad World

I had some errands to run and I got them all done. For reasons some of you know, I deal with anxiety related to driving (sometimes) and at times it’s just anxiety over leaving the house. But I got them all done and back home again in my comfy bubble.

I heard about the recent slap-fest on an airplane and my heart sank a little more. We are so passionate in our points of view these days, and ever-so stressed out. Maybe along with a sky ranger on the plane, we need a secret psychiatrist. Nobody knows who he or she is but they pop out when needed. Armed with comfort, kind words, appropriate meds. And once again the airline ticket costs jump up cuz they have to pay these people. What a world. I honestly don’t know if I will ever choose to fly again.

But for all the madness in our mad, mad world, I am actually doing pretty well. Watching the latest Coben marvel Stay Close on Netflix. I have a handful of shows (always) that help to occupy my mind and keep me busy. I live and thrive in the world of fiction and fantasy, and ain’t it a good thing these days? I often prefer fiction to reality. I art journal, I draw, I read, I fill notebook after notebook and write blog after blog. We all have our coping mechanisms, eh? And occasionally I foray out into the real world.

I texted a friend today and said, “Just checking in to see how your holidays were, cuz you’re one of the few humans I like.” It is, sadly, true. I try not to be too harshly judgmental of others, but often, for one reason or another, I just don’t like everyone and I guard my time and energy too much to waste it these days. If a hermit such as myself chooses to leave my home and venture out for you, you are special indeed to me. (You’re looking at a woman whose life motto has always been “People are stupid.”) I know, I know, you think I’m too negative. But I’m not wrong.

I’ve been finding a lot of traits in myself that I’ve seen in my late father, and it makes me say, “Oh! Genetics are real!” but also “Yikes,” cuz I have to make sure I don’t push everyone in my life away from me. I guess being aware of potential negative behavior is a good first place to start. I’m also a lovie, though, I truly am. If I don’t frighten people away and if I genuinely connect with or like someone, they’d find me to be a true, loving, forever friend. I have a huge heart. Perhaps that is why I protect it so very well.

In parting I will add, don’t always fall back on thinking people are stupid, try to understand. Try to be open to connection and friendship. I’m talking to myself here, too, of course. In such times we need extra super-human patience, kindness, gentleness, and self-control. Whatever you get up to this January, be kind, even it’s it difficult. We need more of this.

Peace Out, my friends!

 

Posted on

Holiday Nervosa

Why do the holidays always make me think of the whys and why nots of the metaphorical bombs I drop or would drop in the middle of the family tree amongst gasps and stares, the “Who knew?” on everyone’s lips…

It’s not that I have grenades to lob, necessarily, only that they wouldn’t understand, would see my words as the ramblings of the blackest sheep, the one we thought we knew, that we never knew at all.

After all, they made up their minds long ago, who they were, who I am, and these minds will never change. Some can never change, it would mean the giving up of all they once knew, and not gonna go there, no way, no how.

So, what’s better, lob the bomb and watch the shrapnel fly? Or allow them to keep on going on with their false notion of who I am, of what it is. Is it worth it in the end? Probably not. Likely not. Nothing good to come of it, nothing at all. Simply the satisfaction of being me, of watching the chips fall, of confirming their judgment and lack of understanding. It is what it is. It has always been thus.

Far better to just go on being me, a me so different from them as to defy all of their imaginations. Perhaps my time is better spent trying to understand why I even want them to understand. Why such a need to be felt and understood? Who cares? I mean really. Just my own neurosis acting up again. Pat it back down until the next holiday. Pack it away again, stuff it in a stocking.

Posted on

November 7, 2021 aka It Is What It Is

I sat down the other day and wrote a loooooong blog, only to realize there was an issue and it wouldn’t post and I lost it (because I didn’t write it in Word first like I sometimes do, but tried to save myself a few seconds of work.) Bit me in the butt. We’ll see if it works today.

Trying to stay steady, to maintain. Our lives are good and we are grateful but many that we know are struggling hard in one way or another. It’s hard to watch someone you love suffer in any way, and know there is nothing you can do but hope, pray (if you do), and wait it out. It Is What it Is. My most used phrase of the 2020s. When you can do nothing, you have to lay it down, let it go. Grieve when you must.

