Month: June 2020

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My Facebook Post June 19 (for those not on Facebook)

I haven’t said anything in so long on Facebook because every time I do, I get beat up. But at times, for whatever reason, what is given me to say is so strong that I know that if I don’t say it I will explode, brains everywhere.

My heart, my spirit, my soul aches so badly today, right now. It only takes about five minutes on Facebook and reading posts for me to completely fall apart these days. I can’t take it. I can’t take how hard-hearted and closed-minded people are.If people want to tear down a statue of a bad person, a slave-owner from the past, why do you care? They aren’t trying to erase history, they’re trying to keep history from repeating itself.

Why would YOU want to stand for making a hero out of a villainous person? That’s the real question.

Thirty years ago, most of us didn’t have any clue who most of these people were who have these statues. I’ve talked to people this year who have NO IDEA what the confederate flag actually stands for or why it’s hurtful. Please take some time to look on the internet or go to the library if you prefer and read up before you stand up for something. Bottom line for me, if a statue hurts a victim of the holocaust or a person of color or some other nationality, tear the bitch down. People before concrete.

What it is is, people are terrified of change. And they are terrified to admit that maybe they’ve been wrong about something. I have so much respect for people who can say, hey, wow, maybe I’ve been wrong on this subject. Maybe I’ve been blind or ignorant of some facts or information or maybe I just really have not tried to understand someone else’s pain. Lack of empathy and compassion is literally killing us, people. Quite literally.

I’ve changed so much in the last twenty years and I am still changing yearly weekly, sometimes daily. I feel very differently today than I did thirty years ago, but why? Because I opened my mind to learning new facts and information. I got to know people who are different than me, people from other countries, other backgrounds, cultures, and experiences.I decided my growth was more important than my pride or ego.I admit I was wrong about a lot twenty years ago, ten years ago, last week. I am continually learning. Which makes it so hard to sit and watch people spout out ugliness, hate and ignorance at each other, simply because they fear change, they fear admitting that they’ve maybe been wrong.I’ll ask one thing of anyone and everyone who reads this, don’t make a fast angry reply but rather sit with yourself and think. Pray if that is something you do. Meditate. Look deep within, and ask yourself the hard questions. Have you put some THING above people? Have you had a hardened heart? Have you been cocooned in your little world for so long that you have absolutely zero compassion for other people? People who may have had experiences totally different than yours?Have you lacked empathy? Compassion? Love?? Have you had tunnel vision? Have you believed only what your political party has asked you to believe for the last FOREVER??

If you cannot think with introspection and love and compassion at a time like this, when the hell could you?? Likely never.

If you will always be closed-minded, insist on ignorance and hate, please remove yourself from my Facebook feed, I beg of you.

People first. PEOPLE. Love. Understanding. If that’s not where you’re at, I do not need to be anywhere near you for a time, because I cannot take it. Take yourself off and join the White Supremacists and the other whack-jobs mucking up the world right now.Those of us who love and care, we don’t need you. We’re too busy loving, learning, growing, and getting over our damned selves.

Peace Out

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Love Hurts. (Yeah, yeah.)

I wrote a poem about this that is published in the book Heart of Courage but I wanted to talk a bit about this subject, as it is definitely something that defines who I am and it’s something I deal with every day. The idea that, if or when you decide to love someone fully, go “all-in,” you do it knowing full well that, (unless by some twist of fate, you die before everyone else you love), that you will one day experience excruciating, mind-altering, life-changing, gut-wrenching pain. I’ve run from this my whole life in one way or another.

I think I’ve been trying to prepare myself for my parents deaths my entire life, (or from the time I learned of death). Not to go all Sylvia Plath, but for a sensitive like me, learning about and trying to grasp death, and not just your own, but dealing with the deaths of loved ones, well, it’s a daunting prospect. Maybe, even, it is part of why I moved far away from my hometown and put down roots elsewhere. (Deep self-analysis going on here.)

