Author: plswyers

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Love Hurts. (Yeah, yeah.)

I wrote a poem about this that is published in the book Heart of Courage but I wanted to talk a bit about this subject, as it is definitely something that defines who I am and it’s something I deal with every day. The idea that, if or when you decide to love someone fully, go “all-in,” you do it knowing full well that, (unless by some twist of fate, you die before everyone else you love), that you will one day experience excruciating, mind-altering, life-changing, gut-wrenching pain. I’ve run from this my whole life in one way or another.

I think I’ve been trying to prepare myself for my parents deaths my entire life, (or from the time I learned of death). Not to go all Sylvia Plath, but for a sensitive like me, learning about and trying to grasp death, and not just your own, but dealing with the deaths of loved ones, well, it’s a daunting prospect. Maybe, even, it is part of why I moved far away from my hometown and put down roots elsewhere. (Deep self-analysis going on here.)

I’ve never had a 30-plus year relationship with anyone before, so there was a time when, after five or seven years with my hubs, I began to get antsy and restless. Noting that I thought I was “all-in” when I married him, there still came a time when that restlessness kicked in. I’ll never forget that time of my life. I really began to struggle, because I knew in my heart that I loved my husband, but trying to shove down my natural inclination to bolt after the new wore off (which I had done my whole life) was difficult. It was one of the very few, and the most powerful and life-changing time, I felt God or the Universe or something deep and profound, speak directly to me. It basically said, “If you leave him, you will cause your sons more unbearable pain, (they had already been through my divorce from their father), your daughter will suffer greatly and will be changed forever. You’ll destroy your husband, a good man who loves you profoundly. Your own life will be a series of failed relationship after failed relationship, leaving an earthquake of damage behind you, everywhere you go.” Something like that. (I was literally shown a mental picture of the flux-capacitor from Back to the Future. If you don’t know what that is, just picture a huge fork in the road.)

I had a good cry, and still knowing I was messed up inside, I made the conscious choice to stay and truly commit and make it work.

All of that to get to the point, that I am so afraid of being left/hurt/broken by others, that I tend to bolt. This has affected every single relationship in my life. Family, friends, boyfriends, husbands… you name it.

Back when I made that decision to stay, it seemed to come with a promise. A promise that my life would go much better and easier, if I just made the right choice then and there. I do believe that has been the case. My life has not been perfect since then, and like anyone’s marriage, ours has had its ups and downs, but I can honestly say that we are better today than we have ever been.

I’m an “over-communicator’ and if you know me much, you know this. I have made sure that he and I have open lines of communication, even though I often have to take hours or days to really dig out of him what is on his mind. (He, like a lot of men, is not an over-communicator.) But we are so close. On our 20th (I think it was) we were asked at a restaurant if we were newlyweds. The waitress had noticed how we smiled and laughed together and held hands across the table. (We still do this. It’s sickening, really.)

My point is, every month, every year, I go more and more “all in” with my hubs. Because I am learning more and more every day how to be whole and healed, which helps me learn how to commit and love just a little more, a bit deeper.

This scares the ever-loving shit out of me.

Unless I go first, I will experience the worst pain ever, if he leaves me or passes away. It will ruin me, I know this. I know it because I have never known love like this before, but I’ve been hurt badly by people I cared about, and I know this kind of pain will blow all of that away.

This is scarier than anything else in my life. I don’t want to know that pain, but it is absolutely part of going all-in. Love is amazing, but sometimes Love Hurts. Intentionally or not. Putting your heart fully out there is opening yourself up to immense pain. I still haven’t perfected it. But I am committed to trying. The only other relationship I know that compares is my love for my kids and grands. A couple super-close friends.

But I have spent years perfecting the “dine – and – dash” of relationships. Most recently (since I’ve been married) I’ve been doing it with friendships. I’ve been a very sucky bad friend. I’ve at times avoided people I care about. I’ve even seemed to be pushing them away. This year I realized this a bit more, because, well, I am continually working on me.

If you are a friend that felt any connection with me and have been hurt by me pushing you away, I want to apologize. I’ve been a scaredy-cat. I’m afraid of being hurt, so I hurt others first, even though it took me some time to realize it. I don’t want to be that person.

And, of course, that said, there are a very few people I have pushed away absolutely on purpose (boundaries) and this is usually men who are misogynists or anyone that I feel I just do not connect with and we are just too different. I don’t have time or energy left to try to explain to someone wanting to be my friend, why I am the way I am on a daily basis, so, often times, I just cut off that relationship, be at peace. Go find someone more like you, if that is what you need. (That’s a very small few.)

Yeah, Love Hurts, and sometimes stinks, like the song says. I love people. I don’t always like them. They don’t always like me. I am so cool with that. Not gonna change me so that you can like me, but I am going to try harder to be kinder and gentler and friendlier to those I do genuinely connect with. I’m fighting my own demons over here, so please be patient. I’m learning.

The book Heart of Courage is available on Amazon-you can search my name to find it. It was written by myself and three other amazing poets from around the country: Nicholas Trandahl, Fiona Summerville, and Kelsi Rose. Pick it up if you have a mind to.

Peace Out

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A Little Prayer

If you’re up there listening, whomever, whatever you are

I’m earnest in my search for truth

I don’t believe in the religious boxes of man

I believe in doing all I can

To be truthful

To be good to myself and others

and prayer as a construct left me for a while

but the lines of communication are always open

every thought moving between me and thee

whomever, whatever you are.

Look out for the smallest, the weakest, the different.

Look out for the victims of the bullies, no matter what clothing they wear or insignia is attached to their breasts.

Protect the unprotected

love the unloved

stand for the fallen

speak up for the hearts true, tilt things in their favor.

From one who doesn’t pray much or often but speaks out constantly

hear this little prayer

for all of us

to you.

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Daily Blog Mon June 8 Coming Into the Light

Think I’ll make this another edition of “Things I’ve Learned” as well.