I am certainly a person who could easily make myself sick with worry, but I swore a long time ago Not to be that person, or at least to work hard on learning to let go of what you cannot control or change. I think that is one of the hardest lessons to learn–to stay steady in the midst of chaos or pain or stress. I’ve come a long way but have not totally arrived. The danger is going too far in the other direction and hardening your heart, putting too many walls up, forgetting how to love and care. No danger there, at least I’ve always felt too sensitive for my own good. (Thus the need to learn these lessons, build some kind of walls, lest I allow myself to be utterly destroyed.)

The world has changed so much these last few years as to sometimes seem unrecognizable. Many say it’s God’s wrath, but I never buy such answers, mainly because any God I could believe in, would never dole out such hurt and suffering on the good and the bad alike. There seems to be no justice at all to be had. I think it’s life on planet earth, viruses happen, shit happens, if you will, and it lands on all of us alike. Tidal waves, earthquakes… not the hand of a loving God at all, just life on this spinning ball. We like tidier answers than that, but I think that’s the truth of it.

Life happens. Shit happens. Illness and death happen, even to the good, the faithful, the kind, the believer and non-believer alike. That cannot be justice, therefore it cannot be the hand of any just god. Simple math to me.

For whatever reason, we have been planted here on this spinning ball and left (by and large) to fend for ourselves. The true colors of humanity are coming to the forefront, some good, wonderful, kind… many power-mad or simply mad and concerned only with themselves. Either the scale has tipped toward the dark side, or we just never knew how many hurting, broken people there were out there before the internet age. (And by that I mean, the hurting broken ones that decide to turn ugly and act out in various ways.) Not all who wander are lost, not all who are hurting choose to hurt others.

I’ll give this decade one thing, it isn’t going to be boring. Always some new “fresh hell” around the corner. It is what it is.

But there is still GOOD. If anything, I recognize the good now, more than ever. Good people. Good hearts. Heroes. Innocence that we don’t want to see destroyed. Hope, faith, gentleness, self-control… it does still exist. It stands out, now, and I mean the True, the Real, not just those that claim a particular faith, but the Real shows up and comes through. Those that are genuine and kind are beacons of hope in an ever-maddening world. And they exist in any and every area. These are my truest heroes. In these are where I place my hope.

I once thought only those in church (of faith) were the good ones. Then I thought those of faith were the deluded ones. And now I know that we are all one people, each doing the very best we can with what we know. Each choosing how best to cope, how to maintain our hearts, our kindness, in whatever way we choose, and we are fortunate to be able to do so. Those who cope, they each find their way… and those who cannot cope… I only hope they don’t allow despair to turn them to darkness, meanness, selfishness, hate.

We are (as humans) forever looking for pat answers, the black and white of it all, but we live in GRAY so there is this disconnect. The pat answers don’t speak to the gray, the real life issues and problems. The real people. We like our organization, to tick all the boxes, sum people up and file them away, but we are so much more than that. People are so much more than a checkmark.

If only we opened our eyes to what and who we could be to and for each other, stopped the dividing lines, and began to embrace each other again. Sometimes what is so hard, is seeing what it could be… what we could be. I see it. It seems an unreachable goal, but I can almost taste it.

But here we are, in the gray, and it is what is. Peace to you all, my friends. Stay safe and love each other.

Posted on

How I feel TODAY (September 10) and also, coping with fear and crisis

The world cracks and I end up in my bubble, cocooning, then watch so much crime TV that I’m stressed out all over again. Why do I do it? I do so love my detective stories. Most recently a lot of Brit Box and Acorn TV stuff.

I was thinking earlier today about how we all respond so differently to crisis. Fight or Flight broken down into many subcategories. Some run away, some fight by angry posts and fear-mongering, themselves overwhelmed by their own fear and confusion, up to and including violent outbursts. Some need to figure out and fall back and study everything, trying to find answers, weed through the crap-ton of crap and wheedle out a bit of truth. Some hide away completely. Some lose their ability to cope entirely. Some fear the end of all things and give in to the “The Sky is Falling” mentality.

Soooo much change these days. Look at just the change of going from a society without internet to a society WITH it. MAJOR change. We are bombarded with information day & night, and unfortunately, we have as much constant access to BS and conspiracy theories and extremist rants as to anything resembling reality. And it’s blasted hard for most to tell the difference. Our fears are played on, we’re manipulated and dance to tunes we never should be listening to. The only way I cope is by Zooming Out.