I’ve never had a 30-plus year relationship with anyone before, so there was a time when, after five or seven years with my hubs, I began to get antsy and restless. Noting that I thought I was “all-in” when I married him, there still came a time when that restlessness kicked in. I’ll never forget that time of my life. I really began to struggle, because I knew in my heart that I loved my husband, but trying to shove down my natural inclination to bolt after the new wore off (which I had done my whole life) was difficult. It was one of the very few, and the most powerful and life-changing time, I felt God or the Universe or something deep and profound, speak directly to me. It basically said, “If you leave him, you will cause your sons more unbearable pain, (they had already been through my divorce from their father), your daughter will suffer greatly and will be changed forever. You’ll destroy your husband, a good man who loves you profoundly. Your own life will be a series of failed relationship after failed relationship, leaving an earthquake of damage behind you, everywhere you go.” Something like that. (I was literally shown a mental picture of the flux-capacitor from Back to the Future. If you don’t know what that is, just picture a huge fork in the road.)

I had a good cry, and still knowing I was messed up inside, I made the conscious choice to stay and truly commit and make it work.

All of that to get to the point, that I am so afraid of being left/hurt/broken by others, that I tend to bolt. This has affected every single relationship in my life. Family, friends, boyfriends, husbands… you name it.

Back when I made that decision to stay, it seemed to come with a promise. A promise that my life would go much better and easier, if I just made the right choice then and there. I do believe that has been the case. My life has not been perfect since then, and like anyone’s marriage, ours has had its ups and downs, but I can honestly say that we are better today than we have ever been.

I’m an “over-communicator’ and if you know me much, you know this. I have made sure that he and I have open lines of communication, even though I often have to take hours or days to really dig out of him what is on his mind. (He, like a lot of men, is not an over-communicator.) But we are so close. On our 20th (I think it was) we were asked at a restaurant if we were newlyweds. The waitress had noticed how we smiled and laughed together and held hands across the table. (We still do this. It’s sickening, really.)

My point is, every month, every year, I go more and more “all in” with my hubs. Because I am learning more and more every day how to be whole and healed, which helps me learn how to commit and love just a little more, a bit deeper.

This scares the ever-loving shit out of me.

Unless I go first, I will experience the worst pain ever, if he leaves me or passes away. It will ruin me, I know this. I know it because I have never known love like this before, but I’ve been hurt badly by people I cared about, and I know this kind of pain will blow all of that away.

This is scarier than anything else in my life. I don’t want to know that pain, but it is absolutely part of going all-in. Love is amazing, but sometimes Love Hurts. Intentionally or not. Putting your heart fully out there is opening yourself up to immense pain. I still haven’t perfected it. But I am committed to trying. The only other relationship I know that compares is my love for my kids and grands. A couple super-close friends.

But I have spent years perfecting the “dine – and – dash” of relationships. Most recently (since I’ve been married) I’ve been doing it with friendships. I’ve been a very sucky bad friend. I’ve at times avoided people I care about. I’ve even seemed to be pushing them away. This year I realized this a bit more, because, well, I am continually working on me.

If you are a friend that felt any connection with me and have been hurt by me pushing you away, I want to apologize. I’ve been a scaredy-cat. I’m afraid of being hurt, so I hurt others first, even though it took me some time to realize it. I don’t want to be that person.

And, of course, that said, there are a very few people I have pushed away absolutely on purpose (boundaries) and this is usually men who are misogynists or anyone that I feel I just do not connect with and we are just too different. I don’t have time or energy left to try to explain to someone wanting to be my friend, why I am the way I am on a daily basis, so, often times, I just cut off that relationship, be at peace. Go find someone more like you, if that is what you need. (That’s a very small few.)

Yeah, Love Hurts, and sometimes stinks, like the song says. I love people. I don’t always like them. They don’t always like me. I am so cool with that. Not gonna change me so that you can like me, but I am going to try harder to be kinder and gentler and friendlier to those I do genuinely connect with. I’m fighting my own demons over here, so please be patient. I’m learning.

The book Heart of Courage is available on Amazon-you can search my name to find it. It was written by myself and three other amazing poets from around the country: Nicholas Trandahl, Fiona Summerville, and Kelsi Rose. Pick it up if you have a mind to.