*There are no 2 people that are ever going to agree on everything and despite what social media tries to teach us, it’s okay.

*I seem to be drawn to good people, genuine people with awesome hearts (even when we don’t agree on every single thing on Earth.) I click with people or not. I value vulnerability, a recognition that none of us get out of this life with no scars. None of us are perfect and who gets to define “perfect” anyway? (Probably no-one.)

*Though I’ve been victimized in the past, that doesn’t make me a victim. I’m a survivor. Over the last twelve or fifteen years, I’ve been working on myself a ton, (some therapy, lots of just plain old hard work getting it together and processing old stuff and figuring out who I am now.) I feel like I was stuck in a certain area of growth for many, many years and it required me to push through some things, un-bury, feel, and push through.

To the outsider I know this has looked a bit odd, and some who genuinely care about me haven’t known what was up. I finally feel like I’m coming out of a tunnel, stepping into the light. And if I can feel good about that or anything at this moment in time with all that the world is going through, it must be real.

*Remember back in the pre-internet days when we could meet someone and like them and NOT argue about everything all the time? Let’s ponder. That was friendship.

*For many, maybe most years of my life, I bent over backwards to fit in, burying my own thoughts, feelings, and opinions. Tried to always be NICE. Easy to get along with, never make trouble. I’ve let others think and speak for me for waaayyy tooo long. I don’t do that anymore. (Still pretty nice unless ya push me.) I have boundaries, oh and thoughts and opinions. They may not line up with yours.

Because I felt censored most of my life, told what to believe and what to say, I don’t take kindly to it nowadays. That means you’re probably always gonna know what I think. I described it to a friend once as “feeling like someone has always been trying to put a hand over my mouth… forever.” I’m the only one who gets to censor me now.

*One truth for me is that I believe with all of my heart that women should be treated equally with men in rights and respect. Same pay, listened to the same as men, have the same opportunities as men. Women have been treated as objects for far too long and they’ve often had better hearts, more compassion, and at times have more intelligence and qualifications than their male peers or bosses. Not always, sometimes. It needs to stop. Good men need to start standing up for good women. Standing up against their peers who would make perverted jokes about women, mistreat them, or abuse them.

Until good men stand with us, things will never change. Stop worrying about being a “bro” and start being a decent human being. As a popular comedian Hannah Gadsby once said, “Men, Pull your socks up!”

(I know some of these good men and I’m ever-so thankful for them and we need so many more.) Of course the same is true for any or every minority. Good people have got to start standing up for every minority, stand in front of them when necessary. Only then will things change. Now is not the time to stay silent in the face of hatred, bigotry, prejudice, or misogyny.

There was a sign in my kid’s bedroom while they were growing up, it said, “Stand up for what is right, even if you stand alone.” I still believe this. (And I’m proud of my kids, and I believe they have lived this out.) Character. Integrity. It matters.

Come on out into the light. It’s warm here. The sun is shining.

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Today’s quick thoughts

I’m not sure what it is or how it will manifest but something good happened today, something in my heart and soul. There was an almost audible “click,” the kind of thing that happens when the gray cells are getting stimulated, when some new bit of wisdom is busy making a home inside me somewhere… a kind of knowing. Wisdom. I think that was its name.

I can’t wait to see how it changes me.

Something is new and different. Something from above, a gift from the universe or the heavens. A new measure of strength? It’s amazing what can happen when you open your heart, mind, and soul to growth and change.

I know so many people, and I used to be one, that think there is this finite group of knowledge and they found it by age 40 and then they shut down and refuse to change, to see anything new. I don’t want to be that.

I won’t be, not ever, ever again.

The only person I will ever, ever change–is me.

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We the People

Talking with hubs this evening about the constitution and how we are supposed to be a country for the people, ran by the people. Our voices were meant to be heard from the very beginning.

Setting aside for the moment that we came to this country and conquered and claimed it, when they got around to writing the constitution it was meant to be a document that ensured that the people’s voices would be heard, that we wouldn’t have to be oppressed or shut down or dominated without representation or even taxed without representation.

Oh how very far we have come.

I grew up in a small town and way before the internet and cell phones, so in retrospect, I think it seems like a somewhat isolated environment. Perhaps everyone from generations past feels this way. Their (our) whole world was our home, out parents, our little town, we didn’t know anything else. We knew what we were told. End of story.

Now here we are living in the Information Age. We get bombarded with information and data all damn day long, and to make it worse, we have a whole section of people who’s sole purpose is to put out fake news for us to wade through. It’s a lot of change in a very small amount of time. A lot to cope with.

Once upon a time we could be easily distracted and controlled. “Keep ’em busy working and trying to put food on the table, there will be no time or energy left to think about revolution.”

Monday through Friday we work, exhausted on the weekends, just wanting a bit of peace and quiet. Or some fun time or down time. Maybe church on Sunday. And Monday morning it starts all over again.

And this is life.

We are heading into a great time of change. We are in an age when we have more time to think, more time to find things to do that we enjoy. The world opened up for everyone with the internet, personal computers and cell phones. It was no longer just my little house on my little street in my little town. We could find out about the entire world with the click of a button. And then the shit really hit the fan. (Other people? Other opinions? Different people?? Ack!!)

America has been a busy and industrious country, staying so busy chasing the dollar that we didn’t notice that we forgot our voices and our hearts, that we are a country meant to be governed by us, you and me, every day average Joe’s and Janes. We have the power to change our country. Somewhere along the way, we’ve forgotten.

During this time when people care more about stopping the oppression of people than they even do their very lives (because of Covid-19 and gas-happy police), we are once again being forced to scream at the top of our lungs, to protest, to make our voices be heard. They’re pushing people back into a revolutionary mindset. Pushing people so hard and so far that they have no choice but to break or be broken, to fight or to die. To scream out the injustice at all costs. You can only hold someone down for so long, stand on their necks for so long, and then something is gonna pop. And what has really changed is nothing more than being able to now capture it on camera in real time. Post it quickly before it’s “lost.” No longer can we stick our heads in the sand and explain it away or justify it.