It’s good to step back, get away from all the noise and get your own senses in order again. It’s also good to protect yourself from the madness all around us.

I think planet Earth has been around a very long time and will be here long after this current crisis has come and gone, and may indeed still be around after we humans kill ourselves off. Civilizations rise and fall, it has always been thus. I think if planet Earth feels like we’re warring against her, she may very well win the battle in the end. We’re a plague of locusts to her.

I’ve come to believe that most truth is to be found in scientific provable fact. It gets difficult when fact is hard to winnow out and we begin to mistrust everything and everyone. Many fall back on their faith systems because, well, they’ve been taught to for one, and also they have no utter idea how else to cope but to hope and pray that something or someone somewhere (ie their God) is on top of things and in control. Cuz dammit someone needs to be. We don’t like it when we feel that things are out of control; never have, never will.

When I began to deconstruct out of my earlier faith system and worldview, it was scary, as HELL. I used to believe that I was super-protected by an invisible force. As I began to disbelieve that, it rocked my world. It’s the easiest thing in the world to run and hide and be afraid of everyone and everything, (and I was going through all of this way before we ever heard of Covid-19, a whole other reason to be shaken or frightened.) It started as much as twelve or fifteen years ago.

But life is scary, WAS scary even before the pandemic. It always will be. It takes courage indeed to press on when all you’ve ever thought to be real, comes crashing down around you. I know I’m not the only one who has experienced this in one way or another. Maybe your faith system hasn’t changed but your world has been rocked by things happening we all never believed could happen. By our constant access to negativity, fear-mongering, and way too much information coming at us all at once. In some way, we’ve all been shaken.

But. Strangely, I have found peace. I find peace in art. In the ocean. In the eyes and faces and hearts of some truly beautiful people. I find it by turning OFF the noise and social media (for the most part) and hearing from individuals. By people helping people to cope and get through. There are still so many good folks in this world. Hurting, confused, but good. We have to help each other through this, but with love, compassion and a listening ear. Put away the biased rants, the blame-game, and just hug someone, just love someone.

I was once so afraid to let anyone IN. I still kinda can be. But if we ever needed each other, it’s now.

Hope floats. Love heals. Peace wins.

Peace Out.

Posted on

August 2021

It’s the end of August and I haven’t blogged for a bit. Upgraded my phone and laptop this year and we bought a new (to us) home, so we have been busy.

It seems like the last few years have been about new beginnings, but like over and over. I am so ready to SETTLE in for a bit. We love our area and the friends we’ve made in Central Florida. We adore our new place and the neighborhood seems to be very amenable to walking and being outdoors and making friends. If I can get some cooler temps coming in (which should be soon) I want to start walking outside instead of just doing my bike in the house. I have been enjoying the pool though during this summer heat.

Now if we can just get Covid and its many mutations to Go the F Away and stay away. If only. My hopes are that the world (and our state) will be far more clear of this mess by Christmas.

What a couple years, eh? Batshit. The fear, the Unknown, the lack of control we all felt (that some handled better than others) and the complete inability for some to accept what was happening… (all totally normal, I suppose, under the circumstances). We all have had such different experiences and backgrounds, our personalities can be so utterly different, different ages, all sorts of things, so, of course, we respond uniquely. If there is anything we humans (maybe especially Americans) love, it’s control. It’s being in the know. We want the skinny and we want it NOW.

But I wonder how we will recover in the long-term. How can we ever go back to who we once were? Maybe the answer is that we cannot. I truly hope we can be smarter, more compassionate, more willing to share with one another in an atmosphere of love and acceptance… but I don’t see evidence of it. Our world, our nation has been rocked and it has changed, I’m not sure for the better. A lot of people, myself included, are more afraid to fly than ever before. (And I’m not even talking about the risk of the virus, but how people have been behaving.) There are more (or at least more obvious) mental health issues than ever before. We’ve all been traumatized. Some folks just don’t seem well, not at all. Kindness and compassion go out the window and full-on meltdowns are the go-to response to, well, anything. It’s like we’ve had ENOUGH and cannot take any more.

Where in the world will we end up?? Heaven only knows.