Peace Out

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A Little Prayer

If you’re up there listening, whomever, whatever you are

I’m earnest in my search for truth

I don’t believe in the religious boxes of man

I believe in doing all I can

To be truthful

To be good to myself and others

and prayer as a construct left me for a while

but the lines of communication are always open

every thought moving between me and thee

whomever, whatever you are.

Look out for the smallest, the weakest, the different.

Look out for the victims of the bullies, no matter what clothing they wear or insignia is attached to their breasts.

Protect the unprotected

love the unloved

stand for the fallen

speak up for the hearts true, tilt things in their favor.

From one who doesn’t pray much or often but speaks out constantly

hear this little prayer

for all of us

to you.

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Daily Blog Mon June 8 Coming Into the Light

Think I’ll make this another edition of “Things I’ve Learned” as well.

*There are no 2 people that are ever going to agree on everything and despite what social media tries to teach us, it’s okay.

*I seem to be drawn to good people, genuine people with awesome hearts (even when we don’t agree on every single thing on Earth.) I click with people or not. I value vulnerability, a recognition that none of us get out of this life with no scars. None of us are perfect and who gets to define “perfect” anyway? (Probably no-one.)

*Though I’ve been victimized in the past, that doesn’t make me a victim. I’m a survivor. Over the last twelve or fifteen years, I’ve been working on myself a ton, (some therapy, lots of just plain old hard work getting it together and processing old stuff and figuring out who I am now.) I feel like I was stuck in a certain area of growth for many, many years and it required me to push through some things, un-bury, feel, and push through.

To the outsider I know this has looked a bit odd, and some who genuinely care about me haven’t known what was up. I finally feel like I’m coming out of a tunnel, stepping into the light. And if I can feel good about that or anything at this moment in time with all that the world is going through, it must be real.

*Remember back in the pre-internet days when we could meet someone and like them and NOT argue about everything all the time? Let’s ponder. That was friendship.

*For many, maybe most years of my life, I bent over backwards to fit in, burying my own thoughts, feelings, and opinions. Tried to always be NICE. Easy to get along with, never make trouble. I’ve let others think and speak for me for waaayyy tooo long. I don’t do that anymore. (Still pretty nice unless ya push me.) I have boundaries, oh and thoughts and opinions. They may not line up with yours.

Because I felt censored most of my life, told what to believe and what to say, I don’t take kindly to it nowadays. That means you’re probably always gonna know what I think. I described it to a friend once as “feeling like someone has always been trying to put a hand over my mouth… forever.” I’m the only one who gets to censor me now.

*One truth for me is that I believe with all of my heart that women should be treated equally with men in rights and respect. Same pay, listened to the same as men, have the same opportunities as men. Women have been treated as objects for far too long and they’ve often had better hearts, more compassion, and at times have more intelligence and qualifications than their male peers or bosses. Not always, sometimes. It needs to stop. Good men need to start standing up for good women. Standing up against their peers who would make perverted jokes about women, mistreat them, or abuse them.

Until good men stand with us, things will never change. Stop worrying about being a “bro” and start being a decent human being. As a popular comedian Hannah Gadsby once said, “Men, Pull your socks up!”

(I know some of these good men and I’m ever-so thankful for them and we need so many more.) Of course the same is true for any or every minority. Good people have got to start standing up for every minority, stand in front of them when necessary. Only then will things change. Now is not the time to stay silent in the face of hatred, bigotry, prejudice, or misogyny.

There was a sign in my kid’s bedroom while they were growing up, it said, “Stand up for what is right, even if you stand alone.” I still believe this. (And I’m proud of my kids, and I believe they have lived this out.) Character. Integrity. It matters.

Come on out into the light. It’s warm here. The sun is shining.

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Today’s quick thoughts

I’m not sure what it is or how it will manifest but something good happened today, something in my heart and soul. There was an almost audible “click,” the kind of thing that happens when the gray cells are getting stimulated, when some new bit of wisdom is busy making a home inside me somewhere… a kind of knowing. Wisdom. I think that was its name.

I can’t wait to see how it changes me.

Something is new and different. Something from above, a gift from the universe or the heavens. A new measure of strength? It’s amazing what can happen when you open your heart, mind, and soul to growth and change.