Either you stand for justice or you don’t. You stand for love and peace, or you don’t. You love your brothers and sisters in the black community and of every race, color, and nationality, or you don’t. No more ifs, ands, or buts.

The other day I blocked a gal on one of my social media pages for talking about how she was a Christian and she was sick to death of all of this black stuff. (Seriously,)

You stand for Jesus? WWJ-freaking D? I ask you. If you think Jesus is on board with racism then you don’t get it, I dare say. You don’t follow any Jesus I ever met, that’s for sure. There are many reasons I don’t align myself with the Christian church any longer, and these sorts of attitudes play a big part. (And because I despise labels and prejudice, I will say that likely not every single Christian feels this way.) But the church OUGHT to stand for justice, for freedom, for love, and I’ll say even standing up with a brother or sister, even one from a different race or religious background. Protecting them with your very life.

I could quote you scripture but I don’t play that game. (I quote this one, you quote another to back up whatever agenda you have.) If you stand for a god that stands for racism then I don’t follow your god. No loving person would. Period. I certainly refuse to follow a hateful one.

In our country, there are a couple ways we could amend the constitution and my brilliant hubby brought this up this evening. Ways that are not being tried or implemented. Political scientists are no doubt discussing these things, people who know and understand it all way better than I do.

We have power, our voices matter. At least they are supposed to. We’ve gotten incredibly lazy. We’ve grown used to violence and bi-partisan division, racism, strife, and all manner of craziness.

We are given a chance to vote a new person into the White House every four years. Personally I am appalled that we only get two people (really) to choose from, because only those with money will ever make it onto a ticket. Choose Republican or Democrat. We have a zillion choices of clothing to wear or ways to mix a latte’ but let’s just offer people 2 money-backed choices for the leader of the free world. I’ve always hated feeling like I sometimes have to vote for the lesser of two evils. But this is our fucked up system.

Sometimes it feels like there is no-one to vote for that isn’t crooked. And sometimes we just have to look closely at both major front-runners and make a choice based on our morals and ethics. Nobody is perfect, that’s the truth, but for me, someone who has been heard repeatedly saying things that are misogynistic, racist, bigoted, and above all, just plain idiotic, will never get my vote. Way back when, I knew nothing about him, (DT) but I began to learn as soon as he opened his mouth.

I know that DT knows how to make money. Maybe once upon a time people thought that was enough to make a good president. I really hope you don’t find that to be the only requirement for you. I will never understand the hero-worship of the dude, not as long as I live. Republicans seem to be willing to forgive absolutely anything these days. Geez, even the dudes on Fox News are beginning to back away from him, That should tell you something. But I don’t care if you’re a Republican or a Democrat, I want to know where your heart’s at. If you blindly follow your party, explain to me why? Justify it for me, because I don’t think you can.

Stop being a Republican or a Democrat and start being a human being with a heart and a mind of your own. If this happened all over, it would topple the bi-partisan system. I don’t believe there are enough people who think for themselves to do this yet, but one can hope. And for me, I also hope we will begin to get some strong female leadership in DC. But misogyny is as rampant as ever and the rich white dudes would likely never stand for it.

It’s time we found our voices again. Instead of standing for the guy with the most money maybe we could start thinking about what’s important again. Things like, standing for the oppressed. Dealing with racism and hatred based only on a person’s religion or skin color. Maybe it’s time to revamp our educational system so that people learn about compassion and empathy at least as much as they learn how to get themselves into the right neighborhoods and schools. Reading, writing, arithmetic, compassion and empathy 101. Yes, please. Teach kids to be kind and loving and how to change a tire, balance a checkbook, wash dishes, and kick ass when needed. (Not promoting violence, but self-defense needs to be taught.) Maybe a little Krav Maga or something after meditation class.

If you want to read more about the constitution, see the link below. Find your voice, good, loving, compassionate people of the world. Let’s run this sucker like it was meant to be run. Instead of MAGA let’s actually make America about its people again.

Peace Out

https://www.usconstitution.net/constam.html

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Blog June 5, 2020 from the Virtual Blanket-Fort

I say “Ow!” when I’m poked. I sometimes lash out when I feel uncomfortable or attacked. I admit it. It’d be hard NOT to be uncomfortable this year, this month, with all that is going on. And growth is painful as a bitch.

This difficult time is definitely making me take stock, re-affirm the things I know to be true and stretch myself way beyond what is comfortable.

When hurt I do tend to retreat to a safe fall-back bunker, a virtual blanket fort of comfort and self-soothing. I’ve been camped there for about three days, trying to heal enough to poke my head back out. (Especially on social media.)

Sigh.

I find myself afraid to speak in such sensitive times. I definitely do feel like everything I say is picked apart.

I’m not a perfect person, I’m a recovering perfectionist, which, in case you have any confusion, is not a really good thing to be. It’s got the word “perfect” stuck right in there, but it is so far from being the reality.

I was looking back at some thoughts I had a few years ago and was able to say that I’ve definitely grown in some areas, but I have a long way to go. I’m not a person who does “politically-correct” very well, I don’t like to be censored. But even more than that, I don’t want to hurt people who are already hurting. But all I know is how to be myself and speak the way I speak and if I inadvertently hurt someone, try to apologize and pick up the pieces the best I can.

My religion is this: LOVE.

My fallback position is this: LOVE

My answer to most of life’s ills is this: LOVE

I don’t pretend to know how to walk out the answers to the world’s troubles, and I don’t believe in pat answers anyway. But more love, more education, hearts and minds that are opened and willing to learn and grow, this is a key for me. If it isn’t key in your life, we’re probably going to butt heads… a lot.