Early on in the pandemic, I found some ways for me to cope. 1) I take one day and one decision at a time. It helps me NOT to feel overwhelmed. 2) I had my “F U” moment. I think everyone needs this, the moment where you scream at the top of your lungs “F you and F that and F Covid!” Etc, etc. Mine lasted a bit. I had some old stuff to get out, and this helped me more than anything I’ve tried, to destress, let go of old anger and old stuffed trauma and memories. Anger and hurt that is stuffed down will find its way out, be it days, weeks, or years later. It comes out physically and emotionally and can and does make us sick. The Only Way Out is Through. I learned to stop stuffing. 3) similar to 2, and this began even well before the pandemic, I take care of myself and have gotten a little therapy, learned to be fully myself, have my opinions and independence, and without beating up others in the process.

I’ve learned that I’m not just okay, I’m more than okay. I love and I am loved. I love and care for myself and my uniqueness and I value it. All those old messages of Not being quite good enough have been kicked to the curb and have no power over me now. I don’t feel the same pressures I used to, to fit in or make others happy. I am me, come along for the ride or get away, I really don’t care anymore. (Some of this freedom comes with age!) As we get older, and also having been through times of crisis, we can more clearly see the ridiculousness of some of the things we used to fret about. Ideally, old falsehoods and bad habits and attitudes burn away. I focus on health, in every area.

I’m a recovering perfectionist, still working on it. I believe it goes along with trying too hard for too many years to please everyone around me. It made me critical. I still struggle with this every day, but I have my head on straight finally.

I take responsibility (and this is a biggie) for me. For all I do or say. I don’t do the blame game or gaslight or manipulate others in order to make myself feel better. I see way too much of this behavior in the world today, and I refuse to participate. But neither do I apologize too frequently, or if I genuinely have no reason to; I live an unapologetic real life.

I was thinking about people who cut (hurt themselves) or have other methods of what I believe to be Release. For me, writing is a release, even if I repeat myself or vent or make no sense at all. Drawing, painting, and being creative helps me, too. I was thinking about how we can learn more positive forms of “pressure release” so that so many people don’t have to go through life self-medicating or self-harming, just to get by. We’ve got to get better. We have to do BETTER.

I truly hope and pray we humans grow from these past months and years. That we learn to cope without hurting ourselves or others. I truly hope for healing.

Peace Out for now my friends-

Posted on

Late July (like my favorite cracker brand)

Haven’t blogged in ages but I’ve been writing in my journals; you remember– longhand. A lost art. Somehow it vibes differently.

We are in the midst of moving house. We’re taking advantage of the wild market and making a move that should set us up nicely for our future. Wouldn’t have even thought of it, but for the market going nuts and the interest rates being so low. We finally decided a move would be adventurous and we still had just enough adventure left in us to do so (though now I’m beginning to wonder… I may be getting too old for this.) Will soon close on our current home and hope to be in new one by mid-August.

So many lessons we learn in this life… patience, gratitude, living in the present moment… all good things. Annoying AF on the way to learning them. But good things.

We’ve been getting out and about more since we got vaxxed but I am concerned about the world at large. I get why some don’t maybe want to get vaxxed but also believe they have then a huge responsibility to wear masks and be responsible. Some claim to be against fear, and yet are so afraid of the vaccine. Makes no logical sense to me. I certainly don’t live in fear. But I do take my responsibilities to my fellow man seriously. I came to the conclusion that there IS NO perfect answer. Sometimes life is hard and it sucks and there are viruses and all manner of bad things that happen. Virus–BAD. Side effects–if you get them from vaccine–BAD. It’s a crapshoot. Such is life on planet earth and it is not for the feint of heart.

I have friends and family that have chosen not to vaccinate. I don’t necessarily agree with their decision, but in such bizarre times I am finding more and more that I do not want to judge the actions of others. They are where they are, I am where I am. Each of us must decide for ourselves, along with a million other decisions every day, large and small. In such times, I conclude, I have no right to judge. We all do the best we can with what we know. The best we can in our own lives. Trying to force everyone (or anyone) to believe as I do has only left me with a headache from banging my head on the wall. To be trite, YOU do YOU and I’ll do me.

