I haven’t written a blog in a while. We moved to Florida in November and I started an art class in January and I’ve been dealing with annoying health crap as well. After a while I will really get the itch, so here I am! Finally doing a blog post again.
So many things have been on my mind and heart lately, but I wanted to share some thoughts on women and self-esteem. Earlier I commented on this older ladies’ post and she’d had her hair done and make-up done and she looked amazing, so I said “You are gorgeous.” And yes, I meant it, she did. I think it meant so much to her because we women, for so many reasons, don’t feel beautiful. I’d like to say this is a problem in older women (and goodness knows everything is harder and worse and amplified as we age) but it isn’t just older women. I’ve heard my grand-girls at ages 3 and 7 & 8 years old, make negative comments about themselves, their weight, their whatever. It breaks my heart.
I’m so glad I’ve had an awakening of sorts, and I’ve been through therapy, and I’ve made an attempt at getting a handle on these kinds of things. I try to take every opportunity to tell women (& girls) how beautiful they are. But also, to emphasize that they are also smart, or talented, or whatever other wonderful thing I may see in them (because it really isn’t all about the physical, though we’ve been trained to think that.)
I wish my parents had told me I was beautiful more often, and I’ll tell you why. This world and many, many of the people in it will take every opportunity to put 2 messages into our heads, as follows:
“It is all about your looks, pretty people do better, get more and better jobs, attract better men, etc. And you are just not measuring up to the ideal.” Show me one girl or woman who hasn’t experienced this in some way, even at a young age, and I’ll show you someone who grew up in a commune/cult. No, no, it’d even happen there. For whatever reason, this message will and does get across. The media, TV, movies, have traditionally been about this outer beauty and have, intentionally or not, sent the message to all females that we must fit a particular ideal or we are wrong/ugly/stupid/unworthy. And many boys and men have made it worse and enforced the idea by treating women as objects, requiring them to look a certain way before even considering a relationship, treating them as though they are “less than,” ugly, or just plain don’t measure up.
Well hallelujah and pass the jeweled crown, because I have a different message for ya. Women are so stinkin’ strong. They have been treated badly forever and still carry children inside of them, they do jobs of all kinds, traditionally-male jobs oftentimes, and often better, faster, and more reliably than their male counter-parts. They know from pain. They have taken the abuse and mistreatment and have grown stronger, tougher, smarter, for it.
This isn’t meant to be “anti-man,” no not at all. I know several great, good men, who do their best to treat women with the dignity and respect they deserve, but more often (in my 55 years of life) I have unfortunately found these men to be rare. More often we find the misogynistic cat-calling, judgy kind that will ask for a beer, belch, rub their beer belly, then complain that their svelte 140-pound wife needs to drop a few. Double standard? Absolutely.
In a TV show recently, there was a husband that said something to his wife about how she had “undermined his authority” and she came back with, “but I’m not under your authority, I am your wife and your partner, and someone you love.” I loved that.
This is a good place to segue into the topic of how religion and church have gone a long way towards propagating this attitude. For millennia men in the church have been taught to treat their wives as “under” them and just a little bit less than. That their opinions really don’t matter in the end. This (in my opinion) is a big manipulative abuse, one of many, that has been caused by mankind using the bible to subjugate their wives. Now I know a lot of you disagree, yet, I’ve seen about 65 % of the couples I used to go to church with, end up divorcing. Now maybe these weren’t all about their patriarchal attitudes, but it is very telling. It just doesn’t work in the real world. Even for religious, devout folks. It just doesn’t. There must be a reason… oh yeah, there is. It was never meant to be that way. I refuse to believe it another second of my life. (I actually came to this conclusion many years ago, and got freedom in a lot of areas. And yes, I’m a very happily married woman.)
But, as usual when I get going, I have digressed. Though it all plays together. Women have always been told they were, and treated, as less than, forever. It just isn’t true.
It’s time for women to come into their own, and it starts at a very young age. Stop telling your daughter she’s too heavy. If she has a serious weight problem that causes health issues, get her therapy and a doctor, but love and support her all the way. Tell her she’s gorgeous. Tell her she’s smart. Tell her you love the way she smiles, paints, writes, dances…. All of it. Never worry about it going to her head, because the only way it goes into her head is by giving her a positive sense of self-image and worth. Don’t forget tons and tons of compliments and positivity in every aspect and area of her being. Compliment her soul and spirit and how hard she works.
It begins in the home (as most things do). Fathers, show your daughters that their opinions matter and that they are capable of doing anything (I repeat anything) they want to do. Revere and respect them and they will give that back to you 100-fold.
Things are changing for the better for women, but we have so, so far to go.
As for me, I never negative self-talk anymore. I don’t call myself fat or ugly or stupid. I’m not, so why would I? I’m positive all the way. I get up each morning, (almost every morning!) excited and passionate that I get to use this bod to do the things I want, need and love to do. I’m free. And it’s amazing.
I am happier and freer than I have ever been, more confident, in control of what I allow around me (boundaries) and all that wonderful stuff. I got self-esteem in spades, and I’ve learned how to keep it going and growing.
(Hint: Stop worrying ALL the time, what others think of you. This is a BIGGIE.) I mean everyone. Be the real you and those who truly love you will stay with ya.
Don’t be afraid to speak truth to power. Your version of truth, not theirs. (I’ve learned everyone has their own.) Your spouse, your kids, your in-laws. Let them see the real you. They love you or they don’t. Simple but not always easy.
You gotta get you some of this freedom stuff. It will change your life.
PS: You’re gorgeous!! And powerful!! And worthy!! You really, truly are.
(I’m standing in my Warrior Stance. If you watch Grey’s Anatomy, you’ll know what I mean.)
Peace Out!!
