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My POV aka Don’t be Too Crunchy

I like my blog. It’s my POV. I don’t have to argue with people about why I do the things I do or explain or justify, I can just say what I wanna say. Done and done.

I will never get this particular brand of Trump-mania. The blind-following. Crying “censorship” when anyone disagrees with your rhetoric. When people try to stop the flow of nonsense.

Don’t get me wrong, I love a good conspiracy theory, I have several of my own, but also I am smart enough to understand that they are just that, and as such, it would not be prudent for me to fling them all around the world claiming them to be fact. I reserve those discussions for those I sit and chat with and hang out with, and hey maybe that’s another negative to this pandemic thing… we can’t just sit and have coffee with our buds and spout out our wild conspiracy theories. in a safe environment, safe in knowing that my bud knows when I’m on the edge of koo-koo but we both know it and it won’t leave the room. I like spouting the crazy, but not publicly. Just for fun, just to vent. But in this environment it has become just a bit too easy for people to latch on and start claiming things as fact that are indeed, just theory.

I think the pandemic is making us all a bit too crunchy, too on the edge…. we are not all behaving rationally. We latch on to something just to feel like we have something to latch onto. Pausing long enough to really think has gone out the window, and heaven forbid any of us might be seen to admit that we may have been wrong about something or someone. Our egos won’t allow that. So we hang on for dear life to that which is ugly and wrong and destructive.

If I rant a lot about anything these days, it is to Think for Yourself. Slow down. Zoom out. Find your logic and common sense. Stop getting caught up in the nonsense. (And know you will be embraced and loved, by those that matter, if you find yourself in a position to have to say “Hey maybe I was wrong.”) Give peace a chance. And common sense. And love for your fellow humans. Calm. Logic. Thoughtfulness. It may be harder to find these days, but it can indeed be found and embraced.

Be good to someone today. It’s the right thing to do. Defeat all that darkness with your light. Be the voice of reason in the midst of chaos.

and Peace Out!

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Blogolicious Jan 2021 (life in the time of covid-19 and extremism)

So, yeah. the world has gone crazy again. I deactivated my Facebook account, again. (Once again I feel like a stranger in a strange land, like a lone voice crying out in the wilderness.) All those around me are crying “Havoc!” and letting loose the dogs of war.

As I see NBA players kneeling (now more fully understanding why they do this than I ever used to) and then read the vitriolic responses of the far right, I laugh, a mirthless chuckle. The extreme right does not care to understand, does not dare to open their hearts or minds to new thoughts or information. They don’t care about compassion and understanding but they do care if anyone rubs up against their narrow POV.

If a person hides themselves away refusing to look, read, learn, know anything outside of what they have always known, they will become more and more extremist. Any time you block yourself off from wisdom or knowledge or facts, and insist on only following a finite set of information, you set yourself up for cult-like extremist behavior. It’s bound to happen. History always repeats itself. Because the lessons that should have been learned have not been learned, not at all. When you know you’re right all the time and throw in a little religious fervor, look out. And some of them don’t even need the religion, they just need a cause to launch themselves behind, no matter how hateful it is.

Let’s say the number 5000 represented all the knowledge and wisdom and factual information available to us humans today. Some people will stop at 10. Some at twenty. Some at 4000. They will stop and say “I know it all! I know everything I need to know! Don’t talk to me about anything outside of this!” and “If you believe anything outside of THIS, not only are you wrong, but you’re stupid and evil, too.”

SMDH. Humans are so funny, but not in a laughable way, not today.

I’ve had enough of extremist view points. POVs that leave out compassion, talking with and discussing things calmly and logically with others, that refuse ever ever to (heaven forbid) listen to someone else’s POV. I see it every day. If you start to say something new to them, you can see the wall clang down as their minds and hearts close off. They have already made up their minds about everything til the end of time. They require no new information. It’s fear. It’s lack of maturity. It’s close-mindedness in the extreme.

There are some who follow me who are from a more, shall we say, conservative mindset. That’s fine. I get it. I’ve come out of some of that background myself. But many of you, even family members, do not know me, haven’t been around me for many years. I got to thinking that I know them quite well because they are the same in many ways as they have always been. But they do NOT know me. If you haven’t been around me in twenty years, I guarantee you do not know me. I’ve changed and grown a ton and been through a lot. I feel as though the universe itself said “I will bang your stubborn head on a brick wall until you open your mind and listen.” (The Universe apparently not being content to just let me be.)

Maybe it needs free thinkers, open-minded folks who are teachable enough and open-minded enough to grow along with all the changes that have occurred this century. Maybe people with open minds and hearts are in short supply so I was selected, I don’t know. I only know that I am a product of my experiences, (like most) though some seem to willingly shut themselves off from new experiences.

I’ve lived in a cave (metaphorically speaking) locked away from anything other than One POV, and there is certainly comfort in it. Soft, cozy. Warm.

The real world can be cold and harsh, but out there is where the fighting is, the true struggle. The struggle to be the best YOU you can become. This does not happen without ever having everything you believe in shaken and rattled, questioned, butted about, without something forcing you to face it all. (A new motto of mine is Question Everything, and that is so different than who I used to be.)

If you are someone who cares, I’ll share a bit about myself here (and goodness knows there are tons of blog posts here you can go back over, if you care to know me better, truly. Not just think you know me.)

I am not a Democrat or a Republican (I’m a registered Independent.) For the most part I do support police and military, first-responders, etc. I come from a military family and I will always support those who defend us with their lives. There have been times when certain officers have crossed a line and gone over to the bad place, and if you are a person of color, you know this. It breaks my heart.

Those on the far right might find themselves wanting to call me a snowflake liberal. Whatevs. If it helps you sleep better to put me in that box, by all means. Snowflakes are unique individuals, beautiful. I’ll take it. I DO care about people, I am a softy, no doubt. I love all people, want to see all people cared for and loved and supported, protected, and fed. If having a big heart and Big Love makes me a liberal, then call me that.

