It appears to me that all of life is about learning and growing; deeply learning and internalizing some very deep truths.
This month (or however long it takes to take root) seems to be about fully letting go of expectations I seem to continually put on others. I have to say if not for my hubs I don ‘t know how I’d make it in this life, because it has been about one unmet expectation after the other. I have got to stop setting myself up for hurt. Doing a lot of journaling about this right now. Also thought I’d post about it so I can look back to it later on down the road.
I expected, at one time, that all people would treat me with dignity and respect. Shattered.
I expected that once I learned to love myself all of my pain would stop. Shattered.
I expected to be allll better by now. Shattered.
I am much better than I was; I kinda see me working my way around a sculpture (that is me) spackling and shoring up the broken messed up parts, but then I turn it slightly and there is another thing to fix, and another, and another. When does it end? Does it?
I’ve been in a really great place for a long time. I got there by a lot of hard (exhausting) work. Part of being there was in learning how to live in the moment. I am trying hard to stay there. Just when I think I have put every past thing back into the past, something new happens, a new painful (fresh) memory that I have to pull apart and analyze.
I think there is a powerful key in something I learned in one of my classes, and that is in learning to see our painful emotions when they happen (Oh! There you are–pain that I set myself up for–I see you. I see the little arrow sticking out of my heart.) Then we’re supposed to acknowledge it. Then set it aside and move past it. This is the part I am still struggling with.
I told myself that it is kind of like my love for baked goods (that I rarely actually let myself have). I see you scone, calling my name. The chocolate croissant, the fresh-baked bread. I acknowledge you are there in the bakery case. I hear you speaking to me. But I am choosing to nod at you and move on past.
I’m not sure which is harder, passing the tough emotions by or the baked goods, but either way, it sucks. Hard. But this is where I am at and what I am dealing with today, See it, nod at it, pass it by. Sounds simple, right?
My physical health and issues do not allow for me to eat baked goods. (I can get by with a few times a year.) My emotional growth goals do not allow for me to wallow in sadness at a perceived slight or arrow thrown at me. AND I must remind myself that often, it is my own expectations that people will behave in a certain way, or a way I wish they’d behave, (and I know better). At least I should.
There’s an Alanis Morrisette song that talks about “the ever-elusive kudo” (her song Thank You) and another line about one word someone says (or doesn’t say) leaves her devastated… the little shots and arrows that are sometimes real and sometimes all in our head. (She sings my life, seriously. Love her.)
Anyway, I’ll be going along fine then suddenly I’m hurt over the smallest thing. (I believe they call that being “butt-hurt” these days. Only it’s my heart, not my ass that is hurting.) THIS. This I must conquer. I feel like if I can fully conquer that every single time, I will be the king of the world.