For a while there I shut a lot of people out. I tend to do that–push people away that disagree with me–but eventually you will find yourself very alone doing such a thing. I’ve always kinda been a “Why can’t we all just get along?” kinda gal. So I am trying to put that into practice. There are so many people out there that I find so many things to love about–and have to stop letting one or two small differences keep me from friendship. They say “No man is an island” and I have truly tried to be one (outside of my family) I have shut many people out. I have had impossible standards at times. I am trying to get over it. This f-ing virus and political fighting has done so much to destroy us and beat us down and pit us against one another, I wonder if we as a country will ever really get over it.

And when I pop my head out and look around and the BS fighting and politics and fear-mongering is all I see, it’s way too easy to cocoon myself away again. But I will keep doing some of that under the heading of Self Care or Boundaries or Knowing My Limits. I only have so much emotional and physical energy these days and I flat out refuse to give it away on drama and nonsense. So maybe some of the “keeping people at arm’s length” isn’t all bad…? Maybe? Depending on what they bring to the relationship. Come at me with love, patience, humor, empathy and understanding, and we will get along. Come my way with judgment, drama, hatred, bigotry, or ignorance and you will see me pulling back. I guess in the end, a girl’s gotta do what a girl’s gotta do.

I hope you are all coping well and making good decisions and finding and keeping your peace. Stay well, my friends, and peace out.

Posted on

Ever Changing World (Coming Out of the Dark)

Reading Medicine Woman by Lucy H Pearce currently. A good book. It highlights a lot of the issues we have today with seeking health and healing, particularly we women.

I don’t tend to read a LOT of non-fiction these days. Maybe it’s because I’m a writer, but I find a lot of non-fiction writing to be full of supposition and personal opinion with some statistics thrown in. (Outside of reading about philosophy or psychology or history, that sort of thing, outside of informational and educational reading) much of what is out there might fall under self-help and will outline someone’s idea of what one should do, and hey, there’s nothing wrong with that, I’d just mostly rather, at this point in my life, think for myself. I’ve spent a lot of time figuring out a lot of things, (so much so that I might write my own book so that I could share with others what they should do–hehe–) but nah. I have a manuscript begun that is part autobiography and part “things I’ve learned” but I don’t know if I’ll ever finish it for publication. I have a tendency to want to encourage people to think for themselves (in fact the manuscript I’m speaking of is chock full of that kind of encouragement) but there is so much personal and family and past relationship in it, that it was cathartic for me to write, but not necessarily something I’m ready to share. And even if I wanted to do so, there is still much work to be done on it.

Also waiting to be completed is my beachy novel about a server on Flagler Beach; her life and times and struggles and loves. I’ve so NOT been in the mood to write these past months, (at least not on larger projects) so I’ve become the Queen of Procrastination. I write poetry occasionally, draw, color, and I’ve been in a season of reading a TON. I’ve always been a big reader, but in the last six months I’ve been out-doing even my own self, averaging three to four books a week. (I’ve always felt that if I’m not writing, I should be reading, it’s almost the only acceptable substitute.)

And then there’s streaming TV and time-sucking gaming, oh so much gaming.

I’ve seen most of my kids n grands in recent months, though the Virginia wing of the fam I’m still anxious to see. I’d love for them to fly out, but also I’d love to feel it’s perfectly safe for them to fly. Maybe I want a guarantee that cannot be given. But hopefully soon.

I finally decided to get the vax, chose the one I wanted and I’ve taken one dose, the other to come Thursday. In the end, I’m more afraid of my bod reacting badly to Covid-19 than I am of the vax. It’s a scary world.

Seems Georgia is lifting their mask mandate and many, if not all, of their Covid restrictions. (Two of our kids live there with their families.) Florida governor says something similar is in the works for us here as well. Maybe we are at a point where the worst is truly behind us. I’ve been slowly beginning to socialize with those outside of my household again, and it’s both exciting and scary. I joked the other day, “Pam Swyers: Socially awkward since the 70’s, waaayy super socially awkward since 2019.” For realz.

Nothing newly earth-shattering for me to share today. Hoping to see a friend tomorrow, then I admit I’m nervous about my second shot, will be glad when that’s behind me.

We’re slowly beginning to peek out around the corner, gently step out into the sun, and try to feel normal again. It feels good, I gotta say. High fives and elbow rubs to all, as we navigate the real world again. Let’s be kind to one another, yes??

Peace Out.