I am a writer with a fierce imagination. If I was a youngster in this day and age, they’d likely medicate me for my active mind and imagination. It’s a plate of spaghetti up there, I kid you not. I am ALWAYS thinking (which feeds into me not being able to sleep without some kind of sleep aid.)

I’m smart, but I’m a fish so don’t ask me to climb a tree. Don’t ask me about geometry but I am fascinated with physics and want to learn more. My “no likey maths” brain struggles with some of these things. I am certainly more of a right-brainer than a left-brainer (more creative, less mathy) but I am intelligent. I have an eye for color and design. I am highly organized at times, but can be more loosey-goosey when it comes to art. I have become a person who questions everything. I do have conspiracy theories but they may be different than most people’s.

Though most of my life people have treated me like a dumb blond, I’m actually a brunette. I’ve been underestimated and patted on the head hundreds of times, maybe thousands. But I am a woman, so there ya go. This is how they treat us.

On the whole, I am against abortion, however, I know people who have had them, I’ve sat with them and heard their stories and I don’t judge. Rape, incest, other real life problems factor in. For people who have never experienced crisis in their life, it’s easy to judge. I don’t do it. Also, the government shouldn’t be allowed to tell me what to do with my body.

White privilege is real. I never really understood it before I began to meet and know people from all walks of life, began to read about and hear their stories. Privilege is real. If you are not a person of color you cannot begin to imagine what life is like for one (neither can I). Many do not have the capacity to have empathy for anyone different from themselves. The color of your skin is an accident of birth, you had no choice in it. You’d better believe it.

I never ever look down my nose at the homeless, knowing that many of them had homes and families and so-called normal lives once, and then crisis hit and knocked them for a loop. It is not for me or for you to judge. (“There but for the grace of God,” etc., etc.) If someone told you once 20 years ago that they are all drunks and druggies and to be despised, time to re-think. Heaven forbid it should happen to you. Sometimes we learn lessons in the hardest of ways.

I believe firmly that this right-wing extremism thing is caused by people shutting themselves off from reality. They grow only so far, and then no more, refusing any and all new information. They read only one kind of book, watch only one station, surround themselves with people who are much the same as them. It’s cultish and dangerous, I’ve learned that well.

Now you know more about me. I am all heart, and that heart is broken these days. It is all just too, too much. I never thought I’d live to see such times.

It’s easy to just follow, to go along with what everyone else is doing, it really is. It’s hard to stop and say, “No more. I will think for myself. I will gather information and decide for myself.” It’s so hard, and at times very lonely. But for the first time ever, these last few years have taught me exactly who I am. I know exactly what I believe. (I know way less than I ever did in some senses… I no longer feel I know everything, that’s for sure. I am uncertain about a lot and that’s okay and as it should be. But I remain in a state of continued seeking, learning, and growing.) My mind and heart is open (if skeptical.)

I don’t know why I’m here, and I don’t want any more pat answers. But I am here and I am a writer, and so I will continue to do what I do as long as I can.

I love you, people. I really, really do. I hope you all, we all, remember our love and compassion, especially in such times.

Peace Out!

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Update and Prepping for the Holidays

I had to post again today because yesterday’s was so very melancholy, and, for now, I am feeling much better. I have a phone call or two to make later and hoping things go well, but for NOW I am feeling happier, more “normal” (whatever that even means.)

The nature of feeling anywhere on the spectrum of down and blue to depressed, is such that one has an extremely difficult time imagining that you WILL feel better. That’s one thing that is so heinous about it. Your brain and mind can convince you that life will never be better and that you will never feel better. And this can make things worse and bring about hopelessness to a greater degree. I wonder why that is. Sucky.

While I don’ necessarily feel better about the world at large, our human ability to compartmentalize and sometimes downright PRETEND that life is good, is a real thing.

I’ve always been a person that carries the weight of the world on my shoulders, like Atlas except not nearly so young, fit, and strong. Not sure why I do this, but it has always been thus. Maybe it’s part of the INFJ personality type, not sure. I have – often- too much empathy, think too much about the pain of others, and on a global scale that can get overwhelming. The times when I can back out of that a bit are precious. The times I can convince myself that I am indeed, at least for today, okay. That the world won’t end TODAY, and then breathe a sigh of relief.

Despite it all, trying to get into and stay in a spirit of Christmas, of love and peace. Trying to think about my family, of people all over the world quietly celebrating their various holidays and family time in whatever way they can. Love pressing on and pressing through. Hope remaining. I will cherish these times.

Worry for the world at large can and will resume at some point, but today, I choose peace. I choose a good mood. Joy in spite of it all.

(And all of this after a run-in with a spider that scared the bejeesus out of me and happened to attack (walk in front of me) when Hubs was outside and didn’t hear me scream and didn’t come to my rescue.) I had to be my own hero and take care of business, and I did, but man, I thought I’d never start breathing normally again and get my shoulders to go back down where they belong.

Enjoy this holiday season, friends! (Let there be peace on earth, and let it begin with me.)

Peace Out!

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Ready to Say Goodbye to 2020

Blog Post: December 18, 2020

I’ve so much going on inside that it has made me almost entirely immobilized. Distracted, weepy, and needing desperately to write and word vomit it all out, to process.

Sigh.

This sucky bad no-good year. The virus and all that that entails, the extreme polarization in our world and our country. People pitted against each other, vitriol and hatred, bigotry, hate. Since I “zoomed out” or became more awake and aware of the world around me, (not sure how to refer to it) it’s been rough. I feel a lot like a small protected toddler who has been coddled and sheltered, opening her door and seeing nothing but hate, strife, war, blood, disease, death. I’ve begun to see the world for what it is, not just through a narrow, limited lens. I suppose this is a kind of awakening.

I cannot but miss the feeling of comfort and shelter I used to feel, even while at the same time, understanding how false it really always was. Though I know there is no going back (the world or me, myself) I do find myself looking for comfort, for peace. For that feeling that “all is right with the world” and I don’t have a ton of hope of things getting back to that. I suppose this is what one could call my “new normal”.

