Month: May 2020

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May 28th Update (on virus thoughts and life, etc)

May 28th update on my thoughts on the virus and our response, long term:

Everyone has had their own reactions and responses to this horrific event, and our views change (or should evolve and grow) over time. Mine have. The things I thought and felt at day one or week two or day 45 of isolation, they have changed and evolved as things have progressed. I still witness so many people being rude and thoughtless and downright mean-spirited on the daily and this is heart-breaking. I made the decision early on to be open-minded, find facts (as much as anyone can), not get drawn into lunatic conspiracy theories, and adjust my thinking as more info presented itself. The following is where I am at today, May 28th.

Leaving conspiracy theories aside (which I am absolutely doing) though I acknowledge this is a crazy messed up, money-obsessed world with all kinds of things going on that most people don’t know anything about, I believe the world has always operated this way so I’m not shocked at all by any of it. We just hear more now than we ever did before. (And what we hear is distorted to fit someone’s agenda, I guarantee you that much.) Those things aside, here it is.

I think there have been and are still many of us, particularly those of us who would consider ourselves or close loved ones to be high risk, that have felt like this would all one day pass… in 14 days or 30 days or 90 days, that one day it will magically disappear and we can all leave our homes again absolutely risk-free. I no longer believe this is going to happen. If it does, I will be thrilled, obviously, but from all I have read, I now believe that this virus isn’t going anywhere, not for a very, very long time and may stay around pretty much forever much like the cold viruses we have now.

So. If this is indeed true, (and I am not quoting anyone here because people choose to believe what they will and it does not matter one iota what the source is, I’ve seen this many times), then one must then decide what to do about it. To me, wisdom says, be careful, wear masks, wash your hands a lot, stay away from large crowds of people (etc) while also beginning to get back to some sense of life. For me, the biggest thing is being able to see my kids and grandkids again. For some it is going back to work or finding a new job. So, for me, I am working towards a date in the near future where I will be able to see my loved ones, while we all act responsibly (making sure everyone is well at the time of visits, etc). Because it is either this or resign myself to never seeing them again, and I am here to tell you, that is not an option for me.

So over the coming weeks I will begin to wear a mask and go shopping again. Go to my doctor’s visits again. See my chiropractor. Go back to my allergy clinic for shots, and other such things. I intend to be very careful about where I go and take care of myself as well as I possibly can, but I cannot simply stop living forever or stop seeing my family forever. I can’t NEVER go back to a doctor. Life has got to go on. I have come to understand and accept this.

I am endeavoring to accept anyone and everyone’s points of view (as long as they are being kind and compassionate, because I will never understand the mean-ness.) Each of us must decide what feels right for us and our loved ones.

Because we were already so divided (and there are many people in some extreme camps right now in my opinion) the virus took an already touchy and difficult situation and made it a million times worse. If or when I have to, I will delete my social media accounts altogether, but I am HOPING and trusting humanity enough to try and keep my friends and contacts through social media as long as possible. Nonsense will not be tolerated. I do not mind discussing things with anyone but SHOUTING and talking down to me or others or name calling will not be tolerated on my timelines. If I have to go down to 3 people, then I will.

I don’t know where you are at in your thinking about what lies ahead for you and yours, but whatever it is, I offer you compassion and understanding. I say take as much time as you need. Do what you have to do. Just please be patient with others (as I am trying to as well.)

It’s my opinion that as time goes on, we will all have to “come out from under” at some point and find our “new normal”. It’s that or lay down and die. But you do YOU, do what you need to and when you need to, and each of us are in different areas and different situations. Tread carefully. Be mindful of others please, and if you cannot, then take yourself away from me.

Be well, my friends. Be whole. Be compassionate. Be loving. Be alive.

Peace Out

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Precious Peace

Just chilling out today, went over to the beach for the first time since… a few days before lockdown in March. Ohmigoodness it was heaven. The sound of the waves and the wind was incredibly peaceful and good for my very soul.

Last night I kept “writing” an article or part of a future book in my head as I was trying to sleep and hate when that happens so much. They say, “get up and write it down before you lose it” which is great advice but I was just too tired. Now I’m trying to remember it all. Ah, such is a writer’s life I suppose.

I’m about 80% sure I’ll be writing a non-fiction book about life, my life, and boundaries in the near future. I have a lot to say. (I don’t know if anyone will care, but as we writers say, if it’s in you get it out!) It’s the only way to quiet my brain, get it all out and down.