If you think you’ve got it all figured out, we aren’t gonna mesh well. Heaven knows I struggle with my own self daily to strike a balance between confidence and being a know-it-all. I don’t know it all but also, I’ve learned a very tough lesson about adopting the views of other’s blindly and I don’t do that anymore. And yes, I’m prickly about it. But I’m not likely to join a cult, either. I’m not much of a joiner at all these days.

As I DO feel I’m walking on eggshells, I’ll just say this. I’ve been wrong in the past, and I know I still have things to learn, especially about racism. Also I hate being judged by those who don’t know me. I’m prickly about that, too. (I have a lot of my own issues based on my own experiences, as you have yours.) Rest assured, I’m continually working on me. But I cannot and will not blindly adopt the belief systems of others, (especially when their answer is for me to just be more like them.) For me to know something and know it well, deep down, I have to examine it closely for myself. I’ve grown sick of people telling me what to say or who to be. Sick and tired. A prickly point for me? Yes, indeed.

Also, sick of all the hate, bigotry, misogyny, and racism in the world. If you’re trying to fight that, we are more on the same side than you know.

You do you and I’ll stay in my cozy fort continually working on who ME is. I’ll keep growing and keep learning. I’ll keep doing me the best way I know how to, on any given day. My virtual blanket-fort can be a lonely place at times, but sometimes that’s the point.

And sometimes I invite special folks in for a visit. Special in their love and compassion, usually. (I have little patience for criticism or judgment.)

For those fighting the good fight in big ways and small, for working on yourself, too, no matter how uncomfortable, I salute you.

(Comes out from blanket-fort long enough for fist bumps and coffee mug clinks.)

Peace Out

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Blog June 3, 2020

I have (at least temporarily) deactivated my Facebook account. It is an arena that I am going to decline to participate in any longer, maybe permanently, not sure. I finally asked myself. “If you went into a room every day and someone punched you in the gut each day, would you keep going into that room?” My answer was no, that would not be wise.

Some of my frustration word vomit for the day:

Me: I am horrified at what’s happening in the world, the murder of George Floyd. It’s horrible.”

The world: “Don’t say that.”

Me: “Don’t say what?”

The world: “Don’t say it’s horrible, say this instead.”

Me: “Um… huh?”

The world: “Don’t say this, say that.”

Me: “Stop- telling me what to say!”

The world: “Don’t talk about it.”

Me: “Huh?”

The world: “But whatever you do, don’t be silent.”

Tons of white girls: “We know what you are to say and do. Do this.”

Other people of all backgrounds: “No, don’t do or say that. It’s offensive and wrong.”

Me: *face-palming* “Stop it!!”

And that explains my life lately.

But ultimately, it isn’t about me and I recognize that. As with all things, each person handles it differently. What I can no longer do, though, is be told what to do and what not to do every day by fifty random people, all of which tell me to do something different. No, thanks.

So I will default to just me being me the best way I know how. That’s my wheelhouse.

Don’t tell me who I am based on my skin color, if you didn’t notice, EVERYone hates that. If you truly don’t want to hear what I have to say then don’t read what I have to say. Simple enough, right? Right. Thanks. Moving on.

Meanwhile, Covid 19 is being summarily ignored as if it no longer exists. Our county seems to have levelled off at least, so that is good news. This week I am returning to my doc appointments, trying to get caught up there. The mask/no mask battle rages and frankly I don’t care what you think about it, you do you. I am going to wear a mask. The doctor’s offices I am going to have asked me to wear them and I am going to comply. I am also going to wash my mask regularly because that’s just good sense.

Tense, horrible times we live in. And ultimately people who follow blindly are my biggest source of stress.(It being a given that hatred and murder suck.) I cannot be around those who think DT is the second coming. I just can’t. I will blow a blood vessel. 

So. Not much else to say today, except that I am hoping, vibing, praying for change. I will continue to love and to hold out hope because ultimately what else can you do?

Peace Out

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“A Million Hugs for You”

This is for the different, the misfit, the one that refuses to step into line.

This is for the ones being called names for not fitting in or looking like all the rest.

This is a hug for the woman dismissed as “sweetheart” and believed to be brainless. A slap on the ass and a stare at the chest.

This is for all the times you were judged by your looks alone, for all of the times you were told to smile more, sit up straight, change your clothes, shut your mouth.

This is for the ones told to Stay in Your Lane or get back in the kitchen or the bedroom.

This is for all the times your quiet demeanor was mistaken for weakness.

This one’s for your soft voice being trampled over and dismissed by louder ones, even by someone you love.

This one is for all the times you were pushed down, held down, shut down. For trying to use your voice only to have it be ignored, torn apart deliberately misunderstood.

This one’s for daring to go against the flow, for continually being told you’re wrong, stupid, or uninformed by those in caves and boxes of their own design.

This one is for the publicly shamed or humiliated for simply being you.

This one is for the ones brave enough to

Keep

On

Going.

💙
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June 1st Blog

I’ve made changes to my privacy settings on Facebook but will try to keep it going so I can see and chat with the 12 to 20 people or so that I really have grown to love that I would never see otherwise.

Some are predicting civil war and even world war after the year we’re having (and it’s only June.) War is only always MAD. (Mutually Assured Destruction.) Trying hard to have enough faith in humanity that we can avoid that. I see all of the anger, though, and now more than ever, it feels as if there is nowhere to go with that anger, nothing constructive that can be done with it, but I pray that doesn’t mean we all throw up our hands and decide to be destructive with it. (Though I admit that there are systems and mindsets that need to be deconstructed.)

Ya know, I’m smarter than I look. I have come by (with tons of difficulty and work on myself) a strong sense of self, lots of confidence and self-love, and have set many boundaries for myself. The more I have done that, the more I am shown the truth that – when others don’t have these things, they see me as being arrogant. Don’t care, can’t care, and won’t apologize for it. It comes with taking care of yourself. We’ve been taught NOT to for far too long.