I don’t think I could even call it depression, but that would be an easy label to throw on it.

My father is not doing well. I’ve been processing a lot of old emotions and feelings from my childhood. Digging up bones. Processing old wounds. Feeling profound sadness and nostalgia and melancholy. This on top of everything else, well… it’s a lot.

But also, there are small good things. I can feel myself beginning to heal in some areas, and maybe just plain hardening and putting up walls, boundaries and defenses in other ways. Metaphorical scabs forming. Whatever it takes, I guess.

In the end, we are all human, we all find our ways to cope and get by. Writing and art journaling are my saving graces. If I didn’t have some way of getting things out, I’d surely go mad.

Going to get to see family at Christmas and we have all been isolating and being even more super careful than normal in preparation for it, but I need it. We will just walk the beach and chat and will avoid public places. I’ve always been a person that values quality of life, not just quantity, so, though it increases our risk a little bit, we have each determined it is a risk we are willing to take. After Christmas, I will be right back to locking myself down except for that which is necessary, (doc visits and the like.)

In the end (by this time in our pandemic) I have gotten back around to my first feelings on it… If and when I die, I will die. Not so worried about myself but don’t ever want to feel responsible for anyone else dying. Going to be careful and going to do what I need to do. Keep living.

Each month when I look over the calendar, I look at appointments or things coming up and say, “I just have to live through that.” Next thing that comes up, “Okay, just gotta live through that.” One day at a time, one outing at a time. And I do feel like (because of my isolated lifestyle especially), I am relatively low-risk.

My health issues are concerning, and may make me feel like a higher risk person, but over-all, I feel good about my chances of making it through the pandemic. I think sometimes it’s more about just getting through each day and its emotional and mental challenges, not getting too bored, or feeling too isolated, or too wigged out or full of anxiety. It’s hard for me to think beyond next week, beyond Christmas. I take one day at a time and that’s the only way I get by.

In times of stress and trouble in the past, I would always say to myself, “This too shall pass,” and remind myself that things can and will be good again. I try to tell myself that now, but I’m not saying it with a lot of conviction. I think there will be good times again, but I remain worried for the world at large. I think we humans have a lot coming up in our future. I hope to hell we’re ready for it.

But I am damned glad to say good-bye to this year. Maybe, just maybe, 2021 will prove to be better.

Cheers. Happy Christmas. Merry Holidays… I hope you get through, too.

Peace Out

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The Women I Admire the Most

The women I admire the most are women who know themselves thoroughly and unabashedly. They’ve taken the time for introspection; they’ve healed their mess and look unwaveringly forward.

The women I admire the most laugh in the face of others’ expectations. They aren’t concerned with the constricting opinions of others but own who they are.

These women are kind and good and compassionate, (for they have known pain) and though they know how to stand apart and alone, they also understand creating community.

The women I admire the most insist on following their passion and purpose, so don’t bother trying to derail them or talk them out of it. They persevere in all things that matter to them.

They insist on continued growth and knowledge and are always looking forward to their next project.

The women I admire don’t always defer to others but know when to stand their ground and pick their battles with care. They are fierce in protecting the ones they love.

They understand boundaries and how to enact them when necessary. They also respect the boundaries of others.

Women are strong, but the best of them know when and how to wield their power and when to yield it and do not ever use it to manipulate and control others.

The women I admire most embody love and respect and choose their words carefully but will never be silenced.

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Nov 8 Life Continued

Of course, as often happens with me, my brain was abuzz with words for a blog in the wee hours of the morning, I had plans, I had goals for a new YouTube vid about writing. As the day began to progress, my excitement and inspiration began to wane.

I needed to do my nails so I did that, did the dishes and put some laundry in the washer and bye-bye to more inspiration. Then I cleaned out closets. And so it goes.

My better writing angels that were perched with glee on my shoulders seem to have vanished, giving up on me getting in front of the computer. Come back! I scream. I’m here finally! **Looks under the bed and all around but they are playing hide and seek.

Oh well. I’ll sit anyway because discipline is a thing. Sometimes we writers just have to show up when we can and hope for the best.

Been spending some time thinking about where to go next with my current novel project. I’ve set it up for some romance and a bit of thriller action, but I’ve got to get to the nitty-gritty of it. What specifically do I want to happen with this antagonist? Will work on that some today.

I’m getting used to a new computer, so that’s fun, learning which keys stick and what-not.

My art room is a hot mess. I dug out every painting I had stored anywhere in the house and they are laying about higgledy-piggledy. My “Lovely Lady” drawings are strewn everywhere. I’ve been working on updating my store here on the site and making sure it’s accurate.

I’ve all but given up on Facebook entirely. Social media all together, really. though I do enjoy browsing through the lovely poems and paintings on my Instagram feed.

I really hope our country can begin to heal now that the election is behind us. Politicians have gone a long way towards dividing us, egging us on against one another. It’s time to set aside differences and find humanity again. To focus on getting through this pandemic to the end of it, which I hope and pray will be sooner rather than later.

Once the virus is gone maybe we can get back to sitting down with one another and talking about things. I find when you do that, you often find that we are not nearly as far apart on how we think and feel than the politicians would have us believe. They thrive on creating discord between us and we need to wake up to their plots and refuse to be their puppets any longer. Life could be so good for us if we could just get back to love and care and stop listening to the talking heads. Let’s reach out, talk, love, heal, show compassion.

Next up, a little art, a little more writing, a bit more organization and cleaning. Whatever you get up to today, I hope it’s something that brings you peace. We are all overdue for some.

Peace Out, peeps!

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Life. October 14th.

Ugh, angst, the cloud of depression trying to raise its head, feeling even older than my years… Just ugh.

Today is the 14th. I’m good, really, but dealing with some allergy issues and annoying things. I guess I’m one of those artsy-fartsy, melancholy, prone-to-the-above-list-of-things kinda person. And that gets annoying, too. Sometimes I want to be able to take a vacay from myself.

The virus/pandemic mess just exacerbates the other. And the political climate-(God please let this election get over with already so I don’t have to think about this every f-ing day.) 