This last week or so has been so peaceful. Best thing I ever did was back off the Facebook some, and even more than that, blocking and unfollowing people that stress me out constantly. I’ve been able to focus in on self-care and surround myself with people that think even a little bit more like me. It feels like a huge sigh. Trying to let my shoulders come back down where they belong instead of up around my ears all the time. Peace. Precious peace. I love it, crave it, can’t live without it.

Interesting to me how different people find their peace, and from what I’ve observed, many never do. Once you taste it though, you will have to make it a priority in your life. Unfortunately, it often requires- (you guessed it), firm boundaries around yourself and your life. Until I began to have boundaries for myself, I never understood fully how many people don’t have them, and have convinced themselves, (or someone else has convinced them) that it’s somehow wrong or sinful or mean to set rules around your life, to put the fence up. You’ll fence your yard but won’t protect your own heart and life. Stinky thinking.

Self-care is a bad word (or phrase) among many communities and people groups. “Thinking about yourself first is selfish.”

Wrong.

It’s absolutely necessary. If you are not whole and good and well, you are of no use to anyone else anyway. Or worse, you’re doing damage to them, or they’re doing damage to you, (and you’re letting them, because you’re NICE.) One thing I have learned is that the people who truly love and value you in your life will absolutely mind your boundaries and stay in your life and often respect you more for it. (Or, the ones who decide to go, you must let them go.) And some will. And some you will ask to leave, and that’s OKAY.

People will treat you exactly how you allow them to.

Just had to bold that one. Crucial.

The falsehood that we have to put up with being treated badly is one that has been perpetuated since the beginning of time. So many are treated as if they are worthless or simply worth less than others. And they’ve been treated that way for so long, they believe it and accept that it’s true. If you don’t value you, how can you expect anyone else to?? If you don’t know and understand your worth, you’ll never convince anyone else of it.

A boundary is simply saying, “No. You may come this far and no further. You may not come into my inner circle and criticize me or put me down or hurt me.” I was certainly one that never learned this as a child, and many weren’t and still aren’t being taught that it is okay and even necessary to say No sometimes. Children are taught to always listen to and obey adults. In my parent’s generation, it was taught in order to teach children respect. Respect is a very good thing. But in today’s world, we absolutely cannot allow our children out into the world without the skills to do everything they can to protect themselves. We have to do better at teaching and training them to recognize bad or wrong behavior, something or someone that feels “off” often is.

Many, if not most of us, could tell stories of times adults (other than our parents, or in some cases, it is the parents), such as a teacher or scout leader or someone in authority over us- treated us in an unacceptable way. We were also taught that you obey your teachers, elders always, upon fear of death. (Not literally, but you get the idea.) These falsehoods we are taught as children are the beginning of teaching us that we have no power or control over ourselves, our bodies, what happens to us. We’re not to stand up for ourselves or others. Always be kind, behave, be polite, be respectful. Well, yeah, most of the time, but certainly not always. There are times for a loud “No!” It’s necessary for proper health and safety.

In the last several years, I am learning to more automatically bring those walls up, (yes, some walls are good). For someone as sensitive and empathic and empathetic as I am, they have quite literally saved me.

Who gets in and who doesn’t? Well, that’s the question, isn’t it? And the answer will be different for each individual person. For me, anyone who is disrespecting me or putting me down, automatically gets the eject button and the walls are up. Anyone who would try to mock or shame me is out. Making fun-nope. Talking down to-Nope. Mansplaining, NO! Misogyny? No, no, Hell no. Go away, far, far away. I know who I am, I know what I deserve. I know what I will and will not allow into my life. Period.

That, my friends, is having boundaries. Let’s talk more about it.

Elbow rubs and blown kisses to you today, my loves. Peace Out!

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Short & Sweet

Daily (almost) blog

I didn’t blog at all yesterday but gonna let myself off the hook since it was Mother’s Day. I had a pretty great day (though it was a bit rainy here). We played games on the PS4, talked to family, etc. At bedtime I had one of those times when I got super-tickled about something weird I did or said and laughed myself silly, like could not stop laughing, had Bill laughing, it was hysterical. So that was fun. So glad he gets me when I crack myself up. Glad it cracks him up, too.

Life is so much less stressful when I don’t think about the virus mess so much. We do what we can do, and then I’ve been letting go of the rest. I tend to carry the burdens of the world sometimes, and I shouldn’t. Well, I can’t. Not for long. So, taking care of me and mine, doing our part to care and pray for others, donate, etc., then we just go on with doing our lives.

When I don’t bump up against the judgment of someone else, someone who knows nothing about me, or someone with limited perspective, I do really well. Lesson learned.

Whatever you’re dealing with today, I hope you make it through with a little peace, a little joy, a little patience, and lots of love.