I know so many people, and I used to be one, that think there is this finite group of knowledge and they found it by age 40 and then they shut down and refuse to change, to see anything new. I don’t want to be that.

I won’t be, not ever, ever again.

The only person I will ever, ever change–is me.

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We the People

Talking with hubs this evening about the constitution and how we are supposed to be a country for the people, ran by the people. Our voices were meant to be heard from the very beginning.

Setting aside for the moment that we came to this country and conquered and claimed it, when they got around to writing the constitution it was meant to be a document that ensured that the people’s voices would be heard, that we wouldn’t have to be oppressed or shut down or dominated without representation or even taxed without representation.

Oh how very far we have come.

I grew up in a small town and way before the internet and cell phones, so in retrospect, I think it seems like a somewhat isolated environment. Perhaps everyone from generations past feels this way. Their (our) whole world was our home, out parents, our little town, we didn’t know anything else. We knew what we were told. End of story.

Now here we are living in the Information Age. We get bombarded with information and data all damn day long, and to make it worse, we have a whole section of people who’s sole purpose is to put out fake news for us to wade through. It’s a lot of change in a very small amount of time. A lot to cope with.

Once upon a time we could be easily distracted and controlled. “Keep ’em busy working and trying to put food on the table, there will be no time or energy left to think about revolution.”

Monday through Friday we work, exhausted on the weekends, just wanting a bit of peace and quiet. Or some fun time or down time. Maybe church on Sunday. And Monday morning it starts all over again.

And this is life.

We are heading into a great time of change. We are in an age when we have more time to think, more time to find things to do that we enjoy. The world opened up for everyone with the internet, personal computers and cell phones. It was no longer just my little house on my little street in my little town. We could find out about the entire world with the click of a button. And then the shit really hit the fan. (Other people? Other opinions? Different people?? Ack!!)

America has been a busy and industrious country, staying so busy chasing the dollar that we didn’t notice that we forgot our voices and our hearts, that we are a country meant to be governed by us, you and me, every day average Joe’s and Janes. We have the power to change our country. Somewhere along the way, we’ve forgotten.

During this time when people care more about stopping the oppression of people than they even do their very lives (because of Covid-19 and gas-happy police), we are once again being forced to scream at the top of our lungs, to protest, to make our voices be heard. They’re pushing people back into a revolutionary mindset. Pushing people so hard and so far that they have no choice but to break or be broken, to fight or to die. To scream out the injustice at all costs. You can only hold someone down for so long, stand on their necks for so long, and then something is gonna pop. And what has really changed is nothing more than being able to now capture it on camera in real time. Post it quickly before it’s “lost.” No longer can we stick our heads in the sand and explain it away or justify it.

Either you stand for justice or you don’t. You stand for love and peace, or you don’t. You love your brothers and sisters in the black community and of every race, color, and nationality, or you don’t. No more ifs, ands, or buts.

The other day I blocked a gal on one of my social media pages for talking about how she was a Christian and she was sick to death of all of this black stuff. (Seriously,)

You stand for Jesus? WWJ-freaking D? I ask you. If you think Jesus is on board with racism then you don’t get it, I dare say. You don’t follow any Jesus I ever met, that’s for sure. There are many reasons I don’t align myself with the Christian church any longer, and these sorts of attitudes play a big part. (And because I despise labels and prejudice, I will say that likely not every single Christian feels this way.) But the church OUGHT to stand for justice, for freedom, for love, and I’ll say even standing up with a brother or sister, even one from a different race or religious background. Protecting them with your very life.

I could quote you scripture but I don’t play that game. (I quote this one, you quote another to back up whatever agenda you have.) If you stand for a god that stands for racism then I don’t follow your god. No loving person would. Period. I certainly refuse to follow a hateful one.

In our country, there are a couple ways we could amend the constitution and my brilliant hubby brought this up this evening. Ways that are not being tried or implemented. Political scientists are no doubt discussing these things, people who know and understand it all way better than I do.

