US

 

Once I needed you

Because I needed someone, anyone

But now I need you

Because of you, who you are

You’ve proved yourself to me

Time and time again

I thought I loved you for you

But I loved you for me

I was that shallow

Not fully understanding self or even need

And over the years

You showed me

You

And I finally understood

That you are more than I ever knew

Not just that you love me, too

But that you get me

And you’re honest

And true

And such a good soul

And then the changes came

Life happened

And here we still are

Still together

Still you and me

Still us

And you’ve always been the steady one

The straight line to my squiggles

Always there

A rock

A mountain

And I, the child, learning to walk and run

Learning who I’d become

A storm next to a sunny day

And the storm still rages

Though calmer now

With focus as well as intensity

And you’re still there with me

You’re there

You’re here

We’re here

We’re us

To stay

To this day

 

 

December 2017 blog post–On Self-Love and Self-Confidence

There’s so much going through my mind right now that I almost literally cannot move and function, which for me, means it is time to “download.” Time to write it all out.

I’ve been thinking a lot about personal growth, (it’s a thing with me), and so I love sharing my journey so that maybe even just one person will connect with something and maybe find it helpful.

Of course, no-one is ever under any obligation to read these things I post, whether I post a link to my site where I have all the blogs or if I decide to share it all on my personal Facebook page, PLEASE feel free to keep scrolling.

So, here’s where my thoughts are today, December 7th, 2017.

I had the thought that it may be a great personal litmus test to see just how comfortable you are with yourself, if you can go out and eat by yourself. This is not a judgement, just a little test you can take to see where you are with loving and enjoying who you are. CAN you spend time alone with YOU willingly, and totally enjoy it? I know personality types definitely play a part, but in my journey, I have noticed a pattern, that those who absolutely cannot be alone, OFTEN do not know or love themselves well. It’s a part of feeling constantly judged, and being trapped in the mindset of, “what are others thinking about me right now?” If you can’t get past that question, your personal growth will be stuck in one place for years, maybe forever. And I can speak to that because that used to be me. Some aren’t tracking because you’ve conquered this already in your life; scroll on. Some of you are totally tracking with me.

I began making it a practice to go out and eat alone many years ago, and I will admit that, at first, it was hard. I was convinced that others were judging me. They thought I had been stood up, or I was “on the prowl,” looking for a date, or I was sad in some way. And here’s the key. It just doesn’t f-ing matter.

I have found myself so stuck in the jail of other’s opinions and judgements that I was stuck for a very long time. I am free of that now and it is the biggest change and sense of freedom I think I’ve ever felt in my life. And it is a huge step towards loving YOU and realizing that YOU are fun to be around. You’re a marvelous person, deep, intricate. You have layers. Others don’t get it. Who cares?

So, my point today, is If you say to yourself, “I could never do that!” then I challenge you today to do it. Plan it, schedule it. Go to one of your favorite places. Maybe bring a book or a Kindle. And while you’re there make it a point to breathe deep and smile a lot. Relax yourself and just notice your surroundings. Watch people. Observe. Listen.

Go inside. Think about the best parts of yourself. Sometimes I get into these deep conversations with myself or my creator even, in my head, and sometimes I laugh out loud. Yes, people stare. I don’t care. I crack myself up. Deal with it. Yes, people see me as weird, arrogant, blah, blah, blah, but my personal growth WILL NOT rest on what others think about me. And it shouldn’t for you, either.

You may find that you enjoy the practice so much that you begin to schedule alone dates. Dates with yourself. I love it. Do it. I found out a long time ago that I actually really like me. Doesn’t make me less than humble. Doesn’t make me an arrogant ass. I’m just self-aware enough to realize that sometimes I am the only one I want to be with.

All that said, it’s hard to like and love yourself if you carry around a lot of guilt or shame or unforgiveness inside of you. We are all so very different and have had very different experiences, but pain is common to us all. We’ve all been through it. One way or another. My story may not match yours, but we all have stories. The best advice I can give you, is spend time on you and you alone, forgive yourself first, then work on forgiving others around you. You are worthy of love, worthy of acceptance and nurturing, but guess what? That begins ONLY with you. A little one-on-one with yourself. Learn to be your own best friend and you will eventually find other like-minded people to connect with, but it won’t be because of a deep-seeded need to have others love and accept you; it’ll be because you have loved and accepted yourself. And that’s attractive. You will draw the right people to you.