Peace Out

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Almost Normal

A good Saturday.

There’s a line in the movie Beverly Hills Ninja where Chris Rock’s character says something like, “Man, every time I leave my house, everywhere I go, there’s someone waiting there to kick my ass.” I haven’t watched that movie in years but apparently that line stuck with me. Cuz I do feel like that sometimes. Metaphorically speaking.

Definitely social media feels like that. Many of us have become careful about what we say, because no matter what it is, there’s someone out there that not only disagrees with you, but wants to kick your ass about it. It’s so tiring. And it happens now more than ever before as we have become so divided. That’s one reason why I’ve started blogging here more rather than saying all my “word vomit” right there on Facebook. I figure the amount of people who will actually care what I have to say enough to click through is small and even the ones who do, rarely want to leave a comment. Hey, cool with me, cuz –if ya can’t say something nice, don’t say nothing at all–works for me.

Me and hubs spent a lot of time outside earlier and even went for a ride in the car, windows down and music blaring. It felt almost, dare I say it, normal. We went over and looked at the ocean but didn’t get out of the car, just drove around a bit. Things are really starting to open up over at the beach area, more and more people are going to the beaches even though they still have the boardwalk and the parking areas blocked off, which makes no sense to me, but there ya go. Seems to me that if ya can plop your chair down and sit on the beach, that’s no worse by parking your car nearby or being able to walk the boardwalk, but I guess they don’t agree.

We’re thinking and hoping to go to the beach in a couple weeks time (we saw some areas that were completely deserted where we could go and still be away from everyone.) It will be nice to do that again. We still plan to avoid restaurants (except take-out) for a bit longer and are staying away from everyone for a while yet. To each their own, I suppose, but we will make our own decisions on where to go and when. (We should live in the ‘show me” state cuz we are big on waiting and watching.) We seem to be down to one new case a day in our county, so I hope the low numbers continue to go down.

Meanwhile, as I said, today has felt nearly normal and we have been needing some of that. The emotional wear and tear on people can be so devastating, but I know people have different thoughts on when and where they go. We’re just taking it slow and easy. It helps me so much mentally just to get outside and get some sun. Hubby will be good once he can start on an outdoor project he has been wanting to get started on, which should happen soon. I think I worry about him more than me (as far as how we’re coping.) I guess because I am so much more used to being at home a lot and not seeing other people for days or weeks at a time. My social butterfly is struggling. Not sleeping well, etc. He’s good, I mean I really think he is, but it’s just so new and different for him. And in the midst of it all, we both realize how incredibly fortunate we are compared to some who have lost jobs, loved ones, etc.

Gratitude helps.

I guess Almost Normal will have to suffice for this weekend, and oh yeah, Happy Mother’s Day  to any Moms out there. I hope you are being loved on. 

Love and safe hugs to all my buds out there! Hang in there.

Peace Out

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Melancholy Day

Daily blog. Nearing the middle of May and our lockdown that was initially going to be for 14 days is now around, what, forty-something? And no answers in sight, only a lot of supposition, misinformation, and scrambling… by and large anyway.

Watching so much TV. But everything I do is from home and has been for some time and I’ve put the TV on for company for years, but still… even more. Distraction. But it’s shows, not news.

It’s true what I’ve read about how we tend to go along relatively well for a few days and then have a bad day or two. Up days and down days. A real-life roller coaster.

I do my best when I just focus on the day-to-day, Laundry. Dishes. Grocery lists. Making lists of things that need doing or that I want to do. Being creative helps so much. Exercise helps. Sunshine helps. And what keeps me the most calm is refusing to listen to the muck and junk going on out there. I listen to the news only once or twice a week from our local channel, occasionally watching when our Mayor is on TV. There’s an absolute Ocean of Crazy out there and I don’t intend to drown in it.

Stress is real and it is a killer.

So grateful for my husband (that I’m not entirely alone, as some are). I’m beginning to understand why people do the things they do a bit better, the utter madness, the things we grasp at… the ways we cope. And I can be a judgy asshole, I freely admit it. This is teaching me how NOT to be one, not quite so much. Being stretched in that direction, anyway.

I may never truly understand the perspective of some others but must then also accept that they may never get mine, either. Trying to have love and compassion as my fall-back position. It’s not always easy. Maybe especially for someone like me.

Also grateful that I have a nice home and some outdoor space where I can still be a good distance from others. Grateful that as many, many others have to continue to go out into the world to work, I am able to stay home. I know many have lost their incomes entirely. It could happen to any of us at any time.

Talking to a good friend and neighbor yesterday was good for me (and her, I think). To hear another human’s voice besides mine and my husband’s. And I get to speak with or Skype with family occasionally. 