We have power, our voices matter. At least they are supposed to. We’ve gotten incredibly lazy. We’ve grown used to violence and bi-partisan division, racism, strife, and all manner of craziness.

We are given a chance to vote a new person into the White House every four years. Personally I am appalled that we only get two people (really) to choose from, because only those with money will ever make it onto a ticket. Choose Republican or Democrat. We have a zillion choices of clothing to wear or ways to mix a latte’ but let’s just offer people 2 money-backed choices for the leader of the free world. I’ve always hated feeling like I sometimes have to vote for the lesser of two evils. But this is our fucked up system.

Sometimes it feels like there is no-one to vote for that isn’t crooked. And sometimes we just have to look closely at both major front-runners and make a choice based on our morals and ethics. Nobody is perfect, that’s the truth, but for me, someone who has been heard repeatedly saying things that are misogynistic, racist, bigoted, and above all, just plain idiotic, will never get my vote. Way back when, I knew nothing about him, (DT) but I began to learn as soon as he opened his mouth.

I know that DT knows how to make money. Maybe once upon a time people thought that was enough to make a good president. I really hope you don’t find that to be the only requirement for you. I will never understand the hero-worship of the dude, not as long as I live. Republicans seem to be willing to forgive absolutely anything these days. Geez, even the dudes on Fox News are beginning to back away from him, That should tell you something. But I don’t care if you’re a Republican or a Democrat, I want to know where your heart’s at. If you blindly follow your party, explain to me why? Justify it for me, because I don’t think you can.

Stop being a Republican or a Democrat and start being a human being with a heart and a mind of your own. If this happened all over, it would topple the bi-partisan system. I don’t believe there are enough people who think for themselves to do this yet, but one can hope. And for me, I also hope we will begin to get some strong female leadership in DC. But misogyny is as rampant as ever and the rich white dudes would likely never stand for it.

It’s time we found our voices again. Instead of standing for the guy with the most money maybe we could start thinking about what’s important again. Things like, standing for the oppressed. Dealing with racism and hatred based only on a person’s religion or skin color. Maybe it’s time to revamp our educational system so that people learn about compassion and empathy at least as much as they learn how to get themselves into the right neighborhoods and schools. Reading, writing, arithmetic, compassion and empathy 101. Yes, please. Teach kids to be kind and loving and how to change a tire, balance a checkbook, wash dishes, and kick ass when needed. (Not promoting violence, but self-defense needs to be taught.) Maybe a little Krav Maga or something after meditation class.

If you want to read more about the constitution, see the link below. Find your voice, good, loving, compassionate people of the world. Let’s run this sucker like it was meant to be run. Instead of MAGA let’s actually make America about its people again.

Peace Out

https://www.usconstitution.net/constam.html

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Blog June 5, 2020 from the Virtual Blanket-Fort

I say “Ow!” when I’m poked. I sometimes lash out when I feel uncomfortable or attacked. I admit it. It’d be hard NOT to be uncomfortable this year, this month, with all that is going on. And growth is painful as a bitch.

This difficult time is definitely making me take stock, re-affirm the things I know to be true and stretch myself way beyond what is comfortable.

When hurt I do tend to retreat to a safe fall-back bunker, a virtual blanket fort of comfort and self-soothing. I’ve been camped there for about three days, trying to heal enough to poke my head back out. (Especially on social media.)

Sigh.

I find myself afraid to speak in such sensitive times. I definitely do feel like everything I say is picked apart.

I’m not a perfect person, I’m a recovering perfectionist, which, in case you have any confusion, is not a really good thing to be. It’s got the word “perfect” stuck right in there, but it is so far from being the reality.

I was looking back at some thoughts I had a few years ago and was able to say that I’ve definitely grown in some areas, but I have a long way to go. I’m not a person who does “politically-correct” very well, I don’t like to be censored. But even more than that, I don’t want to hurt people who are already hurting. But all I know is how to be myself and speak the way I speak and if I inadvertently hurt someone, try to apologize and pick up the pieces the best I can.

My religion is this: LOVE.