Posted on

Don’t Jump Into the Ocean if you Don’t Want to Get Wet

Don’t jump into the ocean and expect NOT to get wet. In the same way, as soon as you open your mind to learn and grow, as soon as you begin to study and read and look with an eye towards learning new information, new facts, you will change, it is inevitable. Just as swimming makes your clothes soaked, you cannot help but take in the new information and change accordingly. (Not rumor and conspiracy theory here, but actual facts and knowledge.) It will change you, grow you, and there will be no going back.

And learning is addictive.

Fortunately, we live in a time where information on Astronomy, Archeology, Biology, Sciences of all kinds, History, key figures that have made a difference, war, philosophy, religion… it’s all at our fingertips. There literally is no excuse for ignorance these days.

Well, “busy-ness” it’s legit. Many don’t have time to learn, or so they think. But even if you made a point of reading a book a month (and outside of subjects–or religions–you’ve studied before) you will learn and grow and change. I say that about “outside of your religion” simply because censorship is WRONG and it’s one of the wrongest wrongs that has ever been wrong. Being told NOT to read something is as good as saying “I intend to keep you down, limit your knowledge, control you.” There are universes of knowledge, information, stories, that need to be read, must be read, if we are to grow and heal. If we are to learn not to hate “race x” then we must read their stories, know them, seek understanding. Same with religion x or political party x. Read and study all of it, get out of your box, gather information, read, study, think. Stimulate the little grey cells.

Then give yourself time, however long it takes, to go deep within yourself and find out what YOU think. Not your mama or your preacher or teacher, but YOU. This is how we grow.

Make friends with people outside of your age/race/sexual identification/religion. Be open.

Open your heart. Open your mind.

Your world will grow.

It’s fear, simply put. Fear of putting aside tradition or what he or she taught you. How it’s always been.

We accepted fire, and indoor plumbing, we need to be open to accepting more new things. It’s how we grow. It’s how we change.

And change is GOOD. (Painful at times, but very good.)

Posted on

Deconstruction or Annihilation

One of the first “Jenga bricks” to be pulled out for me, was realizing that I had no special protection for being a Christian. I’d heard and read this theology of “umbrella of protection” that basically teaches that if I’m really good and behave myself I will be protected from all harm. Once that brick was pulled the rest of the demolition was easy. It all fell apart.

The 2nd biggie was realizing that I really, deep down, once I really stepped back and examined things, canNOT in good conscience believe that the bible is literal. There’s just too much batshit stuff in there. Zooming out helped me come to the conclusion that a lot of it was the time/culture/ignorance they were living in combined with patriarchal beliefs and that need for control that men have had from the beginning. I believe there is a lot of good stuff in there, but also a lot of nonsense, capped off with what is basically a voodoo curse in the back. (Even though we also should not suffer a witch to live.) So use magics when and how I say, is what they were thinking. Patriarchy. Control. The boot on the neck. Yeah.

Ya wanna talk magics? Raising the dead is dark magic according to anyone who says anything about magic, so… that’s weird. Healing, walking on water, all magic.

So, for me, there are such things as miracles and gifts, but they are not intrinsically good or evil. Just like a gun or knife or fork or ax isn’t good or evil, it’s about who wields the power and how they use it. Many of the recorded “miracles” happened to people who were not even people of faith, so that was telling. Many so-called angelic sightings or NDE’s, same. (Near-death Experiences)

My conclusions then, (and I am not totally done concluding and never will be) is that there is a TON of crap none of us really understand or are even really capable of understanding. Which can be disconcerting and feel like annihilation. The earth moves under our feet. Plagues and pandemics are real. I believe there is life on other planets and we have likely already made first contact, only the powers that be feel we are not able to handle it yet, and they would be right.

I mean FFS. Look at how we have just been behaving about science and medicine and fact.

So. What does this mean for the person who feels the way I do? How do we cope? We learn One Day at a Time. We struggle, we enjoy every moment we possibly can. We accept that there is much we cannot understand or control. We fight to survive.

Peace Out, peeps!

Posted on

Grow Up, Rise Up

Thinking today about how easily people are offended especially by cuss words. If ever there was a time to grow up and rethink your priorities, it is now. (Yeah, I do have a “preacher thing” in me, and it’s riled up, but I won’t sound like a traditional preacher, but will almost definitely offend your mother and probably you.)