I am sick to death of being taught or schooled by those who have lived half the life I have lived with almost zero of the experiences I have had and that won’t fly. Nobody has any respect for the “elders” anymore and I can kind of understand why, but only if you’re judging all older people as being exactly the same. Young people don’t like that being done to them, and neither do we. We don’t take kindly to the hard-fought wisdom we’ve gleaned being tossed aside blithely by the exuberance of youth. That being said, some of the smartest and kindest people I know ARE young. So, all of that to say, STOP assuming you know anyone if you truly do not and judging them by skin color or age or demographic. Just STOP.

The ONLY thing I will say right now about Mr. Floyd is that I am so incredibly heartsick. I dearly love some people with brown skin and black skin (and other colors) and I cannot fathom the pain. I won’t pretend to and I won’t diminish it with any more quick responses or thoughts. Just… I love you.

I’m gonna say something stupid obvious– if you don’t know me, you don’t know me. Some know the ME I was 30 years ago and I am not that person, so you may think you know me but you don’t. I daresay my own (original) family that I have not been able to be around much over the last 30 years, (back in Oklahoma or scattered around the world) don’t truly know me, but may know my core heart as good, or at least I really hope they give me that benefit of the doubt. So do not dare to judge my heart or my motives to my face. I will shut that shit down.

Now having vented about that, I’ll move on to other word vomit for the day about what is happening in this messed-up world and/or about my life, etc.

I’m doing well (outside of being that level of stressed that never goes away from the Covid mess) and then adding all that the world is going through over this past week and the stress of that (realizing that my stress about that is primarily extreme heartache and doesn’t compare in any way to all that the black community feels.) I am heartsick. 

I’ve always considered myself to be a patriot and someone who loves America but I’ve never felt this sad and heartsick about our country and its direction. If that offends you I’d just ask you to look with broader, more open eyes of what and who we are and what we look like to the rest of the world at large. We used to be a true super-power that earned the respect of others. If you are under any delusion that this is still true (in the eyes of the world) then wake up. We are a laughing stock.

Many Americans simply refuse to acknowledge that there is a world beyond our borders and if they think of anyone outside of America at all, it is down their noses, with hatred and disrespect for all. This is not me. I do not feel this way. I am not a nationalist. I realize that the cracks, the fissures that America needs to heal, are deeper and wider than ever before, and frankly, I currently have little hope of waking people up to it. People absolutely refuse to acknowledge it, stubbornly and blindly. I have no patience at all for that. Having zero connections or friendships outside of the US is a great way to become such a narrow minded individual. Don’t travel, don’t care a hoot about anyone who doesn’t think or act or look exactly like you. Then you’ll end up being a true American. This saddens me more than words can convey.

This statement alone has many people hating on me and dismissing me and throwing me into a box with a huge label (or four) but I can’t care about that anymore. It’s very difficult to find your voice and then silence it. Being silent has caused more problems than it has ever fixed, (outside of loud hate-mongering). Much like the person who stands up on the playground between a bully and an innocent, there is a time and place to use your voice. (Not your guns, axes or fists, but your voice.)

I believe whole-heartedly in the right to peacefully protest and yes I’d fight for the right for someone who vehemently disagrees with me on policy to be able to stand up and exercise that right. All people have this right, not just those who look and feel like you or me.

As a side-My opinion on guns is that it is in our constitution that we have a right to bear arms. We came out of the wild west and in many ways are still there. If you want to get a permit and take classes and be psychologically evaluated to own a gun, be my guest. (And sadly I think we are at or almost at that place where people need to be evaluated before being given a permit.) But it must be recognized that guns are for one purpose in 2020, to kill. They are no longer something we need in order to eat. Many countries outside of the US are just plain better at gun control than we are and this is proven out by the decline of gun violence in their countries after enacting stricter laws. You can’t disarm the general public without disarming the “bad guys” which simply means it has to be country-wide, worldwide controls in place. And of course, murder begins in the heart of man. Someone bent on murder have always and always will find numerous and creative ways to kill. But having a large rock in your hand, or a knife, is just less damaging to large groups of people than having an assault rifle in your hands. It just is. The average joe does not need a sniper rifle or an assault rifle. 

Our RIGHTS have far outweighed our sense and our morals in America for quite some time. (Our forefathers could not have envisioned the world as it is today.) Just because you have a right to do something doesn’t mean you should. SHOULDS have more to do with an individual’s own morals and ethics. In a perfect world, people would understand this. In a perfect world, all people would have ethics and morals (and no, I no longer believe that people must have a religious faith affiliation to have ethics and morals, I find this to be very short-sighted.) Why? Because my world has expanded and I have changed my own faith and belief systems, and because in my lifetime I have met some of the best and most ethical, loving, moral people on the planet who do not claim any religion or god as their source, and also I should say I know people from many various belief systems who are also loving and good and kind. It is possible to be an atheist and be loving and moral and kind. And I know some personally. If you don’t know some, perhaps consider widening your circle. Stretch the boundaries of what you have always believed to be true.

We’ve become a people obsessed with social media and that has led us to being obsessed with making sure that everyone else has to look and act and feel the same… same religion, same skin color, same belief systems, don’t you DARE be different. It’s shining a lot of light on these old outdated ideals. It feeds nationalism and hatred and prejudice. It IS possible to be a lover of America and not be a nationalist, to grieve at who we have become and are becoming. To be respectful of the different (from you or me or anyone).

I cannot deal any longer with people’s short-sighted, narrow-minded knee-jerk and often hate-filled  reactions on social media so I am going to move more towards posting on my blog and posting about my artistic endeavors (when I do post on Facebook particularly) and I hope that anyone who loves a bit more like I do or who are open-minded and loving, will follow my blogs here. I have my YouTube and my Insta and I’ll use those more, too. In a time when we cannot talk face to face, it is more and more obvious that we don’t know how to relate on social media.

