Found

Sometimes you can find good things through pain, like you’ve visited the very pit of hell and, unbeknownst to you, you grabbed something bright and shiny, some light or truth, and it stuck to your clothes and it rode back up with you.

Sometimes you have to see something ugly and wrong about yourself in someone else before you recognize it in the mirror. (Is that what I look like? Is that how I sound?) and then, upon the realization, you carve that bit out and discard it.

Sometimes others don’t understand what’s happening with you, so they write you off as crazy, and sometimes people love you anyway, stay, love you through.

Sometimes your arms reach out and grab onto an angel and you wrestle it to the ground, demanding truth and light, you wrestle it until you’re totally out of breath, spent, lying on the ground, out of strength and you think you’re dying.

Sometimes the sheer brokenness of the world collides with broken parts within yourself and your soul cries out in pain. And it hurts more than anything physical when you realize no-one’s got it together. Nope. Not a soul on this planet.

Sometimes I beat my chest and scream at the top of my lungs without ever opening my mouth. I walk away, away from it all, the frustration and struggle of it all, completely overwhelming me. I hide in my cave and sulk.

Sometimes I find beauty in the world that astounds me and transports me to an altogether different place, an Eden, Nirvana. I glimpse the world as it could be and for a second my soul grabs my spirit and they fly, fly, ever so high, not daring to come down, not daring to look down for fear of falling.

Sometimes reality bursts in and I’m wondering how to pay the light bill with my meanderings, wondering what it’s all for, wondering why I couldn’t stay in that place.

Sometimes reality stinks.

Sometimes I try to shut the mind down, turn it off like flipping a switch and suddenly I understand why people take mind-altering drugs, numb themselves with alcohol.

And sometimes someone or something comes along and pulls me out of my monkey mind and back into the world of living, breathing people, some who love me and want to hug me back into existence.

Sometimes I’m found.

 

Turn it off

Have you ever felt totally completely alone, even when there are others all around you

Whether you are by yourself or at a party and you get that feeling that absolute feeling

That you are utterly alone in the universe? That nobody ever gets you, nor will they ever?

If ever there is a feeling I’ve carried with me forever it is that feeling, that raging knapsack of doubt, fear, Neediness, utter neediness.

 Is it being the youngest child? Is it being completely self-absorbed? Is it the creative gene?

Or do all people feel this way at one time or another, like they’re sitting on the edge of a knife

Like at any minute they just may explode from the intensity of their need? I think I’ve heard of other people feeling this way, but that can’t be true, can it? Can the world really be full of us?

 I feel like I’m in the circus and I’m tied to that spinning board and there’s a man in a black cape

Throwing daggers at my head, but he’s hoping to hit me, right through the brain, if he hits the wood,

He’s missed his true target. It would be easier for him to make his mark than for me to be free.

Some days I feel it’s just me,

Some days I’m walking through the forest alone but feel my Creator

Inside me, around me and we commune, He and me, and some days it’s like I’ve been, like the detritus

Of the Titanic, lost forever on the bottom of the ocean, never to be found again.

 

But learning, shutting out the doubt and fear, the voices, real and imagined, that hurl insults

Shutting it down, tuning it out. I will be me and do what I do and when the good comes

It comes and when the bad comes I’ll try not to slip and fall into the mire again, but, no doubt, I will.

I will feel it again, I’ll feel it all, again and again, because this is who I am and one day maybe I’ll learn to

Turn it off.

 

 

Piece of Myself (poem)

 

Most of my life I’ve been keeping a little bit back

A piece of me that was walled and secure

Having seen the devastation of a heart shattered by death and loss

I vowed that would never be me

So

I built that wall, brick by brick over days, over years

Turning away, tuning out, not letting people in

 

Oh I seemed to be, I showed love the best I knew how

But part of me was shut off and after a while even I didn’t notice anymore

 

And then a person comes along and sticks and stays

And they know me more and more and yet still they stick, they stay

But I don’t know how to handle that, always waiting for the shoe to drop

Waiting for them to decide that today is the day they see something in me they just cannot abide

And off they go

 

Again

 

Another one chased away by my truest self and what does that say about me?

Am I intrinsically unlovable? Why has it always seemed that the more they know

The faster they go

 

So I kept that bit, that slice of my heart in cold storage, never letting it out to thaw

Knowing that one day the tragic would happen and it would be that piece that got me through

It was my life insurance against pain you see

Because if I could keep a part of me whole I could rely on that part when the grief came

 

And it always comes

No-one is exempt

 

And now I can feel the ice melting, drip, drip, drip

And it scares the hell out of me

Because if that slice of me is gone, gone to love and acceptance and

Loving with all of my heart and soul then I am a goner

I’m done

There will be nothing left to save me from the pain

 

It’s thawing and now I can’t even stop it, the freezer has stopped working

The wall is crumbling

And when you’re gone I will lose

Even that piece of myself

 

 

Twinkle Lights

 

Something about the white and the light

The shadows they cast, never the same twice, like snowflakes

They’re joy and prom night and weddings and parties on the deck

They’re childhood but the best of it, the kind you really wish you’d had

Laughing at you or with you at every joke you’ve ever heard

Drawing the best thoughts and feelings from deep inside like water from a well

It’s impossible to be sad around them as they fully complete their mission

And a lesson we learn: do what you do, be what you are, shine, chase away the dark

 

They stir me, every time

A Place

I see it when I close my eyes
Between wake and sleep
A faraway place where pain is absent
And time is not.
Light and color redefined
The unseeable now seen
The indescribable comes to life.
Love fills every pore and peace
Floods the mind and soul.
There is that place, I have glimpsed
And upon waking mourn the loss of it.