Ya know, it can really suck when we realize that nobody else is going to fix our wounds. This is why we carry our pain for so long, we keep on believing that it will magically heal itself or that someone who hurt us would come along and somehow fix it. I also mistakenly believed that being in church would enable me to heal and become whole. The truth can be a big Ouch. We hold that key, only us–ourselves. Nobody is coming to save us.
As hard as that is to hear–once you have grasped that, you have a huge decision to make. Stay in pain forever (give up) or get about the business of fixing it for yourself. I hear over and over “you will not change until the pain of remaining the same becomes greater than the fear or pain of doing what you need to do-to change.” It is such truth.
Where to start? Old pain. Origin wounds. We have to (usually through therapy) get to a place where we can face what happened (trauma) without it killing us. Become more of an “observer” so that we can stay there and look at it. For me, writing it all out was immensely helpful. Some people paint or sing or make or create things of all kinds because we unlock the subconscious mind in those moments of creating, and allow things to begin to happen.
When you can sit with it (even while sad) you will eventually be able to dissect it. Were you in any way at fault? (Likely no or you made a poor decision but what happened way outweighed that) or you have to face that it was NOT your fault. For me, forgiving myself for being with someone who I didn’t even truly have feelings for, hanging out with him (out of sheer boredom) and going places I never should’ve gone–was key. Facing the truth that it was NOT on me though, despite a poor decision, meant I could give myself permission to stop hating myself or blaming myself. I was incredibly naive’ and so many young people are. But I did nothing intentionally to cause what happened. I had to give myself a break–forgiveness.
The idea of forgiving who hurt you is a BIG subject. I personally would never tell anyone they MUST forgive their attacker or abuser or rapist. You forgive YOU for any part you played, small as it may have been (because we do carry guilt, deserved or not). Whether or not you can eventually forgive who hurt you is intensely personal and individual. If you can see them for the broken and messed up soul that they are and somehow forgive them–great. If not, go in peace.
I’ve written this on one page but to get to this point can take years and lots of counsel and therapy. I can share tips on ways to heal yourself, if you ever need them, just ask. But you will likely have to speak about it with someone or write about it or in some way get it OUT of you. You can picture it coming out of you and placing it in a box, any mental imagery that helps. (The box gets burned and the pain released.) This sounds easy, again, and it is not.
How do you speak or write about it? By recognizing your worth and by seeing that there is NO shame in talking about it, as we have been taught by the world.
The person in my life is no longer around (I do not remember his last name and I believe he may be dead at this time, and the others involved, no clue–I could never track them down because I don’t know names and faces.) If the person who hurt you is still around or heaven forbid–in your family–this opens up a whole new set of problems. My heart hurts just thinking about that. But however you choose to move forward there–please heal yourself. Don’t carry that “tumor” as I called it–in your body any longer than you must.
Life is tough sometimes. I have been able to release that pain that altered my life and everything about my life–after carrying it for 40 plus years. I want that for you. (I hope you don’t carry it so long or haven’t carried it as long.)
My book is “The Only Way Out is Through” in which I tell my story. If you want to discuss recovering from rape or attack, I am here. I can talk more about how I got free and can now walk in freedom and in power and in confidence. I got my life back (finally) and so can you. I am here for you. Be brave. Be at peace.