One last provocative statement before I sign off for the day: If you have not changed AT ALL in the last 20 years, it might be time to stretch your heart and mind. Don’t be a stagnant unmoving swamp. Learn, Grow. Love.

Love and Peace to all.

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May 28th Update (on virus thoughts and life, etc)

May 28th update on my thoughts on the virus and our response, long term:

Everyone has had their own reactions and responses to this horrific event, and our views change (or should evolve and grow) over time. Mine have. The things I thought and felt at day one or week two or day 45 of isolation, they have changed and evolved as things have progressed. I still witness so many people being rude and thoughtless and downright mean-spirited on the daily and this is heart-breaking. I made the decision early on to be open-minded, find facts (as much as anyone can), not get drawn into lunatic conspiracy theories, and adjust my thinking as more info presented itself. The following is where I am at today, May 28th.

Leaving conspiracy theories aside (which I am absolutely doing) though I acknowledge this is a crazy messed up, money-obsessed world with all kinds of things going on that most people don’t know anything about, I believe the world has always operated this way so I’m not shocked at all by any of it. We just hear more now than we ever did before. (And what we hear is distorted to fit someone’s agenda, I guarantee you that much.) Those things aside, here it is.

I think there have been and are still many of us, particularly those of us who would consider ourselves or close loved ones to be high risk, that have felt like this would all one day pass… in 14 days or 30 days or 90 days, that one day it will magically disappear and we can all leave our homes again absolutely risk-free. I no longer believe this is going to happen. If it does, I will be thrilled, obviously, but from all I have read, I now believe that this virus isn’t going anywhere, not for a very, very long time and may stay around pretty much forever much like the cold viruses we have now.

So. If this is indeed true, (and I am not quoting anyone here because people choose to believe what they will and it does not matter one iota what the source is, I’ve seen this many times), then one must then decide what to do about it. To me, wisdom says, be careful, wear masks, wash your hands a lot, stay away from large crowds of people (etc) while also beginning to get back to some sense of life. For me, the biggest thing is being able to see my kids and grandkids again. For some it is going back to work or finding a new job. So, for me, I am working towards a date in the near future where I will be able to see my loved ones, while we all act responsibly (making sure everyone is well at the time of visits, etc). Because it is either this or resign myself to never seeing them again, and I am here to tell you, that is not an option for me.

So over the coming weeks I will begin to wear a mask and go shopping again. Go to my doctor’s visits again. See my chiropractor. Go back to my allergy clinic for shots, and other such things. I intend to be very careful about where I go and take care of myself as well as I possibly can, but I cannot simply stop living forever or stop seeing my family forever. I can’t NEVER go back to a doctor. Life has got to go on. I have come to understand and accept this.

I am endeavoring to accept anyone and everyone’s points of view (as long as they are being kind and compassionate, because I will never understand the mean-ness.) Each of us must decide what feels right for us and our loved ones.

Because we were already so divided (and there are many people in some extreme camps right now in my opinion) the virus took an already touchy and difficult situation and made it a million times worse. If or when I have to, I will delete my social media accounts altogether, but I am HOPING and trusting humanity enough to try and keep my friends and contacts through social media as long as possible. Nonsense will not be tolerated. I do not mind discussing things with anyone but SHOUTING and talking down to me or others or name calling will not be tolerated on my timelines. If I have to go down to 3 people, then I will.

I don’t know where you are at in your thinking about what lies ahead for you and yours, but whatever it is, I offer you compassion and understanding. I say take as much time as you need. Do what you have to do. Just please be patient with others (as I am trying to as well.)

It’s my opinion that as time goes on, we will all have to “come out from under” at some point and find our “new normal”. It’s that or lay down and die. But you do YOU, do what you need to and when you need to, and each of us are in different areas and different situations. Tread carefully. Be mindful of others please, and if you cannot, then take yourself away from me.

Be well, my friends. Be whole. Be compassionate. Be loving. Be alive.

Peace Out

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Precious Peace

Just chilling out today, went over to the beach for the first time since… a few days before lockdown in March. Ohmigoodness it was heaven. The sound of the waves and the wind was incredibly peaceful and good for my very soul.

Last night I kept “writing” an article or part of a future book in my head as I was trying to sleep and hate when that happens so much. They say, “get up and write it down before you lose it” which is great advice but I was just too tired. Now I’m trying to remember it all. Ah, such is a writer’s life I suppose.

I’m about 80% sure I’ll be writing a non-fiction book about life, my life, and boundaries in the near future. I have a lot to say. (I don’t know if anyone will care, but as we writers say, if it’s in you get it out!) It’s the only way to quiet my brain, get it all out and down.

This last week or so has been so peaceful. Best thing I ever did was back off the Facebook some, and even more than that, blocking and unfollowing people that stress me out constantly. I’ve been able to focus in on self-care and surround myself with people that think even a little bit more like me. It feels like a huge sigh. Trying to let my shoulders come back down where they belong instead of up around my ears all the time. Peace. Precious peace. I love it, crave it, can’t live without it.

Interesting to me how different people find their peace, and from what I’ve observed, many never do. Once you taste it though, you will have to make it a priority in your life. Unfortunately, it often requires- (you guessed it), firm boundaries around yourself and your life. Until I began to have boundaries for myself, I never understood fully how many people don’t have them, and have convinced themselves, (or someone else has convinced them) that it’s somehow wrong or sinful or mean to set rules around your life, to put the fence up. You’ll fence your yard but won’t protect your own heart and life. Stinky thinking.

Self-care is a bad word (or phrase) among many communities and people groups. “Thinking about yourself first is selfish.”

Wrong.