I’ve come to realize that I’ve been working so hard on myself, to get myself together, figure out exactly who I am and what I can and do believe, that I’ve utterly isolated myself from most other people and I was doing this long before lockdown. Perhaps for years. It’s a trap we introverts can easily fall into.

I’m going to endeavor, especially once we can get out and around again safely, to socialize more, be more open to friendship and to allow people to be who they are. I think I’m ready. I’m ready to be around those very different from myself and still be able to love and embrace them. At least I think I am. I think I will be by the time we are “released” from this nightmare. Realizing that I will still be “too much” or “too different” for some. (Always have been, always will be. I’ve accepted it.) But for me… I WILL be open to more. (And it will be an act of pure WILL.)

Facing yet another day in isolation and here in solidarity with the rest of you also doing so…

Peace Out

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Embrace the Beast (& Tame It)

One thing that has become abundantly clear to me as I’ve been working hard on myself, is that I am (as I’ve mentioned before) incredibly stubborn. In a discussion with my mother I realized (another epiphany) that I am the daughter of two fiercely stubborn people. The thing about stubbornness is, I’m probably never gonna outrun that DNA but I can realize it’s there and a big part of me, and then make a plan to deal with it. To tame that beast.

Stubbornness can make me didactic, dogmatic, and hard at times. It can make me run right over other people’s thoughts and feelings in order to get my own point across.

It can also help me finish writing a book or complete any task I start. It helps me in being what I call an “over-communicator.” I used to tell my children that I would literally sit on them until they opened up and talked to me about what was on their minds (this was during those difficult pre-teen and teen years when they were going through stuff but had no idea how to handle it or communicate it to me.) And that really says it all about me and communication. I will (and have) hounded people in my life until they opened up to me out of a desperate need to just get me to go away. (Nobody say anything about me being abusive, get over it, I wasn’t. I can hold someone with gentle hands and force them to talk to me.)

I’m an incredibly intense person. Maybe this is why I was created with a cat-like physical disposition rather than a puppy’s active physicality… I’d be way too much to handle with that thrown in and would literally never sleep! (Yes I just used literally wrongly, don’t care.)

So, mentally a bulldog/puppy, physically a cat. Weird.

My poor husband. He, (like a lot of men), wasn’t the best communicator in our early years, but I have figured out a way to needle the stuff out of him when necessary. He still struggles with having thoughts and feelings. (From my perspective, he seems not to have any sometimes.) Because I have soooo many that are always out there and all over the place.

I had to work at digging my own emotions out and dealing with them, and now they are all out there and everywhere and at any given moment, I’m playing ping-pong with them, trying to sort them out. I had to do that for my health.

Dealing with hubby is another ballgame. I’ve referenced the old book “Men Are Like Waffles and Women Are LIke Spaghetti” before and there’s another one about Mars and Venus. The point is well made. It’s generalizing, but there is some truth to it.

He has learned in recent years that if or when I sense that he’s got something on his mind, I will employ that same stubborn doggedness to him and to drawing him out. (Yeah, don’t I sound like a joy to live with?) Over-communicator that’s me.

So, all of this to say, stubbornness, when tamed, can actually be channeled into tenacity and a refusal to give up. And THAT trait has served and is serving me well. (Yeah, here’s me trying to put a positive spin on things again! Some days I just can’t help it.) And, of course, some days I  can’t get out from under the covers.

And that’s life in the big city and during a pandemic. And, I guess, life in general. Good days and bad.

Learning from the roller coaster of life–

Peace Out

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Women of a Particular Age

Reading and watching a lot of telly has me thinking of a recurring theme: women of a particular age deciding they won’t take everyone’s BS anymore and speaking their minds. Hmmm. Hits home and sounds way too familiar for me.

I think there is a large sector of women who came up being taught that we were to be silent, to acquiesce at every opportunity. Always go along with the other, especially if that other is a man. It’s a good thing I have a loving, kind, and open-minded husband, because I talk most things out with him and he listens and even if or when we disagree, he allows me to say what I think, to feel what I feel, and isn’t always trying to change it to what he thinks and feels. He doesn’t (at least usually) mansplaine. 

As we women have aged though, the ones in this certain group, we have gradually come into our own, found our deepest hearts and personalities, come to know ourselves, found knowledge, wisdom and we’ve located our voices. We can no longer tolerate being talked over, shushsed, discounted, summarily ignored. I was just watching a cop show where this woman, after forty years of bowing to her husband making every decision without even consulting her, stood up to him and told him that the man had never asked anyone else’s opinion ever, and was only ever happy when he got his own way. “Bravo!” I shouted in response, and gave her a hand-clap.