I’ve been thinking about how most people seem to lack imagination, and I’m over here with overmuch. An abundance. Too much, even.

I can imagine way too many things, too many scenarios, too many thoughts that others are having, too many reasons and answers for questions large and small. I can imagine entire worlds and universes. I know there are no new thoughts under the sun, I’m not that unique, but I imagine that I am and that I am going to think up everything, things that others before me have never thought.

I get lost in my head (if that isn’t obvious).

I am trying how to learn to live in the moment. To live each moment of every hour and every day, not over-thinking, not imagining threads of various outcomes for the future, on the scale of my life and the larger scale of our country and our planet, but the here and the now. 

And I do meet so many people who seem to have zero imagination. They just accept everything. They cannot imagine a better life or a different life, they believe every answer anyone ever gives them and question nothing.

I don’t understand people who aren’t lost in their heads all the time, they seem like a different species to me and I find myself envious at times. How much easier, more peaceful it must be. To know everything, (or think you do, you have it all lined out, figured out, you want for nothing more of knowledge or change). No seeking, no wondering or wandering, just peaceful acceptance.

It occurs to me that I have had times in my life like that, but I can’t get back to it. I’ve turned some unknown corner and it unleashed my imagination in new ways, and I can’t get it to go back. Don’t really want to.

Probably this won’t make sense to anyone but me but that’s okay. Just journaling the thoughts out. Word vomit.

Now back to the dailiness of trying to figure out what’s for dinner. The universe can wait.

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October Something

My God it has been so long since I blogged. What in hell have I been doing? I guess reading a ton, a little writing, a little arting, some game-playing and a lot of just trying to survive day to day.

I can feel it burbling and boiling and roiling (I was awake at 4 a.m. and the most provocative, insightful and genius thoughts and ideas were running through my head but I had NOT the ability to arouse out of the bed and jot them down, and so, as they tend to do, the little bastards flew away at the light of day.) But it is well past time.

I title this October Something because in reality I don’t know what day it is. (I rarely do.) I know it’s Thursday, that’s the best I can do. I haven’t the motivation to look it up. Who cares in the end?

I am trying to coax all of my wanderings and thoughts and rambles to come back out of hiding and come to rest on my shoulders again so I can get them down, blast it. Listening to a podcast (involving Russel Brand and Gabor Mate) which is firing up my little gray cells. The deep thoughts are lurking, waiting to pounce.

I just heard that even rats (they’ve done experiments) are known to have compassion. If you hurt them, they have a certain level of stress hormone. If you hurt the rat next to them, their stress is higher. They feel compassion and empathy. One could conclude it is something we mammals are born with. Then what the hell have us humans done to ourselves that so many have lost this ability? It boggles the mind.

We have lived within our narrow confining cocoons for so long, being told how to feel, what to feel, how to behave, and we’ve grown so comfortable with it. Such good little sheep we are. And now, in the age of the internet, we’re so hyper-aware of others’ thoughts and opinions, and we are freaking out and melting down. But still most people will tell you that THEIR ideology or worldview is the only one that is true and real and right. It makes me laugh.

All the many things that are so very unimportant is all that our world has chosen to focus on. We buy and buy, we hide and cry, our purchases not fulfilling us for long. We’ve gotten so very off course. 

Try to imagine what an enlightened race from another planet would think if they were observing us right now. The brainwashed far right spouting what they’ve always been taught (and are still being taught) is the absolute truth and right as rain (because, of course, what else would they spout when they’ve locked themselves away for decades, refusing to see anything else, anything new or different, any new thought or idea that may (heaven forbid) show us we’ve drifted far off course?) Cuz who wants to admit that may have been or may be wrong about anything? Certainly not a human American in 2020.

Or the far left or the far any-direction extremist of any background, who cannot, no, WILL not see anything that doesn’t fit their box? Willful ignorance, it’s a thing. Naivete’, simple ignorance (just not knowing, not having information) is one thing, but willfully refusing to learn, grow, study, THINK for ourselves is the true pandemic. Heaven help us all.

We’d much prefer to fit in with the Joneses of the Republican party or the Smiths of the Democratic, than to confront our own selves. To confront our own prejudices, biases, the WRONGness that surrounds us and is threatening to swallow us whole. (One might think that coming out of something very narrow and limited, I’d be more sympathetic, but I’m not.) Again of genuine ignorance I can be somewhat sympathetic, but a refusal to listen, to see, to seek, to grow, to ZOOM out and see the whole world as one large human family…. It’s at minimum, a pet peeve.

I never dreamed the world, humans, would behave in the ways I have witnessed in the last decade, hell, even the last year. I sometimes wonder if I might not jostle and stir and awake from a deep sleep and a bad nightmare. Awake to find people who genuinely reason out and think while loving their neighbors and friends. Who understand that we are all one (it isn’t us vs them, America vs every other country, white vs black, Christian vs Jew or more likely everyone else). We’ve lost it. Entirely. We’ve lost love.

If you’ve been raised to believe the sky is purple and made of marshmallow cream, you’ll grow up believing that with a religious fervor. No-one will be able to talk you out of it. And oh how the world would tilt on its axis if someone tried to tell you that there is actually oxygen in the air and the sky is more often blue than purple. And yes, much of what is going on these days is just this ridiculous.

We have a leader that openly bad-mouths women and minorities, talks and tweets continually in the most horrible and hateful (and ignorant) of ways, and many on the far right call him the second coming of Jesus. I literally have become convinced that there is nothing that man could do that would cause his followers to stop following him. He is untouchable. He is the King. They will literally follow him off a cliff. It’s Hitler-ish in its blind intensity. Yeah, so he can make your 401K gain more interest than ever before. Does this mean I would follow him? Praise him? Or even put up with him? People have lost all of their sense. 