My fallback position is this: LOVE

My answer to most of life’s ills is this: LOVE

I don’t pretend to know how to walk out the answers to the world’s troubles, and I don’t believe in pat answers anyway. But more love, more education, hearts and minds that are opened and willing to learn and grow, this is a key for me. If it isn’t key in your life, we’re probably going to butt heads… a lot.

If you think you’ve got it all figured out, we aren’t gonna mesh well. Heaven knows I struggle with my own self daily to strike a balance between confidence and being a know-it-all. I don’t know it all but also, I’ve learned a very tough lesson about adopting the views of other’s blindly and I don’t do that anymore. And yes, I’m prickly about it. But I’m not likely to join a cult, either. I’m not much of a joiner at all these days.

As I DO feel I’m walking on eggshells, I’ll just say this. I’ve been wrong in the past, and I know I still have things to learn, especially about racism. Also I hate being judged by those who don’t know me. I’m prickly about that, too. (I have a lot of my own issues based on my own experiences, as you have yours.) Rest assured, I’m continually working on me. But I cannot and will not blindly adopt the belief systems of others, (especially when their answer is for me to just be more like them.) For me to know something and know it well, deep down, I have to examine it closely for myself. I’ve grown sick of people telling me what to say or who to be. Sick and tired. A prickly point for me? Yes, indeed.

Also, sick of all the hate, bigotry, misogyny, and racism in the world. If you’re trying to fight that, we are more on the same side than you know.

You do you and I’ll stay in my cozy fort continually working on who ME is. I’ll keep growing and keep learning. I’ll keep doing me the best way I know how to, on any given day. My virtual blanket-fort can be a lonely place at times, but sometimes that’s the point.

And sometimes I invite special folks in for a visit. Special in their love and compassion, usually. (I have little patience for criticism or judgment.)

For those fighting the good fight in big ways and small, for working on yourself, too, no matter how uncomfortable, I salute you.

(Comes out from blanket-fort long enough for fist bumps and coffee mug clinks.)

Peace Out

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Blog June 3, 2020

I have (at least temporarily) deactivated my Facebook account. It is an arena that I am going to decline to participate in any longer, maybe permanently, not sure. I finally asked myself. “If you went into a room every day and someone punched you in the gut each day, would you keep going into that room?” My answer was no, that would not be wise.

Some of my frustration word vomit for the day:

Me: I am horrified at what’s happening in the world, the murder of George Floyd. It’s horrible.”

The world: “Don’t say that.”

Me: “Don’t say what?”

The world: “Don’t say it’s horrible, say this instead.”

Me: “Um… huh?”

The world: “Don’t say this, say that.”

Me: “Stop- telling me what to say!”

The world: “Don’t talk about it.”

Me: “Huh?”

The world: “But whatever you do, don’t be silent.”

Tons of white girls: “We know what you are to say and do. Do this.”

Other people of all backgrounds: “No, don’t do or say that. It’s offensive and wrong.”

Me: *face-palming* “Stop it!!”

And that explains my life lately.

But ultimately, it isn’t about me and I recognize that. As with all things, each person handles it differently. What I can no longer do, though, is be told what to do and what not to do every day by fifty random people, all of which tell me to do something different. No, thanks.

So I will default to just me being me the best way I know how. That’s my wheelhouse.

Don’t tell me who I am based on my skin color, if you didn’t notice, EVERYone hates that. If you truly don’t want to hear what I have to say then don’t read what I have to say. Simple enough, right? Right. Thanks. Moving on.

Meanwhile, Covid 19 is being summarily ignored as if it no longer exists. Our county seems to have levelled off at least, so that is good news. This week I am returning to my doc appointments, trying to get caught up there. The mask/no mask battle rages and frankly I don’t care what you think about it, you do you. I am going to wear a mask. The doctor’s offices I am going to have asked me to wear them and I am going to comply. I am also going to wash my mask regularly because that’s just good sense.

Tense, horrible times we live in. And ultimately people who follow blindly are my biggest source of stress.(It being a given that hatred and murder suck.) I cannot be around those who think DT is the second coming. I just can’t. I will blow a blood vessel. 

So. Not much else to say today, except that I am hoping, vibing, praying for change. I will continue to love and to hold out hope because ultimately what else can you do?