It’s past time to pull your head out of the sandbox, put down your tea cup from your little country club churchical tea parties, and look around and say, “What the fuck?” & “Where did we go so wrong?” We need a little, no a LOT more of that.

Offended by “shit”? Well, I’ll tell ya what offends me–hate speech, treating others as “less than” blindly following political morons and religious fanatics, not questioning that -what worked 1,000 years ago is not going to work today.

Consider that-in the time of Christ, if a prophet had a vision, they’d describe seeing “an angel” or “a flaming chariot” in the sky…. Now zoom forward to today. Can we not take perhaps a slightly different perspective? Do we not know a zillion things more today about science, technology, space and other galaxies and universes? Are we truly supposed to keep our heads in a mindset that was established when people could never fathom airplanes and thought the earth was a flat expanse of a few thousand miles and that the sun died each evening and recreated itself each morning (they did in some areas, maybe still do.)?

If you want to be offended, be offended by hatefulness disguised in superiority, blind, willful ignorance.

I am not a person who wants to go around destroying people’s faiths, and as I said to someone a few months back, I DO have a faith of a sort, it just may not look like yours. Because my head is firmly OUT of the sandbox. I see the world as it is, I see what we’ve done to it and how our own fear and hate and prejudice will absolutely bring about destruction, if we do not move to stop it.

Cheeseball as it sounds, it is time for all “people of light and love and compassion and empathy and hope and faith” (for lack of a better way to frame it–the “good” side of the force)–to rise up and love one another, set aside your ignorance and learn and grow and LOVE for fuck’s sake. (Yeah, I did that purposefully.) Maybe I will offend and shock some into thinking about their priorities. I hope so. Grow some ovaries (or balls) and stand up for what is right. If you think you were taught something out of scripture that justifies killing, hate, prejudice, and willful ignorance, I feel sorry for you and I think you may be backing the wrong horse. Get off the crazy train before it’s too late.

I cannot help but “preach” my own special brand of message, and if it offends your delicate sensibilities, you know where the door is. Ovary up. Sack up. Rise up. The time of the delicate flower and the tea parties is over.

(And BTW there are something like 50 trillion billion planets, I hope you do not still hold on to believing earth holds the only life in all the universes.) Learn. Grow. Study. Open your mind. Faith and facts are not mutually exclusive, if you’re willing to open your mind and heart.

If you care to discuss, I won’t on Facebook but you can email me at plswyers@gmail.com. Haters needn’t bother.

Friggin’ Peace Out, babes!

Posted on

Adulting.

I was thinking today about two things: One, how we get to know who we really are, and Two, Deciding who we want to be. I spent a lot of time (years!) on the first one, and these days I think a lot more on the second. I often find myself asking these questions:

Do I want to be THAT person? That says THAT thing? Or does THAT?

When I need to make a decision, as small as calling a friend or as large as changing life in more profound ways (moving or something else that is a BIG decision) I stop and really think about what I’m doing, what I’m saying, and WHO (what kind of person) I want to be.

So I started off knowing who I am now, past and present, and then transitioned into thinking about looking forward. Am I fully who/how I want to be? I’ve become so aware.

It’s adulting, isn’t it? Fully realizing that each and every decision we make has a consequence, be it good or bad or somewhat neutral. Adulting at its finest. Who I surround myself with has consequences. Who I love. How I choose to put myself “out there” to others. It all matters, if even in the tiniest of ways.

I’ve watched a lot of movies recently and one theme I really see a lot, is that one person saying one thing to someone can have a profound impact. (Sometimes the impact is good and sometimes bad.) I don’t wanna be a person who gets utterly shut down, worrying about what I say and do and what others think about it, but also, I want to be aware. As much as possible I really want to be a person that encourages others.

I want to be the one that others feel they can talk to and share their lives with. I want to be open. Secure. Settled. Wise. And even when I find differences between myself and someone else, I want to love and accept them despite these differences, as much as possible. I’ve often said we are not all the same and were not meant to be, and how boring would that be—so I want to walk that out.

It can be HARD especially if I feel profoundly and deeply about something and maybe others take issue with it, but adulting can also mean, knowing when to break away. When you’ve done all you can, let it be. Let people be who they are, and if we just can’t click, so be it. Peace. You go your way and I’ll go mine, but I wish you no ill will.