It’s absolutely necessary. If you are not whole and good and well, you are of no use to anyone else anyway. Or worse, you’re doing damage to them, or they’re doing damage to you, (and you’re letting them, because you’re NICE.) One thing I have learned is that the people who truly love and value you in your life will absolutely mind your boundaries and stay in your life and often respect you more for it. (Or, the ones who decide to go, you must let them go.) And some will. And some you will ask to leave, and that’s OKAY.

People will treat you exactly how you allow them to.

Just had to bold that one. Crucial.

The falsehood that we have to put up with being treated badly is one that has been perpetuated since the beginning of time. So many are treated as if they are worthless or simply worth less than others. And they’ve been treated that way for so long, they believe it and accept that it’s true. If you don’t value you, how can you expect anyone else to?? If you don’t know and understand your worth, you’ll never convince anyone else of it.

A boundary is simply saying, “No. You may come this far and no further. You may not come into my inner circle and criticize me or put me down or hurt me.” I was certainly one that never learned this as a child, and many weren’t and still aren’t being taught that it is okay and even necessary to say No sometimes. Children are taught to always listen to and obey adults. In my parent’s generation, it was taught in order to teach children respect. Respect is a very good thing. But in today’s world, we absolutely cannot allow our children out into the world without the skills to do everything they can to protect themselves. We have to do better at teaching and training them to recognize bad or wrong behavior, something or someone that feels “off” often is.

Many, if not most of us, could tell stories of times adults (other than our parents, or in some cases, it is the parents), such as a teacher or scout leader or someone in authority over us- treated us in an unacceptable way. We were also taught that you obey your teachers, elders always, upon fear of death. (Not literally, but you get the idea.) These falsehoods we are taught as children are the beginning of teaching us that we have no power or control over ourselves, our bodies, what happens to us. We’re not to stand up for ourselves or others. Always be kind, behave, be polite, be respectful. Well, yeah, most of the time, but certainly not always. There are times for a loud “No!” It’s necessary for proper health and safety.

In the last several years, I am learning to more automatically bring those walls up, (yes, some walls are good). For someone as sensitive and empathic and empathetic as I am, they have quite literally saved me.

Who gets in and who doesn’t? Well, that’s the question, isn’t it? And the answer will be different for each individual person. For me, anyone who is disrespecting me or putting me down, automatically gets the eject button and the walls are up. Anyone who would try to mock or shame me is out. Making fun-nope. Talking down to-Nope. Mansplaining, NO! Misogyny? No, no, Hell no. Go away, far, far away. I know who I am, I know what I deserve. I know what I will and will not allow into my life. Period.

That, my friends, is having boundaries. Let’s talk more about it.

Elbow rubs and blown kisses to you today, my loves. Peace Out!

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Short & Sweet

Daily (almost) blog

I didn’t blog at all yesterday but gonna let myself off the hook since it was Mother’s Day. I had a pretty great day (though it was a bit rainy here). We played games on the PS4, talked to family, etc. At bedtime I had one of those times when I got super-tickled about something weird I did or said and laughed myself silly, like could not stop laughing, had Bill laughing, it was hysterical. So that was fun. So glad he gets me when I crack myself up. Glad it cracks him up, too.

Life is so much less stressful when I don’t think about the virus mess so much. We do what we can do, and then I’ve been letting go of the rest. I tend to carry the burdens of the world sometimes, and I shouldn’t. Well, I can’t. Not for long. So, taking care of me and mine, doing our part to care and pray for others, donate, etc., then we just go on with doing our lives.

When I don’t bump up against the judgment of someone else, someone who knows nothing about me, or someone with limited perspective, I do really well. Lesson learned.

Whatever you’re dealing with today, I hope you make it through with a little peace, a little joy, a little patience, and lots of love.

Peace Out

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Almost Normal

A good Saturday.

There’s a line in the movie Beverly Hills Ninja where Chris Rock’s character says something like, “Man, every time I leave my house, everywhere I go, there’s someone waiting there to kick my ass.” I haven’t watched that movie in years but apparently that line stuck with me. Cuz I do feel like that sometimes. Metaphorically speaking.

Definitely social media feels like that. Many of us have become careful about what we say, because no matter what it is, there’s someone out there that not only disagrees with you, but wants to kick your ass about it. It’s so tiring. And it happens now more than ever before as we have become so divided. That’s one reason why I’ve started blogging here more rather than saying all my “word vomit” right there on Facebook. I figure the amount of people who will actually care what I have to say enough to click through is small and even the ones who do, rarely want to leave a comment. Hey, cool with me, cuz –if ya can’t say something nice, don’t say nothing at all–works for me.

Me and hubs spent a lot of time outside earlier and even went for a ride in the car, windows down and music blaring. It felt almost, dare I say it, normal. We went over and looked at the ocean but didn’t get out of the car, just drove around a bit. Things are really starting to open up over at the beach area, more and more people are going to the beaches even though they still have the boardwalk and the parking areas blocked off, which makes no sense to me, but there ya go. Seems to me that if ya can plop your chair down and sit on the beach, that’s no worse by parking your car nearby or being able to walk the boardwalk, but I guess they don’t agree.

We’re thinking and hoping to go to the beach in a couple weeks time (we saw some areas that were completely deserted where we could go and still be away from everyone.) It will be nice to do that again. We still plan to avoid restaurants (except take-out) for a bit longer and are staying away from everyone for a while yet. To each their own, I suppose, but we will make our own decisions on where to go and when. (We should live in the ‘show me” state cuz we are big on waiting and watching.) We seem to be down to one new case a day in our county, so I hope the low numbers continue to go down.

Meanwhile, as I said, today has felt nearly normal and we have been needing some of that. The emotional wear and tear on people can be so devastating, but I know people have different thoughts on when and where they go. We’re just taking it slow and easy. It helps me so much mentally just to get outside and get some sun. Hubby will be good once he can start on an outdoor project he has been wanting to get started on, which should happen soon. I think I worry about him more than me (as far as how we’re coping.) I guess because I am so much more used to being at home a lot and not seeing other people for days or weeks at a time. My social butterfly is struggling. Not sleeping well, etc. He’s good, I mean I really think he is, but it’s just so new and different for him. And in the midst of it all, we both realize how incredibly fortunate we are compared to some who have lost jobs, loved ones, etc.