Peace Out

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“A Million Hugs for You”

This is for the different, the misfit, the one that refuses to step into line.

This is for the ones being called names for not fitting in or looking like all the rest.

This is a hug for the woman dismissed as “sweetheart” and believed to be brainless. A slap on the ass and a stare at the chest.

This is for all the times you were judged by your looks alone, for all of the times you were told to smile more, sit up straight, change your clothes, shut your mouth.

This is for the ones told to Stay in Your Lane or get back in the kitchen or the bedroom.

This is for all the times your quiet demeanor was mistaken for weakness.

This one’s for your soft voice being trampled over and dismissed by louder ones, even by someone you love.

This one is for all the times you were pushed down, held down, shut down. For trying to use your voice only to have it be ignored, torn apart deliberately misunderstood.

This one’s for daring to go against the flow, for continually being told you’re wrong, stupid, or uninformed by those in caves and boxes of their own design.

This one is for the publicly shamed or humiliated for simply being you.

This one is for the ones brave enough to

Keep

On

Going.

đź’™
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June 1st Blog

I’ve made changes to my privacy settings on Facebook but will try to keep it going so I can see and chat with the 12 to 20 people or so that I really have grown to love that I would never see otherwise.

Some are predicting civil war and even world war after the year we’re having (and it’s only June.) War is only always MAD. (Mutually Assured Destruction.) Trying hard to have enough faith in humanity that we can avoid that. I see all of the anger, though, and now more than ever, it feels as if there is nowhere to go with that anger, nothing constructive that can be done with it, but I pray that doesn’t mean we all throw up our hands and decide to be destructive with it. (Though I admit that there are systems and mindsets that need to be deconstructed.)

Ya know, I’m smarter than I look. I have come by (with tons of difficulty and work on myself) a strong sense of self, lots of confidence and self-love, and have set many boundaries for myself. The more I have done that, the more I am shown the truth that – when others don’t have these things, they see me as being arrogant. Don’t care, can’t care, and won’t apologize for it. It comes with taking care of yourself. We’ve been taught NOT to for far too long.

I am sick to death of being taught or schooled by those who have lived half the life I have lived with almost zero of the experiences I have had and that won’t fly. Nobody has any respect for the “elders” anymore and I can kind of understand why, but only if you’re judging all older people as being exactly the same. Young people don’t like that being done to them, and neither do we. We don’t take kindly to the hard-fought wisdom we’ve gleaned being tossed aside blithely by the exuberance of youth. That being said, some of the smartest and kindest people I know ARE young. So, all of that to say, STOP assuming you know anyone if you truly do not and judging them by skin color or age or demographic. Just STOP.

The ONLY thing I will say right now about Mr. Floyd is that I am so incredibly heartsick. I dearly love some people with brown skin and black skin (and other colors) and I cannot fathom the pain. I won’t pretend to and I won’t diminish it with any more quick responses or thoughts. Just… I love you.

I’m gonna say something stupid obvious– if you don’t know me, you don’t know me. Some know the ME I was 30 years ago and I am not that person, so you may think you know me but you don’t. I daresay my own (original) family that I have not been able to be around much over the last 30 years, (back in Oklahoma or scattered around the world) don’t truly know me, but may know my core heart as good, or at least I really hope they give me that benefit of the doubt. So do not dare to judge my heart or my motives to my face. I will shut that shit down.

Now having vented about that, I’ll move on to other word vomit for the day about what is happening in this messed-up world and/or about my life, etc.

I’m doing well (outside of being that level of stressed that never goes away from the Covid mess) and then adding all that the world is going through over this past week and the stress of that (realizing that my stress about that is primarily extreme heartache and doesn’t compare in any way to all that the black community feels.) I am heartsick. 

I’ve always considered myself to be a patriot and someone who loves America but I’ve never felt this sad and heartsick about our country and its direction. If that offends you I’d just ask you to look with broader, more open eyes of what and who we are and what we look like to the rest of the world at large. We used to be a true super-power that earned the respect of others. If you are under any delusion that this is still true (in the eyes of the world) then wake up. We are a laughing stock.