One thing I believe Christianity teaches (wrongly) is that we must follow blindly whatever leader happens to be in office. I do not believe this is something God would want us to do, not any God I could follow. “Just put up with abuse, with wrong, bad leaders,” yeah like he told the people it would be better to wander desperate in the desert than to be under pharoah? One of many, many discrepancies in the bible as we know it. I don’t buy it, never will.

I’ve been reading a story about a family in Poland during the Nazi occupation, and any time I read about Hitler, I am reminded of just how easy it is to be blinded, to close our eyes to the tyranny in front of us. To blindly follow. It makes me want to vomit. Truly. It is the observing of blind-followers that makes me refuse to follow man-made religion ever again. It is just too easy to Jim Jones it, to frack it all up. There are far too many sheep on planet earth.

I won’t be a sheep, not ever. No matter how hard it will be or how many friends I lose, I will always follow my heart and conscience and science and fact. It’s lonely out here, but here I will stay.

I don’t hate, (not people anyway). I hate evil. I hate ignorance and darkness. I hate that there is such pain and abuse and hatred and bigotry on our planet, amongst our people. I hate (currently) that I have to be lumped into this thing called “humanity” alongside those who seem so inhuman, inhumane. 

Perhaps this is all growing pains, maybe since the internet age began we are just going through so many changes, too quickly and it is hard and maybe a certain amount of this BS is unavoidable, I do not know, but I fear the world my grandkids will deal with. Maybe every generation says the same.

The indomitable human spirit, though… Those who gave their lives to bring some information to the British government about the Nazi occupation. Those who risked their lives and often gave them, to hide people that were being murdered for no other reason than their country or religion of birth. (Do any of us have this kind of spirit, this kind of strength nowadays? I often wonder. I wonder if I do.)

If nothing else, this time in history is giving us a chance to stop and think and ponder about the nature of mankind, about our predicament, our circumstance. We are being given a chance to rediscover our empathy, our hearts, to keep our minds and our wits about us. I truly hope we don’t blow it.

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Life Catch-up (One Day at a Time)

Haven’t blogged in a while, been plugging away writing a book. (I actually have 2 in process but the latest one is my first non-fiction). Once these are done this will put me at 14 books written and published I believe, not counting the anthologies my publishing company published. It’s helpful to write these things out, keeps me motivated, keeps me running toward the finish line.

I never really need motivation or inspiration to write, (or to do art) but what I need is the motivation to SELL. This is where my biggest challenge lies. It has always been thus. 

My art journaling has only ever been for me (it’s therapy for me, big time), but I do have some acrylic on canvas items I need to sell. The home we are in currently isn’t large enough (a special lack of storage space) for me to keep piling up pieces, so this de-motivates me to paint on canvas. I gotta get a move on with this and soon. And, of course, I need to sell some books. I used to do book-signings, but haven’t in a long time. Maybe I need to consider lining up another one or two.

When it comes to art and writing, I seem to go in seasons, for a while concentrating on making art, then switching over to almost exclusively writing for a time, but for the most part I can say that I do both, as the spirit moves.

These days I am still feeling (I think I mentioned this once before) like I am emerging from a tunnel, a time of deep learning and change in my life, deep healing. Life changes. Epiphanies. I feel like I am emerging and calming immensely. I can only hope that the world around me takes a clue and does the same, and that this vaccine will come (though I won’t be the first to take it) and this virus mess can begin to leave and calm itself, too. 

I NEEEED to go out and eat at a restaurant with a friend, one where nobody has to wear a mask and everyone feels safe. I need that little bit of a social life I actually had (being a cocooning introvert already) but even I need to talk to another human sometimes. I actually look forward to my allergy shots so I can see other nice humans and interact for a moment or two. Enough is enough already. (Can I get a Woot Woot??)

Haven’t made one of my Writing Tips YouTube vids in a bit. I need to get to that, I’ve been having some trouble with my eyes, though. Waiting for it to calm a bit.

So, Bill Gates says that once 30 to 60 percent of Americans have taken the vaccine, it should stop it in its tracks. I know Bill knows money and I can only hope he surrounds himself with medical experts, (I would assume so) that advise him in such matters. I feel like overall, he is a pretty smart dude. (He has DT beat, though I always prefer my medical info come from medical people.) So now we wait for the vaccine. Billions of dollars are being spent on vaccines in many countries around the world, so it will be interesting to see which one comes to the forefront first, which companies launch them and when. Not all countries seem to want to even get through human trials before launching the vaccine, so that will be interesting to watch.

I continue to observe and take notes from my blanket fort.

I have begun spending less and less time on Facebook, because the idiocy and meanness I find there is just too damn depressing, and this is sad because I have friends I only see or hear from on there. Maybe once things get back to “normal” people will begin to act like sentient compassionate humans again. (Not holding my breath.)

“Hell is other people.” Jean-Paul Sartre

Not all other people, but, I think you get it. (You introverts do!)

So today there are some folks doing some work around our place and once they are gone, I will have a little brunch and watch some more Killing Eve on Hulu, then perhaps make some art on paper or in one of my journals, (I was very motivated by my lessons yesterday), then maybe this afternoon I will pull out the current fiction project and pound words for a bit longer.

Though I didn’t sleep well last night and I’m a bit tired, I am in general, feeling well. Ready for fall to come, ready for the vaccine to come, ready for the virus to go. Ready to face life today, (one day at a time). Til next time–

Peace Out

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Profoundly Human (a blog)

I just enjoyed the Broadway play Hamilton (currently on the Disney channel.) If you haven’t seen it and you’re a person who enjoys plays, I highly recommend it. It educates as it entertains. As usual, it stirred me up, got me thinking about a lot of things.

There’s a line about Legacy (how it’s planting seeds in a garden you’ll never see) and if that isn’t profound, I don’t know what is. Makes ya think about who you are, how others you care about see you, what lessons they are learning (good or bad) from watching you.

By and large the last few years have been primarily about me. Yes, I say that with a totally straight face, no shame attached. I have learned how important fixing yourself is, giving care where it is needed, even seeking help when necessary to get yourself sorted. You’ll never live your “best life” or “be all you can be” if you’re stuck in the mire of your own past.