That wasn’t even a harsh statement, just a true one, and the man looked as though he’d been slapped. Rude awakening. A lot of men are in for a rude awakening, or maybe have already experienced their Woman of a Particular Age speak her mind. There’s an awakening that happens with age. I’ve seen it in real life as well as on telly. There may come, can come a time, wherein a woman feels she’s been lied to, pushed down, controlled and manipulated one too many times. Look out when she becomes aware of this. There’s nothing like a woman coming into her own, finding her power. A lot of people won’t like it. She won’t care, not a flip.

She is my sister, my kindred and I will continue to stand with her, in her corner and shout, “Bravo!” and give her a hand-clap. I am her and she is me.

Well done, sister. Find and use that voice, use it until everyone leaves and nobody, not a soul wants to listen anymore, and then speak into the wind and the sky. Eventually one or two will gather around, those who actually want to hear what you have to say. Keep those people. Keep them near and dear, for they love the REAL you.

Well done, sister. Well done.

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Health Tips and Taking Control

My take on a lot of health issues we struggle with: We have more control over our health than we’ve been led to believe.

In 2009 (while I thought I was fit and healthy, before the pain and symptoms started) I was told I’d have severe Rheumatoid Arthritis and it would just get worse and worse and I’d never go into remission. (I’ve been in remission 3 or 4 times and I’m currently in a remission that has lasted, so far, close to 2 years.) I’ve done far better than 98% of others who have this condition. I can tell you why and how, but most people don’t really want to know. Because it’s hard work.

Over many years I have studied and changed my diet steadily and constantly. Many diseases of the body are caused by inflammation and this runs rampant in our bodies these days. So many things cause it, and what causes it in me may not be the same thing that causes it in you.

I started out by eating what most folks would consider a healthy diet (fruits and veggies, no sugar, etc) and went vegan for about 16 months, then ate vegetarian for a couple years.

My next progression was to also eat what is widely considered to be a “low-inflammation diet” and I began to factor all of those things in. I was still having inflammation problems. It really took a lot of trial and error, trying things out on my own body to see how it reacted and I’ve had environmental allergy testing (take shots now) and food allergy testing done which revealed many things I might be sensitive to and/or allergic to. This required more experimenting for me to really figure out what my body particularly doesn’t respond well to.

By this time, I’ve gotten my inflammation levels down SUPER low. There are 2 tests for inflammation with RA, one is the RA factor and I don’t remember what the other is called, but my last test said my RA factor was negative and the other was at a low 2 or so. (My numbers were so high as to be off the charts when I had my “event” that started my RA, so much so, that it took a few doctors and lots of time and pain before they actually diagnosed me.) Something had happened that had my body’s inflammation levels reach critical mass.

It’s now 2020 and I finally feel like I have control over the inflammation and have for a year or so, pretty steadily. (I no longer eat strictly vegetarian but I’m actually considering going back to it as I’ve recently begun to get a lot of heartburn when I eat meat.)

I’ve learned all about my body and I’ve learned to listen to it when it’s trying to tell me something.

So, all of that to say, I can tell you how to cut inflammation out of your body, but it is not easy and requires study, will-power, and lots of lifestyle and dietary changes. 

I now take ZERO meds for RA and haven’t for some time.

There’s a life lesson here. WE have way more control over what happens in our bodies than what we know or are willing to face. Just how bad do you want to be healthy? That is the only real question. I also exercise and move regularly which is almost as important as my diet.

I have proven doctors wrong a few times in my life, and I’ve done it by taking charge of my health and being responsible about it and listening to MY body. (Doctors are by and large trained to lump everyone together and treat them all much the same.) You CAN be healthier than you may be right now, today. Do you want to be? That is the only real question.

I’m a stubborn person, if you know me at all, you know that. I always search things out for myself and have learned the hard way not to just take, well, anything anyone tells me as fact. I do the work, then make changes for what works for ME. 

Yes, I do have a vice or two. For example, I was told to give up coffee (which is my THING.) So I gave it up for about 9 weeks while I studied coffee and why it can be so toxic. Much of its harshness can be traced to it being a highly polluted food item. Many chemicals make their way to most coffee plants. I researched and found an organic shade-grown low acid blend, and I have now found that I can tolerate a little coffee (if it’s the good stuff primarily) and I cannot do 3 or 4 cups a day like I used to. But I found a way to have it more safely for me. Cuz I’m stubborn like that.