Many Americans simply refuse to acknowledge that there is a world beyond our borders and if they think of anyone outside of America at all, it is down their noses, with hatred and disrespect for all. This is not me. I do not feel this way. I am not a nationalist. I realize that the cracks, the fissures that America needs to heal, are deeper and wider than ever before, and frankly, I currently have little hope of waking people up to it. People absolutely refuse to acknowledge it, stubbornly and blindly. I have no patience at all for that. Having zero connections or friendships outside of the US is a great way to become such a narrow minded individual. Don’t travel, don’t care a hoot about anyone who doesn’t think or act or look exactly like you. Then you’ll end up being a true American. This saddens me more than words can convey.

This statement alone has many people hating on me and dismissing me and throwing me into a box with a huge label (or four) but I can’t care about that anymore. It’s very difficult to find your voice and then silence it. Being silent has caused more problems than it has ever fixed, (outside of loud hate-mongering). Much like the person who stands up on the playground between a bully and an innocent, there is a time and place to use your voice. (Not your guns, axes or fists, but your voice.)

I believe whole-heartedly in the right to peacefully protest and yes I’d fight for the right for someone who vehemently disagrees with me on policy to be able to stand up and exercise that right. All people have this right, not just those who look and feel like you or me.

As a side-My opinion on guns is that it is in our constitution that we have a right to bear arms. We came out of the wild west and in many ways are still there. If you want to get a permit and take classes and be psychologically evaluated to own a gun, be my guest. (And sadly I think we are at or almost at that place where people need to be evaluated before being given a permit.) But it must be recognized that guns are for one purpose in 2020, to kill. They are no longer something we need in order to eat. Many countries outside of the US are just plain better at gun control than we are and this is proven out by the decline of gun violence in their countries after enacting stricter laws. You can’t disarm the general public without disarming the “bad guys” which simply means it has to be country-wide, worldwide controls in place. And of course, murder begins in the heart of man. Someone bent on murder have always and always will find numerous and creative ways to kill. But having a large rock in your hand, or a knife, is just less damaging to large groups of people than having an assault rifle in your hands. It just is. The average joe does not need a sniper rifle or an assault rifle. 

Our RIGHTS have far outweighed our sense and our morals in America for quite some time. (Our forefathers could not have envisioned the world as it is today.) Just because you have a right to do something doesn’t mean you should. SHOULDS have more to do with an individual’s own morals and ethics. In a perfect world, people would understand this. In a perfect world, all people would have ethics and morals (and no, I no longer believe that people must have a religious faith affiliation to have ethics and morals, I find this to be very short-sighted.) Why? Because my world has expanded and I have changed my own faith and belief systems, and because in my lifetime I have met some of the best and most ethical, loving, moral people on the planet who do not claim any religion or god as their source, and also I should say I know people from many various belief systems who are also loving and good and kind. It is possible to be an atheist and be loving and moral and kind. And I know some personally. If you don’t know some, perhaps consider widening your circle. Stretch the boundaries of what you have always believed to be true.

We’ve become a people obsessed with social media and that has led us to being obsessed with making sure that everyone else has to look and act and feel the same… same religion, same skin color, same belief systems, don’t you DARE be different. It’s shining a lot of light on these old outdated ideals. It feeds nationalism and hatred and prejudice. It IS possible to be a lover of America and not be a nationalist, to grieve at who we have become and are becoming. To be respectful of the different (from you or me or anyone).

I cannot deal any longer with people’s short-sighted, narrow-minded knee-jerk and often hate-filled  reactions on social media so I am going to move more towards posting on my blog and posting about my artistic endeavors (when I do post on Facebook particularly) and I hope that anyone who loves a bit more like I do or who are open-minded and loving, will follow my blogs here. I have my YouTube and my Insta and I’ll use those more, too. In a time when we cannot talk face to face, it is more and more obvious that we don’t know how to relate on social media.

One last provocative statement before I sign off for the day: If you have not changed AT ALL in the last 20 years, it might be time to stretch your heart and mind. Don’t be a stagnant unmoving swamp. Learn, Grow. Love.

Love and Peace to all.