That said, it can feel, well, overwhelming at the least, to live your life every day thinking about how others perceive you. Cuz we don’t (or shouldn’t) live to please others. We need to be fully whole and fully who we were meant to be, without requiring their validation. And of course, while also doing our best to care for those around us and look out for them as well as ourselves.

We’ve been taught to pour ourselves out in service to others. Sounds good. Noble. Righteous.

BUT. I’ve learned that our love and care should always start with our own hearts, spirits, bodies, and souls. Life on planet Earth is a war, a fight. And we cannot fight if we are not healthy. We cannot fight for ourselves or others, if we are worn down, broken, frazzled, stressed and all manner of messed up. One of the things I’ve been screaming for a while now, is simply this: Self-care is NOT selfish. It is indeed mandatory.

My best and most favorite job I’ve ever had was raising kids, albeit an often thankless and difficult job, one where you’re paid in hugs and kisses (and sometimes snot being wiped onto your clothes and loads of attitude.) I’ve blogged in the past about some of the other jobs I’ve had in my life, and there were many at various times. 

There is no paycheck for parenting and none would suffice. There’s also a ton of good, wonderful, indescribably poignant good, the kind you can’t really explain to those who are not parents. My kids were my priority for so long, and it was hard when they grew up. For the first time I had TIME to worry about me. Cuz, by and large, you don’t when you’re raising kids. 

I learned a hard work ethic from my parents. A job worth doing is worth doing well. To be lazy or even thought of as lazy, was like the Cardinal Sin in our household, and my parents were always hard-working folk. For a gal who seemed born with a messed up immune system, chronic illness and fatigue, this seemed extra daunting. But I always endeavored to dig deep down and find every ounce of my strength and energy for anything I worked at, (and part of my self-care has been trying to get to the bottom of my health issues, so I can be stronger and better with each passing year.)  All of this, wanting to be good, be strong, NOT be seen as lazy, played into my perfectionism. I exhausted myself trying to live up to the expectations of others. But isn’t this just being human? Perhaps.

One day I woke up and I was in my fifties and it would be easy to give up, to think my best days are behind me, that things will never change for me, blah blah blah. I dedicated the entire year of 2019 to chasing my health HARD and fast. I made some strides and in every arena.  I’ve worked on my spirit, on digging out hard truths about me and for me. I’ve sought out healing in many areas. Found some latent diseases (like EBV and auto-immune issues) that were affecting me in negative ways. I have learned and I’m still learning what role DNA plays in who we are, and also, and surprisingly, how trauma and all that stuff that happens to us throughout our lives, can and does absolutely affect our physical health as well as our mental and emotional well-being.

It’s been quite a journey. And just when I began to feel really good, to have more energy, to feel a bit “on top” again, along came Covid-19. Isn’t that just the way life is? Always a fight, a war of some sort.

And so, now, here I am. Thinking about Legacy. Thinking about the garden I’m planting that I will never see. It’s daunting, to say the least.

I’m now at a place where I am having to yank myself up and out (of myself) a bit, and try to re-enter the world, which is made incredibly more difficult during a global pandemic, a time of isolation. I find myself getting lost in fiction worlds, books, TV binges… there’s not much else.

But who or what am I now? I guess that’s the 64-thousand dollar question. I always thought I’d be absolutely and utterly content to completely retire and do nothing, Turns out, I’m not great at it.

I have my routines, I have my writing (and trying to figure out which way I want to go in the future with that), I blog, I write poetry. I started a new novel back before the Outbreak, and haven’t touched it since. Will I get back to it?? I think I want to do another poetry collection as poetry and blogs seem to be what I write the most these days.

I have my art journaling lessons, my acrylic painting on canvas (which I have not done a ton of in recent months). And I do a ton of drawing. I came to art later in life so I put a LOT of hours in, just practicing. I’m filling notebook after notebook with sketches and journal entries. Wearing down pencil after pencil.

I felt an odd kinship with Alexander Hamilton (the play) in that he was an avid, almost obsessive writer. He was very intense in his passions and his opinions. I related to that… a lot. He wanted to leave a legacy. He wanted to make his life matter. In the end, his story ended up being a story of a REAL and quite fallible human. 

That got me thinking about how we are all so imperfect. So flawed. But we keep going. 

King David from the Bible, hell, every man who has ever been held up as great, they’ve all had that in common… humanity. Flawed. Imperfect.  And I’ve come to believe that it is just life. Striving for perfectionism is nothing but vanity. Do we seek to prove that WE might be the ONE who actually gets it right? It is to laugh.

Anyway, a really good writer would wrap this all up with a profound red bow, something that ties it all together and delivers a PUNCH of truth.

But all I’ve got is this.

Human. We are human. We are growing and evolving and struggling and trying and failing, and profoundly human.

And I will continue my fight while trying to be perhaps a bit more aware of the seeds I’m sowing today. I will speak my truth to encourage others to do the same. I will love and forgive to encourage others to do the same. And I will do what I do, until I can do it no more.

That’s all I can do.

Peace Out, my friends. 

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True, Big Love

I just saw a true portrayal of love… it was a show about a woman who’s nine-year-old son had been murdered by a very broken, distraught teenager. Towards the end of the show, she is confronting the killer (many years later). He’s telling the mother what happened, crying, apologizing, and another man, a friend of the mother’s, shows up with a knife and starts towards the killer. He intends to take his life. The mother steps in front of the killer, the one who had killed her son. She steps up, steps in. 

She knows he deserves it, has it coming, but she still stands between the man with the knife and the one who killed her son.

It kinda broke me.

What a portrait of love, big love, forgiveness, sacrifice. She was willing to take the knife into her own body for the guilty one. So very Christ-like, so very full of true, actual love.

Though I am not much into religion in an organized way these days, I do very strongly believe in the principles of love, forgiveness, sacrifice. I believe in big love, all encompassing love. The kind of love that says, “No more. Enough is enough.”

In a time when compassion and empathy can literally save the lives of our fellow humans, (but many can’t be bothered to care), it is a powerful and compelling story.