I found 2 “sweets” I will eat occasionally. One is a frozen and sliced banana dipped in dark chocolate and the other is Dove or Ghiardelli or any GOOD brand of dark chocolate (and I will buy organic and non-GMO when I can). I will have a bite-sized piece of dark chocolate if I really need a sweet. Or a frozen banana. I always find a way. But once you’re off of sugar addiction, you will find you don’t crave it, and eventually, can barely tolerate it.

I’ve experimented with alcoholic beverages and did some research and talking with  our local expert and found that wines from Italy and France have a different less-toxic process (non-gmo and more natural fermentation, etc) and I can have a glass of white wine occasionally without it bothering me too much. I cannot have it much or often, but I can. There are certain liquors I could more easily get away with as well, due to them being NOT from America and therefore not being nearly as toxic. (Other countries have much stricter guidelines than we do on what toxins they give their people.) That’s another rant for another time. MOST of my problems with certain foods can be traced back to pesticides and GMOs.

So I have figured out what I will and will not allow into my body, how often I can get away with certain things, etc.

Has it been worth it? Abso-friggin-lutely. I finally had it all coming together.

And then Covid-19. Ah hells bells. Yet one more battle for me to fight.

All of this to say, YOU CAN take control of your health, question doctors, do your own research, and not necessarily take a diagnosis (or prognosis) at face value. Nobody, I mean NOBODY is gonna fight for you and your health like you can. Only you know YOU as well as you. Be pro-active. Take control. Be well.

And PEACE OUT!

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Life is Good, Bad and Ugly.

Blog for today. Hello lovelies. How are we today? Yesterday and today I’ve made lists and I’m going through an item at a time and getting some things done. I have not been productive every single day of the lockdown (nor was I productive every single day before the lockdown). But this week, for right now, today, I seem to need to stay active. It helps.

Getting some sun seems to help me, not just physically, but mentally and emotionally as well. It’s close to 11 and I still have 8 or 9 items left to go. I’m actually happy about that.

When it comes to writing, I seem to be in a real poetry mode. I had started a fiction book a month or two ago, but haven’t touched it since the first week of working on it. Maybe I’ll schedule a day to work on it next week. In the past, once I start a book, I don’t work on anything else until it’s done. These last four or five years, maybe because I’ve been focusing a ton on my mental and physical health, the idea of shorter/smaller projects has greatly appealed. I can finish quickly and get that feeling of accomplishment faster (like checking things off a list).

Then there’s art. I started painting (acrylic on canvas) a couple years back and I find a lot of satisfaction in it. It’s therapeutic and really energizes the creative mind for me. Then I began to take art journaling classes and that has been life-alteringly beneficial for me. I can do longer, more in depth projects, or even just draw or use color pencils, or whatever, and it keeps my hands active as well as my mind. I can do layer after layer, collage or mixed media, or whatever strikes me.

Finding out how to draw faces is something that has been huge for me over this past year or so. I have studied a lot of tutorials, noted what my art journaling teacher does as well as many other artists, then began to practice for hours and hours, trying to find my own unique style. I think I’m beginning to, and it has been such fun. I don’t know how many sketchbooks and journals I’ve filled with faces, but it’s a ton. I try to at least draw and doodle every day. I tackle the larger projects as I feel up to it. Art has–I know this to be true–saved me in so many ways.

This lockdown and virus mess is hard, it has been and it will be, and nobody really knows for how long. I’ve been through hard things before. I didn’t want to go through something like this, nobody does, but I’ll just keep plugging through the best I can. And that’s life, isn’t it? Facing the mundane, the beautiful, and the horrible and living through it all.

Keep plugging away, dear friends.

As always, Peace Out

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May the 4th be with you & checking things off your list

Daily blog from lockdown-May the 4th be with you! I actually made a list of things I want to accomplish today, and hoping to get at least most of them done. (Sometimes I write down things like “have morning coffee” just so I can check it off because checking things off the list is ever-so satisfying, isn’t it?)

Mother’s Day is approaching and I wish I could hug my Mom in person (and that my kids could hug me) but, ya know. Life.

Yesterday was a pretty good day as I found our pollen count finally amenable to me spending some time outside, so I took a long walk with hubs in the morning, then we went in the pool and played volleyball with each other in the afternoon, and I was able to lay out in the sun for a bit. It felt so good, so healing. I’ve been feeling a bit like someone living on a space station… having everything I need but still very confined to a finite space. Not being able to be outdoors has made a bad situation worse, so for however long I am able to get out, I will. Yay low pollen counts!

One of my plans involves putting on a wee bit of make-up, (just enough to look alive) and fixing my hair up a bit. Though I am sporting the “on fleek” style of 2020 (meaning hair that’s overgrown and wild and dark roots showing.)