Gratitude helps.

I guess Almost Normal will have to suffice for this weekend, and oh yeah, Happy Mother’s Day  to any Moms out there. I hope you are being loved on. 

Love and safe hugs to all my buds out there! Hang in there.

Peace Out

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Melancholy Day

Daily blog. Nearing the middle of May and our lockdown that was initially going to be for 14 days is now around, what, forty-something? And no answers in sight, only a lot of supposition, misinformation, and scrambling… by and large anyway.

Watching so much TV. But everything I do is from home and has been for some time and I’ve put the TV on for company for years, but still… even more. Distraction. But it’s shows, not news.

It’s true what I’ve read about how we tend to go along relatively well for a few days and then have a bad day or two. Up days and down days. A real-life roller coaster.

I do my best when I just focus on the day-to-day, Laundry. Dishes. Grocery lists. Making lists of things that need doing or that I want to do. Being creative helps so much. Exercise helps. Sunshine helps. And what keeps me the most calm is refusing to listen to the muck and junk going on out there. I listen to the news only once or twice a week from our local channel, occasionally watching when our Mayor is on TV. There’s an absolute Ocean of Crazy out there and I don’t intend to drown in it.

Stress is real and it is a killer.

So grateful for my husband (that I’m not entirely alone, as some are). I’m beginning to understand why people do the things they do a bit better, the utter madness, the things we grasp at… the ways we cope. And I can be a judgy asshole, I freely admit it. This is teaching me how NOT to be one, not quite so much. Being stretched in that direction, anyway.

I may never truly understand the perspective of some others but must then also accept that they may never get mine, either. Trying to have love and compassion as my fall-back position. It’s not always easy. Maybe especially for someone like me.

Also grateful that I have a nice home and some outdoor space where I can still be a good distance from others. Grateful that as many, many others have to continue to go out into the world to work, I am able to stay home. I know many have lost their incomes entirely. It could happen to any of us at any time.

Talking to a good friend and neighbor yesterday was good for me (and her, I think). To hear another human’s voice besides mine and my husband’s. And I get to speak with or Skype with family occasionally. 

I’ve come to realize that I’ve been working so hard on myself, to get myself together, figure out exactly who I am and what I can and do believe, that I’ve utterly isolated myself from most other people and I was doing this long before lockdown. Perhaps for years. It’s a trap we introverts can easily fall into.

I’m going to endeavor, especially once we can get out and around again safely, to socialize more, be more open to friendship and to allow people to be who they are. I think I’m ready. I’m ready to be around those very different from myself and still be able to love and embrace them. At least I think I am. I think I will be by the time we are “released” from this nightmare. Realizing that I will still be “too much” or “too different” for some. (Always have been, always will be. I’ve accepted it.) But for me… I WILL be open to more. (And it will be an act of pure WILL.)

Facing yet another day in isolation and here in solidarity with the rest of you also doing so…

Peace Out

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Embrace the Beast (& Tame It)

One thing that has become abundantly clear to me as I’ve been working hard on myself, is that I am (as I’ve mentioned before) incredibly stubborn. In a discussion with my mother I realized (another epiphany) that I am the daughter of two fiercely stubborn people. The thing about stubbornness is, I’m probably never gonna outrun that DNA but I can realize it’s there and a big part of me, and then make a plan to deal with it. To tame that beast.

Stubbornness can make me didactic, dogmatic, and hard at times. It can make me run right over other people’s thoughts and feelings in order to get my own point across.

It can also help me finish writing a book or complete any task I start. It helps me in being what I call an “over-communicator.” I used to tell my children that I would literally sit on them until they opened up and talked to me about what was on their minds (this was during those difficult pre-teen and teen years when they were going through stuff but had no idea how to handle it or communicate it to me.) And that really says it all about me and communication. I will (and have) hounded people in my life until they opened up to me out of a desperate need to just get me to go away. (Nobody say anything about me being abusive, get over it, I wasn’t. I can hold someone with gentle hands and force them to talk to me.)

I’m an incredibly intense person. Maybe this is why I was created with a cat-like physical disposition rather than a puppy’s active physicality… I’d be way too much to handle with that thrown in and would literally never sleep! (Yes I just used literally wrongly, don’t care.)

So, mentally a bulldog/puppy, physically a cat. Weird.

My poor husband. He, (like a lot of men), wasn’t the best communicator in our early years, but I have figured out a way to needle the stuff out of him when necessary. He still struggles with having thoughts and feelings. (From my perspective, he seems not to have any sometimes.) Because I have soooo many that are always out there and all over the place.

I had to work at digging my own emotions out and dealing with them, and now they are all out there and everywhere and at any given moment, I’m playing ping-pong with them, trying to sort them out. I had to do that for my health.

Dealing with hubby is another ballgame. I’ve referenced the old book “Men Are Like Waffles and Women Are LIke Spaghetti” before and there’s another one about Mars and Venus. The point is well made. It’s generalizing, but there is some truth to it.

He has learned in recent years that if or when I sense that he’s got something on his mind, I will employ that same stubborn doggedness to him and to drawing him out. (Yeah, don’t I sound like a joy to live with?) Over-communicator that’s me.

So, all of this to say, stubbornness, when tamed, can actually be channeled into tenacity and a refusal to give up. And THAT trait has served and is serving me well. (Yeah, here’s me trying to put a positive spin on things again! Some days I just can’t help it.) And, of course, some days I  can’t get out from under the covers.

And that’s life in the big city and during a pandemic. And, I guess, life in general. Good days and bad.

Learning from the roller coaster of life–

Peace Out