This is the kind of love I seek to always have. Sacrificial, big love that says, it’s not just about me.

Something to ponder.

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My Facebook Post June 19 (for those not on Facebook)

I haven’t said anything in so long on Facebook because every time I do, I get beat up. But at times, for whatever reason, what is given me to say is so strong that I know that if I don’t say it I will explode, brains everywhere.

My heart, my spirit, my soul aches so badly today, right now. It only takes about five minutes on Facebook and reading posts for me to completely fall apart these days. I can’t take it. I can’t take how hard-hearted and closed-minded people are.If people want to tear down a statue of a bad person, a slave-owner from the past, why do you care? They aren’t trying to erase history, they’re trying to keep history from repeating itself.

Why would YOU want to stand for making a hero out of a villainous person? That’s the real question.

Thirty years ago, most of us didn’t have any clue who most of these people were who have these statues. I’ve talked to people this year who have NO IDEA what the confederate flag actually stands for or why it’s hurtful. Please take some time to look on the internet or go to the library if you prefer and read up before you stand up for something. Bottom line for me, if a statue hurts a victim of the holocaust or a person of color or some other nationality, tear the bitch down. People before concrete.

What it is is, people are terrified of change. And they are terrified to admit that maybe they’ve been wrong about something. I have so much respect for people who can say, hey, wow, maybe I’ve been wrong on this subject. Maybe I’ve been blind or ignorant of some facts or information or maybe I just really have not tried to understand someone else’s pain. Lack of empathy and compassion is literally killing us, people. Quite literally.

I’ve changed so much in the last twenty years and I am still changing yearly weekly, sometimes daily. I feel very differently today than I did thirty years ago, but why? Because I opened my mind to learning new facts and information. I got to know people who are different than me, people from other countries, other backgrounds, cultures, and experiences.I decided my growth was more important than my pride or ego.I admit I was wrong about a lot twenty years ago, ten years ago, last week. I am continually learning. Which makes it so hard to sit and watch people spout out ugliness, hate and ignorance at each other, simply because they fear change, they fear admitting that they’ve maybe been wrong.I’ll ask one thing of anyone and everyone who reads this, don’t make a fast angry reply but rather sit with yourself and think. Pray if that is something you do. Meditate. Look deep within, and ask yourself the hard questions. Have you put some THING above people? Have you had a hardened heart? Have you been cocooned in your little world for so long that you have absolutely zero compassion for other people? People who may have had experiences totally different than yours?Have you lacked empathy? Compassion? Love?? Have you had tunnel vision? Have you believed only what your political party has asked you to believe for the last FOREVER??

If you cannot think with introspection and love and compassion at a time like this, when the hell could you?? Likely never.

If you will always be closed-minded, insist on ignorance and hate, please remove yourself from my Facebook feed, I beg of you.

People first. PEOPLE. Love. Understanding. If that’s not where you’re at, I do not need to be anywhere near you for a time, because I cannot take it. Take yourself off and join the White Supremacists and the other whack-jobs mucking up the world right now.Those of us who love and care, we don’t need you. We’re too busy loving, learning, growing, and getting over our damned selves.

Peace Out

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Love Hurts. (Yeah, yeah.)

I wrote a poem about this that is published in the book Heart of Courage but I wanted to talk a bit about this subject, as it is definitely something that defines who I am and it’s something I deal with every day. The idea that, if or when you decide to love someone fully, go “all-in,” you do it knowing full well that, (unless by some twist of fate, you die before everyone else you love), that you will one day experience excruciating, mind-altering, life-changing, gut-wrenching pain. I’ve run from this my whole life in one way or another.

I think I’ve been trying to prepare myself for my parents deaths my entire life, (or from the time I learned of death). Not to go all Sylvia Plath, but for a sensitive like me, learning about and trying to grasp death, and not just your own, but dealing with the deaths of loved ones, well, it’s a daunting prospect. Maybe, even, it is part of why I moved far away from my hometown and put down roots elsewhere. (Deep self-analysis going on here.)

I’ve never had a 30-plus year relationship with anyone before, so there was a time when, after five or seven years with my hubs, I began to get antsy and restless. Noting that I thought I was “all-in” when I married him, there still came a time when that restlessness kicked in. I’ll never forget that time of my life. I really began to struggle, because I knew in my heart that I loved my husband, but trying to shove down my natural inclination to bolt after the new wore off (which I had done my whole life) was difficult. It was one of the very few, and the most powerful and life-changing time, I felt God or the Universe or something deep and profound, speak directly to me. It basically said, “If you leave him, you will cause your sons more unbearable pain, (they had already been through my divorce from their father), your daughter will suffer greatly and will be changed forever. You’ll destroy your husband, a good man who loves you profoundly. Your own life will be a series of failed relationship after failed relationship, leaving an earthquake of damage behind you, everywhere you go.” Something like that. (I was literally shown a mental picture of the flux-capacitor from Back to the Future. If you don’t know what that is, just picture a huge fork in the road.)

I had a good cry, and still knowing I was messed up inside, I made the conscious choice to stay and truly commit and make it work.

All of that to get to the point, that I am so afraid of being left/hurt/broken by others, that I tend to bolt. This has affected every single relationship in my life. Family, friends, boyfriends, husbands… you name it.

Back when I made that decision to stay, it seemed to come with a promise. A promise that my life would go much better and easier, if I just made the right choice then and there. I do believe that has been the case. My life has not been perfect since then, and like anyone’s marriage, ours has had its ups and downs, but I can honestly say that we are better today than we have ever been.

I’m an “over-communicator’ and if you know me much, you know this. I have made sure that he and I have open lines of communication, even though I often have to take hours or days to really dig out of him what is on his mind. (He, like a lot of men, is not an over-communicator.) But we are so close. On our 20th (I think it was) we were asked at a restaurant if we were newlyweds. The waitress had noticed how we smiled and laughed together and held hands across the table. (We still do this. It’s sickening, really.)