I haven’t taken acrylic paints to a canvas in a while and I’m itching to do a bit of that this week sometime.

And nail maintenance… I’m doing my own nails these days and my toes have been particularly ignored for some time and need sprucing. (Big, important stuff here.)

Like a lot of folks, I haven’t been doing ALLL the grooming things every single day and have greatly enjoyed life in stretchy pants, but sometimes it does me some mental and emotional good to do something to take care of myself a bit.

I’ve noticed since the lockdown, my dreams are changing. Sometimes I’ll dream things that seem to be easy to interpret, that make a lot of sense and sometimes they remain elusive or dark or just plain strange. 

I did some research into dreams a few years back when writing the book “The Dream Dweller.” I found out about something called Lucid Dreaming. It’s a fascinating thing and one I practiced for a while. It’s where a person realizes while dreaming, that they are dreaming, and then is able to take control over the direction of the dream. Studying up on dreams was very helpful for me, especially if one has dreams that are particularly disturbing. You begin to realize that it’s just your brain’s way of sorting things out, and it often presents things in odd ways.

If you get bored during lockdown, maybe do some research on something you’re interested in, be it dreams or something else. It’s very cool that we have so much information at our fingertips and can find out about just about any subject online and/or get book suggestions for learning more. I’ve always loved TV but after a while I HAVE to do something else.

Whatever you guys get up to today, I hope you’re feeling physically well and that you’re taking care of your emotions and mental state, too. Focusing in on learning something new can be a great distraction. Have fun checking off your list! (It’s so satisfying!!!)

Peace Out

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Thoughts on raising kids and letting them go

Daily blog from lockdown. How long have I been doing these every day? A week? I’ve lost count. It’s been so helpful for me, given me a sense of purpose, even if that purpose is only processing my own thoughts and emotions.

I wrote a poem once about how your kids grow up and leave and have their own lives and how that is absolutely the way it’s supposed to be. Now that we are all having to isolate, these thoughts pop in again. I know, I see, how difficult some parents of young children are finding it, being with their kids 24/7. I know it wears their patience paper thin. I also know that child abuse of every kind is on the rise right now, and thinking those kinds of thoughts will break me if I linger too long.

The thing that helps me feel better when I cannot be around my children or grands, is knowing what good people they are. My kids (like myself, like all of us) are not perfect, but I can say that I am so proud of each of them. They each have their own issues to deal with and conquer, but they seem to be managing to do so with dignity and love for themselves and others. I surely hope so. I also know that as the mother of adult children, there is much I don’t know and don’t see.

But that’s the point I guess. We do the absolute best we’re capable of doing to raise children, and then hope they’re able to make it out in the world for themselves. We have to hope that they grow up to NOT need us quite as much as they did as children. Or perhaps the need morphs into something different.

When my kids were teens, I found myself changing into a person who no longer wanted to jump on them every second about every little thing, but someone who could be more understanding, be more of a friend. I’d seen so many teenagers begin to despise their parents and run in the other direction and I think I bent over backwards to see to it that this didn’t happen. (I left home at seventeen during my senior year in high school and lived with friends, then in an apartment with 5 or 6 other people.) It was a tough time and the closest I guess I ever came to being homeless. 

My parents had rules I found to be archaic and overly strict and it brought out the rebel in me and I couldn’t take being there another moment. I thought I was so grown up inside, that I could handle myself. I believed it with all of my being. So I left.

At home I could’ve had food in my belly steadily and a roof and a bed always, but because we were so different in our worldviews, because of a lot of stuff, every fiber of my being needed OUT. So I got out.

My senior year I only had classes from 8 a.m. until 11 so I basically showed up most of the time and slid through my senior year with almost zero effort. (In my high school days I didn’t give 2 shits about education, didn’t try at all, didn’t feel challenged, and felt sure I would never go to college, so I slid through, still managing to make average or better grades.)

 I don’t know how, but I did. I think I felt such a lack of challenge or interest by that time that boredom alone would’ve driven me out. But I promised my mother I would show up to class and get my HS diploma, and I did.

Having left home and family at such a young age, I think it fed my fear that I would lose my own children when they became teenagers. I judged them by my own experiences. We can do that, can’t we?

My kids (as kids do) eventually made their way out of the nest. And the thing is, trusting them, trusting in the adults that they have become, brings me great comfort. I know this is something that everyone doesn’t have the luxury of feeling/doing, I recognize that, and I’m grateful for it.