Maybe I’m finally getting the knack of this adulting thing. I hope so cuz I think it’s here to stay for me.

When I was young back in Oklahoma, we had these neighbors, twin girls, and one said about their sister, “Next time I’m gonna be born with the mole on my leg.” One of those random things I remember because it struck me how she thought she’d be doing it all again. (She was about three, I think.)

My son once said when he was a similar age, when we were discussing growing up, that when he grew down, he was going to do this and that. He thought that people grew up and then grew back down to infancy. I don’t think I’ll be growing back down, so I’d better get used to this.

Acceptance. A large part of adulting.

Peace Out, my friends!

Posted on

Day to Day Feb 24

Gonna go back through a lot of my writings and maybe delete some things, which kinda goes against all I stand for, but I’m entering a new and different place or phase, and I don’t want some of the more negative stuff following me around like an online ghost. Knowing full well of course, that what is out out there, is always out there, to some degree, but I want my pages and blogs to reflect more of what I am and less of what I was.

Such a strange time to be alive on planet Earth. (I’ve said this a lot before and I’m sure I will again.)

Pretty well adjusted to The New Normal by this time. Don’t go out a lot, usually only to pick something up from Target or Publix, always with my mask on, being good, thinking of others. Wearing a mask is about others, for me. I’m fortunate enough NOT to have to wear one all day in a work situation and I feel for those who do.

Most days I’m in a really good place, emotionally. Isolation can still be hard but way easier for me than for some. I tend to be a solitary person for the most part, even under the best of circumstances. There are few people I care to hang out with or be around on the regular. But there are a couple people I miss.

Hubs and I are joined at the hip. We kinda always have been but then we moved to Florida and he began to work from home and that took things to a new level, then the pandemic, and even another level. I have to say that being THIS CLOSE to someone is a new thing in my life. He is my person. If he were not, I think it would’ve ended us. (I say this only because I feel like it would undo any relationship that wasn’t rock solid. Glad ours is.) He has been my closest confidante and friend, my world and my everything and I’m so thankful for him. I can’t help but think about single people who are uber-isolated and alone and I feel for them. My gratitude helps keep me sane. (That’s been a thing with me, gratitude grounds me.)

For me, closeness has always come hand in hand with fear of losing someone so the closer I get to hubs over the years, the more that underlying fear increases, I guess it comes with the package of truly loving someone.

The pandemic has really brought me face to face with death. It’s a thing. A path we all will take one day. We’ve lost so many perfectly wonderful humans to this virus, and to other things. I lost my dad in December. I can’t wait for a brighter, more hopeful day. When the reaper ends its deeper sweep into humanity and the virus fades. If only death could be put back in its place.

I don’t recognize the face in the mirror anymore, I’ve aged so much in the last two years. I’m trying to get to know this new older person staring back at me. But I’ve really gotten to know the person on the inside. I know me, I love me, I’m cool with me. That, at least, feels good.

I put on a few pounds during the holidays, I purposefully loosened the reigns on my “diet” (meaning the way I normally eat), so that I might enjoy a cookie or a slice of my DIL’s homemade goodies, that sort of thing. I couldn’t help but think, “What if I died tomorrow and never had another scone or muffin or bite of cake??” And now I’m paying for it. My body does not tolerate sugar well, it swells immediately when I eat sweets, normal serving sizes, not a pig out, but if I have sweets 3 times in one week, I will pay a dear price. My joints will hurt, my body swells, my clothes don’t fit.

This is how my bod functions. Not sure if others can get away with it, it seems so to me, but I cannot. So now I am trying to tighten back up, eat less sugar, drink more water, do more of what I know to do. But/and/also if I can stay in my same size of clothes, just do THAT well, I’ll be okay cuz I don’t have that driving need to be thinner, thinner, always thinner, that I had when younger. I just want health, that is all. Just a healthy, strong body that will carry me through all of the ups n downs until I take that final journey.

In a sense, growing older is such a loss of innocence, like on a whole new level. I don’t have the luxury of never thinking about my own death anymore. But it’s like anything else, you get to know about it, put away the fear, decide its simply another part of life, as natural as rain. And press on pushing that boulder up that mountain.

I hope my friends are all well and strong and dealing with life. I keep holding on to this old adage, “This, too, shall pass.”