My point is, every month, every year, I go more and more “all in” with my hubs. Because I am learning more and more every day how to be whole and healed, which helps me learn how to commit and love just a little more, a bit deeper.

This scares the ever-loving shit out of me.

Unless I go first, I will experience the worst pain ever, if he leaves me or passes away. It will ruin me, I know this. I know it because I have never known love like this before, but I’ve been hurt badly by people I cared about, and I know this kind of pain will blow all of that away.

This is scarier than anything else in my life. I don’t want to know that pain, but it is absolutely part of going all-in. Love is amazing, but sometimes Love Hurts. Intentionally or not. Putting your heart fully out there is opening yourself up to immense pain. I still haven’t perfected it. But I am committed to trying. The only other relationship I know that compares is my love for my kids and grands. A couple super-close friends.

But I have spent years perfecting the “dine – and – dash” of relationships. Most recently (since I’ve been married) I’ve been doing it with friendships. I’ve been a very sucky bad friend. I’ve at times avoided people I care about. I’ve even seemed to be pushing them away. This year I realized this a bit more, because, well, I am continually working on me.

If you are a friend that felt any connection with me and have been hurt by me pushing you away, I want to apologize. I’ve been a scaredy-cat. I’m afraid of being hurt, so I hurt others first, even though it took me some time to realize it. I don’t want to be that person.

And, of course, that said, there are a very few people I have pushed away absolutely on purpose (boundaries) and this is usually men who are misogynists or anyone that I feel I just do not connect with and we are just too different. I don’t have time or energy left to try to explain to someone wanting to be my friend, why I am the way I am on a daily basis, so, often times, I just cut off that relationship, be at peace. Go find someone more like you, if that is what you need. (That’s a very small few.)

Yeah, Love Hurts, and sometimes stinks, like the song says. I love people. I don’t always like them. They don’t always like me. I am so cool with that. Not gonna change me so that you can like me, but I am going to try harder to be kinder and gentler and friendlier to those I do genuinely connect with. I’m fighting my own demons over here, so please be patient. I’m learning.

The book Heart of Courage is available on Amazon-you can search my name to find it. It was written by myself and three other amazing poets from around the country: Nicholas Trandahl, Fiona Summerville, and Kelsi Rose. Pick it up if you have a mind to.

Peace Out

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Daily Blog Mon June 8 Coming Into the Light

Think I’ll make this another edition of “Things I’ve Learned” as well.

*There are no 2 people that are ever going to agree on everything and despite what social media tries to teach us, it’s okay.

*I seem to be drawn to good people, genuine people with awesome hearts (even when we don’t agree on every single thing on Earth.) I click with people or not. I value vulnerability, a recognition that none of us get out of this life with no scars. None of us are perfect and who gets to define “perfect” anyway? (Probably no-one.)

*Though I’ve been victimized in the past, that doesn’t make me a victim. I’m a survivor. Over the last twelve or fifteen years, I’ve been working on myself a ton, (some therapy, lots of just plain old hard work getting it together and processing old stuff and figuring out who I am now.) I feel like I was stuck in a certain area of growth for many, many years and it required me to push through some things, un-bury, feel, and push through.

To the outsider I know this has looked a bit odd, and some who genuinely care about me haven’t known what was up. I finally feel like I’m coming out of a tunnel, stepping into the light. And if I can feel good about that or anything at this moment in time with all that the world is going through, it must be real.

*Remember back in the pre-internet days when we could meet someone and like them and NOT argue about everything all the time? Let’s ponder. That was friendship.

*For many, maybe most years of my life, I bent over backwards to fit in, burying my own thoughts, feelings, and opinions. Tried to always be NICE. Easy to get along with, never make trouble. I’ve let others think and speak for me for waaayyy tooo long. I don’t do that anymore. (Still pretty nice unless ya push me.) I have boundaries, oh and thoughts and opinions. They may not line up with yours.

Because I felt censored most of my life, told what to believe and what to say, I don’t take kindly to it nowadays. That means you’re probably always gonna know what I think. I described it to a friend once as “feeling like someone has always been trying to put a hand over my mouth… forever.” I’m the only one who gets to censor me now.

*One truth for me is that I believe with all of my heart that women should be treated equally with men in rights and respect. Same pay, listened to the same as men, have the same opportunities as men. Women have been treated as objects for far too long and they’ve often had better hearts, more compassion, and at times have more intelligence and qualifications than their male peers or bosses. Not always, sometimes. It needs to stop. Good men need to start standing up for good women. Standing up against their peers who would make perverted jokes about women, mistreat them, or abuse them.

Until good men stand with us, things will never change. Stop worrying about being a “bro” and start being a decent human being. As a popular comedian Hannah Gadsby once said, “Men, Pull your socks up!”

(I know some of these good men and I’m ever-so thankful for them and we need so many more.) Of course the same is true for any or every minority. Good people have got to start standing up for every minority, stand in front of them when necessary. Only then will things change. Now is not the time to stay silent in the face of hatred, bigotry, prejudice, or misogyny.

There was a sign in my kid’s bedroom while they were growing up, it said, “Stand up for what is right, even if you stand alone.” I still believe this. (And I’m proud of my kids, and I believe they have lived this out.) Character. Integrity. It matters.

Come on out into the light. It’s warm here. The sun is shining.

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Today’s quick thoughts

I’m not sure what it is or how it will manifest but something good happened today, something in my heart and soul. There was an almost audible “click,” the kind of thing that happens when the gray cells are getting stimulated, when some new bit of wisdom is busy making a home inside me somewhere… a kind of knowing. Wisdom. I think that was its name.

I can’t wait to see how it changes me.

Something is new and different. Something from above, a gift from the universe or the heavens. A new measure of strength? It’s amazing what can happen when you open your heart, mind, and soul to growth and change.

I know so many people, and I used to be one, that think there is this finite group of knowledge and they found it by age 40 and then they shut down and refuse to change, to see anything new. I don’t want to be that.

I won’t be, not ever, ever again.

The only person I will ever, ever change–is me.