My birdies have flown the nest and normally I would get to see them occasionally but with the lockdown, well, it’s been harder. We don’t live all bunched up together like we once did. I am so grateful that, if we had to have a lockdown, we have the technology to video call or Skype or whatever. I’m so glad it’s not still the age of corded phones and huge long-distance bills and no video. Small blessings.

So, though I wish for the live hugging and visits that last for days, I can say that I love them, they love me. They’re good. I believe them to be good. To be okay. Yes, they’re struggling in some ways as we all are right now, but I feel like deep down, it’s okay, it will be okay for them. And I will take peace and comfort where I can find it today.

Here’s hoping you and yours are well and truly OKAY today–

Peace Out

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On Being a Renaissance Woman aka Deep Space Mine

I’m rather a Renaissance woman. I’ve done a lot of different jobs over my lifetime. I’ll name a few here.

Retail cashier, fast food, waitress, (food and cocktail), imprinted trophies, answered phones, worked in communications at a fancy resort/hotel, switchboard operator, administrative assistant, executive assistant, file clerk, hotel front desk clerk, file storage organizer (data management), assistant manager and manager of coffee shop, researched buying my own coffee shop, writer of fiction novels and poetry, volunteer at a food pantry, volunteer at a church, on staff at a church administratively, assistant director of a swim/tennis facility (owned by the church I worked for), owner and partner in an independent publishing company, editor, proof-reader, mentor, teacher at a private school. And of course being a mother to three children. (Writing has been in my life forever.)

*Breathes deep and tries to remember if there are more.

In the last couple of years I’ve gotten heavily into painting and drawing, art journaling, etc.

Having done so many kinds of work, I’ve come across a lot of things I like or love doing and a lot of things I really do not.

I’m most definitely a creative person, and highly organized. Bringing order to chaos has always felt like a deep underlying theme for me. I like to do that on the small scale (organizing drawers and closets and files) and on a large scale, (trying to bring about peace in the world at large and the world around me.) I’m a peacemaker. I’m pretty good at sitting down between two warring parties and helping them settle their differences. It all flows along the same lines.

I love decorating homes/rooms. I have a great sense of rhythm, I love music with a passion,  and I have a great sense of color.

It’s kind of helpful writing these things out.

I’ve had people say to me that they aren’t good at anything, or they aren’t good at anything creative. I never believe them. I think anyone can be good at most anything if they really try and sometimes people simply have not yet figured out what they’re good at. Some go to their graves never figuring it out. I daresay a lot of people did a hundred years ago.

These days more people have more of an ability to have hobbies or have the time to do creative things or things that simply make them happy, or at least some do. The Industrial Age brought about machinery and equipment that made human’s daily chores so much easier. And now, computers and technology are daily changing the way we work, live and play. There are still farmers and people who do hard physical labor from dawn to dusk, but nine-to-five has become a bit more the norm.

I encourage you, if you haven’t yet, to spend some time figuring out what you dearly love doing and what you despise, and finding at least one creative thing to do, either through work or as a hobby. Creativity really does work from an entirely different part of the brain, and we don’t want to go through life using the bare minimum of our brains. (Studies suggest all of mankind uses a tiny fraction of our brain’s capabilities, even the smartest among us.) I will continue to stretch the areas of my brain that I use, and make more wrinkles up there, stimulate more little grey cells.

I have to believe it is part of the reason we’re here, to keep learning and growing. Our hearts ought to be continually stretched as well.

To begin to discover your deepest talents and the things you might love putting your hands to, make a list similar to the one I did above. Write out all the jobs you have had, whether it’s one or many. Take note of what things you enjoy and which things simply add stress. If you’ve only ever had one job, make a list of pros and cons, what you love or loved about it and what you did not enjoy. This can be a helpful exercise in discovering a direction.

I think at times like these (when we are faced with our own mortality) it can be a time of awakening in many areas. Some will decide they aren’t happy with their lives and begin to make changes. We do, after all, only have One Life to LIve as the soap opera said.

If you need any help discovering things about yourself, as I said, I’m highly organized and may be able to help. Leave your email address with me and I’ll get in contact.

A Renaissance Woman (or man) will always have a broader view of life, we’ve lived in a lot of different environments and experienced a lot of perspectives. We’ve been through some shit and learned a lot from it. We tend to be more open-minded and ready for growth and change.

I’ve used the term “old-soul” before in discussions with some people I’ve met. Some seem to have an older, wiser soul than their mere years can account for.

Be open to change. The hard kind, like this virus and the lockdown will always suck, but being open to positive change is a very, very good thing. And at times in history, a time of crisis will precede a time of positive growth and change.

Coming at you from my deep space in isolation–

Have a mind-stretching day my friends.