And here’s the downside, (there’s always a downside). You may lose friends, too. Any time we change there will be people who don’t get it, who judge you, who don’t think they like what you’re trying to do. A lot of that is because they want and need you to be messed up and needy. They have their own twisted need for that. Maybe they feel they need you, just as you are. Truth is, they are on their own journey and sometimes we have to leave others behind. Relationships should always be built on mutual respect, love, and understanding. If others don’t respect you doing things that better YOU, then it may be time you hang with a new crowd.

Change and growth is so hard. Self-respect, self-confidence, is hard-fought-for. Do it anyway. You will never truly regret it.

Whatever has happened to you up to this point helped make you who you are. You hold the key to changes for the better; to living YOUR life, not a life others want, need, or expect you to live.

Go out and take on the day and the world today. You’re worth it. You’re loved.

 

 

 

 

Falling in Love, Daily

I fall in love, daily. Not in a strictly romantic sense, in fact, not at all, but it’s more of a soul connection. I meet people and I feel a soul-tingling sensation, (male or female). Something inside me leaps when I meet certain people. It’s almost as if we were cut from the same cloth or that we knew each other in a previous life. Or that we were meant to know each other in this one.

I feel sure that 90% of the time the other person has no idea, nor would they always feel the same connection to me. It’s one of those things I think deeply about sometimes. What is that? What does it really mean?

I’m a sensitive, I know this, so maybe it’s no more than being extraordinarily aware of other souls; of being excited when my soul connects in some area, with another. It’s always oddly disconcerting to me to realize that not everyone does this; experiences this. It used to be shocking to me that others didn’t always feel the same towards me, but I’ve grown used to it by now.

Of course, to explore both the yin and the yang, there are times when I meet people and I’m immediately turned off or turned away by them, too, but this doesn’t happen as often. I discern certain levels of brokenness in some, and it’s the kind of brokenness that I know intrinsically, I can’t influence them for good, they will hurt me, and I should walk away.

We live in a world where there are so many walls around our souls, so much STUFF blocking the way. We’re so guarded. These walls, this stuff, does not lend itself to falling in love in this way with others, with connecting this way.

Others find me different, intense, tightly wound, and I have to admit, they’d be right. I scare people. I’ve come to realize this, too.

A soul wandering the shores of this world with their walls down is different. Not that I’m totally there–is anyone ever? But I like connection. Time and circumstance has taught me to be very careful about who I trust and who I connect with, but even with this knowledge, I still smile inside when I meet someone new and my soul jumps a little.  I think I like it.

Piece of Myself (poem)

 

Most of my life I’ve been keeping a little bit back

A piece of me that was walled and secure

Having seen the devastation of a heart shattered by death and loss

I vowed that would never be me

So

I built that wall, brick by brick over days, over years

Turning away, tuning out, not letting people in

 

Oh I seemed to be, I showed love the best I knew how

But part of me was shut off and after a while even I didn’t notice anymore

 

And then a person comes along and sticks and stays

And they know me more and more and yet still they stick, they stay

But I don’t know how to handle that, always waiting for the shoe to drop

Waiting for them to decide that today is the day they see something in me they just cannot abide

And off they go

 

Again

 

Another one chased away by my truest self and what does that say about me?

Am I intrinsically unlovable? Why has it always seemed that the more they know

The faster they go

 

So I kept that bit, that slice of my heart in cold storage, never letting it out to thaw

Knowing that one day the tragic would happen and it would be that piece that got me through

It was my life insurance against pain you see

Because if I could keep a part of me whole I could rely on that part when the grief came

 

And it always comes

No-one is exempt

 

And now I can feel the ice melting, drip, drip, drip

And it scares the hell out of me

Because if that slice of me is gone, gone to love and acceptance and

Loving with all of my heart and soul then I am a goner

I’m done

There will be nothing left to save me from the pain

 

It’s thawing and now I can’t even stop it, the freezer has stopped working

The wall is crumbling

And when you’re gone I will lose

Even that piece of myself